Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 5, Episode 6 - Malcolm's Job - full transcript
Oh, right.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
There. That's it.
I made your bed every
day for a year.
Wow. Congratulations. I can't
believe you actually did it.
According to our deal,
that means from now on
I get to sleep in this bed.
That wasn't exactly
our deal, Dewey.
Yes, it was. You promised
that if I did it,
I'd get the bed every
day after that.
Right. Every day,
but I still get it at night.
That's not fair!
I don't know, Dewey.
His case sounds
pretty solid to me.
Oh, and, Dewey,
I don't want to ruin it
by being too specific,
but something you wear now has
some kind of creature in it.
Jamie's making such strides.
He's so in touch
with his emotions.
I wish I could be more like that
and just cry for
hours and hours.
Oh, here's the flyer
for the "daddy and child"
class I'll be teaching
at the rec center.
Polly, this is
the fifth flyer you've given me.
I'm sorry, I was
just so excited.
It was such a revelation to
me that I should be teaching.
I've always tried
to follow my bliss,
but up until now
my blisses have turned out to be
treacherous and
self-destructive.
Can't wait.
Do I really have to...
Yes, Hal.
Boys, I wanted to talk to you.
I've got some good news.
I've been thinking.
You're both growing up.
You're showing a lot more
maturity these days.
I think you've earned the right
to a little bit
more independence.
We're getting a car!
You're both getting jobs.
What? What?
Malcolm, I talked to the manager
of the Lucky Aide this morning.
You start there tomorrow.
You want me to work
at your store? With you?
Yes. Reese-- since you've
been mentioned six times
by name in the
security handbook,
you have to look for a
job somewhere else,
but I want you in a paper
hat by the end of the week.
Please don't do this to me.
Just let me find my own job.
Malcolm, it's already done.
I had to call in
a lot of favors with Mr.
Young for you.
You are not going
to make me look bad
by not honoring
your commitments.
How is it my commitment?!
Because I'm your mother and
you're doing it. That's final.
I was thinking there's a lot
of germs flying around.
Dad, Mom has this stupid
idea about working...
Huh! Huh! Huh! That's enough!
You boys heard your mother.
We have always said
you have to concentrate
on your schoolwork
before wasting your
time on dead-end jobs.
You have got your
whole life to work
and only one chance to learn.
I told them to get jobs, Hal.
The value of hard work.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
The sooner you two kids
have jobs, the better.
My first paycheck, I'm
buying this house
and kicking them out.
As we emerge from the
cocoon of self-doubt...
reaching for unconditional
affirmation...
defeating our inner critics.
And rest.
See, daddies can be just as
good mommies as mommies.
Oh! I have to make
a quick phone call
to the parole officer.
Oh, don't worry,
it's not about me.
It's about one of my dads,
but while I'm gone,
why don't you do that
"baby-ssage" thing I showed you.
You know, babies
feel stress, too.
Man, I'm so bored I can
feel my own hair growing.
Maybe I should wait a couple
years to bond with Jamie.
It's got to be easier
when he can do more than
just burble and sit up.
Your baby can sit up?
For how long?
I don't know. Ten seconds?
My baby can sit up for 20.
Jasmine can do it for 30.
Oh, yeah?
Do it, Jamie. Come on,
buddy, you can do it!
Do it for Daddy.
Do it for Daddy.
Stay up. Stay up. Stay up.
One more. One more.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Come on, baby, you can...
Yes!
Way to go, Jamie.
I think this belongs to me.
Hello, you've reached The Grotto.
Please hold.
Hello, you've reached The Grotto.
Please hold.
Hello, you've
reached The Grotto.
You are a terrible brother!
Dewey? Malcolm and
Reese do nothing
but torture me all day long.
My life is horrible
and it's not fair!
Dewey, you're not
making any sense.
You were nice to
Malcolm and Reese
but then you got kicked out
before I was even old enough
to know what was going on.
So they got to have
a good big brother
and all I got was them.
Look, I'm sorry, okay, I just,
I don't live there anymore.
I don't care!
You have to make this up to me.
I deserve
a good big brother, too.
Dewey, I know this is
really important to you,
but I just don't have
the time right now,
so I'll call you in a
couple days, okay?
No, do not hang up on me.
Don't you look handsome?
My little working man's
first day on the job.
Do not do anything
to mess this up.
Our whole family needs me
to have this job.
Don't worry, Mom, if it
will save the family,
I won't stack the
toilet paper sideways.
Those kinds of
wisenheimer remarks
are exactly what I'm talking about.
Now go.
You don't want to be late
for the training session.
Hello, I'm Dale Young,
district supervisor.
Now, we're going to have a
lot of Lucky Aide fun today,
but there's also a lot for
our new trainees to learn.
Not to mention our employees
who need a little refresher.
What is this, Feldspar--
the fifth time?
We can call it that.
You leave the store
unlocked one night,
it's like the sky fell in.
Mr. Feldspar, I'm
sure you don't want
to get your fellow
trainee in trouble.
You must be Malcolm, Lois' boy.
Hey, tell me,
is Beans as much fun at home
as she is at work?
Who? Hey, Dave,
can you picture
Beans having kids?
Beans?
Now, we're gonna start with a
little instructional video,
and then I hope everyone has
their role-playing hats on.
Lucky Aide--
It's another word for
"family," and like family,
we all pull in the
same direction,
toward the same goal, from
the lowliest stock boy...
to the district managers... all
the way up to the president.
Was that...?
We're proud of our 95%
employee retention rate.
You may think you're
just starting a job,
but when you join the
Lucky Aide family,
you're here for life.
Mr. Young said you did
great in training.
Well, what can I say, Beans?
Oh, I'm sorry, Beans.
Did I say something
wrong, Beans?
Now, I went to a lot of trouble
to make sure you could
work with Albert.
He really knows what he's doing.
You're gonna learn
a lot from him.
Hey, Albert!
This is my son, Malcolm.
Nah, that can't be your son.
He ain't beautiful enough.
Did she just giggle?
Okay, now.
Those are empty boxes.
Yes. They are.
Good. Now, what you do is
you take them in the
freight elevator
to the basement
to the box-flattening area.
You flatten the boxes,
then take them back
up the elevator,
go out by the loading dock and
throw them in the Dumpster.
I figure, it's about
six or seven trips.
Shouldn't take you
more than two hours.
That Dumpster right over there?
Yes.
If I flatten them here, I can
be done in, like, 20 minutes.
You take them in the freight
elevator to the basement
to the box-flattening area.
No, I got it. I was
just wondering if...
I understand.
So I broke down the boxes
right next to the Dumpster
and saved so much time
I was able to sweep
out the stock room
and do a whole week's
worth of returns.
That's great. Sounds like
you had a good first day.
So, what part
of "box-flattening area"
don't you understand?
Huh?
You were seen flattening boxes
outside of the designated
box-flattening area.
I thought I made myself clear.
Why even have a
box-flattening area
if you don't flatten
the boxes there?
But it only took me 20 minutes,
so I was able to... Mom.
Albert, I'm sorry.
I'll write him up.
What? But you just said that...
You're supposed to
do as you're told.
Thanks for taking
the heat off me.
I forgot my shoes again.
This is ridiculous! You're being
completely arbitrary and asinine.
One minute you're telling me I'm
doing a great job,
and the next minute
you're writing me up!
You broke the rules, Malcolm.
Come on, that box-flattening
area is a stupid rule.
You know I'm right.
Albert is a grade-five employee.
He has put in 20 years
of service time.
Sometimes that's more important
than what's right or wrong.
Who are you?
Stop being so melodramatic.
No, seriously, I want to know.
Because the mother I know
has spent her
entire life ranting
about always doing the right
thing, no matter what the cost,
no matter how unpopular it is,
and now you're standing here
getting all caught up
in who's a grade five
and blindly obeying authority.
Honestly, Malcolm,
where'd you get the idea
that a job is
supposed to be fun?
That's not what I'm
talking about!
The truth is, work is
hard and miserable
and nobody likes doing it.
I have the greatest
job in the world!
You got a job?
Yeah, with Hygienic
Meat Packing.
All I do all day is cut meat.
With knives and saws.
There's blood everywhere
and there's all these
guys swearing in Spanish,
and they pay me
12 bucks an hour!
12 bucks an hour? I
only make $5.50.
Actually,
with the write-up, you're
bumped down to $3.75.
Now you better go
finish your homework.
Dinner's in a half an hour.
I am so proud of you guys.
You're so open to connecting
with your babies.
If my dads were like you,
I'm sure I wouldn't have slept
with so many men in college.
See you next class.
We can't wait.
Okay, I've got Jamie to
win and Kevin to show.
Jamie's diaper...
Two pounds. Yes!
Dakota...
Two and a quarter pounds. Yes.
Jasmine...
Four pounds?
Man, that's unholy.
I am so sorry
I was ever disappointed
you were born a girl.
Reese, this meat is delicious.
Thank you.
Malcolm, would you
like another piece?
I don't think I'm authorized
to make that decision.
Maybe we should ask a
grade-five employee.
Hey, I'm a grade-five employee.
Wow. How do they get
the meat this tender?
Well, that's the
thing about veal.
Imagine if you took Jamie
and put him in a little box
where he would never
see daylight.
You don't let him move so his
muscles don't get all tough.
He's basically blind and you
force-feed him nothing but milk.
That's what makes
him taste so good.
Hal, how did Jamie
do in class today?
Fine. I guess.
For a kid who can't
fill a diaper.
This is strange.
Why would we have
so many leftovers?
You hung up on me!
What are you doing here?
I told you.
I can't handle Reese
and Malcolm anymore.
I need a good big brother
before it's too late!
I'm like one wedgie away
from an eating disorder.
You're here by yourself?
Francis, please, all I
want is a few minutes
of someone being nice to me.
Is that really
such a big thing for
a kid my age to ask?
Dad, Dad, Dad, calm down.
He's fine.
I have the day off Saturday.
I'll bring him home then.
You gotta give him
credit, you know.
He got to the ranch
all by himself.
The first time you tried,
you ended up in Mexico.
Of course, I'd be happy
to carry your bags outside.
We wouldn't want you
to get all hot and sweaty
out in the blaring heat
of the parking lot.
Malcolm. You're not
scheduled for today.
I'm just looking for my mom.
She's out back on her break.
Last night, Mom accused me
of being obsessive about
getting written up.
So I stayed up all last night
thinking up a bunch
of comebacks,
and I even have
potential comebacks
to every possible comeback of hers.
There is no way she...
You're smoking?!
After all the times
you lectured us?
After telling us if we smoked,
you would kill us
before the cancer did?!
After you would push Francis'
lit cigarettes back in his mouth
and make him swallow?!
And you smoke?!
You smoke?!
Look, it's not what you think.
When I work,
I have two cigarettes--
one on my morning break,
one in the afternoon.
No more, no less.
Who are you?!
You have to stop saying that.
I will quit eventually,
but until then, the only thing
that's stopping your father
from smoking six packs a day
is knowing that
we quit together.
But you didn't quit.
But he knows I did.
But you didn't!
He knows I did.
You lie and you smoke.
Oh, for God's sake, Malcolm.
Lois, Lois, I just remembered
you were holding my lit
cigarette in your hand,
and I wanted to thank you
for holding on to
my cigarettes...
which are mine.
He knows. Okay.
I think I left my register open.
Okay, Malcolm, you caught me.
This has to be kept secret.
So I'm going to ask
you for a favor.
A favor?
You're asking me for a favor
after you totally
hung me out to dry.
I'm just asking for a
little flexibility.
Please.
For your father and for me,
just keep the smoking
to yourself.
Please.
Yeah, okay.
Wow, she's talking to
me like a human being.
This can't get any weirder.
Thank you, Malcolm.
Yes, it can.
I can't believe I used to think
that taking care of
the baby was a chore.
This class has really
opened my eyes.
Time.
Aiden wins again.
I knew I shouldn't let
you have that cracker.
I'll pay you next class.
I got to go.
You're not going to stick around
for the suction contest?
Will you take a watch?
Don't get too down about
this probation thing.
This job is mostly
a beauty pageant.
You know what's weird?
You get used to thinking
of a person as being
so much more powerful than you,
then something shifts and
it becomes kind of awkward.
Oh, my God, are you my boss now?!
What?
This is so unfair.
Year after year,
why can't...
It's nice to see one
of the good guys win.
Why don't you take a load off.
I'll go get you a cup of joe.
No worries, chief.
Whoa.
Malcolm.
It's not what it looks like.
Lois, sorry,
are you in there?
I'll explain later.
I know exactly what
this looks like to you,
but I'm asking you for
a little flexibility.
Trust me.
Lois, where's the...?
What's going on here?
Well, I'll have to write
Malcolm up again.
He's flattened
another box
outside of the box
flattening area.
The guys at work are great.
I already have a
nickname-- Ten Fingers.
The old Ten Fingers
wasn't using it anymore.
I'm proud of you, son.
You're working now.
I feel like I could talk
to you, man to man.
You know, about
grown up things--
expenses...
cheaters...
Can I borrow some
money from you?
Yeah. How much do you need?
Uh... how much do you have?
Why don't you just tell
me how much you need.
100... 2...
and another 100.
You might want to rinse off
the bills in cold water.
They stick together.
It was so cool when that
guy at the truck stop
blew the smoke ring out of
the hole in his throat.
That was fun, wasn't it?
How come you're the only
good one in the family?
Why didn't any of it
rub off on Reese or Malcolm?
Dewey, would you cut it out?
No, I mean it. You're
such a good brother.
I'll bet they didn't
even appreciate it.
Dewey! I was never like this
with Reese and Malcolm.
I treated them like crap.
Way worse than they treat you.
That's impossible.
I tortured them all the time.
I beat them up,
I took their stuff,
I locked them in closets.
You know that scar
on Reese's back?
That's from a bayonet.
Where did I even get a bayonet?!
But you couldn't have.
The way they talk about you...
They love you so much.
Dewey, let me let you
in on a little secret.
Sometimes people love
people for no reason.
Like Whoopi Goldberg.
Hmm.
It's even weirder with brothers.
So you're saying...
I'm the only one you
were ever nice to?
Pretty much.
You know, you have a
real opportunity here.
You can break the cycle.
You can be a good
brother to Jamie.
You can be the one
kid in this family
who takes care of the younger
one and looks out for him.
How is that fair?
Yeah, you're right.
Trying to impress
the cool kids?
Hey, Malcolm. Good news.
The head of security told me
that the surveillance
cameras proved
you didn't flatten
that box on purpose.
You're also using too much
soap in the bathroom.
Anyway, you're off probation.
Wow, thanks for going
to the mat for me.
What is your problem?
My problem is, I have
no idea who you are.
I thought I had this mother
that was abrupt and
short-tempered and rude,
but who at least would
stand up for what's right.
That's not who you are.
I did something nice for you,
and you act like it
didn't even happen.
You did something nice for me
because it was the
right thing to do.
I'm simply making you obey
rules because I'm your mother.
That's not fair.
If this favor thing
doesn't work both ways,
then why am I keeping
a big secret for you?
Why shouldn't I just tell Dad?
You're not going to
tell your father.
How do you know?
Because, Malcolm,
that's not who you are.
Why do you do this to me?
Malcolm, I know this
is hard for you.
You're growing up.
You're sick of living
under my authority.
You want me to cut
you some slack.
You're wondering
when I'll finally
see you as an adult.
Well... that's never
going to happen.
That's just not the way
it works.
You can move away from home,
you can get married, even
have kids of your own,
you can even become a
professor of physics at MIT.
I will always be your mother.
And that's just the way it
is until one of us dies.
You want to put your head
between your knees
for a few seconds?
No, I'm okay.
Look...
will you please
just give me one thing?
Please stop smoking.
I already quit.
Are you lying?
Of course not.
Okay, Jamie.
It all comes down to this.
Just do it like we
practiced in the garage.
Go, go, go.
We've got the whole
family together.
We should celebrate with
a nice dinner at...
Pay up, suckers!
You treated your babies
like they were made of glass,
and now you suffer.
What are you waiting for?
I want to remember
that goofy smile.
Nobody's going to be seeing
that for a long time.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Look at me!
Whoo-hoo!
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
There. That's it.
I made your bed every
day for a year.
Wow. Congratulations. I can't
believe you actually did it.
According to our deal,
that means from now on
I get to sleep in this bed.
That wasn't exactly
our deal, Dewey.
Yes, it was. You promised
that if I did it,
I'd get the bed every
day after that.
Right. Every day,
but I still get it at night.
That's not fair!
I don't know, Dewey.
His case sounds
pretty solid to me.
Oh, and, Dewey,
I don't want to ruin it
by being too specific,
but something you wear now has
some kind of creature in it.
Jamie's making such strides.
He's so in touch
with his emotions.
I wish I could be more like that
and just cry for
hours and hours.
Oh, here's the flyer
for the "daddy and child"
class I'll be teaching
at the rec center.
Polly, this is
the fifth flyer you've given me.
I'm sorry, I was
just so excited.
It was such a revelation to
me that I should be teaching.
I've always tried
to follow my bliss,
but up until now
my blisses have turned out to be
treacherous and
self-destructive.
Can't wait.
Do I really have to...
Yes, Hal.
Boys, I wanted to talk to you.
I've got some good news.
I've been thinking.
You're both growing up.
You're showing a lot more
maturity these days.
I think you've earned the right
to a little bit
more independence.
We're getting a car!
You're both getting jobs.
What? What?
Malcolm, I talked to the manager
of the Lucky Aide this morning.
You start there tomorrow.
You want me to work
at your store? With you?
Yes. Reese-- since you've
been mentioned six times
by name in the
security handbook,
you have to look for a
job somewhere else,
but I want you in a paper
hat by the end of the week.
Please don't do this to me.
Just let me find my own job.
Malcolm, it's already done.
I had to call in
a lot of favors with Mr.
Young for you.
You are not going
to make me look bad
by not honoring
your commitments.
How is it my commitment?!
Because I'm your mother and
you're doing it. That's final.
I was thinking there's a lot
of germs flying around.
Dad, Mom has this stupid
idea about working...
Huh! Huh! Huh! That's enough!
You boys heard your mother.
We have always said
you have to concentrate
on your schoolwork
before wasting your
time on dead-end jobs.
You have got your
whole life to work
and only one chance to learn.
I told them to get jobs, Hal.
The value of hard work.
Money doesn't grow on trees.
The sooner you two kids
have jobs, the better.
My first paycheck, I'm
buying this house
and kicking them out.
As we emerge from the
cocoon of self-doubt...
reaching for unconditional
affirmation...
defeating our inner critics.
And rest.
See, daddies can be just as
good mommies as mommies.
Oh! I have to make
a quick phone call
to the parole officer.
Oh, don't worry,
it's not about me.
It's about one of my dads,
but while I'm gone,
why don't you do that
"baby-ssage" thing I showed you.
You know, babies
feel stress, too.
Man, I'm so bored I can
feel my own hair growing.
Maybe I should wait a couple
years to bond with Jamie.
It's got to be easier
when he can do more than
just burble and sit up.
Your baby can sit up?
For how long?
I don't know. Ten seconds?
My baby can sit up for 20.
Jasmine can do it for 30.
Oh, yeah?
Do it, Jamie. Come on,
buddy, you can do it!
Do it for Daddy.
Do it for Daddy.
Stay up. Stay up. Stay up.
One more. One more.
Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Come on, baby, you can...
Yes!
Way to go, Jamie.
I think this belongs to me.
Hello, you've reached The Grotto.
Please hold.
Hello, you've reached The Grotto.
Please hold.
Hello, you've
reached The Grotto.
You are a terrible brother!
Dewey? Malcolm and
Reese do nothing
but torture me all day long.
My life is horrible
and it's not fair!
Dewey, you're not
making any sense.
You were nice to
Malcolm and Reese
but then you got kicked out
before I was even old enough
to know what was going on.
So they got to have
a good big brother
and all I got was them.
Look, I'm sorry, okay, I just,
I don't live there anymore.
I don't care!
You have to make this up to me.
I deserve
a good big brother, too.
Dewey, I know this is
really important to you,
but I just don't have
the time right now,
so I'll call you in a
couple days, okay?
No, do not hang up on me.
Don't you look handsome?
My little working man's
first day on the job.
Do not do anything
to mess this up.
Our whole family needs me
to have this job.
Don't worry, Mom, if it
will save the family,
I won't stack the
toilet paper sideways.
Those kinds of
wisenheimer remarks
are exactly what I'm talking about.
Now go.
You don't want to be late
for the training session.
Hello, I'm Dale Young,
district supervisor.
Now, we're going to have a
lot of Lucky Aide fun today,
but there's also a lot for
our new trainees to learn.
Not to mention our employees
who need a little refresher.
What is this, Feldspar--
the fifth time?
We can call it that.
You leave the store
unlocked one night,
it's like the sky fell in.
Mr. Feldspar, I'm
sure you don't want
to get your fellow
trainee in trouble.
You must be Malcolm, Lois' boy.
Hey, tell me,
is Beans as much fun at home
as she is at work?
Who? Hey, Dave,
can you picture
Beans having kids?
Beans?
Now, we're gonna start with a
little instructional video,
and then I hope everyone has
their role-playing hats on.
Lucky Aide--
It's another word for
"family," and like family,
we all pull in the
same direction,
toward the same goal, from
the lowliest stock boy...
to the district managers... all
the way up to the president.
Was that...?
We're proud of our 95%
employee retention rate.
You may think you're
just starting a job,
but when you join the
Lucky Aide family,
you're here for life.
Mr. Young said you did
great in training.
Well, what can I say, Beans?
Oh, I'm sorry, Beans.
Did I say something
wrong, Beans?
Now, I went to a lot of trouble
to make sure you could
work with Albert.
He really knows what he's doing.
You're gonna learn
a lot from him.
Hey, Albert!
This is my son, Malcolm.
Nah, that can't be your son.
He ain't beautiful enough.
Did she just giggle?
Okay, now.
Those are empty boxes.
Yes. They are.
Good. Now, what you do is
you take them in the
freight elevator
to the basement
to the box-flattening area.
You flatten the boxes,
then take them back
up the elevator,
go out by the loading dock and
throw them in the Dumpster.
I figure, it's about
six or seven trips.
Shouldn't take you
more than two hours.
That Dumpster right over there?
Yes.
If I flatten them here, I can
be done in, like, 20 minutes.
You take them in the freight
elevator to the basement
to the box-flattening area.
No, I got it. I was
just wondering if...
I understand.
So I broke down the boxes
right next to the Dumpster
and saved so much time
I was able to sweep
out the stock room
and do a whole week's
worth of returns.
That's great. Sounds like
you had a good first day.
So, what part
of "box-flattening area"
don't you understand?
Huh?
You were seen flattening boxes
outside of the designated
box-flattening area.
I thought I made myself clear.
Why even have a
box-flattening area
if you don't flatten
the boxes there?
But it only took me 20 minutes,
so I was able to... Mom.
Albert, I'm sorry.
I'll write him up.
What? But you just said that...
You're supposed to
do as you're told.
Thanks for taking
the heat off me.
I forgot my shoes again.
This is ridiculous! You're being
completely arbitrary and asinine.
One minute you're telling me I'm
doing a great job,
and the next minute
you're writing me up!
You broke the rules, Malcolm.
Come on, that box-flattening
area is a stupid rule.
You know I'm right.
Albert is a grade-five employee.
He has put in 20 years
of service time.
Sometimes that's more important
than what's right or wrong.
Who are you?
Stop being so melodramatic.
No, seriously, I want to know.
Because the mother I know
has spent her
entire life ranting
about always doing the right
thing, no matter what the cost,
no matter how unpopular it is,
and now you're standing here
getting all caught up
in who's a grade five
and blindly obeying authority.
Honestly, Malcolm,
where'd you get the idea
that a job is
supposed to be fun?
That's not what I'm
talking about!
The truth is, work is
hard and miserable
and nobody likes doing it.
I have the greatest
job in the world!
You got a job?
Yeah, with Hygienic
Meat Packing.
All I do all day is cut meat.
With knives and saws.
There's blood everywhere
and there's all these
guys swearing in Spanish,
and they pay me
12 bucks an hour!
12 bucks an hour? I
only make $5.50.
Actually,
with the write-up, you're
bumped down to $3.75.
Now you better go
finish your homework.
Dinner's in a half an hour.
I am so proud of you guys.
You're so open to connecting
with your babies.
If my dads were like you,
I'm sure I wouldn't have slept
with so many men in college.
See you next class.
We can't wait.
Okay, I've got Jamie to
win and Kevin to show.
Jamie's diaper...
Two pounds. Yes!
Dakota...
Two and a quarter pounds. Yes.
Jasmine...
Four pounds?
Man, that's unholy.
I am so sorry
I was ever disappointed
you were born a girl.
Reese, this meat is delicious.
Thank you.
Malcolm, would you
like another piece?
I don't think I'm authorized
to make that decision.
Maybe we should ask a
grade-five employee.
Hey, I'm a grade-five employee.
Wow. How do they get
the meat this tender?
Well, that's the
thing about veal.
Imagine if you took Jamie
and put him in a little box
where he would never
see daylight.
You don't let him move so his
muscles don't get all tough.
He's basically blind and you
force-feed him nothing but milk.
That's what makes
him taste so good.
Hal, how did Jamie
do in class today?
Fine. I guess.
For a kid who can't
fill a diaper.
This is strange.
Why would we have
so many leftovers?
You hung up on me!
What are you doing here?
I told you.
I can't handle Reese
and Malcolm anymore.
I need a good big brother
before it's too late!
I'm like one wedgie away
from an eating disorder.
You're here by yourself?
Francis, please, all I
want is a few minutes
of someone being nice to me.
Is that really
such a big thing for
a kid my age to ask?
Dad, Dad, Dad, calm down.
He's fine.
I have the day off Saturday.
I'll bring him home then.
You gotta give him
credit, you know.
He got to the ranch
all by himself.
The first time you tried,
you ended up in Mexico.
Of course, I'd be happy
to carry your bags outside.
We wouldn't want you
to get all hot and sweaty
out in the blaring heat
of the parking lot.
Malcolm. You're not
scheduled for today.
I'm just looking for my mom.
She's out back on her break.
Last night, Mom accused me
of being obsessive about
getting written up.
So I stayed up all last night
thinking up a bunch
of comebacks,
and I even have
potential comebacks
to every possible comeback of hers.
There is no way she...
You're smoking?!
After all the times
you lectured us?
After telling us if we smoked,
you would kill us
before the cancer did?!
After you would push Francis'
lit cigarettes back in his mouth
and make him swallow?!
And you smoke?!
You smoke?!
Look, it's not what you think.
When I work,
I have two cigarettes--
one on my morning break,
one in the afternoon.
No more, no less.
Who are you?!
You have to stop saying that.
I will quit eventually,
but until then, the only thing
that's stopping your father
from smoking six packs a day
is knowing that
we quit together.
But you didn't quit.
But he knows I did.
But you didn't!
He knows I did.
You lie and you smoke.
Oh, for God's sake, Malcolm.
Lois, Lois, I just remembered
you were holding my lit
cigarette in your hand,
and I wanted to thank you
for holding on to
my cigarettes...
which are mine.
He knows. Okay.
I think I left my register open.
Okay, Malcolm, you caught me.
This has to be kept secret.
So I'm going to ask
you for a favor.
A favor?
You're asking me for a favor
after you totally
hung me out to dry.
I'm just asking for a
little flexibility.
Please.
For your father and for me,
just keep the smoking
to yourself.
Please.
Yeah, okay.
Wow, she's talking to
me like a human being.
This can't get any weirder.
Thank you, Malcolm.
Yes, it can.
I can't believe I used to think
that taking care of
the baby was a chore.
This class has really
opened my eyes.
Time.
Aiden wins again.
I knew I shouldn't let
you have that cracker.
I'll pay you next class.
I got to go.
You're not going to stick around
for the suction contest?
Will you take a watch?
Don't get too down about
this probation thing.
This job is mostly
a beauty pageant.
You know what's weird?
You get used to thinking
of a person as being
so much more powerful than you,
then something shifts and
it becomes kind of awkward.
Oh, my God, are you my boss now?!
What?
This is so unfair.
Year after year,
why can't...
It's nice to see one
of the good guys win.
Why don't you take a load off.
I'll go get you a cup of joe.
No worries, chief.
Whoa.
Malcolm.
It's not what it looks like.
Lois, sorry,
are you in there?
I'll explain later.
I know exactly what
this looks like to you,
but I'm asking you for
a little flexibility.
Trust me.
Lois, where's the...?
What's going on here?
Well, I'll have to write
Malcolm up again.
He's flattened
another box
outside of the box
flattening area.
The guys at work are great.
I already have a
nickname-- Ten Fingers.
The old Ten Fingers
wasn't using it anymore.
I'm proud of you, son.
You're working now.
I feel like I could talk
to you, man to man.
You know, about
grown up things--
expenses...
cheaters...
Can I borrow some
money from you?
Yeah. How much do you need?
Uh... how much do you have?
Why don't you just tell
me how much you need.
100... 2...
and another 100.
You might want to rinse off
the bills in cold water.
They stick together.
It was so cool when that
guy at the truck stop
blew the smoke ring out of
the hole in his throat.
That was fun, wasn't it?
How come you're the only
good one in the family?
Why didn't any of it
rub off on Reese or Malcolm?
Dewey, would you cut it out?
No, I mean it. You're
such a good brother.
I'll bet they didn't
even appreciate it.
Dewey! I was never like this
with Reese and Malcolm.
I treated them like crap.
Way worse than they treat you.
That's impossible.
I tortured them all the time.
I beat them up,
I took their stuff,
I locked them in closets.
You know that scar
on Reese's back?
That's from a bayonet.
Where did I even get a bayonet?!
But you couldn't have.
The way they talk about you...
They love you so much.
Dewey, let me let you
in on a little secret.
Sometimes people love
people for no reason.
Like Whoopi Goldberg.
Hmm.
It's even weirder with brothers.
So you're saying...
I'm the only one you
were ever nice to?
Pretty much.
You know, you have a
real opportunity here.
You can break the cycle.
You can be a good
brother to Jamie.
You can be the one
kid in this family
who takes care of the younger
one and looks out for him.
How is that fair?
Yeah, you're right.
Trying to impress
the cool kids?
Hey, Malcolm. Good news.
The head of security told me
that the surveillance
cameras proved
you didn't flatten
that box on purpose.
You're also using too much
soap in the bathroom.
Anyway, you're off probation.
Wow, thanks for going
to the mat for me.
What is your problem?
My problem is, I have
no idea who you are.
I thought I had this mother
that was abrupt and
short-tempered and rude,
but who at least would
stand up for what's right.
That's not who you are.
I did something nice for you,
and you act like it
didn't even happen.
You did something nice for me
because it was the
right thing to do.
I'm simply making you obey
rules because I'm your mother.
That's not fair.
If this favor thing
doesn't work both ways,
then why am I keeping
a big secret for you?
Why shouldn't I just tell Dad?
You're not going to
tell your father.
How do you know?
Because, Malcolm,
that's not who you are.
Why do you do this to me?
Malcolm, I know this
is hard for you.
You're growing up.
You're sick of living
under my authority.
You want me to cut
you some slack.
You're wondering
when I'll finally
see you as an adult.
Well... that's never
going to happen.
That's just not the way
it works.
You can move away from home,
you can get married, even
have kids of your own,
you can even become a
professor of physics at MIT.
I will always be your mother.
And that's just the way it
is until one of us dies.
You want to put your head
between your knees
for a few seconds?
No, I'm okay.
Look...
will you please
just give me one thing?
Please stop smoking.
I already quit.
Are you lying?
Of course not.
Okay, Jamie.
It all comes down to this.
Just do it like we
practiced in the garage.
Go, go, go.
We've got the whole
family together.
We should celebrate with
a nice dinner at...
Pay up, suckers!
You treated your babies
like they were made of glass,
and now you suffer.
What are you waiting for?
I want to remember
that goofy smile.
Nobody's going to be seeing
that for a long time.
Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo! Look at me!
Whoo-hoo!