Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 4 - Dinner Out - full transcript

Bottom of the ninth.

Two outs, man on first.

The windup...

The pitch...

Uh-oh.

Oh, man, we're so dead.

That's it. Game over.

Yeah.

So I win.
What?!

Past the lamp is a home run.

Two men scored.



That was a foul ball.

Are you crazy?

It went right down the line.

It was foul.
Shut up.

You're home plate.
You don't get a vote.

And it was fair.
Do over.

Fine by me.

Oh, crap!

Now we really have to quit.

Yeah, but that was a triple.

Get back up there.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪



♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

The thing
about playing

at Stevie
Kenarban's house is

he has every one
of my favorite video games

from when I was four.

End of... the rainbow.

I win...

the gold.

Don't you have something

with a little bit
more violence in it?

Fishing... for Fishies.

Sometimes...

he drowns.

Boys!

I've got snacks.

Hands.

Now... who wants applesauce?

I do.

Stevie, there is no need
to use your outdoor voice.

And I've got
some cinnamon

if you guys are feeling
a little crazy.

Feeling... crazy?

A little.

That's my mom.

Oh, well, she always honks.

Tell her she's welcome
to come in anytime.

We're not going to bite.

It's not personal.

I think she just
likes honking.

Malcolm!

Well, you'd
better get going.

I mean, you don't
want to make her mad.

She's always mad.

Malcolm, I mean it!

I have ice
cream melting!

Here's your...
Oh, no, no, no.

Eat it in the car.

Eat it in the car.

Oops.

Jerk.

You looked.

Ow!

We're doing
this new thing

called the circle game.

Basically, if you
can make the other guy

look at your hand
while you're doing this...

below your waist,
you get to hit them in the arm.

It's stupid, but, hey--
you get to hit people.

Barn door's open.

Huh?

Aah!

Boys.

That was
Kitty Kenarban.

She wants to go
out for dinner.

That sounds like fun.
Good for you, dear.

She meant the whole family.

Oh.

Mom, I don't think

that's really
a good idea.

I mean, the
Kenarbans

are kind of...
well, boring.

They're refined, Malcolm,

and it wouldn't be
the worst thing in the world

if some of their manners
rubbed off on you boys.

I just don't think you guys
would get along with them.

Don't be silly.

I think it's nice
she's asking us out to dinner.

It's been a long time since
anyone invited us anywhere.

I wonder why that is.

I think I see
some hungry seals.

Cadets...

as you know, I don't often
reveal my... personal side,

but after 20 years
of separation,

my mother has agreed
to visit with me this weekend.

She is a very demanding woman,

and I haven't seen her
for a long time.

I want things to go well.

That means I will have no time
for antics, shenanigans,

hooliganism
or tomfoolery.

There will be no problems

which take me away
from time with Mother.

This is important to me,
which makes it...

Important to us.

So it is crystal clear.

I will not
be disturbed this weekend.

Yes, sir!

As you were.

Whoa, he sounds
pretty serious.

Yeah. What time you want
to start the party?

Hmm?
What are you
talking about?

Didn't you hear
what Spangler just said?

All I heard was
he's going
to be too busy

with his mother
to pay us any attention.

What kind of party
did you have in mind?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm sure I can come
up with something

that we'll all find amusing.

Well, howdy, girls.

I couldn't help
but notice you all

hanging out here
by the fence

for the last six months.

Would you like to come
to a party tomorrow night?

Wh... you're going
to let us come inside?

Oh, well, sure, that'd be
the neighborly thing to do.

I would kill or die
to go to your party.

Seriously-- kill or die.

Well, that's the spirit.

Okay, I'll take you

and you and you

and you.

Wait a minute.

Isn't this kind
of degrading?

Okay, not you

and you and you...

I want to eat
that one and that one.

Oh, and those two.

Isn't this nice?

No pirate themes.

No ball pits filled
with screaming children.

Hal, look.

"Please wait to be seated."

Look, a dollar.

Oh, it's mine.

Damn. I never fall
for that amateur stuff.

Now, I am going to say this
once and only once.

We are with
respectable
people tonight.

You are to be well mannered
and act civilized,

or so help me, I'll wring
your little necks, you hear me?

Okay, here's the plan if we want
to ditch out of this thing.

At the beginning,
I'll say that I think

I might be coming down
with something...

Hal, I don't want to
ditch out of this.

I'm looking
forward to it.

The Kenarbans
are nice people,

and they want to be
friends with us.

So you're-you're saying
I'm on my own here.

Yoo-hoo, hi there.

Hello.

Abe.

Hal. I think I might

be coming down
with something.

Sorry we're late--
some jackass

parked in the
handicapped space.

Oh, huh, huh.

Why don't you guys
get seated and I-I...

I got to get something
out of the car.

I'll just be a...

Why didn't we think
of doing this sooner?

Don't you think they're
getting a little loud?

Spangler's only
two buildings over.

Uh... ladies.

This is all great,
but if we could just

take it down a teensy bit.

Whoo! I marked him, girl!

He's mine!

Now, remember,

no throwing ice.

No flicking butter
at the ceiling.

No sticking gum
under the table

and no eating gum already
stuck under the table.

Keep your
voices down.

You are warned.

You look very
nice, Stevie.

Oh, great.

Who spilled?

Aw.

Ow.

Circle game?

I want to... play.

I don't know, Stevie.

It's... it's pretty rough.

Oh, come on, quit babying him.

If he wants to play,
let him play.

Now, remember, Stevie,
don't look at this...

...uh... or this.

He's... good.

Well, this
is nice.

I've been looking forward
to this for a long time.

I don't know why we
didn't do this sooner.

Do I feel flush?

No.

Would anyone like a
drink before you order?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, he'll have
a diet soda.

And you, sir?

Uh...

what the heck--
lemonade.

I'll have an iced tea.

Sorry, we're out.

Oh, uh, well, then,
I'll have a...

Wait a minute-- what's
that guy having?

That's hot tea.

This is ridiculous.

You have tea, you have ice.

Make her some iced tea.

Oh, no, no, no,
that is fine.

I would love
a hot tea.

Wow.

This is really nice.

Well, I have to
use the restroom.

I think I also need
to use the restroom.

Girls! You've got
to be quiet! Please!

♪ You and me, baby,
ain't nothin' but mammals ♪

♪ So let's do it like they do
on the Discovery Channel! ♪

Way to go, Francis.

Hey, I promised
you girls-- not
quality girls.

Wow!

Well, gentlemen--

I've had enough experience
with debacles

to know when to cut your losses.

It's time to get Spangler.

No. Come on,
we're not wusses.

We can handle this ourselves.

I'm going to put a stop
to this right now.

All right, girls,
party's over.

Help! Mama!

They're seeing my underpants.

Help!

Nice... one.

Stevie, quit the game.

You're just getting punched.

You haven't gotten us once.

Oh, yeah?

Then how come...

you saw...

this?

Damn.

I swear, Hal, you said,
"I feel flushed"

five seconds
before I was about to.
Oh, yeah?

Salud.

Look at us now--
two grown men

having to sneak off from their
wives just to have a drink.

How sad.
Nah, no, no.

It's really not like that
with me and Kitty.

Sure, I might let her think
she's in charge,

but when it comes down
to the important stuff,

Daddy rules the roost.

Oh, hi, Kitty.

I got you!

I did.

To being whipped.

Like butter, my friend.

Kitty.

Where are those guys?

Hal probably dragged
Abe over to the bar.

You know, if he's drunk,
so help me...

Oh, no-no-no. It's okay.

Gives us a chance to talk.

Here we are--
diet soda...

lemonade...

and cranberry juice.

Thank you.
Cranberry juice?

After all that static he
gave you about ordering tea,

he gives you cranberry juice?

Excuse me?
No-no-no,

it's fine.

Something wrong?

Yes. My friend ordered tea

and you've brought her
cranberry juice.

I don't think so.

Instead of arguing with me,
why don't you

just march back
to the kitchen and make...

No-no-no.
I like cranberry juice.

Very healthy for you. Mmm...

Hey, Reese, that's enough!

This isn't funny anymore.

Okay, okay.

Man, look what
your shoulders did

to my knuckles.

I'll get you
when I come back.

I even knew...

he was going...

to do that.

She won't let me

have butter on my
bread-- butter.

I haven't eaten the
stuff in ten years.

How'd this happen?

We weren't always this way.

Actually, I was.

Classic story--

raised by a grandmother
and four spinster aunts.

I used to wash their
hair on Saturday nights.

You poor bastard,
you never had a chance.

Damn it... enough is enough!

You go, Abe!

Go! Go! Go!

Sir?

Go away!

I told you I did not
want to be disturbed.

My aunt and I are...
catching up.

I... I thought you said
it was your mother, sir.

Go away!

I wish I could, sir,

but we have
a bit of a situation.

See, we decided
to have this party

and it kind of
got out of hand...

I don't care, cadet.

I will deal with
it in the morning.
Yeah, but...

In the morning!

It's just that we invited
some of the local girls...

Local girls?!

There are local girls
inside the perimeter?

Have they killed anyone?

N-No, sir,

but I saw one of them
eat a raw chicken whole.

Spangy.
Uh... just a minute... Mother.

Do you have any idea
what you have done?

Marlin Academy
cannot exist

without the support, the
goodwill and cooperation

of the local community.

The police chief and the mayor

both sit
on our board of governors!

The fire chief
is a regent!

And right now their psychotic
offspring are in there

tearing up the floorboards!

It won't be long
before they're in the air ducts.

What are we going
to do, sir?

We are going to do
what any self-respecting
member of society does

in a situation like this--
we're going to keep it quiet.

But they're destroying
the school.

Let's hope that's
all they do, cadet.

I'm afraid this is
like an oil fire--

we have to let it
burn itself out.

Oh, yeah, I forgot--
one of them started an oil fire.

So...

did you see
any good movies lately?

Well, we just saw
Les Amants du Pont-Neuf.

Did you see it?

No.

Last movie I saw was

The Computer Wore Tennis Shoes
on cable.

Oh, my God! Kurt Russell!
Yes.

Oh, I had such a crush on him
in those Disney films.

I did, too--
especially in Now You See It...

Now You Don't!

Oh, God...
Oh, he was so cute.

Did you see The Strongest Man
in the World?
About 50 times.

Oh, my God!
I just wanted to reach out
and grab that tush.

I am so terrible.

Seriously, this
has got to stop.

I'm actually starting
to feel bad

and plus... I'm
kind of getting
bored creatively.

Oh, my God!

Is that a snake?
Stevie, don't.

Sucker.

Snake...

I'm an idiot.

Oh...
Oh...

I'm so glad we decided
to have this dinner.

So am I.
I feel so much better now.

Better?

About you and your family.

What?

A-A-About Malcolm and Stevie

because they spend
so much time together,

and now that we've gotten
to know each other,

I just feel better.

Wait a minute.

You mean this wasn't about
you wanting to be friends?

Yes, it was.

No, it wasn't.

You were checking us out.

You wanted to see if we were
good enough for your family.

No, no, no. I-I wouldn't
put it that way.

I would, because
that's what you're doing.

How dare you!

You can't judge us.

You know,

you are not
so perfect yourself, lady.

Hell, you are one of the most
uptight, repressed people

I've ever met in my life.

Did you know that Kurt Russell
was the jungle boy

on Gilligan's Island?

Don't change the subject.

We're having an
argument here.

I yell at you;
you yell at me--

that's what you do.

What's wrong with you?

Whatever you say
is wrong with me

is what's wrong with me.

There-- problem solved.

Okay, that's just freaky.

Hey, I'm getting
good with my left.

Thanks, Stevie.

I... give up.

I'm going to...

the car.

Way to go, Reese.

Aw, geez!

Crying on... command...

got me... a cable modem.

You have a real problem.

Have you never
yelled at anyone

in your entire life?

I just don't see
what it accomplishes.

Are you kidding?

Most of the time,
if you're not yelling,

they're not listening.

Lois, our situation
is difficult enough

without me adding
a bunch of negativity to it.

What situation? You mean Stevie?

He's fine!
He's not going to wither away

because you blow off steam
every once in a while.

Hey, why don't you give
both of you a break?

Go ahead, hit me.

Get it over with.

Ow... ow...

Let me... help you.

Reap...

the whirlwind!

Finally-- justice.

I mean, if he doesn't kill him.

Stevie, what the hell
do you think you're doing?!

You are in so
much trouble!

This behavior is
totally unacceptable.

We are at a restaurant--
what is wrong with you?

Don't you take that tone
with me!

You just wait
till we get home!

He bruised the bone.

Oh, like you
didn't deserve it.

Good for you! I knew
you had it in you.

Shut your trap!

Excuse me, would
you mind please
keeping it down?

Would you mind
going to hell?

And I absolutely did order tea!

How hard is it to remember
a stupid drink order, you idiot?

Kitty, there's going to be
some changes...

And you-- Mr. Ho Hos
in his sock drawer!

Who do you think
you're kidding?

Honey, you have
to pace yourself.

And another thing,
Don Juan,

there are two people
in that bed!

You know, I really don't
feel very good.

And I had it with your poker
nights and your idiot frien...

I think this is
where they nested.

I'd say we got off lucky.

This happened once
before in '72--

we had to bulldoze
the amphitheater.

It's Horton.

Hey, Horton, you okay?

What happened?

I've seen things, Francis...

terrible things...

and I... I think I'm engaged.

Come on, children,
quickly, quickly.
Those pants went

out of style in the '80s
and they were ugly back then.

Don't you give me that look.

You got a eye problem?

Whoa. Interesting dinner.

Stevie beat the crap
out of Reese,

his dad got drunk,

and his mom's gone
totally psycho.

Oh, my God... we're contagious.

...the whole night staring
at the cocktail waitress.