Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 9 - Amateur Night - full transcript

Oh, the food looks really yummy.

Who cares?

Come on, worse
things have happened

than gettin' passed
up for a little promotion.

A little promotion?
A little promotion?

You call becomin' the
manager for all the Kwik Keys

a little promotion?

Well, yes.

You don't understand.

I'd have been in charge
of the whole booth.

Now, I'll have to spend
my life as a lousy flunky.



No, you won't. Honey,
please don't talk like that.

Let's just forget it
and enjoy our food.

Well, here we are, folks.
Now, who gets the chili?

- Vint does.
- I get the salad.

There we are, darlin'.

Here's your nice chili.

- Here, baby.
- No.

- Oh, now.
- Um-mmm.

Come on, eat this
for me. Come on.

Vinton, we came to this
hellhole to cheer you up.

The least you can
do is eat that slop

with a smile on your face.

Okay, folks, good evening and
welcome to the Bigger Jigger.

And it sure is good to see
this nice, goodly crowd here.



I'm happy to be here.

This is a step up for me

'cause I played a place last
week that was two steps down.

Anyway, I'm glad
that you're good.

The reason, I have a
couple of announcements.

I wanna tell you that we're
now gonna sign people

up for our big talent contest.

Now, if anybody out
there can sing or dance

or tell jokes, this
is your chance.

You know who you are
because you got a chance

to make it big in our
extravaganza tonight.

Hooray, hooray town!

Ooh, a floor show!

Doesn't that sound like fun?

They'll do anything to
keep your mind off the food.

Now, now, I just wanna say
that the winner of tonight's contest

is gonna be headlining
our Saturday night show.

Plus, they're gonna take home

this first prize of a crisp...

brand-new $100 bill!

A $100!

A hundred bucks, honey!
Maybe we should sign up.

I don't think your act
would be allowed in public.

I'm saying that Vinton
should sign up for the contest.

Oh, good Lord. What
on earth can he do?

The same thing he did last
month at the Harper family reunion.

Overeat?

No! Don't you remember, Frannie?

You played the piano,
and he sang and danced.

Yes, you mean, his
Fred Astaire imitation.

That's right. And
you were terrific.

Why, he stole the show.

Well, that's because
I made all my kids

take tap-dancing lessons.

There ain't a Harper
that can't sing and dance.

Except for Eunice.

Honey, you can
sing. You can dance.

You are just oozin' with talent.

I smell a victory, Vinton.

I hope it smells better
than my Salisbury steak.

Is anybody over here gonna
sign up for the talent contest?

Yes. He is.

Oh, uh...

Okay, Frank. Right now,
folks, we wanna introduce

a lovely young lady,
Millie Thompson

doing something she calls...

Fiesta Accordiana.

Fiesta Accordiana. Five bucks
says she plays "Lady Of Spain."

Pay up.

Naomi's not gonna
get back in time.

- I won't be able to go on.
- Good.

Just as well, that fellow
that played the spoons

has it all wrapped up.

- I made it.
- Oh!

Here, honey, let me
put your tap shoes on.

Means I'll be able to go on.

How was Frank Lampizzi?

His sister works at food circus.

Well, you missed
it. He was terrific.

Did he swallow his nose?

Thank God, he didn't sneeze.

I'm sorry it took me so long.

I couldn't find
your sheet music.

- Here, Frannie.
- Oh!

And for the star of the show...

your top hat and your cane.

You better give 'em to me.

No, mama, you better hold
these. My hands are sweatin'.

No, I better take 'em. I
need to get the feelin'.

No, you better hold 'em. I
need to go to the men's room.

Again? Oh, they're gonna
start chargin' him rent.

He seems a lot more nervous
now than he was when I left.

It's been a real picnic,
him actin' like a chicken

with his head cut off and
her actin' like Daffy Duck.

Well, what's the matter
with you, Frannie?

Nothin', I just didn't realize
when we convinced Vint to go on

that I'd have to go on too.

Oh, don't worry.
You're gonna be fine.

So will Vint, as soon
as he gets up there.

- He will not.
- He will too!

- He will not!
- He will too!

It's "Rapunzel" all over again.

It is not!

What's "Rapunzel?"

It's a show that Eunice and
Vint put on when they was kids.

Where Eunice was
supposed to be Rapunzel

and Vinton was
supposed to be the prince.

Anyway, when he got...

Will you take that
squeezebox and scram?

Anyway when he got in
front of all them strangers

this glassy-eyed look come
over him, kinda like a toad.

When he opened his mouth,
nothin' would come out.

Just stood there. Poor Rapunzel
had to climb up her own hair.

What makes you think something
like that's gonna happen again?

Because he's got the
same glassy-eyed look

like he's just about to croak.

Thank you very much.

That was just great.

Millie Thompson, thank you.

- Uh, Vint.
- Huh?

- You're next.
- Oh, yeah.

Oh, I can't remember the
song. I can't remember the steps.

Of course. you can, honey.
Now get a hold of yourself.

Tell him there's nothin'
to worry about, Fran.

Why? Are we on?
Where's my sheet music?

- Where's my music?
- In your hand!

Oh, I say call this
whole thing off.

Yeah, mama's
right. I can't go on.

Uh-uh, Vinton
Harper is not goin' on.

Oh, thank you, Skeeter.

Fred Astaire is goin' on.

- Is he here?
- No, honey.

Don't you know why you're
so good at doin' Fred Astaire?

Because when you do
him, you are Fred Astaire.

- I am?
- Yes!

Just keep tellin' yourself,
"I am Fred Astaire.

A great, big
handsome movie star."

Well, I can tell myself
I was Queen Elizabeth

but I don't think
anybody would crown me.

That could be
arranged, Miss Harper.

You get on up there, honey,
and you just tell yourself

"I am Fred Astaire." Okay?

Frannie, go over to the
piano and play your heart out.

Frannie is not
going to that piano.

Liberace is.

That's the spirit.

Well, this whole
table's gone wacky.

- Mr. Astaire.
- Yeah?

- Your hat.
- My hat.

- Oh, Mr. Astaire.
- Uh-huh?

- Your cane.
- My cane.

Ladies and gentlemen,
moving right along with our show

let me introduce a man that's
gonna sing and dance his way

right into your hearts.

Vint Harper!

Good luck, baby! I love you!

- Oh, I can't look.
- Don't look.

♪♪ I'm ♪♪

♪♪ Puttin' on my top hat ♪♪

♪♪ Tyin' up a white tie ♪♪

♪♪ Polishin' my cane ♪♪

♪♪ Oh I'm ♪♪

♪♪ Dudin' up my shirt front ♪♪

♪♪ Puttin' in my shirt studs ♪♪

♪♪ Polishin' my cane ♪♪

♪♪ Puttin' on the ritz ♪♪

Alright!

♪♪ Puttin' on the ritz ♪♪

Alright, Vinton. Alright.

Way to go, baby. Alright.

Did you see that?

I didn't know I could do that.

♪♪ 'Cause I'll be there ♪♪

Alright.

♪♪ Puttin' on my top hat ♪♪

Sell it, Vinton!

♪♪ Tyin' up my white tie ♪♪

♪♪ Polishin' my cane ♪♪

♪♪ Isn't it a lovely day
to be caught in the rain ♪♪

♪♪ And I'm polishin' my cane ♪♪

Oh, baby.

That's my son up there!

I knew he had the guts!

Well?

Way to go, baby!

You knocked 'em dead!

I guess, I guess we all agree.

There's-there's no question
who our big winner is tonight.

The $100 goes to Vint Harper!

You ain't seen nothin' yet.

Wait till you see
the show tomorrow.

I'll knock ya in the aisles.

Thank you. God bless.

I couldn't have done it without
all of you, my wonderful fans.

You're what's made
it easy to be great.

Oh, hey, hey.

- Drinks for everybody.
- In a hen's heinie.

Love ya, babe.
Mean that sincerely.

Hi, there, doll face.
What's your sign?

Oh, never mind that, Vint.
Would you sign my pocket?

Your...

- Please sign this!
- Oh! Ooh! Ooh!

Oh, look how that's
cheered him up.

See that, he acted like
he didn't even know us.

Naomi, I fear you may
have created a monster.

Which makes you the
bride of Frankenstein.

You better get over
there. Ain't you jealous?

Lord, look at the
size of her pockets.

No, I'm not jealous.

He's the first husband I
ever had who became a star.

Frannie, what are you doin'?
Playin' with your elbows?

Well, there you are.

One hatband all fixed.

Oh, here he comes.

Hi, hon...

Here I am. It's a new me, huh?

Can you dig it?

I'd like to bury it.

Oh, get with it, mama.

I bought this at
Mr. Macho on the mall.

I've seen their ads.
Dress now, pay later.

Well, if you don't make
payments, will they repossess?

Oh, one can but hope.

See, see. What
do you think, kids?

I don't know. I'll ask my
father when he gets home.

I think it would look
better on Naomi.

Oh, you're a bunch of civilians.

You don't understand showbiz.

Well, I don't care what
anybody says, honey.

I think it's sexy.

Well, you're not gonna
encourage him in this craziness?

- Who says it's craziness?
- Look at him!

Mama, in the biz, you gotta
develop your own image.

And another thing, you
gotta change your name.

From now on, I'm
gonna be Vinnie Vegas.

Vinnie Vegas.

Does that make me Naomi Vegas?

Oh, that name's
gotta be changed.

Dad, I just worked
all day on this.

Work on it some
more. Buzz, help her.

I'm polishin' your tap shoes.

Forget about that.
I won't be usin' 'em.

I'm not doin' that tacky,
old Fred Astaire routine.

What? If you're not doin'
Fred Astaire, what are ya doin'?

Oh, you're gonna love it.

Here, Fran. We're doin’ this.

It's dynamite.

"I gotta be me.

"You're gonna hear from me.

My way."

I call it my Me medley.

I can tell you that
this me can't learn

this medley by this evenin'.

Well, okay.

Okay, Frannie, if you
can't cut the mustard

I'll just use Joe
down at the Jigger.

He's a professional
piano player.

Well, fine. You use Joe.

You just use Joe
and quit usin’ me.

Vinton Harper.

Vinnie... Vegas,
whatever your name is.

You apologize to your
Aunt Fran right now.

- For what?
- You insulted her.

What about me?
Everybody's been insultin' me.

Well, you deserve it.
You've acted like a jackass

ever since you won that contest.

I gotta get out of
here. I need to breathe.

I'm goin' to the Jigger
to rehearse with Joe.

- I'll see you all at the show.
- Well, you won't be seein’ me.

Put a ditto under that.

I see. I see.

And what about you, Naomi?

Oh, no matter how you behaved

I'm gonna be there
to support you.

Oh, hey, babe, hey, hey, hey.

Hands off the threads.

They're goin' on tonight.

But, honey, I'm your wife.

Uh, yeah. That's another thing.

Uh, don't bring
that up at the Jigger.

It might hurt my image.

Just, uh, tell 'em
you're a groupie.

A groupie?

A groupie!

Well, that does it.

I wouldn't set foot
in your stupid show.

Oh, so you're all
desertin' me, huh?

You know, that's
okay. That's okay.

I'll walk alone.

I'll build a stairway
to paradise.

I'll go my way by myself.

No, don't!

Drop me off at Cindy's first.

Yeah, me too. The
ballpark's on the way.

I bet Frank Sinatra never
had to drop off his kids.

He is the stubbornest
husband I've ever had.

If he wants to make a fool
of himself, that's his privilege.

And his birthright as a Harper.

Now, just a minute.

Don't try to pin
this on the Harpers.

This failure is
strictly Vinnie Vegas.

Ma, he's probably gonna
get laughed off that stage.

Well, let's hope
they just laugh.

You know that Jigger
crowd when it turns ugly.

Oh, Lord.

They'll probably string him
up by his phony gold chains.

Oh, Frannie. Lord!

Why, I can't let that
happen to my Vinnie.

Come on, groupies.

Mama Vegas to the rescue.

You see, after every,
"I gotta be me..."

- I go "ba-bum, ba-bum."
- Yeah.

Hey, you catch on fast.

It's great workin' with a pro.

I wouldn't know.

Well, well, well.

So, you just couldn't stay away

from the sweet smell
of success, could ya?

The only thing I smell in
here is a ham that's turned bad.

Hush now, Miss Harper.

Vinton, I brought you
your top hat and your cane.

I brought you your sheet music.

I brought you the love
and support of a mother.

Fred Astaire's mother. Get it?

Forget it, mama. I need
to grow. I need to expand.

I need to comb my hair.
I'll be in my dressing room.

I got somethin' to
say, and you'll listen.

We'll talk later, mama.

We'll talk now.

I can't let you come in here.

I can't let you go
out on that stage.

Do you mind? We are tryin'
to have a private conversation.

Mama, I came in here to prepare.

Go ahead and
prepare. I won't look.

Oh!

Vinton, you better
get a grip on yourself.

You are ridin' for a fall.

- You don't understand.
- I do understand.

Because the same thing
happened to me when I was a girl.

You sang at the Jigger?

Vinton, have those tight pants

cut off the circulation
to your brain?

I am talkin' about when I
was the jump rope champion

of the second grade.

Excuse me.

Miss Harper, have you
managed to change his mind yet?

- I'm tryin' to.
- Thelma.

Will you come out of here
before they call the vice squad?

Will everybody quit interruptin'
me? I'll be out when I'm done.

Alright, but please
hurry, Miss Harper.

Yeah, Miss Harper. Please hurry.

Oh, Frank, I wanna
congratulate you on your act.

You were wonderful. I don't
know how you make all them faces.

Oh, look at that. It's
harder than it looks.

Vinton, this is Frank Lampizzi.
Frank, this is my son, Vinton.

- And this is, uh...
- Tom.

Tom, this is Vint and
Frank, and you're Big Yank.

How do you do? I'm old Thelma.
Here's Vint, Tom, and Frank.

- Now, where was I?
- Yeah, in the second grade.

Right. Vinton, I am tellin'
you, there was nobody

that could beat me at jumpin'
rope. I was such a pistol.

What's this got to do with me?

Hey, Thelma, get to the
point. I'm kinda in a hurry.

Well, you shouldn't have
drank so much beer, Frank.

Anyhow I was such a hotshot
jump roper that nothin' would do me.

So I finally had to challenge
Mary Ellen Thornhocker, you see.

Now, she was the champion
of the fifth grade and...

For cryin' out loud.

Frank, you go guard this
door? Don't let anybody else in.

If anybody tries to
get in, swallow 'em.

Fine. Now, where was I?

- That girl, Thornhocker.
- Thank you. Mary Ellen, yes.

Anyway, we were
going neck and neck

until I had to challenge
her to do Double Dutch.

What's Double Dutch?

Two ropes, fool.

The point is, Vinton...

The point is here, you
are askin' for a second rope

and you're gonna hang yourself.

Are you sayin' if I go out there
as Vinnie Vegas, I'm gonna fail?

Oh, Vinton, you're gonna
stink to high heaven.

But, mama, I wanna be somebody.

Well, you are somebody, baby.

You're a fine son, and
you're a terrific father.

And you're a
great, little dancer.

Oh, I love you, mama.

Well, I love you too, baby.

I'd go to the ends
of the earth for you.

If this place isn't it,
I don't know what is.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's showtime.

Well, it looks like it's
goodbye, Vinnie. Hello, Fred.

Alright, that's my baby.

Here you go. Grab that doorknob.

- Here we go.
- Here you are.

Well, what the...

You, big moose.
Look what you've done.

Oh, we're locked in here.

How are we gonna
get out of here?

- Frank!
- Frank.

Frank Lampizzi, are
you still out there?

Oh, Lord. The dumb cluck
probably swallowed his ears.

Frank!

Frank!

Can anybody hear me?

Oh!

You know, I still can't believe it
took somebody from Kwik Keys

two hours to open
that men's room door.

I think you should have had
the new manager fire him.

He is the new manager.

That never would have happened

if they had made
you the new manager.

No, that's alright. I'm not
upset about that anymore.

I learned a very
important lesson tonight.

What? That no
matter what happens

you're still my superstar?

Nope. Never leave the
house without your toolbox.

Come on, baby. Let's go to bed.

Well, that's one act
that never changes.

- Have fun, kids.
- We will. Goodnight, mama.

- Nighty-night.
- Goodnight, Aunt Fran.

Goodnight, goodnight.

Lord, Frannie, I swear

I've been through a
regular porcelain hell.

Thelma...

what was it really
like in there?

Well, were there all
kinds of little sayings

written on the wall?

Good Lord, Frannie,
who could read the walls

with all them people in there?

There was this one
little poem though.

Yeah?

There was a young
girl from Nantucket.

You're gonna love this, Frannie.