Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 4, Episode 7 - Malcolm Holds His Tongue - full transcript

By D06IHERE

Hey, Mom, I grew an inch!

♪ Life is unfair... ♪

Stevie, come on.
That's ten in a row.

I'm sick... of this.

It's important!

I worked my butt off
to make the JV team.

I got to stay sharp.

Could you at least
try to block it?

Still too easy.

Can I put you
on a ladder?



Come back, please!

I'll find us a ride!

Those concert tickets
cost me $40 each.

That's two times 40.

Divide that in two,
and it's $40 a ticket!

But it's not my fault
I can't drive us.

You're the one who had
his license taken away!

Because my public defender

wouldn't even try
the insanity defense.

Well, you better
think of something,

because if we
can't get there,

then we're not going!

Don't ever date
anyone smarter than you.

Okay, break's over.



Let's get back to work.

You take it out.

I want to work
on my defense.

And this time,
don't just sit there.

Try to move
the ball around.

My... bad.

I'm sorry. I know
I'm being a little crazy,

but for the first time
in my life,

I'm actually good
at something

that normal people
care about.

Being on the team
is the best thing

that's ever happened to me
and I don't want to screw it up.

All I'm saying is
that if we want to win,

which I think we do,

it seems to me we should
be using an offense

that has a remote chance
of actually working.

I can't be the only one here
who thinks

there's something deeply flawed
with your game plan.

I think if you thought about it
for just a second,

you'd realize you need
to make some changes.

What the hell is wrong with me?!

Why can't I just learn
to shut up?

We're... the same.

We speak...

before... we think.

LOIS:
Malcolm!

How many times do I have to tell
you to hang up your wet towel

after you've used it?!

Is that so hard?

Because if it is,

maybe we should just
take your towel away.

And the next time
you take a shower,

you can run around the backyard
until you dry.

Gee, Mom, wouldn't the front
yard be more humiliating?

Sorry.

And I don't want any...

What did you say?

I'm sorry.

Yes. Well...

I can see you boys
are studying,

so maybe this isn't the best
time to deal with this.

Do you want any sodas
or anything?

You're sure you like
your birthday present?

Dad, the boots are perfect.

They're just what I wanted.
Listen,

they were really expensive,
so take good care of them, okay?

I will. Don't worry about it.

Thanks again, Dad.

(sighs)

What the hell
are you doing?

Piama, this is an
old cowboy trick.

You soak your
boots in water,

and you don't take them off,
even for a minute,

until they are
completely dry,

even if it takes days.

And when you're done,
they fit like a glove.

I know it
seems drastic,

but believe me,
I know what I'm doing.

Those are $300 boots
you just ruined.

I didn't ruin
anything.

This is what you're
supposed to do!

You're going to have
to trust me on this.

Why do you always talk to me
like I'm an idiot?

"...and everyone
but the rabbit

lived happily ever after."

And the moral
of that fable, son,

is that turtles
are pathological liars

who won't give you their gold.

Got it.

♪ ♪

Dad?

It's like watching the gods
return to Olympus.

Oh, uh, hello...
excuse me...

Hey! What is
this called?

We're racewalking.

I've never seen anything
like it.

The... the style, the grace.

Well, it's not
all just about looking good.

It's the best low-impact
aerobic exercise ever invented,

despite what you hear
from all those Tai-Chi punks.

Yeah, but how
do you do it?

Well, the International
Racewalking Federation specifies

you must have one foot
on the ground at all times.

But...

And your front leg
must remain straight

until it's completely under you.

Something
like this?

Hey! I think you've got it!

Look at that, guys. I think
we got ourselves a natural!

(giggles)

(all cheering)
Wow!

Look at me!

I can walk!
Yeah!

NICKI:
So then what happens is

I'm sitting there
eating my lunch when

Carla comes up to me and
she's completely furious at me

because Cody dumped her.

I mean, yeah, I'm the
one who set then up,

but does that make it
my responsibility?

Why are you asking me?

I don't even know these people.

I know, I know.
I can see her side, too,

but she was completely
screaming at me.

And now I feel bad
because she was crying,

and I just kept thinking,

"Did I do something
so totally wrong?"

I honestly don't care.

My parents are going
to be home any minute.

Can we please start making out
while we still have time?

Uh-uh.

Oh, Malcolm, thank you so much.

I'm so lucky to have you.

You make me feel so good.

Wow, this is fantastic.

I'm never going to say
what's on my mind ever again.

All I have to do
is keep my mouth shut.

Just not say a word and let her
do all the talking and...

Dad, please.

The concert's Saturday night.
I need a ride!

Reese, no!

Your mom has to work
and my car's in the shop.

You'll just have to
find someone else.

Are my hips even?

Watch my butt
while I walk.

Dad, I swear to God,

if you don't drive me,
I will leave home forever!

Or I'll never leave--
whatever's worse.

It's your choice, pal.

I think you're
going to like this.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.

I put it in my mouth,

your toenail
clippings are in it,

I spit it out, and you've
got it all on video.

It's been done.

I am so sorry about that.

But we've both grown up
a lot since then,

and I have a proposal I think
you might find interesting.

It's still warm.

Now, I know
a hip guy like you

keeps up with
the current music scene.

It's awfully short notice

and you're probably
not even available.

What are you
talking about?

There's a concert
this Saturday,

and Alison and I were wondering
if you'd like to go.

You want me to go to
a concert with you?

Yeah, pretty much.
But the real fun part

is the drive there
and the drive back.

But I don't have
to tell you, right?

I mean, look who
I'm talking to--

a single, middle-aged guy
with a cat?

You know all about
the dating scene.

Well, sure, that's
my rep, but...

I mean, it's not
like you're even excited

to go out on a real date.

It's not
like it's something

that you'd be bragging
about for weeks...

(laughs): Of course not.
I mean, who cares?

But... if people
were to ask,

I'm not forbidden
to tell them, am I?

Not at all.
This is going to be great.

And you say I can
tell people, right?

Hello, everybody!

Hey, Hal!
Hey, it's "The Natural!"

I have to tell you, Hal,
I've never seen anybody

take to the sport
as fast as you.

What's it been,
three days?

Already, you're
better than I am.

Now, now, it's not
about the competition.

I mean, it's not a race, right?

ALL:
Whoa!

It's only a matter of time
till we're surrounded.

Now, we've got to get word
to Allied Command,

but any radio messages
will be intercepted.

You think I don't know that?

I've sent

for our secret weapon.

(panting)

You called for me, sir?

Corporal.
I don't need to tell you

the fate of the entire
free world

depends on you
delivering this message

to Allied Command by morning.

My God, that's 60 miles away.

I'll say hello to
the boys at HQ for you

over waffles, sir.

Let's just thank God
he's on our side.

Oh, my God,
it's Wheeler.

He must be back
from the Nationals.

On your left.

On your left!
(yelps)

On your right!
On your left!

On your right!

(yelps)

Okay, just be cool.

No matter what he says,
don't say anything.

How much simpler
can it get?!

You pass, pass, pass,
dribble, dribble, pass,

dribble, pass, shoot!

Um, excuse me, Coach.

Well, well, well...
look who's here.

Coach, I'd like to apologize
for the other day.

I'd like to get
back on the team.

So, you'd like to apologize
and get back on the team?

I think I just said that, yes.

Do you know what this is?

A symbol of my authority.

They don't just hand these
whistles out to just anybody.

It means that I'm in charge.

I call the plays. Understood?

Yeah. It's a magic whistle
that makes you all-powerful.

All right.

You're back on the team.

(panting)

Time!

25 minutes
and 43.2 seconds.

Damn!

Are you sure you
started it exactly

when I called
you from work?

Yes. Do you want me
to lie to you?

All right, go ahead
and log in the time, son.

Hey, look, Malcolm, come here.

I need you to help me
make sense of all these times.

Now, these are
the last three days.

Some of these are with the cap,
some without.

Some with bike shorts,
some without; one with both,

one in just my pajamas.

So you can whip up

some kind of scientific analysis
of all this, right?

Sure, I've only got better to
do with the rest of my life.

Okay.

You're a good son.

By the way, how much
allowance are we giving you?

What family do you live in?

Nothing, why?

Well, how does five bucks
a week sound?

Great.
Hey!
(yells)

Dewey, he's older, and he
doesn't give me as much malarkey

when I ask him for a favor.

Are you biting
your nails again?

Those look horrible.

No. They're fine.

(doorbell ringing)

Look, I've only
got two minutes.

A woman thinks I'm looking in
the stock room for a humidifier.

Now, I want you
to listen to this tape

and tell me whether
you think it's better

to go ELO-Kansas-Doobies
or Doobies-Kansas-ELO.

I'm not telling you
which one I'm voting for.

What are you
talking about?

The mix tape! For our date!

Didn't you get my e-mails
or phone messages

or the notes I left
under your door?

No, I have a lot of homework
to do during the week,

and I can't
really spend...

Look, just listen
to it tonight

and get back to me with
your top four choices.

Now, what do you
think for a shirt?

I like the blue,
but I'm worried

the open-collar look
is a bit racy.

You don't have
any pants on!

That's what these are for.

I want you to pick your
favorites separately,

then we'll decide
what goes together.

Whatever.
(giggles)

I am going to call you
a million times before Saturday.

I haven't been this
excited in years.

Now I know why people
look forward to weekends.

(giggles)

(alarm clock blares)

♪ ♪

(humming)

♪ ♪

(exhaling sharply)

(chuckles):
Oh, please.

(gasping)

(grunts)

You know, you're not finished

till you put those away
and wipe down the counters.

Why don't I buff the floor

and lick your shoes
while I'm at it?!

Yes, ma'am.

Look at me.

Are you on drugs?
What?

You've been acting
really strange lately,

and I want to know
what's going on.

Well, apparently no one
in this house can tolerate it

when someone's
actually being pleasant!

Nothing.

Nothing?

So, everything's fine,
everything's normal,

you're not acting any different,
and I'm just crazy.

She's begging for it! Nail her!

I'm fine, really.

Well, you're looking
a little tired.

Why don't you let me finish up?

All right.

Dad, please,
it's been three hours.

Come on, Wheeler,

give me something.

What's your secret?

You're starting
to ruin TV for me.

I study your moves,
I copy your techniques,

but somehow you continue
to blow me out of the water.

Why?! How?!

Maybe he's just
better than you.

Have you ever
thought of that?

Billy Vargas can spit

ten feet further than I can.

I accept that.

Why can't you?

Oh, Dewey, maybe
you're right.

Maybe God didn't put me on
this Earth to beat this guy.

I mean, look at him.

Perfect posture,

great hip rotation, his...

Wait a minute.

Both feet off the ground

at the same time!

Dewey, do you see that?!

That's air.

That... that's air!

That's it!

I'm going to go read a book!

I hope you're happy!

Now, since Jeanette got the
T-shirt from my last 50K,

I think it's only fair to
give you girls my socks.

(both gasp)

Oh, my God!

Sorry to interrupt, Wheeler,

but I thought
we could have a little race.

Apparently, this man's
a lot like you girls--

you all can't get enough
of looking at my backside.

(laughter)

This shouldn't
take long.

Oh, and just
one more thing.

This time,
just to be different, let's...

walk.

What are you talking about?

You thought
no one would discover

your dirty little secret,
didn't you?

That clever little

flail of the wrist
every four steps,

masking the hop.

(crowd gasps)

But you can't fool the tape.

The tape sees all,
and I see the tape.

You are not a racewalker
at all.

You're nothing
but a common jogger.

(crowd gasps)

That is so rid...

Don't worry.

He won't get far.

(crowd cheering)

One-two-three, there!
One-two-three, there!

One-two-three, there!

(screaming)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(grunting)

So, then, when I was 13,

I got my first velour shirt,
and everything changed.

Suddenly, there was an opening
in the astronomy club.

People started sitting
on my side of the bus.

But I'm a Libra,
so I like to think

the best of people.

So, Craig, I was telling Alison

how well you focus
on your driving.

No, you were
just telling me

that if I really loved you,
I'd let you get under my...

So, you guys like
to take long walks on the beach?

I sure do.

Plus, I'm a grand master
at Battleship.

I've got the hat
if you'd like to see it.

So, Ali, do you have any
brothers or sisters?

What do you think
you're doing?!

You don't talk to me.
You just start kissing?

I am a person,
and I deserve

some conversation
and some of the social niceties

before the kissing starts.

You know what, I was okay
when he pulled over twice

to change his shirt,
but I really don't think

he should be yelling at me.

Okay, don't freak out.
I can handle this.

My family kind
of owns him.

You know, Craig, another
thing girls really like

is the strong,
silent type.

Craig, Craig,
you just passed the concert!

Oh, no, I don't think so.

But there was a sign,
and it had an arrow,

and we're supposed
to follow the pointy end!

Oh, come on.

There's other fun things
we can do.

I thought we'd start
with a hayride,

and then a light
dinner at Cicero's.

I've already tipped
the violinist

to drop by our table,
for the lady.

Then I thought
we'd cap off the evening

with a nice, romantic bonfire
at the lake.

Craig, you are
ruining our date!

(tires screech)

Now, listen here!

Do you know how long

I have dreamed
and planned for this night?

34 years!

And I am not going to let
you little brats ruin it!

We are going to have a hayride
and dinner and a bonfire,

and this is going
to be a magical evening

that will live
in our hearts forever!

What's that
on your glasses?

What?

(screaming)

Oh, my God!

Reese, you said
she'd be nice to me!

You said she'd like me!
(sobbing)

Yeah, let's ditch this loser.

Okay, okay.

See you at school.

CRAIG (sobbing):
Why?

Well, as you can see,

Miss Doubting Piama,
it may have taken

days and days
of wearing sopping wet boots,

but they are now snug, supple
and perfectly form-fitting.

You were right, honey.

Which would also make you...

Mistaken.

You know, I could

push for a more abject admission
of your wrongness,

but I'm going
to be a bigger man.

With better boots.

Call me
when you get tired of this.

Could be late.

(door closes)

Oh...!

If I hold out for a few days,

maybe the fungus
will eat the mushrooms.

How can we be losing
to a team

that hasn't won a game
in three years?!

Maybe because
you're a complete moron!

You know I can shoot!

Why won't you put me in?!

For God's sake,
that's it.

Time-out!

All right,
everybody up, come on!

All right,

you yo-yos.

Do you want to know why
we can't beat this team?

Because you're
not letting anyone shoot!

We're just passing the ball
back and forth!

Nobody on this team
has any heart.

Not a man.

You know, when the Allies
first hit the beach at Iwo Jima,

they didn't have better weapons
than the Germans.

They had something more
than firepower.

Have you completely
lost your mind?!

Put me in!

Let me shoot... the... ball!

Not one of you
has been able to forget

about the water in your boots,
or the sand in your mess kit

long enough to focus on
the success of the entire unit!

(distorted): Tell him to shut up
and put you in.

Tell him, tell him!

Malcolm... do you think
you can follow my game plan?

No, because
you're a freakin' idiot.

I hate you.

I want to kill you and dance
on your shallow grave.

That's my game plan.

All right, get in there.

Thanks.

A peptic ulcer?

How did you manage
to get a peptic ulcer?

The doctor said you
have the stomach lining

of a 60-year-old air
traffic controller.

You are a teenager,
for God's sake.

What do you have
to be stressed about?!

For your information,

I just spent the past
three hours on a gurney

next to a guy
who is still trying to smoke

out of the hole in his neck.

And the jackass
who put in this I.V.

couldn't find a vein
with two hands and a flashlight!

My call button
doesn't work!

These stupid sheets
are itchy.

There's only one channel
on the TV.

And what's this
about a bedpan?!

This is great, isn't it?

Alison's nice,
but I have to say

I think a date's better
with just two people.

Can we stop calling this a date?

Well, whatever it is,

I can't wait to see the look
on my neighbor's face

when I come strolling
home after 11:00.

Eat your heart out,
Mrs. Klevesahl.

I think I just missed my curfew.

There are no curfews
on a night like tonight.

(playing chords)

♪ Here I am,
the one that you love ♪

♪ Asking for another day ♪

♪ Understand
the one that you love ♪

♪ Loves you in so many ways... ♪

By D06IHERE