Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 3, Episode 13 - Santa Mama - full transcript
Now, baby, before we go to work
we have to decide which
Christmas card we're sending.
Now, is it gonna be Rudolph
or is it gonna be the
little children in the snow?
Well, I've always liked Rudolph.
But don't you just love
these itty-bitty children
with their great big eyes?
Yeah, but Rudolph's
got big eyes, too.
Miss Harper, which
Christmas card
do you think that
we oughta send?
Get them bug eyes outta my face.
I got laundry to do.
Now, now.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell it to Donner and Blitzen.
I want nothin' to do with
the whole merry mess.
- Oh, now, mama.
- Listen, Vinton.
For 50 years, I have been
in charge of Christmas.
I've jingled your bells, and
I've roasted your chestnuts.
This Christmas, you goons can
just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.
Come on, you mustn't talk
that way in front of Santa.
What in the world
are you talkin' about?
Didn't I tell you, mama?
Out of everyone at Kwik Keys
I got picked to play
Santa at the mall this year.
Well, Vinton, I can't believe
you'd wanna play St. Nick.
I used to drag you kickin' and
screamin' to sit on Santa's lap.
Well, I know, mama, but
I was in the eighth grade.
Grandma, I need
this shirt ironed.
Well, good morning
to you too, Bubba.
When did you start
wearin' a white shirt?
It's for the boys' glee club.
We're singin' carols at
tomorrow's assembly. A capella.
Oh, let's all go
hear Bubba sing!
I love a boys'
choir at Christmas.
That's 'cause you've
never had to sit through one.
There is nothin' worse
than a pimply-faced kid
whose voice is changin'
tryin' to hit "Sleep
In Heavenly Peace."
Say, Aunt Naomi, you
know all about shoppin'.
What kind of a Christmas
present can I buy a girl
that she'll be crazy
about for less than $7?
Not much of one...
unless she and Naomi have
the same taste in jewelry.
Shoot, I gotta figure out
some way to make money.
Hey, Bubba, you can work with me
when I play Santa
down at the mall.
He's too big to be an elf.
They're lookin' for somebody
to take pictures of kids
when they sit on Santa's lap.
- Great! How much do I get paid?
- A buck a picture.
We'll be workin' the busiest
shopping day, Christmas eve.
- Alright!
- Isn't this par for the course?
While Santa and
his helper are out
kickin' up their heels
on Christmas eve
who gets to do all the work?
Cinderella?
Get outta my kitchen
before I turn y'all
into pumpkins!
Here, take your damn shirt.
Merry Christmas, Miss Harper.
The next person who
wishes me a Merry Christmas
is gonna get decked
along with the halls.
Okay, be careful, now, you guys.
Vinton, honey, look
out for the branches!
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, Bubba, swing it around.
Watch out for that... lamp.
What is goin' on?
Oh, Miss Harper, look!
It's our Christmas tree!
Well, I thought it was
the end of the world.
Isn't it a beauty, grandma?
So was my lamp.
Isn't it a bit early
to get a tree?
Early? Miss Harper,
it's December 23rd!
I know. But they're a lot
cheaper after Christmas.
Grandma, you gotta admit it.
There's nothin' like the tree
to get you into that
Christmas spirit.
Yeah, nothin' gives
me more comfort and joy
than cleanin' up pine
needles for two weeks.
Look, here are the lights.
Knock, knock!
And Noel, Noel!
- Hi, Vint.
- Hi, Iola.
- What do you think of our tree?
- It's glorious!
I wish we could have a real
tree, but mother's allergic.
We've just got this old,
rusty, aluminum one.
Well, at least it doesn't shed.
Does anybody see
the end of these lights?
Oh, here, baby, I'll help you.
Iola, what is that thing?
Oh, I just finished
him. Isn't he adorable?
It's a TV guide choir boy.
It's a what?
Fold the pages of the
guide, paint it white.
Makes his little robe. You
pop on a head, a songbook
and there you are.
Well, isn't it somethin'?
You can use different
magazines to make different sizes.
I made over two dozen this year.
Hope you don't feel like readin'
anytime durin' the holidays.
- Why don't you help us out?
- I'd love to.
Nothin' like decoratin' a tree
to get in that holiday spirit.
Oh, will you knock it off
with your spirit already?
Bubba, don't touch those.
You're gonna break somethin'.
I will hand out the
damn ornaments.
Do you believe her?
When I was makin' my
Psychology Today Choir boy,
I read this article on
holiday depression.
I think that's what's
wrong with Thelma.
- What did it say we should do?
- I didn't finish it.
The answer's somewhere
in his little robes.
I can't find it.
- What?
- The star.
What? Daddy's
star? It's not there?
No, I always put it
in this special box
right next to the used tinsel.
Maybe it's in one
of the other boxes.
- What does it look like?
- You remember it.
It's that yellow, wooden star.
Carl made it,
Lord rest his soul.
It always sits on
the top of my tree.
Oh, yeah. That lopsided star.
It might not be up
to your standards
Miss Arts and Crafts.
My Carl whittled it himself.
It's not there anywhere.
Bet you threw it out last
year. You probably threw it out.
Mama, I wouldn't do that.
I'm always real careful.
Just like you were
with them lights.
Grandma, I'll bet if we
looked through the boxes...
Forget it! It's gone!
Carl made that star our
very first Christmas together.
We didn't have enough
money for ornaments
so I strung the tree with
cranberries and popcorn.
Carl whittled that
beautiful yellow star.
He said, "Thelma, as
long as we have our star
we'll always have
a happy Christmas."
Oh, mama. Cheer up.
We'll buy you a new one.
- I want Carl's.
- Oh, Miss Harper...
As far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is canceled.
- Grandma! You can't do that.
- You just watch me!
The only season's greetin' I
wanna hear is "Happy New Year!"
♪♪ O Christmas tree
O Christmas tree ♪♪
♪♪ With faithful
leaves unchanging ♪♪
♪♪ O Christmas tree O
Christmas tree... ♪♪♪♪
♪♪ O knock it off O
knock it off ♪♪♪♪
Lord! Who can sleep
with all of this racket?
We were just singin'
some Christmas carols.
Oh, is that what that was?
I thought it was
cats on a fence.
Boy, grandma, you
sure are on a bummer.
Hey, mama, Come here,
come here, come here.
Look. Is that the best darn
Christmas tree or what?
You got too many big
ornaments up on top.
They're supposed
to go at the bottom.
But nobody can see
'em at the bottom.
I'm glad I put the tinsel
on strand by strand.
It gives the tree such symmetry.
Yeah, and it
balances it out, too.
There's nothin'
balanced about a tree
with the big
ornaments at the top.
Doesn't make any
difference how you decorate.
Without Carl's star, it
isn't even worth lookin' at.
Oh, who cares what's on the top?
It's all the presents
underneath that matter.
Don't be expectin' a
lot of presents from me.
I am not goin' hog-wild.
You are each gettin' one gift.
Great, mama, I'd much
rather have one expensive gift
than a lot of cheap ones.
Oh, yeah?
How do you feel
about one cheap one?
Thelma, I cannot get
over the peculiar way
you are actin' this Christmas.
Me? I'm actin' peculiar?
This from a woman
who cannot stop herself
from makin' choir boys?
Leave my magazine alone!
Well... Uncle Santa, you
all ready for our big day?
Oh, you bet I am!
I took the Santa Claus suit
over to the one-hour cleaners
and they said it would
be ready tomorrow.
Funny how they never
clean anything in an hour.
Oh, don't worry, baby.
I'll pick it up and
bring it to you.
May I go, too? I'd love
to see Vint as Santa.
Are you gonna practice, or
are you just gonna wing it?
Well, there's
nothin' to it, Bubba.
You just put on the suit,
and you say, "Ho, ho, ho."
Is that the way you're
gonna do it tomorrow?
Well, somethin' like that.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Pathetic.
Them kids are gonna laugh
you right outta that mall.
Uh... what do you
think, Skeeter?
No offense, honey,
but could you give it
a little more oomph?
Oomph. Uh...
Ho, ho, ho!
Ha ha ha!
Them kids are gonna say
"That's just a
locksmith dressed up."
Vinton, maybe you
should try it lower.
Lower. Uh...
Ho, ho, ho.
For pity's sake, you're
supposed to be Santa Claus
not the jolly green giant.
Gee, Uncle Vint, maybe
you need to practice a little.
Yeah, maybe you're
right. Come on, Bubba.
Let's go down to the basement.
Acoustics are better down there.
Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho!
For cryin' out loud, Vinton,
you're gonna bust a gut!
Hush up, Miss Harper.
You're upsetting him!
If I'm gonna go to
see him tomorrow
I expect him to be good.
Thought you didn't want to have
anything to do with Christmas.
This doesn't have anything
to do with Christmas.
It has to do with
bein' there for my son.
I was there when he was
in the kindergarten
show and wet his pants.
I was there at the
little-league playoffs
when he struck out
and lost the pennant.
And I was at his high school
graduation when he tripped
and knocked the principal
into the orchestra pit.
I'll never miss
anything Vinton does
no matter how humiliatin'
or embarrassin' it might be.
That's what bein' a
mother is all about.
Young man, Santa Claus was
supposed to be here at noon
and it is already 12:15.
Oh, well, he'll be here.
Santa's got a lot to
do on Christmas eve.
So have I.
- We want Santa!
- Yeah.
We want Santa!
Uh, hold on!
Hold on, kids! Hold on!
H-he'll be here!
He'll be here! He'll be here!
His sleigh is stuck
in a holding pattern.
- Thank goodness you made it.
- Sorry we're late.
The traffic's a nightmare.
Must've been outta my mind
to come out on Christmas eve.
- Where's Vint?
- Haven't seen him.
He was supposed to
be here 20 minutes ago.
Oh. Oh, there he is!
Oh, hi, baby! Where
have you been?
We got a real problem here.
- We do?
- What is it?
Why the hell's
everybody whisperin'?
Well, I don't know about them
but I've lost my voice.
I think I overdid it last
night with those "Ho, ho, ho."
Oh, my poor baby.
Does this mean you can't do it?
Of course he can't.
Nobody wants a sickly Santa.
Gee, we gotta find
somebody to do it.
Think about those poor children.
If Santa doesn't show up,
they're gonna tear me apart!
I would do it, Bubba,
but I obviously
don't have the shape for it.
Well, neither do I.
Don't you dare look at me!
Oh, come on, mama. It'll be fun.
Forget it, Vinton, I
can't stand my own kids
much less somebody else's.
Young man, is Santa
Claus coming or not?
Oh.
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but it doesn't look like
Santa's will make it.
Aw.
I knew this was a
Mickey Mouse operation
from the word "go."
Yeah!
Please, mister, can't you
ask Santa Claus to come here?
I gotta talk to him.
Well, I-I'm sorry, honey.
I don't think Santa can make it.
But I waited all year.
Look. I got my list.
I wanted to send
it to the North Pole
but mommy said I
can see him in person
and if I can't see him
we won't have any
Christmas at all.
Oh, please!
Well, I'm sorry,
honey. I don't...
Sorry, nothin'! You just
hang on, sweetie pie.
Come here. Come here.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't
leave. Don't leave.
We got a message from Santa.
He had trouble on the road.
He had to change
a flat reindeer.
He's on his way.
Santa Claus is comin' to town.
Do you really think
mama can pull this off?
I don't know, nobody
in their right mind
would take that old
woman for Santa.
Oh, sure they will.
It's Christmas eve.
Nobody's in their right mind.
I wanted to be Santa so bad.
Oh, baby, never mind.
We'll run over to
Ray drugs and see
if we can find somethin'
to bring your voice back.
Mother says you should
gargle with vinegar and rock salt.
Or is that to relax a permanent?
And now, boys and
girls, moms and dads
here he is, direct
from the North Pole
St. Nick himself. Santa Claus!
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
Alright!
Easy, boys and girls!
Santa Claus!
Let Santa sit
down here. Alright.
Okay, that's enough! Back off!
Boy... Santa sure
is on a bummer.
That ain't the real Santa!
It is too!
It is not! That's all padding!
Ugh!
Let me at that
overgrown rug rat!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
You'll have to
excuse Santa Claus.
He flew in from the North Pole.
He's suffering from
terrible sleigh lag.
Yes, well, his high jinx
have overstimulated
my little Maynard.
Your little Maynard lays
another finger on Santa
and I'm gonna over
stimulate his backside!
Please, Santa,
you have to be jolly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ho, ho, ho.
Alright. Who's first?
Me, me!
Swell.
Come here. Climb
up on Santa's lap.
There you go.
Okay, kid. Talk fast.
This won't take long.
I know what I want.
I want masters
of war, a dart gun
an Uzi that squirts
water, space monsters
a cap pistol, and
a hand grenade.
It sounds like you want a
hostile Christmas, Rambo.
I believe in a strong military.
Well, have you been a
good little boy, Maynard?
Don't give me that
guff. Just bring it.
Oh, yeah, and I
want an air rifle.
No! Santa can't
bring you an air rifle.
They're too dangerous.
He could get hurt.
Oh, you're so right.
I'll make sure you get one.
Okay, smile for the camera!
Alright, big fella.
Sit right up here.
What do you want
Santa to bring you?
Well, first of all, I'd like a
skateboard just like Mark's got.
Well, I think maybe
you need to be
a little older for a skateboard.
Yeah, that's what my mom says.
Okay. Then how about
Repulso, the monster man?
Oh, well, no, no.
You don't want one
of them ugly things.
Well, Santa, what are you
gonna bring me for Christmas?
Well, uh, let's see.
Uh... a motorcycle.
A motorcycle? Alright!
Uh, no, of course not.
What was Santa thinkin'?
Uh, I got it. I got
it. A pogo stick.
I already have a pogo stick.
I'll tell you what, how
about I just surprise you, kid?
Now, just smile nice.
There you go.
- It was a bicycle.
- Well, fine!
Remind me never to
play charades with you.
Well, look who we got here.
Bless your little
heart, sweetie.
- What is your name?
- Dorrie.
Well, Dorrie, Santa has
got a sneakin' suspicion
that you have got a
list over there for me.
That's right. How did you know?
Well, that's just one of
the tricks of the trade.
So, what do you
got on your list?
First of all, could you bring
my brother Billy a soccer ball?
And he needs a
new pair of sneakers.
Yeah. That Billy's really
growin' like a weed, isn't he?
Uh-huh. And my dad
needs a new set of tools.
His got stolen off the truck.
Ohh, honey.
And my mom really
gets cold in the winter.
Could you bring her a mink coat?
Santa wouldn't mind havin'
one of them mink coats himself.
Sweetie, you got
everybody on this list but you.
What is it you'd like
Santa to bring you?
Well, if it doesn't
cost too much
could you bring me
a baby love-a-lot doll
in a pink dress?
I tell you what,
you are so precious
I'm gonna see to it that
doll is under your tree.
I love you, Santa.
Oh, I love you, too, Dorrie.
Oh, I tell you what.
I don't know when I've
had such a good time.
Cannot get over how
you made those children
believe you were Santa.
After a while, I started
to believe it myself.
Well, after that shoppin'
spree you went on
the whole mall believed it.
Bring those packages over here.
I got to put labels on them.
Bubba, no fair peekin'.
You can open
this in a little while.
It was so wonderful the
way Kwik Keys donated
that set of tools for
that little girl's father.
Well, that's what
Christmas is all about.
Let's get this Christmas
show on the road.
Naomi, you and Iola
go get the eggnog.
I'll get my packages.
I'll get the
Christmas stockings.
Okay, good idea.
I'm just gonna
light up the tree.
You know somethin'?
This tree doesn't
look so bad after all.
Well, it's Carl's star.
Wh... That wasn't
here when we left.
Wh... How on earth did that...
Well, maybe it wasn't on earth.
Carl?
Carl Harper, did you have
somethin' to do with this?
Well, Carl, bless your heart.
You always said as
long as we had that star
we'd have a happy Christmas.
Thanks to you, this is
gonna be one of the best.
You have a good one, too, Carl.
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ And a happy new year ♪♪
♪♪ Good tidings we bring ♪♪
♪♪ To you and your kin ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ And a happy new year ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ And a happy new year ♪♪
Merry Christmas, everybody.
we have to decide which
Christmas card we're sending.
Now, is it gonna be Rudolph
or is it gonna be the
little children in the snow?
Well, I've always liked Rudolph.
But don't you just love
these itty-bitty children
with their great big eyes?
Yeah, but Rudolph's
got big eyes, too.
Miss Harper, which
Christmas card
do you think that
we oughta send?
Get them bug eyes outta my face.
I got laundry to do.
Now, now.
'Tis the season to be jolly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Tell it to Donner and Blitzen.
I want nothin' to do with
the whole merry mess.
- Oh, now, mama.
- Listen, Vinton.
For 50 years, I have been
in charge of Christmas.
I've jingled your bells, and
I've roasted your chestnuts.
This Christmas, you goons can
just rum-pa-pum-pum without me.
Come on, you mustn't talk
that way in front of Santa.
What in the world
are you talkin' about?
Didn't I tell you, mama?
Out of everyone at Kwik Keys
I got picked to play
Santa at the mall this year.
Well, Vinton, I can't believe
you'd wanna play St. Nick.
I used to drag you kickin' and
screamin' to sit on Santa's lap.
Well, I know, mama, but
I was in the eighth grade.
Grandma, I need
this shirt ironed.
Well, good morning
to you too, Bubba.
When did you start
wearin' a white shirt?
It's for the boys' glee club.
We're singin' carols at
tomorrow's assembly. A capella.
Oh, let's all go
hear Bubba sing!
I love a boys'
choir at Christmas.
That's 'cause you've
never had to sit through one.
There is nothin' worse
than a pimply-faced kid
whose voice is changin'
tryin' to hit "Sleep
In Heavenly Peace."
Say, Aunt Naomi, you
know all about shoppin'.
What kind of a Christmas
present can I buy a girl
that she'll be crazy
about for less than $7?
Not much of one...
unless she and Naomi have
the same taste in jewelry.
Shoot, I gotta figure out
some way to make money.
Hey, Bubba, you can work with me
when I play Santa
down at the mall.
He's too big to be an elf.
They're lookin' for somebody
to take pictures of kids
when they sit on Santa's lap.
- Great! How much do I get paid?
- A buck a picture.
We'll be workin' the busiest
shopping day, Christmas eve.
- Alright!
- Isn't this par for the course?
While Santa and
his helper are out
kickin' up their heels
on Christmas eve
who gets to do all the work?
Cinderella?
Get outta my kitchen
before I turn y'all
into pumpkins!
Here, take your damn shirt.
Merry Christmas, Miss Harper.
The next person who
wishes me a Merry Christmas
is gonna get decked
along with the halls.
Okay, be careful, now, you guys.
Vinton, honey, look
out for the branches!
Okay, okay, okay.
Now, Bubba, swing it around.
Watch out for that... lamp.
What is goin' on?
Oh, Miss Harper, look!
It's our Christmas tree!
Well, I thought it was
the end of the world.
Isn't it a beauty, grandma?
So was my lamp.
Isn't it a bit early
to get a tree?
Early? Miss Harper,
it's December 23rd!
I know. But they're a lot
cheaper after Christmas.
Grandma, you gotta admit it.
There's nothin' like the tree
to get you into that
Christmas spirit.
Yeah, nothin' gives
me more comfort and joy
than cleanin' up pine
needles for two weeks.
Look, here are the lights.
Knock, knock!
And Noel, Noel!
- Hi, Vint.
- Hi, Iola.
- What do you think of our tree?
- It's glorious!
I wish we could have a real
tree, but mother's allergic.
We've just got this old,
rusty, aluminum one.
Well, at least it doesn't shed.
Does anybody see
the end of these lights?
Oh, here, baby, I'll help you.
Iola, what is that thing?
Oh, I just finished
him. Isn't he adorable?
It's a TV guide choir boy.
It's a what?
Fold the pages of the
guide, paint it white.
Makes his little robe. You
pop on a head, a songbook
and there you are.
Well, isn't it somethin'?
You can use different
magazines to make different sizes.
I made over two dozen this year.
Hope you don't feel like readin'
anytime durin' the holidays.
- Why don't you help us out?
- I'd love to.
Nothin' like decoratin' a tree
to get in that holiday spirit.
Oh, will you knock it off
with your spirit already?
Bubba, don't touch those.
You're gonna break somethin'.
I will hand out the
damn ornaments.
Do you believe her?
When I was makin' my
Psychology Today Choir boy,
I read this article on
holiday depression.
I think that's what's
wrong with Thelma.
- What did it say we should do?
- I didn't finish it.
The answer's somewhere
in his little robes.
I can't find it.
- What?
- The star.
What? Daddy's
star? It's not there?
No, I always put it
in this special box
right next to the used tinsel.
Maybe it's in one
of the other boxes.
- What does it look like?
- You remember it.
It's that yellow, wooden star.
Carl made it,
Lord rest his soul.
It always sits on
the top of my tree.
Oh, yeah. That lopsided star.
It might not be up
to your standards
Miss Arts and Crafts.
My Carl whittled it himself.
It's not there anywhere.
Bet you threw it out last
year. You probably threw it out.
Mama, I wouldn't do that.
I'm always real careful.
Just like you were
with them lights.
Grandma, I'll bet if we
looked through the boxes...
Forget it! It's gone!
Carl made that star our
very first Christmas together.
We didn't have enough
money for ornaments
so I strung the tree with
cranberries and popcorn.
Carl whittled that
beautiful yellow star.
He said, "Thelma, as
long as we have our star
we'll always have
a happy Christmas."
Oh, mama. Cheer up.
We'll buy you a new one.
- I want Carl's.
- Oh, Miss Harper...
As far as I'm concerned,
Christmas is canceled.
- Grandma! You can't do that.
- You just watch me!
The only season's greetin' I
wanna hear is "Happy New Year!"
♪♪ O Christmas tree
O Christmas tree ♪♪
♪♪ With faithful
leaves unchanging ♪♪
♪♪ O Christmas tree O
Christmas tree... ♪♪♪♪
♪♪ O knock it off O
knock it off ♪♪♪♪
Lord! Who can sleep
with all of this racket?
We were just singin'
some Christmas carols.
Oh, is that what that was?
I thought it was
cats on a fence.
Boy, grandma, you
sure are on a bummer.
Hey, mama, Come here,
come here, come here.
Look. Is that the best darn
Christmas tree or what?
You got too many big
ornaments up on top.
They're supposed
to go at the bottom.
But nobody can see
'em at the bottom.
I'm glad I put the tinsel
on strand by strand.
It gives the tree such symmetry.
Yeah, and it
balances it out, too.
There's nothin'
balanced about a tree
with the big
ornaments at the top.
Doesn't make any
difference how you decorate.
Without Carl's star, it
isn't even worth lookin' at.
Oh, who cares what's on the top?
It's all the presents
underneath that matter.
Don't be expectin' a
lot of presents from me.
I am not goin' hog-wild.
You are each gettin' one gift.
Great, mama, I'd much
rather have one expensive gift
than a lot of cheap ones.
Oh, yeah?
How do you feel
about one cheap one?
Thelma, I cannot get
over the peculiar way
you are actin' this Christmas.
Me? I'm actin' peculiar?
This from a woman
who cannot stop herself
from makin' choir boys?
Leave my magazine alone!
Well... Uncle Santa, you
all ready for our big day?
Oh, you bet I am!
I took the Santa Claus suit
over to the one-hour cleaners
and they said it would
be ready tomorrow.
Funny how they never
clean anything in an hour.
Oh, don't worry, baby.
I'll pick it up and
bring it to you.
May I go, too? I'd love
to see Vint as Santa.
Are you gonna practice, or
are you just gonna wing it?
Well, there's
nothin' to it, Bubba.
You just put on the suit,
and you say, "Ho, ho, ho."
Is that the way you're
gonna do it tomorrow?
Well, somethin' like that.
- Ho, ho, ho.
- Pathetic.
Them kids are gonna laugh
you right outta that mall.
Uh... what do you
think, Skeeter?
No offense, honey,
but could you give it
a little more oomph?
Oomph. Uh...
Ho, ho, ho!
Ha ha ha!
Them kids are gonna say
"That's just a
locksmith dressed up."
Vinton, maybe you
should try it lower.
Lower. Uh...
Ho, ho, ho.
For pity's sake, you're
supposed to be Santa Claus
not the jolly green giant.
Gee, Uncle Vint, maybe
you need to practice a little.
Yeah, maybe you're
right. Come on, Bubba.
Let's go down to the basement.
Acoustics are better down there.
Ho, ho, ho. Ho, ho, ho!
For cryin' out loud, Vinton,
you're gonna bust a gut!
Hush up, Miss Harper.
You're upsetting him!
If I'm gonna go to
see him tomorrow
I expect him to be good.
Thought you didn't want to have
anything to do with Christmas.
This doesn't have anything
to do with Christmas.
It has to do with
bein' there for my son.
I was there when he was
in the kindergarten
show and wet his pants.
I was there at the
little-league playoffs
when he struck out
and lost the pennant.
And I was at his high school
graduation when he tripped
and knocked the principal
into the orchestra pit.
I'll never miss
anything Vinton does
no matter how humiliatin'
or embarrassin' it might be.
That's what bein' a
mother is all about.
Young man, Santa Claus was
supposed to be here at noon
and it is already 12:15.
Oh, well, he'll be here.
Santa's got a lot to
do on Christmas eve.
So have I.
- We want Santa!
- Yeah.
We want Santa!
Uh, hold on!
Hold on, kids! Hold on!
H-he'll be here!
He'll be here! He'll be here!
His sleigh is stuck
in a holding pattern.
- Thank goodness you made it.
- Sorry we're late.
The traffic's a nightmare.
Must've been outta my mind
to come out on Christmas eve.
- Where's Vint?
- Haven't seen him.
He was supposed to
be here 20 minutes ago.
Oh. Oh, there he is!
Oh, hi, baby! Where
have you been?
We got a real problem here.
- We do?
- What is it?
Why the hell's
everybody whisperin'?
Well, I don't know about them
but I've lost my voice.
I think I overdid it last
night with those "Ho, ho, ho."
Oh, my poor baby.
Does this mean you can't do it?
Of course he can't.
Nobody wants a sickly Santa.
Gee, we gotta find
somebody to do it.
Think about those poor children.
If Santa doesn't show up,
they're gonna tear me apart!
I would do it, Bubba,
but I obviously
don't have the shape for it.
Well, neither do I.
Don't you dare look at me!
Oh, come on, mama. It'll be fun.
Forget it, Vinton, I
can't stand my own kids
much less somebody else's.
Young man, is Santa
Claus coming or not?
Oh.
Well, I'm awfully sorry,
but it doesn't look like
Santa's will make it.
Aw.
I knew this was a
Mickey Mouse operation
from the word "go."
Yeah!
Please, mister, can't you
ask Santa Claus to come here?
I gotta talk to him.
Well, I-I'm sorry, honey.
I don't think Santa can make it.
But I waited all year.
Look. I got my list.
I wanted to send
it to the North Pole
but mommy said I
can see him in person
and if I can't see him
we won't have any
Christmas at all.
Oh, please!
Well, I'm sorry,
honey. I don't...
Sorry, nothin'! You just
hang on, sweetie pie.
Come here. Come here.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't
leave. Don't leave.
We got a message from Santa.
He had trouble on the road.
He had to change
a flat reindeer.
He's on his way.
Santa Claus is comin' to town.
Do you really think
mama can pull this off?
I don't know, nobody
in their right mind
would take that old
woman for Santa.
Oh, sure they will.
It's Christmas eve.
Nobody's in their right mind.
I wanted to be Santa so bad.
Oh, baby, never mind.
We'll run over to
Ray drugs and see
if we can find somethin'
to bring your voice back.
Mother says you should
gargle with vinegar and rock salt.
Or is that to relax a permanent?
And now, boys and
girls, moms and dads
here he is, direct
from the North Pole
St. Nick himself. Santa Claus!
Ho, ho, ho!
Merry Christmas!
Alright!
Easy, boys and girls!
Santa Claus!
Let Santa sit
down here. Alright.
Okay, that's enough! Back off!
Boy... Santa sure
is on a bummer.
That ain't the real Santa!
It is too!
It is not! That's all padding!
Ugh!
Let me at that
overgrown rug rat!
Ha ha ha ha ha!
You'll have to
excuse Santa Claus.
He flew in from the North Pole.
He's suffering from
terrible sleigh lag.
Yes, well, his high jinx
have overstimulated
my little Maynard.
Your little Maynard lays
another finger on Santa
and I'm gonna over
stimulate his backside!
Please, Santa,
you have to be jolly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ho, ho, ho.
Alright. Who's first?
Me, me!
Swell.
Come here. Climb
up on Santa's lap.
There you go.
Okay, kid. Talk fast.
This won't take long.
I know what I want.
I want masters
of war, a dart gun
an Uzi that squirts
water, space monsters
a cap pistol, and
a hand grenade.
It sounds like you want a
hostile Christmas, Rambo.
I believe in a strong military.
Well, have you been a
good little boy, Maynard?
Don't give me that
guff. Just bring it.
Oh, yeah, and I
want an air rifle.
No! Santa can't
bring you an air rifle.
They're too dangerous.
He could get hurt.
Oh, you're so right.
I'll make sure you get one.
Okay, smile for the camera!
Alright, big fella.
Sit right up here.
What do you want
Santa to bring you?
Well, first of all, I'd like a
skateboard just like Mark's got.
Well, I think maybe
you need to be
a little older for a skateboard.
Yeah, that's what my mom says.
Okay. Then how about
Repulso, the monster man?
Oh, well, no, no.
You don't want one
of them ugly things.
Well, Santa, what are you
gonna bring me for Christmas?
Well, uh, let's see.
Uh... a motorcycle.
A motorcycle? Alright!
Uh, no, of course not.
What was Santa thinkin'?
Uh, I got it. I got
it. A pogo stick.
I already have a pogo stick.
I'll tell you what, how
about I just surprise you, kid?
Now, just smile nice.
There you go.
- It was a bicycle.
- Well, fine!
Remind me never to
play charades with you.
Well, look who we got here.
Bless your little
heart, sweetie.
- What is your name?
- Dorrie.
Well, Dorrie, Santa has
got a sneakin' suspicion
that you have got a
list over there for me.
That's right. How did you know?
Well, that's just one of
the tricks of the trade.
So, what do you
got on your list?
First of all, could you bring
my brother Billy a soccer ball?
And he needs a
new pair of sneakers.
Yeah. That Billy's really
growin' like a weed, isn't he?
Uh-huh. And my dad
needs a new set of tools.
His got stolen off the truck.
Ohh, honey.
And my mom really
gets cold in the winter.
Could you bring her a mink coat?
Santa wouldn't mind havin'
one of them mink coats himself.
Sweetie, you got
everybody on this list but you.
What is it you'd like
Santa to bring you?
Well, if it doesn't
cost too much
could you bring me
a baby love-a-lot doll
in a pink dress?
I tell you what,
you are so precious
I'm gonna see to it that
doll is under your tree.
I love you, Santa.
Oh, I love you, too, Dorrie.
Oh, I tell you what.
I don't know when I've
had such a good time.
Cannot get over how
you made those children
believe you were Santa.
After a while, I started
to believe it myself.
Well, after that shoppin'
spree you went on
the whole mall believed it.
Bring those packages over here.
I got to put labels on them.
Bubba, no fair peekin'.
You can open
this in a little while.
It was so wonderful the
way Kwik Keys donated
that set of tools for
that little girl's father.
Well, that's what
Christmas is all about.
Let's get this Christmas
show on the road.
Naomi, you and Iola
go get the eggnog.
I'll get my packages.
I'll get the
Christmas stockings.
Okay, good idea.
I'm just gonna
light up the tree.
You know somethin'?
This tree doesn't
look so bad after all.
Well, it's Carl's star.
Wh... That wasn't
here when we left.
Wh... How on earth did that...
Well, maybe it wasn't on earth.
Carl?
Carl Harper, did you have
somethin' to do with this?
Well, Carl, bless your heart.
You always said as
long as we had that star
we'd have a happy Christmas.
Thanks to you, this is
gonna be one of the best.
You have a good one, too, Carl.
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ And a happy new year ♪♪
♪♪ Good tidings we bring ♪♪
♪♪ To you and your kin ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ And a happy new year ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ We wish you a
merry Christmas ♪♪
♪♪ And a happy new year ♪♪
Merry Christmas, everybody.