Man Like Mobeen (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - Wrestling with the NHS - full transcript
[dramatic opera music playing]
-[music fading]
-Oi! Somebody help us.
Somebody save my baby girl!
[man] Doctor!
[phone ringing faintly]
[man on PA] Patient 293, please.
[chuckles] Oh, shame.
Ow.
The NHS is rubbish.
Yeah. Don't say that, yeah.
It's not the NHS's fault they've been
stripped of their funding and...
It's all these time wasters anyway.
Look at them.
You can't be that judgemental.
Verrucas, mate, yeah?
Mr sniffles over here.
And what's wrong with you, big man?
Ah! Oh, shit.
-Ugh.
-[Mobeen] You need to be here.
You'll be all right, won't you, bro, eh?
[man screaming]
[blows] Does it go there, yeah?
[man screaming]
Oh!
[chuckles nervously]
That was wicked.
Finally. Right, so here's the deal.
This girl is...
Look. Sorry, I'm a bit busy at the moment.
It's okay. It's okay.
They're busy, mate.
They work really hard this lot.
You all right, beta?
[Aks] No. Not really.
He's on eBay.
Huh?
He's on fucking eBay.
Craig, is it?
We really hope
you're the winning bidder on...
that signed plastic cast
of Daniel Radcliffe's penis, yeah?
But the thing is,
my sister's got some broken bones,
so could you check us in?
[yelling] Before I break some of yours,
Craig?
We have a zero tolerance policy
on threats of violence towards NHS staff.
Is that right? Is that right?
Well, you ain't really NHS staff,
are you, Craig? Huh?
You're the freelance.
Earning twice as much money
as the people who do
the real work in here.
[Nate] Fraud.
Yeah, and I want my panda
from this trolley as well.
What? It's not his job.
-No, but I want it back.
-All right. All right.
Look, I'll help you, okay?
It's just what you said just then...
well that... that really hurt my feelings.
Sorry.
Please take a ticket,
wait for your number to be called,
and good luck finding a seat.
[Craig] I've missed it, now!
These places make me nervous.
You? I've just spent half an hour
being pushed down the bus lane
in a shopping trolley.
-So ungrateful.
-Oi.
They're full of germs and sick people.
I wish you were never born.
I wish you were dead.
It'll be fine as long as I stay clean.
It'll be fine.
And so does Mobeen as well.
Shut up, please.
[speaking foreign language]
Yo, we were better off in Kids A&E.
Well, that kid's fine.
You unplugged his respirator.
Yeah, to charge my phone.
Shut up!
Just a reminder. I've got broken bones
and I'm in a shopping trolley.
We were having a wicked time until
Miss Injury-Fake-Ardinian made
us come to the hospital for nothing.
[speaking foreign language]
Not now. Relax.
Hey, hey, family.
Everything's going to be okay, all right?
Just watch something on your phone.
[Mobeen] How you feeling, baby girl?
You okay?
It hurts, but I'll survive.
-You're so brave.
-Ouch!
Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
I told you he wishes you were dead.
-[muttering]
-No, no, no. Just...
Just leave it. Leave him, okay?
[chuckles]
The rock bottom's about economics.
No, that's just a wrestling move.
Shut up, you jabronies.
Yeah, you tell them, Mr Tumble.
[chuckling]
[woman] Aqsadine?
Mobeen.
I've learned how to say good bye
in sign language now.
What?
-Where you going?
-With you.
No, you ain't. The nurse will assess me.
Yeah, I know. That's why I'm coming
to make sure you're okay.
I don't need you there.
Why?
-Because...
-Hmm?
...I'll have to take my shirt off.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, you go from here.
Make sure you close the curtains though,
baby girl,
'cause A&E's full of perverts and weirdos.
Yeah, you heard me, Craig.
[sighs]
-Mobe's.
-Uh-huh.
-I've been thinking.
-Hmm.
What we going to say
when they ask how she got injured?
We're just going to tell the truth.
We got nothing to hide.
Yeah, we were wrestling with her
in the garden.
Yeah, just three grown men wrestling.
Yeah.
With a 15-year-old girl.
Yeah.
We're going straight to prison.
You're going to have some different things
on your hands in prison.
You understand?
I'm telling you right now,
we can not tell the truth.
Look, stop panicking.
The only reason why you're panicking
is 'cause of the way
the media's conditioned everyone to think
about young girls
and all ethnic minority men.
Come on, man.
Facts, we're just going to hit them
with the facts. Yeah?
We were wrestling with my little sister
like we always do.
With my shorts on.
Okay. She'd climbed on the wheelie bin,
jumped off, bust up the shoulder there,
and we brought her into A&E
because her parents ran away
to Pakistan without notifying anyone.
You might as well say
she got injured training for the Taliban.
Come on. You're just overreacting, mate.
Come on, man.
Listen, Mobe's.
If they think this is a boogie situation,
they're going to start snooping around.
Well, let them snoop.
We ain't got nothing to hide, bro.
Yeah, except you used to be a drug dealer.
[both] Shh.
Mobeen is an upstanding Christian--
Muslim and a responsible legal guardian.
Yeah, that's me, the... huh?
Legal guardian?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm her legal guardian.
-Hey, put your headphones in.
-Huh?
Put your headphones in.
-[whispers] Mobe's.
-Yeah?
Mobeen.
Okay, no. No, I'm not technically
her legal guardian.
-What?
-Bro, listen. Listen, listen.
Those fees are so expensive!
[sighs] And what does
Aks think about that?
-Yeah, she doesn't know yet, so...
-Oh!
Hey.
Come on, don't be angry.
[Nate] I'm not angry.
Okay. Good.
Just disappointed.
Look, come on. Don't be disappointed
with me. Please don't be in a mood.
Oh, you'll know when I'm in a mood
with you, Mobeen. You'll know.
They could take her away, you know?
-[Eight] Go on.
-I'm gonna Khabib this thing
Yeah, yeah.
-[thuds]
-[groans]
-It came out!
-It came out!
[Eight exclaiming in Urdu]
-That's for you, beta.
-Thanks.
-[Nate] Can you get me a Starburst?
-[Eight] Get in there.
Shall I? Shall I Khabib it?
Yeah Khabib it, go on.
-[thuds]
-[Eight] Ah!
-Yeah! It came out!
-[all exclaiming]
Which one is it? What came out?
Uh, I don't know if it came.
I should've...
Pakistan the shit out of this machine.
Come on. [grunting]
[Nate] Mobes.
[Mobeen panting]
Oh, my man.
That's a very descriptive tattoo.
It's not a tattoo, is it?
It's permanent marker.
Cause you wanted to save money
on a tattoo,
but still have the ability to go swimming
with the words "dick tickler" written
across your forehead, yeah?
It's not your job title, is it?
Are there any vacancies?
[stammers] No, it's just the lads having
a bit of a laugh for just...
It won't come off and I start
my new job on Monday morning.
Doing what?
Uh, supply teacher, so...
Yeah.
Then you also finish your new job
on Monday, don't you?
-Yeah.
-Is it just your own?
Or do you have to tickle
other peoples' as well?
What? I don't know what you...
Baby girl. What took you so long?
They need to X-ray it,
but it'll take ages and there's no beds.
But you're okay though, aren't you?
Well, this doctor lady came in
and started asking me some
weird questions about you lot.
What do you mean?
I can't go to prison.
My face is too kind.
What did she say?
Yeah, what... what did she say?
Loads of stuff at first, but...
I think that she thinks
one of you lot did this to me on purpose.
[exclaims in Urdu]
I'd make a terrible boyfriend in prison.
No, you wouldn't. Don't say that.
Anyway. Did you tell her the truth?
That I was wrestling my brother
and his two mates?
That you lost at wrestling.
At least tell it properly.
Wrestling with grown men
sounds mad creepy out loud.
Yeah, it does sound
a bit creepy, actually.
Yo. Please.
So, what did you say?
I stuttered at first,
but then I came up with this sick alibi.
Yeah, you did, baby girl.
What did you say?
What did you tell them?
Gentlemen. Can I have a word
with you all, please?
-Oh, shit.
-Ah, I'm not with them.
I was just using the vending machine.
Shit.
What are you worried about?
I don't know.
So, how did Aqsadine sustain her injuries?
What did she tell you?
If you tell me what she said,
I'll tell you what I said.
Right.
Let's not worry about my version.
What my sister's version is?
Well, I think she's making it up.
Would you believe me
if I said we were wrestling?
[chuckles nervously]
Did I tell you about the tiger?
A tiger.
What did she say happened?
...and it jumped through the air
like a mad tiger bastard.
What?
[sighs] You can check my record.
I've never been involved
in anything illegal, I swear.
Mr Obidi, I'm a doctor.
Then I was like, Mobeen, run.
Get Aqsa out of here.
Let's have this conversation...
at Dixy Chicken's. How about that?
Are you flirting with me?
No, I'm not doing that.
-Mr Dee.
-Uh-uh.
Mobeen!
[Mobeen sighs]
[yelling] A tiger?
[speaking Hindi]
Why?
Why?
Life... Life of Pi.
Ugh, you're an idiot.
You didn't do
too much better yourself, either.
You were in there making us look
guilty as shit.
What did you say?
Oh, my God.
Guys...
I'm... I'm going to lose her, innit?
That's what's going to happen here.
I'm going to lose her.
I can't do this right now.
We need some time apart.
What?
No, Mobe's.
No, no. No, we need some time apart.
-Mobe's, I can change.
-You're very strong.
We need some time apart.
Let go!
What shall we do now?
I...
I need to poo.
[sighs]
I can't believe I forgot to renew my Bupa.
I mean, this place is a fucking shambles,
buddy.
It's crazy in here.
So what you in for, fella?
Ah, banged my bonce...
[chuckles] on a barge on Simmo's stag do.
[chuckling] Luckily,
I brought my own medicine.
[speaking gibberish and laughing]
Long ass waiting times in here tonight.
To be fair, you can't blame them, can you?
They've had their funding cut,
they're under-resourced.
Erm... is it?
Is it though, buddy?
Is it under-resourcing, or is it...
[whispers] something else?
[breathing heavily]
Indeed.
Indeed, it... Is it something else...
-or is it someone else?
-Yes, exactly.
Exactly. I mean, you're not
one of them, though, are you?
I mean, you were...
you were born here right?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
I was born and raised in Birmingham.
Yeah, yeah.
I think you'll find
I'm one of the good ones.
Yes, you are. I knew you were.
Good man. Right.
-One word for you.
-Uh-huh.
Brexit.
Well...
I've got two words for you.
-Love it.
-[laughs] Fan-bloody-tastic.
Fan-bloody-tastic.
You know, I just think
the great thing is now,
we can have an open,
honest discussion
about immigration.
Absolute... absolutely.
You know what? Now, we've had it...
[whispers] let's send the bastards back.
Yes!
God, how fucking refreshing.
I mean, from someone of your...
-But, hey, look.
-Mmm-hmm.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not a racist, buddy.
Of course not.
You haven't got an issue
with trousers of colour,
why would you have an issue
with people of colour?
[laughs] Exactly. Trousers and...
Exactly. That's a good one.
I'm going to steal that,
if you don't mind.
-[chuckles]
-Breader.
[both chuckle]
Boom! [imitates explosion]
-Oh!
-[sighs]
Hey, big guy.
Are you ready to be a family again?
Of course.
Any news?
Yeah, she's had the X-ray.
She waiting for a sling now.
Hey, listen to me, I'm worried for real.
She'll be fine.
Not about her,
but these hospital staffs, man.
Them lot think we hurt her for real,
for real.
-Do you know what we need?
-Yeah, a lawyer.
No, some time apart.
Let's see how you like it.
Hey.
Only joking. Do you want a Twix?
Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah.
Me, sore head.
You, no fix.
Me wait very, very long time.
Okay, right.
[sighs] Still haven't bloody been seen.
Surprise... sur-fucking surprise.
You know, I don't know where
you'd find more foreigners,
the patients or the bloody staff.
What have you and Simmo been putting
in that flask, Rafe?
Liquid racism, yeah?
You know... Sorry, could somebody tell me
which bloody country we are in again?
Hard to tell, innit?
Hard to tell though, Rafe.
What with all the Eastern European
radiographers
and the Nigerian consultants
sorting you out.
Sorry, buddy. Am I detecting
a hint of aggression there?
Oh, bloody... I thought we were on
the same bloody page.
Same page?
Motherfucker, we're not even
in the same book.
-Sorry about the swearing, all right?
-That's okay. He's an asshole.
Oh, I see. All right, I get it.
You know, the trouble with you people,
you're all the bloody same.
You're right, Rafe.
We are the same, innit?
We're all sick of posh pricks like you
running our government and our media.
Posh? Whoever said I was posh?
Mr Forbes Plunket.
-Thank you.
-Is that you, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Is that you?
See you later,
you double-barrelled dickhead.
Don't shove your willy
in any pigs heads on the way down.
You know, I wouldn't stick my willy
in a pigs head,
'cause I'd use its vagina,
like a gentleman.
[chuckles]
Dr Lange.
[sniffs]
She won't be too long.
How long do you think she'll take?
I don't... I don't know.
All right, just calm down, all right?
Relax.
-I'm okay. I'm okay.
-Just relax.
I'm okay. Stop man-handling today.
Mobeen. [chuckles]
Aqsa. Hey. Hey, you okay?
Yeah, they've sorted it.
Okay, let's go home. Let's go home.
I'm afraid I can't quite
release your sister just yet.
Sorry, and why is that?
There are a few more details
we need to iron out.
And what are these details, sorry?
Just about following certain procedures.
Moonbeam.
Oh, I'm going to run.
I'm going to run.
[grunting] No. No.
These procedures.
Now, I really need to poo.
It's always about pooing with you,
isn't it, Nathaniel?
Oh, shit.
Finally, about bloody time.
You're not a doctor.
-What?
-Nothing.
This man will take care of you, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I will.
And of course it's a brown one.
Thank you.
[Mobeen] What did you call him for, huh?
He should be dealing with real criminals,
not law-abiding citizens like us.
Law-abiding. Behave.
I called him because you lied.
Lied? Who... Did you lie?
Cause I ain't lying, so who's lying?
Go on.
Well, either you lied, or there's
a fucking tiger loose in Small Heath.
-Maybe there is.
-A tiger?
What is this, Life of Pi?
You are not taking her away from me.
Simple as that.
Woah, woah, woah. Who's talking about
taking people away from you?
She's talking about that, bro.
If this is domestic abuse and one of them
inflicted this injury on her,
then clearly he is not capable
of being her carer.
-Domestic abuse on his sister?
-[Dr Tanner] Yeah.
[Mobeen] Oh, come on, Harpes.
No chance.
-[exhales heavily]
-[Harper] If you'd have told me
she'd broke his collarbone with a flask,
I'd have believed you.
-She has previous.
-[Mobeen] Yeah.
-You're my guy, you know.
-Don't touch me.
Sorry about that.
[humming]
Where have you been?
Operate... Operation.
[Harper] Listen, to get to the bottom
of this, we need the truth.
How did she break her neck?
-Okay, so--
-The truth, Maybelline.
Nathaniel, speak.
Speak right now or you're going to prison.
We were playing WWE,
then she stood on a bin
and she fell off the bin,
and then we pushed her in a trolley
in the bus lane,
and it was an accident.
-[sighs]
-And...
And then I tried to tombstone her.
[speaking foreign language]
And you're just going
to take their word for it?
Yeah, he is.
Shut up.
-Harper?
-Shut up.
Aztlan, give me your phone.
He films every little thing this lot do.
I do want to film Mobeen--
And we just press play.
[Mobeen laughing]
-[Aks screams]
-[Mobeen] Oh, Aqsa...
[Eight] Did I get it?
Well...
thank you for wasting everybody's time.
Yeah, lads,
it's not just NHS time you've wasted,
it's also police time, so...
Can you piss off, dick tickler?
Right-o.
Well, there you go, Dr T, huh?
Confirmation from Mr Officer Harper--
-Don't touch me.
-Sorry about that.
Now, I am more than capable
of looking after my little sister.
-Ouch!
-Oh, sorry, baby girl.
[man groaning] Oh, God.
Ah, Officer. Officer, please help.
I came into this hospital
with a mild concussion
and a consultant has just
sown up my arsehole--
Oh, fuck.
[groaning]
-I wanted to be like Dr Lange.
-Uh-huh.
[chuckles]
I'm off. You deal
with the human centipede.
Please. I'm losing a lot of blood
from the anus.
Come with me.
Hey, Rafe. Why don't you take a seat?
I can't take a... because all the blood's
falling out of my...
-Follow me.
-It's a fucking travesty back there.
[Dr Tanner] Follow me.
[man] Like an f-ing war zone. Slow down.
Did you do that?
Did I do good?
You did wicked.
Yes! Wicked!
Such an asshole.
-[music fading]
-Oi! Somebody help us.
Somebody save my baby girl!
[man] Doctor!
[phone ringing faintly]
[man on PA] Patient 293, please.
[chuckles] Oh, shame.
Ow.
The NHS is rubbish.
Yeah. Don't say that, yeah.
It's not the NHS's fault they've been
stripped of their funding and...
It's all these time wasters anyway.
Look at them.
You can't be that judgemental.
Verrucas, mate, yeah?
Mr sniffles over here.
And what's wrong with you, big man?
Ah! Oh, shit.
-Ugh.
-[Mobeen] You need to be here.
You'll be all right, won't you, bro, eh?
[man screaming]
[blows] Does it go there, yeah?
[man screaming]
Oh!
[chuckles nervously]
That was wicked.
Finally. Right, so here's the deal.
This girl is...
Look. Sorry, I'm a bit busy at the moment.
It's okay. It's okay.
They're busy, mate.
They work really hard this lot.
You all right, beta?
[Aks] No. Not really.
He's on eBay.
Huh?
He's on fucking eBay.
Craig, is it?
We really hope
you're the winning bidder on...
that signed plastic cast
of Daniel Radcliffe's penis, yeah?
But the thing is,
my sister's got some broken bones,
so could you check us in?
[yelling] Before I break some of yours,
Craig?
We have a zero tolerance policy
on threats of violence towards NHS staff.
Is that right? Is that right?
Well, you ain't really NHS staff,
are you, Craig? Huh?
You're the freelance.
Earning twice as much money
as the people who do
the real work in here.
[Nate] Fraud.
Yeah, and I want my panda
from this trolley as well.
What? It's not his job.
-No, but I want it back.
-All right. All right.
Look, I'll help you, okay?
It's just what you said just then...
well that... that really hurt my feelings.
Sorry.
Please take a ticket,
wait for your number to be called,
and good luck finding a seat.
[Craig] I've missed it, now!
These places make me nervous.
You? I've just spent half an hour
being pushed down the bus lane
in a shopping trolley.
-So ungrateful.
-Oi.
They're full of germs and sick people.
I wish you were never born.
I wish you were dead.
It'll be fine as long as I stay clean.
It'll be fine.
And so does Mobeen as well.
Shut up, please.
[speaking foreign language]
Yo, we were better off in Kids A&E.
Well, that kid's fine.
You unplugged his respirator.
Yeah, to charge my phone.
Shut up!
Just a reminder. I've got broken bones
and I'm in a shopping trolley.
We were having a wicked time until
Miss Injury-Fake-Ardinian made
us come to the hospital for nothing.
[speaking foreign language]
Not now. Relax.
Hey, hey, family.
Everything's going to be okay, all right?
Just watch something on your phone.
[Mobeen] How you feeling, baby girl?
You okay?
It hurts, but I'll survive.
-You're so brave.
-Ouch!
Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.
I told you he wishes you were dead.
-[muttering]
-No, no, no. Just...
Just leave it. Leave him, okay?
[chuckles]
The rock bottom's about economics.
No, that's just a wrestling move.
Shut up, you jabronies.
Yeah, you tell them, Mr Tumble.
[chuckling]
[woman] Aqsadine?
Mobeen.
I've learned how to say good bye
in sign language now.
What?
-Where you going?
-With you.
No, you ain't. The nurse will assess me.
Yeah, I know. That's why I'm coming
to make sure you're okay.
I don't need you there.
Why?
-Because...
-Hmm?
...I'll have to take my shirt off.
Oh!
Oh, yeah, you go from here.
Make sure you close the curtains though,
baby girl,
'cause A&E's full of perverts and weirdos.
Yeah, you heard me, Craig.
[sighs]
-Mobe's.
-Uh-huh.
-I've been thinking.
-Hmm.
What we going to say
when they ask how she got injured?
We're just going to tell the truth.
We got nothing to hide.
Yeah, we were wrestling with her
in the garden.
Yeah, just three grown men wrestling.
Yeah.
With a 15-year-old girl.
Yeah.
We're going straight to prison.
You're going to have some different things
on your hands in prison.
You understand?
I'm telling you right now,
we can not tell the truth.
Look, stop panicking.
The only reason why you're panicking
is 'cause of the way
the media's conditioned everyone to think
about young girls
and all ethnic minority men.
Come on, man.
Facts, we're just going to hit them
with the facts. Yeah?
We were wrestling with my little sister
like we always do.
With my shorts on.
Okay. She'd climbed on the wheelie bin,
jumped off, bust up the shoulder there,
and we brought her into A&E
because her parents ran away
to Pakistan without notifying anyone.
You might as well say
she got injured training for the Taliban.
Come on. You're just overreacting, mate.
Come on, man.
Listen, Mobe's.
If they think this is a boogie situation,
they're going to start snooping around.
Well, let them snoop.
We ain't got nothing to hide, bro.
Yeah, except you used to be a drug dealer.
[both] Shh.
Mobeen is an upstanding Christian--
Muslim and a responsible legal guardian.
Yeah, that's me, the... huh?
Legal guardian?
Yeah. Yeah, I'm her legal guardian.
-Hey, put your headphones in.
-Huh?
Put your headphones in.
-[whispers] Mobe's.
-Yeah?
Mobeen.
Okay, no. No, I'm not technically
her legal guardian.
-What?
-Bro, listen. Listen, listen.
Those fees are so expensive!
[sighs] And what does
Aks think about that?
-Yeah, she doesn't know yet, so...
-Oh!
Hey.
Come on, don't be angry.
[Nate] I'm not angry.
Okay. Good.
Just disappointed.
Look, come on. Don't be disappointed
with me. Please don't be in a mood.
Oh, you'll know when I'm in a mood
with you, Mobeen. You'll know.
They could take her away, you know?
-[Eight] Go on.
-I'm gonna Khabib this thing
Yeah, yeah.
-[thuds]
-[groans]
-It came out!
-It came out!
[Eight exclaiming in Urdu]
-That's for you, beta.
-Thanks.
-[Nate] Can you get me a Starburst?
-[Eight] Get in there.
Shall I? Shall I Khabib it?
Yeah Khabib it, go on.
-[thuds]
-[Eight] Ah!
-Yeah! It came out!
-[all exclaiming]
Which one is it? What came out?
Uh, I don't know if it came.
I should've...
Pakistan the shit out of this machine.
Come on. [grunting]
[Nate] Mobes.
[Mobeen panting]
Oh, my man.
That's a very descriptive tattoo.
It's not a tattoo, is it?
It's permanent marker.
Cause you wanted to save money
on a tattoo,
but still have the ability to go swimming
with the words "dick tickler" written
across your forehead, yeah?
It's not your job title, is it?
Are there any vacancies?
[stammers] No, it's just the lads having
a bit of a laugh for just...
It won't come off and I start
my new job on Monday morning.
Doing what?
Uh, supply teacher, so...
Yeah.
Then you also finish your new job
on Monday, don't you?
-Yeah.
-Is it just your own?
Or do you have to tickle
other peoples' as well?
What? I don't know what you...
Baby girl. What took you so long?
They need to X-ray it,
but it'll take ages and there's no beds.
But you're okay though, aren't you?
Well, this doctor lady came in
and started asking me some
weird questions about you lot.
What do you mean?
I can't go to prison.
My face is too kind.
What did she say?
Yeah, what... what did she say?
Loads of stuff at first, but...
I think that she thinks
one of you lot did this to me on purpose.
[exclaims in Urdu]
I'd make a terrible boyfriend in prison.
No, you wouldn't. Don't say that.
Anyway. Did you tell her the truth?
That I was wrestling my brother
and his two mates?
That you lost at wrestling.
At least tell it properly.
Wrestling with grown men
sounds mad creepy out loud.
Yeah, it does sound
a bit creepy, actually.
Yo. Please.
So, what did you say?
I stuttered at first,
but then I came up with this sick alibi.
Yeah, you did, baby girl.
What did you say?
What did you tell them?
Gentlemen. Can I have a word
with you all, please?
-Oh, shit.
-Ah, I'm not with them.
I was just using the vending machine.
Shit.
What are you worried about?
I don't know.
So, how did Aqsadine sustain her injuries?
What did she tell you?
If you tell me what she said,
I'll tell you what I said.
Right.
Let's not worry about my version.
What my sister's version is?
Well, I think she's making it up.
Would you believe me
if I said we were wrestling?
[chuckles nervously]
Did I tell you about the tiger?
A tiger.
What did she say happened?
...and it jumped through the air
like a mad tiger bastard.
What?
[sighs] You can check my record.
I've never been involved
in anything illegal, I swear.
Mr Obidi, I'm a doctor.
Then I was like, Mobeen, run.
Get Aqsa out of here.
Let's have this conversation...
at Dixy Chicken's. How about that?
Are you flirting with me?
No, I'm not doing that.
-Mr Dee.
-Uh-uh.
Mobeen!
[Mobeen sighs]
[yelling] A tiger?
[speaking Hindi]
Why?
Why?
Life... Life of Pi.
Ugh, you're an idiot.
You didn't do
too much better yourself, either.
You were in there making us look
guilty as shit.
What did you say?
Oh, my God.
Guys...
I'm... I'm going to lose her, innit?
That's what's going to happen here.
I'm going to lose her.
I can't do this right now.
We need some time apart.
What?
No, Mobe's.
No, no. No, we need some time apart.
-Mobe's, I can change.
-You're very strong.
We need some time apart.
Let go!
What shall we do now?
I...
I need to poo.
[sighs]
I can't believe I forgot to renew my Bupa.
I mean, this place is a fucking shambles,
buddy.
It's crazy in here.
So what you in for, fella?
Ah, banged my bonce...
[chuckles] on a barge on Simmo's stag do.
[chuckling] Luckily,
I brought my own medicine.
[speaking gibberish and laughing]
Long ass waiting times in here tonight.
To be fair, you can't blame them, can you?
They've had their funding cut,
they're under-resourced.
Erm... is it?
Is it though, buddy?
Is it under-resourcing, or is it...
[whispers] something else?
[breathing heavily]
Indeed.
Indeed, it... Is it something else...
-or is it someone else?
-Yes, exactly.
Exactly. I mean, you're not
one of them, though, are you?
I mean, you were...
you were born here right?
Oh, absolutely, yeah.
I was born and raised in Birmingham.
Yeah, yeah.
I think you'll find
I'm one of the good ones.
Yes, you are. I knew you were.
Good man. Right.
-One word for you.
-Uh-huh.
Brexit.
Well...
I've got two words for you.
-Love it.
-[laughs] Fan-bloody-tastic.
Fan-bloody-tastic.
You know, I just think
the great thing is now,
we can have an open,
honest discussion
about immigration.
Absolute... absolutely.
You know what? Now, we've had it...
[whispers] let's send the bastards back.
Yes!
God, how fucking refreshing.
I mean, from someone of your...
-But, hey, look.
-Mmm-hmm.
Don't get me wrong.
I'm not a racist, buddy.
Of course not.
You haven't got an issue
with trousers of colour,
why would you have an issue
with people of colour?
[laughs] Exactly. Trousers and...
Exactly. That's a good one.
I'm going to steal that,
if you don't mind.
-[chuckles]
-Breader.
[both chuckle]
Boom! [imitates explosion]
-Oh!
-[sighs]
Hey, big guy.
Are you ready to be a family again?
Of course.
Any news?
Yeah, she's had the X-ray.
She waiting for a sling now.
Hey, listen to me, I'm worried for real.
She'll be fine.
Not about her,
but these hospital staffs, man.
Them lot think we hurt her for real,
for real.
-Do you know what we need?
-Yeah, a lawyer.
No, some time apart.
Let's see how you like it.
Hey.
Only joking. Do you want a Twix?
Oh, yeah. All right. Yeah.
Me, sore head.
You, no fix.
Me wait very, very long time.
Okay, right.
[sighs] Still haven't bloody been seen.
Surprise... sur-fucking surprise.
You know, I don't know where
you'd find more foreigners,
the patients or the bloody staff.
What have you and Simmo been putting
in that flask, Rafe?
Liquid racism, yeah?
You know... Sorry, could somebody tell me
which bloody country we are in again?
Hard to tell, innit?
Hard to tell though, Rafe.
What with all the Eastern European
radiographers
and the Nigerian consultants
sorting you out.
Sorry, buddy. Am I detecting
a hint of aggression there?
Oh, bloody... I thought we were on
the same bloody page.
Same page?
Motherfucker, we're not even
in the same book.
-Sorry about the swearing, all right?
-That's okay. He's an asshole.
Oh, I see. All right, I get it.
You know, the trouble with you people,
you're all the bloody same.
You're right, Rafe.
We are the same, innit?
We're all sick of posh pricks like you
running our government and our media.
Posh? Whoever said I was posh?
Mr Forbes Plunket.
-Thank you.
-Is that you, yeah?
-Yeah.
-Is that you?
See you later,
you double-barrelled dickhead.
Don't shove your willy
in any pigs heads on the way down.
You know, I wouldn't stick my willy
in a pigs head,
'cause I'd use its vagina,
like a gentleman.
[chuckles]
Dr Lange.
[sniffs]
She won't be too long.
How long do you think she'll take?
I don't... I don't know.
All right, just calm down, all right?
Relax.
-I'm okay. I'm okay.
-Just relax.
I'm okay. Stop man-handling today.
Mobeen. [chuckles]
Aqsa. Hey. Hey, you okay?
Yeah, they've sorted it.
Okay, let's go home. Let's go home.
I'm afraid I can't quite
release your sister just yet.
Sorry, and why is that?
There are a few more details
we need to iron out.
And what are these details, sorry?
Just about following certain procedures.
Moonbeam.
Oh, I'm going to run.
I'm going to run.
[grunting] No. No.
These procedures.
Now, I really need to poo.
It's always about pooing with you,
isn't it, Nathaniel?
Oh, shit.
Finally, about bloody time.
You're not a doctor.
-What?
-Nothing.
This man will take care of you, okay?
Yeah. Yeah, I will.
And of course it's a brown one.
Thank you.
[Mobeen] What did you call him for, huh?
He should be dealing with real criminals,
not law-abiding citizens like us.
Law-abiding. Behave.
I called him because you lied.
Lied? Who... Did you lie?
Cause I ain't lying, so who's lying?
Go on.
Well, either you lied, or there's
a fucking tiger loose in Small Heath.
-Maybe there is.
-A tiger?
What is this, Life of Pi?
You are not taking her away from me.
Simple as that.
Woah, woah, woah. Who's talking about
taking people away from you?
She's talking about that, bro.
If this is domestic abuse and one of them
inflicted this injury on her,
then clearly he is not capable
of being her carer.
-Domestic abuse on his sister?
-[Dr Tanner] Yeah.
[Mobeen] Oh, come on, Harpes.
No chance.
-[exhales heavily]
-[Harper] If you'd have told me
she'd broke his collarbone with a flask,
I'd have believed you.
-She has previous.
-[Mobeen] Yeah.
-You're my guy, you know.
-Don't touch me.
Sorry about that.
[humming]
Where have you been?
Operate... Operation.
[Harper] Listen, to get to the bottom
of this, we need the truth.
How did she break her neck?
-Okay, so--
-The truth, Maybelline.
Nathaniel, speak.
Speak right now or you're going to prison.
We were playing WWE,
then she stood on a bin
and she fell off the bin,
and then we pushed her in a trolley
in the bus lane,
and it was an accident.
-[sighs]
-And...
And then I tried to tombstone her.
[speaking foreign language]
And you're just going
to take their word for it?
Yeah, he is.
Shut up.
-Harper?
-Shut up.
Aztlan, give me your phone.
He films every little thing this lot do.
I do want to film Mobeen--
And we just press play.
[Mobeen laughing]
-[Aks screams]
-[Mobeen] Oh, Aqsa...
[Eight] Did I get it?
Well...
thank you for wasting everybody's time.
Yeah, lads,
it's not just NHS time you've wasted,
it's also police time, so...
Can you piss off, dick tickler?
Right-o.
Well, there you go, Dr T, huh?
Confirmation from Mr Officer Harper--
-Don't touch me.
-Sorry about that.
Now, I am more than capable
of looking after my little sister.
-Ouch!
-Oh, sorry, baby girl.
[man groaning] Oh, God.
Ah, Officer. Officer, please help.
I came into this hospital
with a mild concussion
and a consultant has just
sown up my arsehole--
Oh, fuck.
[groaning]
-I wanted to be like Dr Lange.
-Uh-huh.
[chuckles]
I'm off. You deal
with the human centipede.
Please. I'm losing a lot of blood
from the anus.
Come with me.
Hey, Rafe. Why don't you take a seat?
I can't take a... because all the blood's
falling out of my...
-Follow me.
-It's a fucking travesty back there.
[Dr Tanner] Follow me.
[man] Like an f-ing war zone. Slow down.
Did you do that?
Did I do good?
You did wicked.
Yes! Wicked!
Such an asshole.