Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 10 - The Mama Who Came to Dinner - full transcript

Oh! Evening, mama.

- Aunt Fran.
- Hello, baby.

Well, you two are up kinda
late. Are you havin' a good time?

I found me a third of a book
of stamps I didn't know I had.

I tell you the excitement
nearly did her in.

Well, did you all have a
nice time at your dinner party?

Oh, yeah, it was grand.

A roast goose stuffed
with Chinese mushrooms.

Can you beat it?

Mushrooms is nothin',
but glorified toadstools

and I thought that
bird was greasy.



But you gotta admit that
Nita and Butch's new house

is really somethin'. Oh,
you oughta see this house.

If you like interior decoration.

Personally, I think matching
drapes and wallpaper

is very unimaginative.

Well, Naomi, are
those green eyes I see

above that nose
that's out of joint?

I am not jealous
and I will thank you

to keep your nose
out of my nose.

If you're not jealous
then, what is it, Skeeter?

Honey, it's that
stuck-up Nita Peterson.

Well, you were
standing right next to me

when she told the Ortells
how much she loved their luau.

Well, what's wrong with that?



She was practically
rubbing our noses

in the fact that we're
the only one of our crowd

who hasn't had
everybody over to dinner.

She was practically implying
that we couldn't even have

a dinner party even
if we wanted one.

- Why, sure, we could.
- We could not, honey.

We don't have a decent
place to have a dinner party.

Well, Naomi, I think
it would just be lovely

if you asked your
friends over here.

Thelma could make Aunt
Ida's chicken casserole.

That's always a
big crowd-pleaser.

Oh, no, you don't.

I throw a dinner party every
blessed night of the week

just trying to feed
my own brood.

Oh, Thelma, now, come
on. It could be a lot of fun.

We could all pitch in.

Why, the kids and
I could help serve.

Oh, no need to go that far.

Just cook the dinner,
then go to the movies.

I'll finance the popcorn.

Well, sounds like
a bum's rush to me.

You take credit for the meal

and I'm the one
that has to stand

with my bosom over the burners.

No, mama, it's not
that. It's just that...

I don't think you'd
really enjoy our friends.

They're just like us.

Oh, never mind, Vinton.

Our friends like to
put on the dog, anyway

and anything we could have
for 'em here would just be...

Second-rate? Is that what
you're gettin' ready to say.

That my house isn't good
enough for your stuck-up friends?

- Yes, that's right.
- You just hold on a minute.

Just for the record, your
Nita Peterson and her

highfalutin goose
can't hold a candle

to Aunt Ida's casserole.

And I make it better than
Aunt Ida. Right, Franny?

Oh, I should say so. Cousin
Leroy certainly thought so.

You better believe it.

On his deathbed,
his last request

was for my chicken casserole.

He didn't meet St. Peter
with no goose on his breath.

Come on, honey. What
do you say? Hmm?

Well, I suppose we could
put some leaves in the table.

No! You know what you could do?

Why, you could
serve it buffet-style.

Oh, Franny, what a great idea!

I'm gonna send invitations.

"Y'all are invited
to a social buffet.

Our food and our drinks
will just put you away."

Doesn't that sound classy?

Just like a page right
out of Amy Vanderbilt.

Now, it isn't classy for people

to be trying to balance
plates on their knees

and dripping food
all over my furniture.

Now, don't you
worry, Ms. Harper.

No one's gonna drip a thing.

Look at this. 13-G.

"Four mahogany-simulated
TV trays complete with wheels

to roll from patio to
your fanciest dinner."

- Three books.
- Three books?

No, no, you don't!

I've been savin' these books

to buy me a heatin' pad.

Are you forgettin' that
when I moved into this house

I came with nearly a
whole kitchen drawer

full of those tradin' stamps?

Yeah. It was part of her dowry.

That's right.

Well, come on, honey.

Hmm?

Let's go to bed and plan.

Oh.

It's gonna be so elegant.

- Franny...
- Yes, Thelma?

Did that hillbilly Barbie doll

just waltz in here and talk
me into throwin' a dinner party

and then take all
of my tradin' stamps

to buy herself TV trays?

I'm afraid she did, Thelma.

Shoot. Here I sit
with no heatin' pad

and she's down there
plannin' her brains out.

Now, Ms. Harper, I
hope you didn't put

too much salt in that
chicken casserole.

You know, Roy Ortell
has a slight heart condition.

- He's on a low-sodium diet.
- Naomi.

I am not about to
change the recipe.

In all these years, nobody
has ever dropped dead

after eatin' Aunt Ida's chicken.

Except, of course, Cousin Leroy.

Well, he doesn't count.

He had one lip in the
grave before we ever

fed him his first bite.

Okay. It's just that
I want everything...

To be perfect. I know, I know!

Thelma, listen, before
we leave this house tonight

we've got to get together on
what picture we're gonna see

and I do think that we
owe it to the children

to show them somethin'
uplifting and educational

so my personal
vote is for "Gandhi."

It's "Gandy," and forget it.

Last time I paid decent money to
see a movie about a bald person

it was "The King and
I" and that was enough

to last me a lifetime.

Don't eat the hors
d'oeuvres, honey.

These are for my company.

I want everything
tonight to be...

To be perfect.

Right.

Now, listen up here, missy.

When the timer
bell goes off in there

you got to take the
casserole out of the oven

put a lid on your green beans

you got to start
your rice boilin'

and stick your buns in the oven.

Come on, you three,
we better shake a leg

if we're gonna make
that 7 o'clock show.

Just what 7 o'clock show
might that be, Thelma?

"E.T."

E.T. pho-o-o-ne ho-o-o-me.

What is it with you and "E.T."?

Sort of reminds me of
Vinton when he was a baby.

Sonia, will you take
this magazine... Oh!

What's the matter, grandma?

Uh-oh. Vinton!

- Are you stuck?
- She's havin' a back spasm.

Oh, Vinton, get in here, quick!

Come on, let's get
her over to the couch.

Oh, no! Take her right upstairs!

- Let's get her up...
- Don't touch me. Don't move me!

- Vinton, get me on the floor!
- She's right, she's right.

The only thing to do, when
she gets one of these spells

is to lay her flat on the
floor until the spasm passes.

Oh, Lord! Oh, careful, there!

Oh! Oh! Oh, my
Lord, this is a doozy!

Is there anything else
that the kids and I could do?

No, no, you run on
ahead to the movies.

Vint and Naomi
can take care of me.

- What?
- If you're sure.

'Cause "Gandhi" does
start in five minutes.

I hope you get better
real soon, grandma.

She's gotta get better.

- Bye, grandma!
- Come on, kids!

Oh! I should have known better

than to stand on my feet all day

debonin' that chicken
without my arch supports.

Ms. Harper, how long do one
of these spasms usually last?

- Usually 10 or 15 minutes.
- Oh!

Of course, sometimes
it last as long as a week.

Well, we got to do something
to speed this one up.

Honey, run upstairs and get
her heatin' pad for her. Hurry up.

No, oh, just... Thanks
to your dinner party

I ain't got a heatin' pad.

Why don't you heat up
one of them new TV trays

and slide that
under my back? Oh!

Well, don't just stand
there! Your company's here.

Open the damn door
and let the good times roll!

- Hi!
- Hi!

Vint, how are you?

Oh, Naomi, it was so sweet
of you to invite all of us.

Buddy, we are gonna
have fun tonight. Ow!

Oh, hush, now, Roy.

Vinton, Naomi, what a
lovely little home you have.

There seems to be a charming
little whatnot in every corner.

There seems to be a charming
little whatnot everywhere.

Who have we here?

Oh, that's nothin', Nita.

It's just my mother-in-law.
Pay no attention to her.

Okay, everybody,
I've got hors d'oeuvres!

And who wants a drink?

Would you mind if I ask
what you're doin' down there?

'Course not. I'm
the new throw rug.

It's the bear's week off.

Mama's just havin'
a little muscle spasm.

Yeah, but she's
gonna be goin' upstairs

as soon as it passes.
Right, Ms. Harper?

- Oh!
- Well, bless your heart.

Maybe we should all just go
home and let you rest in peace.

No, no, I wouldn't dream
of spoilin' your party.

Why should your fun be
ruined by my agony? Oh!

Nita, I have two kinds
of hors d'oeuvres...

One with real cheese.
Come on, everybody.

Yeah! Come on, Come on.
Come on, you guys, come on!

Well, now, don't be
fillin' up on that junk

and ruinin' your
appetite for the meal

that put me on this floor.

None for me, thanks.

Me, neither.

Oh!

Mmm.

Had me a weak back,
about a week back.

Hush, now, Roy.

No, that's a joke.

Weak back about a week
back. You get it, Ms. Harper?

What I get is that you're
makin' fun of someone in pain.

Well, come on over
here, everybody!

- Belly up to the bar.
- Oh!

Vinton.

Vinton, why don't you just
bring that stuff back over here?

Roy was just gettin'
ready to tell us some jokes.

Come on back, Roy!

Well, sir, there was
these two sailors

and they'd been
at sea for months

so finally they got a leave.

Well, they go into this bar

and there's this great, big
woman named Amazin' Grace.

- So the one...
- H-h-hold it right there.

I hope this isn't one of
those smutty off-color stories.

Excuse me.

Vinton, a couple I'll help
you with those beers, buddy.

Do you usually park it on
your coffee table at home?

Ms. Harper, do
you feel well enough

to be carried up to
your own room now?

I do not and I wish everybody

would go on with their party

and just forget about
my painful back.

Oh! Oh! Ah!

Nita, did you know that

Pam Taylor married a
doctor? She did, Mar' Sue.

- A surgeon! That man makes...
- I tell you...

My doctor wanted me to go
into the hospital for this back

and I said,
"Nuh-huh, don't want it

don't need it,
don't give it to me."

My Cousin Lucille had
to go under the knife.

Lord rest her soul. Poor thing.

She went into that hospital.
She never come back out.

Bled like a stuck pig.

Six pints of blood
they gave her.

The dang stuff was comin'
out faster than it was goin' in.

For heaven's sakes.

Mar' Sue, come on.

Let's put the
coosine on the table.

Oh!

Come on, everybody,
let's give her a hand.

I'll watch.

Well, I'm glad you're
havin' a good time, mama.

Well, now that you mention it

this party is goin'
nowhere fast.

You better hustle up
your supper, quick.

Matter of fact, if I hadn't have
kept the conversation goin'

these people would have
skipped out of here a long time ago.

- For your information...
- Oh!

It is your conversation

which is makin' these
people so uncomfortable.

What makes you think
that anybody's interested

in hearin' about your
family's medical problems?

Well, fine! I'll just lie
here on my back in pain

and I won't say another word!

Anyway, this thing was
the size of a grapefruit.

Now, the doctor
said it was a goiter

but after he cut it
out, he said it wasn't.

Well, Ray Earl still
keeps it in a jar of alcohol

on his coffee table.

And to this very day

they still don't know
what the dang thing is.

My, this certainly
is a tasty dinner.

Well, you sure are a
bunch of picky eaters.

Who's up for seconds?

Everyone is capable of
lookin' after themselves.

Thank you.

Bet I didn't use enough salt.

Fess up. Not enough
salt in that chicken, I bet.

Mama, the chicken tastes great!

Shoot. Without salt, my
chicken's a dead duck.

Ms. Harper, now, I
would be more than happy

to fix you a plate of this food

so that you can see for yourself

just exactly
what it tastes like.

No, no, you kids go on
and finish your supper.

Just because my
stomach is gurglin'

I wouldn't dream to
puttin' you to the trouble

of feedin' an ailin' old woman.

Boys.

Well, now, I was wrong.
That is a right tasty dinner.

I bet it was even better
when it was warm.

I think I need me a little
more of that beer. Boys?

Certainly, Mrs. Harper.

Good Lord, Naomi, I
couldn't chew a bite that big

with all the
poligrip in the world.

Let me cut it in half
for you, Ms. Harper.

I certainly wouldn't
want you to choke.

Never mind. I'm done. Boys?

- Well, thank you all very much.
- Who's up for some dessert?

Well, no, never mind dessert.
I couldn't eat another bite.

Well, if you don't
mind the rest of us

might want to try some.

Are you sure you wouldn't
care for anything, Ms. Harper?

I'd be honored to feed you.

Well, thank you, Nita.
Aren't you a sweet girl?

Naomi, I don't think
she's the least bit stuck-up.

You know, to hear
her talk you are nothin'

but a highfalutin snob...

married to some bum who's
livin' off your family's money.

You know, Mrs. Harper

it is one of the
responsibilities

of the upper class to rise
above the slings and arrows

of the petty and the jealous.

You know, Nita,
you got a lot of class

for a dame with a
rip in her drawers.

Goodnight!

Let's all get together
again real soon!

I don't know when
I've had such fun!

I don't know when I've
been so embarrassed.

Well, Naomi, I don't know
what you're so upset about.

I thought your party
was a big success.

Mama, most successful
parties that start at 7 o'clock

do not end by 8:15!

You practically ran those
people out of the house!

Oh, well, I like that!

I break my back makin'
you a fancy dinner

and then, through my sufferin'

I manage to be
the life of the party.

And now you're blamin'
me for your failure as a host.

It wasn't me lookin' up
Nita Peterson's dress!

Okay, okay!

Hush, both of you.

Let's just forget that
tonight ever happened.

I can't believe you're
bein' so calm about this!

Well, honey, it's not
your mama's fault

that her back went out.

Could have happened to anybody.

There's no point
gettin' angry about it.

Naomi, you're
new to this family.

You don't understand
this woman like I do.

I'm telling you, she ruined
our party on purpose!

No, she didn't, Vinton.

She was only actin'
like she always acts.

Now, I think, the
best thing for you to do

is to go downstairs,
pull out the sofa bed

and cool off, okay?

- I don't want to go to bed.
- Well, honey, I do.

Oh. Heh heh heh heh heh.

Me too. You won't
be too long, will ya?

No, I won't. I just
want to take care of...

one or two things here...

and then I'll be
right down, okay?

- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

Goodnight, mama.

Where's my kiss?

Goodnight, mama.

Nighty-night, baby.

Well, I am glad that
you've finally gotten

a chance to see first-hand
the suffering and abuse

that I have to take at the
hands of my ungrateful children.

Oh, Vinton was just upset

but he'll get over
it, Ms. Harper.

After all, it was nothin'
but a stupid dinner party

for four of our closest friends.

All my life I've had to
sacrifice and do without

only to have the
failures of my children

thrown up in my face.

I mean, who cares that
everyone all over town

will know that Vinton's
mama's a lunatic?

Who cares that I won't
be able to show my face

at my place of employment...

- The Food Circus.
- Well, what the...

Who cares that Nita Peterson

will never be comin'
here to dinner again?

It was just an illness.
You couldn't help it.

It struck you without warnin'.

Naomi, have you
completely taken leave

of what little sense you had?

I can’t see a blessed
thing under here.

Well, I'm sure you're gonna
be every bit as comfortable

as you made my friends tonight.

Well, alright, now, Naomi.
Come on. The joke is over!

Come on, coots. Get me
out from under here right now!

Naomi! You are not
leavin' this room, are you?

Nighty-night!

Well, for pity's sa... Naomi!

You better high-tail
it back here right now!

You hear me?

Well, good Lord,
If Fran and the kids

went to a double
feature, I'll kill 'em.

Shoot. All that beer I
drank is startin' to get to me.

Uh-oh.

He-e-e-e-lp! He-e-e-e-lp!

Isn't somebody out
there walkin' their dog?

Shoot, they must be!

I find them little presents

on my lawn every mornin'!