Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 2 - Halloween Approximately - full transcript

When Francis shows up a week late for Halloween, he and the boys still manage to create the ultimate prank; Hal tries to catch a man who keeps speeding down the street, which leads to Lois and him stealing the car.

Nine days
past expiration.

Ugh!

Here.

Ugh! Turned carbonated.

Expired two months ago.

You don't have the guts.

When was the last
Christmas we had eggnog?

I think before Dewey.

It's all you, man.

This is a game that
has no winners.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪



♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Well, that's the last
of my Halloween candy.

All that sugar,
all those cavities.

We're the real
winners, guys.



Are you coming over
Saturday?

For what?

For what?!

The Leonid meteor shower!

Only once
in a lifetime

do the mighty
Leonids reveal

their full beauty
before bedtime.

I wish I could, guys,

but Francis is coming
home this weekend.

And since he missed
Halloween last week,

we're going to
hang out together.

Are you sure?

Stevie has
a new telescope,

and I was thinking that
after the meteor shower

we could watch
Mrs. Feldman shower.

And you call yourself
a scientist.

It's been
a week, sweetie.

Take off the costume.

But I like it.

It's filthy. Come here.

Go put some clothes on,
sweetie.

What you doing?
I don't know.

There's something about the way
you swish that brush around

that just drives me...

Damn! That blue car!

That's three times this week.

That joyriding son of a...

Hal, just call the police.

I have.

They won't do anything.

Lois, I swear,
one of these days,

I'm going to catch up
to that punk,

I'm going to
drag him out of his car,

and I'm going
to beat him senseless

until he understands
that there's a certain thing

called the law.

Don't let him get to you.
Come on.

Well, when's it going to stop?

When Dewey here is smashed

into a lifeless pulp?

Put some clothes on, son.

Halloween sucked this year
without Francis.

The eggs and shaving
cream I can keep.

But what am I ever going
to do with this stuff?

It was supposed to be

our first Halloween
as mindless vandals.

But Francis got in trouble
at school,

so we had to go
trick-or-treating

like a bunch
of little kids.

Oh, look at you three.

What are you?

A beat-up hillbilly.

And you?
Just give us the candy.

Oh, I bet you're a ghost.

I'm a marshmallow.

Oh, and a cute one at that.

I just want to stick a fork
in your belly

and roast you
over an open flame

till you're
nice and crispy.

It's embarrassing
at our age--

coming home with candy.

Give me that.

Hey!

Hey! Hey!

Pull over, you gutless...

I got kids!

You lousy...

...son of a...

This guy is a menace.

Now, I've tried to
get him on my own,

but the truth is,
it's not a job for one man.

It is a community problem,

and all we have to do

is work together.

If we all keep an eye out
for this guy,

I think we should be able
to catch him pretty quickly.

Why don't you
clean up your yard?

What?

Why don't you just move?

Look, this isn't about me.

These meetings are
always about you.

You're the sole
reason we meet.

Those kids of yours
should be in jail.

How would you like it
if you scrimped and saved

all your life to live
in a nice neighborhood,

and then a bunch
of godless monsters moved in

and destroyed
all your dreams?

Okay, back to the subject.
I'd like to pass around

a sign-up sheet for a stakeout.

Well... thanks for your time.

You're welcome.

Hello?

Hi, Francis.

Welcome home.

Too old to hug your mom?

Mom, I've been waiting

at the bus station
for three hours.

Why didn't anybody
come to pick me up?

What?

I sent your father.

Oh, Francis, I'm sorry.

He's battling his archenemy.

What, the squirrel's back?

No, it's a human this time.

Francis!

Hey!

Did you guys tear it up
on Halloween?

Oh, yeah.
We were out of control.

Kids were running;
people were screaming;

babies were crying.

We went trick-or-treating.

It just didn't feel
right without you.

I had fun.
Shut up, Dewey.

Couldn't you have gotten
in trouble after Halloween?

Guys, I'm sorry.

I know I let you down,

but I really didn't
have a choice.

The commandant's fake leg was
just lying there in the closet

begging for a novelty
bumper sticker.

It was a snap decision,

but I really think
I did the right thing.

That's all right.
There's always next year.

Well, why do we have
to wait a year?

Guys, Halloween

isn't a date
on the calendar.

Yeah, it is.

It's the 31st.

No, Halloween is in your hearts.

Every time a little kid
cries in fear,

that's Halloween.

Every time something repulsive

ends up in a mailbox,
that is Halloween.

As long as you carry
the spirit of destruction

and vandalism in your hearts,
every day is Halloween.

No, look, it is the 31st.

Men, we are going to have
Halloween this weekend.

Hal, you have been out
here for seven hours.

Come to bed.

Look, Lois, I am
doing this for the boys.

We can't just let our street
become a speedway.

Got to protect my family,

even if it means
sitting in this van

every night for a month.

It's a matter of principle.

Mmm. Before you go to sleep,

I'd like you
to replace my pee jar.

No!

Son of a...

Boys, the time has come.

You're about to see the device

that will change
the face of Halloween forever.

Behold.

That's not
a flying chocolate maker.

This is just
a bunch of tubes.

Trust me.

I do trust you,

but I expected something
a little more...

Oh, my God.
Will this work?

Absolutely.

What? What is it?

It looks like an
incredibly powerful slingshot.

A slingshot capable of hurling
objects over a distance

of two city blocks.

Picture yourself--

you're walking down the street,

you're minding
your own business,

when all of a sudden... bam!

You're hit
by a ten-pound balloon

filled with shaving cream,
paint

or any number
of foul-smelling liquids.

And you never,
ever know who did it.

It's the perfect
weapon.

Reese, are you crying?

No.

What are you doing?

I've had it, Lois.

I'm building a speed bump.

Hal, would you look
at yourself?

It's 4:00 in the morning.

You're out here
in your pajamas

mixing cement
in a wheelbarrow.

It's going to rip the suspension
right out from under him.

There'll be some
chassis damage.

Oh, boy, I'd hate
to be the one

who has to realign
his connecting rods.

That guy's not going
to know what hit him.

Yee-ha!

Okay, we got eggs,

shaving cream, water balloons.

I don't know,
I'm just not feeling it.

These eggs are
pretty rotten.

Yeah, I know,
but it's all just so...

standard.

I mean, we have a whole new
breed of weapon here.

We need to live up to that.

We need to start thinking
outside the box.

So if you'll just spend
a couple of hours

waiting for him here,

I know the guy
will come racing by,

and then you can
arrest him

and this whole thing
will be over once and for all.

I want some help
protecting my family.

So you weren't held up
at gunpoint?

Okay, that was a lie.

But I've been calling
you people for weeks

and not getting
any help.

No one is listening to me.

Is this your speed bump?

It was a good bump, Hal.

You want a sandwich?

Easy.

Good.

Just let me talk to him.

I'll get this whole thing
straightened out in two minutes.

Get the car.

Let's go through
this one more time.

Malcolm,
what's your job?

Aimer.

Reese?
Loader.

Dewey, what do you do

if you see Mom
and Dad coming?

Excellent.

Where'd they
go, anyway?

Okay, look--
we've got his license plate.

We've got his address.

That's more than enough
to get...

Hal!

What are you doing?

Shh. Get down.

I'm letting the air
out of his tires.

No, Hal.

Okay, but then
we go home.

Hello.

I have an idea.

You can't steal his car.

I'm not stealing his car.

I'm just taking it
elsewhere for a while.

It'll teach the kid a lesson.

No, Hal.

I'm putting the key
in the lock.
No, Hal.

I'm opening the door.

No, Hal.

I'm getting in the car.
No.

I am turning on the engine.

Oh, ow. Just...

This is crazy.

You can't just take
a person's car.

There are laws...!

Oh. Oh... serious engine.

He must have bored out
the cylinders in this puppy.

Pull over.

Remember that Maverick
I used to have?

I don't want to talk
about your old muscle car.

Scared?

Of course I'm scared.

You've turned into
a crazy person.

Do it again.

Oh!
Oh!

All right, let's
try a test shot.

Reese, just get me
a small water balloon.

Malcolm, you got me a target?

We've got a target.

Listen, you idiot, the optics
on the Newtonian reflector

don't even approach
a Schmidt-Cassegrain.

It's a nice century--
why don't you join it?

Shrine burn center;
admitting Kyle.

Ladies!

The stars.

He's right.

Why squabble when we
have the Leonids?

You hear something?

Oh, my telescope!

It's broken!

Why my telescope?!

Yes!

Yeah!
Yeah!

Go! Go!

Yeah.

♪ ♪

♪ Well, there's a new weapon
in the quest for knowledge ♪

♪ You don't need school
and you don't need college ♪

♪ Forget the conventional
'cause there's a new way ♪

♪ You'll learn it all
and it won't take a single day ♪

♪ Go from the nursery
straight to university ♪

♪ Stand proud
in the face of adversity ♪

♪ I've seen the future
just in case you didn't know ♪

♪ This is the future
through your rear window ♪

♪ I needed them all ♪

♪ Like I needed a headache ♪

♪ I dropped out of school ♪

♪ And it wasn't a mistake ♪

♪ Stop worrying about
all the things you don't know ♪

♪ Tune in and go
through the rear window ♪

♪ Don't worry if your life... ♪

Yeah!

Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper!
Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper!
Diaper!

Yeah!

Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper! Diaper!

Diaper! Diaper!
Diaper!

Diaper! Oh...

All right.

No more of those.

♪ ♪

Yes!

I love you so much.

I can't believe
the power of this thing.

If it was to fall
in the wrong hands...

I see an old lady.

Reload!
Reload! Reload! Reload!

I'm serious, Hal.

What are we going to do?

The time to drop off the car
and go home

was, like, 20 miles ago.

What if we just kept going?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about you and me

running away and spending
the rest of our lives

on some... I don't know,
some hidden beach in Mexico

with no jobs and no kids.

Oh, it's not that simple, Hal.

Why not?

I mean, we would have
to change our names, but...

I'd be Raul.

You'd be Consuela.

Consuela?

Sí.

You think they'd send
the federales after us?

Huh! Of course.

But they'd
never find us.

We'd be outlaws.

Oh, we'd be legends.

We'd be living
every parent's dream.

We'd be folk heroes.

Like Bonnie and Clyde.

Raul and Consuela.

Spearing fish.

Climbing for coconuts.

Living naked as monkeys.

Oh... Raul.

Yeah!

I think I speak
for all of us

when I say
that tonight ruled!

Totally.

We own you all.

No one is safe.

We are the kings
of this block.

Did you hear me, world?

Violence just got
a little more random!

Reload! Reload!

This is incredible.

Their accuracy
is amazing.

Make it stop!

Who are these guys?

It's tofu.

Angle: 47.9 degrees.

Check.

Brakes locked.

This is for
all the times

I've been called
"butt-tweefer."

Fire!

What do you mean,
Krelboynes?

I guess they've
built their own catapult.

That's impossible.

How could they do that?

Where would they
get the materials?

It's a funnel
and surgical tubing.

Stevie's garage
is filled with that stuff.

What are we
going to do?

We're going to fight.

They're Krelboynes.

They're nothing.

We can fight. We can fight.

We can fight.

We can fight.
We can fight.

We have to surrender.

Francis is right.

We have to
give up, Reese.

Come on,
you wussies.

Just shoot me
over there.

I'll kick their
asses myself.

Get it off!

Oh, my God!

Get it off!

They're surrendering.

And I suppose I've never been
offered the chance to surrender.

Keep firing!

Well, they won't even
let us surrender honorably.

Boys, it's time
to run away like cowards.

Well, there is
some comfort in knowing

what the next two hours
of my life are going to be like.

Oh. Look.

A shooting star.

Well, I'm thinking
much more clearly now.

Yeah, I think
we both are, Hal.

I guess Mexico's
not really an option.

No, I don't think so.

No. No.

It would have been
fun, though.

Oh, yeah.

So, what do we do now?

Well, I assume the car has
been reported stolen already,

and we've probably
left our share

of DNA evidence in here.

It's only a
30-mile walk.

We'll be home
for breakfast.

You know, I'm glad
we didn't run away.

Yeah, me, too.

What was my name again?

Raul, baby.
Oh, yeah.