Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 12 - Fly Naomi - full transcript
Naomi is fed up with her job as a supermarket cashier, and signs up for stewardess school, believing it will lead to an exciting career. As the weeks pass, Vint is feeling neglected as Naomi spends all her time on her studies. And Mama is unsympathetic -- until she learns that flight attendants' families can fly anywhere they want for free.
Iola, have you
noticed how it seems
to get hotter every summer?
I read somewhere that the
ozone layer's breakin' down.
Somethin' about
volcanoes and hair spray.
I heard that too!
They say when we use hair spray
we come a little bit closer to
wipin' out life as we know it.
Personally, I
think it's worth it.
Hi, grandma.
I need to borrow five dollars.
Bubba, I'm ashamed of you.
Can you see Iola sittin' here?
I can't ask her for the
money. I hardly even know her.
Hello, Bubba.
Hi, Miss Boylen.
Alright, what's
this five bucks for?
A necktie.
A necktie? Who died?
Nobody. I'm joinin'
the debate team.
- The debate team?
- Yeah.
It'd be good experience
and very educational.
Educational, my foot.
What's her name?
Wanda Lynn Mahoney.
At least you're going after
a girl with some brains.
Yeah.
Wanda Lynn's got the biggest
set of brains in school.
I swear, that boy is
a walkin' hormone.
Well, they say for a man
after 18, it's all downhill.
What is?
They didn't say.
Well, speakin' of downhill
looks like Vint and
Naomi are coastin' in.
Wonder if they had any
luck apartment huntin'.
You are so picky!
I am not livin' next
to a slaughterhouse!
Well, I wouldn't call
the movin' van just yet.
Oh, Naomi, you...
Well, I guess I'll
be gettin' on home.
You probably want to go inside
and smooth the troubled waters.
Iola, I'm not the kinda mother
who meddles in her
children's domestic problems.
Okay, you two, what gives?
Oh, face it, Vinton.
We're never gonna
find another place to live.
Oh, come on, sweetheart,
things will look a whole lot
better tonight at the drive-in
once you get your feet
propped up on that dashboard.
The drive-in?
You promised to move
this furniture for me
so that I could clean my rug!
- Not tonight!
- Oh, Mama, I forgot.
- Can't that wait till mornin'?
- No, it cannot.
I got to get this
shampooer back by noon.
I'm not gonna pay a
whole extra day's rent
just so you two can
go to the passion pit.
My life is such a mess!
All I do is get up
and go to work.
From the basement
to the check stand
and the check stand
to the basement
and the basement
to the check stand
and the check stand
to the basement!
Well, at least she's set some
sort of a pattern in her life.
- There you go, Mama.
- I don't know.
There's somethin' just not
quite right about this room.
I've gotta go up and
study for my debate.
Oh, yeah? What's your topic?
Should we abolish
the electoral college?
Well, of course not.
Where would all the future
electricians come from?
That's a good point, Uncle Vint.
I'll use that in my speech.
Vinton, I think maybe you put
this rug down the wrong way.
These leaves ain't supposed
to be facin' the stairway.
Mama, the leaves
face every which way.
- Not the big ones!
- Well, nobody noticed but you.
Hi. Oh, the rug looks
great turned like this.
It does not! These leaves
are makin' my whole room tilt.
Hey, Skeeter. How was work?
Oh, fine, honey.
Oh, I'm so excited!
Wait till you see this ad I
found in the "Thrifty spender!"
This is not my living room.
I can't live with this.
"Are you stuck in a rut?
"You can lead an exciting
and glamorous life by enrollin'
in the Up Up and
Away Airline Academy."
- Airline academy?
- Mm-hmm.
- You want to be a pilot?
- Even better.
I want to be a flight attendant.
Are you nuts? A
stewardess at your age?
Wake up and smell
the coffee, tea, or milk.
There are no age
requirements, Miss Harper.
All you have to be
is pleasant and polite.
Well, that lets you out.
I say forget the
whole crazy idea.
Well, it's too late. I
already signed up.
Without askin' me?
Since when do I have
to have your permission?
Since now!
Will you two knock it off?
You are overlookin' the
most important thing here.
This rug has got
to be turned around.
Oh, shoot.
Would you look at him?
Is that the way he's left
to spend his evenings?
It is ever since Naomi decided
to become a flyin' waitress.
That poor thing.
How's it goin', Vint?
You see, this thingamajig
gets stuck in the whosis
and the doo-hickey won't spin.
Oh, what a mind you have!
Yeah, it's a regular
whatchamacallit.
Vint, I was thinkin', since
you're so mechanical
could you fix the crank
on my ice cream maker?
- No problem.
- Good!
One night you and Naomi can come
for some homemade rocky road.
Iola, you know Naomi's gone
to her classes every night.
Well, there's no reason
I can't come without her.
Well, Vint, if you want
to come by yourself
it's perfectly alright with me.
I'll go home, see if I can
find that old ice cream maker.
Excuse me, hate
to stitch and run!
I gotta go find that
ice cream maker.
If not, you can
always buy a new one
and break the crank!
Lord! I swear, that
woman is so obvious.
Yeah. Anybody can tell
she's crazy about ice cream.
Well, if you ask me,
she's just plain crazy.
Well, at least
Iola's not runnin' off
every night to school
like some people I know.
You are the one who let Naomi
go ahead with this crackpot idea.
You're her husband. Talk to her.
I can't. She's never around.
We're like, we're like two
trains that pass in the night.
She's an express goin' one way
and I'm a local
goin'...nowhere and...
we never meet.
Mama, do you realize
it has been weeks
since those two trains have...
coupled?
Alright, Vinton, that's
enough with the dirty train talk.
If it's bad now, how'll it be
when she's a real stewardess?
Oh, snap out of it, Vinton,
Naomi's never gonna be one.
She's gonna fall flat on
her face, flunk that class
and y'all will wind up spendin'
your lives in the basement.
Thanks, Mama. I
feel a whole lot better.
Hey, everybody, look at this!
I got an A plus on
my very first exam.
Pretty soon, I am gonna
be up, up, and away!
Oh, great! Oh, great!
That's great!
That is just great!
What's the matter with him?
If I were you, I'd get
my caboose to the depot
and holler "All aboard!"
Oh, hi, honey.
You're just in time to be a
passenger on my airplane.
I have my simulated
in-flight test tonight
and I gotta practice.
Maybe some other time.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Doin' what?
For one thing, I promised
Iola I'd fix her ice cream maker.
You can do that any time, honey.
My test is tonight!
Wait! My plans are just
as important as your plans.
I know that, baby. Oh,
come on and fly Naomi.
I'll take you there first class.
I think I'll just
catch the next flight.
Vinton...
Oh, hi, Bubba. Would
you be my first passenger?
Forget it, Aunt Naomi. This
is the worst day of my life.
I've decided to
give up the debate.
- How come?
- They kicked me off the team.
Did you know that
the electoral college
has nothing to
do with electricity?
Oh, anybody could've
made that mistake.
I bet if you went back,
they'd let you back on.
Oh, what's the use?
Hey, Bubba, come on.
When your plane
hits some turbulence
you gotta buckle down.
Shove that throttle
to the fire wall
and give it everything you got!
You know something, Aunt Naomi
there's been a
real change in you
since you started at
that stewardess school.
You think so?
Yeah... and I hate it a lot!
Well, Naomi...
good Lord, what have
you done to my rug?
These chairs will put little,
bitty dents in my leaves.
I have my in-flight test
tonight, Miss Harper.
Would you be my
passenger, please?
Well, I'd love to, Naomi,
but I got toilets to scrub.
Doesn't anybody
in this family care
whether I pass or fail?
Well, why should we?
Your foolishness has turned
this entire household upside down.
Our meals are upset,
your husband's upset
and where the hell
did you get that outfit?
- I sewed it myself.
- Well, it looks it.
I'll have you know I
copied this uniform
outta a picture in a magazine.
Oh, yeah? Which one
"Banana Illustrated?"
You just can't stand it when
a person aspires to greatness.
What is so great about
lookin' like Old Yeller?
Alright, fine, Miss Harper
but when I do become
a real stewardess
I don't want to hear you
askin' for any of the freebies.
I wouldn't waste my breath.
Just what kind of freebies
are we talkin' about here?
For one thing, all the
little baby bottles of liquor.
Well, whoop-de-do!
And for another thing...
all the families of stewardesses
get to fly anywhere for free.
- Anywhere?
- Anywhere.
Even Hawaii?
Even Hawaii.
Where would you like me to sit?
Thank you so much, Miss Harper.
I've never been on an airplane
you gotta show
me everything to do.
Welcome aboard, ma'am.
May I show you to your seat?
Okay. Where are we going?
Anywhere you like.
Let's go to Hawaii.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, isn't this airplane nice?
It's just like being in
my own living room.
Now, I'm going to help
you fasten your seat belt.
Wait a minute, isn't this
my good Sunday belt?
Yes, ma'am, but I
couldn't find any others.
Doesn't Vinton have any belts?
Yeah, but his
weren't big enough.
Naomi, you're cuttin'
off my circulation.
Well, it's supposed to be snug.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go make my announcements.
Well, fine, don't mind me
even though I'm paralyzed
from the belt down.
On behalf of your
captain and crew
I would like to welcome y'all
aboard and hope that y'all...
Yo, stew! I would like
a Wicky-Wacky bowl.
A what?
You know, one of
them Hawaiian drinks
with the little
umbrellas in 'em.
They drink 'em all the
time on "The Love Boat."
I'm tryin' to welcome everybody
and make 'em feel at home.
Well, I'd feel more welcome
with a Wicky-Wacky bowl
with one of 'em
Menehune men in it
with the cherry and
pineapple stuck in him.
I'll get you one, but I have to
go over the safety procedures.
Okay. Hurry it up. Sooner
you finish, sooner I get my drink.
Now, an oxygen mask
will automatically descend
should we experience
a loss of altitude.
Loss of altitude? What're
we doing? Goin' down?
Just place the mask
over your nose and mouth
and breathe normally.
How do we breathe normally
when we're plungin'
to our death?
Just relax, ma'am.
You're sittin' right next
to the emergency exit
and you can use your seat
cushion for a flotation device.
Well, great, I'll
be the first person
to step on the wing
at 600 miles an hour
with nothin' but a seat
cushion in my hand!
Do you mind if I finish
the safety instructions?
I wish you'd mention
the bathrooms location!
You're scarin' the
petunias out of me!
Let's just forget it, okay?
That concludes our
safety instructions for today.
Thank the Lord.
Now, for your in-flight
entertainment pleasure
we offer a movie.
I hope it's nothin'
with that Meryl Streep.
I'm sick and tired
of them foreigners
coming over here and takin'
all our academy awards.
She is an American, Miss Harper.
Where the hell did she
get all them accents?
Do you want this
movie, or don't you?
What I'd really like is
my Wicky-Wacky bowl.
- Alright. I'll get you one.
- I can't hear you.
I said I'll get your damn drink!
You don't smile nearly as
much as a real stewardess.
You're not plannin'
on walkin' like that
durin' the test
tonight, are you?
What's the matter with my walk?
You're supposed
to be a stewardess
not a pigeon in heat!
I'll have you know I am
doin' the stewardess glide.
Yeah? Who's teachin'
this course, Tina Turner?
What do you know about it?
You've never been on an plane.
I am the professional here.
If you're professional, then
where the hell's my Wicky-Wacky?
That does it! This
stewardess is bailin' out!
Just a minute here!
What about my drink?
You can take that umbrella
and that piece of pineapple
and the Menehune men
with the cherry sticking in him
and flush it down your
Wicky-Wacky bowl!
Get back in here, missy!
Get me out of here!
Hey!
Naomi!
Naomi, do I still
get to fly for free?
Whoa! Good Lord!
Mmm. Boy, Iola, you
make the best rocky road.
Well, you did all the crankin'.
I couldn't have done it
without your muscles.
Vinton, why don't
you finish this off?
- It'll just spoil.
- Don't mind if I do.
Oh, there ain't nothin' nicer
than sharin' a warm
summer night with a... friend.
Yeah, we oughta
do this more often.
When?
Are you comin' in or are
you gonna be mosquito bait?
I'm comin', Mama.
Thanks again, Iola.
Oh, Vint, what do you say we
make strawberry tomorrow night?
Nothin' doin'! This is my front
porch, not the Dairy Queen!
Mama, there weren't
any mosquitoes out there.
Sit down right there. I want
to have a little talk with you.
I don't like what you and
Iola were up to tonight.
I thought you liked rocky
road. You ate two bowls.
I am not talkin' about ice
cream here, you lamebrain!
I am talkin' about unbridled
lust on my front stoop!
Where?
Vinton, can't you
see Iola wants you
to crank more
than her ice cream?
Oh, Mama, you're
imaginin' things.
Me and Iola? Iola and me?
That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.
I'm tellin' you, that lovelorn
spider is weavin' her web
and you got "fly"
written all over you.
Mama, me and
Iola are just friends.
Naomi's the only woman
in the world for me.
It's high time you
started showing it.
Your wife is holdin' down
a job, plus goin' to classes
and you haven't given her
a word of encouragement.
- I would if she was around.
- Don't give me that!
Where were you this afternoon
when she needed
passengers for her test?
Thank the Lord I was
there to see her through.
Oh, I guess you're right, Mama.
Maybe I have
been kind of selfish.
You certainly have.
You ought to remember
that Naomi is your wife
she's your helpmate...
and she's our ticket to Hawaii.
What?
Don't you know after
she's a stewardess
we all get to fly for free?
- We do?
- You bet your coconuts we do.
Looky there. Waikiki Beach.
That's where Jim Nabors lives.
Okay, everybody, Naomi's
pullin' in the driveway!
It's time to welcome
the graduate.
Hang loose, Uncle
Vint, the surf's up, dude.
Whew, bubba!
Would you look at us?
I'll bet people will think
we're native Hawaiians.
All we need is a ukulele.
♪♪ Lovely hula hands ♪♪
♪♪ Fingertips that say ♪♪
♪♪ Aloha... ♪♪♪♪
Okay, she's here! She's here!
♪♪ Aloha-oe ♪♪
♪♪ Aloha-oe ♪♪♪♪
What is all this?
Our way of showin' our
love and support, Skeeter.
We are so proud to have
a stewardess in our family.
I knew it. She flunked.
Honey, what's the matter?
Oh, Vinton, it was so horrible.
That simulated test was so real.
They had the real
inside of an airplane
and it was full of people
and everybody wanted
somethin' different to drink.
Hope nobody asked
for a Wicky-Wacky bowl.
Suddenly, the instructor
pressed this button
and the whole
inside of the cabin
started to move just
like we was up in the air
back and forth, and back
and forth, and back and forth...
Will you stop it?
You're makin' me sick.
How do you think I felt?
I got so dizzy and lightheaded
that I did the stupidest thing.
I thought I'd step
in the bathroom
and splash some cool
water onto my face.
- What's so stupid about that?
- I went through the wrong door!
I fell out the emergency exit!
Does this mean you're
not a stewardess?
I'm not even alive.
I'm aviation's first
simulated casualty.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
I said this whole thing was
a bust from the word go!
I thought you said we
were goin' to Hawaii.
Shut up and wipe
that goop off your nose!
And, Vinton, take off
those damn flowers!
These are my Hawaiian flowers!
The closest this
family's gettin' to Hawaii
is watchin' "Magnum, P.I."
noticed how it seems
to get hotter every summer?
I read somewhere that the
ozone layer's breakin' down.
Somethin' about
volcanoes and hair spray.
I heard that too!
They say when we use hair spray
we come a little bit closer to
wipin' out life as we know it.
Personally, I
think it's worth it.
Hi, grandma.
I need to borrow five dollars.
Bubba, I'm ashamed of you.
Can you see Iola sittin' here?
I can't ask her for the
money. I hardly even know her.
Hello, Bubba.
Hi, Miss Boylen.
Alright, what's
this five bucks for?
A necktie.
A necktie? Who died?
Nobody. I'm joinin'
the debate team.
- The debate team?
- Yeah.
It'd be good experience
and very educational.
Educational, my foot.
What's her name?
Wanda Lynn Mahoney.
At least you're going after
a girl with some brains.
Yeah.
Wanda Lynn's got the biggest
set of brains in school.
I swear, that boy is
a walkin' hormone.
Well, they say for a man
after 18, it's all downhill.
What is?
They didn't say.
Well, speakin' of downhill
looks like Vint and
Naomi are coastin' in.
Wonder if they had any
luck apartment huntin'.
You are so picky!
I am not livin' next
to a slaughterhouse!
Well, I wouldn't call
the movin' van just yet.
Oh, Naomi, you...
Well, I guess I'll
be gettin' on home.
You probably want to go inside
and smooth the troubled waters.
Iola, I'm not the kinda mother
who meddles in her
children's domestic problems.
Okay, you two, what gives?
Oh, face it, Vinton.
We're never gonna
find another place to live.
Oh, come on, sweetheart,
things will look a whole lot
better tonight at the drive-in
once you get your feet
propped up on that dashboard.
The drive-in?
You promised to move
this furniture for me
so that I could clean my rug!
- Not tonight!
- Oh, Mama, I forgot.
- Can't that wait till mornin'?
- No, it cannot.
I got to get this
shampooer back by noon.
I'm not gonna pay a
whole extra day's rent
just so you two can
go to the passion pit.
My life is such a mess!
All I do is get up
and go to work.
From the basement
to the check stand
and the check stand
to the basement
and the basement
to the check stand
and the check stand
to the basement!
Well, at least she's set some
sort of a pattern in her life.
- There you go, Mama.
- I don't know.
There's somethin' just not
quite right about this room.
I've gotta go up and
study for my debate.
Oh, yeah? What's your topic?
Should we abolish
the electoral college?
Well, of course not.
Where would all the future
electricians come from?
That's a good point, Uncle Vint.
I'll use that in my speech.
Vinton, I think maybe you put
this rug down the wrong way.
These leaves ain't supposed
to be facin' the stairway.
Mama, the leaves
face every which way.
- Not the big ones!
- Well, nobody noticed but you.
Hi. Oh, the rug looks
great turned like this.
It does not! These leaves
are makin' my whole room tilt.
Hey, Skeeter. How was work?
Oh, fine, honey.
Oh, I'm so excited!
Wait till you see this ad I
found in the "Thrifty spender!"
This is not my living room.
I can't live with this.
"Are you stuck in a rut?
"You can lead an exciting
and glamorous life by enrollin'
in the Up Up and
Away Airline Academy."
- Airline academy?
- Mm-hmm.
- You want to be a pilot?
- Even better.
I want to be a flight attendant.
Are you nuts? A
stewardess at your age?
Wake up and smell
the coffee, tea, or milk.
There are no age
requirements, Miss Harper.
All you have to be
is pleasant and polite.
Well, that lets you out.
I say forget the
whole crazy idea.
Well, it's too late. I
already signed up.
Without askin' me?
Since when do I have
to have your permission?
Since now!
Will you two knock it off?
You are overlookin' the
most important thing here.
This rug has got
to be turned around.
Oh, shoot.
Would you look at him?
Is that the way he's left
to spend his evenings?
It is ever since Naomi decided
to become a flyin' waitress.
That poor thing.
How's it goin', Vint?
You see, this thingamajig
gets stuck in the whosis
and the doo-hickey won't spin.
Oh, what a mind you have!
Yeah, it's a regular
whatchamacallit.
Vint, I was thinkin', since
you're so mechanical
could you fix the crank
on my ice cream maker?
- No problem.
- Good!
One night you and Naomi can come
for some homemade rocky road.
Iola, you know Naomi's gone
to her classes every night.
Well, there's no reason
I can't come without her.
Well, Vint, if you want
to come by yourself
it's perfectly alright with me.
I'll go home, see if I can
find that old ice cream maker.
Excuse me, hate
to stitch and run!
I gotta go find that
ice cream maker.
If not, you can
always buy a new one
and break the crank!
Lord! I swear, that
woman is so obvious.
Yeah. Anybody can tell
she's crazy about ice cream.
Well, if you ask me,
she's just plain crazy.
Well, at least
Iola's not runnin' off
every night to school
like some people I know.
You are the one who let Naomi
go ahead with this crackpot idea.
You're her husband. Talk to her.
I can't. She's never around.
We're like, we're like two
trains that pass in the night.
She's an express goin' one way
and I'm a local
goin'...nowhere and...
we never meet.
Mama, do you realize
it has been weeks
since those two trains have...
coupled?
Alright, Vinton, that's
enough with the dirty train talk.
If it's bad now, how'll it be
when she's a real stewardess?
Oh, snap out of it, Vinton,
Naomi's never gonna be one.
She's gonna fall flat on
her face, flunk that class
and y'all will wind up spendin'
your lives in the basement.
Thanks, Mama. I
feel a whole lot better.
Hey, everybody, look at this!
I got an A plus on
my very first exam.
Pretty soon, I am gonna
be up, up, and away!
Oh, great! Oh, great!
That's great!
That is just great!
What's the matter with him?
If I were you, I'd get
my caboose to the depot
and holler "All aboard!"
Oh, hi, honey.
You're just in time to be a
passenger on my airplane.
I have my simulated
in-flight test tonight
and I gotta practice.
Maybe some other time.
I'm kind of busy right now.
Doin' what?
For one thing, I promised
Iola I'd fix her ice cream maker.
You can do that any time, honey.
My test is tonight!
Wait! My plans are just
as important as your plans.
I know that, baby. Oh,
come on and fly Naomi.
I'll take you there first class.
I think I'll just
catch the next flight.
Vinton...
Oh, hi, Bubba. Would
you be my first passenger?
Forget it, Aunt Naomi. This
is the worst day of my life.
I've decided to
give up the debate.
- How come?
- They kicked me off the team.
Did you know that
the electoral college
has nothing to
do with electricity?
Oh, anybody could've
made that mistake.
I bet if you went back,
they'd let you back on.
Oh, what's the use?
Hey, Bubba, come on.
When your plane
hits some turbulence
you gotta buckle down.
Shove that throttle
to the fire wall
and give it everything you got!
You know something, Aunt Naomi
there's been a
real change in you
since you started at
that stewardess school.
You think so?
Yeah... and I hate it a lot!
Well, Naomi...
good Lord, what have
you done to my rug?
These chairs will put little,
bitty dents in my leaves.
I have my in-flight test
tonight, Miss Harper.
Would you be my
passenger, please?
Well, I'd love to, Naomi,
but I got toilets to scrub.
Doesn't anybody
in this family care
whether I pass or fail?
Well, why should we?
Your foolishness has turned
this entire household upside down.
Our meals are upset,
your husband's upset
and where the hell
did you get that outfit?
- I sewed it myself.
- Well, it looks it.
I'll have you know I
copied this uniform
outta a picture in a magazine.
Oh, yeah? Which one
"Banana Illustrated?"
You just can't stand it when
a person aspires to greatness.
What is so great about
lookin' like Old Yeller?
Alright, fine, Miss Harper
but when I do become
a real stewardess
I don't want to hear you
askin' for any of the freebies.
I wouldn't waste my breath.
Just what kind of freebies
are we talkin' about here?
For one thing, all the
little baby bottles of liquor.
Well, whoop-de-do!
And for another thing...
all the families of stewardesses
get to fly anywhere for free.
- Anywhere?
- Anywhere.
Even Hawaii?
Even Hawaii.
Where would you like me to sit?
Thank you so much, Miss Harper.
I've never been on an airplane
you gotta show
me everything to do.
Welcome aboard, ma'am.
May I show you to your seat?
Okay. Where are we going?
Anywhere you like.
Let's go to Hawaii.
- Okay.
- Okay.
Well, isn't this airplane nice?
It's just like being in
my own living room.
Now, I'm going to help
you fasten your seat belt.
Wait a minute, isn't this
my good Sunday belt?
Yes, ma'am, but I
couldn't find any others.
Doesn't Vinton have any belts?
Yeah, but his
weren't big enough.
Naomi, you're cuttin'
off my circulation.
Well, it's supposed to be snug.
If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna
go make my announcements.
Well, fine, don't mind me
even though I'm paralyzed
from the belt down.
On behalf of your
captain and crew
I would like to welcome y'all
aboard and hope that y'all...
Yo, stew! I would like
a Wicky-Wacky bowl.
A what?
You know, one of
them Hawaiian drinks
with the little
umbrellas in 'em.
They drink 'em all the
time on "The Love Boat."
I'm tryin' to welcome everybody
and make 'em feel at home.
Well, I'd feel more welcome
with a Wicky-Wacky bowl
with one of 'em
Menehune men in it
with the cherry and
pineapple stuck in him.
I'll get you one, but I have to
go over the safety procedures.
Okay. Hurry it up. Sooner
you finish, sooner I get my drink.
Now, an oxygen mask
will automatically descend
should we experience
a loss of altitude.
Loss of altitude? What're
we doing? Goin' down?
Just place the mask
over your nose and mouth
and breathe normally.
How do we breathe normally
when we're plungin'
to our death?
Just relax, ma'am.
You're sittin' right next
to the emergency exit
and you can use your seat
cushion for a flotation device.
Well, great, I'll
be the first person
to step on the wing
at 600 miles an hour
with nothin' but a seat
cushion in my hand!
Do you mind if I finish
the safety instructions?
I wish you'd mention
the bathrooms location!
You're scarin' the
petunias out of me!
Let's just forget it, okay?
That concludes our
safety instructions for today.
Thank the Lord.
Now, for your in-flight
entertainment pleasure
we offer a movie.
I hope it's nothin'
with that Meryl Streep.
I'm sick and tired
of them foreigners
coming over here and takin'
all our academy awards.
She is an American, Miss Harper.
Where the hell did she
get all them accents?
Do you want this
movie, or don't you?
What I'd really like is
my Wicky-Wacky bowl.
- Alright. I'll get you one.
- I can't hear you.
I said I'll get your damn drink!
You don't smile nearly as
much as a real stewardess.
You're not plannin'
on walkin' like that
durin' the test
tonight, are you?
What's the matter with my walk?
You're supposed
to be a stewardess
not a pigeon in heat!
I'll have you know I am
doin' the stewardess glide.
Yeah? Who's teachin'
this course, Tina Turner?
What do you know about it?
You've never been on an plane.
I am the professional here.
If you're professional, then
where the hell's my Wicky-Wacky?
That does it! This
stewardess is bailin' out!
Just a minute here!
What about my drink?
You can take that umbrella
and that piece of pineapple
and the Menehune men
with the cherry sticking in him
and flush it down your
Wicky-Wacky bowl!
Get back in here, missy!
Get me out of here!
Hey!
Naomi!
Naomi, do I still
get to fly for free?
Whoa! Good Lord!
Mmm. Boy, Iola, you
make the best rocky road.
Well, you did all the crankin'.
I couldn't have done it
without your muscles.
Vinton, why don't
you finish this off?
- It'll just spoil.
- Don't mind if I do.
Oh, there ain't nothin' nicer
than sharin' a warm
summer night with a... friend.
Yeah, we oughta
do this more often.
When?
Are you comin' in or are
you gonna be mosquito bait?
I'm comin', Mama.
Thanks again, Iola.
Oh, Vint, what do you say we
make strawberry tomorrow night?
Nothin' doin'! This is my front
porch, not the Dairy Queen!
Mama, there weren't
any mosquitoes out there.
Sit down right there. I want
to have a little talk with you.
I don't like what you and
Iola were up to tonight.
I thought you liked rocky
road. You ate two bowls.
I am not talkin' about ice
cream here, you lamebrain!
I am talkin' about unbridled
lust on my front stoop!
Where?
Vinton, can't you
see Iola wants you
to crank more
than her ice cream?
Oh, Mama, you're
imaginin' things.
Me and Iola? Iola and me?
That's the silliest
thing I ever heard.
I'm tellin' you, that lovelorn
spider is weavin' her web
and you got "fly"
written all over you.
Mama, me and
Iola are just friends.
Naomi's the only woman
in the world for me.
It's high time you
started showing it.
Your wife is holdin' down
a job, plus goin' to classes
and you haven't given her
a word of encouragement.
- I would if she was around.
- Don't give me that!
Where were you this afternoon
when she needed
passengers for her test?
Thank the Lord I was
there to see her through.
Oh, I guess you're right, Mama.
Maybe I have
been kind of selfish.
You certainly have.
You ought to remember
that Naomi is your wife
she's your helpmate...
and she's our ticket to Hawaii.
What?
Don't you know after
she's a stewardess
we all get to fly for free?
- We do?
- You bet your coconuts we do.
Looky there. Waikiki Beach.
That's where Jim Nabors lives.
Okay, everybody, Naomi's
pullin' in the driveway!
It's time to welcome
the graduate.
Hang loose, Uncle
Vint, the surf's up, dude.
Whew, bubba!
Would you look at us?
I'll bet people will think
we're native Hawaiians.
All we need is a ukulele.
♪♪ Lovely hula hands ♪♪
♪♪ Fingertips that say ♪♪
♪♪ Aloha... ♪♪♪♪
Okay, she's here! She's here!
♪♪ Aloha-oe ♪♪
♪♪ Aloha-oe ♪♪♪♪
What is all this?
Our way of showin' our
love and support, Skeeter.
We are so proud to have
a stewardess in our family.
I knew it. She flunked.
Honey, what's the matter?
Oh, Vinton, it was so horrible.
That simulated test was so real.
They had the real
inside of an airplane
and it was full of people
and everybody wanted
somethin' different to drink.
Hope nobody asked
for a Wicky-Wacky bowl.
Suddenly, the instructor
pressed this button
and the whole
inside of the cabin
started to move just
like we was up in the air
back and forth, and back
and forth, and back and forth...
Will you stop it?
You're makin' me sick.
How do you think I felt?
I got so dizzy and lightheaded
that I did the stupidest thing.
I thought I'd step
in the bathroom
and splash some cool
water onto my face.
- What's so stupid about that?
- I went through the wrong door!
I fell out the emergency exit!
Does this mean you're
not a stewardess?
I'm not even alive.
I'm aviation's first
simulated casualty.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!
I said this whole thing was
a bust from the word go!
I thought you said we
were goin' to Hawaii.
Shut up and wipe
that goop off your nose!
And, Vinton, take off
those damn flowers!
These are my Hawaiian flowers!
The closest this
family's gettin' to Hawaii
is watchin' "Magnum, P.I."