Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 3 - The Wedding: Part 1 - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Silver in there is all
polished up, Grandma.

Did you get into all them
cracks and crevices?

Yes, Ma'am.

You didn't leave any
goo stuck in 'em, did you?

No, it looks great, Grandma.

Well, that's all it's
good for, to look at.

And after you're gone, it
gives your greedy children

something to fight over.

Should I bring in
that old candy dish?

Sure, bring it in.
Heirlooms on parade.



Dismissed.

[CHUCKLING]

♪ I'm getting married
In the morning ♪

♪ Do-do, doo ♪

♪ Ding dong! The
bells are gonna chime ♪

♪ Tiki-tiki, tik, tik ♪

[HUMMING]

Hey!

Well, good Lord, you crazy fool.

Have you lost your mind?

Get over here.

Where do you think
you're going, twinkle toes?

There's work to be done here.

You are getting
married in the morning.



I'm also going to a
stag party tonight.

What? And leave us here
with all this work to be done?

You ain't going
to no stag party.

I am the guest of honor.

And Ed's planned
this big blowout.

Ed Higgins?

Well, I can just imagine

what a low-down, scroungy
affair that's gonna be.

It's a tradition.

It's suppose to be
low-down and scroungy.

Well, you're gonna
get plenty of chances

to be low-down and scroungy
with that new wife of yours.

Now, you can't
leave us women here

with all this cleaning
and fixing to be done.

Well, that's your tradition,
preparing the festivities.

You women'll have your
fun getting the house ready.

Oh, well, whoop-dee-doo.

And us men will be busy...

Doing our thing
at the stag party.

Our thing? Oh, no,
you're not going.

Why not?

Well, because it's for the men.

Dad, if I'm old enough to
be your best man tomorrow,

I'm old enough to
be your buddy tonight.

Get your coat.

[LAUGHING]

I can always see
that film another time.

Mama, you gonna wish me well?

Well, of course, Vinton,
I always wish you well.

Every time you get married.

You all ready, Dad?

I'm ready, buddy.

Bring him back in
one piece. I will, Ma.

I was talking to Buzz.

BOTH: ♪ I'm getting
married In the morning... ♪

I do not know how

I'm going to get that
room decorated with Sonja.

She puts up one streamer

and then stands
back to get the "feel."

At this rate, it's
gonna take all night.

Well, Eunice and Ellen are both

supposed to be
coming over to help.

Lord, why can't them
two girls get along?

Because they hate each other.

Well, that's no excuse.

Never stopped
any of the rest of us.

Families ought to
be nice to each other.

Well, Thelma, you're
barely speaking to Naomi.

Well, she ain't family yet.

This wedding could be
such a happy occasion,

if it wasn't for the bride.

You're just like
any other mother,

no woman is good
enough for your son.

Well, Naomi isn't good
enough for Ma Barker's son.

Hey, man!

I-I just realized why
they call these streamers.

Because they, like,
stream down the wall.

Brilliant, brilliant
observation.

MAMA: Oh, Ellen,
good you made it, baby.

Mama.

Well, what the hell's
the matter with you?

Oh, it's just that
I'm glad to see ya.

Well, that's real nice.

Now let go before
you break my neck.

I just felt like a hug.

Well... the place
looks real... creepy.

Well, we barely got started.

Sonja has some
kind of a plan for it,

but none of us knows what it is.

Well, I'll... I'll be
with you tonight

until you run out of crepe,

since I won't be
with you tomorrow.

What do you mean?

Not be here for your
own brother's wedding?

Oh, Mama, what
does a wedding do?

It just opens the
door to unhappiness

and disappointment.

Well, fine then.

Just turn your
back on your family

like you always have.

Mama, you fought this
marriage tooth and nail.

And now all of a sudden,

Vint and Naomi are
Prince Charles and Lady Di.

Don't you compare
my Vinton to them.

I don't care what that
Margaret Thatcher says,

them two had to get married.

Ellen, will you separate
these damn doilies

for old four-eyes here?

Hey, everybody.

Oh, the bride cometh.

Look what the girls
over at Food Circus

gave me for the wedding.

I've got wine and
beer, chips and dip.

Sonja, honey, come on over
here, help me unpack these things.

I just put up a streamer.

What am I, a slave around here?

Well, what do you
say us ladies have

our own little party right here?

I got all this wine just
waiting to be drunk.

No, none for me, thank you.

I had a bicarbonate
after dinner,

I don't like to mix medication.

Oh, live dangerously,
Fran. Ellen?

Why not?

Nothing like good
wine and friends.

Or cheap wine and relatives.

That's the spirit.

Well, maybe, just a smidge.

But I really can't
take very much.

You know how I get, Thelma.
Thelma, don't you want a glass?

Wine? No, no, I
don't want no wine.

I never could drink that stuff.

I don't like no wine.
Don't pour me no wine.

I don't want no wine.

Oh, shut up, Mama,
then just have a beer then.

Well, now you're talking.

Let's have a toast.

Okay. To what?

To marriage.

To our trailer park in Arizona.

To my perfect little guy

and wedded bliss forever.

FRAN: Now that's sweet.

MAMA: All right. I
guess I'll drink to that.

Her wine go down the wrong way?

Well, something did.

She's been acting funny
ever since she got here.

Well, I guess I better
go check her out.

Mama?

Yes?

Mama.

Yes?

Mama.

Yes, it's Mama.

Mama.

That's good, keep it
coming. Keep it coming.

Do you remember when
we were all little kids

and you said if ever
we had any trouble,

we could always come
to you and tell you?

Well, sure, I remember.

Well, I never did.

No, you never did.

But now is the time

for a daughter to
speak to her mother,

to have that moment.

I don't know why I never
did it before, but now I...

I just don't know why
you never did either.

Because I have always
been here to help, Ellen.

I wanted... Lord, if
you'd have come to me,

before you made some
of the fool decisions

you've made in your life,

it'd have spared
everybody a lot of heartache

in the long run. That's
what I'm here to...

Lord, Ellen, you never
have had the ability

to sort things out in your head.

The first fool thing that
pops into your mind,

that's the thing
that you follow.

Now, it's just about time that
you listened to some sense.

Now, ain't you glad
you came to me?

I can't tell you how
much better I feel.

[CRYING]

Well, that's what
mothers are for.

FRAN: ♪ An evening spent with
Hannah Sitting on your knees ♪

♪ Is like traveling
Through Alaska ♪

♪ In your BVD's ♪

ALL: ♪ They call her
Hard-hearted Hannah ♪

♪ The Vamp of Savannah, GA ♪

MAMA: It's like a
Harper hoedown.

Yee-haw!

I think we should take
this sucker on the road,

wherever it is.

Let me have one more little
smidge of that, Naomi, hon.

Well... Whoops. Ladies,

I think that this
bottle had a hole in it.

Why don't...?

Why don't we just
get us another one?

Well, now, don't be
including me in that "we."

I've just been sitting
here, sipping on my beer.

You just been sipping your way

through the better
part of a six-pack.

[ALL GIGGLING]

Now, no real lady
would have counted.

You know, Naomi, this
is really very full-bodied

for a domestic wine.

Impertinent and yet respectful.

And it don't make you near
as sick as the red either.

I really shouldn't.

Oh, come on, Fran.

Nothing like a fruit of the vine
to put people in a party mood.

Boy, that is the truth.

Even stuffy, old Ellen
is getting unstuffed.

Oh, poor old Ellen.
Bless her heart,

I'd tie one on tonight
myself, if I were in her shoes.

Oh, yes, me too. Poor dear.

Yeah. I'll tell you,

a thing like that can tear
a woman flat to pieces.

Oh, I know. I know.

No, I don't.

What is it we're talking about?

You mean you haven't heard?

What? What? What?

Ellen's husband, Bruce,

having a real hot and heavy
thing with his secretary, Peggy.

Oh, no.

Yeah.

But how can you possibly
know a thing like that?

Fran, the grapevine. What?

Ohh. Oh.

Now, don't you let
on that you know.

Oh, no. Not a word.

What are you doing,
stomping those grapes?

Oh, you poor baby.
Come to your Aunt Frannie.

For heaven's sake,
Ellen, Ellen, come on now.

You help me serve this.

You know Auntie
Fran loves you, Ellen.

Auntie Fran loves you.

What is the matter with you?

Mama, I think you better
see about Aunt Fran.

I haven't seen her this far
gone since Aunt Ina's funeral.

Oh, Lord. I never
will forget her

reciting the Gettysburg
Address in her slip.

Don't ask. It was a hot day.

Frannie?

Oh! Oh, good grief,
you scared me, Thelma.

[HICCUPPING]

Well, good Lord, Fran,

don't drink if you
can't hold your hooch.

Here.

Here, slip this over your head

and breathe. In and out.

In and out. In and
out. There you go.

I don't really wanna
do this, Thelma.

I'm much too upset.

[HICCUPS]

Shut up and breathe.

Thelma, just imagine

Ellen's Bruce having an
affair with his secretary. Oh!

Say what?

Oh, didn't you know?

Raytown is abuzz with it.

Good Lord, Frannie.

That's what Ellen
was trying to tell me.

Oh, that poor baby.
I must go to her.

Well, now, wait a
minute. No, you mustn't.

Sonja?

Tsk.

Sonja, I think it's time
you went upstairs to bed.

Good night, baby.

Stop giving me orders.
You're not my mother.

Well, no, I'm not,
but as your friend,

I think it's time
you went upstairs

and got some beauty sleep.

You can't be my friend.

You're gonna be my stepmother.

Oh, I see.

All right, in that case,
as your stepmother, I say:

"Get your butt
up off of this sofa

and into your bed before
I take my hairbrush to it."

Hairbrush. In your dreams.

[YAWNS]

I'm exhausted, I
think I'll go to bed.

I never had any kids,

so I don't know the first
thing about being a mother.

I think they ought to teach
a course on it in school.

Well, boy howdy, now I say
you're on to something there.

Like instead of all
that sex education stuff.

That is just the bunk.

Oh, it is not bunk.

Thelma, I think sex education
is extremely valuable.

Horse pucky.

I say let them find out
the same way we did:

trial and error.

Well, speaking as
one of your errors,

I wish somebody had
had a little talk with me

before I got married.

Boy, so do I. I'll never forget

how nervous and unprepared
I was on my wedding night.

Well, when I found out what
that guy had on his mind,

I was in a regular
state of shock.

Oh, well, honey, you were young.

You didn't know what to expect.

Ladies, I'm talking about
my second husband.

[ALL GIGGLE]

Well, I tell you what,

I don't care what anybody says,

there is nothing uglier than
the sight of a naked man.

[ALL GIGGLING]

Now, personally I... I
find the male physique

to have a certain
symmetry and grace.

Well, if you ask me,

I think the smartest woman
in this group is my Aunt Fran.

Oh. For never getting married.

Sooner or later, a husband
always kicks you in the slats.

Ellen, baby, are you okay?

No, Mama, I am not okay.

I know this may come as
a... As a big shock to all of you,

but I am almost certain that...

my Bruce is seeing
another woman.

ALL: Oh, that's
impossible. I don't believe it.

I've never heard
of such nonsense.

I have no idea who she is,

but all the classic
signs are all there.

He's late from the office,
he's always preoccupied,

and lately, he's taken to
sleeping in the living room.

Well, maybe he's just having
trouble with his business.

A wife knows these things, Mama.

I've given it a great
deal of thought,

and I've decided that
divorce is the only answer.

Oh, no, Ellen, now, no, you
just pull yourself together.

You got to just turn your
head and look the other way.

And pretend none
of this is happening.

Mama, would you've
looked the other way

if Daddy had been seeing
a woman across town?

Oh, hell, honey, I'd
have given him bus fare.

The man is making a fool of me.

Like tonight, saying he
had to work late at the office.

Well, maybe he is working late.

And maybe pigs can fly.

Anybody wanna make a bet

on whether Brucie
boy is at the office?

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, damn Mama, why
don't you get a push button.

I will give him two
rings to answer,

then I'm gonna wring his neck.

Here's one.

[SNICKERS]

Here's two, that
miserable... Hello, Bruce.

You still at it?

Oh, well, you poor dear.

Oh, that Peggy is a saint
to let you work her this late.

Well, as soon as you
can, honey. I'll wait up.

Bye, darling.

Oh.

I feel like such a fool.

Bruce is working
late at the office,

giving dictation
to his secretary.

There you see, Ellen,

you were just making a
mountain out of a molehill.

Oh, Mama, I just can't thank
you enough for your support.

Well, any time, baby.

So...

Well, why don't we just put
up the rest of the streamers?

FRAN: Oh, let's
do. I'll help you.

Don't be putting any tape

where it's gonna
pull off my wallpaper.

To be honest with you, I just...

I dreaded the thought
of coming here tonight.

And here it's turned out to be

one of the happiest
nights of my life.

Oh, thank goodness,
Eunice wasn't here to spoil it.

MAMA: Well, now, don't talk
about your sister that way, Ellen.

I know Eunice is
hard to get along with,

but Lord, you never even try.

ELLEN: I have tried and tried.

You know, she's been over
here every night this week

practicing that solo
for the wedding.

What solo?

Oh, come on, who
wants to hear Eunice

caterwauling at my wedding?

[LAUGHING]

Mama, you remember
that Christmas pageant

when I was chosen
as angel of the Lord?

Angel of the Lord.
You remember...

Eunice was one
of many little lambs.

MAMA: A little lamb.

NAOMI: Well, what'd she do?

Well, every time I
had a line to speak,

she'd start baaing
in the background.

Baaaa. Baaaa. Just like that.

It finally got so bad,

one of the camels
had to sit on her.

[ALL LAUGHING]

NAOMI: Well, that settles it.

Eunice cannot sing at my wedding

because I don't know
a single camel to invite.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Hello, everybody.

Eunice is here.

Untalented Eunice,
unwanted Eunice,

caterwauling Eunice,
monster Eunice is here.

Uh-oh.

Well, I don't know when
I've had a better time,

but I must be going.

Baaaaa!

Eunice, for pity's
sake, give it a rest.

It isn't Ellen's fault

you made an ass out of
yourself at that pageant.

That's right, Mama,
stand up for Ellen,

like you always do,

when the truth of the matter
is anybody can play a angel.

But it takes real talent
to win over a audience

playing a little lamb with
cotton balls glued to your face.

Eunice, will you give up?

You had no talent as a child,

and as an adult,
you have even less.

Oh, yeah? Well, I
have talent, all right.

I have enough talent to keep
my husband home at night,

which is more than I can
say for you, sister dear.

MAMA: Eunice.

Explain that.

Oh, well, Ellen,
surely you must know

that your husband, Bruce,
and his secretary, Peggy...

Why, I think by
now they're getting

weekly rates at
Manning's Midnight Motel.

Peggy?

Peggy. Secretary.

It is true.

And you all just stood
around and let me believe a lie.

My own family.

Well, don't look at
me, I told you the truth.

Oh, and didn't you just
love every minute of it,

you destructive little beast.

Baaaa!

Is everybody happy?

Well, I brought him
home alive, sort of.

Honey, would you please
tell your bigmouth sister

that she cannot
sing at our wedding.

Bigmouth sister, you
cannot sing at our wedding.

Who you calling a big mouth,

you bleached blond bimbo?

I am not a bleached blond.

This hair is completely natural.

Oh, I've seen more natural
hair on a dime-store dummy.

Oh, I always wondered
where you bought your clothes.

That is just about
enough. This is my house,

and I say there ain't
gonna be no damn singing.

All I was trying to do was lend
this crummy affair some class.

All you ever wanted to do
was be the center of attention.

Oh, honestly, Eunice,
don't you ever give up?

You're just jealous
because my husband doesn't

run around with other women.

Of course not. Who'd want him?

You take that back.

Damn it, Eunice, I
have had enough.

You've ruined
everybody's evening.

Why don't you just
quit while you're ahead?

Oh, I see, since I've
ruined everything,

why don't I just not
show up tomorrow, huh?

Well, if you're not
gonna be here,

then there's no reason
for me to stay away.

Well, then, if me not being here

means that you
are gonna be here,

then I am gonna be here
whether I want to or not.

Well, I'm gonna be here.

Well, then I will see you.

I guess you will.

Well, I guess we'll all
see everybody here,

just one big happy family.

And you will be
without a husband.

I will not.

♪ Oh, promise me That
someday you and I... ♪

ELLEN: That isn't fair.

[BOTH SINGING]

Man, I can't sleep with all
this noise going on down here.

Come on, Dad, let's go.

Baaaa. Baaa. Baaa.

Lord, tomorrow's
going to be a long day.

MAMA: Boy howdy,

I'll bet the neighbors
are just loving this.

[♪♪♪]