Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 3 - Lois's Birthday - full transcript

There's a lot of good things
about weekends:

no school, cartoons.

But the best thing about
weekends is having a neighbor

like old Mrs. Jansen.

Trick or treat!

Oh, my! Look at

what nice costumes
you have!

Here's two for you

and two for you.

There.

Thank you, Mrs. Jansen.



Good-bye.

Hey, before
you condemn us,

we're the only kids
who even talk to her.

So if it wasn't for us,

she would have no
human contact at all.

We shoveled
your walkway.

Oh!

It looks wonderful.

Let me get my purse.

Okay, now you
can condemn us.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪



♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

It's Mom's birthday.

She took us down
to the store where she works

so we could buy presents
for her.

So far, it's working
out pretty well.

Reese, for crying out loud!

It's killing me!
I'm so close!

Get your hand
out of there!

I can't!

Ow!

All right!

I got it!

Okay, now listen up.

I'm going to give you
each ten dollars

to buy me something.

We've never
done this before.

Usually on her birthday,
we just make her stuff.

Honey, it's... nice.

It's a potato bank.

I made it.

Now, you can each
get me something,

or you can
put your money together

and get me...
um, I don't know.

Oh, well, now, look at that.

A foot massager.

Hey, and it's only $25.

And you've got, uh, $30

between you?

Huh.

Well, I'm sure whatever
you get me, I'll love it.

Now meet me back here
in ten minutes...

Stop pushing!

Come on!
Dewey, you...

Lois!

Hi, Craig.

What are you doing here
on your... day off?

Oh, I just stopped in
with the boys

so they could buy me
a birthday present.

Oh!

It's-it's your birthday?

I'd-I'd completely forgotten.

Seems like any
other day, actually.

Yeah, well...

Craig to aisle seven.

Of course, you can't
blame me for forgetting.

I've been so busy lately.

Seems like I'm always hitting
the weights at the gym,

working on the guns.

Craig, aisle seven.

Yeah, and when
I'm not at the gym,

I'm usually with
my Dixieland jazz group.

Really? What do you play?

I'm the costumer.

You know, there are four
different types of straw hats,

and if you ever need
those arm garters...

Craig, I can see you.

Bye.

And it's my mom's birthday,

so it means a lot to her
for me to come home.

Just as a coincidence,

my friend Richie is throwing
a huge party on the same day.

But enough about me.

I can't believe
that you and your schoolmates

have come all the way
from Mozambique

just to see a bunch
of national parks and monuments.

I mean, I don't
want to criticize,

but you really
haven't seen America

until you've seen
the small towns,

met the people,

studied the way my friend
Richie throws a keg party.

You're wasting
your time.

She doesn't
speak English.

Oh.

Which is just as
well, because if she

understood the crap
you were feeding her,

she'd laugh
in your face.

I, on the other hand,
find your desperation charming.

Really?

Oh, well, there's plenty more
where that came from.

Get out of my way!
Let go of me!

Come on, move, move!

Here you go, Mom--
happy birthday.

Don't you want to wrap it?

No, it's okay.

An eyeglass repair kit.

Box of
throat lozenges.

A dirt bike magazine.

I might want to look at
that when you're done.

This cost you $30?

No, it was, like, eight.

This store's
great, Mom.

When can I have my candy?

Relax, dude, we have
20 bucks worth.

Shotgun!

Hey! Wait!

Mom, what's for dinner?

Oh, I don't know.

Why don't you have some candy.

Yay!

Dewey, take off the wrappers.

Does Mom seem okay
to you?

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I think she might be upset
about something.

Maybe I should go ask if...

Ooh. Skinny Fonzie.

...19, 20, 21, 22, 23.

All here.

You can go.

This is my house.

Can't you just feel
the authenticity of it?

Not like those crappy
plastic national parks

you've been going to.

You can relax, Francis.

I got off the bus already.

Right, okay.

Here's the deal:
we go inside,

make a polite appearance
for my mother's birthday,

have some cake with her,
drop off my laundry,

and then we go
to the party.

My God!

What?

Do you even know

how astonishingly
beautiful you are?

Oh, yes.

I've had 15 marriage proposals.

That's why the general
sent me on this trip--

to keep me out of trouble.

Hey, boys.
Where's Mom?

Bedroom.

Oh, yeah?

Honey?

What?

Are you okay?

Hey.

What's wrong?

The boys.

Ah.

Don't let them get to you.

They'll be out of the house
in ten years.

Hey, what did
those mean boys do, huh?

I gave them $30 to
buy me something nice,

and they spent it
all on themselves.

They don't even care
that it's my birthday.

Oh, well!

Those boys are going to hear
from me, let me tell you.

They are going to get
one heck of a talking-to.

And th-then I think
I'll go for a drive,

I'm just so furious.

Damn it, damn it, damn it!

Her birthday's on the 12th.

It can't be the... oh!

No, no!

I programmed this stupid watch

to remind me that...

No, no, no, no!

You boys
are in so much trouble!

Help me on this.

I can't believe

that you could be
so thoughtless!

We all
screwed up really big this time.

I have a good mind to use
the belt on all three of you!

Why are you yelling at us?

Sorry isn't good enough, mister.

I forgot your mom's birthday!

Oh... Oh!

What?!

What?!

What?!

Hi, Hal.

Craig, what do you want?

Well, Lois and I had
an exchange, and I felt bad,

so... I'm sure
she told you all about it.

No, actually,
she didn't say anything.

Craig, we're in the middle of...

Well, it's complicated.

You see,
I didn't buy Lois a present,

even though I wanted to,
and I thought "this is silly,"

so I went ahead and got her one,
and here it is.

Oh... great.

I-I'll take it in
to her right now.

Oh, such a nice,

nice gift.

You know what,
second thought, uh,

I can take care
of this tomorrow.

I'll bring it in to work.
Oh, no, wouldn't be

any trouble at all.
Really?

No, I'd be happy
to take it in to her.

Yeah, I'd really hate
to put you out.

Don't be silly.

Give it!

Lois, it's Craig!
He's stealing your present!

It's a present
that I paid $129 for!

Honey?

Honey, where
are you going?

Wherever I want.

Well...

when are you
coming home?

When?

Whenever somebody
in this family gives a damn.

Happy birthday, Mom!

This is bad.

Mom's never taken off
on us like this before.

Yeah. She usually
throws us out.

You bought candy?

You don't just...!

It was her...!

If I only had the...!

Stupid watch!

Candy?!

What were you...?!

D'oh!

What's his problem?

He's not the only one
pissed at you little twerps.

What are you
talking about?

I had this great
party lined up

with this beautiful girl,

and all I had to do
was come home,

make an appearance
at Mom's birthday--

be the good son.

Everything would've been fine,

but now my trip home
has been tainted.

In her mind,
we're all thoughtless jerks,

thanks to you guys.

What did we do?
Think about it.

Mom gave you money
to buy her a present

and you spent
most of it on candy.

And the rest
on her presents.

But you spent
most of it on candy.

We've established that.

We're just going around
in circles here.

Okay, look.

How would you feel
if Mom didn't buy you a present?

Mom's not buying me
a birthday present?

No, that's not what I'm saying.
I'm saying...

But it's my birthday.

No, it's not.

Francis, it's Mom.

We've never made a big deal
out of her birthday.

And plus, she said she'd be
happy with whatever we got her.

And was she happy?

Oh, man... we suck.

Did we make Mom mad?

No, Dewey, worse.

You hurt her.

Okay, I'm lost.

Ow!

That's how Mom feels
on the inside.

So what are we
supposed to do?

"We"?

Haven't you guys been listening?

You screwed up, not me.
I'm not doing anything.

I don't know what you're going
to do, and I don't care.

I have my own problems.

I have to go to a kegger,
party with my friends,

make out with an African goddess
with this hanging over my head.

Come on, Amaani.

This isn't fair.

Mom never should
have taken us

to a store that
sells candy.

She set us up!

Shut up, Reese.

We blew it.

We made our own mom
run away from home.

Where do you think she is?

♪ Behind every good woman
lies a trail of men ♪

♪ Don't ask where she's going,
don't ask where she's been ♪

♪ Behind every good woman
lies... ♪

Hey, lady, are you going
to hog that cage all day?

I got news for you, kid.
I'm a grown-up

with a credit card
and no curfew.

I could stay here all week
if I want.

- Yeah, but we want to hit.
- Yeah, we do.

When you getting out of there?

You want me to get out?

Okay, I'll get out.

If you do one
thing for me.

You give me back
15 years of my life.

Can you do that?
Can you reverse time?

Can you take me back
to when I was 23,

so I can stay single,
go to music school

and become
a concert violinist?

Huh?

No? Okay.

Looks like I'm going
to have to keep on batting.

You can't just hog the cage
because you're crazy!

That's not fair!

You think I'm crazy?

I'll show you crazy.

♪ ♪

I hope your friend Richie

has some place
where we can be alone.

You know my mom's going to
end up blaming me for this.

What?

This whole
birthday fiasco.

By the time she's done
spinning it in her head,

I'll be the one who gave
her the crappy presents.

Any chance my mom gets to
make my life miserable,

she pounces.

You know, in Mozambique,

talking about your mother this
much isn't considered a turn-on.

Sorry.

Is Mom ever
coming home?

Of course she is.

Reese, what
are you doing?

Making a list of women
for Dad to look into.

Now that Mom's gone.

Mom's coming back.

Hey, if you want
to be in denial,

it's fine with me,
but I'm trying to keep Dad

from making
the same mistake twice.

It's called being proactive.

"Mrs. Larson"?

She can cook,
and her daughters are nymphos.

Ask me what she did
for my birthday?

Just ask me.

Francis...
Okay.

I'm sorry.

That is the last time.

It's out of my mind.

And this next track is a special
request to Lois from Hal.

He loves you and misses you
and says if you come back,

he'll give you
that sweet monkey love...

What are you doing?
Nothing.

And this next song

goes out to a very special lady
from Craig.

♪ ♪

Oh, no.

What is it?

It's my mom.

What's she doing
at a batting cage?

And why am I surprised
by anything she does?

Don't worry, I am not going
to let her ruin this for us.

We are going to that
party-- end of story.

Damn it!

Oh, thank God.

She's crushing the ball.

How come she didn't teach us
how to play baseball?

Because there's more to hitting
than making contact.

So what do we do now?

♪ Happy birthday, dear Timmy ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Okay, Timmy,
blow out the candles.

Hang on there, Timmy.

What are you doing?

Can I talk to you
for a second?

♪ Happy birthday to you,
happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday, dear Lois ♪
♪ Happy birthday, dear Mom ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you. ♪

Happy birthday, honey.

Yeah.

What are you doing, Hal?

Well, what's it look like?

We're celebrating your birthday
as a family.

Who are you?

I'm sorry, Mom.

Yeah, me, too.
Me, too.

Actually, I'd like to point out
that I'm clean on this one.

Lois, honey, come home, please?
What do we have to do?

A lot of things.

I don't want to be taken
for granted anymore.

If I come back, you guys are
gonna make some changes.

Anything, whatever you want.

I don't ever
want to have to remind

my own family
that it's my birthday.

You are so right.

It will never happen again.

Mm-hmm.
And one night a week,

I don't want
to have to fix dinner.

Absolutely, good, fine, done.
No problem.

And I want dirty laundry
in the hamper,

not on the floor,
not over a lampshade,

not shoved
in some mattress crack.

No problem.
We'll throw it in the hamper.

It's just that easy, huh?

Yes, it's just that easy.

Then why do I
even have to ask?

If it's so obvious

I need a little
human consideration,

I shouldn't even have to ask.

Oh, geez, honey,
that's never going to happen.

What?

We're not smart enough
to do that.

Look who you're talking to.

You might as well
ask us all to be a foot taller.

Sweetie, you're always going
to have to tell us what to do.

I mean, look at this
half-baked celebration.

I mean, we're at the top
of our game here.

Honey, the only
thing that

we're ever going to be able

to offer you
is our total abject obedience.

I-I know
that doesn't sound like much,

but if you look at it this way,

our meager abilities
are yours completely-- 100%.

Listen, wide ride,
these guys are

just trying to do
something nice for you.

Give them a break.

I-I'm sorry.

Did you just call
my wife "wide ride"?

Oh, okay, I get it.

You got to make
a big show for...

Now, you are going
to get up and apolo...

All right!

Yeah! Good job!

Hit him, Dad!
Come on!

Come on, work the gut!

Work the inside!
Keep your hands in!

Lead with the left!

Hold this.

I got to go.
I know.

You'll be here waiting
for me when I'm done?

No. Good-bye.

Hit him, Dad!
Kill him!

Fight him! Hit him!

♪ All my life was a paper ♪

♪ Once plain, pure and white ♪

♪ Till you moved with your pen ♪

♪ Changing moods now and then ♪

♪ Till the balance was right ♪

♪ And you ♪

♪ Decorated my life ♪

♪ By painting your love ♪

♪ All over my heart ♪

♪ You decorated my life ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh. ♪