Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 8 - Aunt Gert Rides Again - full transcript

Oh, honey.

Mm. Just put your
finger right here, honey.

Whatever you say, snooky-wooky.

Now, hold it really tight

and don't let go
till I tell you to.

That better be my
present you're talkin' about.

Thelma, thank
goodness you're still here.

I thought you'd be
long gone by now.

I would've been if this
bow had been tied faster

by snooky and wooky.

Thelma, I have this
birthday present for Gert.



Please give it to
her with my love.

I most certainly will not.
She's your cousin too.

You ought to be payin'
her a birthday visit, too.

Thelma, you know I was never
as close to Gert as you were.

She was my best
friend in the whole world.

You and she were always
sneakin' off and laughin' and jokin'.

- I was never a part of that.
- Yes, you were, Frannie.

You were what we were
laughin' and jokin' at.

Which is another reason I
am not going with you today.

Aunt Gert was probably the
craziest person in the family.

I thought your Aunt
Effie held that title.

Oh, Aunt Effie had papers
to prove she was crazy.

Aunt Gert was just fun.

If you think being childish
and immature is fun.



You're still mad about
that trick she pulled on you.

- I am not.
- What happened?

Frannie won some
little essay contest

so they picked her to lead
this big May-day processional.

Anyway, she's all dolled up

and Aunt Gert comes
runnin' up to congratulate her.

Congratulate?
Sabotage was more like it!

While she's huggin' her,
she drops this big old frog

down the back
of Frannie's dress.

I'm tellin' you, with
Frannie leadin' that parade

we covered the entire parade
route from the high school

to the City Hall in 2
minutes and 28 seconds.

- It was not funny!
- Oh, it was hilarious.

Shoot. Every step
she took, she went..

On second thought, I don't
think Gert deserves this present.

- Oh, Frannie..
- What?

- There we are, all finished.
- Oh.

Now, isn't that pretty?

It ought to be. It took forever.

Do you want it fast,
or do you want it good?

Hey, Skeeter, how come you
never give me a choice like that?

Because you never leave
me any choice, angel.

Mmmm.

Alright, you two, I should
be back in a couple of hou..

Well, criminiddly.

If wrappin' one present
gets you this turned on

Christmas around here
should be a real barnburner.

Gertie?

Is that you, Thelma?

Well, Gert, I hardly
recognize you.

All the color's
gone from your face.

They have this thing
around here against color.

Oooh oooh!

Well, everything's
real cheerful, though.

Who are you kiddin'?

It's like living
inside a golf ball.

I guess they got
to keep it this way

so there won't be any
strange, little germs

runnin' around loose.

Why bother?

The boredom would kill them.

Well, happy birthday, Gert.

I know your birthday
isn't till tomorrow

but I got a church
social tomorrow

so I thought I'd bring
your present by today.

Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh!

It's beautiful, Thelma.

Did you wrap it yourself?

Yeah.

I'll open it later.

Did I come at a bad time?
Was you sleepin' or somethin'?

I'm always sleeping.

That's our biggest
form of exercise in here.

Oooh oooh!

Hello, Mrs. Corey.

Oh, I see you have
a friend visiting.

And who might you be?

Well, I might be
Elizabeth Taylor..

But as luck would have
it, I'm Thelma Harper.

Now, Mrs. Corey, I want you to
swallow these right down for me.

- What are those?
- Just little pills.

I can see that.
What are they for?

They're tranquilizers
to calm her down.

Well, if she was any
calmer, she'd be a doily.

Mrs. Harper, could I talk
to you for just a second?

There you go.

Now, you see..

We're planning a
surprise birthday party

for Mrs. Corey
tomorrow in the rec room.

All of her friends
are going to be there

and you're certainly
welcome to join us.

She can go in my
place since I'm not going!

Now, Mrs. Corey

how did you find
out about the party?

You have a party for everyone
who has a birthday here.

Big surprise.

They think we forget.

Mrs. Corey, you're
a naughty girl.

Now, don't tell anyone
else you know about this.

Why, what'll she do

send you to bed without
watchin' "Sesame Street"?

Oh, you get used to that.

Everyone treats us
like children in here.

Thelma, dear, would
you get me another pillow?

It's in the closet over there.

Sure thing, Gertie, I'll get it.

I'm real sorry I can't
come to your birthday party

but I know it's gonna
be a lot of fun for you.

Oh, where's my favorite girl?

I feel like a little
action in the sack.

Well, no wonder you
stay in bed all the time.

Excuse me. I-I didn't know
there was anyone here.

How do you do?
I'm Thelma Harper.

I'm Alvin Thompson.
You must think I'm terrible.

Well, I wouldn't know, but
I'll be sure to ask Gert later.

There is nothing between us.

Can't you see? She's
too young for me.

We have a May-December romance.

Yeah. We may
sometime in December.

He's cute, Gert. If you
don't grab him, I'm goin' to.

What are you doin'
New Year's eve?

Hopefully recovering.
Oh, Gert, she's fun.

A lot like you used to be
when you first got here.

Gertie and me had a lot
of good times together.

Oooh oooh!

Our good times are gone forever.

They don't have to be.

I'm ready, willing,
and possibly able.

Well, Gertie, how can you be old

when you're still
gettin' offers like that?

Thelma, you'll understand
when you get to be my age.

Oh, horse pucky, Gertie.

I'm gonna be your age
in about 20 minutes.

I'm not talking about
how many years I've lived.

I'm talking about how old I am.

Well, that's nonsense.
You're a young woman.

She's an old woman.

Oh, mama, I hate to
see you actin' like this.

Well, I can't help it.

Shoot. I loved that woman
more than my own sister.

Why, thank you very much!

Oh, Frannie, it's just
a figure of speech!

Shoot. We did
everything together.

We got in and out of trouble.

That's what makes
this so difficult.

Part of me is in there
growin' old with her.

Oooh oooh!

Oh, Thelma, now, now.

Ms. Harper, I know you're
upset about your friend

but here, now.

Let's put your feet
up nice on this pillow.

Let's put this over
your little shoulders.

There we go.

Here, mama, drink
this. It'll relax you.

Thank you, Vinton.

Well, what is this?

It's a nice cup of warm milk.

Well, what the
hell's goin' on here?

You got me lookin'
like Aunt Gert!

- We're just trying to help.
- That's what's wrong with Gert!

She got so many
people doin' things for her

she can't do
nothin' for herself!

That's exactly what I'm
gonna tell her tomorrow!

I don't think you should meddle.

After all, Gert is a few
years older than you.

You are as young as you feel!

Right now, I feel like a beer!

Gert?

Hello, Thelma.

I didn't think you
were coming today.

Forget about that church
social, I wanted to come by

and see how you liked
that gift I brought you.

I didn't get a
chance to open it yet.

Well, I can see
how busy you are.

It's almost noon and you
ain't even out of bed yet.

- I don't wanna get out of bed.
- You're gettin' out, I say.

Nobody opens a gift
from me lyin' down.

Now, come on. Get over here.

Here's your dang present!
Happy birthday! Open it!

I don't know why
you're doing this.

I could have opened this someday

when I had nothing to do.

I'll fix that hair
of yours, too.

If I had a dust mop
that looked like this

I'd throw it out
and get a new one.

- I like my hair this way.
- Don't kid me, Gertie.

Bozo the clown wouldn't
like his hair this way.

- How do you want it?
- I want it left alone.

You're not
gettin' it left alone!

I'll just fix it the
way I want it.

How do you like that sweater?

Oh, hoo, hoo, hoo!

Oh, it's beautiful!

Would you put it in
the drawer for me?

I most certainly will not!
You're gonna wear it today!

I like the way I'm dressed now.

When was the last
time you wore anything

besides them
pajamas and slippers?

None of your business!

Here. I think this
would look nice with it.

You're getting on
my nerves, Thelma!

Well, good. At least that
proves you're still alive.

Which one do you wanna wear?

I'm not getting dressed!

I have no reason to get dressed!

You wanna look nice
for your party, don't you?

- I'm not going to any party!
- You're goin' to that party!

Now, which dress
do you want to wear?

I'm not wearing this one!

I'm not wearing this one!

I'm not wearing this, or
this, or this, or this, or..

Now, there's the Gert
that I know and love!

Stop tormenting me! Just get
out of here and leave me alone!

I will not leave you
alone, and I'll tell you why

because when I first
started to grade school

nobody liked me, and everybody
called me watermelon bottom.

You were the only
one that stood up for me

and was my friend.

Oh, Thelma, that was
a hundred years ago.

You didn't give up on me then.
I'm not givin' up on you now.

Which dress do you wanna wear?

I don't know.

Here, I'll help you pick 'em up.

Watermelon bottom!

Quiet, everybody!

The birthday girl will
be in in just a minute!

You can practically cut
the tension with a knife.

Now, remember, when she
comes in, everybody holler surprise

but not too loud.

We wouldn't want to surprise
her too much, would we?

Surprise!

Oh, what fun we're having!

Be still, my heart.

Don't ever say
that in this place!

♪♪ Happy birthday to you ♪♪

♪♪ Happy birthday to you.. ♪♪

Well, by the time
they finish this song

the cake will be stale.

Why should the cake be any
different than the rest of us?

♪♪...you ♪♪

♪♪ To you ♪♪♪♪

That was lovely.

Thank you, Johnny.

Wait a minute. Where's
he goin' with the cake?

Ain't you gonna let her
blow out the candles?

We have people on staff
who do that, Mrs. Harper.

Happy birthday, Gert.
You look gorgeous.

Attention! Attention, everyone!

Now we're going
to have lots of fun

playing a nice, little game.

Why do you talk like that?

This isn't "Mister
Roger's Neighborhood."

Well, let's play our regular
game of musical chairs!

- Oh, goody.
- Come on, everybody!

Take your seats!

That's it!

Everyone participates!

Come on, Mrs. Corey.

Gertie, you're not gonna
play this dumb game!

We have to. It's the rules.

They tried to make us play
pin the tail on the donkey once

but we couldn't get
the nurse to bend over.

And here we go!

Alrighty!

Once again!

Stop!

Now, hang on just a minute here!

I haven't played
this in a lot of years

but ain't you supposed
to take a chair away?

Oh, no, there's too much
risk of someone getting hurt!

What the hell's the point here?

The point is it's good for
the cardiovascular system.

Well, so is this.

Boo!

Mrs. Harper, I
know what I'm doing!

In a hen's heinie!

Well!

This is the dullest
party I've ever been to!

Doesn't anybody
here play the piano?

Well, get over here!

Let's get a party
goin', for cryin' out loud!

Alright, Gertie, here we go!

We'll do that song
we used to do.

We haven't done that in years!

I don't even remember the words!

Oh, come on now, don't you
remember all these little things

we used to do like that?

Don't make a jackass
of me! You'll remember it!

Hit it, over there!

Come on, now! Think, Gert!

♪♪ No one to talk
with all by myself ♪♪

♪♪ No one to walk with
but I'm happy on the shelf ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't misbehavin' I'm
savin' my love for you ♪♪

There you go.

That's it!

♪♪ I know for certain
the one I love ♪♪

♪♪ I'm through with flirtin'
it's just you I'm thinkin' of ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't misbehavin' I'm
savin' my love for you ♪♪

You do remember it, see?

♪♪ Like Jack Horner
in the corner ♪♪

♪♪ Don't go nowhere
what do I care ♪♪

♪♪ Your kisses are
worth waiting for ♪♪

♪♪ Do do do do do
oo-ah oo-ah oo-ah ♪♪

♪♪ Boom boom boom
boom boom boom ♪♪

Come on! Everybody!

♪♪ I don't stay out
late Don't care to go ♪♪

♪♪ I'm home about eight
Just me and my radio ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't misbehavin' I'm
savin' my love for you ♪♪

♪♪ No one to talk with
all by myself.. ♪♪♪♪

What's going on here?

We're havin' a party!
Now, get out of our way!

We're goin' down
to intensive care!

Who in the world could that
be at this time of the mornin'?

With my luck, it's
probably Robert Redford.

Well, Gertie?

What in the world are you doin'

'at this time of
the mornin' here?'

Well, come on in and sit down!

We never got to sleep.

After you left, the party
kept right on going.

Is everything
alright? I thought I..

Gert?

- Frannie!
- Well, Gertie!

My little queen of the May!

You don't have a frog
or anything, do you?

Who was at the door?

- Why, Aunt Gert!
- Vinton!

Oh, my little Vinton!

Oh, mercy, how you've grown!

Now, Aunt Gert, you
saw me just last year.

Well, maybe I shrank.

Vint, this is Alvin Thompson.

How do you do? Oh,
this my new wife, Naomi.

Very pleased to make
your acquaintance.

Never mind all this chitchat.

I wanna hear about this
rip-snortin' party you had.

- Rip-snortin' party?
- A party?

- It went on all night.
- All night? My goodness!

I think I'm gonna have
to hear about that myself.

I'm just kidding.

I wanna hear about
this party, now.

Well, along around midnight

we started playing post office.

We all wore signs,
"Fragile. Handle with care."

I kept calling Gert's number

and she kept calling my number.

Playin' post office at your
age sounds so romantic.

Well, it was after we both
remembered how to deliver.

Hey, Skeeter, how come we
never play post office anymore?

You two have graduated
to Federal Express.

Well, at least it beats bein'
in the dead-letter office.

'You should've
seen Mrs. Brandon.'

She got up on the table and sang

♪♪ Let me entertain you ♪♪♪♪

- Oh, no!
- She took all her clothes off!

Oh, could you die?

That's about when
the party broke up.

It was the best time
we ever had there.

Thelma, we've
you to thank for that.

Oh, horse feathers!
I'll fix you breakfast.

And then Vinton
can drive you back.

We've already had breakfast.

In bed.

The nurse should be
out of intensive care

in about three days.

That sounds like the
kind of old-folks home

I want us to go to
when we're old, honey.

Our rooms are vacant.
We're looking for an apartment.

You're not!

Yes, of course.

We're healthy and... vigorous.

And in love.

They frown on that in there.

They think you should breathe

but not heavily.

Oh, Gertie. I'm so happy
you're gettin' out of that home.

Oh, so am I.

We're looking for an
inexpensive, little place

one or two rooms.

But they must allow children.

Oh, Thelma, Thelma, Thelma.

We've been friends
through school

through our whole lives

but you've never been a better
friend than you're right now.

Oh, Gertie.

Now, tell me, when can we
look forward to this wedding?

Oh, there's not
gonna be a wedding.

We're just gonna live
together for a while.

'Gertie, you are just as
crazy as you ever were.'

'Thelma, why don't
you find yourself a man'

'and we can go up to Raypoint
and park like we used to?'

'I might find me a man and
we could go up there and park'

'but you'd have to remind
me what to do next.'