Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 9 - High School Play - full transcript

I'm home.

Hi, honey.

We're on our own tonight.

I thought maybe
we'd go out to dinner.

Where are the kids?

Malcolm's over at Stevie's.

Reese has got hockey practice.

Dewey's at Billy's...
or one of the neighbor kids.

So, we're on our own.

What are you in the mood for?

That has got to be
a new record.



♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

There you go.

People are always asking our
class to volunteer for stuff.



They just assume
we're social rejects

with nothing better to do.

It's true.

I just don't like having it
thrown in my face.

So, our school needs a kid
about your age

to be in our school play.

It'll be a lot of fun.

The play is by
a guy named William Shakespeare.

He was a writer way back
in the olden times.

He was a syphilitic drunk

fronting for
the 14th Earl of Oxford.

Why can't you leave
the Bard alone?

So he didn't have the benefit
of higher education.

How many PhDs
have written King Lear?

Now, now, now.

Try to remember
we have a guest.

Let's save our heated words
for Open Forum Friday.

Meghan, continue.

Whoever he was,
he had a pointy little beard

and he wrote
a really good play called

A Midsummer Night's Dream.

We need someone to play
the Changeling Boy.

Okay, before anyone
gets too excited,

there is a downside.

You'll probably
have to miss class.

I'll do it!
He can't.

We're working
on a secret project that...

I've said too much.

Okay, I thought
we agreed no more

secret projects.

Some of you still don't have
your eyebrows back

from your last secret project.

I can do both.

All right, just as long

as you know
where your priorities are.

I can go now.

Did you see her necklace? I used
to think she was so boring,

but now that she's
bi-curious, she's just

so much, I don't
know, cooler.

Oh, my God,
that is so true.

She's, like, totally
changed personalities

since she's
been wheat-free.

Oh, and have
you heard?

Mark is totally out
of that swing thing,

which is so over,
and into goth...

Oh, On the Road.

I read that.
It's a really
good book.

That's Travis.
He has angst.

Look at all these people.

They're pierced,
they're brooding.

They're wearing weird clothes.

They don't care about anything.

It's like a room full
of Francises.

Okay, people...

We're doing act three,
scene two.

Oberon! Puck!

Where's my Puck?

I think he has
a wrestling meet.

Hey, you.

Changeling Boy.

Can you read?
Yeah.

You got half
these kids beat.

Read Puck for the day.

Page 27.

"This is thy negligence.

"Still thou mistak'st

"Or commit'st
thy knaveries willfully.

"Believe me, king of shadows,
I mistook.

"Did not you tell me
I should know the man

"by the Athenian garments
he had on?

"And so far blameless
proves my enterprise.

"That I have 'nointed
an Athenian's eyes.

And so far..."

You went from a
part with no lines

to the lead in the
high school play?

Oh, that's great.

It's not a musical,
is it?

No.
That's great.

Dude, you play a fairy?

Not just any
fairy, Reese.

He's the biggest fairy
in the whole play.

I am so proud of you.

Rehearsals are
every night.

You have to get me there
by 5:00.

Every night?

Oh, yeah, we build sets
on the weekends.

Okay, we can do this.
If I go into work early,

I can get off in enough time
to drop you off at rehearsal

before I take Reese to hockey--

except the days
Reese has detention.

And then Dewey's
home alone.

I'll take care of it.

I can rearrange my schedule
for a couple weeks.

It'll be fun spending
some time together.

Can we run over things
in the car

like we did last time?
Da-da-shh...

It was already dead.

Hmm, this is your best
guacamole yet, Joe.

Thanks. The secret
is fresh lime juice.
Yeah.

Commandant on the floor.

No, no...

Please don't let me disturb you.

Make yourselves at home.

Wait a minute.

This is not your home.

This is not your
mama's house.

There's no maid here

to clean up your toys,

and, yet, as I look around
this institution of learning,

I see video games,
I see girlie magazines.

And I see Garth...

Garth Vader defiling our
Wall of Remembrance.

Well, clearly things
have gotten a little lax
around here.

I blame myself,
but it is you who will suffer.

From now on, there will be
weekly inspections.

And you will relinquish
all non-standard-issue

personal effects and artwork.

It is time for you to learn
that true happiness

comes from within.

Is that why you're
so happy, sir?

I'm as giddy
as a schoolgirl, Cadet.

Okay, spaghetti,

toilet cleaner,
glitter for Malcolm's costume...

I think that's it.

Oh, my God, is that right?

What time do you have?

Uh, 5:45.

5:45?

That's not possible. I...

dropped off Malcolm,
picked up Reese.

Dinner's in the oven.

Huh.

What is it?

I have the next 25 minutes free.

How did you
manage that?

Did you leave
a kid somewhere?

No, no, they're, they're
all accounted for.

What are you going to do?

I don't know.

Huh? Yeah, um...

I don't know.

So this goes here?

Yeah, and that
should do it.

Hey, these were in English.

This is nice.

Never looks like the box
when I do it alone.

Me either.

We make a good team.

All right.

You start on Main Street.

I'll do University Place

and we'll meet at the bistro,
say... noon-ish?

Would you like a massage?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm really not
a massage person.

It only takes 15 minutes.

Well...

I do have some time to kill.

I am not taking
off my shirt.

And I'm warning you,
I've never been hypnotized.

And I've never been relaxed.

Hmm.

That actually feels...

...feels...

pretty good.

"Pleading for a lover's fee

"Shall we their
fond pageant see?

"Lord, what fools
these mortals be!"

I am very upset
with you, Malcolm.

You've made me care again.

Malcolm, that was terrific.

God, I'd give anything
to be as good as you.

I mean, if you're
this good now,

imagine how amazing you're
going to be when you're 15.

And think of how cute
he's going to be
when he's 15.

Oh, my God.
Did I just giggle?

Did you just...

giggle?

Stevie, what are you
doing here?

You missed...

the meeting.

You're jeopardi...

zing...

our project.

Great. See you in class.

I wonder if I could just
go straight to high school?

I've been told skipping grades
stunts you socially,

but I think I've been lied to.

But, sir, that's a photo
of my sister.

To you she's your sister.

To the other cadets
she's a... distraction.

Now, if you need me to go
into more detail on that,

I will.

How long are those sideburns,
Cadet?

This is crazy.

Even prisoners
can have photographs.

Spangler's trying to take away
the things that remind us

we're still human.

Francis, don't
rock the boat.

I don't care anymore.

It's time to take
a last desperate stand

for individuality
and freedom!

- Malcolm! Reese!
- Get a move on!

Oh, good God, Hal,

when are you going
to clean this up?

Malcolm! Reese!
Let's go!

Honey, I promised Dewey
I'd spend time with him.

This must have cost a fortune.

Oh...
we'll talk about this later.

Some of us have
places to be!

So, Dewey, I'm thinking
our little community

can use a school.

Don't need it.

Everyone's born smart.

Oh, that's beautiful, son.

It's a utopia.

And anyone stupid
will be ground up for food.

Ah...

a cannibal utopia.

Interesting.

Oh, you're still here?

I was just doing
some shopping

and I thought
while I was here,

you know, I'd,
I'd stop over and say "hi."

Oh, my God.

How do you do that?

Release points.

This one
releases the mind.

This one
releases the heart.

And you know
what this one does.

Wow.

We need... to talk.

You've missed our
last five secret meetings,

and our test-run's
in less than 20 minutes.

Why do you hate us?

Guys, I don't hate you.

I've just been really busy.

We're still friends.

Really?

Of course.

So, you're not bailing
on the project?

No.
Then you have
the final figures?

Yeah, I worked on them
all night after rehearsal.

They're in my desk.

Here.

It was the other kids
who doubted you.

Hey, Malcolm...

You need a ride?

I got to go.

Come on, get in.

Hi, Malcolm.

Hey.

She's distracted.

We have to do it now.

The program is running.

Let's light this candle.

Ignition...

in...

five...

four...

three...

Yeah!

Blast off.

Its trajectory
seems rather peculiar.

Okay, there are any number
of reasons

why that might have gone wrong.

Where...
is it?

Take cover!

I work hard, too.

But I manage to make
it to the Lamaze class.

We had a vote. We want you
to get rid of the plant.

You're going
to get us all in trouble

with this little stunt of yours.

This isn't a stunt.

It's an act of defiance.

It's a plant.

Can't you see
this isn't about a plant?

It's about fighting tyranny,
fascism and oppression.

When Spangler sees this,
he'll know

that he didn't crush our spirit
and he never will.

It's not worth the risk.

Once again, it looks

like I'm the only man
around here.

I can't believe
Nicole's wearing
a dress like that.

You can totally
see her navel.

If she wants to be a slut,
that's fine,

but don't make me lose my lunch.
I know.

She's, like, totally trying
to impress David,

but the way he's all up
in Brenda's business,

she didn't have a chance.

I can't believe how deep
our conversations are getting.

You're never gonna believe

what I heard about Josh,
but you can't tell anyone.

I overheard his stepsister
while I was in the bathroom.

His half-sister
or stepsister?

No, his stepsister.

That's why he can
have a crush on her.

Ew.
Ew.

They were just talking
about me, weren't they?

No. We were talking
about Josh.

Oh, my God. His father,
like, totally went down

after catching him
in the hot tub

with his stepsister,
but you know what?

I don't even think
he knows the whole story.

Whoops, that's my cue.

I feel guilty having so much fun
at ditching the Krelboynes,

but I'm sure they're doing fine
without me.

You boys are just lucky
no one called the police.

You can't prove
there's any correlation

between our
rocket exploding

and Caroline giving birth
in the parking lot.

She and the baby are fine.

Thanks for asking.

And the... rocket?

Oh, God,
then it's true.

It's finished.

A perfect society.

We have done what
5,000 years of so-called
civilization couldn't do.

We've created a
world that works.

"We"?

You want to destroy
it, don't you?

Yeah.

Well, I appreciate
that you haven't.

You've shown a lot
of restraint.

Here.

Enjoy.

Oh, honey, uh, look, I know
we got a little carried away,

but this is it,
I promise.

That's okay. I'm going
grocery shopping.

Didn't you just go
grocery shopping?

Yeah, sure.
No problem.

Thank you.
Where's Mr. Li?

Excuse me?

The massage guy.
Where is he?

Oh. He's not working
here anymore.

What do you mean?

That's impossible.

He would never leave
without telling me.

Well, I could try to find out
where he moved to.

So he could leave me again?

Forget it! It's over!

I heard John
has a new piercing.

I'll give you
three guesses where,

and it's not the ear
or belly button.

Well, Julie would know.
She went camping with him

when her boyfriend
was out of town.

John takes all the girls camping
and he tries

to convince them
to go skinny-dipping with him,

but I think seeing John naked
would turn me off guys forever.

Oh, you know what
we should totally do?

We should totally have a pool
party at my house on Saturday.

Malcolm, want to come?
Yeah. Wait.

I have something
to do on Saturday.

Oh, yeah, the play.

Live, live, die.

Live, live,

live, live, die.

Hey, what happened
to the judicial system

presided over by a tribunal
of wise elders?

I had 'em lined up and shot.

Ah.

You know, son,

maybe you've been
spending too much...

Silence!

Seize him!

All right, son,
I think it's time

you goose-stepped off
to bed.

Dad! You're embarrassing me
in front of my men.

Hal! Why is this still here?!

Ow.

No fair! You did it
without me?

Spangler's coming.
Lose the plant.

Time has come.
We're drawing the line.

This is our Alamo.

Well, that's a bad example,

but you know what I mean.

Ten-hut!

This is more like it.

Everything shipshape.

The commanding officer enters

and is greeted
by straightened backs

and the crack of shoe leather.

Now I know it's been
a rough couple of days,

but you will agree,
we are the better for it.

We are a lean, mean

learning machine.

Now, I know that some of you
think that I'm a sadist,

but someday you will thank me.

Man, that's brutal.

Is there anything we can do
to cheer you up?

Do you have any more pictures
of your sister?

I give him curses,
yet he gives me love.

O that my prayers
could such affection move!

Hal, please, stop.

You're making it worse.

The more I love,
the more he hateth me.

His folly, Helena,
is no fault of mine.

You okay, sport?

You can play no part
for Pyramus

for Pyramus is a proper man
as one shall see

in a summer's day.

Therefore you must...

Why are we here?

Malcolm betrayed us.

If you love
something,
let it go.

Save your cat poster philosophy
for someone else.

We're taking...
the high road.

We will meet
and there we may...

But you were totally
scamming together?

No. We were
just smacking.

She claims she was just
"hanging out" with Andrew

at the party, but they
were really hooking up.

I can't believe
she would...

Enough. Hold,
or cut both strings.

Was that my cue?
Quick, lower me.

Oh, my God, that is so true.

Think of how cute
he's going to be...

You can totally see her navel.

If she wants to be a slut,
that's fine,

but don't make me lose
my lunch.

I'm totally not calling her
back until she apologizes.

By being her friend,
I enable her assy behavior.

This must be one of those times
where it feels like an eternity

but only a few seconds
have gone by.

How come Malcolm
hasn't said anything
for five minutes?

Line.

Normally, I would enjoy
the schadenfreude,

but this is just sad.

Psst.

How now, spirit?
Wither wander you?

How now, spirit?

Wither wander you?

Ew!

Who is that kid?

The King doth keep his revels
here tonight.

The King doth keep
his revels here tonight.

So, good night
unto you all.

Give me your hands
if we be friends

and Robin shall
restore amends.

It's over?

But you promised me
partial nudity.

Yeah, that
was a lie.

And the ice cream after?

That, too.

How now, spirit?

Wither wonder you?

The King doth keep his revels
here tonight.

I knew I knew it!

Take heed the Queen come not
within his sight

for Oberon is passing fell
and wrath

because that she, as her
attendant, hath a lovely boy

stolen from the Indian king;

She never had
so sweet a changeling.