Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 18 - Harper Versus Harper - full transcript

[theme music]

[music continues]

Naomi, what are
you doin' in here?

This is my kitchen.

Well, I'm cookin'
breakfast for my family!

Well, you're makin'

more of a mess for
me is what you're doin'.

Now I gotta come in here
and clean up after you.

It's bad enough I got the
whole house to clean up

and my vacuum cleaner
that I've had for 26 years

just up and died and
went to Hoover heaven.



But, Ms. Harper, I didn't
ask you to clean up after me.

- Oh!
- You're welcome, Naomi.

Come on, mama. I'm sure
Naomi's real appreciative.

Aren't you, Skeeter?

Oh, absolutely.

Let me thank you, Ms. Harper,
for dumpin' out the breakfast

that I just made for my family.

Let me thank you for not
lettin' me cook or clean

or do the wash for my
husband and stepkids.

In short, thank you very much

for makin' me feel like a
guest in my own basement.

There, you see, you can't
get much more appreciative

than that.

Now, come on, mama, you
got to lighten up on Naomi.



I don't have time to lighten up.

I gotta clean up this mess
and I gotta go figure out

what I'm gonna do
without a vacuum cleaner.

Hey, you're not
gonna believe this

but I've got the
solution to your problem.

You're right. I
don't believe it.

[chuckles] Naomi's got a
vacuum cleaner downstairs

she's never even used.

Now that I believe.

I gave it to her for
a wedding present.

I remember she stored it
away when she moved in here.

- Well, get it up here.
- Why don't I go get it up here?

[knock on door]

(Naomi) Would
somebody kindly unlock

this door?

Well, good Lord. What
are you doin' out there?

Why don't you take
your keys with you?

Oh, who takes the keys
to go out to the trash?

Besides, I can
never find my keys

because every time I
put 'em down someplace

you move 'em someplace else.

I will not have you throwin'
your keys all over my house.

Your house, your
kitchen, your this, your that.

Nothin' here belongs to me.

I have nowhere to put anything!

Where do you two
think you're goin'?

- To the carnival.
- Oh, no, you're not.

But Naomi said we could go.

Just who are you to be tellin'
them they can go off on a toot

when they've got chores to do?

I just happen to
be their stepmother.

By marriage. I happen to be
their grandmother by blood.

I say you're gonna go out

and clean the garage
like you were told.

Oh, grandma.

[sighs] Bummer.

Oh, I'm sorry, kids.

Ms. Harper, you have
no business tellin' them

that they must stay home after
I have said that they may go.

Well, you got no business
tellin' 'em they can go

when they've got
chores to do for me.

Here you go. All your
problems are solved.

♪♪ Dum ♪♪

Vinton, what is that?

Somethin' you wouldn't
know anything about.

That is my vacuum cleaner.

Good answer. Tomorrow
we'll learn what a dishrag is.

Vinton, why would you lend
somethin' of mine to your mama

without askin' my
permission first?

Honey, it's no big deal.

It's not like she's borrowin'

your toothbrush or anything.

But, honey, this was
a present from you!

Are you gonna let
me use this sucker

or do I get down on
my hands and knees

and pick up the fuzz
balls with the tweezers?

Oh, alright, you've
taken everything else

that belongs to
me in this house.

You might as
well take that, too.

Oh, well, far be
it... Oh, just use it.

Well, if you insist.

[vacuum cleaner whirring]

Hey, Buzz, check it out.
Grandma got a new vacuum.

That is my vacuum.

Say, be careful with it.

Thelma. Thelma, that machine
is making a very funny sound.

Are you sure you have
it on the correct setting?

It's got an on-off switch.
That's all I know about it.

I don't think
that's runnin' right.

I think you better turn it off.

I think I smell
something burning!

We're all gonna go up in flames!

Oh, stop gettin'
hysterical. Everything's fine.

[vacuum cleaner clanking]

- Grandma.
- Well, what the...

Ms. Harper, turn off my machine!

Oh!

[screams]

(Naomi) You ruined my vacuum!

I-I think you better
pull the plug, Vinton.

[sobbing]

- Oh.
- You've ruined it!

Oh, well, now, maybe it
just needs a little adjustment.

Honey, it is burned to a crisp!

Well, so is my rug!

You ruined this vacuum cleaner.

Well, your vacuum
cleaner ruined my rug!

Now hold on. I'm sure we
can get to the bottom of this.

- Ouch!
- Careful, dad.

That might still be hot.

Oh, it's jammed.

Yeah, there's something in there

but I-I don't think
I can reach it.

Here, let me try.

- Well?
- Well, that's my key ring. Tsk.

Don't you have better sense
than try to pick up a key ring

with a vacuum cleaner?

Since when do you
leave your keys in the rug

where people are vacuumin'?

Now, let's not lose our heads.

Oh, just hush up.

Are you gonna pay me
for this vacuum cleaner

which you have
single-handedly destroyed?

I most certainly will not!

You pay me for the
rug and we'll call it even.

Then I will see you in court!

You sure will 'cause
I'm gonna be sittin'

in the courtroom
waitin' for you...

Well, you can't sue me

because I intend to sue you!

Oh, yeah? Tell it to the judge.

[indistinct chattering]

Quiet, please.

[indistinct chattering]

Everyone, please rise.

Honorable Judge Wendell
E. Packard presiding.

Small-claims court
is now in session.

Well, it's about time.
That's what we're here for.

Because of her
carelessness, a rug

that has been in my family
for years has been ruined.

You did that yourself,
and she broke my

brand-new vacuum cleaner in...

Oh, that's right, I
always set fire...

(Packard) Quiet.

Quiet.

Now I want you all
to listen very carefully.

I will conduct these
proceedings in an orderly fashion.

I will guarantee everyone
an opportunity to be heard

but you will not speak

except, in response
to my questions.

Is that clear?

Yes, Your Majesty.

- Your Honor.
- Thank you.

No, Your Honor is
how you address me.

Your Honor or sir.
Is that understood?

It's your court.

You may all be seated.

[Packard groans]

Now, I know that
you've all been sworn in

and I've read your complaint.

Well, you do that just like

on "The People's Court."

I beg your pardon?

Judge Wapner on
"The People's Court."

I am not interested

in what happens on
"The People's Court."

Well, you ought to be, you could
learn something from Wapner...

except for yesterday, he
gave a whole bunch of money

to some fella that was
lyin' through his teeth

just like she is.

Miss... Mrs. Harper,
approach the bench.

- What?
- Come up here.

Well, he doesn't know
very much about furniture.

That looks more like
a desk than a bench.

- Just get up there.
- I'm goin'!

- Go on.
- Come on!

Here I go. I'm
approachin' the bench.

Mrs. Harper, it is
the duty of this court

to determine who's telling
the truth and who isn't.

I know that.

I will not permit you
to accuse anyone

of not telling the truth again.

- Alright.
- Alright.

Now go back to your place.

Between you and me,
she's lyin' through her teeth.

[pounding gravel]

Get back!

This fellow's got
a very short fuse.

Now if we can, uh
proceed with this hearing

Mrs., um, "Thelma Harper..."

Yo!

You are suing for, uh, "$85"

to reweave the
rug. Is that correct?

A rug that my mama, Lord
rest her soul, willed to me.

Is that correct?

A rug that I loved and cherished

and intended to hand down
to my own children, unburned.

Are you asking
$85 to have it fixed?

Yes, and that's a bargain.

[sighs]

Now, Mrs., uh, "Naomi Harper."

Oh.

Yes, Your Honor?

Uh, you are, uh, uh
countersuing for $79

to, uh, repair the motor on the
vacuum cleaner. Is that right?

A vacuum cleaner which was
given to me by my beloved...

Just answer the question.

Well, how come
she gets to tell you

all about her mama
and everything

and I don't get a
chance to say nothin'?

Alright. Who gave it to you?

That vacuum cleaner
was given to me

by my beloved present
husband, Vinton Harper

as a promise of the love nest
which we would one day share.

Oh, and you'll get it,
too, Skeeter, I swear.

Oh, baby!

Stop that!

Now, look! Everyone had
better just start behaving

in a manner befitting
this courtroom

or I'm going to start handing
out some contempt citations!

You see that? Now you've
gone and made him mad.

Mrs. Harper, I will conduct
this hearing if you don't mind!

Now, what happened
with the cleaner?

Well, sir, I needed
a vacuum cleaner

to do my household chores

so Naomi here
insisted that I use hers.

I allowed her to use it

because I wanted to be
a good daughter-in-law.

She allowed me to use
it 'cause I'm the only one

in the house that
ever does any cleanin'.

Oh, that's not true, Your Honor!

[clamoring]

Order in this court.

I said order!

- He's talkin' to you.
- I am talking to both of you!

Now, get back to your places!

Back!

- You are lyin'!
- Hush!

(Judge Willard) Now,
listen to me, both of you!

Do you see this robe?

Yes, sir. It's exactly like one
my Aunt Minnie used to wear.

They wouldn't let her
have bows or shoelaces

or belts or nothing. You know...

I don't care about
your Aunt Minnie!

Well, neither did Uncle Dooly.

I think that's what
probably sent the woman

right over the edge.

I only care about
getting this case settled

getting you out of my
courtroom, and out of my life!

Now, you tell me what
happened with the cleaner!

Oh...

Well, sir, I was vacuumin'

as I have been doin' my
entire life, when suddenly

this vacuum started
makin' a real funny noise.

- May I respond to that?
- No.

Are you gonna let him
speak to me like that, honey?

Sit down!

What, what kind of a
funny noise did it make?

Well, sir, i-it kind of
got louder and higher...

Uh, Your Honor, sir, this
is my granddaughter, Sonja

and, uh, well, she doesn't
know how to use a vacuum

but she can
imitate it real good.

Show him how it went, baby.
Right in there. Show him.

[clears throat]

[loud groaning]

[coughing]

[sputtering]

Thank you. That
was very helpful.

- Oh, do you mean that?
- Not really. Sit down.

(Judge Willard) Please
go on, Mrs. Harper.

Well, after that, it caught fire

and burned a big hole in my rug

which brings me to Exhibit A.

Bailiff, take that
up there to him.

I don't understand.

If you were
operating the machine

why do you hold your
daughter-in-law responsible?

Well, sir, I've got an
answer for that one, too

and I would like to
call my next witness

my grandson, Vinton Harper, Jr.

Uh, Come on, Buzz. We
call him Buzz. Come on.

Just relax, Buzz, and tell us
what you know about this thing.

Yes, sir. Uh...

I found that key in the
vacuum, which caused the fire.

That brings me to
Exhibit B, Your Honor.

Bailiff, take that up there.

Now, Buzz, tell Your Honor
just exactly whose key that is.

- Naomi's.
- That's it! Case dismissed!

Tell her to give me my money.
Let's get the hell out of here!

Mrs. Harper, I will
not tell you again.

Now, let me handle this case!

Now... Mrs. Naomi Harper

did you lend the vacuum
cleaner to your mother-in-law?

No. It was my husband
who actually lent it to her.

Had I been present at the
time, I would have said no.

Hah! She ain't never
said no in her life.

Let her talk!

You can't believe a word
this woman says, you know.

She's been married three times.

So have I.

Uh-oh.

- Please, go on.
- Thank you.

Your Honor, may I
approach the bench?

What?

May I approach the bench?

Who are you?

Well, my name is
Miss Frances Crowley.

I am the baby sister
of the defendant, here

and I, I live with both
of these defendants

because I'm just a
maiden lady that...

Come up! Come up!

What?

[whispering] There's
something I want to confess.

Confess to what?

Well, all this
talk about the rug

and-and-and being here
in a court of law and all

has made me feel so guilty

and I-I just want
to throw myself

on the mercy of this court.

Now, now, don't-don't
get upset, now.

Calm down, now, but...

What? What are you guilty about?

Well, Your Honor

it is true that it
was a beautiful rug

and it did belong
to my dear mother

but there was always
something about it

that I just hated.

Yes.

What?

Well, you know, you
know that ugly little tag

that sticks out at the side

that says, "Do not remove
under penalty of law?"

Yes.

Two years ago... I removed it.

I'll tell you what.

Normally, this is
a capital offense...

but if you'll just sew it on

we'll forget the whole thing.

I don't sew.

Well, then, pin it on!

Sit down!

Now, if we can get
back to this case...

Uh, Mrs. Thelma Harper
was operating the vacuum

and some keys belonging
to Mrs. Naomi Harper

jammed the motor.

Now, do you have anything
to say in your defense?

I most certainly do, Your Honor.

I would like to call
my star witness...

Vinton Harper.

- I object!
- To what?

Is it legal in this state

for a man to testify
against his own mother

his own flesh and blood

the woman who brought
him into this world

who wiped his nose
and diapered his behind...

before Pampers?

- Is that legal?
- Yes, it is.

Just askin'.

Go on.

Thank you very much, sir.

Now, baby, did you lend that
vacuum cleaner to your mama?

Yes.

Had she ever used
that cleaner before?

No. Nobody had
ever used it before.

Now, I want you to think
very carefully, sweetheart.

Before your mama started
to use that vacuum cleaner

did she read the
instruction booklet?

Oh, good heavens! I
don't need instructions!

I know that rug like
the back of my hand!

But you didn't know
my vacuum cleaner

and I think she used it
wrong, and burnt up the rug

and ruined my cleaner
all at the same time.

May I have a chance to
defend myself here, Your Honor?

May I please call Vinton Harper?

- He's my witness!
- He's my son!

Well, he's my husband!

It is my courtroom!

Isn't it?

- Call Vinton Harper.
- Vinton, come here!

- Oh, honey.
- Bye, Skeeter.

I'll miss you.

Get over here!

Now, Vinton Harper...

what exactly is it that
you do for a living?

I'm a locksmith, mama.

- You know that.
- Just answer the question!

I'm a locksmith.

He's a locksmith.

Is it not true that over
the past two months

you have made
four sets of keys...

for one Naomi Harper?

- Yes, I did.
- Ah-ha!

Why?

[screaming] Why?

Because she kept losing
'em all over the house.

That's it. Case dismissed.

Give me the money,
you lamebrain.

Maybe I keep losin' 'em

because you keep suckin' 'em up

in your vacuum
cleaner, you old bat!

Is she allowed to use
that kind of language?

Vinton, how many vacuum cleaners

did your mama break in one day?

- Well, two, but...
- Two! Two, Your Honor!

How long had this
rug been in our family

before she committed sabotage?

- As long as I can remember.
- That's right.

You're not gonna stand
up for her, are you?

He's gonna stand
up for his mama!

He loves me more!

- You piece of trash!
- He doesn't...

Oh! Slander!

Mrs. Harper!

And... Mrs. Harper.

You are both found
in contempt of court.

The fine is $100 each.

If anybody speaks,
moves, or even blinks

it goes up another $200.

Is that clear?

[chuckles]

Excellent.

Now, because I think you're
both responsible for the negligence

I order that you each
pay your own damages.

Court is recessed.
This case is closed.

I'm going out for a beer.

As for you, Vinton Harper

if you have a half a brain
in your head, you'll join me.

The nerve of that Packard fella.

He ain't fit to
judge a bake-off.

I can't believe
he fined me $100.

Well, I can't believe
he fined me $100.

That's the smartest
thing he did all day.

Why? It was all your fault.
You started the whole thing!

I have never seen the
inside of a courtroom

till you darkened
my door, missy!

Now, that's enough!

I'm sick and tired of
listenin' to both of you!

Now, tomorrow, I'm
gonna turn the rug around

so that the hole is
underneath the couch

and then I'm gonna fix the
motor in your dumb vacuum.

Well, why didn't you
say this 100 bucks ago?

- 200 bucks ago...
- Quiet!

Now, I am goin' in the
kitchen to get myself a beer

and if I hear one more
peep out of either one of you

I'm gonna come out here and
tie both your tongues in a knot!

(Thelma) Boy, is he
hot under the collar.

(Naomi) Yeah, and I’m gonna
get to him before he cools off.

(Thelma) Well, get to
him down in the basement.

I've already got one
hole burned in my rug.

[theme music]