Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 7 - Robbery - full transcript
The night-shift at Lucky Aide is held hostage by two robbers since Craig does not want to give up the combination for the stores safe. Francis tries to help a heartbroken friend at the academy while Hal and the boys fight nature at home.
All right, that's
enough for me.
You coming to bed?
Yeah, in a minute.
Whoa.
Bastardo.
Wow! You sure
got up early.
Yup. No rest
for the weary.
Wait a minute.
Did you even come to bed
last night?
No, dear.
I stayed up all night
watching Mexican soap operas.
Bye-bye.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Hi, Lois.
Oh! Hi, Craig.
Notice anything different
about me?
Nope.
Just got her in today.
"Craig Feldspar.
Assistant Manager."
Congratulations.
That's great.
And along
with the red badge,
as you know, comes an extra
two-percent discount,
which I'm more than willing
to share with you, Lois.
Oh, no, Craig,
that's your discount.
Really, it's no...
I wouldn't feel right
about jeopardizing
your position
by taking
advantage of that.
I just... I wouldn't
feel right about it.
But what good
is all that power
if I have no one
to share it with?
Theresa, would you mind
checking out aisle four?
Seemed to have noticed someone
knocked over the candy rack.
And could you put the
coffee-toffees on a lower shelf?
Okay.
Did you see that?
Did you see that resentment?
Isn't it wonderful?
Look at me, I'm shaking.
This is
my favorite part of the day.
The twilight time
between school ending
and when your parents come home.
The time
when kids rule the Earth.
Okay, what was this?
Uh... Superman.
Boys, come quick!
Something wonderful
has happened!
Huh?
Isn't she beautiful?
And to think someone
was just throwing her out.
She was under six
bags of garbage,
but, oh, I knew your
mother would love her.
When does she get home?
She's working till 10:00.
Great!
Gives us plenty of
time to get her ready.
Dad, it's junk.
Reese, with a little paint
and some new hardware,
one man's junk is another
man's anniversary present.
Come on, help me
get her inside.
Come in.
Look,
you probably think
I'm here to criticize you
for not doing my homework
yesterday,
but let's not think
about that.
Let's think about
tomorrow's assignment.
So, if you can get that to me
by 8:00, that'd be great.
Or 9:00.
Okay, what's wrong?
My Julie...
she left me!
What happened?
I don't know,
but it's really over.
She sent back all
of my love gifts.
Wow, that's cold.
Oh, come on,
this guy's adorable.
Press its belly.
That's okay.
Look, I've had a lot of
experience with heartache,
and I'll tell you one thing.
You've got to find a way
to get your mind off it.
Look! Here's my homework.
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
She was my light,
my life and my world!
She put out, huh?
Like crazy!
Can I help you?
Give me your money.
Oh, for crying
out loud, again?
Shut up and hand it over.
Okay, just relax, cowboy.
We have a way of doing
this so nobody gets hurt.
I give you every bit
of money in this drawer,
and you and your friend
just leave. Okay?
Okay.
See? Nobody gets hurt.
Nobody gets caught.
Everybody happy. Okay?
Lois, I think Cheryl A.
flipped me off
behind my back.
Craig, I am, uh, I'm
with some customers.
There you go. Bye now.
Did you enjoy your Lucky Aide
shopping experience, gentlemen?
Craig, uh, they're in a hurry.
This won't
take a second.
I am Craig, the
assistant manager.
I can assure you,
if there's one thing
we value here at Luck Aide,
it is customer satisfaction.
We're satisfied.
Well, you don't
sound like it.
Please, don't feel like you're
going to hurt my feelings,
because I'm learning here.
Now, I'm sure there's
something I could do
to make this a better
experience for you.
Yeah. How about you walk me
to every other register
in this place and give me
every cent you've got?
That's a gun!
Craig, calm down.
Everybody, calm down.
I've been through
this five times.
We just give them
the money
from all the other registers,
and they'll leave.
What about the safe?
Safe?
...ty.
Safe-ty of the customers.
I'll lock the doors.
You start rounding up
the customers.
What, are you nuts?
We got to get out of here.
Come on, man. I'm tired of doing
these dinky little holdups.
Have you ever
wanted to do
something more important
with your life?
What do you mean, like,
go back to school?
No, man! Like
breaking into a safe.
Do you want to work at
Orange Julius forever?
All right, everybody
over to sundries!
Easy.
Easy.
Easy.
Whoo! Your mother's going
to flip when she sees this.
Ha-ha!
Well, that's just crazy.
Why would someone fill this
with hundreds
of hanging black bow ties?
Those aren't
bow ties.
Those are bats.
Don't you worry, Lois.
Everything is going to be fine.
Just fine and dandy.
Yeah, keep waving
that thing around, buddy-boy.
You got
a big surprise coming.
Craig, that button has been
disconnected for over a year.
What?! Why?
Because you kept
hitting the damn thing.
In an emergency, yes.
That's what it's for.
Oh, like an emergency
when you saw a bee?
Or when you saw that big fly
that looked like a bee?
How about when you thought
you saw a ghost?
I'm not saying it was
or it wasn't,
but you can't tell me
what we saw was normal.
All right, you two!
Let's move it.
He likes waving that
around too much.
This is going to end
in body bags.
No, Craig, it isn't.
Lois... before we die,
I have to tell you something.
It's about how I feel...
Craig, no.
But, Lois...
Craig, no!
This will all
be over soon.
How much?
Boy.
Well, can you guarantee
that you'll get all of them?
What? That's per bat?!
Are you insane?!
God!
Well, boys, looks like
we're on our own.
What are you
talking about?
Isn't anyone coming?
I'm scared.
Aw... I know, son.
Now, just think
of them this way.
They're only
rats with wings.
And radar.
Just flying rats
with radar.
Say it with me.
Just...
Flying rats with radar.
Once again.
Flying rats with...
Okay, it's important that
everybody just say calm.
And don't make any sudden moves,
or they'll kill you.
And don't look
them in the eye,
or they'll kill you.
And don't beg them not to
kill you, or they'll kill you.
I need you to
stop talking.
You! Assistant manager!
Come here!
This is it.
I didn't feed my cat.
Isn't it funny the things
that go through your mind
before you die?
Craig, they just
want to talk to you.
Lois, before we're all killed
in a bloody mess,
I have to tell you...
Shh! Let's not think
those negative thoughts.
Let's just give them the money
and get them out of here.
Hey, is there any way
we can speed this along?
Yeah. Somebody can give us
the combination to the safe.
Fine. I can't,
but the assistant manager can.
Craig, give them
the combination to the safe.
No.
What?
You can't have it.
Yes, they can.
Craig, give them
the combination.
Let me talk to them.
What's the combo?!
Ca...
♪ ♪
See? Told you I'd
make it all better.
Better?
How could this possibly
cheer me up?
Watching a bunch
of naked, middle-aged women
degrade themselves in a place
that smells like urine
and cigarettes?
When you put it
that way,
you can make anything
sound terrible.
You know, sometimes
you just make it
so hard to be nice.
Hey, you want to see
the real show in back?
No.
Yes. Yes, he does.
Cost you $50.
Look, I only have $20,
so let's just...
Done.
Hey, watch out!
You idiots!
It was just Mom's bra.
What?
What is it?
Kill it!
Ow! Ah!
Is it gone?!
Is it gone?!
Dewey, it's gone.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
You feeling better?
Yeah, I think so. Thanks.
Good.
Now tell me
the damn combination!
No.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Listen, fellas.
I want to get this over
with as much as you do.
So why don't you give me
five minutes with him.
I guarantee you I will get
that combination for you.
Listen, Craig, I think
these guys really mean business.
Now, you know and I know
there is less than $700
in that safe.
Do you really think
the lives of seven employees
is worth less than $700?
Lois, this isn't just
about the money.
Sometimes a man has
to have his dignity.
So what if they kill me?
But before they kill you,
they're going to try
to get that combination
from you any way they can.
Can you picture yourself
with shattered eye sockets?
Because that's where
they're going to start.
They can break every one
of your fingers and toes.
They can even cut
a couple of them off.
Did... did you see the buck
knife in the big guy's boot?
Do you really want to antagonize
that big buck knife, Craig?
Do you really want to feel it
slicing into your flesh?
Craig, stay with me.
Stay...
Damn.
Pass the salt, please.
How long do we have
to stay in here?
Till all the bats are gone.
And with every window and door
wide open in this house,
it's only a matter of time.
Can't new ones just fly in?
So, Dewey, how
was school today?
Mikey Duffy
pushed me down.
Did you push him back?
No. He's bigger than me.
Uh-huh. Reese?
I'm on it.
This is crazy!
I can't eat!
Why? Is something bothering
you at school, son?
Oh. Right.
Anybody want my baked potato?
It's kind of burnt.
No, thanks.
Reese, we aren't
having baked potatoes.
All right! That's it!
Let's just move!
Mom will find us somehow.
No.
I'm tired of running.
I'm tired of screaming
like a girl every five minutes.
I will not be put out of my home
by a bunch of airborne rodents,
and neither will you!
I may have been the one that
brought them into this house,
but it is up to all of us
to show them the door.
Get ready, boys.
It's time to put out the bats.
Ha-ha!
Ow!
Oh, yeah!
I got your money here!
Okay, this isn't exactly
what we expected...
but, hey, now you can say
you've been to a cockfight.
Okay, Dewey,
there's one bat left,
and it's in your
mother's room.
Now, this one is
the tricky bat,
the one who has eluded
all the other traps.
What was it
you named him?
Tricky.
Right. Well, now we
have a very good trap,
but someone has to
lure Tricky into it,
and that someone is you.
Why me?
Because...
you have the shortest hair.
You see, if he lands
on your head,
he'll just bite once
and fly away,
but if he lands on
your brother's or my head,
he'll get caught in our hair
and bite us and bite us
until we are dead.
Do you understand that?
Yes.
Good.
Now...
I want you to
go in that room
and poke him with this stick
until that bat chases you.
Good luck.
I don't know about you, boys,
but I am awfully
darn proud of us.
All right,
somebody get the dustpan.
Lois, are you
all right?
No, I am not all right.
I'm sitting here at gunpoint,
and I wouldn't have to be
if you'd stop being stupid
and give them the combination.
I told you,
I can't do that.
Craig, please. I'm frightened.
I want to go home
and be with my family.
They never told me
the combination.
What did you just say?
They never told me
the combination.
They said they couldn't
trust me with it.
They gave the combination
to the guy who runs
the photo lab next door.
He comes in at night
and transfers the money.
Why didn't you just
say this earlier?
I don't know. I guess
I wasn't in a big rush
to let everybody know
what a pathetic idiot I am.
Oh, Craig, I'm so sorry.
Lois, I love you.
What?
Lois, I love you
with all my heart.
You're my reason to
get up in the morning.
You are my everything.
Craig...
Lois, I don't want
to feel this way.
I know you're married, I know
you have four beautiful boys.
It's my heart.
I wish I didn't
have a heart...
but I do, and I can't
help loving you.
I can't help loving you with
my stupid, stupid heart.
Oh, Craig...
why'd you have to say that?
Dear sweet Craig.
I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry
for the way you feel.
I'm sorry for any indication
I ever gave you
that I consider you
anything more than a friend.
And I am so sorry
for what I have to do now...
because now I have to crush
whatever it is in you
that made you do
what you just did.
I am going to have
to hurt you
very, very badly,
but believe me, Craig,
it's for your own good.
Number one...
no to everything you just said.
No to what you're thinking.
No to everything you dream.
No to your what-ifs.
No to every single fantasy,
wish, dream,
and elaborate scenario
that involves the two of us.
No, no, no!
Number two...
Ow!
Remember that pain.
And whenever a thought
creeps into your head
wondering if there's
anything more
to the hello I gave you
in the morning,
you remember that pain.
You have no future
with me.
You have nothing with me.
I'm sorry.
Whoa, chubs, you got faced.
You want this?!
You want this stupid,
stupid, stupid safe?!
Here's your stupid safe!
Cool.
Craig, are you all right?
I don't know.
I heard something rip,
and if it wasn't my pants,
it was inside of me.
See? What'd I tell you?
Cockfighting is illegal.
But you made
some good bets.
What'd you win,
ten bucks?
You should feel
good about that.
We are going to jail!
When my parents find out,
I'll be living
in military institutions
until I'm emancipated!
You don't even realize
how serious this is, do you?!
You know what the funny
thing is though?
You did manage to put things
in perspective.
There are worse things
than losing your girlfriend,
and I've experienced
every one of them tonight.
Thank you, Francis.
I really owe you one.
You know, I think I'll be back
in circulation in no time.
You never know.
Craig, our assistant manager,
just tossed the safe at them.
I never saw anything like it.
The guy's a hero.
♪ Hey, did you happen to see ♪
♪ The most beautiful girl
in the world? ♪
♪ And if you did ♪
♪ Was she crying ♪
♪ Crying? ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Did you happen to see ♪
♪ The most beautiful girl ♪
♪ That walked out on me? ♪
♪ Tell her I'm sorry ♪
♪ Tell her I need my baby ♪
♪ Oh, ho-ho-ho... ♪
You sure worked late.
How was your night?
Good.
Yours?
Fine.
Why is there an armoire
in the living room?
Happy anniversary.
enough for me.
You coming to bed?
Yeah, in a minute.
Whoa.
Bastardo.
Wow! You sure
got up early.
Yup. No rest
for the weary.
Wait a minute.
Did you even come to bed
last night?
No, dear.
I stayed up all night
watching Mexican soap operas.
Bye-bye.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Hi, Lois.
Oh! Hi, Craig.
Notice anything different
about me?
Nope.
Just got her in today.
"Craig Feldspar.
Assistant Manager."
Congratulations.
That's great.
And along
with the red badge,
as you know, comes an extra
two-percent discount,
which I'm more than willing
to share with you, Lois.
Oh, no, Craig,
that's your discount.
Really, it's no...
I wouldn't feel right
about jeopardizing
your position
by taking
advantage of that.
I just... I wouldn't
feel right about it.
But what good
is all that power
if I have no one
to share it with?
Theresa, would you mind
checking out aisle four?
Seemed to have noticed someone
knocked over the candy rack.
And could you put the
coffee-toffees on a lower shelf?
Okay.
Did you see that?
Did you see that resentment?
Isn't it wonderful?
Look at me, I'm shaking.
This is
my favorite part of the day.
The twilight time
between school ending
and when your parents come home.
The time
when kids rule the Earth.
Okay, what was this?
Uh... Superman.
Boys, come quick!
Something wonderful
has happened!
Huh?
Isn't she beautiful?
And to think someone
was just throwing her out.
She was under six
bags of garbage,
but, oh, I knew your
mother would love her.
When does she get home?
She's working till 10:00.
Great!
Gives us plenty of
time to get her ready.
Dad, it's junk.
Reese, with a little paint
and some new hardware,
one man's junk is another
man's anniversary present.
Come on, help me
get her inside.
Come in.
Look,
you probably think
I'm here to criticize you
for not doing my homework
yesterday,
but let's not think
about that.
Let's think about
tomorrow's assignment.
So, if you can get that to me
by 8:00, that'd be great.
Or 9:00.
Okay, what's wrong?
My Julie...
she left me!
What happened?
I don't know,
but it's really over.
She sent back all
of my love gifts.
Wow, that's cold.
Oh, come on,
this guy's adorable.
Press its belly.
That's okay.
Look, I've had a lot of
experience with heartache,
and I'll tell you one thing.
You've got to find a way
to get your mind off it.
Look! Here's my homework.
I don't know
what I'm going to do.
She was my light,
my life and my world!
She put out, huh?
Like crazy!
Can I help you?
Give me your money.
Oh, for crying
out loud, again?
Shut up and hand it over.
Okay, just relax, cowboy.
We have a way of doing
this so nobody gets hurt.
I give you every bit
of money in this drawer,
and you and your friend
just leave. Okay?
Okay.
See? Nobody gets hurt.
Nobody gets caught.
Everybody happy. Okay?
Lois, I think Cheryl A.
flipped me off
behind my back.
Craig, I am, uh, I'm
with some customers.
There you go. Bye now.
Did you enjoy your Lucky Aide
shopping experience, gentlemen?
Craig, uh, they're in a hurry.
This won't
take a second.
I am Craig, the
assistant manager.
I can assure you,
if there's one thing
we value here at Luck Aide,
it is customer satisfaction.
We're satisfied.
Well, you don't
sound like it.
Please, don't feel like you're
going to hurt my feelings,
because I'm learning here.
Now, I'm sure there's
something I could do
to make this a better
experience for you.
Yeah. How about you walk me
to every other register
in this place and give me
every cent you've got?
That's a gun!
Craig, calm down.
Everybody, calm down.
I've been through
this five times.
We just give them
the money
from all the other registers,
and they'll leave.
What about the safe?
Safe?
...ty.
Safe-ty of the customers.
I'll lock the doors.
You start rounding up
the customers.
What, are you nuts?
We got to get out of here.
Come on, man. I'm tired of doing
these dinky little holdups.
Have you ever
wanted to do
something more important
with your life?
What do you mean, like,
go back to school?
No, man! Like
breaking into a safe.
Do you want to work at
Orange Julius forever?
All right, everybody
over to sundries!
Easy.
Easy.
Easy.
Whoo! Your mother's going
to flip when she sees this.
Ha-ha!
Well, that's just crazy.
Why would someone fill this
with hundreds
of hanging black bow ties?
Those aren't
bow ties.
Those are bats.
Don't you worry, Lois.
Everything is going to be fine.
Just fine and dandy.
Yeah, keep waving
that thing around, buddy-boy.
You got
a big surprise coming.
Craig, that button has been
disconnected for over a year.
What?! Why?
Because you kept
hitting the damn thing.
In an emergency, yes.
That's what it's for.
Oh, like an emergency
when you saw a bee?
Or when you saw that big fly
that looked like a bee?
How about when you thought
you saw a ghost?
I'm not saying it was
or it wasn't,
but you can't tell me
what we saw was normal.
All right, you two!
Let's move it.
He likes waving that
around too much.
This is going to end
in body bags.
No, Craig, it isn't.
Lois... before we die,
I have to tell you something.
It's about how I feel...
Craig, no.
But, Lois...
Craig, no!
This will all
be over soon.
How much?
Boy.
Well, can you guarantee
that you'll get all of them?
What? That's per bat?!
Are you insane?!
God!
Well, boys, looks like
we're on our own.
What are you
talking about?
Isn't anyone coming?
I'm scared.
Aw... I know, son.
Now, just think
of them this way.
They're only
rats with wings.
And radar.
Just flying rats
with radar.
Say it with me.
Just...
Flying rats with radar.
Once again.
Flying rats with...
Okay, it's important that
everybody just say calm.
And don't make any sudden moves,
or they'll kill you.
And don't look
them in the eye,
or they'll kill you.
And don't beg them not to
kill you, or they'll kill you.
I need you to
stop talking.
You! Assistant manager!
Come here!
This is it.
I didn't feed my cat.
Isn't it funny the things
that go through your mind
before you die?
Craig, they just
want to talk to you.
Lois, before we're all killed
in a bloody mess,
I have to tell you...
Shh! Let's not think
those negative thoughts.
Let's just give them the money
and get them out of here.
Hey, is there any way
we can speed this along?
Yeah. Somebody can give us
the combination to the safe.
Fine. I can't,
but the assistant manager can.
Craig, give them
the combination to the safe.
No.
What?
You can't have it.
Yes, they can.
Craig, give them
the combination.
Let me talk to them.
What's the combo?!
Ca...
♪ ♪
See? Told you I'd
make it all better.
Better?
How could this possibly
cheer me up?
Watching a bunch
of naked, middle-aged women
degrade themselves in a place
that smells like urine
and cigarettes?
When you put it
that way,
you can make anything
sound terrible.
You know, sometimes
you just make it
so hard to be nice.
Hey, you want to see
the real show in back?
No.
Yes. Yes, he does.
Cost you $50.
Look, I only have $20,
so let's just...
Done.
Hey, watch out!
You idiots!
It was just Mom's bra.
What?
What is it?
Kill it!
Ow! Ah!
Is it gone?!
Is it gone?!
Dewey, it's gone.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
You feeling better?
Yeah, I think so. Thanks.
Good.
Now tell me
the damn combination!
No.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Listen, fellas.
I want to get this over
with as much as you do.
So why don't you give me
five minutes with him.
I guarantee you I will get
that combination for you.
Listen, Craig, I think
these guys really mean business.
Now, you know and I know
there is less than $700
in that safe.
Do you really think
the lives of seven employees
is worth less than $700?
Lois, this isn't just
about the money.
Sometimes a man has
to have his dignity.
So what if they kill me?
But before they kill you,
they're going to try
to get that combination
from you any way they can.
Can you picture yourself
with shattered eye sockets?
Because that's where
they're going to start.
They can break every one
of your fingers and toes.
They can even cut
a couple of them off.
Did... did you see the buck
knife in the big guy's boot?
Do you really want to antagonize
that big buck knife, Craig?
Do you really want to feel it
slicing into your flesh?
Craig, stay with me.
Stay...
Damn.
Pass the salt, please.
How long do we have
to stay in here?
Till all the bats are gone.
And with every window and door
wide open in this house,
it's only a matter of time.
Can't new ones just fly in?
So, Dewey, how
was school today?
Mikey Duffy
pushed me down.
Did you push him back?
No. He's bigger than me.
Uh-huh. Reese?
I'm on it.
This is crazy!
I can't eat!
Why? Is something bothering
you at school, son?
Oh. Right.
Anybody want my baked potato?
It's kind of burnt.
No, thanks.
Reese, we aren't
having baked potatoes.
All right! That's it!
Let's just move!
Mom will find us somehow.
No.
I'm tired of running.
I'm tired of screaming
like a girl every five minutes.
I will not be put out of my home
by a bunch of airborne rodents,
and neither will you!
I may have been the one that
brought them into this house,
but it is up to all of us
to show them the door.
Get ready, boys.
It's time to put out the bats.
Ha-ha!
Ow!
Oh, yeah!
I got your money here!
Okay, this isn't exactly
what we expected...
but, hey, now you can say
you've been to a cockfight.
Okay, Dewey,
there's one bat left,
and it's in your
mother's room.
Now, this one is
the tricky bat,
the one who has eluded
all the other traps.
What was it
you named him?
Tricky.
Right. Well, now we
have a very good trap,
but someone has to
lure Tricky into it,
and that someone is you.
Why me?
Because...
you have the shortest hair.
You see, if he lands
on your head,
he'll just bite once
and fly away,
but if he lands on
your brother's or my head,
he'll get caught in our hair
and bite us and bite us
until we are dead.
Do you understand that?
Yes.
Good.
Now...
I want you to
go in that room
and poke him with this stick
until that bat chases you.
Good luck.
I don't know about you, boys,
but I am awfully
darn proud of us.
All right,
somebody get the dustpan.
Lois, are you
all right?
No, I am not all right.
I'm sitting here at gunpoint,
and I wouldn't have to be
if you'd stop being stupid
and give them the combination.
I told you,
I can't do that.
Craig, please. I'm frightened.
I want to go home
and be with my family.
They never told me
the combination.
What did you just say?
They never told me
the combination.
They said they couldn't
trust me with it.
They gave the combination
to the guy who runs
the photo lab next door.
He comes in at night
and transfers the money.
Why didn't you just
say this earlier?
I don't know. I guess
I wasn't in a big rush
to let everybody know
what a pathetic idiot I am.
Oh, Craig, I'm so sorry.
Lois, I love you.
What?
Lois, I love you
with all my heart.
You're my reason to
get up in the morning.
You are my everything.
Craig...
Lois, I don't want
to feel this way.
I know you're married, I know
you have four beautiful boys.
It's my heart.
I wish I didn't
have a heart...
but I do, and I can't
help loving you.
I can't help loving you with
my stupid, stupid heart.
Oh, Craig...
why'd you have to say that?
Dear sweet Craig.
I am truly sorry.
I'm sorry
for the way you feel.
I'm sorry for any indication
I ever gave you
that I consider you
anything more than a friend.
And I am so sorry
for what I have to do now...
because now I have to crush
whatever it is in you
that made you do
what you just did.
I am going to have
to hurt you
very, very badly,
but believe me, Craig,
it's for your own good.
Number one...
no to everything you just said.
No to what you're thinking.
No to everything you dream.
No to your what-ifs.
No to every single fantasy,
wish, dream,
and elaborate scenario
that involves the two of us.
No, no, no!
Number two...
Ow!
Remember that pain.
And whenever a thought
creeps into your head
wondering if there's
anything more
to the hello I gave you
in the morning,
you remember that pain.
You have no future
with me.
You have nothing with me.
I'm sorry.
Whoa, chubs, you got faced.
You want this?!
You want this stupid,
stupid, stupid safe?!
Here's your stupid safe!
Cool.
Craig, are you all right?
I don't know.
I heard something rip,
and if it wasn't my pants,
it was inside of me.
See? What'd I tell you?
Cockfighting is illegal.
But you made
some good bets.
What'd you win,
ten bucks?
You should feel
good about that.
We are going to jail!
When my parents find out,
I'll be living
in military institutions
until I'm emancipated!
You don't even realize
how serious this is, do you?!
You know what the funny
thing is though?
You did manage to put things
in perspective.
There are worse things
than losing your girlfriend,
and I've experienced
every one of them tonight.
Thank you, Francis.
I really owe you one.
You know, I think I'll be back
in circulation in no time.
You never know.
Craig, our assistant manager,
just tossed the safe at them.
I never saw anything like it.
The guy's a hero.
♪ Hey, did you happen to see ♪
♪ The most beautiful girl
in the world? ♪
♪ And if you did ♪
♪ Was she crying ♪
♪ Crying? ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Did you happen to see ♪
♪ The most beautiful girl ♪
♪ That walked out on me? ♪
♪ Tell her I'm sorry ♪
♪ Tell her I need my baby ♪
♪ Oh, ho-ho-ho... ♪
You sure worked late.
How was your night?
Good.
Yours?
Fine.
Why is there an armoire
in the living room?
Happy anniversary.