Man Stroke Woman (2005–2007): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
[Theme tune]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
- Boo! Ahh!!
- Ah [chuckles]
[Manic laugh]
You are not sneaking out
on me, are you, love boat?
No, no, it's just...
Mmm. Mmm.
You... [roars]
You were an animal last night.
[Moans]
- [Moans]
- [Nervous laugh]
Well, erm, i-I'd better be...
Going, gotta be...
Somewhere else.
Ok, but I don't have
your phone number.
Oh. [Nervous laugh]
And we can't make
anymore hot loving.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!
[Laughs] Unless we can
get a hold of one another.
- [Laughs] Ok?
- [Nervous laugh] Ok.
Shoot.
Ok, it's... it's four...
[Mobile keypad beeps]
Just four?
Uh-huh.
No other numbers?
Erm... yes.
[Laughs]
- I was gonna say, I was gonna say.
- [Laughs]
Oh, ok. Ah.
It's-it's four, four...
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,880
Four, four, four... four, four.
- One short.
- Four.
Great! Bzz! [Laughs]
Sorry, I'm a bit like...
[Groans] You know. It's just...
It's just, like, there's
some guys out there
and then they sleep with girls,
and they wake up and they think,
"oh, my god, she's an f-ing
freak," you know? [Manic laugh]
And then they leave a fake phone
number so you can't get a hold of them.
Those men are arse... heads.
- [Laughs]
- Erm, ok, gotta go.
I can't believe
this is happening.
Yeah, I know. I know.
[Cries] We had some
great times, right?
Oh, yeah, great times.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
transformer.
I'm a transformer?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Former?
- Bah!
- Feather?
- [Agitated mumbling]
- Forever?
- Yeah!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
You will attack me with
your robot army forever?
Nooo.
[Man] Oooh.
Oh, yeah, that's a good boy.
What are you doing?
I'm watching telly.
What does it look like?
Don't be sarcastic. Uh-huh.
- Did you read the sheet?
- What sheet?
His diet sheet. The vet
said it was really important.
I think I know how to
feed a dog properly.
[Sighs] What is it with
you and instructions? Yeah.
A dog is a dog. If it doesn't
like it, he is not gonna eat it.
Well, the vet said to me...
Oh, the vet said, the vet said.
- [Groans]
- He's alright, look at him.
Ain't ya, boy, eh?
You're alright, ain't ya?
- Ain't ya?
- [Dog whines]
[Sighs]
I'd better have a look at that.
[Woman snoring]
[Grimacing, retches]
[Coughing]
[Heavy breathing]
[Sniffs, exhales]
Oh, shit.
Morning, dad.
How do I look?
Er...
You don't like it, do you?
No, it's-it's er,
it's really... really classy.
Erm, but we really
do have to go.
Er, well, what about the hat?
The hat... is great.
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
Well, maybe...
Maybe at, er,
other points you've worn
hats that have fitted you better.
What, are you
saying it doesn't fit?
Well, it feels like it fits, so.
Er, it's just that,
that hat is quite high.
- High?
- Mmm.
It's just perhaps
20 centimetres too
far above your head.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Ooh, shag, marry, kill?
Oh, brilliant, I love this game, I
love this game. Let me go first.
Fine ok. Anna friel, Heidi Klum.
[Sharp inhale]
Britney Spears.
Shag, marry, kill.
Three very
attractive ladies, Ben.
Oh, yes, sir, and
it's decision time.
What you gonna do,
shag, marry or kill?
Ok, I'd shag
probably...
All of them, yeah.
I'd just, I'd just shag
them, I'd shag all three.
[Chuckles] Well,
yeah, you would,
but for this one
you've just gotta,
you've just gotta choose
one, shag, marry, kill?
No, no. I'm-I'm gonna
stick with my first answer.
I definitely choose shag.
You can't just choose shag, you've
just got to shag one of the women.
Oh, I get it.
It's just the rules of the game.
Right, ok, well,
this is, this is what
I'd do, I'd say, "hey,
let's-let's forget the rules,
let's just go up to my room
and shag each other senseless."
[Chuckles] I love this game.
You can't do that.
Why?
Because it's the rules.
I'm just saying,
I'd ignore the rules.
Yea, but that way the
game is pointless, alright?
Not for me. Wa-hey!
No! You can only choose one.
You can only choose
one of those women.
- Britney Spears.
- Fine. So who you gonna marry?
Ah, this is hard.
I'd marry my
ex-girlfriend Vicky.
No, not your
ex-girlfriend Vicky!
Well, I've given it quite a
lot of thought, you know.
I was wrong to let
her go. I should have...
You know, she
was, she was great.
♪ Ten little bottles
standing on the wall ♪
put the green ones
in the green bank.
Brown ones in the brown bank.
Ten little bottles all done.
All done, eh, Josh?
Where's Josh?
So, how many women
have you slept with, Ben?
Don't wanna say.
Go on, mate, don't be shy.
No, it's embarrassing.
Come on.
Alright, eh, let me have a
think, let me have a think.
Er, I have slept
with... infinity women.
[Laughs]
You're a dark horse, mate.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose I am.
Oh, right, right, that's er,
that's an estimate, is it?
No, no, that's an exact amount.
Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, me too.
Oh, er, actually, Andy,
you just said that you'd
like slept with three people.
Sorry, ed. Er, call me a cynic,
but I don't think that Ben is
telling us the whole truth either.
Whoa.
I'm sorry, Andy?
Ed, er, this is Ben
we're talking about, ok?
What exactly is your problem?
Is it because I
suffer from obesity?
Is that it?
Ahh, yeah, Ben's fat.
He couldn't possibly
sleep with a lot of women.
An infinite number of women
could never find him attractive.
Is that what you're thinking?
No, I'm thinking that sleeping
with infinity women is impossible.
- Easy, tiger.
- Nothing's impossible.
Well, clearly, that is.
[Scoffs]
Clearly not. I think I
know what this is about.
Yeah?
You don't have to get bitter cos
you've only slept with three people.
And I've slept with an
infinite multiple of that.
Ok, this is shit. See ya.
[Both groan]
That's a shame.
You're not gonna catch up
with me now, are you, Andy?
A white short...
[Gasps] Hi. Hi.
Hello.
[Deep voice] I'm so
sorry I'm late. [Chuckles]
What's going on? Why
are you talking like that?
[Both mutter]
Erm...
Yeah, I have let myself go a bit
and, erm...
Well, my voice has got fat.
Erm, how could
you get a fat voice?
Well, er, some people put
on weight in strange places.
Er, no.
You're not gonna have a drink?
Oh, no, I can't, it'll go
straight to my voice.
Come on, sal, these
crash diets never work.
Martin's booked a trip
to sardinia next month
and I really can't walk along the
beach in a bikini with a fat voice, can I?
You've put on a bit
of weight, so what?
You can't starve yourself.
The thing is, erm...
Martin has started
listening to me differently.
He, er, hates my
voice this resonant.
It's not resonant.
It is resonant, Nina.
I've got a fat voice.
Your voice is beautiful.
It's voluptuous, isn't it?
Yes! I love it.
- [Sighs]
- You want a little bit of this?
It is delicious.
Nina, you should
have it, it's really good.
Oh, shit, that's so lovely.
[Crying] Oh, my god!
[Crying] Espadrille.
Espadrille?
[Crying]
Claret?
[Cries]
Michigan.
[Crying] No.
Rachel Stevens,
er, Natalie imbruglia
and Kate moss.
Shag, marry, kill?
I would shag Kate moss.
I would marry Rachel Stevens.
So I guess that means I
would kill Natalie imbruglia.
You'd-you'd kill
Natalie imbruglia?
Yeah. Yeah.
But she's-she's lovely.
Why'd you wanna kill her?
Well, because...
She's a beautiful,
talented woman
with her whole
life in front of her.
She's done loads of good
songs. I really love 'torn'.
It is just a game.
You know, and you'd
get caught as well.
High-profile target like Natalie imbruglia
there'd be police all over the place.
You'd go down for years.
I have to kill her because
the game says I have to.
Ignore it. Have
some will power, man.
It is the fucking rules, Geoff. I
have to kill Natalie imbruglia.
You are not, repeat not,
going to kill Natalie imbruglia.
Geoff, I am going...
Listen to me. Promise
me you won't do it.
Alright, I promise you I won't
murder Natalie imbruglia.
Put your hands of
the... Jesus Christ, Geoff!
Ok, so let's-lets, erm, let's start
the game again. Shag, marry, kill.
I'm really glad Lisa
set us up together.
Me too.
I normally hate it when friends
pair you off with complete strangers.
Yeah.
The thing is, all the guys
I've been out with recently
have just been
unbelievably stupid.
Think you're different though.
- Well, touch wood.
- [Knocks on table]
Sorry, that'll be the door.
Good. That's all good.
We have had your test results.
May I be blunt with you?
No.
Right.
Well...
Everything is fine.
You're not gonna die.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye-bye.
[Groans]
Is everything alright?
Look, I...
I know this is a bit of a
crap time to tell you this...
Darling?
So I'm just gonna go
right ahead and say it.
What's the matter?
I've been having an affair.
What? An affair? Why?
It was a mistake,
and it just happened.
Who is it? Who the hell is it?
Ok, ok, she's called
Sarah. Sarah Thompson.
She works in my office.
Yeah, no, Tom, i'm-I'm
Sarah Thompson.
- Are you?
- Yeah, yeah. No, I'm Sarah.
Oh, I thought you were Phoebe.
No, no, no, Phoebe's your wife.
No, no, I'm still
not getting it.
Erm, ok. Er, you live together,
you've got three children.
- Oh, the little people.
- Yes, the little people.
And-and I call them,
"Phoebe and the kids".
Yes, yes, you live with her, you've
been married for about six years.
And you are?
Well, no, I'm Sarah. I'm the
woman you're having the affair with.
Brilliant, brilliant.
Thank god, cos I was bricking
it about having to tell you.
You silly sod.
[Laughs] Alright, ok.
Oh! Oh!
There we are.
Ah, ok. Now, don't
forget to pick the kids up.
It's their swimming
lesson tonight.
I'm going to back late tonight
because I've got work,
business, work,
meetings and stuff.
Oh, Tom, no,
remember, I'm Sarah.
Sarah, I don't know anyone called
Sarah. God, you are so paranoid.
Tom.
Ok, you go and hide
and we're gonna start counting.
Can mummy hide with me?
Well...
Erm, no, do you remember, darling,
mummy has to help daddy, doesn't she?
That's right. Because
you're so good at hiding,
-daddy needs all the help he can, ok?
-Alright.
- [Man] Good boy. Off you go.
- Go on, there we go.
One, two, three...
[Man on tape] Four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven, twelve...
So, remember what I
said, you're stripes, ok.
- Stripes.
- Yeah, so.
You want to hit
this white ball here
into this stripy ball here,
and if you can,
get it into this hole,
- or "pocket" as we call it.
- Pocket.
- Yeah.
- Pocket.
- Pocket.
- Yes, ok.
So, do you think you're
ready to have a go at that?
I can try.
Ok, good girl. Alright.
So get yourself
comfortable on the table.
That's-that's, whoa!
That's, ha-ha. Yeah, that's it.
And then you want to
line the end of the cue
with the middle of
the white ball, ok?
So that you can knock it
into there, into there, alright?
So, when you, when you,
when you've
lined it up, that's it,
just pull the cue back
and push through.
And we're looking at the ball,
so we pull back
and we push through.
Pull back. And you're
doing it on your own now.
Ok, so pull back,
and push through.
Did I get it?
No, darling.
Oh, shit!
Not-not to worry,
sweetheart, we'll go again.
Well, may-maybe
the Spears broken.
No, no, it's... bless
you. It's called a cue, ok?
- Cue?
- And it's absolutely fine.
Cue. Really?
-Yeah. So let's go again. And this time...
-So silly.
Please hold on to the
cue for the whole shot.
Ok. [Chuckles]
Ok, alright, ok.
- Let's go. Right.
- So let's line it up again.
Ok, then. I'm...
So I'm going to, so
I'm going to pull back...
- Yeah. Good.
- And push through.
- Hands like that.
- Correct.
- All good, great.
- Hold on the whole way through.
- Yeah.
- Pull back, push through.
Pull back.
I forgot to stand.
Aardvark, stick,
flambé,
snail, suitcase...
Banana.
[Woman] I have no idea what
people wear at discos nowadays.
Don't worry. [Groans]
You don't like the shoes?
Shoes are great.
Right, it's the pigtails then, isn't
it? I'm-I'm too old for them, aren't i?
The pigtails are perfect.
It's just... [sighs]
The, er, the dress...
What?
It's just a little... loud.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Reading from his new anthology,
I'm very excited to welcome here
onto this stage,
mr Julian Ramon.
[Applause]
That's my boyfriend.
Erm, this one's called
'to the one I love'.
"Her lips are like roses,
her hair flows like wine,
her skin is so soft,
and her eyes are divine.
I ache to be with her,
I long for her touch.
I love my dear mummy,
I love her too much."
[Man coughs]
It's probably just a metaphor.
"Her body's a castle
I dare not invade,
her bottom's a bank
I'm forbidden to raid.
Society's prison, oh,
when will I be free?
Oh, when will it be just
my mummy and me?"
- [Scattered applause]
- [Whispering]
This next piece is called
'daddy's sack of love'.
Shit, it's Greg.
Well, hello. Long time no see.
Erm, this is Vicky.
Hello, Vicky, very
nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you too, Greg.
So it must be, bloody
hell, what, a year now?
Three years.
Three years since you dumped me?
Broke my heart. Sheesh.
So what's been happening?
Well, I got married.
Whoa. I mean, congratulations.
And you?
Erm, it's a bit of a
long story, actually.
Erm, I moved back in
with my parents for a while
and then sort of late last year
I became the king of Spain.
King... the king of Spain?
Yeah, I know, it's really weird.
It's some bloodline
thing on my mum's side.
So you still live with
your mum and dad?
No, no, no, no, I'm living in
Madrid, in the palaccio De aritte.
- [They laugh]
- Sorry.
So, you, Greg, have
become the king of Spain?
King Greg now.
You must have been the laziest most
useless man I've ever been out with,
and, what, now you're
the king of Spain?
Yep. And apparently
I'm a pretty good king.
- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah.
According to polls I'm the
best one they've ever had.
Me, a brilliant king!
Anyway, enough about me.
Who's the lucky guy?
Paul Reynolds.
He-he's at her work.
Is he a king?
No, he is an accountant.
Is he? Yeah.
Some other things I love
about being king, er, you know,
being the ruler of millions
of people, blah, blah, blah,
untold wealth, et cetera,
but I've never had a head
for figures, like this guy.
That must be, oh,
very interesting.
Mmm.
Well, best of luck with it.
Anyway, great to see you, sal.
Lovely to meet you, Vicky.
Jolly nice to meet you, my lord.
And anytime you're,
er, you're in my kingdom,
er, drop me a text.
[Vicky] Great.
Anytime. Ok.
I will.
Ok. Hasta laviego.
Well, he's done very
well for himself, hasn't he?
[Scoffs] Spain.
[Man on tape] 16,842.
16,843.
16,844.
16,845.
[Tape stops]
Coming, ready or not!
Found you. Come on, brush
your teeth and bed, please.
[Chuckles]
[Keyboard tapping]
Er, hi, Kelly.
Sorry about the
minstrels yesterday.
Sorry about what?
When I went to the newsagents
and I asked you if you wanted anything
and you said you
liked minstrels.
Oh, god, that's ok.
I mean, if they didn't
have any, I liked the m&ms.
Yeah, but you prefer
minstrels, right?
Er, I guess so. [Uneasy chuckle]
Good.
I've got something for you.
Oh, god, as long as it's not a
fax, the machine's broken again.
No.
No, it's-it's not a fax.
Here.
Oh, my god.
Wow. It's...
It's a minstrel.
A giant minstrel.
Where... where did you buy it?
I made it.
Really? You're joking?
No, I made it last night.
You're kidding me?
No, I definitely made it, Kelly.
Believe me, I made it
out of other minstrels.
Wow. [Laughs] There
must be hundreds in there.
Don't know.
About 7,053.
I picked a few boxes up from the
cash and carry last night after work.
[Mumbles incoherently] Twat!
Luckily though, I
found a 24-hour shop
and a couple of petrol stations on
the m1 that were open till four in the am.
[Nervous sigh]
It must, it must
have taken you ages.
Don't know...
Well, I had to chip all
the little crispy shells off
and then grind them
down into a powder.
That needed mixing with some glucose
to form a paste for the outer shell.
That needed sanding down
between coats and a final Polish
but other than that, easy.
Wow, well, I'm blown away
because it is a like
a perfect minstrel
but it's much, much bigger.
Do you like it then?
Yeah, well, I-I like
minstrels, so... [laughs]
Like minstrels more
than m&ms, yeah?
Yeah.
Could you put that
in the bin for me?
Thank you very much.
[Phone ringing]
Mummy says we can't cook but
we'll show her, won't we, Josh?
Mmm, smell that lovely Turkey.
Daddy's the kitchen king.
Yes, he is.
Where's Josh?
[Oven beeping]
which means, my
friend, you are to marry...
[Trumpet]
Miss Kelly brook.
Wow.
Kelly brook.
Oh, hold on, isn't she
with the actor Billy Zane?
To be honest, I
don't think he'll mind
for the purposes of this game if
you say you'll marry Kelly brook.
Er, I think he
might mind if, er,
if she marries me instead.
Anyway, where
does Kelly brook live?
I dunno, Los Angeles.
Long distance relationship. Mm.
You know, I mend photocopying
machines for a living,
are me and Kelly brook really
gonna have anything to talk about?
Well...
And she'd be yaddering on
about her acting and her modelling.
When I get home
from a hard day's work,
who's gonna talk to me about
photocopiers, knowledgeably?
Kelly brook? I somehow doubt it.
We're worlds apart, Ben.
Also, this one-night stand
I'm having with Abi titmuss.
How can I say I'm
really committed to Kelly,
you know, committed
enough to be married?
Why did I do it?
Why did I sleep with Abi?
You may need to
pull over for a second.
I just need ten
minutes on my own.
You can meet me from work
and we just go straight there.
- Well, I have a baby.
- Yeah.
Well, I think it'd be a bit
easier if you met us there.
Because I don't want to go
across town with the baby.
Phwoar!
Look at the bangers on that!
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
[Groans]
One, two, tit pie.
Uh! I'm eating that,
I'm gonna eat that up.
Unbelievable! I wouldn't mind
hanging out the back of her.
Ooh. Yes, yes, yes! Ohh!
Were you checking her out?
[Chuckles] Don't be so paranoid.
- Hi there.
- Hi there.
I'm looking for a foundation.
Looking for a foundation.
But I've got quite
sensitive skin.
Can you not do that?
It's really childish
and annoying.
Look, are you going to serve
me or are you going to copy me?
Are you going to serve me
or are you going... [giggling]
I want to see your manager now.
[Both laughing]
Hi, can I help you?
- Your staff here are behaving...
- Your staff here...
- behaving like.
- Are behaving like.
- This is...
- This is...
- You're pathetic.
- You are pathetic.
Oh, just forget it!
Forget it!
[All giggling]
♪ I'm not gonna
dance for them today ♪
♪ I might shake
my feet to the beat ♪
♪ but I shake it my way ♪
♪ cos sometimes they
make me run too fast ♪
♪ sometimes they
make me sing too loud ♪
♪ but I'm only singing out ♪
♪ to get through the crowd ♪
- Boo! Ahh!!
- Ah [chuckles]
[Manic laugh]
You are not sneaking out
on me, are you, love boat?
No, no, it's just...
Mmm. Mmm.
You... [roars]
You were an animal last night.
[Moans]
- [Moans]
- [Nervous laugh]
Well, erm, i-I'd better be...
Going, gotta be...
Somewhere else.
Ok, but I don't have
your phone number.
Oh. [Nervous laugh]
And we can't make
anymore hot loving.
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!
[Laughs] Unless we can
get a hold of one another.
- [Laughs] Ok?
- [Nervous laugh] Ok.
Shoot.
Ok, it's... it's four...
[Mobile keypad beeps]
Just four?
Uh-huh.
No other numbers?
Erm... yes.
[Laughs]
- I was gonna say, I was gonna say.
- [Laughs]
Oh, ok. Ah.
It's-it's four, four...
00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:58,880
Four, four, four... four, four.
- One short.
- Four.
Great! Bzz! [Laughs]
Sorry, I'm a bit like...
[Groans] You know. It's just...
It's just, like, there's
some guys out there
and then they sleep with girls,
and they wake up and they think,
"oh, my god, she's an f-ing
freak," you know? [Manic laugh]
And then they leave a fake phone
number so you can't get a hold of them.
Those men are arse... heads.
- [Laughs]
- Erm, ok, gotta go.
I can't believe
this is happening.
Yeah, I know. I know.
[Cries] We had some
great times, right?
Oh, yeah, great times.
[Mumbling whilst crying]
Sorry?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
transformer.
I'm a transformer?
[Mumbling whilst crying]
- Former?
- Bah!
- Feather?
- [Agitated mumbling]
- Forever?
- Yeah!
[Mumbling whilst crying]
You will attack me with
your robot army forever?
Nooo.
[Man] Oooh.
Oh, yeah, that's a good boy.
What are you doing?
I'm watching telly.
What does it look like?
Don't be sarcastic. Uh-huh.
- Did you read the sheet?
- What sheet?
His diet sheet. The vet
said it was really important.
I think I know how to
feed a dog properly.
[Sighs] What is it with
you and instructions? Yeah.
A dog is a dog. If it doesn't
like it, he is not gonna eat it.
Well, the vet said to me...
Oh, the vet said, the vet said.
- [Groans]
- He's alright, look at him.
Ain't ya, boy, eh?
You're alright, ain't ya?
- Ain't ya?
- [Dog whines]
[Sighs]
I'd better have a look at that.
[Woman snoring]
[Grimacing, retches]
[Coughing]
[Heavy breathing]
[Sniffs, exhales]
Oh, shit.
Morning, dad.
How do I look?
Er...
You don't like it, do you?
No, it's-it's er,
it's really... really classy.
Erm, but we really
do have to go.
Er, well, what about the hat?
The hat... is great.
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
Well, maybe...
Maybe at, er,
other points you've worn
hats that have fitted you better.
What, are you
saying it doesn't fit?
Well, it feels like it fits, so.
Er, it's just that,
that hat is quite high.
- High?
- Mmm.
It's just perhaps
20 centimetres too
far above your head.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Ooh, shag, marry, kill?
Oh, brilliant, I love this game, I
love this game. Let me go first.
Fine ok. Anna friel, Heidi Klum.
[Sharp inhale]
Britney Spears.
Shag, marry, kill.
Three very
attractive ladies, Ben.
Oh, yes, sir, and
it's decision time.
What you gonna do,
shag, marry or kill?
Ok, I'd shag
probably...
All of them, yeah.
I'd just, I'd just shag
them, I'd shag all three.
[Chuckles] Well,
yeah, you would,
but for this one
you've just gotta,
you've just gotta choose
one, shag, marry, kill?
No, no. I'm-I'm gonna
stick with my first answer.
I definitely choose shag.
You can't just choose shag, you've
just got to shag one of the women.
Oh, I get it.
It's just the rules of the game.
Right, ok, well,
this is, this is what
I'd do, I'd say, "hey,
let's-let's forget the rules,
let's just go up to my room
and shag each other senseless."
[Chuckles] I love this game.
You can't do that.
Why?
Because it's the rules.
I'm just saying,
I'd ignore the rules.
Yea, but that way the
game is pointless, alright?
Not for me. Wa-hey!
No! You can only choose one.
You can only choose
one of those women.
- Britney Spears.
- Fine. So who you gonna marry?
Ah, this is hard.
I'd marry my
ex-girlfriend Vicky.
No, not your
ex-girlfriend Vicky!
Well, I've given it quite a
lot of thought, you know.
I was wrong to let
her go. I should have...
You know, she
was, she was great.
♪ Ten little bottles
standing on the wall ♪
put the green ones
in the green bank.
Brown ones in the brown bank.
Ten little bottles all done.
All done, eh, Josh?
Where's Josh?
So, how many women
have you slept with, Ben?
Don't wanna say.
Go on, mate, don't be shy.
No, it's embarrassing.
Come on.
Alright, eh, let me have a
think, let me have a think.
Er, I have slept
with... infinity women.
[Laughs]
You're a dark horse, mate.
Yeah, yeah, I suppose I am.
Oh, right, right, that's er,
that's an estimate, is it?
No, no, that's an exact amount.
Oh, right, yeah. Yeah, me too.
Oh, er, actually, Andy,
you just said that you'd
like slept with three people.
Sorry, ed. Er, call me a cynic,
but I don't think that Ben is
telling us the whole truth either.
Whoa.
I'm sorry, Andy?
Ed, er, this is Ben
we're talking about, ok?
What exactly is your problem?
Is it because I
suffer from obesity?
Is that it?
Ahh, yeah, Ben's fat.
He couldn't possibly
sleep with a lot of women.
An infinite number of women
could never find him attractive.
Is that what you're thinking?
No, I'm thinking that sleeping
with infinity women is impossible.
- Easy, tiger.
- Nothing's impossible.
Well, clearly, that is.
[Scoffs]
Clearly not. I think I
know what this is about.
Yeah?
You don't have to get bitter cos
you've only slept with three people.
And I've slept with an
infinite multiple of that.
Ok, this is shit. See ya.
[Both groan]
That's a shame.
You're not gonna catch up
with me now, are you, Andy?
A white short...
[Gasps] Hi. Hi.
Hello.
[Deep voice] I'm so
sorry I'm late. [Chuckles]
What's going on? Why
are you talking like that?
[Both mutter]
Erm...
Yeah, I have let myself go a bit
and, erm...
Well, my voice has got fat.
Erm, how could
you get a fat voice?
Well, er, some people put
on weight in strange places.
Er, no.
You're not gonna have a drink?
Oh, no, I can't, it'll go
straight to my voice.
Come on, sal, these
crash diets never work.
Martin's booked a trip
to sardinia next month
and I really can't walk along the
beach in a bikini with a fat voice, can I?
You've put on a bit
of weight, so what?
You can't starve yourself.
The thing is, erm...
Martin has started
listening to me differently.
He, er, hates my
voice this resonant.
It's not resonant.
It is resonant, Nina.
I've got a fat voice.
Your voice is beautiful.
It's voluptuous, isn't it?
Yes! I love it.
- [Sighs]
- You want a little bit of this?
It is delicious.
Nina, you should
have it, it's really good.
Oh, shit, that's so lovely.
[Crying] Oh, my god!
[Crying] Espadrille.
Espadrille?
[Crying]
Claret?
[Cries]
Michigan.
[Crying] No.
Rachel Stevens,
er, Natalie imbruglia
and Kate moss.
Shag, marry, kill?
I would shag Kate moss.
I would marry Rachel Stevens.
So I guess that means I
would kill Natalie imbruglia.
You'd-you'd kill
Natalie imbruglia?
Yeah. Yeah.
But she's-she's lovely.
Why'd you wanna kill her?
Well, because...
She's a beautiful,
talented woman
with her whole
life in front of her.
She's done loads of good
songs. I really love 'torn'.
It is just a game.
You know, and you'd
get caught as well.
High-profile target like Natalie imbruglia
there'd be police all over the place.
You'd go down for years.
I have to kill her because
the game says I have to.
Ignore it. Have
some will power, man.
It is the fucking rules, Geoff. I
have to kill Natalie imbruglia.
You are not, repeat not,
going to kill Natalie imbruglia.
Geoff, I am going...
Listen to me. Promise
me you won't do it.
Alright, I promise you I won't
murder Natalie imbruglia.
Put your hands of
the... Jesus Christ, Geoff!
Ok, so let's-lets, erm, let's start
the game again. Shag, marry, kill.
I'm really glad Lisa
set us up together.
Me too.
I normally hate it when friends
pair you off with complete strangers.
Yeah.
The thing is, all the guys
I've been out with recently
have just been
unbelievably stupid.
Think you're different though.
- Well, touch wood.
- [Knocks on table]
Sorry, that'll be the door.
Good. That's all good.
We have had your test results.
May I be blunt with you?
No.
Right.
Well...
Everything is fine.
You're not gonna die.
Oh, that's brilliant.
Thank you. Bye.
Bye-bye.
[Groans]
Is everything alright?
Look, I...
I know this is a bit of a
crap time to tell you this...
Darling?
So I'm just gonna go
right ahead and say it.
What's the matter?
I've been having an affair.
What? An affair? Why?
It was a mistake,
and it just happened.
Who is it? Who the hell is it?
Ok, ok, she's called
Sarah. Sarah Thompson.
She works in my office.
Yeah, no, Tom, i'm-I'm
Sarah Thompson.
- Are you?
- Yeah, yeah. No, I'm Sarah.
Oh, I thought you were Phoebe.
No, no, no, Phoebe's your wife.
No, no, I'm still
not getting it.
Erm, ok. Er, you live together,
you've got three children.
- Oh, the little people.
- Yes, the little people.
And-and I call them,
"Phoebe and the kids".
Yes, yes, you live with her, you've
been married for about six years.
And you are?
Well, no, I'm Sarah. I'm the
woman you're having the affair with.
Brilliant, brilliant.
Thank god, cos I was bricking
it about having to tell you.
You silly sod.
[Laughs] Alright, ok.
Oh! Oh!
There we are.
Ah, ok. Now, don't
forget to pick the kids up.
It's their swimming
lesson tonight.
I'm going to back late tonight
because I've got work,
business, work,
meetings and stuff.
Oh, Tom, no,
remember, I'm Sarah.
Sarah, I don't know anyone called
Sarah. God, you are so paranoid.
Tom.
Ok, you go and hide
and we're gonna start counting.
Can mummy hide with me?
Well...
Erm, no, do you remember, darling,
mummy has to help daddy, doesn't she?
That's right. Because
you're so good at hiding,
-daddy needs all the help he can, ok?
-Alright.
- [Man] Good boy. Off you go.
- Go on, there we go.
One, two, three...
[Man on tape] Four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, eleven, twelve...
So, remember what I
said, you're stripes, ok.
- Stripes.
- Yeah, so.
You want to hit
this white ball here
into this stripy ball here,
and if you can,
get it into this hole,
- or "pocket" as we call it.
- Pocket.
- Yeah.
- Pocket.
- Pocket.
- Yes, ok.
So, do you think you're
ready to have a go at that?
I can try.
Ok, good girl. Alright.
So get yourself
comfortable on the table.
That's-that's, whoa!
That's, ha-ha. Yeah, that's it.
And then you want to
line the end of the cue
with the middle of
the white ball, ok?
So that you can knock it
into there, into there, alright?
So, when you, when you,
when you've
lined it up, that's it,
just pull the cue back
and push through.
And we're looking at the ball,
so we pull back
and we push through.
Pull back. And you're
doing it on your own now.
Ok, so pull back,
and push through.
Did I get it?
No, darling.
Oh, shit!
Not-not to worry,
sweetheart, we'll go again.
Well, may-maybe
the Spears broken.
No, no, it's... bless
you. It's called a cue, ok?
- Cue?
- And it's absolutely fine.
Cue. Really?
-Yeah. So let's go again. And this time...
-So silly.
Please hold on to the
cue for the whole shot.
Ok. [Chuckles]
Ok, alright, ok.
- Let's go. Right.
- So let's line it up again.
Ok, then. I'm...
So I'm going to, so
I'm going to pull back...
- Yeah. Good.
- And push through.
- Hands like that.
- Correct.
- All good, great.
- Hold on the whole way through.
- Yeah.
- Pull back, push through.
Pull back.
I forgot to stand.
Aardvark, stick,
flambé,
snail, suitcase...
Banana.
[Woman] I have no idea what
people wear at discos nowadays.
Don't worry. [Groans]
You don't like the shoes?
Shoes are great.
Right, it's the pigtails then, isn't
it? I'm-I'm too old for them, aren't i?
The pigtails are perfect.
It's just... [sighs]
The, er, the dress...
What?
It's just a little... loud.
You can never just
say I look nice, can you?
Reading from his new anthology,
I'm very excited to welcome here
onto this stage,
mr Julian Ramon.
[Applause]
That's my boyfriend.
Erm, this one's called
'to the one I love'.
"Her lips are like roses,
her hair flows like wine,
her skin is so soft,
and her eyes are divine.
I ache to be with her,
I long for her touch.
I love my dear mummy,
I love her too much."
[Man coughs]
It's probably just a metaphor.
"Her body's a castle
I dare not invade,
her bottom's a bank
I'm forbidden to raid.
Society's prison, oh,
when will I be free?
Oh, when will it be just
my mummy and me?"
- [Scattered applause]
- [Whispering]
This next piece is called
'daddy's sack of love'.
Shit, it's Greg.
Well, hello. Long time no see.
Erm, this is Vicky.
Hello, Vicky, very
nice to meet you.
Very nice to meet you too, Greg.
So it must be, bloody
hell, what, a year now?
Three years.
Three years since you dumped me?
Broke my heart. Sheesh.
So what's been happening?
Well, I got married.
Whoa. I mean, congratulations.
And you?
Erm, it's a bit of a
long story, actually.
Erm, I moved back in
with my parents for a while
and then sort of late last year
I became the king of Spain.
King... the king of Spain?
Yeah, I know, it's really weird.
It's some bloodline
thing on my mum's side.
So you still live with
your mum and dad?
No, no, no, no, I'm living in
Madrid, in the palaccio De aritte.
- [They laugh]
- Sorry.
So, you, Greg, have
become the king of Spain?
King Greg now.
You must have been the laziest most
useless man I've ever been out with,
and, what, now you're
the king of Spain?
Yep. And apparently
I'm a pretty good king.
- Wow.
- Yeah, yeah.
According to polls I'm the
best one they've ever had.
Me, a brilliant king!
Anyway, enough about me.
Who's the lucky guy?
Paul Reynolds.
He-he's at her work.
Is he a king?
No, he is an accountant.
Is he? Yeah.
Some other things I love
about being king, er, you know,
being the ruler of millions
of people, blah, blah, blah,
untold wealth, et cetera,
but I've never had a head
for figures, like this guy.
That must be, oh,
very interesting.
Mmm.
Well, best of luck with it.
Anyway, great to see you, sal.
Lovely to meet you, Vicky.
Jolly nice to meet you, my lord.
And anytime you're,
er, you're in my kingdom,
er, drop me a text.
[Vicky] Great.
Anytime. Ok.
I will.
Ok. Hasta laviego.
Well, he's done very
well for himself, hasn't he?
[Scoffs] Spain.
[Man on tape] 16,842.
16,843.
16,844.
16,845.
[Tape stops]
Coming, ready or not!
Found you. Come on, brush
your teeth and bed, please.
[Chuckles]
[Keyboard tapping]
Er, hi, Kelly.
Sorry about the
minstrels yesterday.
Sorry about what?
When I went to the newsagents
and I asked you if you wanted anything
and you said you
liked minstrels.
Oh, god, that's ok.
I mean, if they didn't
have any, I liked the m&ms.
Yeah, but you prefer
minstrels, right?
Er, I guess so. [Uneasy chuckle]
Good.
I've got something for you.
Oh, god, as long as it's not a
fax, the machine's broken again.
No.
No, it's-it's not a fax.
Here.
Oh, my god.
Wow. It's...
It's a minstrel.
A giant minstrel.
Where... where did you buy it?
I made it.
Really? You're joking?
No, I made it last night.
You're kidding me?
No, I definitely made it, Kelly.
Believe me, I made it
out of other minstrels.
Wow. [Laughs] There
must be hundreds in there.
Don't know.
About 7,053.
I picked a few boxes up from the
cash and carry last night after work.
[Mumbles incoherently] Twat!
Luckily though, I
found a 24-hour shop
and a couple of petrol stations on
the m1 that were open till four in the am.
[Nervous sigh]
It must, it must
have taken you ages.
Don't know...
Well, I had to chip all
the little crispy shells off
and then grind them
down into a powder.
That needed mixing with some glucose
to form a paste for the outer shell.
That needed sanding down
between coats and a final Polish
but other than that, easy.
Wow, well, I'm blown away
because it is a like
a perfect minstrel
but it's much, much bigger.
Do you like it then?
Yeah, well, I-I like
minstrels, so... [laughs]
Like minstrels more
than m&ms, yeah?
Yeah.
Could you put that
in the bin for me?
Thank you very much.
[Phone ringing]
Mummy says we can't cook but
we'll show her, won't we, Josh?
Mmm, smell that lovely Turkey.
Daddy's the kitchen king.
Yes, he is.
Where's Josh?
[Oven beeping]
which means, my
friend, you are to marry...
[Trumpet]
Miss Kelly brook.
Wow.
Kelly brook.
Oh, hold on, isn't she
with the actor Billy Zane?
To be honest, I
don't think he'll mind
for the purposes of this game if
you say you'll marry Kelly brook.
Er, I think he
might mind if, er,
if she marries me instead.
Anyway, where
does Kelly brook live?
I dunno, Los Angeles.
Long distance relationship. Mm.
You know, I mend photocopying
machines for a living,
are me and Kelly brook really
gonna have anything to talk about?
Well...
And she'd be yaddering on
about her acting and her modelling.
When I get home
from a hard day's work,
who's gonna talk to me about
photocopiers, knowledgeably?
Kelly brook? I somehow doubt it.
We're worlds apart, Ben.
Also, this one-night stand
I'm having with Abi titmuss.
How can I say I'm
really committed to Kelly,
you know, committed
enough to be married?
Why did I do it?
Why did I sleep with Abi?
You may need to
pull over for a second.
I just need ten
minutes on my own.
You can meet me from work
and we just go straight there.
- Well, I have a baby.
- Yeah.
Well, I think it'd be a bit
easier if you met us there.
Because I don't want to go
across town with the baby.
Phwoar!
Look at the bangers on that!
I can't believe what I'm seeing.
[Groans]
One, two, tit pie.
Uh! I'm eating that,
I'm gonna eat that up.
Unbelievable! I wouldn't mind
hanging out the back of her.
Ooh. Yes, yes, yes! Ohh!
Were you checking her out?
[Chuckles] Don't be so paranoid.
- Hi there.
- Hi there.
I'm looking for a foundation.
Looking for a foundation.
But I've got quite
sensitive skin.
Can you not do that?
It's really childish
and annoying.
Look, are you going to serve
me or are you going to copy me?
Are you going to serve me
or are you going... [giggling]
I want to see your manager now.
[Both laughing]
Hi, can I help you?
- Your staff here are behaving...
- Your staff here...
- behaving like.
- Are behaving like.
- This is...
- This is...
- You're pathetic.
- You are pathetic.
Oh, just forget it!
Forget it!
[All giggling]