Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 25 - Flashback - full transcript
Lois is two weeks late with her period, causing her and Hal to panic and start a big fight, while trying to keep it from the boys. And while Dewey is scared that his parents may split up, Hal and Lois remember the troubles of getting their previous four sons.
Come on!
You said I could play.
You have to go down there again.
No.
Come on, you're the
only one that'll fit.
No.
I always go get it
and you never let me play.
We'll let you play.
We promise.
Come on, throw it here.
You promised.
No way.
You promised.
The first 50 times he
got it, it was funny.
Then it was just sad.
It's not fair!
It's my turn!
Now it's funny again.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Dad, Francis has to go
back to school tomorrow.
Can't we at least
watch what he wants?
This is educational.
It's a celebration
of the human spirit.
It shows we can always find
a way to persevere
no matter how many
times we're defeated.
No, don't put on
the rocket skates.
Hal, can I see you
in the bedroom?
Yeah, yeah, just a second,
honey, the coyote...
Hal.
All right, who did what now?
You did. I'm two weeks late.
What?
No. Yes.
Wait... no. No, you can't be.
You can't be.
We've been very careful.
How can you let this happen?
How could I let this happen?!
You're kidding, right?
I'm just saying,
you're the woman.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know that I can't be
trusted with these things.
I mean, you're the gatekeeper!
That is the stupidest
thing you have ever said!
Not even close!
How long does it take to
get me a soda, Dewey?
Mom and Dad are fighting.
Really?
Well, don't worry, chief.
Everything will be fine.
Trust me.
You know what will
take your mind off it?
Making me a sandwich.
I'm sorry. It's just
that this is upsetting.
Well, it's
upsetting for me, too.
You cannot be pregnant.
We're not ready for this.
When have we ever been
ready for this, Hal?
Okay, go ahead.
The blessed state of matrimony
is a sacred place...
Oh, God!
Maybe we should get
you to the hospital.
No! I will not have our
baby born out of wedlock!
I don't understand
why all of a sudden
you're so hung up on this.
Up until last week
a marriage certificate was
just a piece of paper.
I changed my mind!
And it made me the
happiest man in the world.
Welcome home, Francis.
Yeah.
This place is beautiful.
Oh, thanks.
I can't take any credit for it.
The decorator did everything.
Let's see...
Oh, look, just keep the change.
One second.
One second.
I forgot something.
I am so rattled.
There...
Have a cigar. It's Cuban.
Thanks. You're welcome.
Wow!
Hey, Mommy.
Hal, we have a baby.
Yes, we do.
The baby.
Fragile...
helpless...
little baby.
He's beautiful.
Oh, we're so lucky,
aren't we, Hal?
Huh? Yeah. Lucky.
You think we're going
to be good parents?
You kidding? The best.
Do you think it's going to
change our relationship?
Our what?
No. No.
'Cause we get along so well now,
and everybody says a baby
really changes things.
Oh, I better feed him.
Why?
Frankly, I think he's
getting kind of fat.
Hal, the nurse said I should
feed him every four hours.
Yeah, well, did you get
a look at the nurse?
Hal, where is the baby?
I don't know how to
say this exactly,
but I think the baby's...
...in the closet!
Whoo!
Here he is.
Perfectly safe.
You put the baby in the closet?
You left the milk
out on the counter.
Come here, Francis.
I'm never going to let you
out of my sight again.
Hey, Mom, is it okay
if I have the...?
Go away!
All I'm saying is
that you were the one
who wore those jeans with
that rip above the knee.
Hal, if I got rid of everything
that made you hot and bothered,
I'd be running around
with a handkerchief
and a baseball cap. Stop it.
What do you want from me?!
I'm only human.
Oh, please. The minute
you cross that threshold
into the bedroom, you
become more beast than man.
Fine, everything
is my fault!
Oh, great. Here
come the waterworks.
Stupid bug.
What's wrong with Mom and Dad?
Aw, just wait.
In an hour they'll
be all lovey-dovey.
It's disgusting.
Stupid bug.
Ow!
You stupid...
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
God, Reese, give it a rest.
Okay, Francis is
down for his nap.
I emptied the dishwasher,
put another load in the laundry.
Didn't have time to
scrape the pudding
out of your hair dryer.
Maybe tomorrow.
Bye.
When will you be home?
I don't know-- 5:00, 6:00...
9:00...
Did you say 9:00?
Honey, I canceled
another appointment
to come home for lunch.
I have to get caught up.
Hal, this is ridiculous.
You're working 14-hour days.
This baby's trying to beat
me to death from the inside
and Francis is out of control.
Something has got to change.
Okay, I'll talk to my boss.
Yeah, you said that before.
Well, yes, and then
the Collins account
was dumped into my lap.
It wasn't a good time.
Now is better.
Okay?
Love you.
Marty, I have been
the leader in sales
for this company for
five years running.
No one has ever
done that before.
And all I'm asking
is to cut back on my hours
just a little tiny bit
so I can help out at home.
You have kids. You
know how it is.
Absolutely, Hal.
Don't worry, we'll find a
way to make this work.
Hey, Hal.
Hey, Phil.
Hal... and Supplies.
What?
I trained that guy.
I gave him half the
names in his Rolodex.
And you know what he
said to me this morning?
"We need more toner."
And he didn't even need toner!
Ow!
Another contraction?
No! He's kicking me in
between contractions.
What the hell is with this kid?
Well, are we
having fun yet?
Okay, let's take a
look in the oven.
Ow!
God!
How far along am I?
'Cause I swear to God,
he's biting my kidney.
You're only two
centimeters dilated.
I think you've got four
or five hours at least.
No.
Honey, the doctor... No!
He is coming out now!
I have had it with this!
You are coming out
right now, mister!
Ah, ah, ah, what are you doing?
It's not time to push.
You're just going to
prolong your labor.
Oh, great. Make it a challenge.
Lady, you're just going
to tire yourself out,
and when it comes
time to really push,
you're going to be exhausted.
Look, all I'm saying is, she can
try to force this all she wants.
It's just not going to...
Oh, my God! Nurse!
Okay, honey, you're doing
great, you're doing great.
Just remember to breathe.
Hal... God, do you think
we're really ready
for a second baby?
We're going to have
twice as many kids
and half the money.
What's it going to do to us?
We-We'll, we'll find a way.
You know, we love each other.
We-We'll adjust.
We'll make it work.
I mean, they're just kids.
Here he comes.
Ow!
My God, he kicked
me in the nose.
We'll be fine.
What took you so long?
I couldn't very well
go to the Lucky Aide
where you work, now, could I?
Oh, what, so you drove
clear across town?
Yes, you want to go
over the route I took
so you can criticize that, too?
Damn. Who's in there?
I'm busy.
Backyard.
Are you out of your mind?
Let's go-- I'll let you
choose the most direct route.
Are Mom and Dad
getting a divorce?
What are you talking about?
They're really mad
at each other.
Don't worry about it.
Everything will be fine.
How do you know?
Look, it used to scare me, too
but they just have a way
of working things out.
How?
I don't know, they just do.
But how?
How do I say this so
you'll understand?
Shut up.
Ha, ha!
Does Reese want the bear?
Reese wants the bear,
Reese wants the bear.
This place is so much
smaller than the apartment.
So you keep reminding me.
What choice do we have, Lois?
Yes, it is smaller.
And cheaper.
That apartment was no
place to raise children.
There was nothing
there but museums
and nightclubs and
trendy restaurants...
Well, at least we'll have
a yard to putter around in, huh?
I can't wait to get my
hands on this lawn!
Ow!
Oh, okay, okay, boys,
enough playing.
It's time for Reese's lessons.
What'll it be today, son, huh?
Russian literature?
Or should we brush up on the
circulatory system, hmm?
Circulatory system it is.
Yeah, great.
Just ignore the eight
months pregnant woman
carrying the boxes.
♪ Art! Mona Lisa
was by da Vinci ♪
♪ Science! The radio
was built by Marconi ♪
♪ Math! ♪
♪ Nine is the product
of three times three ♪
♪ Natural History! Darwin said
we all come from monkeys ♪
♪ But not ♪
♪ Literally. ♪
Hal, will you stop it!
Lois, we have got to do this
35 minutes, three times a day.
All Reese does is sit there.
He's a thinker, Lois.
He's an intensely focused,
peerless thinker.
He's absorbing information.
Studies show that
developing young minds
absorb information at
a phenomenal rate.
Hal, he's two years old.
He calls you "phone."
I don't know who you think this
is helping, but it's not Reese.
Oh, my God, he just hit
my trigeminal nerve!
We've been working on the
nervous system all morning.
Oh, Hal, will you
come down to reality
long enough to help me unpack?
Lois, did it ever
cross your mind that
it might be nice
to support what I am doing here?
You know, that's
a good question.
What are you doing here?
Because I'll tell you
what you're not doing,
and that's helping!
You know, I think...
...that I should go for a drive
before I say something
I'll regret.
Phone go bye-bye!
Oh, honey...
Oh, sweetheart, it's okay.
Mommy and Daddy are just
having a tough time.
For
the last few months.
But
don't worry... Ow!
Oh, oh...
Oh, oh, no.
Oh, no, not now.
Hal!
Okay, we're going
on a little drive,
and Daddy will figure out
where we are eventually,
and we'll all be together
at the hospital.
I don't need to go
to the hospital.
No, honey, it's for me.
You're lying. You want
to give me a shot.
No, honey, that was last time,
and I already apologized.
Now get in the car!
♪ Mommy's a liar ♪
♪ Mommy's a liar. ♪
Francis, unlock the door.
Ha, ha!
Unlock the door right now.
You're a liar!
You stay out!
Francis, please.
Mommy has to go to the hospital.
Say you're sorry!
Open the door!
Say you're poopy!
I will not say I'm poopy!
Open that door!
I'm having a baby!
Congratulations!
What's going on?
Your wife just gave birth
on your front lawn.
Congratulations, I guess.
Oh, my Lord!
Want the rest of my Slurpee?
Leave me alone, Hal.
Need any help?
Leave me alone, Hal.
Take this.
Couldn't spring for
the one-minute test.
This one takes five.
Four more minutes we get
to spend together, dear.
Don't take that tone with me.
I'm sorry, this is the
only tone I have.
It's my "I'm panicking
about our future" tone.
How can we afford this?
Have you even
thought about that?
No, I've just been enjoying
peeing in the yard so much,
I haven't thought
about anything!
Another snappy comeback!
That's very helpful!
I'm not being helpful?!
Let me give it to
you straight, Hal!
Why don't you take that stick
and shove it up your...
Reese, Reese, please
just sit here
for five minutes, please,
I'm begging you.
Play with this.
Malcolm, would you please
pick up your stuff?
And what is a four-year-old
playing with a
microscope for, anyway?
I see you still haven't
moved the microwave.
As I have pointed out
to you several times,
this is the only socket in
the kitchen that works.
Perhaps we could afford
the extravagance of
an extension cord!
We have extension cords,
but they're all being
used right now
to power the space
heater in the bedroom
because somebody gets chills.
Well, perhaps you'd
like to share your bed
with someone who
doesn't get chills.
Hi, Lois.
What did he do this time?
He took a joyride in
a street cleaner.
Get in here. Francis.
Here's the summons.
Your juvenile court
date's on the 12th,
and, well, you know the drill.
Thank you, Officer.
They caught you
on a street cleaner?
What were you thinking?
That it went faster.
Go to your room.
Are you happy now?
Me? How is this my fault?
You are always regaling him
with tales of your wild youth.
Those are cautionary tales.
Cautionary tales do not end with
"It was so cool." Mom,
I think I broke
my chemistry set.
In a second, Malcolm.
All right, do me a favor, Lois.
Make me a list of pre-approved
childhood memories
so I know what I can
and what I can't
share with the boys.
Oh, for God's sake, hold still.
Hal, that's not going to work.
Just drive him to
the emergency room.
We do not need to go to
the emergency room. Ah.
Mom! Hal, you're forcing it
further in his mouth, and
he's going to choke to death!
For once will you stop
telling me how wrong I am?
And will you stop
telling me what to do?
What the...
I tried to make invisible ink,
but I think I made chlorine gas.
Come on, everybody out!
Out, out, out, out,
now, come on, out!
Go!
Okay, we all here?
Okay, good. We're fine.
We'll just let the
house air out, and...
Rain, yay! Yay!
Okay, let's hear it!
This has got to be
my fault somehow.
So go ahead.
Say it, come on!
I'm the cause of all that
is bad in the universe!
Everything that I
touch turns to crap!
And now I bring you rain!
Oh, you'll feel better
once you get it out
in the open, Lois!
Come on!
I'm having the baby.
Oh, well, that's good
because the car keys
are inside the house.
So, I can either suffocate
by going back in
there to get them
or you can have another
baby out here on the lawn!
Try the azaleas!
Maybe they'll finally bloom!
We can't do this!
We are not having a
baby with us like this.
We have to figure out
a way to fix this.
Well, I guess I can get
a night job, and...
No, we have to figure
out a way to fix us.
And I don't mean just now
because we're always going
to have hard times.
We have to figure out a
way to get through this
without us killing each other.
Well, I'm open to suggestions.
Okay, here's what
we're going to do.
You're going to tell me
three-- no, five-- no, seven!
I want you to tell me seven
things you love about me.
Seven reasons why this
is all worthwhile.
Seven reasons why
we're still here.
Seven?
Seven. And I have to
believe every one of them
and you have to say
them all right now.
Seven?
Oh, just please.
Just do it. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, uh...
I, I-I-I love,
I love how your neck
smells in the morning.
Okay.
That's one.
I love how every
one of your toes
looks like it came from
another person's foot.
Oh, God.
And-And-And I love how you're
honest and-and fearless
and, and how when I'm sick
you treat me like a baby.
Okay, that last one
counts for two.
You got three more to go.
Okay.
I can tell you that
I just adore this.
The way your forehead
gets all crinkly
when you're worried.
And I love the way you cut
your crust off your toast
even though you end up
eating both anyway.
I love your loyalty
and your kindness
and that you still
suck in your gut
whenever I walk into the room.
I love how you didn't dump me
when you found out that
I was in love with you.
I love that you still married me
even after you met my parents.
And I love that
nothing in my life--
not cribbage with my dad,
not a... a new Van Halen album--
not even an old Van Halen
album, for that matter,
or any of their solo albums...
Hal, Hal.
I love that nothing in
my life is complete
until I've shared it with you.
I love how you send the
boys to their room
just so we can have
some alone time.
I just love you.
♪ ♪
That's my sandwich.
You know, I wouldn't give
up a single one of them.
They're our boys.
No one else can say that.
They're our boys.
Negative.
All that worry for nothing.
A girl would have
been nice, though.
Are you kidding?
We've got you outnumbered
five to one now
and we're still losing.
Boys, go to your room!
You said I could play.
You have to go down there again.
No.
Come on, you're the
only one that'll fit.
No.
I always go get it
and you never let me play.
We'll let you play.
We promise.
Come on, throw it here.
You promised.
No way.
You promised.
The first 50 times he
got it, it was funny.
Then it was just sad.
It's not fair!
It's my turn!
Now it's funny again.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Dad, Francis has to go
back to school tomorrow.
Can't we at least
watch what he wants?
This is educational.
It's a celebration
of the human spirit.
It shows we can always find
a way to persevere
no matter how many
times we're defeated.
No, don't put on
the rocket skates.
Hal, can I see you
in the bedroom?
Yeah, yeah, just a second,
honey, the coyote...
Hal.
All right, who did what now?
You did. I'm two weeks late.
What?
No. Yes.
Wait... no. No, you can't be.
You can't be.
We've been very careful.
How can you let this happen?
How could I let this happen?!
You're kidding, right?
I'm just saying,
you're the woman.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know that I can't be
trusted with these things.
I mean, you're the gatekeeper!
That is the stupidest
thing you have ever said!
Not even close!
How long does it take to
get me a soda, Dewey?
Mom and Dad are fighting.
Really?
Well, don't worry, chief.
Everything will be fine.
Trust me.
You know what will
take your mind off it?
Making me a sandwich.
I'm sorry. It's just
that this is upsetting.
Well, it's
upsetting for me, too.
You cannot be pregnant.
We're not ready for this.
When have we ever been
ready for this, Hal?
Okay, go ahead.
The blessed state of matrimony
is a sacred place...
Oh, God!
Maybe we should get
you to the hospital.
No! I will not have our
baby born out of wedlock!
I don't understand
why all of a sudden
you're so hung up on this.
Up until last week
a marriage certificate was
just a piece of paper.
I changed my mind!
And it made me the
happiest man in the world.
Welcome home, Francis.
Yeah.
This place is beautiful.
Oh, thanks.
I can't take any credit for it.
The decorator did everything.
Let's see...
Oh, look, just keep the change.
One second.
One second.
I forgot something.
I am so rattled.
There...
Have a cigar. It's Cuban.
Thanks. You're welcome.
Wow!
Hey, Mommy.
Hal, we have a baby.
Yes, we do.
The baby.
Fragile...
helpless...
little baby.
He's beautiful.
Oh, we're so lucky,
aren't we, Hal?
Huh? Yeah. Lucky.
You think we're going
to be good parents?
You kidding? The best.
Do you think it's going to
change our relationship?
Our what?
No. No.
'Cause we get along so well now,
and everybody says a baby
really changes things.
Oh, I better feed him.
Why?
Frankly, I think he's
getting kind of fat.
Hal, the nurse said I should
feed him every four hours.
Yeah, well, did you get
a look at the nurse?
Hal, where is the baby?
I don't know how to
say this exactly,
but I think the baby's...
...in the closet!
Whoo!
Here he is.
Perfectly safe.
You put the baby in the closet?
You left the milk
out on the counter.
Come here, Francis.
I'm never going to let you
out of my sight again.
Hey, Mom, is it okay
if I have the...?
Go away!
All I'm saying is
that you were the one
who wore those jeans with
that rip above the knee.
Hal, if I got rid of everything
that made you hot and bothered,
I'd be running around
with a handkerchief
and a baseball cap. Stop it.
What do you want from me?!
I'm only human.
Oh, please. The minute
you cross that threshold
into the bedroom, you
become more beast than man.
Fine, everything
is my fault!
Oh, great. Here
come the waterworks.
Stupid bug.
What's wrong with Mom and Dad?
Aw, just wait.
In an hour they'll
be all lovey-dovey.
It's disgusting.
Stupid bug.
Ow!
You stupid...
Ow! Ow!
Ow! Ow!
God, Reese, give it a rest.
Okay, Francis is
down for his nap.
I emptied the dishwasher,
put another load in the laundry.
Didn't have time to
scrape the pudding
out of your hair dryer.
Maybe tomorrow.
Bye.
When will you be home?
I don't know-- 5:00, 6:00...
9:00...
Did you say 9:00?
Honey, I canceled
another appointment
to come home for lunch.
I have to get caught up.
Hal, this is ridiculous.
You're working 14-hour days.
This baby's trying to beat
me to death from the inside
and Francis is out of control.
Something has got to change.
Okay, I'll talk to my boss.
Yeah, you said that before.
Well, yes, and then
the Collins account
was dumped into my lap.
It wasn't a good time.
Now is better.
Okay?
Love you.
Marty, I have been
the leader in sales
for this company for
five years running.
No one has ever
done that before.
And all I'm asking
is to cut back on my hours
just a little tiny bit
so I can help out at home.
You have kids. You
know how it is.
Absolutely, Hal.
Don't worry, we'll find a
way to make this work.
Hey, Hal.
Hey, Phil.
Hal... and Supplies.
What?
I trained that guy.
I gave him half the
names in his Rolodex.
And you know what he
said to me this morning?
"We need more toner."
And he didn't even need toner!
Ow!
Another contraction?
No! He's kicking me in
between contractions.
What the hell is with this kid?
Well, are we
having fun yet?
Okay, let's take a
look in the oven.
Ow!
God!
How far along am I?
'Cause I swear to God,
he's biting my kidney.
You're only two
centimeters dilated.
I think you've got four
or five hours at least.
No.
Honey, the doctor... No!
He is coming out now!
I have had it with this!
You are coming out
right now, mister!
Ah, ah, ah, what are you doing?
It's not time to push.
You're just going to
prolong your labor.
Oh, great. Make it a challenge.
Lady, you're just going
to tire yourself out,
and when it comes
time to really push,
you're going to be exhausted.
Look, all I'm saying is, she can
try to force this all she wants.
It's just not going to...
Oh, my God! Nurse!
Okay, honey, you're doing
great, you're doing great.
Just remember to breathe.
Hal... God, do you think
we're really ready
for a second baby?
We're going to have
twice as many kids
and half the money.
What's it going to do to us?
We-We'll, we'll find a way.
You know, we love each other.
We-We'll adjust.
We'll make it work.
I mean, they're just kids.
Here he comes.
Ow!
My God, he kicked
me in the nose.
We'll be fine.
What took you so long?
I couldn't very well
go to the Lucky Aide
where you work, now, could I?
Oh, what, so you drove
clear across town?
Yes, you want to go
over the route I took
so you can criticize that, too?
Damn. Who's in there?
I'm busy.
Backyard.
Are you out of your mind?
Let's go-- I'll let you
choose the most direct route.
Are Mom and Dad
getting a divorce?
What are you talking about?
They're really mad
at each other.
Don't worry about it.
Everything will be fine.
How do you know?
Look, it used to scare me, too
but they just have a way
of working things out.
How?
I don't know, they just do.
But how?
How do I say this so
you'll understand?
Shut up.
Ha, ha!
Does Reese want the bear?
Reese wants the bear,
Reese wants the bear.
This place is so much
smaller than the apartment.
So you keep reminding me.
What choice do we have, Lois?
Yes, it is smaller.
And cheaper.
That apartment was no
place to raise children.
There was nothing
there but museums
and nightclubs and
trendy restaurants...
Well, at least we'll have
a yard to putter around in, huh?
I can't wait to get my
hands on this lawn!
Ow!
Oh, okay, okay, boys,
enough playing.
It's time for Reese's lessons.
What'll it be today, son, huh?
Russian literature?
Or should we brush up on the
circulatory system, hmm?
Circulatory system it is.
Yeah, great.
Just ignore the eight
months pregnant woman
carrying the boxes.
♪ Art! Mona Lisa
was by da Vinci ♪
♪ Science! The radio
was built by Marconi ♪
♪ Math! ♪
♪ Nine is the product
of three times three ♪
♪ Natural History! Darwin said
we all come from monkeys ♪
♪ But not ♪
♪ Literally. ♪
Hal, will you stop it!
Lois, we have got to do this
35 minutes, three times a day.
All Reese does is sit there.
He's a thinker, Lois.
He's an intensely focused,
peerless thinker.
He's absorbing information.
Studies show that
developing young minds
absorb information at
a phenomenal rate.
Hal, he's two years old.
He calls you "phone."
I don't know who you think this
is helping, but it's not Reese.
Oh, my God, he just hit
my trigeminal nerve!
We've been working on the
nervous system all morning.
Oh, Hal, will you
come down to reality
long enough to help me unpack?
Lois, did it ever
cross your mind that
it might be nice
to support what I am doing here?
You know, that's
a good question.
What are you doing here?
Because I'll tell you
what you're not doing,
and that's helping!
You know, I think...
...that I should go for a drive
before I say something
I'll regret.
Phone go bye-bye!
Oh, honey...
Oh, sweetheart, it's okay.
Mommy and Daddy are just
having a tough time.
For
the last few months.
But
don't worry... Ow!
Oh, oh...
Oh, oh, no.
Oh, no, not now.
Hal!
Okay, we're going
on a little drive,
and Daddy will figure out
where we are eventually,
and we'll all be together
at the hospital.
I don't need to go
to the hospital.
No, honey, it's for me.
You're lying. You want
to give me a shot.
No, honey, that was last time,
and I already apologized.
Now get in the car!
♪ Mommy's a liar ♪
♪ Mommy's a liar. ♪
Francis, unlock the door.
Ha, ha!
Unlock the door right now.
You're a liar!
You stay out!
Francis, please.
Mommy has to go to the hospital.
Say you're sorry!
Open the door!
Say you're poopy!
I will not say I'm poopy!
Open that door!
I'm having a baby!
Congratulations!
What's going on?
Your wife just gave birth
on your front lawn.
Congratulations, I guess.
Oh, my Lord!
Want the rest of my Slurpee?
Leave me alone, Hal.
Need any help?
Leave me alone, Hal.
Take this.
Couldn't spring for
the one-minute test.
This one takes five.
Four more minutes we get
to spend together, dear.
Don't take that tone with me.
I'm sorry, this is the
only tone I have.
It's my "I'm panicking
about our future" tone.
How can we afford this?
Have you even
thought about that?
No, I've just been enjoying
peeing in the yard so much,
I haven't thought
about anything!
Another snappy comeback!
That's very helpful!
I'm not being helpful?!
Let me give it to
you straight, Hal!
Why don't you take that stick
and shove it up your...
Reese, Reese, please
just sit here
for five minutes, please,
I'm begging you.
Play with this.
Malcolm, would you please
pick up your stuff?
And what is a four-year-old
playing with a
microscope for, anyway?
I see you still haven't
moved the microwave.
As I have pointed out
to you several times,
this is the only socket in
the kitchen that works.
Perhaps we could afford
the extravagance of
an extension cord!
We have extension cords,
but they're all being
used right now
to power the space
heater in the bedroom
because somebody gets chills.
Well, perhaps you'd
like to share your bed
with someone who
doesn't get chills.
Hi, Lois.
What did he do this time?
He took a joyride in
a street cleaner.
Get in here. Francis.
Here's the summons.
Your juvenile court
date's on the 12th,
and, well, you know the drill.
Thank you, Officer.
They caught you
on a street cleaner?
What were you thinking?
That it went faster.
Go to your room.
Are you happy now?
Me? How is this my fault?
You are always regaling him
with tales of your wild youth.
Those are cautionary tales.
Cautionary tales do not end with
"It was so cool." Mom,
I think I broke
my chemistry set.
In a second, Malcolm.
All right, do me a favor, Lois.
Make me a list of pre-approved
childhood memories
so I know what I can
and what I can't
share with the boys.
Oh, for God's sake, hold still.
Hal, that's not going to work.
Just drive him to
the emergency room.
We do not need to go to
the emergency room. Ah.
Mom! Hal, you're forcing it
further in his mouth, and
he's going to choke to death!
For once will you stop
telling me how wrong I am?
And will you stop
telling me what to do?
What the...
I tried to make invisible ink,
but I think I made chlorine gas.
Come on, everybody out!
Out, out, out, out,
now, come on, out!
Go!
Okay, we all here?
Okay, good. We're fine.
We'll just let the
house air out, and...
Rain, yay! Yay!
Okay, let's hear it!
This has got to be
my fault somehow.
So go ahead.
Say it, come on!
I'm the cause of all that
is bad in the universe!
Everything that I
touch turns to crap!
And now I bring you rain!
Oh, you'll feel better
once you get it out
in the open, Lois!
Come on!
I'm having the baby.
Oh, well, that's good
because the car keys
are inside the house.
So, I can either suffocate
by going back in
there to get them
or you can have another
baby out here on the lawn!
Try the azaleas!
Maybe they'll finally bloom!
We can't do this!
We are not having a
baby with us like this.
We have to figure out
a way to fix this.
Well, I guess I can get
a night job, and...
No, we have to figure
out a way to fix us.
And I don't mean just now
because we're always going
to have hard times.
We have to figure out a
way to get through this
without us killing each other.
Well, I'm open to suggestions.
Okay, here's what
we're going to do.
You're going to tell me
three-- no, five-- no, seven!
I want you to tell me seven
things you love about me.
Seven reasons why this
is all worthwhile.
Seven reasons why
we're still here.
Seven?
Seven. And I have to
believe every one of them
and you have to say
them all right now.
Seven?
Oh, just please.
Just do it. Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay, uh...
I, I-I-I love,
I love how your neck
smells in the morning.
Okay.
That's one.
I love how every
one of your toes
looks like it came from
another person's foot.
Oh, God.
And-And-And I love how you're
honest and-and fearless
and, and how when I'm sick
you treat me like a baby.
Okay, that last one
counts for two.
You got three more to go.
Okay.
I can tell you that
I just adore this.
The way your forehead
gets all crinkly
when you're worried.
And I love the way you cut
your crust off your toast
even though you end up
eating both anyway.
I love your loyalty
and your kindness
and that you still
suck in your gut
whenever I walk into the room.
I love how you didn't dump me
when you found out that
I was in love with you.
I love that you still married me
even after you met my parents.
And I love that
nothing in my life--
not cribbage with my dad,
not a... a new Van Halen album--
not even an old Van Halen
album, for that matter,
or any of their solo albums...
Hal, Hal.
I love that nothing in
my life is complete
until I've shared it with you.
I love how you send the
boys to their room
just so we can have
some alone time.
I just love you.
♪ ♪
That's my sandwich.
You know, I wouldn't give
up a single one of them.
They're our boys.
No one else can say that.
They're our boys.
Negative.
All that worry for nothing.
A girl would have
been nice, though.
Are you kidding?
We've got you outnumbered
five to one now
and we're still losing.
Boys, go to your room!