Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 2, Episode 19 - Mama's Birthday - full transcript

[Dixieland music]

[music continues]

- None for me, mama.
- Yup.

- Good morning, grandma.
- How are you?

You having a nice day?

- Don't start up.
- Yeah.

Be careful what you
say on mama's birthday!

That's right, I told you
I don't want no fuss

no cards, no
presents, no nothin'.

Good mornin', all.

(all) Hi, Ellen.



Bonjour, mama.

Well, bon ami to you too.

Lord, that's not
a present for me?

Oh, right, mama, it's
not a present for you.

Well, good.

I brought back Grandma
Crowley's cut glass punch bowl.

Grandma, isn't there
something you really want?

Well, there is one thing.

(all) Tell us! Tell us!

Yeah, you know I've been
plannin' on cleanin' out

the attic today. We can
do it in two or three hours

if everybody pitched in.

The attic?

I-I'd love to, grandma



but... I'm allergic to dust.

(Mama) Vinton.

Uh, uh, oops.

My back's gone out again.

I wonder why.

How about you, backbreaker?

Oh, I couldn't,
Ms. Harper, um...

I'm afraid of heights.

My horoscope today says
to stay away from antiques.

Well, what about you,
Buzz, what's your excuse?

I can't think of any, grandma.

So I guess I'll have to help.

You got no imagination,
Buzz, but I love you.

I'm tellin' ya, I'm
tellin' ya. Oh, look here.

Here, this is crazy, old
Aunt Minnie. I'm telling...

In those days,
President Roosevelt

used to get on the radio
and give fireside chats.

Well, bless her heart

your Aunt Minnie would
just chat right back.

Well, that doesn't
sound so crazy.

But she didn't have a radio.

[laughs]

Well, you sure got some
great old stories, grandma.

You know the one I'd
really like to hear about.

What happened on
your 30th birthday?

Oh, I don't wanna go into that.

Well, I guess 30 must be
a pretty tough age to face.

Kind of like your
life's comin' to an end.

You might find this hard
to believe, Buzz, but when I

turned 30, I actually thought
my life was just beginnin'.

- Really?
- Really.

Come on, grandma,
tell me about it.

- Well...
- Please!

Alright, but you got
to keep working here.

- Okay.
- It started out pretty good.

I was gonna have
a real nice party

with all my family and friends.

- And dad was there, too?
- Oh, yeah.

He was just a little shaver.

Ellen and Eunice
weren't much older.

[instrumental music]

Alright kids, who wants to come
down, help me put up this bell?

- Me!
- Me!

I'll do it, mama.

All right, Ellen, baby.

Let me do it!

No, Vint, the person who
comes downstairs first

gets to do it. That's the rule.

No, Ellen, that's a
rule you made up.

You let your brother help you.

All right. Just as long as
Eunice doesn't horn in on this.

I heard that!

You gimme that
bell, or I'll kill you!

- I came downstairs first.
- I don't care.

- It's my turn.
- It's my turn!

All right, girls. There's
enough fun for everybody.

I'm not gonna have this arguin'.

I'll just put the
bell up myself.

Can I hand you the bell, mama?

Oh, yes. Sure you can, Vinton.

V-Vinton!

Thank you, sweet pea.

Ha ha!

- Ow! Mama!
- Oh my God. Stop that fightin'!

I'm not gonna have it!
This is a very special day.

Your birthday.

Yeah, that's right, Vinton.

It's also the day that
we're gonna celebrate

your daddy's promotion.

What's a promotion?

Don't you know
anything? It's like at school.

You get promoted from
one grade to the next.

What grade is daddy going into?

He's goin' into a real
high grade, Vinton.

He's goin' from just
a loader on the dock

to supervisor of
all the loaders.

- Isn't that wonderful?
- Yeah!

What does it mean?

It means that your
daddy's gonna be the boss.

Everybody will look up to
him, we'd have lots more money

and we'd get all the things
we've always wanted.

I want a whole set
of storybook dolls

and a playhouse of
my own and a pony.

Well, most of the
things we've wanted.

Well, mama, I
want singin' lessons

and tap lessons
and piano lessons

and drama-a-a-tic lessons!

Yes, I know, Eunice.

Can I have... a truck?

Oh, Vinton, we're all gonna
have our hearts' desires.

What are you gonna get, mama?

I'm gettin' the heart's desire
of every woman in Raytown

a 19-cubic-foot deep-freeze!

Everything's gonna be
just beautiful from now on!

I'll get that.

Oh, Vinton, let go of mommy.

Vinton... cut me some slack.

Hello?

- Hello, Thelma.
- Oh, mother.

You kids run along and play.

How is my lovely
mother this lovely day?

What's the matter with
you? You sound funny.

I'm just happy!

Oh, is that it?

Everything is just wonderful!

Well, no, it isn't.

My bursitis flared
up. It hurts like hell.

I won't be able to
come to your party.

Oh, no, mother, I really
wanted you to be here!

That is all you ever
think of is what you want.

(Thelma on phone) You were
supposed to bake my birthday cake!

Well, I couldn't bake it.
Not with this shoulder.

Shoot, you gotta beat
the batter 500 times.

I can't even beat it once.

Well, why didn't
you call me sooner?

I am in pain

couldn't bear to
lift my phone up

until just this minute.

Well, alright. I-I'm sorry
about your shoulder, mother.

And-and don't
fret about the cake.

I'm gonna do somethin', uh...

Kids, be quiet, please, I'm...

Hold on a minute, mother. Kids,
keep it down in there please...

I'm tryin' to talk on the phone.

Vinton, get mama her
cookbook. Will you, please?

- Gimme that! Gimme...
- You girls.

Put a lid on it. Now
I'm warnin' you!

- Here, mama.
- Thank you, sweet pea.

Ha!

- Hello, mother?
- Cookbook?

Thelma, you're not gonna
try to bake a cake, are you?

I am looking up
a recipe right now.

Look, you need a
recipe to boil water.

I can't talk to you right
now. I'm gonna start here.

Why don't you just do without a
cake? Only the family is comin'.

It is not only the family.
We got Carl's friends too.

We're also gonna
celebrate his promotion.

Fiddlesticks. Carl ain't
gettin' any promotion.

I know a loser when I
see one and Carl's got

"kick me" written
all over his face.

Hold on for a minute, please?

Ellen, check if we've
got some eggs?

And, Vinton, get flour out
of the cupboard for mama.

Mama, what do I get to do?

Just be mama's
precious little girl, all right?

You may not have
faith in Carl, but I do.

I'm so sure about his new job

that I ordered that freezer
we saw at Niedermayer's...

Heartache! You
ordered heartache!

You poor thing, you
better just call and cancel it.

Wake up and smell
the coffee, Thelma!

You married a bum.

Mother, I am not
gonna fight with you.

Today is my birthday,
and I deserve to have a...

[dial tone]

Someday, old lady.

Let's get started here.
Ellen, go get me the sifter.

Eunice, you can help
me measure out the flour.

Be real careful 'cause I
think I got just about enough.

I'm gettin' the flour

and you're only
gettin' the sifter.

I like the sifter.

[door closes]

Carl? Carl, is that you?

[door slams]

Carl, where are you?

Carl, are you in the bathroom?

(Carl) Yes, yes.

Well, what happened?

Happened?

Well, Carl, don't tease me!

When you're
startin' your new job?

We'll talk about
it when I get out!

[doorbell rings]

Oh, God, who can that be?

[sighs]

I got a delivery here for
a Mrs. Thelma Harper.

I'm Thelma Harper.

Sign here, and
I'll bring her in.

Carl! There is a
brand-new freezer

comin' into this house,
which we cannot afford

if you did not get that new job!

What are you talkin' about?!

Well, come on out here and see!

[metal clinking]

What do you want me
to do with this thing?

Don't ask me now!

[gasps]

Well, what in the world?

They had a fight.

Tattletale!

Ow!

She threw the flour at me!

She was supposed to catch it.

You are both gonna catch it,
if you don't clean up this mess!

Lord, what am I gonna
do for a cake now?

Where did they go?

Carl!

There is a brand-new
freezer sittin' in this house

so I know that's gotta
mean you got that job.

I know you got it. The
only other person they

could give it to would be

that big, wishy-washy
Bert Wembly.

Ha ha! What a
laugh! Ha ha! Ha ha!

You guys are always sayin'
what a big joke he is, huh?

You always tell me how the
guys on the dock are callin'

him a big goon, right, Carl?

Carl?

You don't have to tell me how
this turned out because I know.

Bert Wembly got
that job, didn't he?

Yeah.

Well, it's all right, Carl.

It's not the end of the world.

It just feels like it.

[indistinct chattering]

Carl.

Carl, everybody is
startin' to ask about you.

Come on out, now. Come on.

So you didn't get the job.
I know you tried your best.

Mama, Eunice is
telling everybody

to fill up on sandwiches
'cause there isn't any cake.

Oh, Lord! I forgot
all about the cake.

Excuse me, Ruth, I
gotta get a birthday cake.

But, mama, there is no cake!

We didn't make one, remember?

Yes, Eunice, only too well.

I think I got somethin'
here that'll do the trick.

This fruitcake will be just fine

for my birthday.

Isn't that left from Christmas?

Well, yes, but it
hasn't been touched.

I know I wouldn't touch
it. Fruitcake, blech!

Oh, I need a steam
drill for these candles!

Mama, do you want
your present now?

- Can I give you your present?
- No, Vint.

You give the presents later!

Yeah, in front of everybody

so they can see what you gave.

But I wanna give it now.

Oh, well, all right, Vinton. I
could use somethin' nice now.

Here.

Oh, Vinton.

Did you make this yourself?

You can see he did.
The heart's all lopsided.

It's clearly the
work of an amateur.

Aw, I love it, Vinton.

You know what
I'm gonna do with it?

I'm gonna put it in the middle
of the cake like a decoration.

There, now maybe
nobody will notice

the damn thing's a fruitcake.

Oh, thank you, baby!

- Oh!
- What about me?

- Can I give you my present?
- And me?

All right, girls. Vinton.
Oh, come on. Let go.

Come on. Let go.

Let go, baby.

[gasps]

How interesting!

Well, it looks just
like a fruitcake.

Yeah, actually this is what
princess Elizabeth Rose

of England has on her birthday.

Really?

Mommy, here's your present.

Oh, I wonder what this could be!

They're roller skates!

Yes, I can see that.

It's just exactly what I
wanted. I tell you what, Ellen.

Why don't you
break 'em in for me?

- All right, mama.
- Now me!

- My present, my present!
- Alright, alright, Eunice.

Don't get overexcited.

You can give me
your present now.

Um, excuse me. Could
you please move over there?

Right over there. Thank you.

"My present" by Eunice Harper.

My present to mama
has gotta be great

somethin' much better
than a doily or skates.

My present must stand
out from all the rest

so I wanna give her
what I do the best.

♪♪ du-dun du-dun duh duh ♪♪

♪♪ I'll sing for my mama ♪♪

♪♪ I'll dance for my mama ♪♪

♪♪ Then I'll do some dra-a-ma ♪♪

♪♪ On mama's birthday ♪♪

That was wonderful,
Eunice. Thank you very much.

- That was terrific.
- It's not over yet, mama!

♪♪ I'll whistle for my mama ♪♪

All right, fine, Eunice. Excuse
me, the doorbell is ringing.

[doorbell rings]

♪♪ it's mama's
birthda-a-a-a-y ♪♪

Mrs. Harper, I don't know
if you remember me...

Bert Wembly.

Bert? What are you doin' here?

Roses are red,
Violets are blue...

For cryin' out loud, when is
this present gonna be over?!

In a while, mama, now I dance.

Ha ha. I can see you're busy.

Uh, w-would
you just tell Carl...

Eunice, will you give it a rest?

I wanted to thank him
and give him these.

What exactly is it you
wanna thank him for?

Didn't he tell you he
turned the job down?

He says, "Oh, no, not me.

"Bert Wembly's
the man you want."

- He turned the job down?
- Yeah.

The big galoot!

♪♪ Sometimes I'm happy
Sometimes I'm blue ♪♪

Eunice, will you
put a lid on it?

Aw! You don't like my present!!

I like your present,
sweetheart. I love your present.

I tell you what, do me a favor

go light the candles on
mama's birthday cake.

Oh, boy!

Ellen, I get to
light the candles!

Did the big galoot
happen to tell you

why he turned the job down?

Well, you know Carl.

I'm beginnin' to.

He says he's got enough
responsibility to home

bein' a husband and father.

He don't need no more
at work bein' supervisor.

He said that, did he?

Well, I guess I'll be goin'.

Uh, you have a happy birthday!

Oh, yeah, sure.

The happiest
birthday of my life!

♪♪ Happy birthday ♪♪

♪♪ to you ♪♪

Get that fruitcake away from me!

Carl, open up!

Open this door right now!

Put that paper down
when I'm talkin' to you!

Look at this! This
is a box of cigars!

Congratulations, Carl.
Bert Wembly got the job.

But you got a nice, big box
of cigars. Here, light one!

Light another one and
another one and another one!

And light the whole
damn box of 'em

while all of my
dreams go up in smoke!

Get off of that thing.
It's goin' back tomorrow.

Mama, mama, the cake!

[screaming]

Oh, good lord!

Mama, you got
all the candles out!

Good! That means
I'm gonna get my wish!

I didn't get my wish after all.

Carl lived.

We went on and spent a
whole lot more years together.

Well...

looks like we're just
about done up here.

We are? Grandma, we didn't
throw away a single thing.

Well, we'll try again
next year, Buzz.

Come on, baby.

(Buzz) Thanks for
telling the story, grandma.

You're lucky we got
outta there when we did

or I'd have started tellin'
about Eunice's graduation day.

(all) Surprise!

Oh, well, good Lord!

Lord, well, you ought not
to do this to an old woman.

Well, what have
you gone and done?

Don't worry, grandma.
It's gonna be fun this time.

Yes, we had Buzz
keep you upstairs

so we got everything ready.

- Yeah.
- Well, good Lo...

- What in the world is this?
- It's your present!

It's your present!
Come on, look at this.

My lord!

The whole family
pitched in for it!

Some of us more than others.

Okay, alright, take
the wrapping paper off!

All right. Help me
take the paper off.

Come on! Come on!

Oh, my lord! It's a freezer!

Well, how did you know?

You've been talkin'
about one for 30 years!

Well, Vint, let me go!

If you don't have room for it,
you can bring it to my house.

It's 19 cubic feet! I
hope that's big enough.

Oh, it is just perfect!

Lord, I wish Carl
had lived to see this!

This is the most wonderful
birthday of my life!

Oh, that's so nice.

I'll get that.

[telephone rings]

Hello?

- Mama?
- Eunice.

Mama, I just couldn't
let this day pass

without givin' you a
present of my very own.

Well, that's not
necessary, Eunice.

♪♪ Du-dun du-dun duh duh ♪♪

♪♪ happy, happy
birthday, mama ♪♪

Eunice...

I knew this day
was goin' too perfect.

♪♪ Happy birthday
to you-u-u-u-u ♪♪♪♪

[indistinct chattering]

(Eunice on phone) What
you goin' away for, mama?

I'm the only one that ever
remembers your birthday.

Well, old lady, you
can just go sit on it!

[dial tone]

Nope, wasn't a dream.

There she is...

all 19 cubic feet of her.

Mmm!

Carl...

I wanna talk to you.

I guess this is probably
just as good a place as any.

I think maybe it's
time that I forgive you.

I really do.

And guess what?

I got my freezer.

19 cubic feet.

It's all bought and
paid for... I think.

Anyway, I-I just
wanted you to know

that I had me a
real happy birthday.

Now I wish that you
could have been here.

Maybe in some
small way you were.

[flushing]

Well, Carl, either that
toilet's on the fritz again

or you just wished
me a happy birthday.

[Dixieland music]

[music continues]