Man Like Mobeen (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 1 - Prom Night - full transcript
[Reebar] First, I'm going to cut you.
Then... I'm going to burn you.
Reebar, can you stop bringing the drama
all the time, please.
Forget... forget burning my ear hair,
just finish my fade, please.
Thank you, brother.
Yes. Yes, Mobeen, yes.
You know, you and your blades...
You're worse than the kids cheffing
each other around here all the time.
These children are making
some Michelin style food now or something?
[Reebar chuckles]
Cheffing means stabbing each other, innit?
To be honest with you,
I take most of the kids
in the Small Heath,
they are lunatic weirdos anyway.
Um, excuse me, Reebar.
Not every kid in Small Heath
is a lunatic or a weirdo.
-[door opens]
-[Ridwan] Whoo!
What's happening, my peep?
Whoo! It looks dead in here.
Some of them are both.
Some are like Ridwan.
So, are you going to come on Thursday
for a little floss thing, yeah?
[Mobeen] No, she's not.
The only thing getting flossed on Thursday
is going to be you between
my teeth, little man, all right?
I wish Mobeen was my big brother.
No you don't, mate.
Get out of this bloody shit hole now.
This is going to stop.
Hey, what's happening here?
This... keeps talking
the bullshit about me on Instagram.
I don't know what
you are talking about, man.
Oh, really? Well, who posted
this picture of me with the caption,
"Come down to Emre's
if you want fungie shite infection
in your arsehole," huh?
Fungie shite...
infection in the asshole?
Why are people getting
fungie shite infections in their arseholes
at your barbers anyway?
Uh, unless, of course,
you're wet shaving people's arseholes.
No, I am bloody well not.
Well, I heard that you do.
I'm not doing this,
but people believe it's true.
Like you right now, Mobeen.
No, I don't believe it.
I don't believe it's true, no. I don't.
Look, this started because you said
you was the number one skin fader
in the whole of Small Heath.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm the best barber in Small Heath.
Fuck you, Salt Bae.
I am the number one barber
in this Small Heath.
No, I am the number one in the whole...
[Reebar] I am number one.
You come after me.
I am the number one
in the whole wide world.
"In the whole wide world."
What the hell does that mean?
I am the best skin fader.
-Fuck you!
-Fuck you!
-Get outside.
-Let's go.
-Come!
-[both yelling in foreign language]
[Emre] I am the best skin fader
in the whole...
[Reebar] I am the number one,
I am number one.
Bloody hell. Could someone
just finish my haircut, please?
[chuckles]
Don't you ever disrespect me in front
of my customers again. Do you hear me?
-Shut up.
-You shut up.
-I said first.
-You shut up.
[all yelling in foreign language]
My brothers. Hey!
You men are brothers of the same hustle.
You shouldn't be fighting like this.
Put these blades down. Okay.
Okay, Mr Mobeen. Who do you think does
the best skin fade in Small Heath, huh?
-Honestly?
-Uh-huh. [exclaims in foreign language]
Probably Abde's Blade Effects
down the road I would say.
Probably.
-Abde's?
-Abde's?
Listen, I only came here
because he's been banged up
for VAT fraud on importing
funny hair wax from Mogadishu.
You heard about that, innit?
Listen to me. Look at me, lads.
You know what the real travesty here is?
That the inmates at HMPO
are getting such high quality fades
and I'm out here stuck with you two, so...
But Abde's. Saddam Hussein's barbers
is better than Abde's.
Yeah. That's true. [spits] Shame on you.
Anyway, you post
one more picture about me...
and I'll skin fade your bloody face,
Reebar, okay?
-And I will shave your mother's pussy!
-Whoa!
Yo, slice him up nicely, Emre.
Get back in the shop, young man.
Aint nobody getting sliced out here.
[car approaching]
Everybody, shut the fuck up
and put your hands in the air.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!
-[Harper] Calm down.
Syeda, is that you?
Oh, my gosh!
You and your brother joined the feds.
Bet your mum's well proud of you,
aint she?
That's it, come here.
Her mums not really talking
to her at the minute.
Harpes, where is Saj?
You give him the day off from brown
on brown racism, yeah?
He's been suspended.
Discharged his firearm
without reasonable grounds.
Shot a man sat on double yellows.
You know, that fella sitting
on double yellows.
He wasn't brown by any chance, was he?
He was, yeah.
Knew it, knew it.
[Harper] What's going on here, boys?
They were clearly holding weapons.
Fully weaponised!
I think you'll find, Syeda,
they are simply carrying
the tools of their trade.
You're a tool of your trade.
That doesn't even make sense.
Hold your distance.
Yes, they're carrying blades
because they're barbers.
If they were bakers,
they would be carrying baguettes
and if they were excitable
brown police women,
they would be carrying a massive bag
of hate for their own people.
That's it. You're nicked.
I'm nicked? What for?
You're a dickhead, that's why.
You can't nick him for that, all right?
Just...
-Nick these two instead.
-Huh?
-You two, come here.
-[Mobeen] No, no, no.
-Against the glass.
-[Reebar] What have we done?
[Emre] Innocent man...
You know what? Fantastic bit
of community policing again, Harper.
[Harper] There's a 12-year-old
in intensive care.
He was stabbed by one
of his own classmates,
so it's zero tolerance on knives.
[Reebar groaning]
Who's going to run their shops,
they're barbers?
[Emre] We're just barbers, mate.
-[muttering]
-[groaning]
You know what, Mobeen?
You want to do something productive,
spend a little less time
worrying about your hair
and a bit more time worrying about
why the kids in this area
keep shanking each other?
Come on.
[Reebar] Don't forget to shut the shop.
[Ridwan] Ah, you the man, Mobeen.
-You've got a patch on your head.
-You've got a patch on your head!
[chuckles]
Take your big arse feet home.
Why are your feet so big?
Whoa! Little man. What are you doing?
You got all the barbers locked up, Mobeen.
Now, I can't even get a fade anymore.
My girl dumped me because of you.
I'm sorry, boys. Come here. Come here.
Come here, come, come, come, come.
I'm sorry, yeah?
But I'm pretty sure your girl dumped you
because she finally noticed your face.
-Now do one, go on.
-[laughing]
You're butters.
-You're butters.
-You're butters.
Guess what? You're butters.
Boys.
You're butters.
You all right, guys?
-What are you doing?
-Why are you washing Azaar's car?
Because he said if I do a good job,
then he'll pay me
when he comes back from holiday.
-No. Put the sponge down.
-No.
[speaking foreign language]
-[Mobeen] Put the sponge down!
-[Eight] No, no, no.
[speaking foreign language]
[Mobeen] What? What?
[Eight] All right. Hang on.
[speaking foreign language]
[Eight laughing]
[Mobeen] You better stop
cleaning that car.
So, are you going
to let Aks go to prom, or...
No, Nathaniel. She's not allowed
to go to a prom, yeah.
Remember how bukie our prom was? Huh?
All we did all night
was kiss girls, lips galore...
Lots and lots of ladies,
so many women. [chuckles]
You didn't kiss any girls, eh?
Nah.
Remember that girl I kissed?
Our 73-year-old school nurse?
Still a girl. Still a kiss.
Yeah, you needed
a wet paper towel after that, innit?
-Mobeen, turn around.
-Hmm?
What happened to your hair?
Allow me, man, I look like
a half trimmed hedge out here.
I think we should allow
Aks to go to her prom.
You know what, Nate, yeah.
Maybe we should.
Maybe we should let her smoke crack
and cycle into oncoming traffic as well.
-How about that?
-You're so dramatic.
I should have shagged that school nurse.
That is unacceptable.
[both speaking foreign language]
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
-[Mobeen] I said no.
-[Aks] Yeah.
-[Mobeen] No.
-[Aks] Yeah.
No.
-Yeah.
-Oi, yeah.
Give me one good reason why I can't go.
"One good..."
I'mma give you the reason, yeah?
Because when I went to my prom, yeah,
18 out of the 22 girls that attended
got pregnant that night.
Here we go.
Do you know what that is as a percentage?
It's a lot of percent, all right?
Can't we have a civilised discussion,
sister to brother, girl to guardian?
Sorry, girl to what?
Guardian. You're my legal guardian.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am your legal guardian.
Let's have that conversation, then. Go on.
You went to your prom.
Yeah, that was completely different, yeah?
I didn't go to a bump and grind
with a girl there, yeah.
Because you went to sell drugs.
No, I didn't go to sell drugs.
No, I didn't.
I'm nearly 16 now.
I don't need to be wrapped
in cotton wool anymore.
Oi, listen, you.
I've got a lifetime supply of cotton wool
to wrap you up in, yeah?
-Come here. Sit down.
-Hmm.
[Aks] I'm sorry.
You know, I've always appreciated
all the sacrifices you've made for me.
You've been a mum and a dad,
and a big brother, all rolled into one.
If this is about my weight,
I don't appreciate that, Aqsa.
I'm serious, Mobeen.
This is something special.
Something I want to be a part of.
Everyone else is going, so can I go?
Let me think about it, yeah?
Let me think about it.
[indistinct chatter on TV]
What?
So?
Can I have more than a minute
to decide, please? Thank you.
My bad.
So?
Any funny business, yeah?
-I'm gonna home school you from now on.
-Thanks, Mobeen.
-I'll never forget this.
-All right, go on. On you go.
-[Aks] Sucker.
-Huh?
[Aks] "Huh?"
Yeah, you better get going.
Cutting down on carbs and everything.
[sighs]
You know, you don't have
to let a dress define you, you know?
You're strong and you're intelligent
and you're... you're funny.
You're going to look beautiful
no matter what you wear, you know?
I love you.
What do you think?
Huh?
Huh?
Mobeen, the dress?
Oh, my God. You look so elegant, man.
Huh? You've got proper
dope taste, you have.
-Obviously, I take after you.
-Yeah, don't know about that, baby girl.
Let's have a look at this.
Yeah, we can't... we can't buy that.
Why not?
Uh, because it's made in Bangladesh,
that's why.
What's that got to do with anything?
What's that got to... I'mma...
I'mma tell you
what that's got to do with it, yeah.
That dress is a direct result
of child labour.
[speaking foreign language]
Imagine you off at your prom
enjoying yourself with
your friends and that, yeah?
But the 32 little kids
that are over in Bangladesh
sewing them sequins by hand.
Bless them, they've only got
one fish finger
to share between them for dinner.
[exhales] Really bad, that.
Don't worry. Look.
There's loads of lovely dresses here.
Look, look, look, look.
Uh... no, no, not that one.
What about...
This is the one.
Yeah, look at this.
Look at this. Look, look, look.
Still made by kids in South Asia,
but they get lunch breaks
and eat as many fish fingers as they like.
Do you know what I mean?
Proper ethical and that. Yeah?
We're all about the ethics, baby girl.
Come on. That's it.
Think about the poor little kiddies
sewing and sewing.
Uh...
Okay.
[Nate] This is a big problem.
[Mobeen] Who's saying
it's a big problem, huh?
You keep telling me
I'm the one responsible
for the Small Heath fade drought.
Show me one person
that said that? Come on.
I said it.
Look, because of you
I've got patches in my hair. Look.
No, lala, you...
You've got patches
because you've got alopecia.
Oh, yeah. Was he Muslim?
Huh?
[Eight] That guy who invented it.
Was he Muslim?
He sounded like a Muslim. Ali Pecia.
Yes, he, uh, defeated the crusaders
through stress-induced hair loss.
That's what happened there.
Uh, look, Mobe's, this is serious.
People are refusing to leave their houses.
I've seen this one dude walking around
with a hijab on his head.
That is not a dude. That's Bushla.
Mobeen, I've got a wicked idea
to get you out of trouble with Aks.
What's that, go on.
I've still got Azaar's car keys, innit?
What if Aqsa went to prom
in that car, yeah. That'd be sick.
No, we're not using Azaar's car.
-Why?
-Because he'll kill you, that's why.
But he's on holiday, aint he?
-It would be sick, though.
-It would be sick.
Mobeen, leave it to me.
She'll arrive in proper style, innit,
even if her dress is shit.
Who said the dress is shit?
The dress not shit.
Yo, yo, yo. You men talking
about the prom, yeah?
My God, Bigfoot's here.
Look at that size 16!
I didn't even think they made them
that big, you know.
Hi, what do you want, Ridwan?
I just want you to know... I'm ready.
-Ready for what?
-[Nate] What?
For prom tonight.
-Okay, yeah.
-Good luck.
Maneeb said on Insta
he's going to dip me up,
so, obviously, I've got
to dip him up first.
I think you'll like this, Mobeen.
It's what you would have done.
Oi! Give me that!
Hey, hey, hey.
[Mobeen] Ridiculous behaviour, Ridwan.
What's wrong with you, man?
-You get rid of the thing, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.
No more blades.
Do you understand? Go home.
[Nate] Moving like that,
he ain't going to see 16.
Mobeen, you need to make sure
you keep an eye on him tonight.
You're right, you know.
I need to go to prom.
Look!
-Ta da.
-Ta da.
[gasps]
[all screaming]
[Eight] Oh, yeah.
You know what time it is?
[all] Prom, prom, prom.
-Shut up. It's my prom.
-Okay, moody.
After you, madam.
Three, two, one.
-[both singing enthusiastically]
-[music playing faintly]
[Aks] Where is everyone?
[Mobeen] They must have heard
about them pregnancy statistics.
Come on.
Let's get this party started, bastards.
Shady?
Put the peri-peri sauce on the poom-poom.
-Smile in this one, yeah? Go on.
-[camera clicks]
That's well, nice.
You can put this on your Tinder.
-[Nate] Okay.
-Look. See, it's nice.
Take one of me. A nice one.
You can put this on your Grinder.
What's that?
[vehicle approaching]
[whispers] I thought
you said he was in Spain?
He said he went to Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
Ashby-de-la-Zouch
is in bloody Leicestershire.
No, Leicestershire's not in Spain.
[stammering]
Yo, who said you can take my car, bruv?
You're on holiday.
He just gets a bit confused sometimes,
and I didn't catch him, bro.
No, I don't. Do I?
You need to come and have a word,
you know, mate.
[Eight] No, no, no, no.
[siren blaring]
[Harper] Oi.
No one likes to hear
the words "cavity search."
Yes.
-Evening, ladies.
-Evening.
Hold on, boys.
You're looking very matchy matchy.
They have a sale on at Sports Direct?
Actually, my grandma
got this from Pakistan.
-Shut up, Arslan.
-Shut up, Arslan.
[Harper] A little birdy's told me
there's going to be a spot
of stainless steel trouble here tonight.
-Is it her?
-What?
The little birdie. Is it her?
She looks like Red from Angry Birds.
Piss off!
We better get these girls to their prom.
Come on, girls.
Oi, keys.
You're lucky, bro.
[Syeda] Go.
Off you go, ladies.
I catch you in a playground again, Azaar,
I'll have you on a list.
Shady, what you doing here?
I'm the disc jockey.
[laughing] Let's be careful
how you pronounce that. Okay?
Piss off, Mobeen.
You are ruining my vibes.
Okay.
[Shady] Come on.
Let's get this party started, bastards.
It absolutely stinks of teenager in here.
It's... I don't know
how you put up with this.
There's only like six of them in here
and it smells like wet feet
and rabbit hutches. Pooh.
That is an outstanding description
of what it smells like.
Well, you know how I do, so...
Miss Aitken, can I just say
this prom you've put together...
-Is shit?
-It's really shit. Really shit.
On the plus side, no one here's pregnant.
It's only 7:30.
You heard about the statistics, innit?
Shout out to every one
who are getting their poke on tonight.
Oh, hey, baby girl.
Kid over there says,
if he doesn't get a fade
in the next 24 hours, he's joining ISIS.
Yeah. Not even they'll let him in
with a haircut like that.
-Hello, Aqsa.
-[Aks] Evening, Miss.
Has Mobeen told you about
how he was talking about you
the other night in his sleep?
-Ha!
-Absolutely not.
[scoffs] That weren't me, though, was it?
You're a blagger, go away.
She's actually not a blagger.
Please continue, Aqsa.
It was something, like...
[imitating Mobeen] "Oh, I'mma tell you
this straight up, yeah.
You're fire-aching from the inside
and the outside, ooh!"
Why?
Thought you might also want these mints.
His breath gets a bit...
On... On TV, they were saying, um...
Uh, teaching's really hard. Is it hard?
Yeah. You'd never pass your GCSE's.
No.
Not without any private tuition
from me anyway.
Okay.
[Miss Aitken] Hello, Ridwan.
[Shady] Ka! Ka!
You should probably sort him out, yeah.
Ho! Ho! Mobeen and his tits
are leaving now.
He's a virgin, you know.
Where you going, Ridwan?
[gasps]
Fuck.
If you are flapping it off a loud voice,
you shouldn't be carrying around a blade
from The Walking Dead, should you?
Are you wearing the same clothes as me?
No. Your garms are shit.
All right, Mobeen-wannabe-junior.
Listen, I know why you're here,
and I aint trying to hear it.
Everyone at school, on road, on WhatsApp,
it's saying Maneeb's going to dip me,
so I'm going to dip him up first, innit.
Every CCTV from ends to here
has seen you carrying that sword.
If you do this, your life is finished.
There's a 12-year-old in intensive care
because somebody shanked him last week.
Is that the life you want?
I don't care.
Ridwan, I know you're scared,
but do you know what?
Maneeb is scared too.
So what am I supposed to do
when someone steps to me with a blade?
By the time you and Maneeb
are pulling out blades on each other,
it's already too late.
So... is this the Disney ending
where I hand you over the blade
and learn a life lesson, yeah?
-Ridwan, I didn't say that.
-Well, fuck you, Mobeen.
You're not the one getting
stabbed out here.
Sorry, big man. I better leave you
to handle your business then, yeah?
Behave yourself, Ridwan!
If you ever step near a blade
in your life again,
forget who you think you've got beef with,
you'll have me to deal with.
Is that understood?
[scoffs]
Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.
[police siren blaring faintly]
Ridwan, listen.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.
Being on road is one
of the biggest ones I've ever made.
Budge up, come on, budge up.
[sniffles]
Why'd you want to be like me?
You can be a thousand times
the man that I am.
You should be showing me the person
I should have become.
And I'll be keeping an eye out on you,
you know that.
Will you?
Yeah, as long as you stay legit,
I'll make sure nobody messes with you.
Okay?
[softly] Yeah.
Most importantly...
you need to get your own swag.
Robin didn't wear
the same clothes as Batman, did he?
Come on. What do you say?
Get in there. Enjoy the rest
of your prom, huh?
-Yeah.
-Go on.
And, Ridwan...
don't be trying to dance
with my sister in there, all right?
[grunts softly]
[imitating Japanese]
[speaking gibberish]
-[Harper] Evening, Mobeen.
-Oh, shit.
Anything you want to tell me?
Yeah, you were right earlier on, man.
I've just confiscated
this off a kid who's about to use it.
Here you go?
-Taser, taser, taser! Sword!
-[Taser crackling]
[Harper] Syeda, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the fucking... whoa, chill, man!
-Sword!
-No. Yes. Yes, put it down. Down.
[groaning]
He wasn't going to stab me with it.
He was giving it me.
-Really?
-Yes, really.
-You're definitely sure?
-Yeah, deffo.
What we gonna do?
I tell you what we're not going to do.
Paperwork.
You grab the barbs out of him.
Yeah, he's still breathing.
Just leave him here and do on.
You're just like your brother.
-Oh, thanks, sir.
-Wasn't a compliment.
[Syeda] Oh.
[upbeat music playing]
Mobeen's chatting.
I've been here for an hour
and I'm not even pregnant yet.
I feel like I'm 16 again.
This is so magical.
[music continues]
[Shady] The best prom dress
for tonight is Aqsadine.
[Mobeen grunts]
-Baby girl, 18 out of 22, this guy.
-[music stops]
[Shady] Can someone
get the school nurse, please?
-[grunts]
-Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, tata.
Hold tight. Here we go.
[loud techno music playing]
[air horn blaring]
Then... I'm going to burn you.
Reebar, can you stop bringing the drama
all the time, please.
Forget... forget burning my ear hair,
just finish my fade, please.
Thank you, brother.
Yes. Yes, Mobeen, yes.
You know, you and your blades...
You're worse than the kids cheffing
each other around here all the time.
These children are making
some Michelin style food now or something?
[Reebar chuckles]
Cheffing means stabbing each other, innit?
To be honest with you,
I take most of the kids
in the Small Heath,
they are lunatic weirdos anyway.
Um, excuse me, Reebar.
Not every kid in Small Heath
is a lunatic or a weirdo.
-[door opens]
-[Ridwan] Whoo!
What's happening, my peep?
Whoo! It looks dead in here.
Some of them are both.
Some are like Ridwan.
So, are you going to come on Thursday
for a little floss thing, yeah?
[Mobeen] No, she's not.
The only thing getting flossed on Thursday
is going to be you between
my teeth, little man, all right?
I wish Mobeen was my big brother.
No you don't, mate.
Get out of this bloody shit hole now.
This is going to stop.
Hey, what's happening here?
This... keeps talking
the bullshit about me on Instagram.
I don't know what
you are talking about, man.
Oh, really? Well, who posted
this picture of me with the caption,
"Come down to Emre's
if you want fungie shite infection
in your arsehole," huh?
Fungie shite...
infection in the asshole?
Why are people getting
fungie shite infections in their arseholes
at your barbers anyway?
Uh, unless, of course,
you're wet shaving people's arseholes.
No, I am bloody well not.
Well, I heard that you do.
I'm not doing this,
but people believe it's true.
Like you right now, Mobeen.
No, I don't believe it.
I don't believe it's true, no. I don't.
Look, this started because you said
you was the number one skin fader
in the whole of Small Heath.
Yeah, that's true.
I'm the best barber in Small Heath.
Fuck you, Salt Bae.
I am the number one barber
in this Small Heath.
No, I am the number one in the whole...
[Reebar] I am number one.
You come after me.
I am the number one
in the whole wide world.
"In the whole wide world."
What the hell does that mean?
I am the best skin fader.
-Fuck you!
-Fuck you!
-Get outside.
-Let's go.
-Come!
-[both yelling in foreign language]
[Emre] I am the best skin fader
in the whole...
[Reebar] I am the number one,
I am number one.
Bloody hell. Could someone
just finish my haircut, please?
[chuckles]
Don't you ever disrespect me in front
of my customers again. Do you hear me?
-Shut up.
-You shut up.
-I said first.
-You shut up.
[all yelling in foreign language]
My brothers. Hey!
You men are brothers of the same hustle.
You shouldn't be fighting like this.
Put these blades down. Okay.
Okay, Mr Mobeen. Who do you think does
the best skin fade in Small Heath, huh?
-Honestly?
-Uh-huh. [exclaims in foreign language]
Probably Abde's Blade Effects
down the road I would say.
Probably.
-Abde's?
-Abde's?
Listen, I only came here
because he's been banged up
for VAT fraud on importing
funny hair wax from Mogadishu.
You heard about that, innit?
Listen to me. Look at me, lads.
You know what the real travesty here is?
That the inmates at HMPO
are getting such high quality fades
and I'm out here stuck with you two, so...
But Abde's. Saddam Hussein's barbers
is better than Abde's.
Yeah. That's true. [spits] Shame on you.
Anyway, you post
one more picture about me...
and I'll skin fade your bloody face,
Reebar, okay?
-And I will shave your mother's pussy!
-Whoa!
Yo, slice him up nicely, Emre.
Get back in the shop, young man.
Aint nobody getting sliced out here.
[car approaching]
Everybody, shut the fuck up
and put your hands in the air.
-Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!
-[Harper] Calm down.
Syeda, is that you?
Oh, my gosh!
You and your brother joined the feds.
Bet your mum's well proud of you,
aint she?
That's it, come here.
Her mums not really talking
to her at the minute.
Harpes, where is Saj?
You give him the day off from brown
on brown racism, yeah?
He's been suspended.
Discharged his firearm
without reasonable grounds.
Shot a man sat on double yellows.
You know, that fella sitting
on double yellows.
He wasn't brown by any chance, was he?
He was, yeah.
Knew it, knew it.
[Harper] What's going on here, boys?
They were clearly holding weapons.
Fully weaponised!
I think you'll find, Syeda,
they are simply carrying
the tools of their trade.
You're a tool of your trade.
That doesn't even make sense.
Hold your distance.
Yes, they're carrying blades
because they're barbers.
If they were bakers,
they would be carrying baguettes
and if they were excitable
brown police women,
they would be carrying a massive bag
of hate for their own people.
That's it. You're nicked.
I'm nicked? What for?
You're a dickhead, that's why.
You can't nick him for that, all right?
Just...
-Nick these two instead.
-Huh?
-You two, come here.
-[Mobeen] No, no, no.
-Against the glass.
-[Reebar] What have we done?
[Emre] Innocent man...
You know what? Fantastic bit
of community policing again, Harper.
[Harper] There's a 12-year-old
in intensive care.
He was stabbed by one
of his own classmates,
so it's zero tolerance on knives.
[Reebar groaning]
Who's going to run their shops,
they're barbers?
[Emre] We're just barbers, mate.
-[muttering]
-[groaning]
You know what, Mobeen?
You want to do something productive,
spend a little less time
worrying about your hair
and a bit more time worrying about
why the kids in this area
keep shanking each other?
Come on.
[Reebar] Don't forget to shut the shop.
[Ridwan] Ah, you the man, Mobeen.
-You've got a patch on your head.
-You've got a patch on your head!
[chuckles]
Take your big arse feet home.
Why are your feet so big?
Whoa! Little man. What are you doing?
You got all the barbers locked up, Mobeen.
Now, I can't even get a fade anymore.
My girl dumped me because of you.
I'm sorry, boys. Come here. Come here.
Come here, come, come, come, come.
I'm sorry, yeah?
But I'm pretty sure your girl dumped you
because she finally noticed your face.
-Now do one, go on.
-[laughing]
You're butters.
-You're butters.
-You're butters.
Guess what? You're butters.
Boys.
You're butters.
You all right, guys?
-What are you doing?
-Why are you washing Azaar's car?
Because he said if I do a good job,
then he'll pay me
when he comes back from holiday.
-No. Put the sponge down.
-No.
[speaking foreign language]
-[Mobeen] Put the sponge down!
-[Eight] No, no, no.
[speaking foreign language]
[Mobeen] What? What?
[Eight] All right. Hang on.
[speaking foreign language]
[Eight laughing]
[Mobeen] You better stop
cleaning that car.
So, are you going
to let Aks go to prom, or...
No, Nathaniel. She's not allowed
to go to a prom, yeah.
Remember how bukie our prom was? Huh?
All we did all night
was kiss girls, lips galore...
Lots and lots of ladies,
so many women. [chuckles]
You didn't kiss any girls, eh?
Nah.
Remember that girl I kissed?
Our 73-year-old school nurse?
Still a girl. Still a kiss.
Yeah, you needed
a wet paper towel after that, innit?
-Mobeen, turn around.
-Hmm?
What happened to your hair?
Allow me, man, I look like
a half trimmed hedge out here.
I think we should allow
Aks to go to her prom.
You know what, Nate, yeah.
Maybe we should.
Maybe we should let her smoke crack
and cycle into oncoming traffic as well.
-How about that?
-You're so dramatic.
I should have shagged that school nurse.
That is unacceptable.
[both speaking foreign language]
Mmm. Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
-[Mobeen] I said no.
-[Aks] Yeah.
-[Mobeen] No.
-[Aks] Yeah.
No.
-Yeah.
-Oi, yeah.
Give me one good reason why I can't go.
"One good..."
I'mma give you the reason, yeah?
Because when I went to my prom, yeah,
18 out of the 22 girls that attended
got pregnant that night.
Here we go.
Do you know what that is as a percentage?
It's a lot of percent, all right?
Can't we have a civilised discussion,
sister to brother, girl to guardian?
Sorry, girl to what?
Guardian. You're my legal guardian.
Yes, I am. Yes, I am your legal guardian.
Let's have that conversation, then. Go on.
You went to your prom.
Yeah, that was completely different, yeah?
I didn't go to a bump and grind
with a girl there, yeah.
Because you went to sell drugs.
No, I didn't go to sell drugs.
No, I didn't.
I'm nearly 16 now.
I don't need to be wrapped
in cotton wool anymore.
Oi, listen, you.
I've got a lifetime supply of cotton wool
to wrap you up in, yeah?
-Come here. Sit down.
-Hmm.
[Aks] I'm sorry.
You know, I've always appreciated
all the sacrifices you've made for me.
You've been a mum and a dad,
and a big brother, all rolled into one.
If this is about my weight,
I don't appreciate that, Aqsa.
I'm serious, Mobeen.
This is something special.
Something I want to be a part of.
Everyone else is going, so can I go?
Let me think about it, yeah?
Let me think about it.
[indistinct chatter on TV]
What?
So?
Can I have more than a minute
to decide, please? Thank you.
My bad.
So?
Any funny business, yeah?
-I'm gonna home school you from now on.
-Thanks, Mobeen.
-I'll never forget this.
-All right, go on. On you go.
-[Aks] Sucker.
-Huh?
[Aks] "Huh?"
Yeah, you better get going.
Cutting down on carbs and everything.
[sighs]
You know, you don't have
to let a dress define you, you know?
You're strong and you're intelligent
and you're... you're funny.
You're going to look beautiful
no matter what you wear, you know?
I love you.
What do you think?
Huh?
Huh?
Mobeen, the dress?
Oh, my God. You look so elegant, man.
Huh? You've got proper
dope taste, you have.
-Obviously, I take after you.
-Yeah, don't know about that, baby girl.
Let's have a look at this.
Yeah, we can't... we can't buy that.
Why not?
Uh, because it's made in Bangladesh,
that's why.
What's that got to do with anything?
What's that got to... I'mma...
I'mma tell you
what that's got to do with it, yeah.
That dress is a direct result
of child labour.
[speaking foreign language]
Imagine you off at your prom
enjoying yourself with
your friends and that, yeah?
But the 32 little kids
that are over in Bangladesh
sewing them sequins by hand.
Bless them, they've only got
one fish finger
to share between them for dinner.
[exhales] Really bad, that.
Don't worry. Look.
There's loads of lovely dresses here.
Look, look, look, look.
Uh... no, no, not that one.
What about...
This is the one.
Yeah, look at this.
Look at this. Look, look, look.
Still made by kids in South Asia,
but they get lunch breaks
and eat as many fish fingers as they like.
Do you know what I mean?
Proper ethical and that. Yeah?
We're all about the ethics, baby girl.
Come on. That's it.
Think about the poor little kiddies
sewing and sewing.
Uh...
Okay.
[Nate] This is a big problem.
[Mobeen] Who's saying
it's a big problem, huh?
You keep telling me
I'm the one responsible
for the Small Heath fade drought.
Show me one person
that said that? Come on.
I said it.
Look, because of you
I've got patches in my hair. Look.
No, lala, you...
You've got patches
because you've got alopecia.
Oh, yeah. Was he Muslim?
Huh?
[Eight] That guy who invented it.
Was he Muslim?
He sounded like a Muslim. Ali Pecia.
Yes, he, uh, defeated the crusaders
through stress-induced hair loss.
That's what happened there.
Uh, look, Mobe's, this is serious.
People are refusing to leave their houses.
I've seen this one dude walking around
with a hijab on his head.
That is not a dude. That's Bushla.
Mobeen, I've got a wicked idea
to get you out of trouble with Aks.
What's that, go on.
I've still got Azaar's car keys, innit?
What if Aqsa went to prom
in that car, yeah. That'd be sick.
No, we're not using Azaar's car.
-Why?
-Because he'll kill you, that's why.
But he's on holiday, aint he?
-It would be sick, though.
-It would be sick.
Mobeen, leave it to me.
She'll arrive in proper style, innit,
even if her dress is shit.
Who said the dress is shit?
The dress not shit.
Yo, yo, yo. You men talking
about the prom, yeah?
My God, Bigfoot's here.
Look at that size 16!
I didn't even think they made them
that big, you know.
Hi, what do you want, Ridwan?
I just want you to know... I'm ready.
-Ready for what?
-[Nate] What?
For prom tonight.
-Okay, yeah.
-Good luck.
Maneeb said on Insta
he's going to dip me up,
so, obviously, I've got
to dip him up first.
I think you'll like this, Mobeen.
It's what you would have done.
Oi! Give me that!
Hey, hey, hey.
[Mobeen] Ridiculous behaviour, Ridwan.
What's wrong with you, man?
-You get rid of the thing, yeah?
-Yeah, yeah.
No more blades.
Do you understand? Go home.
[Nate] Moving like that,
he ain't going to see 16.
Mobeen, you need to make sure
you keep an eye on him tonight.
You're right, you know.
I need to go to prom.
Look!
-Ta da.
-Ta da.
[gasps]
[all screaming]
[Eight] Oh, yeah.
You know what time it is?
[all] Prom, prom, prom.
-Shut up. It's my prom.
-Okay, moody.
After you, madam.
Three, two, one.
-[both singing enthusiastically]
-[music playing faintly]
[Aks] Where is everyone?
[Mobeen] They must have heard
about them pregnancy statistics.
Come on.
Let's get this party started, bastards.
Shady?
Put the peri-peri sauce on the poom-poom.
-Smile in this one, yeah? Go on.
-[camera clicks]
That's well, nice.
You can put this on your Tinder.
-[Nate] Okay.
-Look. See, it's nice.
Take one of me. A nice one.
You can put this on your Grinder.
What's that?
[vehicle approaching]
[whispers] I thought
you said he was in Spain?
He said he went to Ashby-de-la-Zouch.
Ashby-de-la-Zouch
is in bloody Leicestershire.
No, Leicestershire's not in Spain.
[stammering]
Yo, who said you can take my car, bruv?
You're on holiday.
He just gets a bit confused sometimes,
and I didn't catch him, bro.
No, I don't. Do I?
You need to come and have a word,
you know, mate.
[Eight] No, no, no, no.
[siren blaring]
[Harper] Oi.
No one likes to hear
the words "cavity search."
Yes.
-Evening, ladies.
-Evening.
Hold on, boys.
You're looking very matchy matchy.
They have a sale on at Sports Direct?
Actually, my grandma
got this from Pakistan.
-Shut up, Arslan.
-Shut up, Arslan.
[Harper] A little birdy's told me
there's going to be a spot
of stainless steel trouble here tonight.
-Is it her?
-What?
The little birdie. Is it her?
She looks like Red from Angry Birds.
Piss off!
We better get these girls to their prom.
Come on, girls.
Oi, keys.
You're lucky, bro.
[Syeda] Go.
Off you go, ladies.
I catch you in a playground again, Azaar,
I'll have you on a list.
Shady, what you doing here?
I'm the disc jockey.
[laughing] Let's be careful
how you pronounce that. Okay?
Piss off, Mobeen.
You are ruining my vibes.
Okay.
[Shady] Come on.
Let's get this party started, bastards.
It absolutely stinks of teenager in here.
It's... I don't know
how you put up with this.
There's only like six of them in here
and it smells like wet feet
and rabbit hutches. Pooh.
That is an outstanding description
of what it smells like.
Well, you know how I do, so...
Miss Aitken, can I just say
this prom you've put together...
-Is shit?
-It's really shit. Really shit.
On the plus side, no one here's pregnant.
It's only 7:30.
You heard about the statistics, innit?
Shout out to every one
who are getting their poke on tonight.
Oh, hey, baby girl.
Kid over there says,
if he doesn't get a fade
in the next 24 hours, he's joining ISIS.
Yeah. Not even they'll let him in
with a haircut like that.
-Hello, Aqsa.
-[Aks] Evening, Miss.
Has Mobeen told you about
how he was talking about you
the other night in his sleep?
-Ha!
-Absolutely not.
[scoffs] That weren't me, though, was it?
You're a blagger, go away.
She's actually not a blagger.
Please continue, Aqsa.
It was something, like...
[imitating Mobeen] "Oh, I'mma tell you
this straight up, yeah.
You're fire-aching from the inside
and the outside, ooh!"
Why?
Thought you might also want these mints.
His breath gets a bit...
On... On TV, they were saying, um...
Uh, teaching's really hard. Is it hard?
Yeah. You'd never pass your GCSE's.
No.
Not without any private tuition
from me anyway.
Okay.
[Miss Aitken] Hello, Ridwan.
[Shady] Ka! Ka!
You should probably sort him out, yeah.
Ho! Ho! Mobeen and his tits
are leaving now.
He's a virgin, you know.
Where you going, Ridwan?
[gasps]
Fuck.
If you are flapping it off a loud voice,
you shouldn't be carrying around a blade
from The Walking Dead, should you?
Are you wearing the same clothes as me?
No. Your garms are shit.
All right, Mobeen-wannabe-junior.
Listen, I know why you're here,
and I aint trying to hear it.
Everyone at school, on road, on WhatsApp,
it's saying Maneeb's going to dip me,
so I'm going to dip him up first, innit.
Every CCTV from ends to here
has seen you carrying that sword.
If you do this, your life is finished.
There's a 12-year-old in intensive care
because somebody shanked him last week.
Is that the life you want?
I don't care.
Ridwan, I know you're scared,
but do you know what?
Maneeb is scared too.
So what am I supposed to do
when someone steps to me with a blade?
By the time you and Maneeb
are pulling out blades on each other,
it's already too late.
So... is this the Disney ending
where I hand you over the blade
and learn a life lesson, yeah?
-Ridwan, I didn't say that.
-Well, fuck you, Mobeen.
You're not the one getting
stabbed out here.
Sorry, big man. I better leave you
to handle your business then, yeah?
Behave yourself, Ridwan!
If you ever step near a blade
in your life again,
forget who you think you've got beef with,
you'll have me to deal with.
Is that understood?
[scoffs]
Sit down. Sit down. Sit down.
[police siren blaring faintly]
Ridwan, listen.
I've made a lot of mistakes in my life.
Being on road is one
of the biggest ones I've ever made.
Budge up, come on, budge up.
[sniffles]
Why'd you want to be like me?
You can be a thousand times
the man that I am.
You should be showing me the person
I should have become.
And I'll be keeping an eye out on you,
you know that.
Will you?
Yeah, as long as you stay legit,
I'll make sure nobody messes with you.
Okay?
[softly] Yeah.
Most importantly...
you need to get your own swag.
Robin didn't wear
the same clothes as Batman, did he?
Come on. What do you say?
Get in there. Enjoy the rest
of your prom, huh?
-Yeah.
-Go on.
And, Ridwan...
don't be trying to dance
with my sister in there, all right?
[grunts softly]
[imitating Japanese]
[speaking gibberish]
-[Harper] Evening, Mobeen.
-Oh, shit.
Anything you want to tell me?
Yeah, you were right earlier on, man.
I've just confiscated
this off a kid who's about to use it.
Here you go?
-Taser, taser, taser! Sword!
-[Taser crackling]
[Harper] Syeda, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the fucking... whoa, chill, man!
-Sword!
-No. Yes. Yes, put it down. Down.
[groaning]
He wasn't going to stab me with it.
He was giving it me.
-Really?
-Yes, really.
-You're definitely sure?
-Yeah, deffo.
What we gonna do?
I tell you what we're not going to do.
Paperwork.
You grab the barbs out of him.
Yeah, he's still breathing.
Just leave him here and do on.
You're just like your brother.
-Oh, thanks, sir.
-Wasn't a compliment.
[Syeda] Oh.
[upbeat music playing]
Mobeen's chatting.
I've been here for an hour
and I'm not even pregnant yet.
I feel like I'm 16 again.
This is so magical.
[music continues]
[Shady] The best prom dress
for tonight is Aqsadine.
[Mobeen grunts]
-Baby girl, 18 out of 22, this guy.
-[music stops]
[Shady] Can someone
get the school nurse, please?
-[grunts]
-Ho, ho, ho.
Ho, ho, tata.
Hold tight. Here we go.
[loud techno music playing]
[air horn blaring]