Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 6 - Mama and Dr. Brothers - full transcript
When Dr. Joyce Brothers appears on a local talk show, Mama is shocked and embarrassed when Naomi phones in for advice on her and Vint's marriage.
Ah! Great breakfast, Grandma.
Well, thank you, Bubba.
Vinton, you haven't
hardly touched a thing.
Oh, I'm not hungry,
Mama. I'm too tensed up.
Honestly, I don't know
why I even bother.
Say, uncle Vint, I need
to ask your advice...
about a girl.
Not this mornin', Bubba.
I got female problems of my own.
Bubba, I'd be happy
to help you out.
No, thanks, Grandma.
Every time you
start givin' me advice
you always end up yellin'.
I do no such thing!
What's the problem?
Well, there's this girl in
my homeroom, Andrea...
she works down at the donut hut.
I want her to ask me
to the Twerp dance.
What the hell is a Twerp dance?
It's a dance at school where
the girls ask the boys out.
I tell you, these women
libbers have gone nuts.
A man is not
supposed to sit at home
and wait for the phone to
ring. That's a woman's job.
I know that Grandma, but see...
Just what kind of girl
would go chasin' after a boy?
I don't want you goin' out
with this pushy, little twerp.
Thanks for the advice, Grandma.
Any time, baby.
Alright, Vinton,
what's buggin' you?
Oh, Mama, that rumor down at
the shop turned out to be true.
Kwik-keys is gonna be taken over
by a big conglomerate... A
company named "Bernice".
Bernice? Doesn't
she make ketchup?
She started out as ketchup,
then she became luggage
and insurance and
amusement parks.
But was Bernice-land
enough for her?
No-o-o-o-o-o!
Now she wants to
be Kwik-keys, too.
Does this mean we'll get
a discount on ketchup?
What it means is that there's
gonna be a big shake-up
and I'm probably
gonna lose my job!
Do you really think so?
Of course! That's what happens
when them big
conglomerates take over!
Thanks a lot, Bernice!
Gee, and she looks
so nice on the label.
Has Vinton gone?
Yes, he had breakfast
when it was served.
What have you been doin'?
Waitin' for room service?
I am late for work, Ms. Harper.
I don't have time for
breakfast... or your sarcasm.
You certainly got up on
the wrong side of the bed.
It's none of your business
what happens in my bed!
Well, my, my. Ain't we touchy?
You would be touchy, too,
if your marriage
was falling apart!
Good lord! Teenage vixens,
conglomerate takeovers,
crumblin' marriages...
This could be an
episode of "Dynasty".
Isn't this fun?
I just love double-coupon day.
Yeah, if you got decent coupons.
Here, you want this
one? It's for rain forest.
Rain forest... Is that
a room freshener?
It says, "For when you need
to be a more feminine you."
What is it?
It's 50 cents off.
Take it or leave it.
Shoot, I'll take it just
to find out what it is.
Here. You can have these, too.
Thelma, these are the same
coupons I just traded you.
Lord, where is my mind?
I guess it's all this business
with Vint and Naomi.
Oh, are they havin' problems?
Something's gone
sour between them two.
Oh, don't tell me there's
gonna be a divorce.
Back off, Iola. I've told
you enough already.
I thought I could help.
If you wanna help, turn on
"Good Morning Raytown".
I can't stand that
Eddie Edwards.
I think he's a doll.
Besides, today he
does his library report
where he reads off the names
of people with overdue books.
Oh.
I didn't know that he
did in-depth stories.
Burt Wemley... 35 cents
and finally, Mary
Jane Youngblood...
a whoppin' $8.50.
Shame on you, Mary Jane!
Shoot! We missed it. What
else can go wrong today?
And now, Raytonians, do I
have a special treat for you.
Right here in our studio
we have the
renowned psychologist
and author of the bestseller
"What every woman ought to
know about love and marriage",
Dr. Joyce Brothers!
Don't tell me
even that Dr. Joyce
is gettin' in on
all this sex talk.
I'm sure she does
it in a lady-like way.
Dr. Brothers, what a thrill!
I mean, we've seen you
with Johnny and with Merv
and on "Bloopers
and Practical Jokes"
but here you are
with Eddie Edwards.
Tell us, Dr. Brothers, what
brings you to our fair city?
My plane broke down.
Well, the jet stream's
loss is Raytown's gain.
Dr. Brothers has agreed
to open the phone
lines to viewers.
So if any of you out there
have any real juicy questions
about love and marriage,
you just give us a call!
Where does she think she is?
Hollyweird?
People in Raytown ain't gonna
air their dirty laundry on TV.
Uh, please, please.
Please, be patient!
My phones are
ringin' off the hooks!
You're on with Eddie
and Dr. Brothers.
Oh, hi, Dr. Brothers.
I'm at my wits' end. I
hope you can help me.
Gee, that voice sounds familiar.
What seems to be
the problem, dear?
My husband... I'll
call him "Clint"...
hasn't been able to
rise to the occasion lately
if you take my meaning.
Well, what kind of a cuckoo
would blab that on TV?
This is a very common
marital problem.
Tell me, does Clint
have a high-pressure job?
Oh, yes, ma'am, he sure does.
Things are really hectic
for him down at Kwik-keys.
Kwik-keys!
It's somebody that
works with Vinton!
I see. And do you work as well?
Yes, ma'am. I'm a
career girl just like you.
I'm a checker at Food Circus.
Oh, my lord!
It's somebody who
works with Naomi!
You birdbrain, it is Naomi!
This problem in the bedroom
can come from many causes...
job pressures,
finances, in-laws...
In-laws? Did you say in-laws?
No, you don't! You ain't
gonna pin this one on me!
- I'll turn it off.
- Touch that dial and die!
Well, we do live with
my mother-in-law.
Do you know she put
us in the basement?
We should've had a room
upstairs but she gave that away
to her grandson
from reform school.
All of this has had a
terrible effect on Vint...
I mean Clint!
Thank you very much, Roselle,
but there's no need
to pay a sympathy call.
Vinton isn't dead,
for the most part.
No, of course not!
I heard it on Eddie Edwards
just like everybody
else in the Tri-state area.
No, Vinton is not
interested in a faith healer!
Well, think about it, Roselle!
This isn't somethin'
you heal in public!
You've been on the
phone all afternoon.
- What's goin' on?
- Nothin'!
How's Andrea supposed to
call me if the phone's tied up?
If Andrea wants to ask you
out, she can send a telegram
and get out of my refrigerator!
Give me that damned phone!
Hello. Well, Mertis,
what a pleasant surprise.
No, I don't know what
you're talkin' about.
No, I never watch
that Eddie Edwards.
You don't say.
Well, it must've
been somebody else.
I'm tellin' you it
was a mistake!
I heard that woman say
"Clint" with my own ears!
Who was that?
Wrong number.
Andrea's probably
given up by now.
Gee, I sure don't want to
go to the dance twerp-less.
Hey, maybe that's her. Hello.
Ha ha!
Well, who is it?
It's a bunch of guys laughin'
and singin' "I Can't
Get No Satisfaction".
Hang up that phone!
Well, I think I'll head on
down to the Donut Hut
and wait for Andrea
to get off work.
What about dinner?
Grandma, this is a
matter of life and death.
I don't have time
to think about food.
Did you have a nice day, Naomi?
Yes, thank you, Ms.
Harper. It was fine.
Where are you
goin' in such a hurry?
Why don't you come on in
here and keep me company?
Actually, I don't feel
much like chattin' right now.
This'll only take a minute.
I got a little question
I'd like to ask you.
Oh, alright. What is it?
Have you no decency?
Have you no shame?
Have you no brain in that
frizz-pot head of yours?!
That's more than one question.
How could you pull
a stunt like this...
Gettin' on TV and
talkin' about stuff
that would make
Phil Donahue blush?
I guess you heard.
The whole town heard!
My phone has been
ringin' off the wall!
I got a call from a woman
who lives down the street
I thought died years ago!
How could you
pull a stunt like this?
I was desperate! I
had to talk to someone!
Why didn't you come to me?
I couldn't talk to you
about somethin' like this.
It's too personal, too intimate!
Oh, I see... you
can't talk to me
so you go and blab it to
every yahoo in Raytown!
Oh, you don't suppose
Vinton heard, too, do you?!
Naomi!
Oh.
I think there's a
distinct possibility.
You have destroyed the
sanctity of our basement!
Oh, honey, I know you're upset
but it's not as bad as it seems!
That's right. Nobody
knows it was you.
Hello.
No, this is not the
deadbolt of Kwik-keys!
Swiss steak?
Tater tots?
See, I told you dinner
would cheer us up.
Knock, knock!
Sorry for bargin' in.
I hope I'm not disturbin'
anyone's dinner.
No, it's okay. We just hit
a lull in the conversation.
I just came over 'cause I
made too much dessert.
Well, how thoughtful.
- Wasn't that nice of Iola?
- Uh-huh.
It was nothin'.
Why don't you pull
up a chair and join us?
Don't mind if I do. Oh,
you're havin' Swiss steak.
What a treat. Ooh,
and Asparagus. Mmm.
They had the best
recipe for Asparagus
the other day on the
Eddie Edwards show.
Of course, I never
watch that show.
I don't know anyone who does.
Do you, Clint... Vint!
Well, I-I guess
I better be goin'.
Good idea. Thanks for the pie.
My pleasure. You don't
have to get up for me.
Goodnight, Iola!
Uh, I mean, I-I'm sure that
you could if you wanted to.
Up, down... makes
no difference to me.
I said goodnight!
Now you see what you've done?
I can't even eat Swiss steak
without people
feelin' sorry for me!
How could you
humiliate me like this?
You're humiliated?
Well, how do you
think I feel every night!
Oh, for Heaven's sakes,
Naomi! Give the man a break.
Even Johnny Carson gets
a night off once in a while.
Would you just stay out of it?
You've done enough damage!
- Me?
- Yes.
Dr. Brothers said
this was your fault!
She did not!
She would have if they
hadn't had a commercial break!
Mama was to blame?
Mama, what have you done?
This is one problem you are
not gonna lay at my doorstep!
I don't care what that
show-biz shrink says!
- Who you callin'?
- I am callin' K-Ray!
The station has to know how
to get in touch with Dr. Brothers.
She can't point an accusin'
finger at me and then skip town!
She doesn't even know me!
After I'm through with her,
she's gonna rue the day we met!
Hello?
I'm tryin' to reach
Dr. Joyce brothers.
This is the president
of her fan club.
Flight 12 for Jackson,
Orlando, and Miami
now boardin' at Gate 6.
Vinton, Naomi... there she is.
Hold it right there!
Doc, I got a bone
to pick with you!
- I beg your pardon.
- I am Thelma Harper.
And these are
members of my family
whose lives you've ruined...
My son Vinton, and his wife,
Naomi... Clint and Salome.
You're the woman who called
me on the show this morning.
That's right! Oh, honey,
she remembers me!
Could you hold it down, please?
What seems to be the problem?
I'll tell you what
the problem is.
You have turned my son's
condition into a media event
and accordin' to
you, it's my fault!
I want you to sit him down
and straighten him out!
Mama!
Mrs. Harper, it's nobody's
fault, and it isn't a problem
that can be solved
in a single phone call.
There may be so
many factors involved
it would take me time
to get the whole picture.
That's why we're here.
My plane leaves in
just a few minutes.
Then let's cut the chit-chat
and get down to business!
Alright. I'll do what I can.
You'll do just fine, Joyce.
Vint, Naomi, sit down.
Beat it! This is a
medical emergency!
How long have you been
experiencing this problem?
Every night for two weeks.
Two weeks? Is that all?
That isn't bein'
out of commission
that's bein' married!
Ms. Harper, would you let
Dr. Brothers talk, please?
I think you both
need a lot of patience.
And, Vint, you must remember
that practically every
man at some point in his life
has a problem performing.
Joyce, you are so right.
This exact same thing
happened to my husband, Carl.
Of course, I
considered it a blessin'.
Vint, tell me
are you having
problems on the job?
Do you experience
stress on your job?
Well, no, not at all.
I just am worried all the
time about gettin' fired.
Flight 103 now
boarding for Lubbock.
Freeze! You ain't
givin' us the bum's rush.
You sit back down
and get this settled.
Naomi, I remember
you said something
about a mother-in-law problem.
There you go blamin' the mother!
She put them on
the pot too soon,
she took them off too early!
364 days out of the year
you blame her for everything
that's wrong in the world!
Then on mother's
day, out of guilt
you slap a corsage on her chest
and let her order
anything she wants
at the house of pancakes!
Do you realize
that you wouldn't be
the high-falutin'
person you are today
if it wasn't for your mother?
I love my mother.
Sure. I bet she doesn't
make you live in the basement!
You know what I think?
You need a nice vacation
away from all the
pressures of your job.
Now, there you go!
We could all go up
to Lake Rayawatchee!
Mrs. Harper, they
need a vacation alone.
They wouldn't even
know I was there.
Listen, you two...
sometimes when you do
something wild and exciting
it freshens up the marriage.
You're in an airport...
Why don't you just fly
away for the weekend
to someplace so
exciting and wild?
Hey, what a great idea.
Honey, we could go to
Hinckley for the Peanut festival!
Let's do it! Let's make
the reservations right now.
Oh, baby!
Thanks a lot, doc. I'm
feelin' better already.
- Oh, I'm so glad.
- Me too!
Oh, I'll never be able
to thank you enough!
Come on, Skeeter!
You know, Joycie, if you ever
decide to give up psychology
you'd make one
hell of a travel agent.
Thank you.
As long as you're givin'
out all the free advice
there's a little somethin'
I've been wonderin' about.
What is it, Thelma?
Well, I was
wonderin'... Wonderin'...
Are those shoes as
comfortable as they look?
Are those Cobbie Coddlers?
You know that isn't the question
you're dying to ask me.
Well, I was just wonderin'...
isn't it true that when
you get to be my age
all this hanky-panky
business is over?
No, not at all. If you
don't use it, you lose it.
Uh-oh.
Thelma, here's my home number.
If Vint and Naomi need
it at any time in the future
have them call, and I think
you ought to read my book.
I think you'd find
it enlightening.
Oh, "What Every Woman Ought
To Know About Love And Marriage".
Does this come with
a plain brown wrapper?
Flight 103... final
boarding to Lubbock.
Get the lead out, Joycie.
You're gonna miss your plane.
Thelma, before I go...
If Vint and Naomi
have any more problems
let me leave you with
some words of wisdom...
butt out.
Did you see her?
Dr. Joyce Brothers... a
close, personal friend.
Picture doesn't do justice.
She's prettier in person.
Have a good flight,
Joycie. We'll be in touch.
Well, Vint and Naomi
are off to Hinckley.
Bubba's out
dancin' with a twerp.
Guess it's just you
and me, Joycie.
See what you got here.
"The humiliatin'
7-second encounter"...
Sounds like my honeymoon.
"The older woman
and the younger man"!
Good lord!
"Takin' the ho-hum out of sex".
Well, now, just
a minute, Joycie.
I don't mind losin' the "ho"
but the "hum" was the
only part I could stand.
Well, thank you, Bubba.
Vinton, you haven't
hardly touched a thing.
Oh, I'm not hungry,
Mama. I'm too tensed up.
Honestly, I don't know
why I even bother.
Say, uncle Vint, I need
to ask your advice...
about a girl.
Not this mornin', Bubba.
I got female problems of my own.
Bubba, I'd be happy
to help you out.
No, thanks, Grandma.
Every time you
start givin' me advice
you always end up yellin'.
I do no such thing!
What's the problem?
Well, there's this girl in
my homeroom, Andrea...
she works down at the donut hut.
I want her to ask me
to the Twerp dance.
What the hell is a Twerp dance?
It's a dance at school where
the girls ask the boys out.
I tell you, these women
libbers have gone nuts.
A man is not
supposed to sit at home
and wait for the phone to
ring. That's a woman's job.
I know that Grandma, but see...
Just what kind of girl
would go chasin' after a boy?
I don't want you goin' out
with this pushy, little twerp.
Thanks for the advice, Grandma.
Any time, baby.
Alright, Vinton,
what's buggin' you?
Oh, Mama, that rumor down at
the shop turned out to be true.
Kwik-keys is gonna be taken over
by a big conglomerate... A
company named "Bernice".
Bernice? Doesn't
she make ketchup?
She started out as ketchup,
then she became luggage
and insurance and
amusement parks.
But was Bernice-land
enough for her?
No-o-o-o-o-o!
Now she wants to
be Kwik-keys, too.
Does this mean we'll get
a discount on ketchup?
What it means is that there's
gonna be a big shake-up
and I'm probably
gonna lose my job!
Do you really think so?
Of course! That's what happens
when them big
conglomerates take over!
Thanks a lot, Bernice!
Gee, and she looks
so nice on the label.
Has Vinton gone?
Yes, he had breakfast
when it was served.
What have you been doin'?
Waitin' for room service?
I am late for work, Ms. Harper.
I don't have time for
breakfast... or your sarcasm.
You certainly got up on
the wrong side of the bed.
It's none of your business
what happens in my bed!
Well, my, my. Ain't we touchy?
You would be touchy, too,
if your marriage
was falling apart!
Good lord! Teenage vixens,
conglomerate takeovers,
crumblin' marriages...
This could be an
episode of "Dynasty".
Isn't this fun?
I just love double-coupon day.
Yeah, if you got decent coupons.
Here, you want this
one? It's for rain forest.
Rain forest... Is that
a room freshener?
It says, "For when you need
to be a more feminine you."
What is it?
It's 50 cents off.
Take it or leave it.
Shoot, I'll take it just
to find out what it is.
Here. You can have these, too.
Thelma, these are the same
coupons I just traded you.
Lord, where is my mind?
I guess it's all this business
with Vint and Naomi.
Oh, are they havin' problems?
Something's gone
sour between them two.
Oh, don't tell me there's
gonna be a divorce.
Back off, Iola. I've told
you enough already.
I thought I could help.
If you wanna help, turn on
"Good Morning Raytown".
I can't stand that
Eddie Edwards.
I think he's a doll.
Besides, today he
does his library report
where he reads off the names
of people with overdue books.
Oh.
I didn't know that he
did in-depth stories.
Burt Wemley... 35 cents
and finally, Mary
Jane Youngblood...
a whoppin' $8.50.
Shame on you, Mary Jane!
Shoot! We missed it. What
else can go wrong today?
And now, Raytonians, do I
have a special treat for you.
Right here in our studio
we have the
renowned psychologist
and author of the bestseller
"What every woman ought to
know about love and marriage",
Dr. Joyce Brothers!
Don't tell me
even that Dr. Joyce
is gettin' in on
all this sex talk.
I'm sure she does
it in a lady-like way.
Dr. Brothers, what a thrill!
I mean, we've seen you
with Johnny and with Merv
and on "Bloopers
and Practical Jokes"
but here you are
with Eddie Edwards.
Tell us, Dr. Brothers, what
brings you to our fair city?
My plane broke down.
Well, the jet stream's
loss is Raytown's gain.
Dr. Brothers has agreed
to open the phone
lines to viewers.
So if any of you out there
have any real juicy questions
about love and marriage,
you just give us a call!
Where does she think she is?
Hollyweird?
People in Raytown ain't gonna
air their dirty laundry on TV.
Uh, please, please.
Please, be patient!
My phones are
ringin' off the hooks!
You're on with Eddie
and Dr. Brothers.
Oh, hi, Dr. Brothers.
I'm at my wits' end. I
hope you can help me.
Gee, that voice sounds familiar.
What seems to be
the problem, dear?
My husband... I'll
call him "Clint"...
hasn't been able to
rise to the occasion lately
if you take my meaning.
Well, what kind of a cuckoo
would blab that on TV?
This is a very common
marital problem.
Tell me, does Clint
have a high-pressure job?
Oh, yes, ma'am, he sure does.
Things are really hectic
for him down at Kwik-keys.
Kwik-keys!
It's somebody that
works with Vinton!
I see. And do you work as well?
Yes, ma'am. I'm a
career girl just like you.
I'm a checker at Food Circus.
Oh, my lord!
It's somebody who
works with Naomi!
You birdbrain, it is Naomi!
This problem in the bedroom
can come from many causes...
job pressures,
finances, in-laws...
In-laws? Did you say in-laws?
No, you don't! You ain't
gonna pin this one on me!
- I'll turn it off.
- Touch that dial and die!
Well, we do live with
my mother-in-law.
Do you know she put
us in the basement?
We should've had a room
upstairs but she gave that away
to her grandson
from reform school.
All of this has had a
terrible effect on Vint...
I mean Clint!
Thank you very much, Roselle,
but there's no need
to pay a sympathy call.
Vinton isn't dead,
for the most part.
No, of course not!
I heard it on Eddie Edwards
just like everybody
else in the Tri-state area.
No, Vinton is not
interested in a faith healer!
Well, think about it, Roselle!
This isn't somethin'
you heal in public!
You've been on the
phone all afternoon.
- What's goin' on?
- Nothin'!
How's Andrea supposed to
call me if the phone's tied up?
If Andrea wants to ask you
out, she can send a telegram
and get out of my refrigerator!
Give me that damned phone!
Hello. Well, Mertis,
what a pleasant surprise.
No, I don't know what
you're talkin' about.
No, I never watch
that Eddie Edwards.
You don't say.
Well, it must've
been somebody else.
I'm tellin' you it
was a mistake!
I heard that woman say
"Clint" with my own ears!
Who was that?
Wrong number.
Andrea's probably
given up by now.
Gee, I sure don't want to
go to the dance twerp-less.
Hey, maybe that's her. Hello.
Ha ha!
Well, who is it?
It's a bunch of guys laughin'
and singin' "I Can't
Get No Satisfaction".
Hang up that phone!
Well, I think I'll head on
down to the Donut Hut
and wait for Andrea
to get off work.
What about dinner?
Grandma, this is a
matter of life and death.
I don't have time
to think about food.
Did you have a nice day, Naomi?
Yes, thank you, Ms.
Harper. It was fine.
Where are you
goin' in such a hurry?
Why don't you come on in
here and keep me company?
Actually, I don't feel
much like chattin' right now.
This'll only take a minute.
I got a little question
I'd like to ask you.
Oh, alright. What is it?
Have you no decency?
Have you no shame?
Have you no brain in that
frizz-pot head of yours?!
That's more than one question.
How could you pull
a stunt like this...
Gettin' on TV and
talkin' about stuff
that would make
Phil Donahue blush?
I guess you heard.
The whole town heard!
My phone has been
ringin' off the wall!
I got a call from a woman
who lives down the street
I thought died years ago!
How could you
pull a stunt like this?
I was desperate! I
had to talk to someone!
Why didn't you come to me?
I couldn't talk to you
about somethin' like this.
It's too personal, too intimate!
Oh, I see... you
can't talk to me
so you go and blab it to
every yahoo in Raytown!
Oh, you don't suppose
Vinton heard, too, do you?!
Naomi!
Oh.
I think there's a
distinct possibility.
You have destroyed the
sanctity of our basement!
Oh, honey, I know you're upset
but it's not as bad as it seems!
That's right. Nobody
knows it was you.
Hello.
No, this is not the
deadbolt of Kwik-keys!
Swiss steak?
Tater tots?
See, I told you dinner
would cheer us up.
Knock, knock!
Sorry for bargin' in.
I hope I'm not disturbin'
anyone's dinner.
No, it's okay. We just hit
a lull in the conversation.
I just came over 'cause I
made too much dessert.
Well, how thoughtful.
- Wasn't that nice of Iola?
- Uh-huh.
It was nothin'.
Why don't you pull
up a chair and join us?
Don't mind if I do. Oh,
you're havin' Swiss steak.
What a treat. Ooh,
and Asparagus. Mmm.
They had the best
recipe for Asparagus
the other day on the
Eddie Edwards show.
Of course, I never
watch that show.
I don't know anyone who does.
Do you, Clint... Vint!
Well, I-I guess
I better be goin'.
Good idea. Thanks for the pie.
My pleasure. You don't
have to get up for me.
Goodnight, Iola!
Uh, I mean, I-I'm sure that
you could if you wanted to.
Up, down... makes
no difference to me.
I said goodnight!
Now you see what you've done?
I can't even eat Swiss steak
without people
feelin' sorry for me!
How could you
humiliate me like this?
You're humiliated?
Well, how do you
think I feel every night!
Oh, for Heaven's sakes,
Naomi! Give the man a break.
Even Johnny Carson gets
a night off once in a while.
Would you just stay out of it?
You've done enough damage!
- Me?
- Yes.
Dr. Brothers said
this was your fault!
She did not!
She would have if they
hadn't had a commercial break!
Mama was to blame?
Mama, what have you done?
This is one problem you are
not gonna lay at my doorstep!
I don't care what that
show-biz shrink says!
- Who you callin'?
- I am callin' K-Ray!
The station has to know how
to get in touch with Dr. Brothers.
She can't point an accusin'
finger at me and then skip town!
She doesn't even know me!
After I'm through with her,
she's gonna rue the day we met!
Hello?
I'm tryin' to reach
Dr. Joyce brothers.
This is the president
of her fan club.
Flight 12 for Jackson,
Orlando, and Miami
now boardin' at Gate 6.
Vinton, Naomi... there she is.
Hold it right there!
Doc, I got a bone
to pick with you!
- I beg your pardon.
- I am Thelma Harper.
And these are
members of my family
whose lives you've ruined...
My son Vinton, and his wife,
Naomi... Clint and Salome.
You're the woman who called
me on the show this morning.
That's right! Oh, honey,
she remembers me!
Could you hold it down, please?
What seems to be the problem?
I'll tell you what
the problem is.
You have turned my son's
condition into a media event
and accordin' to
you, it's my fault!
I want you to sit him down
and straighten him out!
Mama!
Mrs. Harper, it's nobody's
fault, and it isn't a problem
that can be solved
in a single phone call.
There may be so
many factors involved
it would take me time
to get the whole picture.
That's why we're here.
My plane leaves in
just a few minutes.
Then let's cut the chit-chat
and get down to business!
Alright. I'll do what I can.
You'll do just fine, Joyce.
Vint, Naomi, sit down.
Beat it! This is a
medical emergency!
How long have you been
experiencing this problem?
Every night for two weeks.
Two weeks? Is that all?
That isn't bein'
out of commission
that's bein' married!
Ms. Harper, would you let
Dr. Brothers talk, please?
I think you both
need a lot of patience.
And, Vint, you must remember
that practically every
man at some point in his life
has a problem performing.
Joyce, you are so right.
This exact same thing
happened to my husband, Carl.
Of course, I
considered it a blessin'.
Vint, tell me
are you having
problems on the job?
Do you experience
stress on your job?
Well, no, not at all.
I just am worried all the
time about gettin' fired.
Flight 103 now
boarding for Lubbock.
Freeze! You ain't
givin' us the bum's rush.
You sit back down
and get this settled.
Naomi, I remember
you said something
about a mother-in-law problem.
There you go blamin' the mother!
She put them on
the pot too soon,
she took them off too early!
364 days out of the year
you blame her for everything
that's wrong in the world!
Then on mother's
day, out of guilt
you slap a corsage on her chest
and let her order
anything she wants
at the house of pancakes!
Do you realize
that you wouldn't be
the high-falutin'
person you are today
if it wasn't for your mother?
I love my mother.
Sure. I bet she doesn't
make you live in the basement!
You know what I think?
You need a nice vacation
away from all the
pressures of your job.
Now, there you go!
We could all go up
to Lake Rayawatchee!
Mrs. Harper, they
need a vacation alone.
They wouldn't even
know I was there.
Listen, you two...
sometimes when you do
something wild and exciting
it freshens up the marriage.
You're in an airport...
Why don't you just fly
away for the weekend
to someplace so
exciting and wild?
Hey, what a great idea.
Honey, we could go to
Hinckley for the Peanut festival!
Let's do it! Let's make
the reservations right now.
Oh, baby!
Thanks a lot, doc. I'm
feelin' better already.
- Oh, I'm so glad.
- Me too!
Oh, I'll never be able
to thank you enough!
Come on, Skeeter!
You know, Joycie, if you ever
decide to give up psychology
you'd make one
hell of a travel agent.
Thank you.
As long as you're givin'
out all the free advice
there's a little somethin'
I've been wonderin' about.
What is it, Thelma?
Well, I was
wonderin'... Wonderin'...
Are those shoes as
comfortable as they look?
Are those Cobbie Coddlers?
You know that isn't the question
you're dying to ask me.
Well, I was just wonderin'...
isn't it true that when
you get to be my age
all this hanky-panky
business is over?
No, not at all. If you
don't use it, you lose it.
Uh-oh.
Thelma, here's my home number.
If Vint and Naomi need
it at any time in the future
have them call, and I think
you ought to read my book.
I think you'd find
it enlightening.
Oh, "What Every Woman Ought
To Know About Love And Marriage".
Does this come with
a plain brown wrapper?
Flight 103... final
boarding to Lubbock.
Get the lead out, Joycie.
You're gonna miss your plane.
Thelma, before I go...
If Vint and Naomi
have any more problems
let me leave you with
some words of wisdom...
butt out.
Did you see her?
Dr. Joyce Brothers... a
close, personal friend.
Picture doesn't do justice.
She's prettier in person.
Have a good flight,
Joycie. We'll be in touch.
Well, Vint and Naomi
are off to Hinckley.
Bubba's out
dancin' with a twerp.
Guess it's just you
and me, Joycie.
See what you got here.
"The humiliatin'
7-second encounter"...
Sounds like my honeymoon.
"The older woman
and the younger man"!
Good lord!
"Takin' the ho-hum out of sex".
Well, now, just
a minute, Joycie.
I don't mind losin' the "ho"
but the "hum" was the
only part I could stand.