Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 5, Episode 12 - Softball - full transcript

Boys, I found the beer
you hid in the garage.

After all our talks

about drinking, you
still think it's cool?!

Well, it's not! Now,
sit down and watch!

Look at me!

I'm Mr. Cool.

Mmm!

Everybody digs my scene.

I'm the
grooviest dude

who was ever grooved on.

I just love you boys so much.



Who wants a hug?

♪ Turning Japanese, I think
I'm turning Japanese ♪

♪ I really think so ♪

Took him long enough
to find that beer.

Yeah, but it was
so worth the wait.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Guess what?

I got another raise.

Mr. DeSilvio said that
when I clean the gunk

out of the rendering machine,

I vomit less than anyone
who's ever worked there.

Oh, glad someone's
career's on track.

My company may not
even exist in a month.

Well, what does
Nate have to say?

He's usually pretty
levelheaded about this stuff.

Nate faked his death
and fled the country.

Didn't he, Jamie?

Yes, he did.

Dad-dad.

Here! Do these look like
the hands of a lazy man?

Do they?! You see how
hard the calluses are?

What are you doing here?

This morning, on the phone,
you said that I was lazy.

Well, look at my hands, and
admit that you were wrong.

Are you biting your nails again?

Apologize!

I am not going to
apologize for something

that I said that's true.

This is exactly why I drove

eight straight
hours to get here.

To prove how far you'll go

just to avoid a simple apology.

I can't believe how screwed-up
your priorities are.

Hello?

Oh, hi, baby.

Happy anniversary.

No, I haven't left yet.

I'm on my way out right now.
Okay.

Seeing Francis act like
this is really sad.

I mean, for him.

For us, it's kinda funny.

Okay, Malcolm, let's go!
We got to get to work.

And don't forget to
change your shoes.

Okay. Can I eat my
cupcake in the car?

I was going to eat
it in the car,

whether she said I could or not.

It's pathetic to watch Francis
when he's around Mom.

It's almost like he's her
puppet or something.

Yeah, it's really awful
how she manipulates him.

Boy, I sure love this vanilla!

Why would anyone do
something like that?

Well, there is a
certain pleasure

in secretly controlling someone
a lot dumber than you.

Hey, you know what was
really cool about Francis?

How he used to pull all
those crazy stunts.

Yeah, that stuff was
pretty awesome.

Yeah.

Too bad there's nothing
like that now.

Except for Kopelman's junkyard.

You mean, with all
those vicious dogs?

Remember how Francis set the
record by going over the fence

and coming back with
11 old toilet seats?

If only someone had the
guts to do that now.

By "someone," I meant you.

You think?

Took me four hours to find
this old spelling test.

C plus!

Do lazy people get C pluses?

No!

Man, I got to get
back on the road.

When's Mom coming home?

Not till after 10:00.

Well, traffic will
be better, anyway.

All I'm saying is,

if you don't put the pinks
and the yellows together

by date, you're not going to
be able to find them later.

And I know, you want
to live in the dorm

when you go away to college,

but you're too
easily distracted.

You don't get to
criticize decisions

I won't even make
for three years.

Okay, you're getting cranky.

Let's take a break.

Look, we're over halfway done.

Aren't you glad I didn't let
you go to the bathroom before?

Hey, Malcolm, you want to sign
up for the softball team?

It's a chance to see the old
Satin Hammer in action.

And every season, I take one
lucky youngster under my wing.

I'm already under a thumb.
Well, if you're on the team,

you don't have to work
the early weekend shift.

My mom works that shift. I'm in!

Hey, Lois. You signing
up for softball?

I don't need to sign up, Craig.

I'm coaching the team this year.

You are?

Yeah, Stu was going to
do it, but his wife

got born again and
ruined his Sundays.

Hey, Malcolm, you're playing!

I just can't get away
from you, can I?

That's the base pay?

And there's full dental?

Sounds good.

Where's the interview?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Thanks.

I owe you one.

So, I'm going in

three days ahead of him
for the interview.

I mean, Nick won't have any
trouble finding another job.

They guy's an ex-Navy Seal.

Of course, ethically, you
could argue it's stealing.

But look at hip-hop!

They sample music all the time.

Is that stealing,
or is that art?

Hal, you have a family.
Go in for the interview.

I've got to figure out
whether I'm going to bat

my left-handed speedster
at the top of the order

or drop him lower, so he can hit

behind the runners and stay
out of the double play.

There.

20 years worth of
connect-the-dot puzzles,

model airplanes
and dirty haikus.

Do lazy people do
this kind of stuff?

I don't think so!

This proves that you
owe me an apology.

Francis, all this
proves is that you have

a problem with
obsessive compulsion.

Lies on top of lies!

Well, your house of
cards is coming down!

Is he still here?

I told Piama he
left this morning.

Mom, I can't do the
softball team, after all.

Now, before you come up with
what you think my reasons are,

let me tell you what
my reasons are.

I've just got so
much schoolwork.

You don't have to play.

You're always telling me
that my grades are...

Oh, well, good.

It's too bad, 'cause
I could have really

helped you with your grounders.

What?

Your grounders.

You don't go down to
your knee for the ball.

You know, kids your
age, you don't think

you need the
fundamentals, but...

I field grounders all the time.

There's no problem
with my grounders.

Where do you get this stuff?

It doesn't matter, Malcolm.

Like you said, you got too
much schoolwork, anyway.

As soon as I figure out
how she got me here,

I'm out of here.

Never mind.

I'm just going to ignore
her and do my homework.

What are you working
on, sweetheart?

Just finishing a paper
on Wuthering Heights.

Wuthering Heights, huh?

I did my senior thesis on that.

You did not.

I hope you're not sticking
to that tired view

that Catherine and
Heathcliff are soul mates.

You picked up on

the subtle hostility towards
romanticism, right?

I mean, Catherine's

just as bound to Edgar
as she is to Heathcliff.

She takes a lock of his
hair to the grave, too.

Well, duh!

Is this where they
keep the prisoners?

What?

My dad's in left field.

He likes to keep an eye on me,
'cause he thinks I'm too wild.

My name's Stephanie. I'm...

Malcolm, infield. Let's go!
Let's go! Let's go!

And you better be wearing a cup!

I know you've heard the rumors,

and all I can say is,
I might or might not

have been scouted by the
Kyoto Crazy Phantoms.

But don't worry.

I play for Lucky Aide.

Now, watch me carefully,

'cause I only work at
one speed-- lightnin'.

This one's for you, Malcolm.

Try again. Here's another one.

Is she crazy?

How does she expect...?

Craig, that was amazing.

What were you expecting?

I told you I was good.

I don't know, Reese.

If I were you, I'd
chicken out right now.

Dewey, why are you always
fighting me on these things?

If you're not going to support
me, you might as well leave.

Okay, so it's pretty
obvious they hate shoes.

Write that down.

Um...

am I... is this where...?

We're not supposed to talk.

Oh.

Sorry.

Uh... excuse me? I...

We'll be with you
in three seconds, sir.

Please stand up straight.

Three seconds?

So, I understand you'd
like to work with us?

I-I-I did... I just...
did someone...?

This job is a
wonderful opportunity

for the right kind of person.

Good pay, three weeks vacation.
Full benefits package.

Plus the knowledge that you're
really making a difference.

Code Two, Code Two.

Repeat, Code Two.

Excuse me, was this...?

Please, if you could hold
off on your questions

until I'm finished with mine.

Number one, do you have
a photographic memory?

I don't think so.

Uh-huh. Are you allergic
to venomous spider bites?

How would I know that?

Right.

And do you have an
identical twin?

What? No.

Okay.

That's all I have.

Go next door.

They'll make a
mold of your face.

Then we can get started.

Thank you for your
interest, sir.

Any feelings of paranoia
you may experience

over the next few days
are completely normal.

Okay, remember-- it's
hips, then shoulders.

It's just like that little dance

you used to do in
your underpants.

What do you know.

Looks like store 617's

actually thinking
about showing up

for the game next week.

Considering what
happened last year,

that's pretty brave of you.

We lost by three runs and
had a barbecue, Mel.

And it wasn't on my watch.

So, can I see the
underwear dance?

Yeah, you'd like
that, wouldn't you?

Would you?

Slow down, we haven't
even kissed yet.

Malcolm, let's go, we got to get

to your zit doctor before 5:00.

Mom! What?

Your friend doesn't
care about that.

Look at her face-- she probably
goes to the same doctor.

Hello, Mother.

Hey, Francis. I thought
you left this morning.

I did.

I got halfway home

when I suddenly

remembered the time

when I was three years old

and you were sick--
or so you said--

and couldn't drive me

to Donnie Dinesco's
birthday party.

So I rode this tricycle two
miles in the pouring rain

just to get there.

Lazy? I think not.

Now, I am not leaving

until you apologize.

All you want is an apology?
That's it?

Well, you should've
said so a week ago.

But...

I'm hereby officially sorry.

Okay? No! Not okay!

That is not an apology.

That's just one of those
cleverly designed apologies

that sounds like an
apology but isn't one.

Now you have to apologize
for apologizing.

And then apologize!

You know what your problem is?

You know why you can't
accept my apology?

Because you just can't
stand to be happy!

What?!

You have an addiction
to trouble.

You need to have chaos in
your life-- you always have.

I mean, look at you.

You have a great job,

a nice home, a wife, and
you can't stand it.

You have to come back here

and pick a fight
with your mother.

That's not true.

I came back here because

you've destroyed any
chance any of us

ever had for happiness.

Tell her, Malcolm.

Tell her what a
horrible mother she is.

He's right-- you
insinuate yourself

into every part of our
lives, just to make sure

there's no place
we're not miserable.

Well, you're not gonna

turn me into a drooling infant

like you did Francis.

Yeah! What?

I'm quitting the softball team.

You are doing no
such thing, Malcolm.

You had a chance to quit,
but now we have a game.

You made a commitment to a team,

and other people are
counting on you.

You can't force me to play.

No, but I can confiscate
your paychecks.

You're gonna take away
money that's legally mine

for a game of softball?

I don't know. Am I?

You are pure evil.

How do you sleep at night?

Hal, will you please
talk to the boys?

Not now, Lois, I have way
too much on my mind.

Like what?

I think I'm an
international spy,

and I don't even know
which side I'm on.

I could be a super-villain
and not even know it.

You can just say you don't
want to help me, Hal.

You look very handsome
in your uniform.

I wish you would've let me
take it in around the arms.

Well, good news for you, Lois.

Our right fielder

was screwing around
with a price gun,

took a sticker to the eye.

We're a player short.

We have to forfeit.

Yes!

All right! Amen!

Well, too bad.

Course, the real losers...

the fans.

Not today, Tonto.

That's just silly.

We're all here, we're
all in uniform,

everyone wants to play.

Malcolm, go be on Mel's team.

What?

Oh, yeah, big favor.

No, no, no, no, no, his game

has really improved.
Hasn't it, honey?

After all that stuff about
my commitment to this team,

you could just decide
to give me away?

Malcolm, everybody's nervous
about making new friends.

Just be yourself.
They'll like you fine.

I'm gonna hit this ball
so far out of the park,

my mom's gonna wish she never...

Wait, what do I do
with my hips again?

Strike one! What?

Okay, it'll be okay.

Just stop thinking.

You can do it, honey.

Strike two!

Look, just don't
talk to me, okay?!

Just pitch the ball!

I can't believe
she's doing this.

I just hate it when she
treats me like this

in front of everyone. It's so...

Strike three!

Hello?

No, honey bun, I'm still here.

I have a few more things
to straighten out

before I can leave,
but I promise

that we will celebrate
our anniversary

as soon as I get home.

Right, if you're still there.

Did Reese and Dewey leave yet?

Leave for where?
Kopelman's junkyard.

Reese is going to break
the toilet seat record.

He's what?!

I still have one

you autographed for my brother.

It'll probably drop
in value after this.

Just tell them you
don't want the job.

Don't think about what
they can do to you.

Just... tell them!

Uh, thank you for
considering me.

It's very flattering.

But I've decided to stay
where I am for now.

If things change,
I'll let you know.

Where is he?

Looks like the pit bulls

are herding him
toward the Dobermans.

It's beautiful, really, the
way they work together.

Did I make it? Am I alive?

Why do I have bacon
in my pocket?

Reese, damn it, you crazy idiot!

Do you know what you are?

You're me!

Mom was right-- we
do love trouble.

That's why we do stupid,
moronic things like this.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna be famous.

This isn't about fame.

It's about putting yourself
in danger for no reason.

It's an addiction to
pain and suffering.

And you know what?
I'm done with it.

And you should be, too,
'cause it isn't worth it.

That's easy for you to say.

You've already had the glory.

Glory? You think this stupid,
dangerous stunt gave me glory?

I'll show you what it gave me.

Horrible, isn't it?

Only the middle
one's functional.

I can go now.

I've been set free.

Good-bye and good luck.

11, 12...

He got 12!

Reese broke the record!

It doesn't matter!

Didn't you people
hear a word I said?

Are you sure he got...

What's the difference?

That's not the point!

What I'm trying to say is...

Give me the bacon.

I don't want an
asterisk by my record.

Kid, please, it's
the last inning,

you struck out four times,
dropped six fly balls,

somehow elbowed
yourself in the groin.

The good news is, I think
we're all laughed out.

Just get up there, close
your eyes and swing.

It's because she keeps...

looking at me, on purpose!

She has to be taught a lesson.

Hey. Your team's down 16 to one.

Want to get out of here?

Oh, she would just love it
if I did that, wouldn't she?

Well, I'm not gonna give
her the satisfaction.

She's gonna learn that
she can't control me.

You know what, Malcolm, I
don't date guys who are

involved with other women.

Especially when
it's their mother.

Good-bye.

Okay, this is your last chance.

Hello?

Sure, I got time
to take a survey.

Disagree.

I did it! I hit the ball!

I can't...

Finally! This will show her!

It has to!

Oh, man.

I don't care, I'm going for it.

I'll bet she planned
the whole thing

so it would end up like this.

Now the only way I can score

is if I'm willing to cleat
my own mother in the face.

I can't do it.

What do you know?

He's out!

Honey, if you're
gonna cleat someone,

you have to remember to
lead with your heel.

Didn't you
hear me, Piama?

I got 14 toilet seats.

I have the record again.

You know, Mom said this is
exactly how you'd react.

So, I was reading this
really interesting story

about glass eaters...

Nah, you don't
want to hear this.

Dewey, when are you gonna learn

that I'm the guy who makes
the decisions around here?

Go on. Well, apparently
the trick is...

Well, that was a pretty shameful
display this afternoon.

Look, I-I was... It's all right.

I'm not gonna ask you

why you've been behaving
like this lately,

because I think I know.

You're jealous of the new baby.

And you're right--
I haven't been

giving you enough
attention lately.

But don't worry.

Tomorrow we're gonna go out,
we're gonna get you a haircut

and some new undershirts,

just the two of us, okay?

Thanks, Mom.