Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 7 - Cat's Meow - full transcript

Hey, will you look at this?

Atlas Storage is
havin' a big sale

on unclaimed
trunks this Saturday.

No kiddin'. Honey, we
gotta get down there early.

I swear, all somebody has to
do is put an ad in the paper sayin'

"Callin' all idiots," and
you two are first in line.

Mornin', everybody.

- Good mornin', sleepyhead.
- Bubba.

I'm tellin' you mama
it's like buried treasure.

You never know what you're
gonna find in them locked-up trunks.

I heard about a guy once who
found a dead body in a trunk.



All cut up.

Oh, rush on down there, Vinton.
Maybe you can get one of them.

Hold it right there, mister.

You got your
cornflakes on my gusset.

- On your what?
- On my gusset.

Good Lord, this is part of the
sleeve of the dress I'm makin'.

Dress? I thought she
was makin' a bedspread.

This is gonna be my
brand-new dressy dress.

Inverted pleats on a drop waist

with genuine
mother-of-pearl buttons.

Yeah, what's the occasion?

The annual church
choir fundraiser.

I was thinkin' about
reservin' a table for all of us.

Darn it, I have to work
late that night. When is it?



This Saturday.

Oh, gee, grandma. I can't go.

I have a hot date
at the drive-in.

What are you gonna
do at the drive-in

that you can't do at church?

Don't answer that.

I can't go either,
mama, I'm savin' money

to pay you the
rent when it's due.

- It was due three weeks ago.
- There, you see?

If you don't have
money to give the church

then you surely don't
have for some trunk.

- Well, we were just gonna look.
- Well, fine.

This is just another
church fundraiser

I'm gonna have to
go to all by myself.

Everybody in the congregation
wonderin' why I'm sittin'

at that big table all alone
in such a beautiful dress.

What about Iola?
Isn't she goin'?

No, she won't go no place
now that her cat's so sick.

Midnight is sick?

Well, I can't say
my heart bleeds.

That's the meanest
cat I ever saw.

You talkin' about
that ratty, black cat

- that chases after cars?
- That's the one.

That cat waits in the bushes,
and then when you pass by

he shoots out and
attacks your ankles.

That is a regular
puss from hell.

You know, the postman won't
even walk up to Iola's porch.

He just throws the
mail on the lawn.

I once made the
mistake of pettin' him.

Don't ever do that.

Sunk his fangs
right into my wrist.

I swear, if Iola hadn't
called him home for supper

I'd be makin' this dress
with a tomcat on my arm.

I don't know how
Iola can stand that cat.

Oh, she's blind to it, and
now that Midnight's so sick

there's just no
livin' with Iola.

She's over here
every hour on the hour

with medical
updates on that cat.

Last thing I wanna hear
is a lab report on a furball.

Anyway, thank the Lord
you'll all be here today

when she comes by to help
me change the subject, right?

I said, "Thank goodness,
you're gonna be here

when she drop by..."

Get back in here, you deserters.

If this was the army, I
could have 'em all shot.

Look at this, Bessie.

Are we gonna look
nice in this or what?

I saw Joan Collins in this
exact same fabric on "Dynasty."

Except there weren't
quite this much of it.

Okay, let's get this
show on the road here.

"Pin interfaced
arms side double "A"

"to bodice front
right double "C"

"and baste to center back
"F" cuttin' fabric on the bias."

Good Lord, don't you just
know a man wrote this?

Let's just do it our way.

Okay, sweetie pie. Suck her in.

Here we go.

Got your...

Well, what the...

Well, good Lord, Bessie.
What the hell you been doin'?

The Jane Fonda workout?

Knock, knock.

Thelma, I have to talk to you.

Iola, I am right in the
middle of makin' a dress.

I do not have time to sit with
you and jaw about that cat.

- He died.
- Oh, sweetie.

I'm so sorry.

Come on in here. Sit down.

Tell me all about it.

Well, I knew somethin'
was wrong the minute

the postman made it
all the way to the porch.

I ran outside and found
Midnight starin' up at him

like he could care less.

That sure doesn't
sound like Midnight.

Well, I scooped him up
and rushed him to the vet.

Poor little thing
barely had the strength

to bite the nurse's finger.

Then he took a, sort
of half-hearted swat

at the doctor's nose
and died mid-hiss.

Well, he did live a
long, full, scrappy life.

I don't know how I'll
break this to mother.

What with her high
blood pressure and all.

Well, you could do
it gradually, like...

crossin' cat food
off the grocery list.

Mother loved Midnight so.

Oh, please, don't tell anyone.
It would break her heart

to hear it from a stranger.

My lips are sealed.

Oh, Thelma.

He's gone, he's gone, he's gone.

Oh, now, Iola, you
got to snap out of this.

You got to carry on.

Midnight would have
wanted it that way.

- He would have?
- Yes, indeed-y.

I'll tell you what? You come
to the choir fundraiser with me.

Re-enter the mainstream of life.

Oh, no, I'm not up to that
sort of gala social event.

Well, how about lendin' a
hand to somebody who is?

I've only got till Saturday
to finish this thing.

It's for the choir fundraiser.

Don't you just love this fabric?

- Very nice.
- I'm tellin' ya.

In this dress, I'm gonna
be the cat's meow.

Oh!

Midnight!

Well, that's the last
time I try to cheer her up.

Oh, what's keepin' Naomi?
We gotta get to that sale

before all the good
trunks are taken. Naomi!

Alright, baby.

I'll be ready to go as
soon as I change purses.

Oh, hurry up, Aunt
Naomi, I can't wait to get

my hands on that fortune.

On a third of that fortune.

Bubba, now, whatever
we find in that trunk

is gonna get split three ways.

- Yeah, now, come on, come on.
- Alright.

We've got to get out before
mama finds out what we're up to.

- What are you three up to?
- Nothin'.

- Nothin'.
- Nothin'.

Good, you can
take me to the mall.

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss
Harper, but our nothin's

in the opposite direction.

- Catch ya later, grandma.
- Bye, mama.

Well, I swear, I ought to
hire myself out as a magician.

Every time I open my
mouth, my family disappears.

Whoo, would you look
at this dress? I tell ya.

I'm gonna be the talk of the
choir fundraiser in this thing.

Them baritones
are gonna go wild.

Knock, knock.

Thelma, I came to tell you

that I will go with you
to the fundraiser tonight.

I'm glad to see you've decided
to join the land of the livin'.

That's because I realized I
didn't really lose Midnight.

That's true, because you always
have your memories of him.

I have a surprise for you,
Thelma. Close your eyes.

Oh, for pity's sake, Iola.

Oh, come on, Thelma. Be a sport.

Well, alright, alright.
My eyes are closed.

- Okay, no peekin' there.
- I ain't peekin'.

And hurry up.

This better be good.

Okay, open your eyes now.

I knew you'd be surprised.

Didn't they do a
great job on Midnight?

Now, be honest, Thelma.
What do you really think?

Good Lord, Iola.

You had him stuffed?

Of course not, I would
never do that to my cat.

I had him freeze-dried.

Freeze-dried?

You mean like them
little coffee crystals?

Well, it's the same principle

except you don't
add the hot water.

It's the latest thing
in pet preservation.

Well, what will
they think of next?

And why did they think of this?

Go ahead, Thelma.
Pet him. He won't bite.

- Well, that will be a first.
- Go on.

Oh, Lord!

What is this? Your
idea of a joke?

It's the deluxe model
with the activated meow.

Yeah.

Well, I hope he isn't
a Betsy Wetsy too.

No, just watch.

Now, all you got to do
is apply a little pressure...

and then pet a little faster.

Get that thing out of here.

Well, fine, I'll just take him
home and surprise mother.

Have you lost your marbles?
That old woman's blood pressure

is gonna go through the roof if
you spring Kitty Ruxpin on her.

Perhaps you're right. Better
go home, prepare her...

Well, whatever you do,
don't tell her to close her eyes.

- I'll be back in a jiff.
- Iola!

Good Lord!

That woman is
a livin' loony tune.

Oh, Iola! Get back in here

and take this
talkin' stiff with you.

Iola, this cat is not
stayin' in this house.

Here, Midnight. You
just sit right there.

Try not to scare my flamingos.

Okay, Uncle Vint, you're
comin' to the stairs now.

- Take it nice and slow.
- Yeah, yeah.

Easy, darlin'. Don't drop it.

There might be
crystal or China in here.

Relax, we hauled this
thing all the way from Atlas.

We're not about to drop it now.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Oh, honey, are you alright?

I think so.

Vinton, what was that?

It sounded like a cat.

Oh, no, it's Midnight.

- Is he okay?
- I don't know.

What do you think?

Honey, you killed him.

Wow, Rigor Mortis
has already set it.

- Don't put him near me!
- Oh, boy!

- Mama's gonna kill us.
- If she doesn't, Iola will.

W-w-we gotta get out of this.

I ain't goin' back to
Juvenile Hall for murder.

Now, calm down, everybody.
Just calm down, calm down.

All we've got to do is
come clean and tell the truth.

Honesty is the best policy. Ooh!

We could bury him
and say he ran away.

Now you're talkin'.

Vint, what is all that
racket out there?

- Nothin'.
- Nothin'.

- Nothin'.
- Stay right there.

- I'm comin' out.
- Oh, boy.

Naomi, quick, get the shovel.

Bubba, we got to bury this cat

and hide this trunk
before mama sees it.

Oh, follow me, you birdbrain.

Well, don't call me
birdbrain, you cat killer.

I'm warnin' you, Bubba.

Alright, you three.

It's time for a Raytown
fashion preview.

A Thelma Harper original.

Ta-da!

Well, hell's bells. They've
all disappeared again.

So has Midnight.

Midnight!

Midnight.

Midnight.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Get a grip on yourself,
Thelma. You're callin' a dead cat.

Yoo-hoo, Thelma.

Uh-oh, the kitty litter's
gonna hit the fan.

Thelma.

Thelma.

Who's there?

- It's Iola.
- Iola who?

Iola Lucille Boylan.
Now, open the door.

May I come in?

What for?

I was gonna make lunch before
I told mother about Midnight

and I realized I'm out of bread.

So?

So I thought I'd
borrow a few slices.

I just ran out of bread.

Why don't you
open a can of soup?

I have bouillon.
What kind do you got?

I'm out of soup.

Thelma, you sure are actin'
strange. You're so on edge.

Well, I always act this way
when I'm out of bread and soup.

I'll just make mother a salad.

- I'm out of tomatoes too.
- Alright, Thelma.

Say, uh, Iola, uh, about
your cat, Midnight...

Well, when they
activated his meow

did they activate anything else?

Like what?

Well, like his little
head or his little tail?

- Or his little legs?
- What do you mean?

Well, what I mean is,
could he crawl or walk

or run off a front porch?

Of course n...

Wait a minute, now I know

why you're actin' this
way, Thelma Harper.

- You do?
- Of course.

You are wearin'
your brand-new dress

and I haven't said
a word about it.

- It's just lovely.
- Fine, fine, fine.

Go toss your
mother's damn salad.

Okay, Thelma, now, think.

Somewhere out
there on the prowl...

is a freeze-dried cat.

I hate that thought.

Okay, now, hold it down, you
guys, so mama doesn't hear.

- Okay.
- I say we open it now.

No, later, Bubba, we gotta
hide this thing in the closet

while mama's still
out on the porch.

- Uncle Vint.
- The answer is no.

Honey, behind you.

I know where the closet
is. I've lived here all my life.

- Can I open that door for you?
- Yeah, thanks, mama, I...

M-mama!

Is that one of them
unclaimed trunks?

Not anymore. We claimed it.

You get that junk
outta my livin' room.

You don't know where it's been.

For that matter,
where have you been?

We didn't touch that cat.

Honey!

Real cool, Uncle Vint.

Alright, what have you three
goons done with Midnight?

Well, I guess we'd better
come clean and tell the truth.

Yeah, well, what
happened is we scared him

and he just took off runnin'.

- Runnin'?
- Yeah.

And he went so fast, we
couldn't even catch him, could we?

No, greased lightnin'.

You mean to tell me the three
of you couldn't outrun a dead cat?

Oh, my God, Vinton. She knows.

- It was Uncle Vint's fault.
- It was an accident.

- I didn't mean to kill him.
- You didn't.

- I did.
- You didn't.

- He did.
- He didn't!

- Yes, he did.
- Will you pipe down?

You pea-brains!

Nobody killed him.
He was already dead.

Preserved. Freeze-dried.

Freeze-dried?

You mean like them
little coffee crystals?

Don't you people keep
up? It is the latest thing.

Get him back in here
before Iola blows a gasket.

- We can't.
- And why not?

- We buried him.
- In the ground?

- Where else?
- We even said a little prayer.

Well, dig him up and
get him in this basket

before Iola finds out or they're
gonna be sayin' prayers over us.

Knock, knock. It's
Iola Lucille Boylan.

Thelma, I have wonderful news.

Hi, Iola.

Bye, Iola.

It's so nice to see
such a close-knit family.

Yeah, they're thick as thieves.

So, what's your wonderful news?

When I got home, I
decided not to wait for lunch

but to tell mother
then and there.

Then and there, huh?
H-how'd she take it?

Oh, really well, I explained
to her that it was just like

what Roy Rogers
had done to Trigger.

Except Midnight
won't have a saddle.

That's real nice, Iola.

Well, "Happy Trails" to you.

I'm not leavin'
without Midnight.

Mother's waitin' to see him.

You know, I have always wondered

how did you come up
with that name, Midnight?

Because he's black.

Well, I know that, but
you could've named him

Blackie, or Sooty,
or... Ebony, or...

Inky, or Sable, like that
woman on "The Colbys."

- Thelma...
- Did you watch it? I loved it.

I would never miss anything
with Charlton Heston.

He was Moses and Ben-Hur

and he acts just
as good in a suit.

Thelma, I want my cat now.

Vinton, Iola wants her cat now.

Okay.

Here he is, Iola.

What have you done to him?

What do you mean?

He looks horrible.

Well, he is dead.

He is covered in dirt.

I think it gives him a much more
natural appearance, don't you?

No, I do not. Just what have
you been doin' with this cat?

Some sort of Heathen ritual?

And you talk about church
choir fundraisers. Ha!

Well, don't you think
you're gettin' away with this.

I won't leave till you fork over
money to have Midnight restored.

Well, Vinton, start forkin'.

Oh, mama, where am I
gonna find that kind of cash?

We spent all our
money on that trunk.

Yes, dumb old trunk.

The trunk!

The trunk!

The trunk, our pot of gold.

Hey, Bubba, go get my toolbox.

- We'll break open the lock.
- Sure thing!

Iola, these unclaimed
trunks are the best thing.

They're like buried treasure.

I don't know what
treasure you're expecting

in a trunk with a hole.

A hole?

Well, honey, how
come we didn't see that?

They must have just
had the good side showin'.

Well, it's what's
inside that counts.

Okay, here we go.

There.

Oh, my Lord, would
you look at this?

- What is it?
- Aww!

It's a mama cat
and her baby kittens.

She must have come
through that hole in the side.

Oh, Thelma, can I hold it?

Oh!

Ow! He scratched me.

Just like Midnight.

It's a miracle. That's
what it is, it's a miracle.

Oh, Iola, the Lord giveth,
and the Lord taketh away.

He took away your Midnight

but He brung you
a little sunshine.

Aw, you sweet thing.

I think I'll call you Sunshine.

Who ever heard of callin'
a black cat Sunshine?

Will you shut up?
She's fallin' for this.

You know, Thelma, I was
wrong to try to hold on to Midnight.

It's much better to
have a real, live kitty

than a freeze-dried memory.

Words to live by.

- Aww!
- Aren't they adorable?

What are we gonna do with 'em?

Well, we said we'd divide
our treasure up three ways.

That means we each get one.

Oh, yeah. Can we keep
'em, mama, huh? Can we?

Well, I don't see why not.

I took you all in. What's
a few more strays?

Oh, this has been
one eventful day.

Boy, I'll say. How about I
make us all a cup of hot coffee?

- Oh, don't go to any trouble.
- No trouble, it's freeze-dried.

I'll just go fix some lemonade.