Man Like Mobeen (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Return of the Pack - full transcript
An old friend makes an unexpected return, leaving Aks, Eight, and Nate concerned about what this means for Mobeen.
[upbeat music playing]
-[Aks] Quiet, Mobeen.
-[Mobeen] I ain't going to be quiet.
[Aks] You don’t know what you’re on about.
[Mobeen] I ain't going to be quiet.
You need to listen to me, young lady.
-Just stay out of it.
-Recognise what I’m saying, yeah.
-Stay out of it.
-Listen to me.
Look at me.
Contouring with a simple Dior palette
brings about outstanding results
in the cheekbone area.
I don’t even want to hear
no more about it.
Whatever. I prefer Rihanna make up, so...
That’s 'cause you’re obsessed
with celebrity, that’s why.
Get a grip on your life, yeah.
I should never have shown you
those YouTube tutorials.
Yeah, well you did.
I subscribed to them all
and now we're here, so there you go.
Yo.
What are you doing, you mup?
What you fucking call me?
Mobeen, let’s just go.
That’s it. Walk away.
I’m going to tell my mum about you.
Mobeena.
Cal!
[both screaming]
Oh, my God, bro!
-[chuckles]
-Bro, you were due for release next year.
Oi, hold on a minute.
Have you escaped?
I can’t be getting arrested right now.
What?
We got bakery class.
-Bakery class?
-Yeah.
Don’t act like you’ve never banged out
a bit of short crust when you’re
in prison, you know what I mean?
You’re right.
It’s actually quite therapeutic
actually that.
Oh, mate.
I can’t believe you’re here, bro.
Come here.
Oh, mate.
-Yeah.
-[sighs]
Little Aqsa.
How big you are now, eh.
You know, last time I seen you
I was showing you which colours
to mix together to make other colours.
-Do you remember that?
-Did that.
I’m just grateful you didn’t teach me
how to mix talcum powder with cocaine.
[laughs]
Oh, sharp as hell.
She ended up just like you, Mobeen.
Uh.
[breathing heavily] Listen, my brother.
We’ve got so much to catch up on,
you know, yeah?
But it stinks of piss around here,
so let’s do it later, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
Course, course mate.
I’ll say this for now.
I’m ready to be like you.
You want to be like him?
I’d rather stay in prison.
-Oi.
-No.
But you need to show me how.
I need your help blood. You’re out here
living your best life on your deal
and that, brother, I see you.
Ah, I don’t know about
all that best life stuff.
Listen, I know...
everyone thought I’d live and die
by this life, I know that.
Okay.
But after nine years in that hell-hole...
I ain't going back, you get me?
Nah, nah. You’re not,
you're not, bro. You’re not.
-Ah!
-Mate.
[chuckles]
I’ve never seen two men
cuddle each other so much.
That’s it.
Oh, mate.
-Okay.
-[Aks] Mobeen.
-Okay.
-Let’s go.
-Uh-huh.
-[indistinct]
Yeah. Okay, I got you.
I’ve got to go, yeah.
-I’ve got to go, okay?
-Yeah. All right.
-Yeah?
-Yeah. Nice.
[Mobeen] Come on, let's go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have fun with the Filo, bro. Yeah?
-Thank you, my brother.
-Yeah.
I’ll see you soon.
-Soon.
-All right.
Really making up for nine years
on missed cuddles.
Oi. You’re not allowed cuddles in prison.
People take it the wrong way.
-He’s a weirdo.
-He’s harmless.
Why you want to hang around
with him, anyway?
Because he used to be
one of my best mates.
Imagine if I didn’t have anyone
when I came out of prison.
And anyway, it’s not like
we’re going to see him every day, is it?
-Brother.
-Oh!
Hey, back again, bro, yeah.
I remember you was the guy back in the day
to throw the maddest parties.
It probably wasn’t me, though.
-Probably wasn’t me.
-No, no, we had the weed,
we had the honeys. Remember those
two sisters, remember, who we did?
Outstandingly well.
You know, educational endeavours, yeah?
-Can you shush, man?
-You need to throw me a party.
Listen, I’m not really about
that life no more.
Yeah, link up, up prism, yeah.
That old spot from back in the day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It better be good, though.
No, forget that, it better be perfect.
Okay, mate.
All right, Bashar al-Assad.
Someone’s acting very dictatory today.
Listen, mate. It’ll bang,
don’t worry, yeah?
And, Aqsa, do your other big brother
a favour, yeah?
Next time you see Paige, you tell her...
You tell her I’m going to see her soon.
I just need to get some money in.
No offence, but are you allowed
to see her?
Don’t worry about that.
Don’t worry about the social workers
or her mum or anything like that,
cause none of those arseholes
going to stop me seeing my daughter.
None of them.
Yo, woah, woah, woah, woah.
I’m sorry, kid.
Brother. Mobes, I’m sorry.
Sometimes I end up just...
You know.
Yeah, I know.
Listen, listen, I understand.
We’ll be all right.
We’ve got to get going now but...
We’ll see you later on, yeah.
Okay, yeah?
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Hey.
-[sighs]
-It’s a lot of hugs mate.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
[Aks] Okay.
That was nice.
-Sound hey.
-Sound, yeah, yeah, safe, safe.
Likes holding them, doesn’t he?
-Please.
-[Nate] No.
-Please, Nate.
-[Nate] No.
-Please.
-[Nate] No.
-Please.
-No.
-Yes.
-What?
No. No.
Why can’t you organise
this heaving get together, anyways?
Because I’m still trying to sort out
the thing?
You still haven’t sorted out the thing?
No, but I’m finalising it.
It’s in process. It’s all right.
When am I going to find out
about the thing?
Look. Listen, boys.
Cal is a good guy, you know.
He wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Didn’t he stab a guy in the eyes
with knitting needles?
Yeah.
But he didn’t go blind, so...
Ah, yeah. Well that’s fine then, isn’t it?
Look, he’s bad news.
You know it, I know it, even he knows it.
Yeah, I do. And I never know anything.
And if the party ain't perfect,
we’re all dead.
[chuckles] Don’t be silly.
We’re not all dead.
You two are dead, I’ll be fine.
Look, this ain't time for jokes,
Mobeen Dein.
You could have easily been with Cal the
day he smacked an axe on that guys head.
Yeah, well I wasn’t and I didn’t,
so it’s all hypothetical, innit?
You’re pathetical.
He’s going to drag you back in.
Listen, boys. Can you...
Can you just do it for me?
For me? Please.
Okay, Gandhi.
Thank you.
But look, if we do this
you better tell Aks about the thing.
I promise you I will tell Aks
about the thing.
[whispering] I will. Thank you.
-Eight.
-What?
You can’t wear a Mosque hat in the club.
That is proper harram, that is.
But what about the one with the mirrors
and the jewels on it?
Just save that for when you go on
Britain’s Got Talent, yeah?
When I win Britain’s Got Talent.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
[tires screeching]
[Cal] They were going to chop
one of them off.
So I said you could save
either your leg or his dick.
-Which one did he choose?
-His leg.
-What a dick.
-Yeah.
Oh, fuck sake.
Oh, look at the colour coordination
on these boys, innit.
Back streets back, all right.
All right, Azaar,
when’s the new single out?
-You all right, Cal?
-Yeah, you all right?
All right.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you boys currently competing
in the Formula 1 event at the moment?
What you on about, Mobeen?
I only ask cause you pulled up
like it's a Formula 1 pit stop, bro.
Oh, sorry, my man.
Listen, be careful, there’s kids
playing around here.
You’ve got to respect
the green cross code.
Do you remember what
the green cross code is, yeah?
Oh, man's on his period.
Cal, do us a favour, let’s go.
Nah, I’m not about that any more, bro.
I’m trying to do things differently.
Do right by my little girl, dude.
Is that what you call Mobeen these days?
[laughs sarcastically]
-It’s a good one though, innit?
-It's fast.
Listen, these geezers a mong, Cal.
Let’s go, man.
Nah, man, really. With all due respect,
Azaar, I’m out man.
With all due respect, Cal,
some people change, but you’re not one
of those people, do you understand?
I think you’ll find he can lead any
fucking life he chooses to.
Is that understood?
There he is, the old Mobeen.
Woah, woah. All right, lads. Come on.
It’s all right, Cal.
He knows where I’m going.
He knows whose area this is.
Same area that you give up.
Same area that you need to
behave yourself in, mate.
Cal, I’ll see you at your party.
You bring the Hobnob’s
and I’ll bring the bitches.
Come on.
You all right?
I’m calm.
-[Mobeen] Yeah?
-[Cal] Yeah.
[engine starts]
What’s wrong with you?
Look, if the party ain't perfect,
we’re in trouble.
What’s the worst that can happen?
Cal bites our retina’s out
and shoves them up our bottoms.
[inhales] Ow.
What’s a retina?
[sighs] Still no word from the club?
No.
You sure you left your number?
Yeah.
Your number. Not the number eight.
I'm just gonna make a phone call.
[sighs]
[upbeat music playing]
It's mad, innit?
Being out in a world
after so long in there.
[Mobeen] Whee! [laughs]
Mobes, please.
Sorry, sorry.
Stopping any time now, yeah.
Oops. Really tickles your willy now.
Oh, listen. Hey.
Take your time. Adjust, yeah.
As soon as you’ve settled in
you can fix your relationship
with your little girl, bro.
She doesn’t want to know me, blood.
Oh, you have to keep trying, man.
You have to keep trying.
You know your little girl should be
the most important person in your life.
You don’t need me to tell you that.
Look at you sitting here acting like
the perfect parent and that.
Bro, I ain't no perfect parent,
but listen to me, if you think
road is tough out here... [chuckles]
Wait until you’ve got to apologise
to a bunch of 15-year-old girls
who are Instagram living you,
'cause you forgot to pack
their bloody gluten free breads, innit.
No, I ain't doing that.
Then you have much to learn
about the dark side, Cal.
Trust me, man, they’re magical.
Brother, I was thinking of getting
Paige something, little gift and that.
Ah, yeah, real. That’s nice, yeah.
Do you reckon, um...
Could square me on some cash?
Of course. Of course, my brother.
How much do you need?
-Five grand.
-Five grand?
-Five grand now?
-[scoffs]
What you doing, putting a deposit down
on a mortgage, bro?
No, I ain't got no five grand for you.
Bruv, listen. Living this legit life’s
about living on a budget man.
Should never have asked.
Nah, it’s all right. It’s all right.
I tell you what. See if you can go all the
way around, like, when we were kids, yeah.
You do a 360 and I’ll give you 10 grand.
Go on.
-Go.
-Boom. Let’s do this.
I think I’ve got inertia, man.
I don’t feel very well.
-[Cal laughs]
-Please stop, brother. Please stop.
Hello, is that prison?
It’s one of them voice mails.
Hello, prison.
Prism. The name of the club is Prism.
Oh.
I did think that was a shit name
for a nightclub.
-Prison.
-Oh, my days.
Imagine saying you’ll meet
people there. [laughs]
-I’ll see you in prison.
-[both laugh]
I had a great time in prison last night.
[both laugh]
Cal. Cal,
do you wanna go back to prison?
[laughs]
Are you still on the phone?
Oh, yeah. Um, sorry.
I'll ring you back, nightclub.
[laughs]
Nate. Do you want to dance with me
in jail?
-[laughs]
-That’s not the joke.
-No.
-Oh, yeah.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
[Lydia] Are you Mobe? Do you think
you could come round to mine?
Yeah, sure. You okay?
[Lydia] I just really need
to speak to you again.
Ah, it's not a problem.
I'll be there.
[Lydia] Do you still like
chicken nuggets and a burger?
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
[both laughing]
[Nate] I wonder what we’re going to wear
in prison.
[both laughing]
Nate, did you see how long the queue was
for prison?
[Nate] I wonder if there are really
nice girls in prison.
[both laughing hysterically]
[Eight] I wonder, I wonder if I’ll need ID
to get into prison.
-[Eight] Oh!
-We haven’t done anything yet.
[Eight] For what?
[Nate] The party.
[Eight] Party?
[gasps] Retinas.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
Hello, Aunty Lydia.
Look at you, Mobeen.
Hey, you haven’t aged a day.
Thank you.
Well, you do look
a little bit older actually.
And heavier. Definitely heavier.
You didn’t tell Cal
that I asked to see you, did you?
No, no, no. Of course not.
Of course not. No, no.
Come in then.
If you can fit through the door.
[whispers] Cutting down
on carbs and everything.
[chuckling] What is going on
with this get-up?
What’s going on with what?
This, this Taliban Tarik look
you’ve got going on.
Excuse me, this is a vibe.
That’s all you need to know, yeah.
Okay. [chuckles]
-And do we know any?
-Sorry?
Taliban. Do we know any Taliban?
Yeah. I know them all.
We go Magaluf every year,
smashing out moves
with mullet Omar and them lot.
Well, I don’t know
what your online activity is.
I haven’t seen you for a little while.
I’m so sorry, you know.
I should have come to see you earlier.
My doors always open.
You’re like a second son.
You’re always going to be
my little Mobeen.
[chuckles]
[Shady] There’s a massive shit
in the toilet.
Uncle Shady?
Hello, bastard.
-Hm.
-Toilet’s blocked.
Shady’s always been very neighbourly
when it comes to stuff like that,
haven’t you?
It’s a pleasure to remove
the enormous shit for you, Lydia.
Aww. Bless you, sweet heart.
You’re a gentleman.
He ain't no gentlemen.
You need to get him out of your house.
I need to talk about Cal.
I’m worried, genuinely.
-What is it?
-[knock on door]
Just let me get rid of whoever that is.
[humming]
I know exactly what you’re trying to do
up in here, Uncle Shady.
What do you mean, bastard?
You know what I mean, yeah.
That massive lump of [speaks Hindi]
is the closest you're going to get to her.
That’s close enough for me.
That’s disgusting.
[door closes]
Aunt Lyd’s, what’s he doing in your house?
He just does all the odd jobs.
He always has done.
[Shady] Have you been eating
lasagne again, Lydia?
Got yourself a little brown man slave,
yeah?
Hey, don’t be cheeky.
He gets Thursdays off.
[laughs]
Mobeen, I’m genuinely worried about Cal.
I think he’s really struggling.
Yeah, well he would do.
He’s been in the slammer for nine years.
It takes a bit of adjustment, don’t it?
Yeah, but I think he’s at the start
of a really long journey
and he’s got zero aftercare.
I think his head is messed up
after that place.
Listen, we’re family.
I’ve got his back, you know that.
Yeah, well if you’ve got his back,
then you’ve got to cancel this party.
I can’t have him seeing them old faces.
Drugs and alcohol is...
He’s not strong, Mobeen.
Yeah, you’re right. You’re right, just...
Leave it with me, Aunt Lydia,
I’ll sort it out, yeah?
-Yeah?
-Yeah, I promise.
[Shady] It’s out. It’s big one, Lydia.
Really big.
He’s playing with your shit in there.
He means no harm.
[Shady] Big turd. Big, big turd.
He’s lonely.
Oh, come on.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
We’ve arranged your immoral get-together.
We’ve got DJ’s, food, girls.
-Okay, but listen--
-Ice sculpture spells the word cat.
-Cal.
-Cal.
-Really interesting but--
-[Nate] The theme is freedom.
With a less strict roped off area
of eight feet by ten feet.
-We’ve done a banging job.
-Okay, but listen, listen.
We're thinking of getting
a business together as party planners.
Yeah. We’re going to take the N from Nate
and the eight from Eight.
And we’re going to call it...
Nate.
The parties off.
-What?
-Yes, it’s off.
Listen, I...
I appreciate everything you’ve done,
boys, yeah.
But Cal’s not ready for
a party like that right now, man.
It’s not good for him.
Sorry.
-Got other news, though.
-What?
You two get to organise and execute
a new party for tomorrow.
No immoral get-togethers.
-Just make sure that it bangs.
-Yes!
-No.
-Oh, is that a problem, Nathaniel?
It’s just that Frozen Planet’s
on BBC2 again,
and I’m not missing that for anything.
Well, just watch it on catch up.
It’s not the same thing.
I’m pretty sure it’s exactly
the same thing.
[Eight] I don’t think it is,
because if you watch it afterwards,
what if the planet defrosted then?
Eight, you bake the cake because
you make banging cake. Nate...
You take care of the ambience,
you’re good with that, go on.
-Fine.
-Ambient.
Just as long as you sort out the thing.
[Mobeen] I will. I promise
I will sort out the thing, yeah.
I’m sick of this. What’s the thing?
The thing is that Mobeen
still ain't Aqsa’s legal guardian,
and he still ain't told her yet.
What?
Mobeen!
Oh, shit. Hey, hey...
Let, let me, let me talk to you
about this situation.
[laughing] She locked him out of his cave.
-[laughing]
-[speaks Hindi]
Can you two just go
and organise the party, please?
Hey. Hello, Aqsa.
Hello, my baby, it’s me.
[upbeat music playing]
Yeah, well, I don’t know.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, listen, can I stay
at yours again tonight?
Yeah, I know. She still won’t let me in.
Thank you, bro.
Anyway, listen, I think I’m in
the wrong place 'cause it says I’m here.
[music playing on radio]
-Mobeen.
-Hi.
Good afternoon, Aunty.
Lovely, looks lovely.
I told you to throw a party for a guy
that’s just come out of prison,
not celebrate the Queen’s
bloody coronation.
And where did you get this hay from?
I feel like I’m in a Waitrose advert.
I quite like it. It’s got like a vibe.
[chuckles]
[laughs sarcastically] Got a vibe.
It’s got a vibe all right.
A vibe where old white people might come
out and play bowls any minute now.
Listen, Cal is not in a good place
and he’s going to flip out
when he sees this.
-Serious?
-He’s going to kill us.
Oh-ho, he’s going to kill you two.
I told you we shouldn’t have done this.
No, you didn't.
I was supposed to.
What we gonna do?
Have they got a graveyard here?
Let's go pick out
a couple of plots, boys.
I'm serious, Mobes.
Well, you better just hope
he’s in a good mood,
or he’ll stop by B&Q to pick up an axe
on his way here.
You all right, lads?
-You all right, Cal.
-Yeah.
Uh, so, listen, bro, yeah.
Long story cut short. Prism is off, uh...
This is your new party.
This is my party?
This is your party, blood.
This is my party?
I love it.
-[sighs]
-What?
Is that real hay?
-[Nate sighs]
-Yes!
-I told you.
-I told you he’d like it.
Bro, I made you, I made you a cake.
Thank you.
Oh!
That is cracking, mate.
That’s really nice.
Right, seriously.
-Obviously.
-Thank you.
It’s better than bashing retina’s, innit?
I love it.
IBS.
So this is the legit life, eh, lads?
This is the legit life, bro.
No more girls and penthouses
and jewellery.
-Eh?
-Hm?
-You all right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s better.
-A better life.
-Yes. Sure?
Yeah.
Right.
Listen, man. I want you to know
you’ve got friends out here.
You’ve got family as well, eh?
I know prison was tough, bro. I know.
I did it all right, blood.
But I realise my priority
is to provide for my little girl
and my mum, you know.
That's sweet.
Good ain't he. I told you.
-[Nate] Sweet.
-[loud music playing]
-[car screeches]
-[Nate] Who invited him to the party?
[music stops] [door opens]
What’s he doing here, bro?
Oh, I can’t stand litter bugs.
-He’s on his own, bro.
-Huh?
He’s on his own, all right.
What is this, bro?
Antiques Roadshow?
Where did you get the hay from?
[stammers] I made a cake.
Do you want some?
Yeah. I love some, Eight.
[laughs]
Are you still a waste man, bro?
You’ve been wearing that apron
since school, man.
You’re still the same little weirdo
you was back then.
What's your problem, blood?
No, no, no. You better step back,
you know, Mobeen.
[Mobeen] You know what, Cal,
tell him you’re going straight
and this mug can do one now.
No, no, no. Cal, you tell this waste man
that you come with me, bro.
Go jump in the car.
[gun cocking]
-Cal, what you doing?
-[Mobeen] No, no, Cal?
What are you doing, Cal?
-I’m taking your food, Azaar.
-Come on, Cal, man.
You should never have come
to the Antiques Roadshow alone, blood.
All right, take it.
What did you do that for?
Mobeen, I got it.
Why you pointing it at me?
Not this way. That way.
Mug. Telling them random girls
you’ve got 30k worth of coke in your car.
Oh, it’s my car now, blood.
You two set me up, man.
Nah, Mobeen had nothing to do with this.
You win some, you lose some, Azaar.
Cal?
Sorry, Mobeen.
We can’t all be like you.
You just don’t escape this life, brother.
Don’t do this, man.
-You can’t--
-[sirens approaching]
Cal, you’re a dead man, bro.
-Cal?
-And you, bro!
Azaar, I didn’t have nothing
to do with that.
-You’re a liar.
-[Eight] Mobeen...
-[groans]
-Mobeen, shall I shoot him?
We don’t kill people over cake.
Give me the strap.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Get out.
I need to dump the gun.
[Eight] Run!
Oh, shit.
-Mobeen?
-Yeah?
I’ve dropped my keys in here.
Do you think he’s going to be grumpy
when he wakes up?
He’s not going to be happy, is he?
[speaks Hindi]
Budge, budge, budge.
[sirens approaching]
[rock music playing]
-[Aks] Quiet, Mobeen.
-[Mobeen] I ain't going to be quiet.
[Aks] You don’t know what you’re on about.
[Mobeen] I ain't going to be quiet.
You need to listen to me, young lady.
-Just stay out of it.
-Recognise what I’m saying, yeah.
-Stay out of it.
-Listen to me.
Look at me.
Contouring with a simple Dior palette
brings about outstanding results
in the cheekbone area.
I don’t even want to hear
no more about it.
Whatever. I prefer Rihanna make up, so...
That’s 'cause you’re obsessed
with celebrity, that’s why.
Get a grip on your life, yeah.
I should never have shown you
those YouTube tutorials.
Yeah, well you did.
I subscribed to them all
and now we're here, so there you go.
Yo.
What are you doing, you mup?
What you fucking call me?
Mobeen, let’s just go.
That’s it. Walk away.
I’m going to tell my mum about you.
Mobeena.
Cal!
[both screaming]
Oh, my God, bro!
-[chuckles]
-Bro, you were due for release next year.
Oi, hold on a minute.
Have you escaped?
I can’t be getting arrested right now.
What?
We got bakery class.
-Bakery class?
-Yeah.
Don’t act like you’ve never banged out
a bit of short crust when you’re
in prison, you know what I mean?
You’re right.
It’s actually quite therapeutic
actually that.
Oh, mate.
I can’t believe you’re here, bro.
Come here.
Oh, mate.
-Yeah.
-[sighs]
Little Aqsa.
How big you are now, eh.
You know, last time I seen you
I was showing you which colours
to mix together to make other colours.
-Do you remember that?
-Did that.
I’m just grateful you didn’t teach me
how to mix talcum powder with cocaine.
[laughs]
Oh, sharp as hell.
She ended up just like you, Mobeen.
Uh.
[breathing heavily] Listen, my brother.
We’ve got so much to catch up on,
you know, yeah?
But it stinks of piss around here,
so let’s do it later, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Yeah?
Course, course mate.
I’ll say this for now.
I’m ready to be like you.
You want to be like him?
I’d rather stay in prison.
-Oi.
-No.
But you need to show me how.
I need your help blood. You’re out here
living your best life on your deal
and that, brother, I see you.
Ah, I don’t know about
all that best life stuff.
Listen, I know...
everyone thought I’d live and die
by this life, I know that.
Okay.
But after nine years in that hell-hole...
I ain't going back, you get me?
Nah, nah. You’re not,
you're not, bro. You’re not.
-Ah!
-Mate.
[chuckles]
I’ve never seen two men
cuddle each other so much.
That’s it.
Oh, mate.
-Okay.
-[Aks] Mobeen.
-Okay.
-Let’s go.
-Uh-huh.
-[indistinct]
Yeah. Okay, I got you.
I’ve got to go, yeah.
-I’ve got to go, okay?
-Yeah. All right.
-Yeah?
-Yeah. Nice.
[Mobeen] Come on, let's go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have fun with the Filo, bro. Yeah?
-Thank you, my brother.
-Yeah.
I’ll see you soon.
-Soon.
-All right.
Really making up for nine years
on missed cuddles.
Oi. You’re not allowed cuddles in prison.
People take it the wrong way.
-He’s a weirdo.
-He’s harmless.
Why you want to hang around
with him, anyway?
Because he used to be
one of my best mates.
Imagine if I didn’t have anyone
when I came out of prison.
And anyway, it’s not like
we’re going to see him every day, is it?
-Brother.
-Oh!
Hey, back again, bro, yeah.
I remember you was the guy back in the day
to throw the maddest parties.
It probably wasn’t me, though.
-Probably wasn’t me.
-No, no, we had the weed,
we had the honeys. Remember those
two sisters, remember, who we did?
Outstandingly well.
You know, educational endeavours, yeah?
-Can you shush, man?
-You need to throw me a party.
Listen, I’m not really about
that life no more.
Yeah, link up, up prism, yeah.
That old spot from back in the day.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It better be good, though.
No, forget that, it better be perfect.
Okay, mate.
All right, Bashar al-Assad.
Someone’s acting very dictatory today.
Listen, mate. It’ll bang,
don’t worry, yeah?
And, Aqsa, do your other big brother
a favour, yeah?
Next time you see Paige, you tell her...
You tell her I’m going to see her soon.
I just need to get some money in.
No offence, but are you allowed
to see her?
Don’t worry about that.
Don’t worry about the social workers
or her mum or anything like that,
cause none of those arseholes
going to stop me seeing my daughter.
None of them.
Yo, woah, woah, woah, woah.
I’m sorry, kid.
Brother. Mobes, I’m sorry.
Sometimes I end up just...
You know.
Yeah, I know.
Listen, listen, I understand.
We’ll be all right.
We’ve got to get going now but...
We’ll see you later on, yeah.
Okay, yeah?
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Hey.
-[sighs]
-It’s a lot of hugs mate.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
[Aks] Okay.
That was nice.
-Sound hey.
-Sound, yeah, yeah, safe, safe.
Likes holding them, doesn’t he?
-Please.
-[Nate] No.
-Please, Nate.
-[Nate] No.
-Please.
-[Nate] No.
-Please.
-No.
-Yes.
-What?
No. No.
Why can’t you organise
this heaving get together, anyways?
Because I’m still trying to sort out
the thing?
You still haven’t sorted out the thing?
No, but I’m finalising it.
It’s in process. It’s all right.
When am I going to find out
about the thing?
Look. Listen, boys.
Cal is a good guy, you know.
He wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Didn’t he stab a guy in the eyes
with knitting needles?
Yeah.
But he didn’t go blind, so...
Ah, yeah. Well that’s fine then, isn’t it?
Look, he’s bad news.
You know it, I know it, even he knows it.
Yeah, I do. And I never know anything.
And if the party ain't perfect,
we’re all dead.
[chuckles] Don’t be silly.
We’re not all dead.
You two are dead, I’ll be fine.
Look, this ain't time for jokes,
Mobeen Dein.
You could have easily been with Cal the
day he smacked an axe on that guys head.
Yeah, well I wasn’t and I didn’t,
so it’s all hypothetical, innit?
You’re pathetical.
He’s going to drag you back in.
Listen, boys. Can you...
Can you just do it for me?
For me? Please.
Okay, Gandhi.
Thank you.
But look, if we do this
you better tell Aks about the thing.
I promise you I will tell Aks
about the thing.
[whispering] I will. Thank you.
-Eight.
-What?
You can’t wear a Mosque hat in the club.
That is proper harram, that is.
But what about the one with the mirrors
and the jewels on it?
Just save that for when you go on
Britain’s Got Talent, yeah?
When I win Britain’s Got Talent.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
[tires screeching]
[Cal] They were going to chop
one of them off.
So I said you could save
either your leg or his dick.
-Which one did he choose?
-His leg.
-What a dick.
-Yeah.
Oh, fuck sake.
Oh, look at the colour coordination
on these boys, innit.
Back streets back, all right.
All right, Azaar,
when’s the new single out?
-You all right, Cal?
-Yeah, you all right?
All right.
Can I ask you a question?
Are you boys currently competing
in the Formula 1 event at the moment?
What you on about, Mobeen?
I only ask cause you pulled up
like it's a Formula 1 pit stop, bro.
Oh, sorry, my man.
Listen, be careful, there’s kids
playing around here.
You’ve got to respect
the green cross code.
Do you remember what
the green cross code is, yeah?
Oh, man's on his period.
Cal, do us a favour, let’s go.
Nah, I’m not about that any more, bro.
I’m trying to do things differently.
Do right by my little girl, dude.
Is that what you call Mobeen these days?
[laughs sarcastically]
-It’s a good one though, innit?
-It's fast.
Listen, these geezers a mong, Cal.
Let’s go, man.
Nah, man, really. With all due respect,
Azaar, I’m out man.
With all due respect, Cal,
some people change, but you’re not one
of those people, do you understand?
I think you’ll find he can lead any
fucking life he chooses to.
Is that understood?
There he is, the old Mobeen.
Woah, woah. All right, lads. Come on.
It’s all right, Cal.
He knows where I’m going.
He knows whose area this is.
Same area that you give up.
Same area that you need to
behave yourself in, mate.
Cal, I’ll see you at your party.
You bring the Hobnob’s
and I’ll bring the bitches.
Come on.
You all right?
I’m calm.
-[Mobeen] Yeah?
-[Cal] Yeah.
[engine starts]
What’s wrong with you?
Look, if the party ain't perfect,
we’re in trouble.
What’s the worst that can happen?
Cal bites our retina’s out
and shoves them up our bottoms.
[inhales] Ow.
What’s a retina?
[sighs] Still no word from the club?
No.
You sure you left your number?
Yeah.
Your number. Not the number eight.
I'm just gonna make a phone call.
[sighs]
[upbeat music playing]
It's mad, innit?
Being out in a world
after so long in there.
[Mobeen] Whee! [laughs]
Mobes, please.
Sorry, sorry.
Stopping any time now, yeah.
Oops. Really tickles your willy now.
Oh, listen. Hey.
Take your time. Adjust, yeah.
As soon as you’ve settled in
you can fix your relationship
with your little girl, bro.
She doesn’t want to know me, blood.
Oh, you have to keep trying, man.
You have to keep trying.
You know your little girl should be
the most important person in your life.
You don’t need me to tell you that.
Look at you sitting here acting like
the perfect parent and that.
Bro, I ain't no perfect parent,
but listen to me, if you think
road is tough out here... [chuckles]
Wait until you’ve got to apologise
to a bunch of 15-year-old girls
who are Instagram living you,
'cause you forgot to pack
their bloody gluten free breads, innit.
No, I ain't doing that.
Then you have much to learn
about the dark side, Cal.
Trust me, man, they’re magical.
Brother, I was thinking of getting
Paige something, little gift and that.
Ah, yeah, real. That’s nice, yeah.
Do you reckon, um...
Could square me on some cash?
Of course. Of course, my brother.
How much do you need?
-Five grand.
-Five grand?
-Five grand now?
-[scoffs]
What you doing, putting a deposit down
on a mortgage, bro?
No, I ain't got no five grand for you.
Bruv, listen. Living this legit life’s
about living on a budget man.
Should never have asked.
Nah, it’s all right. It’s all right.
I tell you what. See if you can go all the
way around, like, when we were kids, yeah.
You do a 360 and I’ll give you 10 grand.
Go on.
-Go.
-Boom. Let’s do this.
I think I’ve got inertia, man.
I don’t feel very well.
-[Cal laughs]
-Please stop, brother. Please stop.
Hello, is that prison?
It’s one of them voice mails.
Hello, prison.
Prism. The name of the club is Prism.
Oh.
I did think that was a shit name
for a nightclub.
-Prison.
-Oh, my days.
Imagine saying you’ll meet
people there. [laughs]
-I’ll see you in prison.
-[both laugh]
I had a great time in prison last night.
[both laugh]
Cal. Cal,
do you wanna go back to prison?
[laughs]
Are you still on the phone?
Oh, yeah. Um, sorry.
I'll ring you back, nightclub.
[laughs]
Nate. Do you want to dance with me
in jail?
-[laughs]
-That’s not the joke.
-No.
-Oh, yeah.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
[Lydia] Are you Mobe? Do you think
you could come round to mine?
Yeah, sure. You okay?
[Lydia] I just really need
to speak to you again.
Ah, it's not a problem.
I'll be there.
[Lydia] Do you still like
chicken nuggets and a burger?
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
[both laughing]
[Nate] I wonder what we’re going to wear
in prison.
[both laughing]
Nate, did you see how long the queue was
for prison?
[Nate] I wonder if there are really
nice girls in prison.
[both laughing hysterically]
[Eight] I wonder, I wonder if I’ll need ID
to get into prison.
-[Eight] Oh!
-We haven’t done anything yet.
[Eight] For what?
[Nate] The party.
[Eight] Party?
[gasps] Retinas.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
Hello, Aunty Lydia.
Look at you, Mobeen.
Hey, you haven’t aged a day.
Thank you.
Well, you do look
a little bit older actually.
And heavier. Definitely heavier.
You didn’t tell Cal
that I asked to see you, did you?
No, no, no. Of course not.
Of course not. No, no.
Come in then.
If you can fit through the door.
[whispers] Cutting down
on carbs and everything.
[chuckling] What is going on
with this get-up?
What’s going on with what?
This, this Taliban Tarik look
you’ve got going on.
Excuse me, this is a vibe.
That’s all you need to know, yeah.
Okay. [chuckles]
-And do we know any?
-Sorry?
Taliban. Do we know any Taliban?
Yeah. I know them all.
We go Magaluf every year,
smashing out moves
with mullet Omar and them lot.
Well, I don’t know
what your online activity is.
I haven’t seen you for a little while.
I’m so sorry, you know.
I should have come to see you earlier.
My doors always open.
You’re like a second son.
You’re always going to be
my little Mobeen.
[chuckles]
[Shady] There’s a massive shit
in the toilet.
Uncle Shady?
Hello, bastard.
-Hm.
-Toilet’s blocked.
Shady’s always been very neighbourly
when it comes to stuff like that,
haven’t you?
It’s a pleasure to remove
the enormous shit for you, Lydia.
Aww. Bless you, sweet heart.
You’re a gentleman.
He ain't no gentlemen.
You need to get him out of your house.
I need to talk about Cal.
I’m worried, genuinely.
-What is it?
-[knock on door]
Just let me get rid of whoever that is.
[humming]
I know exactly what you’re trying to do
up in here, Uncle Shady.
What do you mean, bastard?
You know what I mean, yeah.
That massive lump of [speaks Hindi]
is the closest you're going to get to her.
That’s close enough for me.
That’s disgusting.
[door closes]
Aunt Lyd’s, what’s he doing in your house?
He just does all the odd jobs.
He always has done.
[Shady] Have you been eating
lasagne again, Lydia?
Got yourself a little brown man slave,
yeah?
Hey, don’t be cheeky.
He gets Thursdays off.
[laughs]
Mobeen, I’m genuinely worried about Cal.
I think he’s really struggling.
Yeah, well he would do.
He’s been in the slammer for nine years.
It takes a bit of adjustment, don’t it?
Yeah, but I think he’s at the start
of a really long journey
and he’s got zero aftercare.
I think his head is messed up
after that place.
Listen, we’re family.
I’ve got his back, you know that.
Yeah, well if you’ve got his back,
then you’ve got to cancel this party.
I can’t have him seeing them old faces.
Drugs and alcohol is...
He’s not strong, Mobeen.
Yeah, you’re right. You’re right, just...
Leave it with me, Aunt Lydia,
I’ll sort it out, yeah?
-Yeah?
-Yeah, I promise.
[Shady] It’s out. It’s big one, Lydia.
Really big.
He’s playing with your shit in there.
He means no harm.
[Shady] Big turd. Big, big turd.
He’s lonely.
Oh, come on.
[hip-hop instrumental music playing]
We’ve arranged your immoral get-together.
We’ve got DJ’s, food, girls.
-Okay, but listen--
-Ice sculpture spells the word cat.
-Cal.
-Cal.
-Really interesting but--
-[Nate] The theme is freedom.
With a less strict roped off area
of eight feet by ten feet.
-We’ve done a banging job.
-Okay, but listen, listen.
We're thinking of getting
a business together as party planners.
Yeah. We’re going to take the N from Nate
and the eight from Eight.
And we’re going to call it...
Nate.
The parties off.
-What?
-Yes, it’s off.
Listen, I...
I appreciate everything you’ve done,
boys, yeah.
But Cal’s not ready for
a party like that right now, man.
It’s not good for him.
Sorry.
-Got other news, though.
-What?
You two get to organise and execute
a new party for tomorrow.
No immoral get-togethers.
-Just make sure that it bangs.
-Yes!
-No.
-Oh, is that a problem, Nathaniel?
It’s just that Frozen Planet’s
on BBC2 again,
and I’m not missing that for anything.
Well, just watch it on catch up.
It’s not the same thing.
I’m pretty sure it’s exactly
the same thing.
[Eight] I don’t think it is,
because if you watch it afterwards,
what if the planet defrosted then?
Eight, you bake the cake because
you make banging cake. Nate...
You take care of the ambience,
you’re good with that, go on.
-Fine.
-Ambient.
Just as long as you sort out the thing.
[Mobeen] I will. I promise
I will sort out the thing, yeah.
I’m sick of this. What’s the thing?
The thing is that Mobeen
still ain't Aqsa’s legal guardian,
and he still ain't told her yet.
What?
Mobeen!
Oh, shit. Hey, hey...
Let, let me, let me talk to you
about this situation.
[laughing] She locked him out of his cave.
-[laughing]
-[speaks Hindi]
Can you two just go
and organise the party, please?
Hey. Hello, Aqsa.
Hello, my baby, it’s me.
[upbeat music playing]
Yeah, well, I don’t know.
Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, listen, can I stay
at yours again tonight?
Yeah, I know. She still won’t let me in.
Thank you, bro.
Anyway, listen, I think I’m in
the wrong place 'cause it says I’m here.
[music playing on radio]
-Mobeen.
-Hi.
Good afternoon, Aunty.
Lovely, looks lovely.
I told you to throw a party for a guy
that’s just come out of prison,
not celebrate the Queen’s
bloody coronation.
And where did you get this hay from?
I feel like I’m in a Waitrose advert.
I quite like it. It’s got like a vibe.
[chuckles]
[laughs sarcastically] Got a vibe.
It’s got a vibe all right.
A vibe where old white people might come
out and play bowls any minute now.
Listen, Cal is not in a good place
and he’s going to flip out
when he sees this.
-Serious?
-He’s going to kill us.
Oh-ho, he’s going to kill you two.
I told you we shouldn’t have done this.
No, you didn't.
I was supposed to.
What we gonna do?
Have they got a graveyard here?
Let's go pick out
a couple of plots, boys.
I'm serious, Mobes.
Well, you better just hope
he’s in a good mood,
or he’ll stop by B&Q to pick up an axe
on his way here.
You all right, lads?
-You all right, Cal.
-Yeah.
Uh, so, listen, bro, yeah.
Long story cut short. Prism is off, uh...
This is your new party.
This is my party?
This is your party, blood.
This is my party?
I love it.
-[sighs]
-What?
Is that real hay?
-[Nate sighs]
-Yes!
-I told you.
-I told you he’d like it.
Bro, I made you, I made you a cake.
Thank you.
Oh!
That is cracking, mate.
That’s really nice.
Right, seriously.
-Obviously.
-Thank you.
It’s better than bashing retina’s, innit?
I love it.
IBS.
So this is the legit life, eh, lads?
This is the legit life, bro.
No more girls and penthouses
and jewellery.
-Eh?
-Hm?
-You all right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. It’s better.
-A better life.
-Yes. Sure?
Yeah.
Right.
Listen, man. I want you to know
you’ve got friends out here.
You’ve got family as well, eh?
I know prison was tough, bro. I know.
I did it all right, blood.
But I realise my priority
is to provide for my little girl
and my mum, you know.
That's sweet.
Good ain't he. I told you.
-[Nate] Sweet.
-[loud music playing]
-[car screeches]
-[Nate] Who invited him to the party?
[music stops] [door opens]
What’s he doing here, bro?
Oh, I can’t stand litter bugs.
-He’s on his own, bro.
-Huh?
He’s on his own, all right.
What is this, bro?
Antiques Roadshow?
Where did you get the hay from?
[stammers] I made a cake.
Do you want some?
Yeah. I love some, Eight.
[laughs]
Are you still a waste man, bro?
You’ve been wearing that apron
since school, man.
You’re still the same little weirdo
you was back then.
What's your problem, blood?
No, no, no. You better step back,
you know, Mobeen.
[Mobeen] You know what, Cal,
tell him you’re going straight
and this mug can do one now.
No, no, no. Cal, you tell this waste man
that you come with me, bro.
Go jump in the car.
[gun cocking]
-Cal, what you doing?
-[Mobeen] No, no, Cal?
What are you doing, Cal?
-I’m taking your food, Azaar.
-Come on, Cal, man.
You should never have come
to the Antiques Roadshow alone, blood.
All right, take it.
What did you do that for?
Mobeen, I got it.
Why you pointing it at me?
Not this way. That way.
Mug. Telling them random girls
you’ve got 30k worth of coke in your car.
Oh, it’s my car now, blood.
You two set me up, man.
Nah, Mobeen had nothing to do with this.
You win some, you lose some, Azaar.
Cal?
Sorry, Mobeen.
We can’t all be like you.
You just don’t escape this life, brother.
Don’t do this, man.
-You can’t--
-[sirens approaching]
Cal, you’re a dead man, bro.
-Cal?
-And you, bro!
Azaar, I didn’t have nothing
to do with that.
-You’re a liar.
-[Eight] Mobeen...
-[groans]
-Mobeen, shall I shoot him?
We don’t kill people over cake.
Give me the strap.
Go, go, go, go, go!
Get out.
I need to dump the gun.
[Eight] Run!
Oh, shit.
-Mobeen?
-Yeah?
I’ve dropped my keys in here.
Do you think he’s going to be grumpy
when he wakes up?
He’s not going to be happy, is he?
[speaks Hindi]
Budge, budge, budge.
[sirens approaching]
[rock music playing]