Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 5 - Casino - full transcript

What? Can't sleep?

No, I have this terrible feeling
we've forgotten something.

Trash, locks, lights...

Oh, well, whatever it is,

I'm sure it can wait
till morning.

Oh, boy.

All right, son.

Son, I think you've
learned your lesson.

Okay.

Thanks, Dad.

We've got to stop
doing this.



♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Craig's dropping off
my paycheck,

so I asked him
to bring in the mail.



I didn't think I needed
to cancel the Sunday paper.

Somebody's just going
to steal it anyway.

Sounds like we've got
nothing to worry about

for the next two days
but having fun.

Mom, Dewey's
going to puke.

Geez, he's thrown up four times.

You'd think
he'd be empty by now.

We're almost there, honey.

Just keep your head
in the bucket.

Just ten
more minutes,

and we'll get to spend a weekend

on a real Indian reservation.

Why do they
have casinos?

I don't know, son.

Let's just thank God they do.

Hey, the pool at this place
looks pretty good.

You guys are going
to have a nice time.

It's too bad Francis
couldn't be here.

Oh, don't you feel
bad for Francis.

He's the one who got himself
on academic probation.

Francis isn't going
anywhere this weekend.

Richie, it's me.

I ditched school,

my family's away
for the whole weekend,

so I got the house to myself.

Call Circus and Justin,
'cause we're going to party!

Sorry, dude. They're in jail.

You're kidding. Why?

They got caught trying to steal

the giant inflatable panda
from the car lot.

Oh, man!

That would've been great
to have.

Well, you can come over, right?

I'm not sure.

This weekend's my intervention.

How long you think
this is going to take, Mom?

You'd better put me down
as a "maybe."

Oh, man, did I overbuy
on pork rinds.

Oop!

Oh, hey, here we go.
This is nice.

I get the rollaway.

I want to sleep with Malcolm.

Cool. I get the big bed
for myself.

Not fair. If you get
the big bed, you get Dewey.

That's not the way you
called it, butt-head.

Now, boys, I'm sure
we can find a fair way

to figure this out.

Reese, Malcolm, Dewey.

I'm taking a bath.

Anybody's got to go,
it's now or never.

Can we go
swimming, Mom?
Yeah, can we?

I think I might take
a quick look at the casino.

Hal, you got two days
to gamble.

Why don't you take the boys
to the pool bef...?

Hal?

They don't do anything.

They're just there.

Hold it there, boys.
No one under 16

allowed in the pool
without an adult.

It's okay.
They're with me.

Sorry.
No parent, no pool.

But that's ridiculous!

We all know how to swim.

Okay, fine.

We'll just go get my dad
in the casino.

Sorry. No kids allowed
in the casino either.

I'm not going to gamble.
I just want to get my dad.

Look, I don't make the rules.

You're just doing this
because you hate kids.

I'm really not.
It's just a happy coincidence.

Mom, they won't let us
in the pool without an adult.

What are we
supposed to do?

I don't know.
Use your imaginations.

What? We're on vacation.

Hey, there's dirt
out there, isn't there?

And rocks and lizards.

And I think I saw
an old tire in the parking lot.

There are kids in the world

with a lot less
than an old tire to play with,

so I don't want to hear
another word about it!

Yeah, it's great being home.

So catch me up. What's going on?

Well, we had Salisbury steak
for dinner.

Yeah? With creamed spinach?

Uh-huh.

That's a great side dish.

Now, I know they use celery salt

and vinegar with that,

but is that oregano I taste,
or is that tarragon?

Francis, I... I got to go.

All right, fine. Put Finley on.

You already talked to him twice.

Come on, we're playing pool
and I'm up.

Okay, okay,
play your stupid game.

I got some serious partying
to do here anyway.

Whoo!

Yes! I win again!

No fair. My goalie
doesn't have any legs.

Hey, boys.

Hey, Dad.
How'd you do?

Well, you know,
blackjack's a complicated game.

You have your ups
and your downs.

So, who wants
to buy me a Coke?

It's too bad
you had to quit, Dad.

That shoe is full of tens.

Huh?

Tens. Face cards.

Okay, there's six decks.

They already
played out 18 nines,

14 eights, 12 sevens,
but only two tens--

a king of spades
and a queen of diamonds.

Which leaves...
well, you can do the math.

No, but you can,
and that's all that matters!

Oh, my little genius!

♪ ♪

Of course we're terribly sorry
about this.

You have to believe
that this is

a momentary
lack of judgment

on my part.

See, I-I realize now
that using my son...

Your underage son.

Yeah, my-my underage son, uh...

to count cards was wrong.

I guess I was just trying
to look for an activity

that the two of us
can enjoy doing together.

You know, it's a tough age.

Yeah, a-and this was really
helping my self-esteem.

You see, I'm not
really good at sports,

and this made me
feel... special.

My son and I cook.

Huh. That's a good thought.

We'll have to try that.

In the meantime,

you're banned from the casino.

Banned?

Oh, no, no, no,
you don't want to do that.

You see, that...
that's just not

going to go over
so well with my wife.

And believe me, you don't
want to see her angry.

I'm not banning her.
Just you.

Okay, uh, look,
let's just, uh...

forget about the three grand
that I... I won, hmm?

Just pretend
it never happened?

Capisce?

That's very generous of you.

You're still banned.

What?!

Oh, all right, then.

Just give me
my money back.

I'm sorry.

What money?

Hey, look, pal...

Who said anything
about money?

Thank you.

I tell you, I am not that
impressed with this place.

You call that
a breakfast buffet?

Not a tangelo to be found.

What are you
talking about?

Didn't you see that teepee
made entirely of sausage?

It was incredible!

I am going to die.

Why didn't anyone stop me?

In our family,
we take the phrase

"all you can eat"
as a personal challenge.

I know what'll
cheer you up.

Why don't we go gamble a little?

Ooh, uh, now?

Where does it say
that just because

you're at a casino
you have to gamble?

I mean, I-I'd rather spend some
more time with my boys, huh?

Whoa, stop it, Dad.
Please stop.

Hal, you made me sit
for eight hours in that car,

listening to your foolproof
system for winning at keno.

Now you're telling me
you don't want to gamble?

We are surrounded
by the great outdoors, Lois.

I was thinking we might
all go for a hike.

Okay, what have you done?

What do you mean?

Why are you avoiding
the casino?

Well, sweetheart,
we could sit here

and I could tell you
all about it

and you might find
it all very amusing,

or you could think
about the fact

that I'm offering
to take the boys off your hands

for the whole day.

Don't forget the sunblock.

All right, crew.

I just happened to find
a brochure in the lobby

for the old
El Diablo Ghost Town

just a five-mile hike
from here.

What's a ghost town?

What do you think it is?

It's a town full
of dead people.

Why can't we just go swimming?

Ah, we can swim at home.
Where?

Come on, it'll be fun.

Look, they have a real working
old-timey ice cream parlor.

We're going!

♪ ♪

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be
in military school?

Shouldn't you not be
in my father's robe?

That is neither here nor there.

You are in big trouble,
my friend.

I'm in trouble?

Yes, big trouble.

I'm telling your mother.

No... I'm telling
my mother!

That's my toast.

We'll split it.

Huh. I don't get it.

The map says the ghost towns
are only a half-inch away.

Dad, we're lost.

What sounds more idiotic:

"Let's go to the desert, kids"
or "Good idea, Dad"?

Hi, Mom!

Dewey, what are you
doing here?

I thought you went for a hike
with your father.

I couldn't.
I don't like ghosts.

They eat little boys.

That's ridiculous.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Except for that one that'll get
you if you go up on the roof.

Come on, you're too young
to be in a casino.

Come on, folks,
take a spin at the wheel.

Oh, may as well
try my free spin.

That's right, lady.
Nobody goes home a loser.

Oh, God, I'm ruined!

Okay, let's give
it a whirl.

Well, look at that.

You have won our Champagne
Dreams Package for two.

An entire day of his
and her spa treatments

followed by an evening
of dinner and dancing.

Well, that's just perfect.

My husband's out on a hike,
and we're leaving tomorrow.

Relax, lady. It's
good for six months.

Six months?!

I had to work
six months of overtime

in a crummy drugstore
just to pay for this trip.

Have you ever had to recommend
hemorrhoid cream

to a complete stranger?

Do you want the
prize, or not?

You carry a lot of tension
in your shoulders.

Tell me about it.

All right, now, listen.
Come on.

Let's just all get
our bearings here, shall we?

All right, here's the sun.

What's it telling us?

That it's hot.

Hey, is that a
fence over there?

By God, you're right!

See, I told you we weren't lost.

Then where are we?

By the fence.

It's a sure sign
of civilization.

I say we go in.

Come on, come on.

Wait a minute.

What if we're already in,

and instead of going in,
we're actually going out?

Son, sometimes the genius thing
gets a little annoying.

Come on. Let's just keep
thinking positive thoughts.

Listen to that.

That's a plane.

There. Help! Help!

Here, we need help!

Oh, we're lost!

Oh, for the love of God,
help us!

Well, shall we?

I can't believe this.

I buy my own
bus ticket home,

I have to spend the
whole weekend with you.

I hear you.

It's a shame you had to spend
your own money.

I've discovered a way
you can travel for free

through the Internet.

What, you hack into
an airline's reservation system?

No, that's illegal.

I go into a chat room
and pretend to be

a really hot
18-year-old girl.

I'm Debbie.

I'm blond, naive,
and I love to wear sundresses.

Right now, I'm having
a lot of problems at home.

Dad's so mean.

I'm going through
all these changes,

all these strange new feelings,
he just doesn't understand...

Wait, Craig.

The free travel?

Right.

Debbie goes into
some chat room,

gets real friendly
with some lonely guy,

and before long
he's willing to pay for a visit.

Right now, I'm sitting on
a ticket to Tampa.

Oh, and I make sure he buys
Debbie full fare coach,

no restrictions.

She may look good in a thong,
but she's no dummy.

Sweet.

I'm thirsty.

Yeah, well, we'd have
water if some idiot

hadn't used it to write
an S.O.S. in the sand.

Oh, I see. You people let me
carry the water,

and all of a sudden
I'm the idiot?

Malcolm, Reese, relax.

We have nothing
to worry about.

Everything's
going to be fine.

Now, I want you to know that
I love you boys very much.

He keeps saying that.

Oh, great.

Now I'm hallucinating.
I see a cougar.

Don't be stupid.

That's a puma.

Okay, everybody okay?

Yeah, I guess so.

Oh, my God.
Where's Dewey?

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

He's back at the hotel.

Okay, then.

Nobody's hurt,
everything's fine.

Dad, a cougar just blew up.

I meant besides that.

That's not good.

Cougars don't just blow up.

As near as I can figure,
I did it with my mind.

Reese, that's insane!

I wouldn't talk to me
like that if I were you.

Okay, there must be
some explanation.

Okay, it could have been caused

by a blasting cap
left by a miner,

although the explosion
was much too big.

Perhaps the cougar
ate some dynamite.

That's ridiculous.

Maybe it's just a mirage.

Could have been a mirage,
although a mirage

usually doesn't end up
all over your shoes,

which leads me back
to the Reese thing.

I accept your apology.

Oh, this feels so good.

I mean, you read about
celebrities going to spas

and having these
kinds of treatments,

but you marry young, you
start spitting out kids,

you can kiss this kind
of thing good-bye.

Don't eat the cucumber
slices, honey.

Okay.

M-Z-R-Y-C.

Nice try.
What's that supposed to mean?

"Mzryc"-- it's another
military term.

You know, the helmets
that horses wear.

Oh, right, right, right.

This is nice.

Hanging out on a Saturday,
playing Scrabble.

Couple of guys, relaxing.

So, your folks
getting along okay?

What?
Nothing.

Here we go.

Read it and weep.

C-A-T.

Hey, that's two "cats"
for you, that's great.

Just playing the tiles
I'm dealt.

So, uh, you pick up
any bad vibes

here on the home front,
you let me know, right?

Why?

Hey! Take it easy, cowboy.

Just making small talk.

Okay.

I guess they're doing fine.

She's a strong little lady,
that mother of yours.

Sure, we have
our moments at work,

but you can't stay mad
at that woman for long.

You don't have
to live with her.

Maybe you just
don't understand her.

What's to understand?

She's a total control freak.

Maybe she doesn't get the
support she needs here at home.

Well, I wouldn't know, since
she sent me to military school.

Because you're a spoiled brat!

And I'm pretty sure
"Mzyrc" ends in a "K"!

Look, it's a house!

Yes!
All right!

Come on.

Hello! Hello!

They're sitting
at the table.

They're just ignoring us.

They probably think we're trying
to sell them something.

Hey, we're lost!

A cougar exploded!

Can we use your phone?

Sorry, we hate to barge in,

but this is
kind of an emergency...

Well, this is a little weird.

Okay, I just figured this out.

Run!

We're on
an artillery range!

That's why
the cougar blew up!

It was hit by a shell!

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

Wait!

No! Oh!

Out, out, out, out,
out, out, out, out!

Go, go, go, go!

Of course, we're
terribly sorry about this,

and we realize that fences
are there for a reason.

However, in fairness,
when we climbed the fence,

we weren't sure
if we were going in or out.

You want to explain
the theory, son?

Not really.

This is a highly
classified testing ground,

and I could very easily detain
the three of you, indefinitely,

for national security reasons.

Know what nobody's
mentioned?

Is that this is supposed to be
the greatest army in the world,

and you couldn't even kill
the three of us.

I've got to tell you,
I'm not impressed.

Well, the great thing
about this trip is

the next time I hear we can't
afford to go on vacation,

I think I'll be
okay with it.

I trust everything went well

for you and your handsome
gentleman friend?

He is handsome,
isn't he?

Can I have some ice cream?

You can have
anything you want.

Tonight is our
special night.

Hello?

Dewey?

Oh, thank God.

Look, I only get
to make one call,

so put your mother on
so she can come get us.

Who was that?

Wrong number.

Announcing the arrival of

Air Alabama Flight 63
at Gate 11.

Thank you.

My foot is killing me.

Ah, let's be
brave soldiers, boys.

Might get there after dark,
but we've got plenty of water,

and we'll be okay.

Tell us the story again,
Dad, please?

Yeah, yeah.

All right, one last time.

Dewey is tied to a post
in the burning sun.

He's covered entirely in honey.

Even his eyes?

Even his eyes.

Uh-oh, what's that behind him?

A million fire ants,
hungry fire ants

with sharp little mandibles
and itchy feet.