Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 5, Episode 16 - Malcolm Visits College - full transcript
No more junk food.
From now on we are going to be
a family that eats healthy.
Brownie? Mmm.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
I have my first college
visit coming up.
I get to stay overnight in
a dorm, tour the campus
and spend 18 hours pretending
my family doesn't exist.
I actually skipped all
the way to school today.
I probably should've stopped
once I passed the football
field, but who cares?
My body may have been
stuffed in a trash can,
but my mind was taking a
shower with a college chick.
Come on, there's
tons of reasons
to go out with a guy like me.
To make your dad mad, or
your boyfriend jealous.
Maybe you just hate yourself,
or have a sick curiosity.
I don't know! I can't do
all the work for you!
I thought I at least I had a
chance with the fat ride.
Did you actually call her that?
Hey, I didn't make her fat.
Who is that?
That's Christie.
She's the new narc.
We have a new narc?
What happened to Druggie Dougie?
He got served divorce
papers in history class.
Aw, come on, she's so cute.
She's a narc?
Hey, papers? Anyone got papers?
Hey, papers? Anybody got papers?
Do you even know
anyone who does drugs?
Why are you asking me? I
don't have any friends.
But sometimes, I do
have brilliant ideas.
Where are you going?
Malcolm, I live in a
world of what the hells.
Ooh...
Oh, man, I am so...
Never mind.
You can't
do this to me!
Dad's supposed to
take me, not you!
Malcolm, this is your first
visit to a university.
Your father and I talked it
over and we both agreed.
This is a big deal, we
don't want to blow it.
If I come along, I can make sure
that you don't say or do
anything that you shouldn't.
I can take a little of
the pressure off you.
Wait a second.
You guys are talking about
college for Malcolm and not me?
I'm a year older than he is.
Why aren't you taking me
to look at colleges?
Well, son...
I'm just screwing with you.
Relax.
Dewey, dinner.
I guess he'll eat it cold again.
What the hell
are you doing back here?!
The pianos are for
paying customers only!
You're wearing out the keys!
Hey!
I'm not going to
buy you a piano.
You've never even had lessons.
I don't need lessons.
I already know how to play.
I'm great. Look.
That's very cute, Dewey, but
we can't afford a piano.
Do you know how close my company
is to going out of business?
They're selling our
office furniture
and forcing us to
have desk buddies.
Dad, you don't
know me very well,
but you couldn't
have missed the fact
that I'm having a
horrible childhood.
Now there's a chance
for you to make it
suck a little less.
I said no. End of discussion.
Now you're just going
to have to find
some other way to
amuse yourself.
I don't understand it.
I told all of the guests
about my Hayride for
Lovers on Friday night,
and no one signed up.
Well, most of the
guests have children.
They can't just abandon them
to go on a couples-only hayride.
We're only allowing couples.
Ah, well, then there--
there is the solution.
We will start a
child-care center.
Ooh, Otto, I don't think...
It will be wonderful.
We will have posture contests,
and I can show them slides
of my childhood in
postwar Germany.
They will love it.
Otto, as great as that idea is,
I wouldn't set my heart on it.
These people came here to spend
time with their families.
They're not just going
to dump their children
the first chance they get.
Can we leave them overnight?
...and the delivery's on time?
Good.
I've got a lot of
hungry customers.
Oh, hey, Christie,
I didn't see you.
Are you ready? I think
you're going to be
pleasantly surprised by how
much ice cream I can eat.
Look, Reese, um, you
know, we got coffee,
and we saw a movie,
and we went skating.
I thought hanging out with you
would involve a little more...
partying.
Don't you have like a friend
or maybe someone you know of
or someone you heard rumors
about that could help us out?
Hey, I got to trust somebody
before I party with them.
You trust me, don't you?
Not yet, but there must be
some way a hot girl like you
can get a desperate guy
like me to trust you.
Hey, why don't we go
park by the river
and see if we can
think of something.
I hope you weren't hunched over
like that during your interview.
Why didn't you tell him about
your extracurricular activities?
How do you even
know what I said?
Did you have your ear pressed
up against the door?
You should be a little less
concerned about what I did
and a little bit more concerned
about your own performance.
And next time say "bless
you" when he sneezes.
These people are looking for
any excuse not to like you.
All right, 230.
You walked me to my dorm
room, you chose my lunch,
you tucked in my shirt in
the middle of orientation.
Now will you please just leave?
Why are you in such a
hurry to get rid of me?
Because I'm supposed to be
doing this stuff on my own.
I'm just here to make sure you
do it on your own the right way.
Hi. Are you Malcolm? Yeah.
I'm Paula. And this
is Andrea and Scott.
I guess we're all going
to be roommates tonight.
Cool. Well, I'll
put my bags, uh...
Excuse me. You mean you
boys and you girls
are staying in the same room?
Yeah. It'll be just like
really being in college.
There. Now we'll all have
the same version of
what happened here.
That's exactly what I
would have done, Lois.
Yep. Camped out in the room.
You didn't happen to take
the oven timer, did you?
I can't understand this...
All week stuff has
been disappearing
right from under my nose.
It's like I put something down,
and then it's just gone.
No, it's not even
anything worth stealing.
It's as if someone is trying
to make me crazy on purpose.
You're probably right.
I love you, too. Bye.
What the...?
Can I please have
some more lemonade?
What a wonderfully
polite little boy.
Please, take a sewing kit
und a small moisturizer.
Otto, none of the parents
showed up for the hayride.
Their kids are here.
It's so weird.
Nobody's answering their phones,
so I went by all their rooms.
They all have Do Not Disturb...
Oh.
I guess I better go
get a pep talk ready
for housekeeping in the morning.
Mom, what are you doing
with my underwear?!
You had it all crammed
up there in the corner.
Wrinkled clothes are the
sign of a disorganized mind.
So then I took a guided tour
of the Plaza de
Espana in Barthelona.
I'm not mispronouncing it.
That's the way they say it.
Barthelona.
That is so interesting.
I wish I was more interesting.
Do you think it would
be pretentious to use
the word "legerdemain" into a
conversation with the dean?
What am I saying?
Of course it's pretentious.
I'm such a lackwit.
Relax. If you can't be
pretentious in college,
where can you be pretentious?
Really? So when I get to college
it'd be okay if I
called myself Antigone?
Of course.
All right, kid, here's the
deal, my name is Leland.
More importantly, I'm the RA,
which stands for
Resident Advisor,
which means I'm in
charge of this floor.
So you're going to have
to keep the music down.
Is it really that loud?
Listen, guy,
I can either be your best
friend or your worst nightmare.
Now turn the radio down.
Is there a problem here?
Who are you?
I'm his mother. I'm
supervising these kids
in this coed room
which I cannot believe
your school condones.
You know, ma'am, that's
not what I'm here about.
That radio is at least five dBs
above the approved noise level.
I'd hate to have
to confiscate it
or move on to more
serious consequences.
You know what, Leland?
I've been to college.
I know exactly how much power
and authority an RA has.
Good night.
Wow.
Malcolm, your mom is awesome.
I am so glad you brought her.
This horn's from Dad's van,
and this one's from Mom's car
and this one's from
the ice cream truck.
Dewey. What are you doing?
The spout fell down.
I'm fixing it.
Good boy.
Listen, I talked with Mrs. Hittelman
down the block and she said
that if you want, you
can use her piano.
Thanks anyway, Dad, but I found
something else to amuse myself.
Oh. Well, good.
Hey, have you seen
my hair dryer?
I swear, it's like stuff is just
getting up and walking off.
Either that or someone's
messing with me.
Dad, I think I figured
out what's going on.
Somebody's sneaking
into the house
and stealing stuff.
Probably punks.
No, not punks, son.
Just good kids who got
lost along the way.
Either way, they're going down.
And then the priest said,
"Those aren't my galoshes."
Mom is actually letting
me walk all the way
to the vending machine and back
without tying a
string to my waist.
Ha.
This moment is almost as sweet
as the candy you can't have.
Wow. Denied candy.
If I were 12 years younger,
I guess I'd cry.
What's going on out here?
Oh, God, no.
The snack bar is closed.
You're denying my son candy?.
Mom, it doesn't matter.
I'll just go down
to the next floor.
Use of the vending machine
is a privilege, not a right.
If my son wants a candy bar,
he can have a candy bar.
You don't get to decide for him.
I get to decide.
Do I even need to
be here for this?
Since I'm the one with
the key to the lock,
I think I'm in charge.
Come on.
This isn't over yet.
Mom, why don't you
just put me in a diaper?
One thing at a time, Malcolm.
First, we're going to
get you that candy.
...and my parents
they just drive me crazy.
I just need to ditch reality
and escape sometimes.
You know what I mean?
Look, Christie,
here's the thing.
When I first met you, I
was just messing around,
but we've gotten so
close that now...
I really like you.
I can't keep this up anymore.
What do you mean?
I'm not the person
you think I am.
I've been pretending
since the day I met you.
It's so hard having to
constantly cover my tracks
to keep my story straight,
and I don't want to anymore.
I'm tired of living this lie.
Reese, I think I
know your secret.
No, actually, you don't,
but it doesn't matter
'cause I'm done with it.
I'm sorry.
Did you get all that?
Yeah, it looks like
he's going straight.
So if we're going to bust this
kid, we better do it now.
All Malcolm wanted
was a candy bar,
but Leland put a lock
on the vending machine.
We can't let him get
away with this.
I want to go on record:
I hated him first.
This would never
happen in Barthelona.
Why are Americans so immature?
Why don't you just
write an angry note
or-or a missive after
I get accepted?
Look, Scott, you'll
face jerks and tyrants
like Leland all your life.
The sooner you learn how to
deal with them, the better.
And no one's chances of
getting into this school
are going to be affected.
He is going to hand
over that key.
How? I don't know yet,
but there are plenty of ways
to force people to
do what you want.
You can find something
incriminating in their room.
You can get dirt
from a bitter ex,
or you can make a
blanket accusation
with absolute conviction
and just wait for them
to blurt out something.
Wait.
You use that trick
on me all the time.
No, sweetie, that's a
different thing entirely.
We've gotta get
Malcolm some candy.
Well, I guess I'll be cool
and popular after college.
Dewey?
Dad! In here!
Quick! What is it?.
I just saw someone sneak
out with Mom's robe.
Good eye, son.
Halt!
Halt, you damn punks!
Everything is fine.
Nothing in here
but children enjoying
themselves dancing
and skipping like young lambs.
Come again soon.
Otto, it's Francis.
I have the DVDs. Let me in.
We have a slight problem.
You know how I wanted everything
to be special for the children.
So I went to the store
and I got those cookies
and then I saw this
old-fashioned hard lemonade,
I bought three cases.
Hard lemonade? That
has alcohol in it.
Yes, Francis, I said
there was a problem.
Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea?
I do. I do.
Don't tell me to use
my indoor voice.
Why don't you use
your indoor voice?.
I'm not just saying it, man.
We should totally
have a play date.
Oh, my God.
These parents trusted me
with their little ones
und I've poisoned them.
What kind of a monster am I?
Otto, you made an
honest mistake,
but everything's gonna be okay.
As long as the kids are
in here, they're safe.
Oh!
Well,
it's a little early for
Christmas carols, isn't it?
Leland, I think we got off
on the wrong foot earlier.
Obviously, this job is
very important to you.
Who knows where you
could find another
that commands respect and power.
You know, it would
be such a shame
if somehow you got fired
and had to go back home
where your older
brother and sister
get all the attention
that you deserve.
Do you really want to risk
that for a 75-cent candy bar?
You really have me pegged--
Except for what you're
forgetting is--
the lower the stakes,
the greater the thrill
from the arbitrary
exercise of power.
If this were a one-cent candy
bar, I'd be on the moon.
I happen to be a control freak.
If you get me fired, I'll just
find some other job where
I can be a control freak.
Kinko's is looking
for a night manager.
Either way, I've already written
negative-evaluation
e-mails of these kids
to the Office of Admissions.
All I have to do is hit "Send."
She overloaded a
wall socket, too!
We're just like the
bulls in Pamplona.
Now, you.
Any freshman Psych major
can see it's obvious
life didn't pan out the
way you thought it would,
so now to make up for it, you
have to run your kid's life.
I don't know who to root for.
The simple truth is,
you're just too afraid to let go
of the one thing in your
life that may be a success.
But, hey, you don't have
to take my word for it.
Why don't we just ask
the other mothers here
and see what they think?
Oh, that's right.
There are no other mothers here.
You just cost this floor their
electricity privileges.
Mom?
I can't do this.
What?
I wanted to help
you, to take care
of things for you,
but you know what?
I'm just not up to it.
I think you should
do this on your own.
What?
It's time for me to step aside
and let you handle things.
Malcolm, I know you can do this.
Unless I missed the sarcasm,
I think she meant that.
I've actually been given
permission to run my own life.
Well, at least get
my own candy bar.
But you know what?
I want that candy bar more
than I want my next breath.
I have a plan.
Malcolm, what are you doing?
My plan.
Well, get your foot
out of the door.
It's stuck.
By the way, our Madrigal
group is having a sing-off
against Jazzmatazz tomorrow.
You should check it
out before you leave.
All right, Jamie,
this'll put a stop
to all the stealing.
And your father is
a reasonable man,
but sometimes even he
can be pushed too far.
You don't poke the bear.
Police! Nobody move!
We have a warrant
to search these premises
on suspicion of
possession of narcotics.
Nice.
Narcotics? What are you...
Sir, we need you to
just remain calm,
and we'll get through this
as quickly as possible.
Weren't you Annie Oakley
in the school play?
Yeah, but I wasn't very good.
My stuff!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God.
All this time, you were just
using me to get to my dad?
And all this time you
were selling drugs,
and you never even
bought us a DVD player?
Get him out of here.
Hey, doctor man,
it must be great
saving people all day.
What do I do?
Play kickball.
They're going to have
some spectacular headaches,
but, uh, otherwise
they'll be fine.
That is good news.
Thank you for coming
out here, Doctor.
I don't say anything about
this, you don't say anything
about the keys I left
in your gallbladder.
Deal.
So what are we going to
do about the parents?
Come on, honey, it's time
to go back to the room
with your wonderful,
wonderful father.
Thank you so much.
You saved our marriage.
I almost forgot she was a woman.
Let's go, son.
Whoa, Dad.
You want to turn
the volume down?
It's not a total loss.
When they took the
door off the hinges,
they discovered Leland
had a hot plate.
We all got to watch while
they made him unplug it
and put it in the closet.
Don't you worry about it, honey.
Just be glad this was
our safety school.
When we go to Yale,
I promise I'll be
much more on top of things.
From now on we are going to be
a family that eats healthy.
Brownie? Mmm.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
I have my first college
visit coming up.
I get to stay overnight in
a dorm, tour the campus
and spend 18 hours pretending
my family doesn't exist.
I actually skipped all
the way to school today.
I probably should've stopped
once I passed the football
field, but who cares?
My body may have been
stuffed in a trash can,
but my mind was taking a
shower with a college chick.
Come on, there's
tons of reasons
to go out with a guy like me.
To make your dad mad, or
your boyfriend jealous.
Maybe you just hate yourself,
or have a sick curiosity.
I don't know! I can't do
all the work for you!
I thought I at least I had a
chance with the fat ride.
Did you actually call her that?
Hey, I didn't make her fat.
Who is that?
That's Christie.
She's the new narc.
We have a new narc?
What happened to Druggie Dougie?
He got served divorce
papers in history class.
Aw, come on, she's so cute.
She's a narc?
Hey, papers? Anyone got papers?
Hey, papers? Anybody got papers?
Do you even know
anyone who does drugs?
Why are you asking me? I
don't have any friends.
But sometimes, I do
have brilliant ideas.
Where are you going?
Malcolm, I live in a
world of what the hells.
Ooh...
Oh, man, I am so...
Never mind.
You can't
do this to me!
Dad's supposed to
take me, not you!
Malcolm, this is your first
visit to a university.
Your father and I talked it
over and we both agreed.
This is a big deal, we
don't want to blow it.
If I come along, I can make sure
that you don't say or do
anything that you shouldn't.
I can take a little of
the pressure off you.
Wait a second.
You guys are talking about
college for Malcolm and not me?
I'm a year older than he is.
Why aren't you taking me
to look at colleges?
Well, son...
I'm just screwing with you.
Relax.
Dewey, dinner.
I guess he'll eat it cold again.
What the hell
are you doing back here?!
The pianos are for
paying customers only!
You're wearing out the keys!
Hey!
I'm not going to
buy you a piano.
You've never even had lessons.
I don't need lessons.
I already know how to play.
I'm great. Look.
That's very cute, Dewey, but
we can't afford a piano.
Do you know how close my company
is to going out of business?
They're selling our
office furniture
and forcing us to
have desk buddies.
Dad, you don't
know me very well,
but you couldn't
have missed the fact
that I'm having a
horrible childhood.
Now there's a chance
for you to make it
suck a little less.
I said no. End of discussion.
Now you're just going
to have to find
some other way to
amuse yourself.
I don't understand it.
I told all of the guests
about my Hayride for
Lovers on Friday night,
and no one signed up.
Well, most of the
guests have children.
They can't just abandon them
to go on a couples-only hayride.
We're only allowing couples.
Ah, well, then there--
there is the solution.
We will start a
child-care center.
Ooh, Otto, I don't think...
It will be wonderful.
We will have posture contests,
and I can show them slides
of my childhood in
postwar Germany.
They will love it.
Otto, as great as that idea is,
I wouldn't set my heart on it.
These people came here to spend
time with their families.
They're not just going
to dump their children
the first chance they get.
Can we leave them overnight?
...and the delivery's on time?
Good.
I've got a lot of
hungry customers.
Oh, hey, Christie,
I didn't see you.
Are you ready? I think
you're going to be
pleasantly surprised by how
much ice cream I can eat.
Look, Reese, um, you
know, we got coffee,
and we saw a movie,
and we went skating.
I thought hanging out with you
would involve a little more...
partying.
Don't you have like a friend
or maybe someone you know of
or someone you heard rumors
about that could help us out?
Hey, I got to trust somebody
before I party with them.
You trust me, don't you?
Not yet, but there must be
some way a hot girl like you
can get a desperate guy
like me to trust you.
Hey, why don't we go
park by the river
and see if we can
think of something.
I hope you weren't hunched over
like that during your interview.
Why didn't you tell him about
your extracurricular activities?
How do you even
know what I said?
Did you have your ear pressed
up against the door?
You should be a little less
concerned about what I did
and a little bit more concerned
about your own performance.
And next time say "bless
you" when he sneezes.
These people are looking for
any excuse not to like you.
All right, 230.
You walked me to my dorm
room, you chose my lunch,
you tucked in my shirt in
the middle of orientation.
Now will you please just leave?
Why are you in such a
hurry to get rid of me?
Because I'm supposed to be
doing this stuff on my own.
I'm just here to make sure you
do it on your own the right way.
Hi. Are you Malcolm? Yeah.
I'm Paula. And this
is Andrea and Scott.
I guess we're all going
to be roommates tonight.
Cool. Well, I'll
put my bags, uh...
Excuse me. You mean you
boys and you girls
are staying in the same room?
Yeah. It'll be just like
really being in college.
There. Now we'll all have
the same version of
what happened here.
That's exactly what I
would have done, Lois.
Yep. Camped out in the room.
You didn't happen to take
the oven timer, did you?
I can't understand this...
All week stuff has
been disappearing
right from under my nose.
It's like I put something down,
and then it's just gone.
No, it's not even
anything worth stealing.
It's as if someone is trying
to make me crazy on purpose.
You're probably right.
I love you, too. Bye.
What the...?
Can I please have
some more lemonade?
What a wonderfully
polite little boy.
Please, take a sewing kit
und a small moisturizer.
Otto, none of the parents
showed up for the hayride.
Their kids are here.
It's so weird.
Nobody's answering their phones,
so I went by all their rooms.
They all have Do Not Disturb...
Oh.
I guess I better go
get a pep talk ready
for housekeeping in the morning.
Mom, what are you doing
with my underwear?!
You had it all crammed
up there in the corner.
Wrinkled clothes are the
sign of a disorganized mind.
So then I took a guided tour
of the Plaza de
Espana in Barthelona.
I'm not mispronouncing it.
That's the way they say it.
Barthelona.
That is so interesting.
I wish I was more interesting.
Do you think it would
be pretentious to use
the word "legerdemain" into a
conversation with the dean?
What am I saying?
Of course it's pretentious.
I'm such a lackwit.
Relax. If you can't be
pretentious in college,
where can you be pretentious?
Really? So when I get to college
it'd be okay if I
called myself Antigone?
Of course.
All right, kid, here's the
deal, my name is Leland.
More importantly, I'm the RA,
which stands for
Resident Advisor,
which means I'm in
charge of this floor.
So you're going to have
to keep the music down.
Is it really that loud?
Listen, guy,
I can either be your best
friend or your worst nightmare.
Now turn the radio down.
Is there a problem here?
Who are you?
I'm his mother. I'm
supervising these kids
in this coed room
which I cannot believe
your school condones.
You know, ma'am, that's
not what I'm here about.
That radio is at least five dBs
above the approved noise level.
I'd hate to have
to confiscate it
or move on to more
serious consequences.
You know what, Leland?
I've been to college.
I know exactly how much power
and authority an RA has.
Good night.
Wow.
Malcolm, your mom is awesome.
I am so glad you brought her.
This horn's from Dad's van,
and this one's from Mom's car
and this one's from
the ice cream truck.
Dewey. What are you doing?
The spout fell down.
I'm fixing it.
Good boy.
Listen, I talked with Mrs. Hittelman
down the block and she said
that if you want, you
can use her piano.
Thanks anyway, Dad, but I found
something else to amuse myself.
Oh. Well, good.
Hey, have you seen
my hair dryer?
I swear, it's like stuff is just
getting up and walking off.
Either that or someone's
messing with me.
Dad, I think I figured
out what's going on.
Somebody's sneaking
into the house
and stealing stuff.
Probably punks.
No, not punks, son.
Just good kids who got
lost along the way.
Either way, they're going down.
And then the priest said,
"Those aren't my galoshes."
Mom is actually letting
me walk all the way
to the vending machine and back
without tying a
string to my waist.
Ha.
This moment is almost as sweet
as the candy you can't have.
Wow. Denied candy.
If I were 12 years younger,
I guess I'd cry.
What's going on out here?
Oh, God, no.
The snack bar is closed.
You're denying my son candy?.
Mom, it doesn't matter.
I'll just go down
to the next floor.
Use of the vending machine
is a privilege, not a right.
If my son wants a candy bar,
he can have a candy bar.
You don't get to decide for him.
I get to decide.
Do I even need to
be here for this?
Since I'm the one with
the key to the lock,
I think I'm in charge.
Come on.
This isn't over yet.
Mom, why don't you
just put me in a diaper?
One thing at a time, Malcolm.
First, we're going to
get you that candy.
...and my parents
they just drive me crazy.
I just need to ditch reality
and escape sometimes.
You know what I mean?
Look, Christie,
here's the thing.
When I first met you, I
was just messing around,
but we've gotten so
close that now...
I really like you.
I can't keep this up anymore.
What do you mean?
I'm not the person
you think I am.
I've been pretending
since the day I met you.
It's so hard having to
constantly cover my tracks
to keep my story straight,
and I don't want to anymore.
I'm tired of living this lie.
Reese, I think I
know your secret.
No, actually, you don't,
but it doesn't matter
'cause I'm done with it.
I'm sorry.
Did you get all that?
Yeah, it looks like
he's going straight.
So if we're going to bust this
kid, we better do it now.
All Malcolm wanted
was a candy bar,
but Leland put a lock
on the vending machine.
We can't let him get
away with this.
I want to go on record:
I hated him first.
This would never
happen in Barthelona.
Why are Americans so immature?
Why don't you just
write an angry note
or-or a missive after
I get accepted?
Look, Scott, you'll
face jerks and tyrants
like Leland all your life.
The sooner you learn how to
deal with them, the better.
And no one's chances of
getting into this school
are going to be affected.
He is going to hand
over that key.
How? I don't know yet,
but there are plenty of ways
to force people to
do what you want.
You can find something
incriminating in their room.
You can get dirt
from a bitter ex,
or you can make a
blanket accusation
with absolute conviction
and just wait for them
to blurt out something.
Wait.
You use that trick
on me all the time.
No, sweetie, that's a
different thing entirely.
We've gotta get
Malcolm some candy.
Well, I guess I'll be cool
and popular after college.
Dewey?
Dad! In here!
Quick! What is it?.
I just saw someone sneak
out with Mom's robe.
Good eye, son.
Halt!
Halt, you damn punks!
Everything is fine.
Nothing in here
but children enjoying
themselves dancing
and skipping like young lambs.
Come again soon.
Otto, it's Francis.
I have the DVDs. Let me in.
We have a slight problem.
You know how I wanted everything
to be special for the children.
So I went to the store
and I got those cookies
and then I saw this
old-fashioned hard lemonade,
I bought three cases.
Hard lemonade? That
has alcohol in it.
Yes, Francis, I said
there was a problem.
Who lives in a pineapple
under the sea?
I do. I do.
Don't tell me to use
my indoor voice.
Why don't you use
your indoor voice?.
I'm not just saying it, man.
We should totally
have a play date.
Oh, my God.
These parents trusted me
with their little ones
und I've poisoned them.
What kind of a monster am I?
Otto, you made an
honest mistake,
but everything's gonna be okay.
As long as the kids are
in here, they're safe.
Oh!
Well,
it's a little early for
Christmas carols, isn't it?
Leland, I think we got off
on the wrong foot earlier.
Obviously, this job is
very important to you.
Who knows where you
could find another
that commands respect and power.
You know, it would
be such a shame
if somehow you got fired
and had to go back home
where your older
brother and sister
get all the attention
that you deserve.
Do you really want to risk
that for a 75-cent candy bar?
You really have me pegged--
Except for what you're
forgetting is--
the lower the stakes,
the greater the thrill
from the arbitrary
exercise of power.
If this were a one-cent candy
bar, I'd be on the moon.
I happen to be a control freak.
If you get me fired, I'll just
find some other job where
I can be a control freak.
Kinko's is looking
for a night manager.
Either way, I've already written
negative-evaluation
e-mails of these kids
to the Office of Admissions.
All I have to do is hit "Send."
She overloaded a
wall socket, too!
We're just like the
bulls in Pamplona.
Now, you.
Any freshman Psych major
can see it's obvious
life didn't pan out the
way you thought it would,
so now to make up for it, you
have to run your kid's life.
I don't know who to root for.
The simple truth is,
you're just too afraid to let go
of the one thing in your
life that may be a success.
But, hey, you don't have
to take my word for it.
Why don't we just ask
the other mothers here
and see what they think?
Oh, that's right.
There are no other mothers here.
You just cost this floor their
electricity privileges.
Mom?
I can't do this.
What?
I wanted to help
you, to take care
of things for you,
but you know what?
I'm just not up to it.
I think you should
do this on your own.
What?
It's time for me to step aside
and let you handle things.
Malcolm, I know you can do this.
Unless I missed the sarcasm,
I think she meant that.
I've actually been given
permission to run my own life.
Well, at least get
my own candy bar.
But you know what?
I want that candy bar more
than I want my next breath.
I have a plan.
Malcolm, what are you doing?
My plan.
Well, get your foot
out of the door.
It's stuck.
By the way, our Madrigal
group is having a sing-off
against Jazzmatazz tomorrow.
You should check it
out before you leave.
All right, Jamie,
this'll put a stop
to all the stealing.
And your father is
a reasonable man,
but sometimes even he
can be pushed too far.
You don't poke the bear.
Police! Nobody move!
We have a warrant
to search these premises
on suspicion of
possession of narcotics.
Nice.
Narcotics? What are you...
Sir, we need you to
just remain calm,
and we'll get through this
as quickly as possible.
Weren't you Annie Oakley
in the school play?
Yeah, but I wasn't very good.
My stuff!
♪ ♪
Oh, my God.
All this time, you were just
using me to get to my dad?
And all this time you
were selling drugs,
and you never even
bought us a DVD player?
Get him out of here.
Hey, doctor man,
it must be great
saving people all day.
What do I do?
Play kickball.
They're going to have
some spectacular headaches,
but, uh, otherwise
they'll be fine.
That is good news.
Thank you for coming
out here, Doctor.
I don't say anything about
this, you don't say anything
about the keys I left
in your gallbladder.
Deal.
So what are we going to
do about the parents?
Come on, honey, it's time
to go back to the room
with your wonderful,
wonderful father.
Thank you so much.
You saved our marriage.
I almost forgot she was a woman.
Let's go, son.
Whoa, Dad.
You want to turn
the volume down?
It's not a total loss.
When they took the
door off the hinges,
they discovered Leland
had a hot plate.
We all got to watch while
they made him unplug it
and put it in the closet.
Don't you worry about it, honey.
Just be glad this was
our safety school.
When we go to Yale,
I promise I'll be
much more on top of things.