Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 5, Episode 19 - Dewey's Special Class - full transcript

"How angry would you be

if someone broke your
antique music box?"

What do you mean?
Does it play at all?

Great.

What, were you roughhousing
in my bedroom?

And I don't suppose you're
even gonna come out here

and face your punishment?

Hal, is that you?

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Stevie, come on.

Jonas Salk would've
solved this days ago.

He wasn't...
working with...

an idiot.

You're calling me an idiot?



You want to make

a type-two-restriction
enzyme in yeast

without using any bacteria,

and I'm the idiot?

Yes...

and yes.

We have to... try something.

What do you think I've been
doing for the last two weeks?

When am I getting my room back?

I can't work on my sexy-face
out there in front of Mom.

What are you guys
doing in here anyway?

Trying to create a new kind
of restriction enzyme.

What does it look like?

You're messing up
my room for that?

This is important.

Restriction enzymes are used

for chromosome mapping,

DNA testing, gene splicing.

It's for a big
national competition.

If we win this,

our paper will be published
in a scientific journal.

We'll probably be able
to write our ticket

to any college in the country.

Then everyone... will pay.

Only our incubator
keeps breaking down.

Plus, we're running low on agar,
we're completely out of blood,

our yeast keeps getting
contaminated...

Maybe I can help.

That's okay, Reese.

If we need a head caught
in a wastepaper basket,

we'll give you a call.

Why do you do that?

I offered to help you,
and you turn it around

and make it about
me being stupid.

Seriously.

I might have something
to contribute.

Why don't you just
give me a chance?

That's two pints. We'd
better not take any more.

This is so exciting.

I feel like I'm going to faint!

Four dollars, right?

Thanks. Say hi to Dewey for me.

Who was that?

Oh, some kid from Dewey's
class selling chocolate.

Enjoy your strained beets,

little man.

Is it that time of year again?

Mom, please don't make me.

Aha! I wondered
what you were doing

with a book bag.

I don't want to go door-to-door
selling stupid candy.

Dewey, your father and I have missed
everything at school this year--

the paper drive, the car
wash, the bake sale.

We need you to
pick up the slack.

You are doing this.

Dad, do I have to?

Dad?

Of course you're doing it.

It'll be great

for your character to sell--

oh, what's a good number--

275 bars.

Looks like there's about
another half hour

of sunlight left-- what
are you waiting for?

Fine, I'll do it!

But I just want you to know,

if some crazy couple steals me
and then raises me as a girl,

it's on your head.

No, it's not.

Hello?

Hey, Dewey. What's going on?

You won't believe what
Mom's putting me through.

What is it this time?

They're doing a candy
bar drive at school,

and we've all been given a
ton of candy bars to sell.

Oh, I used to hate that.

And you know what Mom did? What?

She forbid me to sell them.

She said I'd never be able

to sell a single one.

Oh, she did?

That is horrible!

I'll buy a dozen
right now, Dewey.

She even compared me selling
candy to you getting married.

You know what?
Make it two dozen.

But don't tell Mom--
she'll think I did it

just to make her mad.

Tell her someone
else bought them.

Wouldn't that be a lie?

It doesn't matter.

It's justified--
she's the reason

that no one in this family
has any confidence.

I'm hanging up right now so
I can write you a check.

Hey, Fred, where are you
going with that piglet?

Well, can't keep him in the pen.
The sow rejected him.

So you're gonna take him home?

Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.

Oh, no!

Do you have to?

Well, listen, he's half the size

of the rest of the litter.

The other piglets
won't let him feed.

It's the humane thing to do.

Fred, you can't do this.
Look at his face.

He knows you're gonna take
him out and kill him.

Well, he does now.

Ralph! What?

You can't kill him
if he has a name.

It's Ralph. Little
Ralph the piglet.

Aw, geez.

That's my kid's name. Here.

Did it separate?

Hell, no.

So we still don't
have an enzyme.

What is our problem?

We've tried...

every variable...

of heat... and pressure?

Yes, yes, yes.

We've tried acids,
we've tried bases.

How much blood do we have left?

Plenty.

I snuck...

another pint... when
he was sleeping.

Stevie! He wants... to help.

I know, but I took care of that.

He kept bugging me, so I
gave him some food coloring

and told him they
were chemicals.

Guys, guys! I've
made a discovery!

When you mix blue and yellow,
you get an entirely new color!

I'm gonna name it...

"blellow."

Hey, look at this.

Dewey has already
sold 52 candy bars.

He still has a long
way to go, Lois.

Let's keep our feet
on the ground.

For now.

Kitty, come down.

Fear not!

Have your pets
spayed or neutered.

It's nice Dewey's working
so hard for the school.

If he keeps this up, we'll be
able to blow off the Safety Fair.

Hello, sir.

Sorry. I don't eat candy.

Oh, these aren't candy bars.

These are America Bars.

What are you talking about?

You know, America Bars.

Well, actually, I prefer
the term "Freedom Bars."

You love America, right?

Well, of course I do.

Well, there are a lot
of people out there

who are hoping we
won't do our part.

What do you mean?

You know. People.
People who don't have

this country's best
interests at heart.

So, these candy bars
help fight terrorism?

With every chocolatey,
nougaty bite.

How much are they?

$9.50.

I'll take two.

Thank you.

No, young man. Thank you.

Separate!

Hello...

trade school.

I wish Reggie would kill Archie

and take over this comic.

Malcolm, I need you to
watch Jamie for a while.

Mom, we're at a very critical
point in our experiment.

I'm sorry. Are you new?

Stevie, explain to your friend
how things work around here.

Anything?

No change.

Bounce him higher.

Well, none of these worked.

Maybe we should...

Oh, my God!

It...
separated!

Yeah! We did it!

We made an enzyme!

Unbelievable!

What'd you do to it?

I didn't... do anything.

What? Well, neither did I.

Blellow!

Hey, guys.

How did... you do it?

I didn't do anything.

Look, we're not mad at you.

We just need to
know what you did.

Why are you always blaming me?

Reese, you did a good thing.

You somehow got this
thing to separate.

You must have added something.

What was it?

Oh.

I just... I don't know
if I can even remember.

I mean, I wasn't paying
that much attention,

and there was all this
other stuff going on.

And I'm not sure why
I'd tell you...

if you're not going
to give me credit!

What?

This is a big contest.

Big enough for the three of us.

So, either we split the
credit three ways,

or I'm not talking.

You are picking

the wrong guys to
mess with, Reese.

Yeah.

Let's tattle.

...and he won't
tell us what he did

unless we give him
credit for it.

It's so unfair.

All he did was just
read comic books

and we've been working
on it for weeks.

What is it you want
me to do, Malcolm?

Force him to tell us.

Wait a minute.

It seems to me if Reese
fixed your experiment,

he should get some credit.

What? No.

He doesn't even
know why it works.

I've been working for 20
years without knowing why.

Give Reese the credit.

Calm down, Ralph, it's okay.

You're all right.

What happened?

The other piglets
were mean to him.

Francis, you said last week

you'd put that thing
back in its pen.

I tried, but he's just so
good-natured and sweet,

the others won't let him feed.

I am not putting
him back in there

until I teach him to
be more assertive.

But we're spending every second
of the day taking care of him.

Hey, no one ever said raising
a pig would be easy.

No one ever said we'd
be raising a pig.

Listen, Francis...

either you return Ralph
to his pen tonight,

or he's gonna be looking
up at you from an omelet.

Come on, Ralph.

It's gut-check time.

Your brothers don't think
you can keep up with them.

Is that what you think?

Come on, I know you can do it.

You just gotta get tough.

Come on, show me your mean face.

Hmm. What's that?

Ah. The stink of failure.

Okay, Reese. We give up.

Just tell us what you did
and we'll give you credit.

Okay, just sign this.

"Reese is a full partner
in this experiment

"and is entitled to a
full share of the credit

"because without his help,

this would have
been impossible."

Outwitted...

by a dumb ass.

Everything seems to be in order.

All right, Reese,
tell us what you did.

Okay.

I have no idea.

I don't remember doing
anything special to it.

What?! But now when you

make fun of me and tell
people I'm stupid,

I have actual evidence
in your own handwriting

that says I'm just
as smart as you are.

Hah! Finally, there
is justice in...

This baby's mother
is 13 years old.

Every candy bar you buy

goes towards buying
unwed mothers like her

schoolbooks and hot lunches.

I'll get my purse.

I'm telling you I
don't remember!

Okay, let him up.

Reese...

this is important.

It's for medicine.

This enzyme could help save
somebody's life one day.

Just please try to think
about what you did.

Um...

I can't. I'm sorry.

I don't know.

I was just hanging out in
the room like I always do.

Re... create it.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Just do everything you did

when you were in the
room by yourself.

Just close your
eyes and pretend.

See everything you did
in your mind's eye

and then just do what you see.

Stevie and I aren't even here.

You're alone in the
room just like before.

Okay, let's see...

First thing was...

you guys left.

And then I went to
the test tubes...

...to see what an
enzyme tasted like.

But then it was boring already.

And then... I saw
something shiny...

...and I put it in
my "shiny" box.

And then...

Right.

And then I got one of
Malcolm's shirts...

and then I...

Oh, my God.

Then I played with
Dewey's Game Boy.

And your teacher called to say

you sold more chocolate
bars than anyone else.

She said all your
classmates hate you.

I'm so proud, Dewey.

Well, you know, it's
a good product.

They really sell themselves.

I can't believe it.

Dewey sold over
1,500 candy bars.

1,500...

Page 12.

They'll eat your dad's dust.

Hi.

Is this where the boy lives
who's selling Eco-Bars?

Sorry, we're all out.
Come back later.

Well, there you are. We
wanted to buy some more

of those candy bars
that heal the forests.

You should be so
proud of your boy.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Of course you do.

You said every bar
plants a seedling

in fire-ravaged Yellowstone.

Ooh, and I love the little bonus

of 10% going to pro-life causes.

Wait a minute.

He told me 10% went
to pro-choice causes.

I didn't know you felt that way.

I didn't know you felt that way.

Excuse me, ladies,

I have to tell
someone how I feel.

You are in

so much trouble.

I hope you'll think
about what you did

every time you see me
driving by in your prize.

He's not getting any prize.

You've been lying

to everyone to get
them to buy candy?

What did we tell
you about lying?

Lying is the worst
thing you can do.

It destroys character, Dewey.

It destroys the trust
people have in each other.

Do you understand?

Yes.

What do you have to
say for yourself?

Francis told me to do it.

I should have known.

Did you tell your brother to
lie about those candy bars?

You bet I did.

And I'm sick of you

standing on the sidelines

sabotaging everything
we try to do.

Have you lost your
mind, Francis?

What kind of advice is that
to give to your brother?

This is all your fault.

I'm just trying

to help the kid

instead of tearing him
down all the time.

And I'm sick of you thinking

that everything we do is stupid.

Okay, Ralph, remember
your visualization.

You're mean, you're tough.

You're the biggest
pig in the pen

and you're not afraid of anyone.

Get in there, kick some ass

and nurse like you have
never nursed before.

Hey, that's it, Ralph.

Get in there. Good for you.

Good.

Okay, stop, Ralph.

Ralph, no biting.

Oh, not the mother, too!

That's gross.

No, Ralph, not the...

chicken coop.

If I were you, I'd hurry up
and start naming the cattle.

...and then my ears

were finally clean.

Then I was going to update

my enemies list,

but I remembered I
had math homework.

Didn't get it.

Didn't get it. Didn't get it.

Didn't get it.

Stupid. Stupid.

Stupid. Stupid.

Stupid.

I hate you, I hate you.

Then I worked on my triceps.

Hey, no one likes math.

Sorry.

That's okay.

So, what'd you do next?

Nothing.

I started playing with the ball.

Well, I guess we won't...

Throw it... again.

What?

Reese, keep throwing it.

Look.

It separated.

It separated!

There must be asbestos
in the ceiling.

Of course.

What are you talking about?
Reese, you did it.

Asbestos is a highly
mutagenic material.

It can change the way cells
reproduce-- these cells.

And it's been here
the whole time.

We have asbestos in our ceiling.

We have asbestos
in our ceiling.

We have asbestos in our ceiling.

Yay.

What?

Scrabbled eggs, coming up.

So we're living out here

till they get the
asbestos cleaned out.

Oh, and we won the contest.

Turns out the company
sponsoring it

keeps all the patent rights.

They're using our work to
make a new cholesterol drug

that'll earn billions.

And you know what we got?

A pencil case.

It has a compass in it.

Mom, Dad, anybody need a pencil?

No, Reese. We still
don't need a pencil.

Well, if you do, you
know where to find it.

Okay, Francis, how
much longer are we

going to have to share
the bed with Ralph?

It's getting ridiculous.

He puts up a brave front,

but I don't think he really
feels that confident.

He'll let us know
when he's ready.