Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 5 - Soup to Nuts - full transcript

Mama, Naomi, and Iola have a chili cookoff, forcing Vint into the unenviable task of judging which most deserves inclusion in the church cookbook.

Are you still workin' on
that church cookbook?

Yeah, I most certainly am.

I am the editor in chief.

I have a 5 o'clock
deadline at the printer's.

I'm under a lot of pressure
too. I'm waitin' for the mailman.

Oh, lord, Bubba, how will
you cope with the stress?

I'm serious, Grandma.

It's been four weeks since I've
had a letter from mom and dad.

You know how much
their letters mean to me.

I know exactly how
much, 30 bucks.

Grandma, I'll just die if I
don't get that allowance.



I need $27.43 today!

Bubba, get a glass. How
many times have I told you that

drinkin' out of the
carton is unhealthy.

It leaves all kinda nasty things

just waitin' to crawl down
other people's throats!

You're right, Grandma.

What may I ask, do
you need $27 for?

And 43 cents. A magneto.

A mag-what-o?

A magneto! It's an
engine part I need

so I can get Uncle Vint's
motorbike runnin' again.

I'm takin' it on my date
tonight with Melody Ledbetter.

You just, Bubba
Higgins, you be careful.

Your Uncle Vinton once had
a near miss on that dang thing.



Cheryl Drabble was
his girlfriend at the time.

She had 16 stitches in her
legs. She's still got the scar.

To this day, she has to
wear opaque pantyhose.

I'll be careful,
Grandma. I promise.

I wouldn't want anything
to happen to Melody's legs.

You keep your mind
on the road, Jack!

Tomato surprise. Tomatoes,
Mayonnaise, and Salt.

Well, surprise, surprise.

Mornin', Miss Editor in
Chief. Your assistant is here.

Well, it's about time, Iola.

Oh, my! What a
large pile of recipes.

Well, this here's
just my rejects.

I call it, "my pile
of heartache."

It's a shame the way these women

keep trying to outdo each
other with complicated recipes.

Isn't that the truth?
That's why I'm stickin'

to somethin' simple this year.

Me, too. Nothin'
can top my chili.

Wait just minute. I'm
usin' my recipe for chili.

I got it right here under
"South of the border."

Well, I guess there's
nothin' I can do.

You are the Editor in Chief.
I am merely the assistant.

On second thought,
Iola, you go ahead.

You saved the category for
yourself, Thelma. You take it.

I'll just give you my
recipe for icebox cookies.

- Taken.
- Then I'll do the bean salad.

Taken. I got your two,
three, and five-bean.

- Seven?
- Forget it, Iola.

Why don't you submit
your Blueberry Muffins?

It's the best thing you make.

It's a mix!

Ah-Ooh! I bet you
can't catch me!

Ha Ha Ha! I caught ya.

- Oh!
- Mwah!

Oh, I just love how
that sun makes me feel!

Just gets my blood churnin'.

Ha ha ha mine, too.

Oh, hi, Iola. You oughta get
out in the sun more yourself.

You're lookin' awful pasty.

I was blessed with
milky-white skin.

I plan to keep it that way.

Iola's right. You
keep soakin' up

the sun the way you do, Naomi,

and in 10 more years you'll be
washin' face with saddle soap.

Well, you two are just jealous.

I don't know how you
stand in this dark kitchen

when it's such a
gorgeous day outside.

Well, that's what
Saturdays are for, Skeeter.

Everybody's entitled to
do just what they want.

What they do best.

Mama and Iola are in the kitchen

because cookin' is
what they're good at.

And you... well,
you... heh heh... you.

You're good at...

tannin'.

I think I have to go downstairs
and take a hot, steamy shower

try to wash some of this oil off
of my body. You wanna help me?

You bet. That's
what I'm good at.

Hold it! Before you two

set your shower
massage on pulsate

take your laundry down.

We're busy here.

Thelma's busy. I'm just
takin' up valuable space.

Oh, Iola, crawl
down off your cross!

Just give me your damn recipe!

I wouldn't give it to you
not if my life depended on it.

Everybody knows I make
the best chili in town, anyway.

Says you, in your
biased opinion.

I am merely statin'
a fact. Right, Vinton?

Hmm? Oh, yeah. You
make one mean chili, mama.

I'm sure she does, but
you will recall, Vinton

that you said my chili was
even better than your mama's.

- When?
- When?

At old pioneers' day picnic.

Oh, honey, you never
told me that you went

to the old pioneers'
day picnic with Iola.

Oh, shoot, baby.

That was when we were
sophomores in high school.

That was nothin'.

But it was terrific chili.

Naturally! everything
tastes better outdoors!

Specially my chili!

I happen to make the best
darn chili in the whole world.

At least that's
what I've been told.

You'd be surprised what people
will say when they're drunk.

- I never knew you could cook.
- Me neither.

Well, of course I can cook

good enough for any
church bazaar cookbook.

In fact, Ms. Harper, if you
really want the best recipe

you'll use mine.

That's real nice of
you to offer, Naomi.

But we already
got the best recipe.

No, Thelma, we have yours.

And just who says
yours is so good?

Vint!

He was a teenager.
He'd eat anything!

I know my husband.

I know he'd like
my chili the best.

Oh, don't make me laugh.
Vinton knows I am the best cook.

Who's been cookin' for him
ever since he was a baby?

The Editor in Chief,
that's who! Right, Vinton?

- Vint?
- Vint?

Uh... I think I'll go see
what Bubba's up to.

Well, I guess that settles that.

Ohh. Phew!

The old cushpin sure
looks good, Bubba.

Well, it's comin' along.

All I need now is my
allowance for that magneto

and then the rest of
my life is smooth sailin'!

Got a big date tonight, huh?

Gonna show off your new wheels?

Just between me
and you, Uncle Vint.

Melody Ledbetter
won't go out with me

except I told her I
had this cushpin.

Well, you know what they say
about motorcycles and women.

Not exactly.

What do they say about
motorcycles and women?

Ew, you know.

Yeah?

Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Yeah!

- Ye-e-e-ah!
- Ye-e-e-ah!

Uh.

Say, Uncle Vint, there's
somethin' I need to ask you

as long as we're
on the, uh, subject

of motorcycles
and women and all.

Shoot!

What's a guy supposed to
do about, um... protection?

I'm glad you asked that, Bubba.

You see, in my day,
we didn't use protection.

We just accepted the risk,
and we took it like a man.

Whoa!

But we were wrong. Now, if
you're going to act like a man

you got to take
responsibility like a man.

Whoa!

And protection is somethin'

a man should keep
on his mind at all times.

Well, I-I know it's on mine.

All it takes is
one little accident

and you are ruined for life.

- Whoa!
- Take it from me, Bubba.

Don't even think about
going out there without...

your protection.

And, uh, see to it that
Melody's got a helmet, too.

Hey, men! Thought maybe
you'd like some lemonade.

Ahhh.

Oh, what an adorable motorbike!

It's a scooter, Skeeter.

Well... Did you women
pick the winnin' recipe?

- Not yet.
- We're havin' a chili cook-off.

Yeah. We're each gonna
make our own recipe.

Oh, that's a good idea.

And then you're gonna
decide which one's the best.

Okay. Now, we all
have a 5-quart pot.

We all have an identical
burner on the same stove.

We all have one
large butcher knife

One bonin' knife,
one parin' knife

One soup ladle, one
great big spoon for stirrin'...

Oh, put a sock in it, Naomi!

We've all got the same utensils.

That's right. It's
the ingredients that

make the chili not the pot.

I know I only buy the best
ingredients for my recipe.

Ditto.

Oh, my gosh. I left my groceries
in my car in that hot trunk!

Well, looky, there. That
one's got a little bruise.

Well, at least mine's red.

I wouldn't put a
pink tomato in chili.

Johnson's beans.

Wouldn't use anything but.

Huh! Bay leaves in a jar?

And what is wrong with that?

Nothing, if you trust
somebody else's judgment.

A bay leaf is a bay leaf
whether you get it from the jar

or you crawl up the tree
and yank it off the branch!

Oh! I had no idea
chili could be so heavy.

Let's cook!

Canned chili? You
can't use canned chili.

Why not? It's my
main ingredient.

That ain't
cookin'. It's heatin'.

It's two o'clock in the
afternoon, and still no mail!

Boy! When I was in juvenile
hall if we had a message

all we'd have to do was give
a cigarette to one-eyed Joe

he'd deliver it in three
minutes, anywhere.

The U.S. postal service
should use that as an example.

For cryin' out loud,
Bubba. That is just fine.

That's all I need, is my
gas bill bein' delivered

by a one-eyed axe murderer.

Uh... you know,
girls... I've been thinkin'.

Uh, I don't think it's fair

for one person
to judge the chili.

We oughta have a
whole panel of judges.

Get out of the kitchen, Vinton.

Maybe all three recipes
could be in the cook book.

- Get out.
- Who needs chili in a cookbook?

Out!

Alright, ladies,
time's wastin' here.

Let's get them bosoms
over the burners.

Ooh! Anybody want a beer?

Tear one off for me.

Lord. It's hot enough
to choke a snake.

How 'bout you, Iola?

No. My family does not
believe in drinkin', as you know.

Every time I cook
chili it reminds me

of when Vinton
was a little baby.

He'd sit up in his highchair

bang his spoon against his
bowl and yell, "chiwi! chiwi!"

As soon as I'd pull out
the Johnson's beans

he'd be there tuggin' at my
skirt, yellin', "chiwi! chiwi!"

Lord, that baby
loved his "chiwi."

I remember the first
time I ever cooked chili.

It was for my first
husband, Tommy Lee.

I was 17 years old at the time.

And he was just
your first husband?

Ever since, new men in my
life has inspired a new ingredient

Sort of like a charm bracelet.

Yes! Rick just
loved his beer nuts.

Leonard was a fanatic
about the Beef Jerky.

And George was
a real Frito freak.

What's the last
ingredient, Penicillin?

My daddy loved chili.

But my mother
would never cook it.

She always said spicy foods
were the work of the devil.

So for my brownie
merit badge, I made chili.

I was so happy!

I left this big bowl
on the kitchen table,

went upstairs to tell my daddy.

When we got back
down, it was gone.

Mother had dumped
the chili down the drain.

And cleaned the bowl.

And daddy said,
"where's my chili?"

He thought I had played
a cruel joke on him.

Mother had no right to do that!

That was my chili!

- Now, Iola.
- I made that with my own hands!

Oh, Lord! She's
havin' one of her spells.

I never even got my merit badge.

No, Iola, you know
what your shrink said

about gettin' all riled up.

My... It's warm in here.

I do believe I'll step
outside for some fresh air.

- Beer, anyone?
- Good idea.

All this excitement's flat
taken the edge off my buzz.

Alright, Vinton.
Get on over here.

Your neck's on the
choppin' block now.

We have three bowls of
chili marked, as you can see

"A" "B" and "C."

I brought you some
saltine crackers, honey.

- "C."
- Will you knock it off!

Both of you with the cheatin'!

Alright, baby doll.

Time to judge the "chiwi."

Why me? Why me?

Mama always has
to ruin everything!

All I need from that woman
is $27.43 for my magneto

and what do I get?

A postcard with a
picture of an alligator

made out of bottle caps!

Well, would you look at
that? It's got itty-bitty teeth.

Never mind that! Just read it!

"Dear Bubba, weather
fine. Hope you are, too.

"Love, mom.

"P.S. Sorry. Can't
send allowance.

"Daddy and I went in big on
the daily double at the dog track."

Why me? Why me? This is
just one rejection too many...

Oh, now, Bubba,
for goodness' sake.

Here. I'll give you
your damn 30 bucks.

Thanks, grandma!

Now, go on. Get your magneto
before I change my mind.

Okay, okay!

Hey, you! You owe
me a ride on that sucker.

Okay!

You know, mama, I'm a
little short this week myself...

Shut up and judge the chili!

Vinton!

Well?

Well, they're all good.

They're all the
best I ever tasted.

- Vinton!
- Ow!

Alright, well, uh...

I'll just have to go
with, uh... chili "B."

Chili "B"?

- I mean chili "C."
- Chili "C"?

Chili "A."

He definitely
said chili "B" first.

And "B" is mine! Oh!

I'm gonna take some
of this prize-winnin' chili

home to my daddy!

And this time, mother,
you just try to stop me!

Oh, for heaven's sake! It
was just an old chili contest.

Pipe down. Vinton was
tryin' to take into consideration

that poor, pitiful soul

livin' her pathetic life
over there with her parents.

I'm real proud of you,
baby. Now, who really won?

Huh?

Yeah, we know Iola's
was just a mercy pick.

Which one of these
two is the best?

Well, just like the two of you

each one is impossible
to improve upon.

So, what could be better
than a combination of both?

What the hell are
you doin', Vinton?

Yes, Sir! Boy! This
has got to be the best!

Vinton, that better be
Naomi's half you're gaggin' on.