Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 5, Episode 10 - Hot Tub - full transcript

So you can shoot free
throws better than me.

Fine. Whatever. Big deal.

That's all you've got on me.

Can you stop a ceiling
fan with your head?

I didn't think so.

And look at this.

My Popsicle's like twice
the size of yours.

What a score.

I am totally...

Reese.

Oh.



Never mind.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Jamie, how can you enjoy
this processed food?



This is nothing like you'd
eat out in the wild.

I did it!

I got my learner's permit.

I can drive anywhere
with an adult.

And the adult does not

have to be visible
from the outside.

I checked.

Everyone taking the test was
trying to copy off him.

Wow, Mom's actually proud of me.

It's kind of nice to finally
have my moment in the...

Dewey?!

Oh, my God!

Is this what it looks like?

Yes, Mom. This is a friend.

His name's Noah.

Oh, Noah, it is such a
pleasure to meet you.

I can't tell you how
thrilled I am...

Mom.

If we seem too excited,
we're going to spook him.

So as far as you're concerned,
this is just another day.

Come on, Noah.

Dewey?

Okay, I'm done now.

Honey, come on out here.

I have a surprise for you.

What is this?

It's a hot tub, Lois.

Are you out of your mind?

We can't afford a hot tub.

That's what I said, too,

but then the sales guy
showed me how wrong I was.

Boys, get out here!

Hal, I can't believe you
did this without me.

You know we always make these
kinds of decisions together.

It was an in-store promotion.

We got 20% off

on the spot.

Plus a tub club card,
plus free caulking.

And that's where they kill
you, Lois-- the caulking.

Hal...

A hot tub.

Sweet.

This is just what
it's like here.

We're always getting great
stuff like hot tubs.

Hal, you're taking it back.

What about the boys?

Don't they get a say in this?

Yeah, Mom, it'll be great

for entertaining.

No, they do not
get a say in this

because we are not keeping it.

Well, we're...
kind of locked in.

We're what? Lois, you don't get

deals like this without
making a commitment.

It's zero percent interest.

If you factor in inflation,
it's almost like

they're paying us 2,800 bucks.

$2,800!

I can't believe you!

You went behind my back,

you spent money you had no
right to spend to buy a pile

of lumber and tubes.

Don't worry.

It has very detailed
assembly instructions,

which I won't go anywhere near
because Malcolm's doing it.

I don't mind.

The baby's head was in the sun.

Otto, what are you doing?

I am posting the
new safety rules.

There have been far too
many senseless accidents.

People will have no
excuse not to be safe.

Francis! You wouldn't believe
what happened-- I almost...

Otto! Oh, my God!

You okay?!

Manfred Schmidt.

Did I tell you?

You just can't have
a care in the world

when you're in a hot tub.

It's like a trip back to
the old amniotic sac.

Jamie's going to be
asleep for another hour.

Do you think I could
borrow your car

for a quick trip
to the Lucky Aide?

I'll drive!

Oh, no, I'll be fine, really.

You all look so comfortable,

and it's really just...

Not a problem at all.

I got the keys. Let's go!

Honey, take a load off.

No, thanks.

Since now you've decided

we're a family where everyone

does whatever they want,

what I want is to

not be in the hot tub.

These jets are great.

I couldn't hear a word she said.

And if you really listen,

everything has its
own vibration.

The trees and the grass...

I mean, it's like
the whole world

is screaming sometimes.

But you know, you can
get one of those

white noise machines
and really crank it...

Oh, stop here.

What about the drugstore?

I just need to grab something.

This is cool. I get to drive.

Plus, I got to know Polly
a little bit better.

It turns out she hasn't
had a TV in 12 years,

and instead of chemicals,
her dry cleaner uses tea.

Okay, but the driving
is still cool.

Go! Go! Go! Go! What?

I said go!

What did you do? Malcolm, just
give me a second to explain.

I didn't do anything wrong.

Trust me-- we're
not in any danger.

Then take your foot off the gas!

Okay, what did you take?

What is that thing?

This is mine.

It belongs to me.

My ex-boyfriend Danny took it
and he wouldn't give it back,

and this happens
to be my mother.

Your what?

My mother's in here. Her ashes.

I meant to get her a nicer urn,

but they just raised my
tuition at the Wicca School.

So why couldn't you just
ask the guy for the ashes?

I don't think that would be

a really good route
to go with Danny.

He's a very troubled man.

What? Please don't tell
your parents, okay?

I need you to keep this
between us, please?

I love Jamie,

and he loves me,

and I'd be crushed if
I couldn't see him.

Literally.

Emotions can compress
organs, Malcolm.

So can you help me out on this?

Fine.

This is weird.

All I keep thinking is,

it is so cool that I'm driving.

Francis, have you seen Otto?

What's the matter?

I don't like letting
him out of my sight.

He's been so accident-prone.

In the past few days, he
smashed up both our cars.

He keeps falling
down the stairs.

This morning, he set
his hair on fire

with his reading glasses.

Gretchen, my love, I
wonder if you can

fetch the tweezers.

I seem to have an
ass-full of cactus.

Otto, it was just
beginning to heal.

Well, I'm sorry. It's not like
I'm doing this on purpose.

Ooh...

Francis, I'm afraid

I'm doing this on purpose.

What, hurting yourself?

I don't know. It doesn't seem

like all of these things
could be accidents.

It's like there is some

subconscious drive to punish
myself for some unknown...

Otto, what does the name
Manfred Schmidt mean to you?

I haven't thought
about him for years.

I'm... oh, oh...

What?

Manfred Schmidt is
Gretchen's fiancé.

Well, he was, until I stole her.

You stole Gretchen?

He was my best friend,

but I was in love
with Gretchen, too.

And on the day

they were going to elope,

I told Manfred that
Gretchen had already gone

and that she would meet him at
the train station in Berlin.

Oh, Otto.

Poor Gretchen stood in
the rain for hours,

devastated.

And then I came along

and I comforted her, and, uh,

one thing led to another
thing, and, uh...

well, here we are-- 25
years of perfect love...

built on a lie.

Otto, this is obviously
tearing you up inside.

Why don't you just call
this guy and apologize

before you really end
up hurting yourself?

Francis, I don't think
I have the courage.

Besides,

now that I know
what is behind it,

maybe the problem will go away.

Those are thumb tacks.

Dad.

Noah and I were supposed
to play together,

but when I got to his house,

he wasn't there.

I waited for an hour,
but he never showed up.

Don't be so negative.

Maybe he got hurt and was
taken to the hospital,

or maybe his grandmother died.

...and then my
guy parachutes in

and shoots your guy.

Oh! I'm cold!

I'm so cold!

Oh, come on, Jamie.

Here comes the airplane.

Come on, say "ah."

Boy, you know, I
think the tension

in my neck was dulling
my taste buds.

These hamburgers are
amazing, honey.

Well, thank you.

And even with the cheese,

it came in for less than $2,800.

Who has the mustard?

I don't know. Maybe
Reese stole it.

Like he steals everything.

Well, maybe the mustard
likes me better.

Maybe the mustard and
I have more fun.

You totally stole Noah from me!

Whoa, you can't just
change subjects on me.

We were talking about mustard.

I was talking about Noah.

Oh, man, what a great kid.

It's like having a little
brother, you know?

He was so proud of me when I

beat the crap out of
Craig Jansen for him.

It was a nice moment.

Malcolm, how was
your drive today? Fine.

Just went to the Lucky Aide
and back, that's it, huh?

Yeah.

The Lucky Aide

is only two and a
half miles each way,

yet the odometer mysteriously
gained 23 miles.

Okay, well, after I
dropped Polly off,

I took the car by myself.
I'm sorry.

I was just so excited,

and I wanted to show off,
so I drove around the mall.

Well, thank you for
being honest with me.

Now give me the permit.

What?! Two months
without driving.

But, Mom...

Because you were honest with me,

I'm not going to wad this up

and throw it down the
garbage disposal.

That's so unfair! Dad?

Malcolm, you know I always agree

with your mother.

Whether or not she holds
herself to the same standard.

That's it!

I'm sick of all the noise around here.
Everybody out!

Hal, you're taking the
boys to the movies, now!

Everybody up. Let's
go, let's go!

Well, I didn't
know the movie

was going to be sold out.

I'll get the paper.

I didn't want to see
the dog movie anyway.

Well, whatever we see, I
have to be back by 7:00.

Me and Noah are ambushing
Kevin Teevens.

Another one? What are
you, his enforcer?

It's called being a friend.

Okay, what do you
boys want to see?

I don't care. The real fun is
being driven there by my dad.

Come on.

Hey, what about this one?

There's a review right here.

Sounds good.

Let's go.

Ah.

Well, he's missing out on
a great cardio workout.

Malcolm, right?

Who are you? My name is Danny.

I believe you took something

that belongs to me.

What, did you think I
wouldn't find you?

Do you think you could
get away with this?

Do you think I'm stupid?

Do you think this
is fun for me?!

I don't know what
question to answer.

Aah! Sinus headache.

The pain makes me furious,

and the fury makes
it more painful,

and then you just black out and
you don't know what you did.

How can I help you?

I want the urn that Polly took.

You want her mother's ashes?

She told you her
mother's in there?

My father's in there.

My father, who I loved,

who went cold-turkey
for my graduation.

That's whose ashes are in there.

Oh. Well... You are going
to give me that urn.

I know where you live.

So listen up.

I'm going to go get
an allergy shot.

And right after that,

I'm coming over to your
house for the ashes.

Well, look at the giant
surprise that happened here.

You want to tell me

this wasn't a huge
waste of money now?

Every tub has a break-in period.

It's just adjusting to our
natural body chemistry.

There's a six-inch
crust of algae.

The tub is fine.

See? Absolutely perfect.

You lied to me.

What do you mean?

I just met Danny, and he says

his father's ashes
are in that urn.

Well, yes, they are.

So you lied.

No, the truth is, it's
my mother's ashes,

his father's ashes,
the springer spaniel

that we bought together and a
cat I had before I met him.

What?! You know how when
you move in with somebody,

you-you mix up your
plates and your CDs...

Look, he was acting
really, really scary.

Like psycho dangerous scary.

Just tell me, do I
need to be worried?

Oh, no. No.

Yes.

Oh, God. All right.

I've got to think.

I'll think of something.

I couldn't think of anything.

We're out of the city; you
can turn on the headlights.

Okay, his plane
landed an hour ago.

He should be here any minute.

Manfred Schmidt.

What if the fire is still there

between him and Gretchen?

Come on, Otto,

you know how much
Gretchen loves you.

I can do this.

I will go get Gretchen.

Thank you very much.

Uh, please...

make sure my chef
finds the kitchen.

Mr. Schmidt, welcome.

Did you have a nice flight?

Ah, yes, thanks.

When you fly your own jet,

it always makes the
time go so much faster.

Uh, did your wife come with you?

Oh, I never married.

After Gretchen broke my
heart, I just couldn't.

Every day I think of
what might have been,

and now-- thanks to you--
what still could be.

Do you think she likes
giant diamonds?

Uh... look, there's
been a change in plans.

Gretchen isn't here.

I'm afraid she stood you up.

What? She said she
wasn't interested.

And then she disappeared.

Tough break.

I don't believe you. Seriously.

You know how flighty
Gretchen can be.

I didn't come all the
way from Germany

to be turned away by
some messenger boy.

I'm not leaving until
I see Gretchen.

Otto, why are you
being so mysterious?

What is this big
terrible secret?

Well...

Otto paid way too much
for these earrings.

Oh, Otto.

Okay, my mom says I
can stay for dinner.

Cool.

Oh, Dewey.

Noah's going to need your chair.

He's not your friend, Reese.

Noah just made friends
with me to get to you.

And he's just using you to
beat people up for him.

Reese, take him out.

No, listen.

Last week, three kids
beat the crap out of him.

He's not tough enough to get
them back, but you are.

You already paid back

Kevin Teevens and Craig Jansen.

All that's left is Todd Lemmon,

and I took care of him myself.

Here's a piece of his T-shirt.

Here's his retainer with
part of a tooth still on it.

And here's my four-day
suspension slip.

Wow.

You really nailed him.

Thanks, Dewey. Go
to hell, Reese.

Wait. So it's just over?

Is that all I was to
you, a couple of fists?

I have some guys you
can beat up for me.

It's too soon.

Are you positive Danny
won't go to our house?

I told him specifically

that he wouldn't find
us or the ashes there.

I just hope he
checks his messages.

Danny's not home!

That doesn't work
when he's in the car!

Let go! Let go!

What are you doing here?

I'm here to get what's mine.

You had no right to
take my father from me!

Oh, your "father"? Please.

When he was sick,
you made him live

in a junked-out car
in the backyard.

That was a Le Sabre!

Do you hear the way
she talks to me?

I'm just driving.

We had an agreement.

We said the ashes would stay
right by the coffeemaker

and we'd all be together.
Forever.

You and me and our dead
ancestors and pets.

Then one day I come
home from drum circle

and you're gone without
even saying good-bye!

Danny, you're the one

who violated the agreement,

because you had to
dominate every moment

of my life.

You even had to cut my hair.

And I don't like bangs!

Are you insane? With your
bone structure, you...

Never mind.

You're not taking my father.

You can't have my mother.

Give me the ashes.

I will not!

What are you do...?
Aah! Malcolm!

No!

Oh!

I have heard enough of this.

I am sick of you people
screaming about the ashes

when it's clearly not
about the ashes.

It's not? I think it is.

The problem is
your relationship.

And you're never
going to get past it

unless you start talking to
each other like human beings.

I-I guess I freaked out...

when you left me without
even saying good-bye.

I'm sorry about that.

We both know it had to end.

I just couldn't
face hurting you.

You deserved better from me.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So if, uh, there's
nobody else back there,

I'm just gonna turn
around and go home.

You're a heart healer, Malcolm.

I'm pretty sure it's
too late for you now,

but in the next life, you're
gonna really cash in.

I have to say, I've only
ever seen this on boats.

I'm gonna have to make some
phone calls on this one.

Go ahead and say it. I
know you're dying to.

Why do I always have
to be the fun killer?

What are you talking about?

Do you know what it's
like to be the person

in charge of saying
"no" all the time?

I hate it.

Honey, we depend
on you for that.

You're the one who keeps
us from killing ourselves.

Yes, but all I ever
hear is "Why can't we?"

and "You never let us."

Just once can't I be the person

who gets to have the
fun, crazy idea?

You know what? Absolutely.

Go ahead.

What do you have in mind?

Well, I can't come up with
something just on the spot.

Okay. This should stunt
the algae growth.

This should burn off your
outer layer of skin.

And these pills
will gradually kill

what's lodged in your urethra.

It was a kidnapping situation

and it wasn't our fault...

Where's Mom and Dad?

They're not home yet.

Oh, my God, this is fate.

We said "knock, knock."

And this is the universe
saying, "Who's there?"

If they ask, I was
here all night.

Oh, boys,

your mom has a really crazy idea

she wants to run by you.
Probably too crazy.

Lois?

We are going to have ice
cream on the good china.

Wow, that's crazy. Oh, cool.
Are you sure?

I told you! Wow.