Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 4 - National Mama - full transcript

Now, in the seventh race, I
like the odds on this horse here.

You think one quart of this
macaroni salad will be enough?

Mama, you made enough
food for a whole army.

Are you goin' to the races too?

Don't worry, I got
better things to do

than watch a bunch of swayback
nags chase after each other.

Grandma, they're thoroughbreds.

- They're great-lookin' horses.
- Not to me.

I don't like an animal
you can see up their nose.

Hey, Skeeter, who you
got in the seventh race?

The seventh? Well, let me see.



My money's on Flyaway.

Yeah? How come?

I've got it all worked
out mathematically.

See, I take the number
seven from the seventh race

then I add my old address.

Then I divide by my
employee ID number

down at the food
circus, and I get 41.

So, I add that four and that
one, and that makes five.

Then I bet the number
five and that is Flyaway.

Baby, you've got this
down to a science.

Flyaway it is.

That's exactly what your
money's gonna do too, fly away.

You said it, grandma.

Flyaway doesn't stand a chance.



What you have to
do is get the facts.

I go with the handicappers.

AI's picks, Hank's picks,
and Mrs. Hollings' picks.

I write a point for every pony
that gets picked in the paper

then I pick the pony
with the most pick points.

It's a pretty perfect plan.

Possum pucky.

Besides, you promised
me you weren't gonna bet.

Well, I'm not.

Uncle Vint is
gonna do it for me.

Put down $2 on
Piper's Pepper to place.

Bubba, you convinced me.

I'm gonna go with
Piper's Pepper too.

That's a mistake,
honey. It's Flyaway.

This chicken sure
is good, grandma.

Well, to tell you the truth

I feel funny just even
handling this bird.

I had the weirdest
dream last night.

I was sittin' in
this chicken coop

and this big rooster
comes to me and says

"How do you want your
eggs? Scrambled or over easy?"

Gee, what did you do?

Well, I ordered over easy.

I wouldn't eat an egg
scrambled by a rooster.

Wait a minute.
Mama, look at this.

Over Easy, right here
in the seventh race

just like in your dream.

- That's who I'm gonna bet on.
- Oh, Vint, for crying out loud.

What did that rooster
know about horses?

He was a fry cook.

I'm still bettin' on Over Easy.

Come on, everybody. Let's go.

The first 200 people through
the gate get a free jacket.

Yeah, after that, you just
get a dumb-lookin' cap.

Thanks for the eats, Mama.

- So long. See you later.
- Bye, Ms. Harper.

Bye, grandma. Wish us luck.

Well... Yeah, yeah.

Good luck.

Over Easy.

No wonder he likes that name.

Probably reminds
him of his wife.

We're home, grandma.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to wake you.

I wasn't asleep. I was
just restin' my eyes.

Do you always snore when
you're restin' your eyes?

You got a pretty smart mouth

for somebody wearing the
ugliest cap I've ever seen.

So, Bubba, did you win big?

Well, my system
needs a little refinin'.

I see. Loser.

Well, what about you, Naomi?

Actually, I went to
Ray Downs to admire

the beauty of the day and the
magnificence of the horseflesh.

Uh-huh. Loser.

- Hey, Mama.
- Here comes loser number three.

I hope you've
learned your lesson

about chasin' after easy money.

I sure have, Mama,
and here... is your cut.

What are you talkin' about?

Ha ha, Over Easy.

Over Easy!

I put $4 on him to win

and he streaked across
that finish line at 25 to 1.

That is $100!

Money from horse gamblin'?

I don't know if I
should keep this.

If that's how you feel...

Hands off, you loser.

Well, Mama, if you
ever have another dream

you be sure and
tell me about it.

I dream every
time I go to sleep.

Oh, like just now, when
you were restin' your eyes?

As a matter of fact,
yes, and it was a doozy.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute!

Mama, come over
here and sit down.

Bubba, grab those racin' forms.

We are about to get
Mama's dream pick.

Vinton, I don't feel
very good about this.

You want 20%?

I don't want any part of it.

Messin' around with a person's
dreams just doesn't seem right.

Oh, come on. Where would
Jeane Dixon be if she felt like that?

Please, Mama, tell us.

I don't know how you're gonna
get a horse outta this dream.

I was back in the
fourth grade again.

Okay, everybody, fourth race.

Quit staring at me,
you're givin' me the willies.

Uh, Willy, Willy-Nilly.
Willy's boy...

Oh, can it, Vinton, there
ain't no Willy in this dream.

It was a spellin' bee in school.

It was down to me and just one
other girl Becky Sue Thompson.

But as Becky got
up for her round

she turned into Donna Mills.

Imagine a little girl
with all that eye makeup.

Anyway, Donna got her word
real easy, and then it was my turn.

And Mr. Pendergrass had
this real mean look on his face.

And he said, "Thelma,
your word is 'aggravation."'

Whoa. Aggravation in the fourth!

Oh, Mama, you
did it again. Look.

Well, son of a gun, so
that's how you spell it.

Hurry up, honey.

The race is about to start.

Let's see, now, Ray
Downs is due West.

Maybe it needs more foil.

This old radio is a joke.

I'm gonna buy me a new stereo
when Aggravation comes in.

You know what that
bookie told me today?

That we ought to concentrate
on tomorrow's exacta.

Exacta?

What is this bookie, Italian?

No, Ms. Harper.

An exacta is when you
pick which two horses

are gonna finish first
and second in the race.

Yeah, that's where you can
make the really big bucks.

For just $2, you can make
anywhere from $200 to $2,000.

Oh, Lord, it's
startin' to happen.

You're gettin'
the gamblin' fever

just like your poor
cousin Jack Dobbs.

Jack Dobbs? I
never heard of him.

That's because we
never talk about him.

- Hey, you guys, the race.
- Alright.

The flag is up...
and they're off.

Coming out of the
pack is Leprechaun

followed by Vertigo, and
he’s tailing Jet Stream.

Well, where's Aggravation?

Around the first
turn, it's Leprechaun,

Vertigo and Jet Stream
with Annie's Pal falling back.

Trailing are Bad Boy, My-Oh-My,
Jubilee, and Aggravation.

- Oh, he's dead last.
- There goes your dream theory.

And it's Leprechaun,
Vertigo, Jet Stream, and wait!

Aggravation is making a move.

He's passing My-Oh-My.
He's passing Jubilee.

- Hey.
- Come on, Aggravation.

It's Aggravation on the outside.

He's moving past Jet
Stream, closing in on Vertigo.

Come on, Aggravation. Come on.

They're reaching
the finish line.

Leprechaun and Aggravation.

And the winner is Aggravation.

Baby, we are rich!

- Thanks to you, grandma!
- Well, would you look?

I plucked my geraniums off.

But you won, Mama!

You can buy a whole
yardful of geraniums.

The hell I will. I got the gift.

We're gonna bet on
that exacta tomorrow

and we're gonna win big.

Where you goin', Ms. Harper?

Where do you
think? Up to my bed.

Mr. Sandman, bring me a horse.

Here, Ms. Harper. I made
you somethin' relaxin' to drink.

Yeah, a nice cup of warm milk.

I don't know what's so relaxin'

about a drink with skin on it.

Why don't you just go
on upstairs to bed then?

It won't do any good,
I can't get to sleep.

Every time I'm about to drop off

I tell myself to remember my
dreams and then I'm wide-awake.

Well, uh, uh...

how about countin' sheep?

I tried that, but the
damn things had saddles

and little, tiny jockeys on 'em.

You know what I do
when I can't get to sleep?

I make my mind a blank.

Vinton, why don't you make your
mind a mosquito and buzz off?

I know! Ms. Harper, you always
fall asleep watchin' the TV.

- Vinton.
- That's right.

Why don't we just switch
on the old boob tube?

Boy, you'll be sawin'
logs before you know it.

Oh, look, this is that
Deanna Durbin Festival

they're havin' on Channel 11.

Oh, great, we don't
need foil for Channel 11.

I always loved Deanna Durbin.

She was just as
cute as Judy Garland

and she could sing
so much higher.

This will be great. We'll
stay up and watch with you.

Then, when you wake up,
you can tell us your dream

and then we can find...
Hush up! Hush up!

Deanna's goin'
for her high note.

♪♪A-a-ah♪♪♪♪

Oh, Mama, what happened?

Deanna turned
out to be an heiress

and she married
her music instructor.

Imagine all that money,
and can sing so high.

You didn't sleep at all?

Not a wink.

Oh, look, the
festival's still goin' on.

"One hundred men and a girl."

I'll bet you Deanna is the girl.

No, Ms. Harper.
Now that is enough.

Deanna Durbin's
too stimulating for ya.

But in this one she starts
a symphony orchestra

the whole string section
falls in love with her.

They'll just have to
do that without you.

Off to bed you go, Mama.

I bet you drop off before
your head hits the pillow.

I know I can't
wait to get to bed.

Mmm.

Me too.

Goodnight, Mama.

Nighty-night.

That song's my favorite song.

♪♪ The world is young
it's spring again ♪♪

♪♪ And I can laugh
and sing again ♪♪

♪♪ For I know ♪♪

♪♪ It's raining sunbeams ♪♪

Sing it, Deanna.

♪♪Now that...♪♪

Who's there?

Oh, it's me, grandma.

Well, that's it. I'm
up for the night.

Thanks a lot. Where
have you been?

Oh, me and Dwayne
went over to T-Boy's

to let him hear my new stereo.

At this hour? I'll bet his
family was just thrilled.

They couldn't even hear us.
They had their TV on so loud.

It was horrible.

Some girl singin' real high.

The next time you
come back at this hour

you are grounded. Now
get on upstairs to bed.

I can't sleep on
an empty stomach.

I need a little snack.

I swear, since you
moved into this house

I haven't had to use my
garbage disposal once.

So, what were you
and Dwayne and T-Boy

talkin' about all night?

Oh, you know.

Girls, huh?

Well, not only.

I was talkin' about my future.

You know, what I
want to do with my life.

I'd like to hear the
answer to that one.

Grandma, you
wouldn't understand.

I'll tell you what I
don't understand.

Why you won't share your
life with your own lovin' family

but you will with
some juvenile misfit

and a geek with
a skin condition.

You're really interested?

Of course, I am.
I'm wide-awake now.

Well, okay.

Tonight I was talkin'
about my hopes

and my plans for the future.

I really want to be
somebody someday, grandma.

I figure that one of
the ways of doin' that

is by becomin' a millionaire.

Nothin' to that.

All it takes is one good idea.

Like that guy who made
tennis balls bright orange

so they'd be easier to
see, he's rollin' in dough.

Well, I figured I'd make
ping-pong balls black

and that would make
them harder to see

and then that would make
the game more competitive.

Of course, if that
didn't work out

I might just become a rock
star or a TV weatherman

or somethin' where I can
really make a name for myself.

What do you think, grandma?

Sweet dreams, grandma.

Oh, honey, she's asleep.

- Oh.
- And she's dreamin'.

Oh.

Oh, no. No.

No. No.

Good Lord!

Don't ever sneak up
on me when I'm in bed.

But you're not in bed.
You're at the kitchen table.

Well, I was wonderin' why
my pillow didn't have any give.

Mama, Mama, what
about your dream?

- Do you remember it?
- I'll never forget it.

It was the worst
nightmare I ever had.

- Get a racin' form.
- A racin' form.

Look up "nightmare."
"Petrified." Cup of coffee.

- Cup of coffee?
- Cup of coffee?

For me! I need to wake up.

Somewhere in my horrible
dream there's two winnin' horses.

- We're gonna find 'em.
- Coffee comin' up.

Now, Mama...

tell us the dream...
real... slow.

For God sakes, Vinton,
I'm sleepy, not stupid.

Ms. Harper, you have to tell us

exactly what happened in
the dream, in the exact order.

Because to win, we
have to name the horses

exactly as they finish.

That's why they
call it an exacta.

Vinton, you wanna
talk slow to her?

Alright. Now, here goes.

It all started in this
strange kitchen.

I was drinking water. Suddenly
the whole place started shaking.

Is there anything in there
about shakin'? Quiverin'?

Jell-O? Nell Carter?

Ms. Harper, you
just tell us the dream.

- We will find the names.
- Fine.

Anyway, this
earthquake was so bad

that the linoleum split. It
was a really nice pattern.

I wanna get somethin'
similar for this kitchen.

It was little squares...

Mama, forget the floor.
Tell us about the dream.

Alright.

Anyway, the floor opened wide up

creatin' this bottomless pit

between the stove
and the fridge.

All I could think was,
"How will I fix supper?"

It's funny the things
you think in a dream.

Supper. Well,
here's Gourmet Kid.

I never did get to cook a thing

because just at that very moment

out of this pit comes
an enormous waffle iron.

- Waffle iron?
- I'm telling you.

The name "Proctor
Silex" was this big.

Anyway, this waffle iron
has got a big, red light on it

to tell you when the iron's hot
enough. It starts comin' for me.

This red light's blinkin' and
blinkin' like a giant red eye.

Mama, you got one. Red Light.

Number four on the
exacta, Red Light!

Way to go, Ms. Harper.

Go, Red Light, go.
Mama's on a roll.

Come on now. Keep it up.

- We gotta get one more name.
- Alright, alright.

So, this waffle
iron's comin' for me

and it's snappin' its
gigantic, stainless-steel jaws.

And suddenly I
throw water on it.

And all this steam comes
up, this sizzling-hot steam.

Say no more, Mama.

Steam Heat! We got it!

Red Light and Steam Heat.

- Exacta, here we come!
- Mama, you're wonderful.

Oh, shoot. Nothin' to it.

I could do this in my sleep.

Red Light and Steam Heat. Ha ha.

Mama, you did say Red
Light first, didn't you?

Of course, a waffle iron has to
heat up before you get steam.

Don't worry, baby. I
have on my lucky earrings.

Lucky earrings?

Yeah. Every time I put 'em
on, somethin' happens to me.

Last time I wore
'em I won two tickets

to that Tom Jones concert.

Oh, I'll never forget when
he flung his bow tie at me

right in the middle
of "It's Not Unusual."

If they're so lucky how come
you don't wear 'em every day?

What, these ugly things?

You don't need a lucky charm

when your mother-in-law
has got the gift.

Mama, do you realize how
many thousands we're gonna make

when those horses come in?

The odds are incredible.

First, I'm gonna get
me a new kitchen floor.

Little black and white linoleum
squares, just like in my dream.

Oh, Bubba, hurry up and
come turn on your radio!

We're gonna miss the race!

Don't you touch it.

Oh, to hell with him.
I'm turnin' this thing on.

Grandma!

I was just checkin'
to see if it had Dolby.

Of course, it does.
It's got everything.

Well, see if it's got the race.

They're approaching
the far turn.

Oh, shoot. We missed
the start of the race.

Thanks a lot, Bubba.

And it's Red Light,
followed by Steam Heat

with Crazy Glue in third.

Come on, Red Light, Steam
Heat. Make my dream come true.

And on the corner
pole it's Red Light

Steam Heat, Crazy Glue
with Nomad, Gourmet Kid

and Checkerboard
trailing the pack.

Checkerboard,
that's what you call

that linoleum pattern
I like. Checkerboard.

And Checkerboard is moving up.

He's challenging Gourmet Kid.

He's taking on Nomad.

Mama, when did you see
that linoleum in your dream?

Well, I don't know. It was
there from the very beginnin'.

And it's Checkerboard
all the way!

He's passing Steam Heat.
He's passing Red Light.

And the winner is Checkerboard

followed by Red Light, and
Steam Heat finishing third.

I could've told you.

Even Mrs. Hollings
picked Checkerboard.

Mama, why didn't you
tell us about the linoleum?

Don't lay this at my doorstep.

I tried to tell you, but
you all wouldn't listen.

You never said it was a horse.

You said you wanted
it on your kitchen floor.

You and your dumb dreams!

Don't you shake them
ugly dice in my face.

I lost a bundle here too.

Boy, I'm sure glad I didn't
bet this time like you suckers.

Or otherwise, I wouldn't
have this nice stereo.

I hope you enjoy listenin' to it

up in your room because
you are grounded.

Grounded? What for?

Bubba, if you're
gonna live in this family

you'll have to learn to be a
loser just like the rest of us.