Man Like Mobeen (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 4 - Fake News - full transcript
-[Nate] It’s going to drag you back in.
-What’s he doing here, man?
-You don’t just escape this life, brother.
-[gun cocking]
[Azaar] Cal, what you doing?
[Mobeen] What are you doing, Cal?
Telling random girls you’ve got
30k worth of coke in your car.
-[sirens wailing]
-It’s my car now, blood.
You two set me up, man.
You’re a dead, man! And you, bro.
Azaar, I didn’t have
nothing to do with that.
[Azaar] No, you’re a liar.
[Eight] Mobeen...
Cal?
Mobeen, shall I shoot him?
Give me the strap. Go, go, go, go.
[hip-hop music playing]
[growling]
[growling loudly]
[dog barking]
[whimpers] It’s staring at me.
Trust me, if they bite you, you get Ebola.
What you on about?
It’s a dog, not a wild Congolese bat,
Eight, yeah?
And anyway, what are you panicking for?
These things are friendly, look.
-Hello, baby boy.
-[barks]
-[speaking Hindi]
-This is not how you turn 16.
How do you want to celebrate
your 16th birthday? Go on.
A good birthday is being at
a Tekashi 6ix9ine concert,
mosh pitting to "Billy,"
whilst screaming "scum gang."
Who's the 6in9ine Tekashi now?
Mate I have no idea.
But, what happened to
the good old days of hip hop, innit?
Fiddy and 2pac.
-[chuckling]
-Only God can judge me now.
Yeah.
But why did he turn into Barry White
on certain words and that?
-Family.
-[both] Enemies.
[chuckles]
I guess we’re stuck here
'cause we’re broke.
[Mobeen] Listen, listen,
we’re not broke, yeah?
This is one of the premier places to be
in Brum on a Friday night.
-[retching]
-[man] Ugh!
Oh, wow.
Living the dream. Yay for me.
[sighs] Been queuing up for ages, man.
You hate queuing up.
Something ain't adding up.
Well, everything adds up.
Everything adds up.
-Is she here?
-Huh?
Who’s... Who's she?
I don’t know who she is.
[Nate] You know who she is,
that Welsh hoe.
Don’t call her that.
Oh, I’m sorry. Did I offend you
and you’re hoe-ass hoe?
-[footsteps approaching]
-[sucks teeth]
[Lisa] Move.
Beg your pardon.
Vernon was keeping our place in the queue.
Now we’re back, so move.
Who's Vernon now?
My dog.
Your dog was keeping your place
in a queue?
[chuckles] I don’t think
dogs can legally do that.
You’re being very stupid.
Sorry, I’m being stupid?
Just get the fuck
out of our way, gob-shite.
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
Would you please mind having
a word with your lovely lady,
if that's all right?
Lisa is a strong and independent woman.
I would never try to control her.
-You’re scared of her, aren’t you?
-Yeah.
-Oi!
-[grunts]
[scoffs] Listen, yeah? This is
the real world, not a fantasy island
where Vernon the Alsatian
has a national insurance number,
works night shifts at Costco,
and keeps places in queues.
So, nah, we ain't going nowhere, tell her.
Leave now.
What you going to do?
Call the queue police, yeah?
You lot make me sick.
[crowd gasps]
It’s too much.
Yeah...
-Could you go away?
-What, you want me to go?
-[Nate] You should.
-Actually, yeah.
Huh? Go.
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
She's nice.
I ain't scared... [coughs]
I ain't scared of no...
I ain't scared of nobody, innit?
Yeah.
[Mobeen] You better take your dog, Lisa,
and go.
[Eight] Yeah.
Attack, Vernon.
-[barking]
-No!
-Allah!
-[whimpers]
[Lisa] He knocked out Vernon.
Whoa.
-I’m calling the police.
-[Nate] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, there’s about
15 different phones, yeah,
that recorded you telling
your dog to attack us,
so if you don’t want to go to jail
for a very long time,
you should probably take Vernon
and do one.
-[scoffs]
-[Aks] Yeah, do one.
This just really upset me.
-[whimpering]
-Is he all right, though?
Yeah, I’m fine.
[hip-hop music playing]
[Lisa] Get up, Vernon.
You lot are weird.
Happy birthday.
Crazy golf’s shit anyway.
Mobeena.
That was going in.
That was the best thing
I’ve ever seen in my life.
No, it wasn’t, man.
I feel like one of the bad guys
out of John Wick.
Yeah, you are.
Why you so happy about that?
Hello, Aqsa.
Hi, guys.
Oh, hey, Miss Aitken. You all right?
[Miss Aitken] What have you been up to?
Golf with you lot and one of my teachers.
Brilliant birthday.
Much better than the birthdays
I had growing up.
[Mobeen] Yeah.
Maybe we see if the headmaster
wants to come, too?
-Excuse me, young lady.
-What’s got into you?
I’m going to get a massive sugar rush
off a slush puppy.
Speaking of puppies, yeah.
Do you know Mobeen--
Ah, I... I love little dogs. Tiny ones.
Yeah, he would never punch
a puppy in the face.
[Mobeen chuckles nervously] Anyway,
how about we get some
competition flowing up in here?
Playing pairs and that,
a little two-on-two?
Probably not. Miss Aitken, yeah?
Great.
Get your own golf bat!
Within a couple of weeks
I’ll be Aqsa’s official legal guardian,
because I’m smooth like that.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know. It''s crazy, innit?
It is crazy.
That a legal professional’s
going to make you her guardian.
She adores you,
she just might not tell you.
I can see why.
Yeah.
Listen, I’m a real G out here,
so I can’t be doing that romance stuff,
you know what I mean?
You? You’re about as gangster as
the guy from Eton who owns this place.
Culture-appropriating bastard.
-[sighs]
-Oh!
[man] Hey!
So listen, Miss.
What do you say, me and you tomorrow,
another round of cultural appropriation?
-Hmm? No?
-No.
No? Okay. Yeah, that’s fine. That's fine.
Go for a coffee though.
Yeah? What about that
fancy coffee shop across the road?
The one where all the wankers go?
-All the wankers go there, yeah.
-Deal.
Yo, listen.
If we’re going to shake on this,
then we trade a family handshake, yeah?
It’s legally binding,
so just be aware of that.
Bring your hand in,
close it, burns,
and a little finger wiggle a lot. Huh?
Mobeena. What are you doing, you kuta?
You take that handshake back
this instant, Mobeen Deen.
Allah can see what you’re doing,
you tramp.
Yeah. Mosque committee is proper strict
about this stuff so...
-Sure.
-I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?
-See you.
-Cool.
What you shouting for, huh?
[Eight] You’re a kuta.
Hey, Nate, hey.
-Mobeena.
-Huh?
Can’t even spell loyalty.
Can you?
L... No.
Listen. Hey, hey, yo, yo, hey.
-What’s wrong?
-I’m not good enough for you.
-Sorry?
-Um, guys.
Maybe I should speak
in a Welsh accent, boyo.
Sorry?
Maybe we should do
a special handshake, boyo.
Okay, yeah, let’s do the family handshake
if that stops this. Come on.
Oh, shut up. Have a look at this.
Mobeen punching Vernon’s gone viral.
Huh?
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
-Oh, yeah!
-[laughing]
That’s really, really,
really not very good.
Do you know what this means?
Yeah, I’m going jail for canine GBH.
That’s what it means.
Nah. We’re going to be famous.
Yes!
Oh, my days. What are you going to do
with all the money?
Being a viral superstar.
I could take my pick.
You could get a Rolls-Royce Phantom
on 44’s.
I want to get a trampoline, yeah,
but it’s in the ground, innit,
'cause the other one
I get scared that I’ll fall off.
But it’s made of gold, so...
Trigger, Rodney, Boyce,
you’re on a Facebook page
with 8,000 followers, yeah.
You’re not in the next Avengers.
Not yet, we’re not.
All it took was
a bit of hypothetical money
for you lot to lose your minds out here.
Listen, when I had all that money,
didn’t I hold it down for you lot?
Wish you still had that money.
No, you don’t. Haram money.
-Try me.
-Mobes is right.
We don’t need the money.
We’ve got each other.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And we’re Facebook famous.
[laughs]
Give me that video. Let me see that clip.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
Look at this poor dog.
How do I get this taken down?
Poor dog? It was going to kill me.
Why do you want it taken down?
It’s wicked.
Because, lala,
stupid people will see that
on the Internet and copycat it.
I think he mean copy-dog it.
It’s had another 200 views
since we’ve been stood here.
-♪ My left stroke just went viral ♪
-♪ In a style... ♪
Stop.
No, no, No, yeah.
Listen, the Internet is a fake
and dangerous place, yeah?
Back to the real world, please.
Let’s go home.
Home. Let’s go. Come on.
I ain't getting this shit taken down.
Hate it when he does his dad voice.
Shall we watch it again?
Yeah.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-Oh! [all laugh]
[Mobeen shouting indistinctly]
[upbeat music playing]
I really need your help, Uncle Shady.
You and your tits had better come in.
Thank you.
[Shady] Don’t you try to break
my fucking door again.
I didn’t. I’m sorry.
Virgin muni.
So, what do you reckon? Can you...
Can you get rid of this video for me,
Uncle Shady?
Like forever.
-Definitely.
-Oh, thank you.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[laughing]
[laughing]
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[laughs]
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[laughs]
Can you get rid of it now then?
-[Vernon whimpers]
-Don't rush me, bastard.
It’s such a good video.
This is the best thing
you’ve ever done in your shit life.
[laughing]
[humming]
Tickle here.
Tickle there.
Tickle everywhere.
It’s done.
Oh!
[chuckles] Thank you so much, Uncle Shady.
You’re welcome, bastard.
Oh, thank you.
Have you seen this version?
What version?
-[music playing]
-This one.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
-[laughs]
-Someone’s put an ISIS flag in that video.
And the caption says "Death to infidels."
[laughs]
What kind of sicko makes
a video like that?
[laughing] Me.
[Vernon whimpers]
Can you get rid of that version
as well then, please?
I will give this a few more moment.
You’ve punched a dog in the face.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-Wait until Lydia sees this.
She will definitely going to have
sex with me.
-No.
-[laughs]
Have you got any Johnnys?
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[hip-hop music playing]
Yo.
Yo, listen.
Confirmation on a full wankery
vibe in here. Flippin' heck!
I don’t think you’re in a position
to be judging anyone, Mobeen.
I can say without a doubt
that this is unsettling, yeah.
Sorry.
Going viral for punching a dog
in the head is not unsettling for you?
Oh, shit.
It’s probably what the dog thought
when it saw your fist
heading towards its cranium.
Listen, I feel terrible
about what happened to that dog,
but it was going to eat my little sister.
Oh, come on.
What? Listen, if Vernon the Alsatian
was going to take a chunk
out of your nan’s hip replacement,
you’d just let him get
his pedigree chum on, yeah?
Obviously not.
Plus my nan’s dead, so.
Wasn’t Vernon, was it?
[laughs]
Shut up, you idiot.
No, listen, man, that clip is
completely out of context.
If you want the truth of what happened,
come to me, I’ll tell you.
And what about the comments,
are those the truth?
What comments?
Sha-wa g'won, G.
Who are you?
MC Bromsgrove.
MC Bromsgrove?
Bromsgrove, as in the area of Birmingham
with the most elderly care homes, yeah?
Listen, man,
it’s hard out there, you know.
I’m sure it’s hard for these OAP’s.
There’s real gangster shit out there
in Bromsgrove, yeah.
But if you don’t mind, we’re having
a moment here, so can you just...
Oh! Oh, yeah.
You’re with shortly and that, yeah.
I see you. [sucks teeth] Nice.
-Yo!
-I just...
wanted to give you
my new "Grimy-P," innit.
Why?
Well, you’re a hard hitter out here, yeah.
Everyone knows that this week, woof, yeah?
Big man, I don’t punch dogs
in the head for fun, yeah?
And what’s the correlation between that
and you giving me a "Grimy-P," anyway?
Well, I just thought you could share it
with all the other OG’s
down in the hood, yeah.
Okay, yeah. We’ll listen to it
whilst we egg and flour the RSPCA.
See you then, yeah?
That’s what the Internet does to people.
Listen, Mobeen,
it’s not the ridiculous comments.
It’s the words that say,
"Someone better take this clip down
because Mobeen will shoot you
in the face."
And what about half the kids
in my school saying,
"Mobeen’s going to have to stop selling
all the drugs in Small Heath
when he gets viral"?
-Yeah, but--
-Oh, yeah, and this one.
"Mobeen spent time in prison already.
He better get ready for another stretch."
So what?
So what, you believe all the things that
your kids write on the Internet, yeah?
No, but you’re telling me
there’s no truth in this whatsoever?
There a little bit of truth.
Partially. A little bit.
-Partially?
-Yeah, wha... What?
Oh! Mobeen, I am your sister’s teacher.
I need to know
what I’m getting myself into here.
Getting yourself into? Look...
I’m not a bear trap. You’re not
getting yourself into anything.
Yo, my G, I just... I couldn’t resist.
Please just let me spit, like,
16 bars to you, man.
My guy, now is not the right time.
We see this one
from the prospective of the dog, yeah?
Look, Mobeen,
I’m not saying you’re a trap.
♪ Time for the revenge
on the part of the hound ♪
♪ I’m going to bite more beats
So man can’t get found ♪
♪ Or in the gat,
Don’t be a cat, grat-at-at-at-at... ♪
I really like you.
I just, I need to know.
♪ RSPCA, do one
Boom, boom, boom, boom... ♪
You sound like...
♪ Nothing can save you
Bat-at-at-at-at, reload... ♪
[imitating gun firing]
Yo! Shut up, blood!
I... [sighs]
I’m sorry for shouting. Listen,
there’s still plenty you don’t know
about me, yeah.
Who am I kidding, anyway?
Someone like you doesn’t end up
with someone like me, so...
I’m sorry for wasting your time,
Miss Aitken.
I’m not saying...
And, yo, Bromsgrove.
Sorry for shouting, yeah. Yeah?
You keep rhyming out here, all right?
The man's going to make a whole new album
right out of this moment, yeah.
I’m sure you will, MC Bromsgrove.
Now that he’s gone,
does that mean you’re single, yeah?
-Fuck off.
-Yeah, okay.
[music playing]
Ohm, that was sick.
I didn’t know you could throw like that.
I could teach you how to do it.
No, I’m wicked at Kerby.
[stammers] I’m the division champion.
Yeah, I’ve found them.
I heard they’re going to put
Kerby in the Olympics in 2024.
Where did you hear that from?
It was on the Internet, I think.
You should play for Africa as well.
Oh, wow.
I’m going to do it blindfolded.
-[engine revving]
-[tyres screech]
Eight, run.
[sighs]
Where have you been?
Yo, listen. I’ve got something
to show you. Have a look at this.
It’s gone. The video has gone
from everywhere.
Yes, I know. I had it taken down.
How are we supposed to monetize it now?
-"Monetize"?
-Yeah.
I was speaking to this guy
about selling merchandise.
He had said he could get you
on Loose Women.
Have you lost your mind, kid?
You always said you wanted
to meet Gloria Hunniford.
But not like this.
[scoffs] We could have played this right
and had money.
Lots of money.
I’m sick of this.
I’ve had enough of the Internet.
I’m not three years old.
I can reach it.
Can you calm down, you little psychopath.
Sit down.
No.
Sit down, please.
Thank you.
Listen, what’s with you and money,
money, money all the time?
Well, in case you haven’t noticed,
we haven’t got any, have we?
Have you got a roof over your head?
-Yes.
-Do we eat three meals a day?
-Yes.
-Do we have heating when it’s cold?
Well, you always tell me to turn it off.
Don't... All right. Don’t answer me back.
Listen, you’re right.
No, we haven’t got loads of money.
What I’m saying is
we’ve got a lot more than most,
Aqsa, so be grateful.
Listen,
as long as I’ve got you,
I am more than happy with this life.
Do you understand?
Just me and you?
Not her?
Just me and you. Ah...
and Eight and Nate as well.
Obviously.
I forgot I got one more
birthday present for you.
I hope you like it.
This better not be another
Groupon voucher for salsa dancing.
[sighs]
[gasps]
-So this means...
-Yeah,
-I’m your legal guardian.
-[sighs]
[chuckles] Come here. Come here.
Come here, you.
I love you, kid.
How we going to celebrate?
Let’s get the heating on.
-Get--
-[knock on door]
-Yo, Eight, man, come on.
-[pounding on door]
Hey, can you stop
banging the door, please?
Hey, I’m at the door...
-[grunting]
-[Eight] Got a knife.
-Mother--
-Whoa.
[Eight sobbing]
Speak, you little fag.
Tell him what Azaar said.
Mobeen, he said next time it’ll be Aks.
See you around, Mobeen.
See you around, sweetheart.
[Eight] Aqsa, don’t. Don’t come out.
[tyres screech]
Mobe’s. Mobe’s, don’t.
Don’t.
[electronic music playing]
[knocking]
They all come back in the end.
Now go and take care of your business.
[electronic music playing]
-What’s he doing here, man?
-You don’t just escape this life, brother.
-[gun cocking]
[Azaar] Cal, what you doing?
[Mobeen] What are you doing, Cal?
Telling random girls you’ve got
30k worth of coke in your car.
-[sirens wailing]
-It’s my car now, blood.
You two set me up, man.
You’re a dead, man! And you, bro.
Azaar, I didn’t have
nothing to do with that.
[Azaar] No, you’re a liar.
[Eight] Mobeen...
Cal?
Mobeen, shall I shoot him?
Give me the strap. Go, go, go, go.
[hip-hop music playing]
[growling]
[growling loudly]
[dog barking]
[whimpers] It’s staring at me.
Trust me, if they bite you, you get Ebola.
What you on about?
It’s a dog, not a wild Congolese bat,
Eight, yeah?
And anyway, what are you panicking for?
These things are friendly, look.
-Hello, baby boy.
-[barks]
-[speaking Hindi]
-This is not how you turn 16.
How do you want to celebrate
your 16th birthday? Go on.
A good birthday is being at
a Tekashi 6ix9ine concert,
mosh pitting to "Billy,"
whilst screaming "scum gang."
Who's the 6in9ine Tekashi now?
Mate I have no idea.
But, what happened to
the good old days of hip hop, innit?
Fiddy and 2pac.
-[chuckling]
-Only God can judge me now.
Yeah.
But why did he turn into Barry White
on certain words and that?
-Family.
-[both] Enemies.
[chuckles]
I guess we’re stuck here
'cause we’re broke.
[Mobeen] Listen, listen,
we’re not broke, yeah?
This is one of the premier places to be
in Brum on a Friday night.
-[retching]
-[man] Ugh!
Oh, wow.
Living the dream. Yay for me.
[sighs] Been queuing up for ages, man.
You hate queuing up.
Something ain't adding up.
Well, everything adds up.
Everything adds up.
-Is she here?
-Huh?
Who’s... Who's she?
I don’t know who she is.
[Nate] You know who she is,
that Welsh hoe.
Don’t call her that.
Oh, I’m sorry. Did I offend you
and you’re hoe-ass hoe?
-[footsteps approaching]
-[sucks teeth]
[Lisa] Move.
Beg your pardon.
Vernon was keeping our place in the queue.
Now we’re back, so move.
Who's Vernon now?
My dog.
Your dog was keeping your place
in a queue?
[chuckles] I don’t think
dogs can legally do that.
You’re being very stupid.
Sorry, I’m being stupid?
Just get the fuck
out of our way, gob-shite.
♪ Happy birthday to me ♪
Would you please mind having
a word with your lovely lady,
if that's all right?
Lisa is a strong and independent woman.
I would never try to control her.
-You’re scared of her, aren’t you?
-Yeah.
-Oi!
-[grunts]
[scoffs] Listen, yeah? This is
the real world, not a fantasy island
where Vernon the Alsatian
has a national insurance number,
works night shifts at Costco,
and keeps places in queues.
So, nah, we ain't going nowhere, tell her.
Leave now.
What you going to do?
Call the queue police, yeah?
You lot make me sick.
[crowd gasps]
It’s too much.
Yeah...
-Could you go away?
-What, you want me to go?
-[Nate] You should.
-Actually, yeah.
Huh? Go.
Yeah, that’s what I thought.
She's nice.
I ain't scared... [coughs]
I ain't scared of no...
I ain't scared of nobody, innit?
Yeah.
[Mobeen] You better take your dog, Lisa,
and go.
[Eight] Yeah.
Attack, Vernon.
-[barking]
-No!
-Allah!
-[whimpers]
[Lisa] He knocked out Vernon.
Whoa.
-I’m calling the police.
-[Nate] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Look, there’s about
15 different phones, yeah,
that recorded you telling
your dog to attack us,
so if you don’t want to go to jail
for a very long time,
you should probably take Vernon
and do one.
-[scoffs]
-[Aks] Yeah, do one.
This just really upset me.
-[whimpering]
-Is he all right, though?
Yeah, I’m fine.
[hip-hop music playing]
[Lisa] Get up, Vernon.
You lot are weird.
Happy birthday.
Crazy golf’s shit anyway.
Mobeena.
That was going in.
That was the best thing
I’ve ever seen in my life.
No, it wasn’t, man.
I feel like one of the bad guys
out of John Wick.
Yeah, you are.
Why you so happy about that?
Hello, Aqsa.
Hi, guys.
Oh, hey, Miss Aitken. You all right?
[Miss Aitken] What have you been up to?
Golf with you lot and one of my teachers.
Brilliant birthday.
Much better than the birthdays
I had growing up.
[Mobeen] Yeah.
Maybe we see if the headmaster
wants to come, too?
-Excuse me, young lady.
-What’s got into you?
I’m going to get a massive sugar rush
off a slush puppy.
Speaking of puppies, yeah.
Do you know Mobeen--
Ah, I... I love little dogs. Tiny ones.
Yeah, he would never punch
a puppy in the face.
[Mobeen chuckles nervously] Anyway,
how about we get some
competition flowing up in here?
Playing pairs and that,
a little two-on-two?
Probably not. Miss Aitken, yeah?
Great.
Get your own golf bat!
Within a couple of weeks
I’ll be Aqsa’s official legal guardian,
because I’m smooth like that.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know. It''s crazy, innit?
It is crazy.
That a legal professional’s
going to make you her guardian.
She adores you,
she just might not tell you.
I can see why.
Yeah.
Listen, I’m a real G out here,
so I can’t be doing that romance stuff,
you know what I mean?
You? You’re about as gangster as
the guy from Eton who owns this place.
Culture-appropriating bastard.
-[sighs]
-Oh!
[man] Hey!
So listen, Miss.
What do you say, me and you tomorrow,
another round of cultural appropriation?
-Hmm? No?
-No.
No? Okay. Yeah, that’s fine. That's fine.
Go for a coffee though.
Yeah? What about that
fancy coffee shop across the road?
The one where all the wankers go?
-All the wankers go there, yeah.
-Deal.
Yo, listen.
If we’re going to shake on this,
then we trade a family handshake, yeah?
It’s legally binding,
so just be aware of that.
Bring your hand in,
close it, burns,
and a little finger wiggle a lot. Huh?
Mobeena. What are you doing, you kuta?
You take that handshake back
this instant, Mobeen Deen.
Allah can see what you’re doing,
you tramp.
Yeah. Mosque committee is proper strict
about this stuff so...
-Sure.
-I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah?
-See you.
-Cool.
What you shouting for, huh?
[Eight] You’re a kuta.
Hey, Nate, hey.
-Mobeena.
-Huh?
Can’t even spell loyalty.
Can you?
L... No.
Listen. Hey, hey, yo, yo, hey.
-What’s wrong?
-I’m not good enough for you.
-Sorry?
-Um, guys.
Maybe I should speak
in a Welsh accent, boyo.
Sorry?
Maybe we should do
a special handshake, boyo.
Okay, yeah, let’s do the family handshake
if that stops this. Come on.
Oh, shut up. Have a look at this.
Mobeen punching Vernon’s gone viral.
Huh?
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
-Oh, yeah!
-[laughing]
That’s really, really,
really not very good.
Do you know what this means?
Yeah, I’m going jail for canine GBH.
That’s what it means.
Nah. We’re going to be famous.
Yes!
Oh, my days. What are you going to do
with all the money?
Being a viral superstar.
I could take my pick.
You could get a Rolls-Royce Phantom
on 44’s.
I want to get a trampoline, yeah,
but it’s in the ground, innit,
'cause the other one
I get scared that I’ll fall off.
But it’s made of gold, so...
Trigger, Rodney, Boyce,
you’re on a Facebook page
with 8,000 followers, yeah.
You’re not in the next Avengers.
Not yet, we’re not.
All it took was
a bit of hypothetical money
for you lot to lose your minds out here.
Listen, when I had all that money,
didn’t I hold it down for you lot?
Wish you still had that money.
No, you don’t. Haram money.
-Try me.
-Mobes is right.
We don’t need the money.
We’ve got each other.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
And we’re Facebook famous.
[laughs]
Give me that video. Let me see that clip.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
Look at this poor dog.
How do I get this taken down?
Poor dog? It was going to kill me.
Why do you want it taken down?
It’s wicked.
Because, lala,
stupid people will see that
on the Internet and copycat it.
I think he mean copy-dog it.
It’s had another 200 views
since we’ve been stood here.
-♪ My left stroke just went viral ♪
-♪ In a style... ♪
Stop.
No, no, No, yeah.
Listen, the Internet is a fake
and dangerous place, yeah?
Back to the real world, please.
Let’s go home.
Home. Let’s go. Come on.
I ain't getting this shit taken down.
Hate it when he does his dad voice.
Shall we watch it again?
Yeah.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-Oh! [all laugh]
[Mobeen shouting indistinctly]
[upbeat music playing]
I really need your help, Uncle Shady.
You and your tits had better come in.
Thank you.
[Shady] Don’t you try to break
my fucking door again.
I didn’t. I’m sorry.
Virgin muni.
So, what do you reckon? Can you...
Can you get rid of this video for me,
Uncle Shady?
Like forever.
-Definitely.
-Oh, thank you.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[laughing]
[laughing]
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[laughs]
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[laughs]
Can you get rid of it now then?
-[Vernon whimpers]
-Don't rush me, bastard.
It’s such a good video.
This is the best thing
you’ve ever done in your shit life.
[laughing]
[humming]
Tickle here.
Tickle there.
Tickle everywhere.
It’s done.
Oh!
[chuckles] Thank you so much, Uncle Shady.
You’re welcome, bastard.
Oh, thank you.
Have you seen this version?
What version?
-[music playing]
-This one.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
-[laughs]
-Someone’s put an ISIS flag in that video.
And the caption says "Death to infidels."
[laughs]
What kind of sicko makes
a video like that?
[laughing] Me.
[Vernon whimpers]
Can you get rid of that version
as well then, please?
I will give this a few more moment.
You’ve punched a dog in the face.
-[Vernon whimpers]
-Wait until Lydia sees this.
She will definitely going to have
sex with me.
-No.
-[laughs]
Have you got any Johnnys?
-[Vernon whimpers]
-[Lisa] Vernon!
[hip-hop music playing]
Yo.
Yo, listen.
Confirmation on a full wankery
vibe in here. Flippin' heck!
I don’t think you’re in a position
to be judging anyone, Mobeen.
I can say without a doubt
that this is unsettling, yeah.
Sorry.
Going viral for punching a dog
in the head is not unsettling for you?
Oh, shit.
It’s probably what the dog thought
when it saw your fist
heading towards its cranium.
Listen, I feel terrible
about what happened to that dog,
but it was going to eat my little sister.
Oh, come on.
What? Listen, if Vernon the Alsatian
was going to take a chunk
out of your nan’s hip replacement,
you’d just let him get
his pedigree chum on, yeah?
Obviously not.
Plus my nan’s dead, so.
Wasn’t Vernon, was it?
[laughs]
Shut up, you idiot.
No, listen, man, that clip is
completely out of context.
If you want the truth of what happened,
come to me, I’ll tell you.
And what about the comments,
are those the truth?
What comments?
Sha-wa g'won, G.
Who are you?
MC Bromsgrove.
MC Bromsgrove?
Bromsgrove, as in the area of Birmingham
with the most elderly care homes, yeah?
Listen, man,
it’s hard out there, you know.
I’m sure it’s hard for these OAP’s.
There’s real gangster shit out there
in Bromsgrove, yeah.
But if you don’t mind, we’re having
a moment here, so can you just...
Oh! Oh, yeah.
You’re with shortly and that, yeah.
I see you. [sucks teeth] Nice.
-Yo!
-I just...
wanted to give you
my new "Grimy-P," innit.
Why?
Well, you’re a hard hitter out here, yeah.
Everyone knows that this week, woof, yeah?
Big man, I don’t punch dogs
in the head for fun, yeah?
And what’s the correlation between that
and you giving me a "Grimy-P," anyway?
Well, I just thought you could share it
with all the other OG’s
down in the hood, yeah.
Okay, yeah. We’ll listen to it
whilst we egg and flour the RSPCA.
See you then, yeah?
That’s what the Internet does to people.
Listen, Mobeen,
it’s not the ridiculous comments.
It’s the words that say,
"Someone better take this clip down
because Mobeen will shoot you
in the face."
And what about half the kids
in my school saying,
"Mobeen’s going to have to stop selling
all the drugs in Small Heath
when he gets viral"?
-Yeah, but--
-Oh, yeah, and this one.
"Mobeen spent time in prison already.
He better get ready for another stretch."
So what?
So what, you believe all the things that
your kids write on the Internet, yeah?
No, but you’re telling me
there’s no truth in this whatsoever?
There a little bit of truth.
Partially. A little bit.
-Partially?
-Yeah, wha... What?
Oh! Mobeen, I am your sister’s teacher.
I need to know
what I’m getting myself into here.
Getting yourself into? Look...
I’m not a bear trap. You’re not
getting yourself into anything.
Yo, my G, I just... I couldn’t resist.
Please just let me spit, like,
16 bars to you, man.
My guy, now is not the right time.
We see this one
from the prospective of the dog, yeah?
Look, Mobeen,
I’m not saying you’re a trap.
♪ Time for the revenge
on the part of the hound ♪
♪ I’m going to bite more beats
So man can’t get found ♪
♪ Or in the gat,
Don’t be a cat, grat-at-at-at-at... ♪
I really like you.
I just, I need to know.
♪ RSPCA, do one
Boom, boom, boom, boom... ♪
You sound like...
♪ Nothing can save you
Bat-at-at-at-at, reload... ♪
[imitating gun firing]
Yo! Shut up, blood!
I... [sighs]
I’m sorry for shouting. Listen,
there’s still plenty you don’t know
about me, yeah.
Who am I kidding, anyway?
Someone like you doesn’t end up
with someone like me, so...
I’m sorry for wasting your time,
Miss Aitken.
I’m not saying...
And, yo, Bromsgrove.
Sorry for shouting, yeah. Yeah?
You keep rhyming out here, all right?
The man's going to make a whole new album
right out of this moment, yeah.
I’m sure you will, MC Bromsgrove.
Now that he’s gone,
does that mean you’re single, yeah?
-Fuck off.
-Yeah, okay.
[music playing]
Ohm, that was sick.
I didn’t know you could throw like that.
I could teach you how to do it.
No, I’m wicked at Kerby.
[stammers] I’m the division champion.
Yeah, I’ve found them.
I heard they’re going to put
Kerby in the Olympics in 2024.
Where did you hear that from?
It was on the Internet, I think.
You should play for Africa as well.
Oh, wow.
I’m going to do it blindfolded.
-[engine revving]
-[tyres screech]
Eight, run.
[sighs]
Where have you been?
Yo, listen. I’ve got something
to show you. Have a look at this.
It’s gone. The video has gone
from everywhere.
Yes, I know. I had it taken down.
How are we supposed to monetize it now?
-"Monetize"?
-Yeah.
I was speaking to this guy
about selling merchandise.
He had said he could get you
on Loose Women.
Have you lost your mind, kid?
You always said you wanted
to meet Gloria Hunniford.
But not like this.
[scoffs] We could have played this right
and had money.
Lots of money.
I’m sick of this.
I’ve had enough of the Internet.
I’m not three years old.
I can reach it.
Can you calm down, you little psychopath.
Sit down.
No.
Sit down, please.
Thank you.
Listen, what’s with you and money,
money, money all the time?
Well, in case you haven’t noticed,
we haven’t got any, have we?
Have you got a roof over your head?
-Yes.
-Do we eat three meals a day?
-Yes.
-Do we have heating when it’s cold?
Well, you always tell me to turn it off.
Don't... All right. Don’t answer me back.
Listen, you’re right.
No, we haven’t got loads of money.
What I’m saying is
we’ve got a lot more than most,
Aqsa, so be grateful.
Listen,
as long as I’ve got you,
I am more than happy with this life.
Do you understand?
Just me and you?
Not her?
Just me and you. Ah...
and Eight and Nate as well.
Obviously.
I forgot I got one more
birthday present for you.
I hope you like it.
This better not be another
Groupon voucher for salsa dancing.
[sighs]
[gasps]
-So this means...
-Yeah,
-I’m your legal guardian.
-[sighs]
[chuckles] Come here. Come here.
Come here, you.
I love you, kid.
How we going to celebrate?
Let’s get the heating on.
-Get--
-[knock on door]
-Yo, Eight, man, come on.
-[pounding on door]
Hey, can you stop
banging the door, please?
Hey, I’m at the door...
-[grunting]
-[Eight] Got a knife.
-Mother--
-Whoa.
[Eight sobbing]
Speak, you little fag.
Tell him what Azaar said.
Mobeen, he said next time it’ll be Aks.
See you around, Mobeen.
See you around, sweetheart.
[Eight] Aqsa, don’t. Don’t come out.
[tyres screech]
Mobe’s. Mobe’s, don’t.
Don’t.
[electronic music playing]
[knocking]
They all come back in the end.
Now go and take care of your business.
[electronic music playing]