Man Like Mobeen (2017–…): Season 4, Episode 1 - Gotta Catch 'Em All - full transcript

This programme contains
strong language

Mobeen, welcome back
to the world of haram.

Great to be here.

Shit! Go, go, go!

Sajid, you take this one.
Is that Saj from school?

Who's in charge now, huh?

Stop wasting taxpayers'
money on this bullshit.

We're the police. We waste
taxpayers' money on whatever we like.

You have an informant
in your organisation.

For disrespecting
me, people disappear.

Come here! You will never
threaten my family again!



Mobeen, you just made
this personal, yeah?

Mobeen...!

Let go of him! Fam!

He's done nothing!

Khan.

Is that you, then, Dr Deen?

I love you. And Nate.

Yo, Mobeen. They found Khan.
He's hiding in Karachi.

What you going to do?

So, tell us, Mobeen, what
can we do to become more...

..united?

Oh, I'll tell you, my brothers.

We can become more united...

..through the power of bars.



Oh, we are all brothers.

Him, you, and me.

Oh, we're together like numbers.

One, two, three.
NATE: That's crazy.

Hard, innit? Yeah. Hard.

You see, my brothers, friendship
and unity must be the goal,

even if the streets
call us pussios.

Bro dare to call me a pussio?

Me not hear...

He's got PTSD. Oh.

He's got PTSD.

It's immoral and haram
to sell heroin and crack.

Oh, it's very much illegal,

like the war in Iraq.

Fuck Tony Blair. Yeah?

I said what I said.
I said what I said.

Yeah, come on. Yeah, man.

But, my brothers...

..we've been through pain.

My best friend, Eight, is dead.

Got shot twice in the
back, once in the head.

Dishkow, dishkow,
dead in the groundie.

I wanted revenge,
but Nate made me see

I have to change my ways.

♪ All eyes on me. ♪

Tupac. RIP.

Yeah, man, that's it!

♪ All eyes on you... ♪ Thank you.
Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you.

Who loves their mum?

I hate my mum. My mum's a twat!

Oh, fuck. Shut up, mate.

Oof.

Come on, shuffle, shuffle.

Who loves their mum?

I do, Mega. I love my mum.

I do. I love her.

I love my mum. Yes. Yes, Mega.

Because, in here, I'm your mum.

See, the thing about
a good mum is...

..she disciplines her
lads when they misbehave.

So, who wants to explain
to me why Mummy's Es...

..and Mummy's spice
and Mummy's heroin...

..hasn't been sold all week?

It's... you-know-who's fault.

Elaborate.

Well, at the listener sessions,

he said selling people gear in
here is like killing their own,

and he also said you have Type 2
diabetes and had gout on three toes.

Well, he's wrong.

I don't have Type 2 diabetes.

I have two types of diabetes.

There's a difference.

Here's what I
think. We're fucked.

You're going to
get my gear sold,

or I'm going to have your real
mums thrown off Small Heath Bridge,

and you can attend
the funeral on Zoom.

So you can forget about being
monks, priests and imams!

Got it? ALL: Understood. Yes.

Right, get fucked.

I want you-know-who and his
lanky, Oprah Winfrey wife

to know that I'm going to
catch them in their wing,

and you're going to
help me do it. How?

You're going to get your
cousin, the screw, to set it up.

You got that? Yes, Mummy.

Good.

Cos I'm going to kill...

♪ Baby, I'm a criminal

♪ Baby, I'm a criminal

♪ Kilogram in digital

♪ Living in a sticky world

♪ Freedom from the prison world

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

Get the fuck off me!

♪ Baby, I'm a criminal

♪ Baby, I'm a criminal... ♪

Nate.

Not long left, huh?

Almost home, mate. Almost home.

Well, well, well.

Mobeen "Haramzada Bastard" Deen.

There you are.

Saj, must know this, yeah?

But the word "haramzada"
directly translates into English

as "bastard," so you just
called me "bastard bastard".

New garms?

Or is that a prison officer
fancy dress costume for toddlers?

Saj too small, eh?

It's 2023. Don't
body shame me...

..you fat fuck.

Thank you.

I'm here to tell you boys I've just
been put in charge of this wing.

Ah, shit!

I'm now in charge of two wings

and 600 inmates. Yes!

You are in charge of 600 people?

Bro, you know when
we were kids? Yeah?

He wasn't trusted
with his lully.

Just one tiny lully.

Let's round of applause that.

That's incredible. You
oversee 600 human lives?

Bro, what's it like coming to
work every single day, right,

and knowing that all
600 of those people...

..are taller than you?

Oi, that's a good one,
innit? That's a good one.

That's funny. That's funny.
You two, you can laugh now,

laugh all you want, but
you've got a surprise coming -

a new arrival, and not the
good kind, like a baby.

It's not a baby.

Huh?

Why would you even
bring up a baby?

Oi, bro, I don't want a baby.

No, no, no! There's going to be
no babies in here on my watch.

On the level? We've
got two weeks left.

We don't want no drama.
So, please, daffa ho.

Plus, I've been talking
to this girl online, man.

You know, I haven't had...

..in years!

Disgusting.

Listen, I'm still
here, you dick holes!

And I'm going to make sure
that your last moments in here

are the worst that any human
being has ever experienced.

You can't do that.
Oh, yes, I can.

Oh, no, you actually can't.

Why not? Because, Officer Sajid,

the worst moments ever
lived by a human being...

Have already taken place.

It's when your mum realised
that her 35-year-old son

would never be taller
than her wheelie bin.

You are so fucking short, bro.

No, I'm 5'6"!

Like, this big,
really. Fuck off, yeah?

I hate him. Honestly, man.

But how is he on our doorstep?

I can still hear you!

Shut up!

Stop hurting my
feelings, all right?!

I'm average height in Pakistan.

Yeah, for an 83-year-old
auntie. Nothing to be proud of.

Fuck's sake!

Oi, get back in there!

I said get back in your cell!

How does someone like him
even get a job in here?

Oh, yeah.

Because Sajid and Chippy
are... They're cousins.

Bro, you better hope that
new arrival ain't Megalodon.

Well...

Why, blood? Why?

You think man is
scared of... Huh?

I am scared of Megalodon. I am.

I'm just trying to save the brothers.
You told me, "Save the brothers."

How about you save us?
We ARE the brothers.

Can't be getting in any
more trouble, Mobes.

Yeah, I know.

Because nothing's going to stop
me from getting some good...

.. "ee-ah!" Whoo! Hey!

Whoo! Do it one more time.

Ah! Whoo!

Don't do that on the
first date, though.

Nah. Probably end up
back in here, innit?

Full Clip by Gang Starr

♪ Do you wanna mess with this?

♪ One of the best yet

♪ We've got it

♪ You can feel the realness... ♪

Excuse me, are you
listening to me?

What are you talking
about? I did not push in.

You very clearly did because I was
stood there and now I'm stood here.

So, how did that happen?

You want to watch who you're
speaking to, dickhead.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Jamal, look at me, yeah?

We spoke about this.

Anger leads to...?

More jail time.
Yeah. There you go.

'Low him, man. OK, OK.

I promise you, I
did not push in.

Er, yes, you did.

It's incredibly uncouth.

He's aware of what the
term uncouth means.

He studied English Literature
in young offenders.

Fucking love The Great
Gatsby. Loves it.

Fitzgerald. It's a
poor man's Salinger.

Who's this prick, anyway?
I don't know who he is,

but if you ask me,

there's a very noncy
vibe going on here.

What? Yeah,
definitely a nonce.

No, no, no. Honestly,
I'm not a nonce.

Sure? I'm 100%.

Prove it, what kind
of things you into?

Everyone involved,
50-plus, minimum.

OK? We're talking
Gen X, Baby Boomers.

Baby? B-Baby Boomers.

Astaghfirullah!

Hold on, no. They
were babies once.

Fool! Yeah.

No, I-I'm not a nonce, honestly.

Nonce vibes.

No, no, honestly,
honestly. Please.

Nonce. Guys, I'm serious.

Guys.

Oh, shit.

♪ 'Bout to bring it to you, kid

♪ Like we never ever did

♪ Hey, yo, inside the
ghetto or in a sunny meadow

♪ I'mma make you move
whether woman or fellow

♪ Yo, I got the medals in
the war field of respect

♪ Like an ill porno make
ya body get wet... ♪

Hang on there, love.

Wait.

You've been told about putting
Es in her nappy before, Nina.

Come on.

Look, she must've put
them in there herself!

♪ Just ease your mind, come
along and do the hop. ♪

Chips.

Oh, Chippu. Chippu, look at me.

Oh, Chippy, you better look at me
right now. I know you can hear me.

No way, Jose.

Is that right?

You talk with Jose?

Nah, not you, Jose. Oh, OK.

Sorry, Jose. No problem.

Muy bien.

I know you, Chippy, yeah?

I remember when you pissed on
yourself in Miss Arz's assembly.

I remember when you told
everyone Jamelia was your cousin,

and I remember when you said
you got Britney Spears pregnant

in Alton Towers cos you gave
her the ta-ta poom-poom.

That was a good day.

Yeah, I remember you
said it. Didn't happen.

Fraudulent activity.

Listen to me, OK? I
need to talk to you.

If Mega sees me
talking to you...

Listen to me, you don't
worry about Mega, OK?

This is just me and you.

We're mandem. We're brothers.

I want to ask you
about your cousin.

Jamelia? Not fucking
Jamelia! Saj. Saj.

No, Mobes. I ain't about that.
You've got bad juju on you.

Anyone who hangs around
with you ends up in prison.

Well, we're already here, so you
ain't gotta worry about that.

Or they end up dead.

Yeah? Dead.

Boo! Argh! Shit!

Fuck's sake. Keep it down.

Hey.

In case you haven't noticed, OK?
I shower with men who kill people.

That makes you jumpier than
usual. Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

I treat people who kill
people every day, on my own,

with four hours'
sleep to my name.

Can't you just become a dentist?
Then you don't have to work in A&E.

Can't you just be
a normal brother

who isn't framed for crimes
he allegedly didn't commit?

It's a very good point.

I've got nothing to say to
that. It's a good point, OK?

Mm-hmm. OK.

So, did you sort your beef
out with them doctor wankers?

No.

And I'm not going skiing.

Don't blame you.

The only thing whiter than the
slopes are the posh people on them.

And I can't afford to go skiing.
There's loads of gear and that.

About that, come here,
come here, come here.

I know this lad, yeah? He
works in Mountain Warehouse.

He said he could liberate
all the stuff you need -

skis, goggles, helmets.
What do you want?

They're so cliquey about it.

They can all afford to
do whatever they like.

Well, they can eat a bowl
of tatti, bruv, yeah?

Remember who YOU are.

You are Aqsa Deen, my
little sister from the ends,

and even though you had an
idiot for a brother like me...

I prefer imbecile, but go on.

Yeah, OK. Imbecile over here.

But YOU are top of all
your medical classes.

You are the favourite
with your patients.

You see you? You're already
doing the impossible, man.

That was some emotional shit.

I mean, that should've
been on Disney+.

Fuck off.

I can't wait till you come home.

Honestly, me neither, man.

And Aqsa, I promise
you, when I leave here,

we ain't never coming back.

In sha'Allah! In sha'Allah.

Aqsa Deen, right?

Sit.

The doctor.

You're just the right
person to sort this guy out,

if anyone were to happen
to, I don't know...

..cave his head in?

That sort of thing
happens around here, Doc,

especially to people who
can't mind their own business.

Oi!

What you doing here, Big Show?

Your lawyer's in there.

I'll see you on your
wing soon, brother.

Nice to meet you.

I know.

Love you.

I love you too, kid.

♪ I'll be buckin'
'em like Palace

♪ Puffin' on my chalice. What?

♪ True sir, I'm a addict

♪ .24 Cali', don't
make me have to grab it

♪ Nah... ♪

Wow. That's an amazing position.

Mm. That will take the
pain in the lower back.

Oh, man, we're in trouble now.

Oh, shit's kicking off.

- Where's Mobeen?
- Mobe, wake up.

Mobeen, we're
coming for you, bro.

Mobeen Deen, wake up now.

I wanna... I don't wanna have a
massage from you again at night.

It make me feel too sexy
when you do that, man.

I don't want to give you
a massage, you khota.

I think Mega's here.

Shit!

We can try to burn him.

With incense sticks?

Shit. Wait, wait.

I'mma put this antenna
in his lully hole.

Inside. Yeah!

That's good.

Whoa!

Moonbeam. Nathaniel.

Oh! Officer Harper!
You're the new arrival?

Look at them cheekbones.
Can I touch them? Oh, gosh.

First things first.
Oh, gorgeous.

Keep your voices down.
Got a lot to discuss.

Second things second.
Pop the kettle on, Nate.

And you, sit. I
can't believe it.

Get a move on, lads.

Yeah. Colonel Moon Tittington.

That's me.

I'm here undercover
as a prison officer.

I know what you're both
thinking, and you're right -

I do look sexy as
fuck in this uniform.

Mm-mm-mm.

Hey, but listen, does
Saj know about this?

Saj knows what Saj always knows,

which is the square
root of fuck all.

I have to share an officer's
box with him on shift.

His breath still stinks of...

Loneliness and dutty onions. Mm.

Nah, it smells shit,
man, his breath.

Anyway, I'm going
to cut to the chase.

Oh, shit. There's a chase,
and we're cutting to it.

Khan.

Former Small Heath kingpin.

The man who had Eight murdered.

There's a chance that we
can put him behind bars

for the rest of his days.

Ginseng. It's
extremely cleansing.

Lovely, Nathaniel. Thank you.

We think Khan's left Karachi.

He's on the move.

We need you to help
us catch the bastard.

No.

No.

Harper, listen to me,
yeah? We are rehabilitated.

We don't want these
vibes in our life.

That's what prison does for you.

It also makes you sick at yoga.

He's flexy. I am.

Look, there's a new
inmate on the wing.

Now, he's got access to the bank
accounts, balances and offshores

of Khan's entire
financial operation.

What?

Even juicier, he has
a detailed breakdown

of Khan working with
every bent copper in Brum.

Impossible. Look what
you're saying, OK?

This is why you don't
trust them, yeah?

That is why we don't trust
him, cos if that was true,

whoever this man is,
he would be dead.

Khan would've duppied
him, yes or no?

Definitely. What's he
talking about? Rubbish.

He deleted all the digital
details of Khan's money

and memorised the info.

He's got a photographic memory.

Oh, shit.

What's his name?

Memory Stick.

Memory Stick? Is that, like...
like a code name or something?

Nah, his mum worked in PC World.

Course it's a fucking code name.

Right.

Look, I need you to make
friends with him because...

I can't believe I'm
going to say this.

..you're incredible with people.

It's your best skill.

I mean... It's like
a gift from Allah.

Say again?

What did you just say?

It's like a gift from Allah.

♪ Allahu akbar! Allahu akbar! ♪

You're right. I am
a gift from Allah.

That's not what I said.

Allah gave me this gift.

1986. Can you
stop? You're right.

I've been saying this since
primary school. I felt it.

Just think about it, will you?

That IS cleansing, Nathaniel.

Told you.

He actually thinks
you're going to do it.

Not you.

Smarter than that, right?

Yeah.

Not Today Mate by Yazmin Lacey

Chaplain, I need your advice.

This place has changed
me, fundamentally.

I'm a new man.

I'm ready for a new life.

A new start.

I don't understand you, bastard.

Uncle, I'm saying...
I've changed.

Yes. Yes, you are a
much better bastard now.

And you know one thing
I admire most about you?

Mm-hmm?

That you no longer care

that you were responsible
for your friend's death.

This is good.

And the men who killed your friend
will come after your sister.

And I wonder if that long,
green coat will fit you

after all this prison
food, Roly Poly.

Roly...?!

Next criminal!

♪ To all the killers and
a hundred dollar billers

♪ Check it out now... ♪

♪ I got you stuck off the
realness, we be the infamous... ♪

Hi.

Thanks, Mobes. No problem.
You know I love you.

Ah, smells delicious.
Smells sick, innit?

Yeah. I just love you, though.

Love you, man.

Unless you want
another one of these,

you're wasting your time.

Mobes ain't getting involved.

Haven't you told him yet?

Hmm?

No, but...

You're doing this?
What about moving on?

What about Tupac?

Tupac is dead, OK?

And I don't want us
to end up like Tupac.

As long as Khan is
out there, brother,

we're going to be looking over our
shoulders for the rest of our life.

Where is he?"

Then just look
over your shoulder.

There's worse things to do than
looking over your shoulder.

If you've got a sore neck, I'll
give you a massage, I promise.

Nah, man.

I'm sorry, Nate.

But I promise you, this ain't
going to impact you, OK?

It's all on me.

♪ It's all on me. ♪

Yeah?

Nate, come on, baby.

I'm not your baby.

It's nice to see this
relationship's got healthier.

D'you want me to give
you two a minute?

No, we're fine.

Show me his picture.
Bloody Memory Stick.

This is him.

Ah.

That's definitely the guy?

Mm-hmm.

He's in the infirmary.

Is he?

Been battered senseless.

Why, did he...? Why?

Cos everyone thinks
he's a nonce.

Did they say that
he was a nonce?

Mm-hmm.

It was you, weren't it?

I didn't do.

I did, but look at his fringe.

He has got a nonce
fringe. He has.

I need you to get to him.
But he's on a secure wing.

I can't get into that
infirmary. There's no way.

Yeah, about that - there's really
only one way I can get you in there.

How? How? How?

Ugh...

Oh, it's going to hurt me a
lot more than it hurts you.

Oh! You f...

Oh! Ugh...

Fuckin'...!

Oh, my balls. Ow, my
balls. What the fuck?

Yeah, you might have to hold a
couple of licks, too, Nathaniel.

Huh? Sorry, pal.

Got to make it look legit.

Ah!

Ugh!

Oh, I've really missed you two.

I hate this, Officer Harper.

Ah...!

♪ I was a terror since
the public school era

♪ Bathroom passes,
cutting classes,

♪ Squeezing asses

♪ Smoking blunts
was a daily routine

♪ Since 13

♪ A chubby brother on the scene

♪ I used to have the tre-deuce

♪ And the deuce-deuce

♪ In my bubblegoose

♪ Now I got the
Mac in my knapsack

♪ Lounging black,
smoking sacks up

♪ In Ac's and Sidekicks

♪ With my sidekicks
rocking fly kicks

♪ Honeys want to chat

♪ But all we wanna know

♪ Is where the party at

♪ And can I bring my gat?

♪ If not, I hope
I don't get shot

♪ Better throw my
vest on my chest

♪ Cos Brooklyn is a mess... ♪