Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 24 - Evacuation - full transcript

Got the bricks?

Whoa! Whee!

Hang on, Dewey!

Eight more seconds
for the record!

Whoa-ho! Yeah!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪



♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

There we go.

Oh, Hal,

it's beautiful!

You boys are not to sit
on it, stand on it,

jump on it, or go anywhere
near it for the next year.

Where's this coming from?

Hey, Dewey,

want to go with me to take



the old couch to the dump?

No, I want to watch cartoons.

What, are you kidding?

We're talking about
the city dump.

Mountains of smoldering garbage

as far as you can see.

Swarms of flies that
block out the sun.

Really?

Mmm.

Last time I was there,

I saw a 40-pound
seagull carry off

a dog in its beak.

Wow.

Wow.

Come on!

Hey, guys.

Sorry I'm late.

Stevie and I finished
our geometry unit.

We're two weeks ahead.

Congratulations,
you're grounded.

What?

You're an hour and a half late.

You promised you'd be back at
3:00 to help with the couch.

Your father and Reese
nearly killed themselves.

Yeah, but... No buts!

You're grounded.

Two weeks in your room, no
TV, no friends, no phone.

But I was doing homework.

I thought it'd be okay.

You're not allowed to
decide what's okay.

Not yet.

You looked me in the
eye and you promised.

You're grounded.

This is totally unfair!

Oh!

Okay, when did I sit in tar?

♪ When we
get to the garbage dump ♪

♪ This is what we'll see ♪

♪ Five broken toilets ♪

♪ Four fuzzy
cheese wheels ♪

♪ Three tons of maggots
♪ ♪ Two gigantic rats ♪

♪ And a stench that
will buckle your knees. ♪

Yahoo!

Uh, excuse me.

Can you tell us where we
should dump this couch?

Oh!

Oh, for the love of...

We didn't even get
to see it land.

Well, son,

I guess our work here is done.

You are so dead.

Francis, you know I couldn't
go out with Laura unless

I found somebody for her sister.

Now, you're here so just
try to enjoy your date.

She's 12.

Hey, you guys want tattoos?

So she's not the one.

You can still have a good time.

How could you do this to me?

Come on.

You've done way worse to me.

You totally deserve this.

Based on what?

Will you Jethros just shut up!?

Nobody cares how many bales
of hay you can lift!

So, now we know-- pigs
can swim, cows can't.

This is ridiculous.

When did the word "Fascist"
become such a hot button?

I have been nothing but
a good friend to you.

Look, Francis, I'm
not going to argue.

You'll do this or
I'll punch your face

through the back of your head.

See, every time I
trump you with logic,

you resort to violence.

I just want that on the record.

Mmm, ice cream.

What a wonderful, unexpected
treat for some of us.

Yes, Reese, you
get to eat ice cream

and I don't.

Thank you for subtly
illustrating that point.

I'll get it.

Mmm, sprinkles.

Aren't those your
favorite, Malcolm?

I'm rubbing my
butt on your pillowcase.

Oh, boy, Reese, what'd you do?!

Sir, we have to evacuate

the entire neighborhood.

I need you to leave
your house immediately.

What... evacuating? Why?

There's been a toxic
chemical spill

about a mile away--
a train derailed.

How'd that happen?

Some idiot left a couch
on the railroad tracks.

I wonder if that was...

Careful, son.

Don't want to drip.

- I
- repeat, if you're not in need

of immediate first aid,
find an available cot,

remain calm and wait for
further instructions.

Will you look at this?

I hope they find
whoever's responsible

and string him up by his thumbs.

Hey, uh, fella, don't you think

you're overreacting?

I mean, my family

is exposed to dangerous
chemicals all the time.

In-in fact, I-I remember

I accidentally set off a
flea bomb in the boys' room

when my son, Dewey, was
in there taking a nap.

I can smell colors.

Sir, I've got two
overturned tankers

out there spewing out

a cloud of sulfuric acid
and sodium hydroxide.

That can scar your
throat and lungs

in a matter of seconds.

But it's not necessarily fatal.

I-I mean, maybe you'd need
an artificial larynx,

but you'd still be alive.

That'd be so cool.

My name is Reese.

What are you looking at?

Son, please.

Has anyone died yet?

Not that I'm aware of.

Well, what if the wind shifts?

Is the water supply going
to be contaminated?

What about the food?

What about the
medical personnel?

How can be sure that all these
people are going to be safe?

I'm sorry, I really don't
know all of the answers.

I'm just a high school senior.

Are we going to order
at some point tonight?

Hang on, this is important.

This is the only
booth she hasn't

been felt up in.

Have another doughnut,
lonely girl.

So, you like school?

You're blocking my light!

Check it out.

Some idiot left the
storage closet unlocked.

I've got every Dixie
Cup in the place.

What are you doing with those?

Building a future, my friend.

I can't believe this place.

This cot smells like feet.

All right, we're just

going to have to make
the best of things.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm just going to look around.

You are not going anywhere.

You're still grounded.
What? Here?

That's right. Look around--
we're living in a gym!

That doesn't change
what you did.

Mom, we can all die.

If that happens,
you're off the hook.

Until then, I want those
buns on that cot.

Now.

Uh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Listen, I-I was
just wondering if

there was something that
I could do to help.

Not that there's any
real reason, of course.

I'm just... looking
to do my part.

I think we got it pretty
well covered, sir.

No, no, there must be something.

I don't care if it's, if
it's messy or trivial

or even life-threatening...

Sir, I'd appreciate it

if you'd just return
to your area.

Please, you have to find

some way for me to be useful.

I have got to ease these
people's suffering.

They have got to know
that I am here for them.

Is that pepper spray?

I also have a whistle

and I'm prepared to
use that as well.

You know, I'd be happy
to give you some

but you should ask
your parents first.

I can't.

They're dead.

What?

They were killed by the cloud.

Can I have some?

Oh, my God, you poor thing.

They were choking.

It was awful.

Can I have the one with nuts?

Oh, of course, dear.

Toxic chemical spill
has been reported in the area...

Where'd they go?

Don't worry, they'll be
back in a few hours.

They took the car?!

Hey, you're the one who
went to the bathroom.

You gave them the opening.

All right, that's it.

Come on, get your books.

We're getting out of here.

No, I want to eat.

No, we're going.

I'm not
leaving till I eat!

Would you keep it down, please?

You were a lot nicer when
we were on the Internet.

Look, you can't pull
this crap with me.

I have three little brothers.

I know every manipulation
in the book.

So get your butt in gear.

No, if I go home now,
Laura'll get busted.

We're supposed to
be at the mall.

What do you care?

Let me tell you
about your sister.

She doesn't like you at all.

She treats you like dirt.

Well... she does.

It's not your fault.

I mean, you don't deserve that.

No one deserves that.

She's the one with the problem.

Really, I'm sure you have
a lot of nice qualities

that people don't even...

Waitress! Can we get
some service over here?

Yes?

I want
the burger plate,

extra fries and a
chocolate malt.

...and then they
were trapped in the car

and they told me to
get help and I ran

and I ran,

then I fell down and
when I woke up,

the ambulance man
was holding me.

And your parents were...

Ooh, you poor little boy.

That looks like fun.

What is wrong with you?

Give that to him!

What can I say?

We're all trying to get
through as best we can.

Thank you.

And of course, in
these disasters,

it's always the children
who suffer the most.

No, no, no!

You're not talking to him.
He's grounded.

Looks like you
need a cup, friend.

Ah, that'd be great, thanks.

I wish it were that simple.

What are you talking about?
I'm thirsty.

Is that your truck out there
with the canned fruit?

Yeah, why?

Let's take a walk.

There!

That should take care
of that wobble, huh?

Listen, is it too drafty here?

Should we move you
away from the window?

No, no, we're fine.

Thanks for the help.

Well, that's what this
is all about, huh?

Helping each other out.

This is the kind of thing that
we should be focusing on.

Not a witch hunt,

pointing fingers...
blame, blame!

We are bigger than that,

aren't we, honey?

Who wants a bedtime story?

Can't you make him
go away, Daddy?

She is precious.

Okay.

Excuse me, did you find the boy
whose parents were killed?

Not yet.

Excuse me.

Did you say, "killed"?

Yes, they were killed
by the gas cloud.

Oh, my God.

The boy's mother saved him
with her very last breath.

And then the poor boy had
to strangle his own dog

just to stop its suffering.

And on his birthday!

Yes?

I want a piece of
apple pie a la mode,

some chocolate cake
and a banana split.

Sure thing. Why don't
you save me some money

and just yell at your sister

instead of burying your anger
in a mountain of French fries?

Are you calling me fat?

What? No, I'm not
calling you fat.

So now I'm a liar?

No, you're twisting
around everything I say.

Why do you do that?

You hurt my feelings.

Okay, would you just
keep it down, please?

I'm sorry.

Why do you touch
your hair so much?

I don't touch my hair that much.

Why is everyone so
fixated on my hair?

I'm sick of it.

Okay, okay, relax.

I... I just... I don't
want to talk about it.

It's just that people
make fun of me.

The guys at school
call me "Poodlehead."

That is so cruel.

I mean, I can see
it, but still...

I got to
tell you, Malcolm,

sometimes, I'm so
good, it's scary.

What are you doing
with toilet paper?

I got my hands on
some canned fruit.

I traded those for batteries,
the batteries for DVDs.

And I swapped those
with the janitor

for the school's entire
supply of toilet paper.

Once the specially "seasoned"

meat loaf works its magic,

I can name my price.

You know, that's not
only unbelievably evil

but you actually put some
thought and effort into it.

I'm impressed.

I don't know what it is.

I guess when people are
miserable and suffering,

it brings out the best in me.

Thanks for noticing.

Hi, guys.

Hey, Dabney, did you
bring your Palm Pilot?

Yeah. Good to know.

Hey, Malcolm, isn't this great?

I wouldn't know.

Come on, we get to
hang out in the gym...

without worrying about
dodgeballs, or getting pantsed.

It's a dream come true.

We actually get to
live in the school.

Check this out!

It's the key to the
girls' locker room.

We were actually standing

where girls take showers...
naked.

Or so I'm told.

Malcolm.

No visitors.

Malcolm's grounded.

You shouldn't be talking to him.

Everyone, this is my son.

He's being punished.

No one should talk to him.

Mom, for God's sakes,
they just came over

to say hi.

I took the key to the
girls' locker room.

Please, don't tell our mothers.

I'm so ashamed.

What?

You did that just
to humiliate me.

Is that what you think? Yes.

It was completely unjustified.

And I want you to know, I am
never going to forget this.

Well, good.

It'll be the first
time in ten years

the punishment's actually stuck.

People, please, the
money we raise

cannot bring back his parents
but we must do something.

We're his only family now.

Hasn't that poor, little
boy suffered enough

from the train wreck?

Which, by the way is a
surprisingly common occurrence

when looked at in a
nationwide context.

Please, we've got to
give till it hurts.

I'm just saying, it might
be hard to get my hands

on five blankets.

Look, I need them. My
family's freezing.

A lot of people are cold.

It's a real problem.
How about the watch?

The guy before me only had
to give you his socks.

It's a cold world. It's
getting colder by the minute.

You're an evil, little punk.

Uh-uh.

Socks, too.

And then Dave told me
they were just studying.

But they were totally
having a pizza party.

You're kidding?

They came to my room
and asked for napkins.

It's not like I could tell them
how hurt I was, 'cause you

constantly got to keep up this
front of being the tough guy.

They have no idea
who I really am.

If they knew I kept
a dream journal...

You do?

I think that's so cool.

Really?

I do, too.

I'll tell you one thing,
if those guys ever

got a hold of that, I'd
never hear the end of it.

So? You don't have to
care what they think.

I don't. Well, what
about your sister?

She's an idiot.

Hey, good for you.

Anyway, people around
here are freaks.

Some nights, I lock myself in
my room and spin my globe.

And wherever I point my finger,

I just pretend that's
where I really live.

I do that, too. Really?

And you'll feel the
cold worse than anyone.

Because, let's face it,

your circulation isn't
that good to begin with.

I already gave you money.

And you're satisfied. I see.

That little boy doesn't need
clothes or an education.

Let's just put him
to work in the mines

like they did when
you were a girl.

I'm on a fixed income.

So, what are you trying to do?

Take it to the grave with you?

Should we get you a
casket with saddlebags?

Give me my shoe.

It's right here.
Come and get it.

What's the matter?

Was somebody a bad boy?

Does the bad boy want

his shoe back?

Malcolm!

Get back on the cot.

This kid's got my shoe.

Get back on the cot.

I'll take care of this.

Is Mommy going to

take care of it for you?

Malcolm, get back on that cot.

No.

Excuse me?

I've had it. I quit.

What do you mean, you quit?

I quit this stupid system.

The only reason I'm being
punished like this

is because I agreed to
be punished like this.

And I'm not going to

agree anymore.

This isn't parenting.
This is just sadism.

Oh, you think I enjoy this?
Yes, I do.

And I am way too old for this.

We are going to
find some other way

of dealing with each other.

We are going to
change the rules.

What were you planning to do?

Take away my TV
when I'm married?

Give me a time-out when I'm 30?

What? Am I supposed
to be scared?

What are you going
to do, spank me?

Okay.

Mom, what are you doing?

Mom, cut it out.

I don't know what you
think you're doing.

How did she get so strong?

When I can't do this,
we'll change the rules.

Five hundred

and sixty-three dollars?

Come on, people.

What if he needs braces?
What if he has scoliosis?

Huh?

Okay, fine.

I'll just say, "Sorry,
little crooked boy.

"You can always get a
job in the circus...

"while the rest of us
drive our Porsches

and eat our T-bone steaks."

Dad, can we go home now?

My stomach hurts. Not now, son.

That your kid?

Yes, why?

This guy has been

collecting money
for his own kid.

What?

Dewey, did you tell
these people...?

What the hell you trying
to pull here, mister?

He's been yanking our chain!

No, no, no, no, no. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I swear, I didn't know
anything about this.

And if he lied to you,
well, I can assure you

that is not the kind of
behavior I allow in my family.

Ow, ow, ow...

Is this your son?

Reese?

He was running a black market.

He had two diabetics bidding
against each other for insulin.

That is a lie.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Now,
now, now, wait just a second.

I know how this must look.

But if you just
give me the chance

to get to the bottom of this,

I swear to you, I
will make this right.

Come over here.

You boys have both
behaved very badly.

So, you are both
going to apologize

to these nice, generous people

like you have never
apologized before.

Do you hear me?

Okay.

Dewey, come on.

Go ahead.

Nice and loud.

We're sorry we left the
couch on the tracks

and wrecked the train.

Reese, run, run.

Hey, stop him.

Well, this is it.

Maybe I'll call you sometime.

Whatever.

Hey, I, uh...

I actually had a good time.

Me, too.

You're, like, a really
good girlfriend.

Thanks.

Hey, sorry about tonight.

Yeah, well, your plan to palm me
off on a 12- year-old backfired,

'cause I actually had
a really good time.

Well, good for you, Poodlehead.

You know what?

I don't care about your
childish taunts anymore.

You can call me
anything you like.

I think I'll stick
with Poodlehead.

Fine.

I'm glad it doesn't bother you
when I call you "Poodlehead,"

Poodlehead.

I got to tell you, Poodlehead...

Shut up!

Do not set foot
outside this area.

Not one foot.

I would just like to
get one thing clear.

When we go home, you fellas
are still going to be

a presence in the
community, right?

If I wasn't in uniform, I'd
take a swing at you, myself.

Fair enough.

Are you telling me

that I can't discipline
my own child?

Lady, we got a lot of
angry people in there.

I think it's best you stay out
here with the other troublemakers.

They'd like us to
stay inside the box.

This is outrageous.

We're going to freeze
to death out here.

What did we do?

Maybe Malcolm can bring
us a couple blankets.

Come on.

Malcolm.

Can you get us some blankets?

Help us out here.

It's cold out here.

I'm sorry, I'm not
supposed to leave my cot.

Don't think you won't suffer
the consequences later, mister.