Mama's Family (1983–1990): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Wedding: Part 2 - full transcript
Vint and Naomi's wedding day arrives with everybody seemingly cooled down -- seemingly. Mama didn't have time to give Vint a wedding gift, so she takes her late husband's blue sapphire ring and gives Vint that to use as a wedding ring, with a stern warning not to let Eunice -- who's coveted the ring since childhood -- know about it. Vint, without telling Naomi, gives the ring to her to wear around her neck. Ellen arrives in a new Cadillac bought by her husband ("What did it cost him to get that?" "His secretary."). Ed and Eunice arrive, and Naomi asks Ed to give her away. Eunice pleads with Vint, Mama and finally Naomi to get back her wedding solo song. Naomi finally agrees. But all is not peaceful for long. While looking for "something old, something borrowed and something blue," Naomi finds the wedding ring and Eunice recognizes it. Eunice goes out and has a few beers to settle her nerves. "It didn't work." She avoids both Mama and Ellen while the ceremony drags on and on. Finally, it's time for Eunice's solo. It's a horrible rendition of "Promise Me," and about eight measures into the song, Eunice turns it into a rant against Mama for breaking an imaginary promise to give Eunice the ring. Finally Ed bodily carries Eunice out the door, the wedding concludes and Vint, Naomi, Buzz and Sonja are off to Arizona. For about a minute. Seems Naomi invested in the "trailer park" with a con man, and the whole family comes back to Mama's doorstep ...
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Naomi, we're
gonna be so happy.
I know it, Vint.
This is gonna be the most
perfect day of our lives.
[BOTH] Mmm.
In a pig's eye.
In less than two hours,
this house is gonna be
crammed full of people
wantin' to stuff their faces
with finger sandwiches
that nobody has
lifted a finger to make.
None of the furniture's been
rearranged for the ceremony,
and... And none
of it's been polished
and when I tried to
vacuum these filthy rugs
my vacuum bag was full,
and I ain't got no extras.
Call it off. Call
it off. Call it off.
Oh, now, Ms. Harper,
don't get yourself all upset.
I got a whole box full
of vacuum cleaner bags
in one of my cartons
stored in your garage.
I'm gonna go get you one.
Mm, don't be too long.
Mm, I won't, baby.
I love you, Skeeter.
I love you.
Well, I just can't get over
my baby runnin' off to Arizona
to run a trailer park.
Oh, Mama, it's my
chance in a lifetime.
Here, let me help you with that.
Oh, good Lord, Vinton.
Everything's been so
hurried, I hadn't had a chance
to get ya a decent
present or nothin'.
Oh, that's okay, Mama.
The wedding is your gift to us.
Well, here, here. I didn't have
a chance to get this wrapped
or get ya a card or nothin'.
Oh, now, what's that?
[GASPS]
Mama. It's Daddy's
sapphire ring.
Well, I know what it is.
It was just sittin'
around collectin' dust.
Oh, I love you, Mama.
Well, good Lord, Vinton.
You'll have to vacuum me.
Oh, this is just beautiful.
Yeah, now, whatever you do,
don't you tell Eunice
that I gave that to you.
She's had her eye on that
ring ever since your daddy died.
I'll put it away
right now. Well, do.
Here you go, Ms.
Harper. Here's the bag.
Had I known that
you had an upright
we could've been borrowin' bags
from each other right along.
Well, who would
ever have dreamed
we had so much in common.
Naomi, look what Mama gave
me. It's my daddy's sapphire ring.
Oh, honey, it's beautiful.
Look how it catches the light.
Yeah. I'm gonna put
this away upstairs.
All right.
Gee, that was awful nice of you,
Ms. Harper, to give...
[VACUUM WHIRS]
Thelma.
Thelma.
Thelma!
Well, good Lord. What is it?
Well, I have finished
the petit fours,
and I want to know
if it's all right with you
if I go upstairs and
start getting ready.
Well, now, I ain't got time
to monitor your
hygiene habits, Frannie.
I got a passel of dust
bunnies under my sofa here
waitin' to meet their maker.
It's just that if I cannot
get into the bathroom
before Buzz and Sonja get back,
I won't have a chance to bathe.
Well, then just hose yourself
down in the front yard.
♪ Here come the flowers ♪
♪ Here come the flowers ♪
Oh, Fran, look.
I think this is the prettiest
bridal bouquet I ever carried.
Very... tasteful.
Man, I am burnt-out
from all this work.
I gotta get ready.
Me too.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I think I'll just
put these in the fridge.
Yoo-hoo, Mama, we're here.
Morning.
Morn... Mornin', Mother Harper.
Well, hell's fire, Ed,
ya big dumb cluck.
Just fine, thank you.
Well, now, Eunice, I told
you we had plenty of food.
Well, it wasn't no trouble.
What the hell is this?
Well, chilidogs, of course.
Chilidogs at a weddin'?
Mama, don't you ever read?
I mean People
magazine, just this week,
said that chilidogs is
all the rage in Hollywood.
Merv Griffin gave a party,
and Pia Zadora put
away six of these suckers.
Can I put these
dogs down or what?
Just go put 'em
in the kitchen, Ed.
Don't get 'em mixed up
with the rest of
the food, either.
That's right.
Mustn't let my cookin'
contaminate the good stuff.
Oh, hey, Eunice.
Oh, well, here's the
groom. Hi, honey.
How are ya?
Eunice, I need to have a
word with you in private.
Vinton, go... Go sweep
off the front porch, baby.
Oh, okay, Mama.
Now, you listen here.
When Ellen gets here, I
want you to behave yourself.
I don't wanna hear one more
word about her husband, Bruce,
havin' an affair
with his secretary.
She provoked
me into tellin' her.
If she hadn't
ridiculed my singin'
in front of the entire family
Naomi would let me do my solo.
That is a closed subject, missy.
There will be no solo.
Listen, could you do me a favor?
Well, as the man
said, no harm in askin'.
Well, seein' as I don't have
anybody to give me away today.
Could you do me that honor?
Well, I won't have
to say anything, will I?
No, all ya have to do is
just take my arm, like this.
Gee, Naomi, I... I'd be
proud to hand you over to Vint.
Oh, thanks, Ed.
You know, I'm startin'
to think about you
as the big brother I never had.
Well, I never
thought I'd say this,
but that Vinton Harper
is the luckiest man
in the world. Oh, Ed.
Hey, Vint. Hey.
Everything looks
so pretty inside.
Yeah.
Thank you so much for
invitin' me to your weddin'.
Well, of course, I invited you.
You're my own sister.
Here, 'scuse me.
Oh, Vint, come on.
I know how you've
always felt about me.
What are you sayin', Eunice?
I know that you've harbored
this resentment in your heart
ever since we was kids, like,
remember the time that
Halloween when I went as Peter Pan,
and I made you dress
up like Tinkerbell?
Of course, you didn't
have to if you didn't want to.
You could've stood up to me.
Eunice, how can a
man stand up to you
wearin' pink tights
and ballet slippers?
'Scuse me.
Well, my point is, darlin',
I think we should let
bygones be bygones.
Oh, Vint, you
know, there is nothin'
I wouldn't do for you, nothin'.
And there's nothin' I
wouldn't do for you, Eunice.
Then please let me
sing at the weddin'.
MAMA: Is somebody gonna
come in here and help me,
or do I just go right
ahead and break my back?
Comin', Mama. I gotta go help.
Oh, come on, Vint,
say yes, please.
Eunice, you'll have to
take it up with Naomi.
Tinkerbell.
Hold on, Mama.
What? Now, I want you
two to turn the sofa around
so that it's facin' the
dining room, round this way.
Guess what, Eunice. I'm
gonna be in the wedding.
I'm givin' the bride away.
Well, whoop-dee-doo.
Looks like almost everybody's
gonna be in this weddin'.
[PLAYS PIANO]
Well, Eunice, will
ya cut that racket out
and get over here and help us.
[SITS ON PIANO KEYS]
It's getting late. We
better get dressed.
Yeah, right.
Good morning, Mama.
Ellen?
Isn't it a glorious
day for a weddin'?
Hello, Ed... Eunice.
Ellen.
Long time no see. You're
lookin' mighty pretty.
My, I should say, Ellen.
You could be the bride.
Why, thank you, Mama.
Today I feel like a bride.
Last night Bruce and
I really communicated
for the very first time.
Our marriage is more
wonderful than it's ever been.
Oh, really?
I don't see Mr. Wonderful.
Where is he?
Oh, well, he couldn't make it.
He's still at the
Cadillac dealership
closing the deal
on my new Seville.
What? Bruce bought
you a new Cadillac?
It's right outside.
Parked next to that
old abandoned wreck.
That abandoned wreck is our car.
My mistake.
Boy, that is some machine.
What did Bruce have
to give up for that?
His secretary.
Can I help you with somethin'?
Oh, no, that's
all right. I'll...
You know, Naomi, I
know you're gonna find this
hard to believe but
outside of my own weddin',
I have never really been a part
of any kind of a formal
weddi" or anything like that.
I mean, I never
been a bridesmaid,
never been a flower girl
never even manned a punch bowl.
All right, Eunice, listen,
I don't have time to
listen to your life story.
Today is the
happiest day of my life.
I'm marrying the man that I love
and moving a thousand
miles away from his family.
Not even you could
rain on my parade today.
So if singin' your solo
means that much to you,
I say go for it, sweet cheeks.
Naomi! Oh, Naomi!
Oh, Naomi. Oh, Naomi.
Naomi, thank you, thank you!
[SHOUTING GLEEFULLY]
It's gonna be just
perfect. Now, let me see.
You've got everything
you need? I hope so.
Have you got somethin'
old, and somethin' new,
and somethin' borrowed,
and somethin' blue?
Now, let's see. My dress,
that's gonna be new.
Old, borrowed, and blue...
I think I have just the thing.
Well, look at this old blue ring
that your Mama gave to Vint.
Mama gave Vinton my
Daddy's sapphire ring?
She sure did. Wasn't
that sweet of her?
I'm gonna tie this
around my neck.
Old lady, this time
you've gone too far.
[CHATTERING]
So they have decided
to write their own vows.
I suppose you must run
into that a lot nowadays.
Yeah, I've seen it all.
Though the idea
of a vow of any kind
does strike me as passé.
Not to insult you
or your profession.
Oh, you couldn't insult
me, even if you tried...
because the words that
come outta your mouth,
and think about it,
who put them there?
Think about it.
I will.
Ellen, have you seen Eunice?
No, I've been havin'
a wonderful time.
Maybe she's off vocalizing.
Ah, here she is. Eunice,
I'd like you to meet...
I ain't meetin' nobody.
Weddings can be
upsetting occasions.
I know mine was.
Well, Eunice, ain't you
hittin' the sauce a little early?
I may have had a couple of beers
out on the front porch
to cool off, Mama.
But it didn't work.
What are you talkin' about?
Daddy's sapphire ring.
Uh-oh. Yeah.
All right, everybody,
we are ready to begin.
The bride is ready.
ED: Everybody take your
seats. Take your seats.
That ring belongs to me, Mama.
That was promised to me, Mama.
When I was a little girl,
Daddy use to hold
that ring up to the light
and he'd say to
me, "Look, Muffin.
Look. Look at the star."
Oh, for pity's sakes, Eunice,
he never called you Muffin.
He said, "Look,
Muffin. Look at the star."
He held that ring
up for all the kids.
Daddy held it up for me more.
Lord, Eunice, I don't think
this is the time to discuss this.
She was gonna bury
that ring with my Daddy,
and I pleaded with
her, I begged her, I said:
"No, don't bury that
ring, let me have it.
Let me have it to
remember him by."
Well now, I can see
that you're slightly upset,
but I hardly... Oh, butt out.
Mama, you said
you'd save it for me.
You said you would. I didn't.
You did!
Well, if I did, I was
crazy with grief!
It's time to tie the knot.
Now, you're the
immediate family, Mother.
So you sit right...
I know where to sit,
it's my damn house.
That's right.
Sit down, Eunice.
Oh.
[PLAYING FELIX MENDELSSOHN'S
"WEDDING MARCH"]
[REVEREND CLEARS THROAT]
We are gathered together
on this happy occasion
to join this man and this
woman in holy matrimony.
Think about it.
What is matrimony?
It's the joining of...
"Whether we're flush
or hittin' the skids
"I'll stick by you, Vinton,
and also your kids.
"To be faithful and
honest, I solemnly vow.
"To be yours, anywhere,
anytime, anyhow.
This thing is longer
than "Hiawatha."
"Wherever we live, we'll
be happy and homey.
I promise you, Vinton.
Your lovin' Naomi."
Is that it? Yes, sir.
Fine. And now,
Vinton, your vows.
Speak up now, baby. Yeah.
I promise to stay
together with you
for as long as we both
shall think it's a good idea.
What I mean is, I'm gonna
be the best husband I can
for the most wonderful
woman in the world.
Is that it? NAOMI: Yes.
By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[WHISPERING LOUDLY] Eunice.
Eunice.
Eunice.
Either sing or get off the pot.
♪ Oh, promise me ♪
♪ That someday you and I ♪
♪ Will take our love up ♪
♪ To some distant sky ♪
What is a promise?
There are many
kinds of promises.
Like the promise
of romantic love.
And the promise
that a little one makes
when it crosses its
heart and hopes to die.
But the most sacred
promise of them all
is the promise that a
mama gives to her daughter.
That is a promise
that is written in blood.
Get a grip on yourself,
Eunice, or I'll kill you.
Looks like you write
all of your promises
in disappearin' ink, old lady.
Like the time that
you promised me,
when I was 12 years
old, a two-wheeler.
Well, I have yet
to see that sucker.
But, Ellen, Ellen, every
time I turned around
there was a brand-new
Schwinn sittin' under her fat fanny.
I was a straight "A" student.
I earned every
one of those bikes.
Earned? You never
earned a thing in your life.
All you've ever done is weasel.
You weaseled a new Cadillac.
And you weaseled a rich husband.
And then you laugh
at me behind my back
because I got a
dumb cluck like Ed.
Why, you wait a minute here!
Oh, who pressed
your button, you goon?
I could've been
rich if I wanted to.
Oh, shut up, Ed.
Now, Eunice, what
are you gonna do?
Go through the whole
family in alphabetical order?
No, I'm back to M for Mama.
And for the millions of times
that you promised me things
and you broke 'em. And
now today is the last straw.
Here, you give my
Daddy's sapphire ring
to Tinkerbell over there
and his recycled bride.
I'm gonna get you
for that, Eunice.
I'm gonna mop
up the... Oh, yeah?
[SHOUTING]
Oh, why don't you go
soak your heads in Clearasil.
Get her, Ed. We've had enough.
Many happy returns.
Is this the line for the food?
Well, Thelma, aside
from Eunice's little hissy fit,
I think it was a
very nice wedding.
Well, you should be happy.
Happy?
My son just ran off to
Arizona to be a cowboy
with my new floozy-in-law,
my loony daughter
just turned a weddin'
into a demolition derby,
why the hell should I be happy?
Thelma?
What?
Listen.
I don't hear nothin'.
Exactly.
Oh, isn't it wonderful, Thelma?
Peace and quiet.
Well, that's right,
they're all gone.
You know, since Vinton
decided to take the kids with him,
everybody's gone.
From now on, it's just
you and me, Frannie.
Oh, all this room.
It is paradise.
Hey, Thelma, I think I will
go make us a pot of coffee.
[IN UNISON] A small pot.
[SIGHS]
Well, good Lord. What
are you doin' here?
Mama, we ran into trouble.
Our partner in the trailer park
skipped town with all our money.
Yeah, there is no
trailer park in Arizona.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
Your entire life, you've been
taken in by crooks and losers
and fast-talkin' floozies.
And this time, you
managed to fall
for all three rolled into one.
Now, listen here
a minute, madam,
I have had a very tough day.
To begin with,
I had the third worst
weddin' of my life,
I lost every cent I own
and all of my dreams
have gone up in smoke.
Now, I must tell you, as
sincerely as I possibly can,
if you say one more word,
I'm gonna pull your tongue out!
Stop it you two,
this is gettin' us nowhere.
I will not spend a night
under the same roof with her.
What did you just say?
I said, stop it,
this is gettin'...
Not you, you nitwit, her.
She said something about
spending a night under my roof.
No, I said something
about not spending
a night under your roof.
Are we staying
here or not? Yeah.
No. Yes.
Honey, we've got to,
we're in a real bind.
Oh, you most assuredly are.
This house will not
accommodate all these people.
Well, Frannie,
it's gonna have to.
What can I do? Throw
'em out on the street?
It's worth a try.
This is gonna work
out just fine, you'll see.
This house is plenty big.
I hope you don't expect me
to spend my wedding night
in the basement.
I want one of the
rooms upstairs.
You can't have my
room. Take Buzz's.
Forget it, I got
squatter's rights.
Well, don't look at me.
I have been squatting
longer than anyone.
Well now,
everybody just hold it.
This is my house, and I
say everybody goes back
where they were.
MAMA: Toots, the
honeymoon is over.
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Naomi, we're
gonna be so happy.
I know it, Vint.
This is gonna be the most
perfect day of our lives.
[BOTH] Mmm.
In a pig's eye.
In less than two hours,
this house is gonna be
crammed full of people
wantin' to stuff their faces
with finger sandwiches
that nobody has
lifted a finger to make.
None of the furniture's been
rearranged for the ceremony,
and... And none
of it's been polished
and when I tried to
vacuum these filthy rugs
my vacuum bag was full,
and I ain't got no extras.
Call it off. Call
it off. Call it off.
Oh, now, Ms. Harper,
don't get yourself all upset.
I got a whole box full
of vacuum cleaner bags
in one of my cartons
stored in your garage.
I'm gonna go get you one.
Mm, don't be too long.
Mm, I won't, baby.
I love you, Skeeter.
I love you.
Well, I just can't get over
my baby runnin' off to Arizona
to run a trailer park.
Oh, Mama, it's my
chance in a lifetime.
Here, let me help you with that.
Oh, good Lord, Vinton.
Everything's been so
hurried, I hadn't had a chance
to get ya a decent
present or nothin'.
Oh, that's okay, Mama.
The wedding is your gift to us.
Well, here, here. I didn't have
a chance to get this wrapped
or get ya a card or nothin'.
Oh, now, what's that?
[GASPS]
Mama. It's Daddy's
sapphire ring.
Well, I know what it is.
It was just sittin'
around collectin' dust.
Oh, I love you, Mama.
Well, good Lord, Vinton.
You'll have to vacuum me.
Oh, this is just beautiful.
Yeah, now, whatever you do,
don't you tell Eunice
that I gave that to you.
She's had her eye on that
ring ever since your daddy died.
I'll put it away
right now. Well, do.
Here you go, Ms.
Harper. Here's the bag.
Had I known that
you had an upright
we could've been borrowin' bags
from each other right along.
Well, who would
ever have dreamed
we had so much in common.
Naomi, look what Mama gave
me. It's my daddy's sapphire ring.
Oh, honey, it's beautiful.
Look how it catches the light.
Yeah. I'm gonna put
this away upstairs.
All right.
Gee, that was awful nice of you,
Ms. Harper, to give...
[VACUUM WHIRS]
Thelma.
Thelma.
Thelma!
Well, good Lord. What is it?
Well, I have finished
the petit fours,
and I want to know
if it's all right with you
if I go upstairs and
start getting ready.
Well, now, I ain't got time
to monitor your
hygiene habits, Frannie.
I got a passel of dust
bunnies under my sofa here
waitin' to meet their maker.
It's just that if I cannot
get into the bathroom
before Buzz and Sonja get back,
I won't have a chance to bathe.
Well, then just hose yourself
down in the front yard.
♪ Here come the flowers ♪
♪ Here come the flowers ♪
Oh, Fran, look.
I think this is the prettiest
bridal bouquet I ever carried.
Very... tasteful.
Man, I am burnt-out
from all this work.
I gotta get ready.
Me too.
Yeah, me too.
Well, I think I'll just
put these in the fridge.
Yoo-hoo, Mama, we're here.
Morning.
Morn... Mornin', Mother Harper.
Well, hell's fire, Ed,
ya big dumb cluck.
Just fine, thank you.
Well, now, Eunice, I told
you we had plenty of food.
Well, it wasn't no trouble.
What the hell is this?
Well, chilidogs, of course.
Chilidogs at a weddin'?
Mama, don't you ever read?
I mean People
magazine, just this week,
said that chilidogs is
all the rage in Hollywood.
Merv Griffin gave a party,
and Pia Zadora put
away six of these suckers.
Can I put these
dogs down or what?
Just go put 'em
in the kitchen, Ed.
Don't get 'em mixed up
with the rest of
the food, either.
That's right.
Mustn't let my cookin'
contaminate the good stuff.
Oh, hey, Eunice.
Oh, well, here's the
groom. Hi, honey.
How are ya?
Eunice, I need to have a
word with you in private.
Vinton, go... Go sweep
off the front porch, baby.
Oh, okay, Mama.
Now, you listen here.
When Ellen gets here, I
want you to behave yourself.
I don't wanna hear one more
word about her husband, Bruce,
havin' an affair
with his secretary.
She provoked
me into tellin' her.
If she hadn't
ridiculed my singin'
in front of the entire family
Naomi would let me do my solo.
That is a closed subject, missy.
There will be no solo.
Listen, could you do me a favor?
Well, as the man
said, no harm in askin'.
Well, seein' as I don't have
anybody to give me away today.
Could you do me that honor?
Well, I won't have
to say anything, will I?
No, all ya have to do is
just take my arm, like this.
Gee, Naomi, I... I'd be
proud to hand you over to Vint.
Oh, thanks, Ed.
You know, I'm startin'
to think about you
as the big brother I never had.
Well, I never
thought I'd say this,
but that Vinton Harper
is the luckiest man
in the world. Oh, Ed.
Hey, Vint. Hey.
Everything looks
so pretty inside.
Yeah.
Thank you so much for
invitin' me to your weddin'.
Well, of course, I invited you.
You're my own sister.
Here, 'scuse me.
Oh, Vint, come on.
I know how you've
always felt about me.
What are you sayin', Eunice?
I know that you've harbored
this resentment in your heart
ever since we was kids, like,
remember the time that
Halloween when I went as Peter Pan,
and I made you dress
up like Tinkerbell?
Of course, you didn't
have to if you didn't want to.
You could've stood up to me.
Eunice, how can a
man stand up to you
wearin' pink tights
and ballet slippers?
'Scuse me.
Well, my point is, darlin',
I think we should let
bygones be bygones.
Oh, Vint, you
know, there is nothin'
I wouldn't do for you, nothin'.
And there's nothin' I
wouldn't do for you, Eunice.
Then please let me
sing at the weddin'.
MAMA: Is somebody gonna
come in here and help me,
or do I just go right
ahead and break my back?
Comin', Mama. I gotta go help.
Oh, come on, Vint,
say yes, please.
Eunice, you'll have to
take it up with Naomi.
Tinkerbell.
Hold on, Mama.
What? Now, I want you
two to turn the sofa around
so that it's facin' the
dining room, round this way.
Guess what, Eunice. I'm
gonna be in the wedding.
I'm givin' the bride away.
Well, whoop-dee-doo.
Looks like almost everybody's
gonna be in this weddin'.
[PLAYS PIANO]
Well, Eunice, will
ya cut that racket out
and get over here and help us.
[SITS ON PIANO KEYS]
It's getting late. We
better get dressed.
Yeah, right.
Good morning, Mama.
Ellen?
Isn't it a glorious
day for a weddin'?
Hello, Ed... Eunice.
Ellen.
Long time no see. You're
lookin' mighty pretty.
My, I should say, Ellen.
You could be the bride.
Why, thank you, Mama.
Today I feel like a bride.
Last night Bruce and
I really communicated
for the very first time.
Our marriage is more
wonderful than it's ever been.
Oh, really?
I don't see Mr. Wonderful.
Where is he?
Oh, well, he couldn't make it.
He's still at the
Cadillac dealership
closing the deal
on my new Seville.
What? Bruce bought
you a new Cadillac?
It's right outside.
Parked next to that
old abandoned wreck.
That abandoned wreck is our car.
My mistake.
Boy, that is some machine.
What did Bruce have
to give up for that?
His secretary.
Can I help you with somethin'?
Oh, no, that's
all right. I'll...
You know, Naomi, I
know you're gonna find this
hard to believe but
outside of my own weddin',
I have never really been a part
of any kind of a formal
weddi" or anything like that.
I mean, I never
been a bridesmaid,
never been a flower girl
never even manned a punch bowl.
All right, Eunice, listen,
I don't have time to
listen to your life story.
Today is the
happiest day of my life.
I'm marrying the man that I love
and moving a thousand
miles away from his family.
Not even you could
rain on my parade today.
So if singin' your solo
means that much to you,
I say go for it, sweet cheeks.
Naomi! Oh, Naomi!
Oh, Naomi. Oh, Naomi.
Naomi, thank you, thank you!
[SHOUTING GLEEFULLY]
It's gonna be just
perfect. Now, let me see.
You've got everything
you need? I hope so.
Have you got somethin'
old, and somethin' new,
and somethin' borrowed,
and somethin' blue?
Now, let's see. My dress,
that's gonna be new.
Old, borrowed, and blue...
I think I have just the thing.
Well, look at this old blue ring
that your Mama gave to Vint.
Mama gave Vinton my
Daddy's sapphire ring?
She sure did. Wasn't
that sweet of her?
I'm gonna tie this
around my neck.
Old lady, this time
you've gone too far.
[CHATTERING]
So they have decided
to write their own vows.
I suppose you must run
into that a lot nowadays.
Yeah, I've seen it all.
Though the idea
of a vow of any kind
does strike me as passé.
Not to insult you
or your profession.
Oh, you couldn't insult
me, even if you tried...
because the words that
come outta your mouth,
and think about it,
who put them there?
Think about it.
I will.
Ellen, have you seen Eunice?
No, I've been havin'
a wonderful time.
Maybe she's off vocalizing.
Ah, here she is. Eunice,
I'd like you to meet...
I ain't meetin' nobody.
Weddings can be
upsetting occasions.
I know mine was.
Well, Eunice, ain't you
hittin' the sauce a little early?
I may have had a couple of beers
out on the front porch
to cool off, Mama.
But it didn't work.
What are you talkin' about?
Daddy's sapphire ring.
Uh-oh. Yeah.
All right, everybody,
we are ready to begin.
The bride is ready.
ED: Everybody take your
seats. Take your seats.
That ring belongs to me, Mama.
That was promised to me, Mama.
When I was a little girl,
Daddy use to hold
that ring up to the light
and he'd say to
me, "Look, Muffin.
Look. Look at the star."
Oh, for pity's sakes, Eunice,
he never called you Muffin.
He said, "Look,
Muffin. Look at the star."
He held that ring
up for all the kids.
Daddy held it up for me more.
Lord, Eunice, I don't think
this is the time to discuss this.
She was gonna bury
that ring with my Daddy,
and I pleaded with
her, I begged her, I said:
"No, don't bury that
ring, let me have it.
Let me have it to
remember him by."
Well now, I can see
that you're slightly upset,
but I hardly... Oh, butt out.
Mama, you said
you'd save it for me.
You said you would. I didn't.
You did!
Well, if I did, I was
crazy with grief!
It's time to tie the knot.
Now, you're the
immediate family, Mother.
So you sit right...
I know where to sit,
it's my damn house.
That's right.
Sit down, Eunice.
Oh.
[PLAYING FELIX MENDELSSOHN'S
"WEDDING MARCH"]
[REVEREND CLEARS THROAT]
We are gathered together
on this happy occasion
to join this man and this
woman in holy matrimony.
Think about it.
What is matrimony?
It's the joining of...
"Whether we're flush
or hittin' the skids
"I'll stick by you, Vinton,
and also your kids.
"To be faithful and
honest, I solemnly vow.
"To be yours, anywhere,
anytime, anyhow.
This thing is longer
than "Hiawatha."
"Wherever we live, we'll
be happy and homey.
I promise you, Vinton.
Your lovin' Naomi."
Is that it? Yes, sir.
Fine. And now,
Vinton, your vows.
Speak up now, baby. Yeah.
I promise to stay
together with you
for as long as we both
shall think it's a good idea.
What I mean is, I'm gonna
be the best husband I can
for the most wonderful
woman in the world.
Is that it? NAOMI: Yes.
By the power vested in me,
I now pronounce
you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
[WHISPERING LOUDLY] Eunice.
Eunice.
Eunice.
Either sing or get off the pot.
♪ Oh, promise me ♪
♪ That someday you and I ♪
♪ Will take our love up ♪
♪ To some distant sky ♪
What is a promise?
There are many
kinds of promises.
Like the promise
of romantic love.
And the promise
that a little one makes
when it crosses its
heart and hopes to die.
But the most sacred
promise of them all
is the promise that a
mama gives to her daughter.
That is a promise
that is written in blood.
Get a grip on yourself,
Eunice, or I'll kill you.
Looks like you write
all of your promises
in disappearin' ink, old lady.
Like the time that
you promised me,
when I was 12 years
old, a two-wheeler.
Well, I have yet
to see that sucker.
But, Ellen, Ellen, every
time I turned around
there was a brand-new
Schwinn sittin' under her fat fanny.
I was a straight "A" student.
I earned every
one of those bikes.
Earned? You never
earned a thing in your life.
All you've ever done is weasel.
You weaseled a new Cadillac.
And you weaseled a rich husband.
And then you laugh
at me behind my back
because I got a
dumb cluck like Ed.
Why, you wait a minute here!
Oh, who pressed
your button, you goon?
I could've been
rich if I wanted to.
Oh, shut up, Ed.
Now, Eunice, what
are you gonna do?
Go through the whole
family in alphabetical order?
No, I'm back to M for Mama.
And for the millions of times
that you promised me things
and you broke 'em. And
now today is the last straw.
Here, you give my
Daddy's sapphire ring
to Tinkerbell over there
and his recycled bride.
I'm gonna get you
for that, Eunice.
I'm gonna mop
up the... Oh, yeah?
[SHOUTING]
Oh, why don't you go
soak your heads in Clearasil.
Get her, Ed. We've had enough.
Many happy returns.
Is this the line for the food?
Well, Thelma, aside
from Eunice's little hissy fit,
I think it was a
very nice wedding.
Well, you should be happy.
Happy?
My son just ran off to
Arizona to be a cowboy
with my new floozy-in-law,
my loony daughter
just turned a weddin'
into a demolition derby,
why the hell should I be happy?
Thelma?
What?
Listen.
I don't hear nothin'.
Exactly.
Oh, isn't it wonderful, Thelma?
Peace and quiet.
Well, that's right,
they're all gone.
You know, since Vinton
decided to take the kids with him,
everybody's gone.
From now on, it's just
you and me, Frannie.
Oh, all this room.
It is paradise.
Hey, Thelma, I think I will
go make us a pot of coffee.
[IN UNISON] A small pot.
[SIGHS]
Well, good Lord. What
are you doin' here?
Mama, we ran into trouble.
Our partner in the trailer park
skipped town with all our money.
Yeah, there is no
trailer park in Arizona.
I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.
Your entire life, you've been
taken in by crooks and losers
and fast-talkin' floozies.
And this time, you
managed to fall
for all three rolled into one.
Now, listen here
a minute, madam,
I have had a very tough day.
To begin with,
I had the third worst
weddin' of my life,
I lost every cent I own
and all of my dreams
have gone up in smoke.
Now, I must tell you, as
sincerely as I possibly can,
if you say one more word,
I'm gonna pull your tongue out!
Stop it you two,
this is gettin' us nowhere.
I will not spend a night
under the same roof with her.
What did you just say?
I said, stop it,
this is gettin'...
Not you, you nitwit, her.
She said something about
spending a night under my roof.
No, I said something
about not spending
a night under your roof.
Are we staying
here or not? Yeah.
No. Yes.
Honey, we've got to,
we're in a real bind.
Oh, you most assuredly are.
This house will not
accommodate all these people.
Well, Frannie,
it's gonna have to.
What can I do? Throw
'em out on the street?
It's worth a try.
This is gonna work
out just fine, you'll see.
This house is plenty big.
I hope you don't expect me
to spend my wedding night
in the basement.
I want one of the
rooms upstairs.
You can't have my
room. Take Buzz's.
Forget it, I got
squatter's rights.
Well, don't look at me.
I have been squatting
longer than anyone.
Well now,
everybody just hold it.
This is my house, and I
say everybody goes back
where they were.
MAMA: Toots, the
honeymoon is over.
[♪♪♪]