Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 5, Episode 9 - Dirty Magazine - full transcript

Hey, Dad.

How's it going, Mom?

Howdy.

Three days and counting.

Too bad he doesn't have someone

covering the hole
on the other side.

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

This is The Crystal Ship.

It's our high school
literary magazine.

Nobody reads it
because it's written

by high school kids
trying to be deep.



And the editor is just some guy

who wants to pad his
college application.

This month, it's me.

Did you get...

"The Mysterious... Forest"?

Yes, Stevie. I got your drawing.

Is it... in?

Yes. I told you.

Nothing gets rejected.

It doesn't matter
how self-indulgent

or boring or childish or
stupid or painful it is.

If it can be stapled, it's in.

And why do you care?

Our advisor doesn't even care.



I have to go.

Um, I need to help

Principal Block with...
something.

Ronnie and I have

written stories that
we want to submit.

We demand that you embrace

our vibrant female voices.

So you better print them, okay?

Okay. You got it.

You are going to read
them first, aren't you?

Yeah, okay.

Oh, my God.

It's been so long,

I didn't think it was possible.

This story is, uh...

is...

What's the word?

Good?

Yes! Ronnie, your story

is fantastic!

I love the ending!

What about mine?

"The Frog Who Was Too
Good for the World"?

It's crap.

Well, maybe it was
over your head.

The frog is you, the
snake is your dad,

and the moon is the dope you
like on the football team.

Lewis is not a dope.

"Car Crash"?

Yeah. There's this
really pretty girl who,

whenever she walks
down the street,

guys yell filthy stuff at her,

so she trains herself
to ignore them.

The "pretty" part's
not important.

So, one day, after
she's trained herself,

she's crossing the street,

and this construction worker
yells out, "Hey, lady!"

She doesn't turn around,

but he's really trying to

warn her there's a car coming.

She ignores him, and she gets

splattered all
over the pavement!

Men...

are pigs.

Did you hear?

The plant-watering lady

is going to testify
before the S.E.C.

My God! They're going
after everybody.

And the new supervisor
starts today.

She's only here to make
cuts and fire people.

Lots of people.

Oh, my God! Here she comes!

Oh!

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

Hal, right?

Yes!

Nell. We took an extra trip

around the revolving doors
together this morning.

Well, yeah... Looks like you're

the only one here who
doesn't run away from me.

Well, you can't run forever, eh?

Look, I know this whole
situation is awkward,

but I'm going to do my best

to make everyone
here feel respected.

Thank you, Nell.

Especially the ones with
great-looking hands.

She was touching me
exactly like this!

She was practically drooling
over my sexy hands.

And then, later this morning,

she asked me if I thought
her butt was big.

And it wasn't. It was perfect!

It wasn't an innocent request
for information, Lois.

If your butt was as
perfect as hers,

believe me, you'd know it!

What am I going to do?

Well, were you mean to her?

No. Why?

You don't want to
antagonize her.

She's the new boss.

She decides who
comes and who goes.

What are you saying?

I am saying that
it wouldn't hurt

for you to be... nice.

That's all. Hal, I'm not
asking you to do anything.

It's just if she
flirts with you again,

just don't burst her bubble.

Lois!

Oh, all right!

You can make me flirt with
this beautiful woman,

but you can't make me like it.

I can make you do
anything I want.

You're right.

Go!

Ow!

You know why I beat you?

'Cause you outweigh me
by, like, 50 pounds?

No. Because my mind is
stronger than yours.

What?

All your Matrix guys

and your Yodas

and your Karate Kids
do what they do

with their minds,
not their bodies.

I beat you in here before
I ever beat you there.

You're just messing
with me again.

I don't believe you.

You're not sure if
you do or you don't.

This is soil.

Soil is alive.

It is sensitive to the
rhythm of who you truly are.

This is a seed.

Within it lies sleeping
the soul of a plant.

Together, they make a test.

That was taught to Shaolin
ninjas millions of years ago.

If you can keep
your hand like this

until the seed sprouts, then
you will have developed

the source of all power.

If this is real,

then why are you
teaching it to me?

'Cause I'm a jerk, and
I know you'll fail.

Or maybe...

just once...

I'm letting you in on the
secret of life itself.

What's he doing out there?

I put a rock in his hand.

He's trying to make it grow.

Oh, here you are, Francis.

What's this?

An invitation for you and Piama.

Otto and I are celebrating our
25th wedding anniversary!

You're kidding. That's great.

Oh, I wish

I could chop you up

in a million pieces

so that I could share you
with the rest of the world.

Oh, you are so romantic,

my big Bavarian monkey face.

Francis, I am in
so much trouble.

What's wrong? I just found out

what Gretchen is getting
me for our anniversary.

She knows how much I
love cuckoo clocks,

so she called a
factory in Innsbrook

and somehow convinced them
to handcraft a cuckoo clock

with a little Otto and
a little Gretchen

that come out and
kiss every hour.

Wow. What'd you get her?

Some Dustbuster filters

and a bracelet I saw on QVC.

Whoa. Well... you have a week.

Is there anything
you know she likes?

Well, she always wished that
I could learn to waltz.

Really? That's great!
I know how to waltz.

I learned in military school
taking girls to cotillions.

I can totally teach you.

Oh, no, no, no, Francis,
I am a terrible dancer.

I tried it at our wedding;
I stepped on her foot.

You can't let a little thing...
I broke it in three places.

But... Then I ripped her dress,

and her rear end hung out
for 200 people to see.

Then I got into a fistfight
with her father.

We spent the night in jail,

and, you know, he always was a
little delicate-looking, and...

Otto, Otto!

I am sure I can
teach you to waltz.

I don't know...

Oh, goodie! Look!

It's the bracelet I
ordered from QVC.

Do you like it?

Yeah, oh, yeah.

I'll meet you in
the barn at 10:00.

What the hell is this?

It's "Car Crash."

It's a story for the
literary magazine.

It's pornography.

How is it pornography?

"The construction
worker yelled out

my."

"my."

It's supposed to be offensive.

That's the whole
point of the story.

It's a literary device.

There's nothing literary

about " my"!

Parents don't want
their children

reading " my."

This school district has
a zero tolerance policy

on " my"!

Our forefathers did not
lay down their lives

on San Juan Hill for
"my"!

Now, you either kill this story

or replace all the dirty
words with asterisks.

That's just stupid.

What's the point of
bleeping out words?

Everyone knows what
they are anyway.

Besides, Miss Shaw already
said it was okay.

Sometimes, Miss
Shaw doesn't know

when to keep her mouth shut.

Just do it!

This is censorship!

Call...

the ACLU...

and sue... their ass.

Yes!

We can testify in poetry!

I'm not going to call the
ACLU for Crystal Ship.

Just because it's under attack
doesn't mean it's not lame.

What's wrong?

Nothing. It's okay.

It is stupid.

You don't have to get...

Look... you have people

thinking you're smart and
creative all the time.

I just got excited that
people would think that

about me for a change.

Like I said, it's stupid.

That is an outrage!

Where is this high school, Iran?
It's okay.

I don't want to do anything; I
just wanted some information.

You want information?

The Constitution exists.

Your teachers might as well take
a leak on the American flag...

which actually is a
case I defended,

but that's not the point.

If these fascists need a
lawsuit to wake them up,

then... Malcolm, what's
the name of your school?

My school? It doesn't
have a name...

and I'm not really
a student there.

I was just prank calling you.

Ha, ha. Fooled you.

That guy was nuts-- I didn't
want anything to do with him.

I hung up before he could figure
out where I was calling from.

Unless... he has...

Caller I.D.

Attention, students.

Attention, students.

As you know, we publish
a literary magazine

called The Crystal Ship.

Well, we do.

This morning, I received
word that the ACLU

has filed a lawsuit to
force us to publish

an extraordinarily
obscene essay.

The school district's lawyers
have given us a choice.

We can either turn
our high school

into an adult bookstore, or

we can cancel all
extracurricular activities.

Therefore, the football
team is hereby canceled.

The debate team is
hereby canceled.

The drama club, canceled.

The glee club, canceled.

The prom, canceled.

No!

If any of you wish to find
the student editor, Malcolm,

and thank him for
this, you'll find

his class schedule posted
outside my office.

You are terrible!

You have completely wasted four
entire days of waltz lessons.

It makes me sick

to look at you.

Otto, this isn't helping.

Every time you punch yourself,

we lose hours of
valuable practice time.

You just... you got to relax.

How can I relax when
Gretchen is depending on me?

You do not learn by relaxing.

You learn by violently

assaulting your problem

until it surrenders
its mysteries to you!

I just feel like you're
psyching yourself out.

Why don't you take five
and clear your head?

You take five.

I shall study

the videotape of our
previous lessons.

I will correct the
problems in my technique.

Mm-hmm, perhaps more
weight on my left instep.

Otto, stop! Just
stop all of this.

This isn't work!

This isn't science!

This is dancing!

Stop thinking.

Stop watching tapes.

And take off the waltz-trainer!

♪ ♪

Feel the music.

Look into my eyes.

But I... Shh!

But Gretchen...

Shh.

Forget Gretchen.

Forget the past
and its failures,

the future

and its hopes.

The world is gone.

Right now all that
exists is you...

...and me

and the waltz.

Hey, Hal.

Tough day. My neck is so stiff.

Mmm!

So... what's a guy like
you do for fun, huh?

I didn't know what to say.

I don't do anything for fun.

Don't tell me you just stood
there for ten minutes

with your mouth hanging open?

She wasn't even listening, Lois.

She was too busy
mentally stripping me

and dressing me in leather.

Boys, get out here. Dinner.

How long is this going to take?

I had to have Billy Hawkins

help dress me for gym.

It'll grow when you stop
needing it to grow.

Malcolm, where've you been?

Captain of the football
team wanted to show me

how he decorated the
inside of his locker.

Yes, well, the principal
of your school called.

He said you filed a lawsuit so
you could destroy the school.

That's a total lie.

All I'm trying to do is publish
a magazine full of dirty words.

Oh, and that's supposed
to make me feel better?

I didn't even start this.

But everybody's
fighting me so hard,

it makes me think I
can't just back down.

You always said

there are principles you
can't ever give up,

no matter what people do to you.

And I'm as surprised as anyone,

but I think that's
what I'm doing.

What's her name?

Who?

The girl you're
trying to impress.

Hope she's cute.

This isn't about a girl.

A girl wrote the dirty story.

Oh, son, you want to be careful.

A girl who writes dirty stories

sounds a little
advanced for you.

That's not what this is about.

Ronnie's a lesbian.

Well, maybe she
wouldn't be a lesbian

if you tucked in your
shirt once in awhile.

I'm just trying

to help her.

She doesn't deserve this.

She went to all the trouble
to express something

in a way that's actually good,
and now she's being silenced

by a bunch of stupid,
arbitrary people

for stupid, arbitrary reasons.

And I think that's just wrong.

Son, you don't want to
come on that strong.

That might be what turned
her gay in the first place.

Come in.

You wanted to see me...

What's going on?

Malcolm, the teachers and I

are not here to blame.

We're looking for a solution.

This is Mr. Mellon.

He's legal counsel
for the district.

It's nice to meet you.

Now if it were up to me,
you'd just be expelled,

but the district thinks
that there's a way

to get everything
back the way it was.

Good. Cause I never
wanted to fight everyone.

Of course you didn't.

Basically, son, you
sign this letter.

It says "Car Crash" never met
the standards of Crystal Ship.

You just picked it to see
what you could get away with.

It was an adolescent prank,

and you apologize.

Now just sign this,

and everyone gets
their clubs back.

I'm not going to sign it.

This is just a lie.

All right, Malcolm, I wasn't
going to mention this,

but I made cupcakes for
you kids every week.

Look, I'm not the only
one affected by this.

I agree.

Ronnie?

I'd like you to
sign it, Malcolm.

I just want field hockey back.

Hello, there, Nell.

Your eyes

are very pretty. Really?

You like my eyes?

No!

I was just told to say that.

I'm sure you're very pretty,

but I don't find you even
remotely attractive.

I'm only flirting with you
because my wife is making me!

Wait a minute.

I was flirting with you,

and the first thing you
did was tell your wife?

I tell her everything.

And she told you to
flirt back with me?

Yeah.

Just out of curiosity,

how far was your wife
willing to take this?

She wouldn't tell me.

Hal, it's okay. Calm down.

Now, the first thing

you need to know is, I'm
not going to fire you.

You're not? No.

I was going to,

but then Grossman and Ball

got indicted,

and you're the only one
left in the department.

Oh. I'm really glad

it worked out this
way for you, Hal.

Thank you. Thank you.

Lois will be so relieved.

Well... we don't want her

to be too relieved.

It's hardly noticeable.

Good.

We can finish going over
your progress reports

in my office this afternoon.

I'm on fire.

Ah. Malcolm.

So, have you, uh,
made a decision yet?

Yes. I want the clubs back.

So I signed the letter

and sent it to your lawyer.

I even made copies.

Yeah, what's all
this other stuff?

I put the letter
on the back cover

of my new independent

literary magazine.

We made 700 copies, and
we're distributing it

20 feet outside the
school grounds

as required by law.

It's called "Absolutely
Filthy Smut."

It's a catchy title.
People seem interested.

Man, from now on

I'm going to ask a
girl's permission

beside I say, "nice rack."

You know, I kind of wish

I did put some smut
in it, though.

People are gonna
be disappointed.

Don't be... so sure.

"The Mysterious... Forest."

Fold A...

to meet B.

That's a picture of...!

Thank you... Cinemax.

Ew.

Freedom's... a glorious...
thing.

Oh, Otto, this is such
a wonderful party!

Everything is just perfect.

Quiet, please!

If everyone could stop
their drunken reveling

for a second.

Gretchen,

my love, my life, my
bride of 25 years,

I have finally learned
to do something

that you never thought
I would be able to do.

Maestro, if you please?

♪ ♪

May I have this waltz?

Otto...

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

Oh, oh!

I don't understand this.

I was doing this
perfectly last night.

It's all right, Otto.

I worked so hard

to try to prove my love for you.

Oh...

I have the same music,
I have the same boots,

I have the same...

Aha!

Gretchen, prepare to be dazzled!

Aw, geez...

Okay.

♪ ♪

Thank you, Otto.

What are you doing?

Hopefully messing
Dewey up for life.

Nice.

Oh, my God.

He did it.

You never even put a
seed in his hand.

It's like a miracle.

The kid actually did it.

This makes it so much funnier.

You put the lipstick
on yourself, right?

Okay.

No, I'm serious.

You put it on.

Sure.

Hal, you did.

Just say you did.

Okay, I did.

Hal...