Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 1 - Traffic Jam - full transcript
As the family drives home from the water-park, they get stuck in a traffic jam. While each family members tries to deal with heat, stress and boredom in their own way, Dewey is roaming the country on his own.
Okay, here's the thing
about my family:
we don't go on a lot of outings
together, but when we do,
there's a little tradition
we always end up observing.
When you say lifetime ban,
I mean, whose lifetime
are you talking about?
Ow! Mom, let my feet
touch the ground.
Don't you ever ask me
for anything ever again.
I should've just
given birth to chimps.
Then at least I know
to expect this kind of behavior.
Ow!
Believe it or not,
I actually envy Dewey.
He got to stay home and play
with the babysitter.
And then the ambulance came,
but there was this balloon.
And then I was chasing it,
and then I didn't know
where I was.
And then I chased a bag,
and then I really didn't know
where I was.
And then I saw you,
and I thought
maybe you could help me
because you helped that other
girl-- the one in the movie.
So if you could just
come to life and help me,
I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks anyway.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
It's 95 degrees outside.
It's 110 in here.
We have to run the heater
so the radiator
doesn't boil over.
Hal, stop swerving.
This darn silver Toyota's
been tailgating me
for the last three miles.
Just pull over,
let him pass.
Oh, flashing
the brights.
It's going to be
like that, huh?
Huh!
Good lord, Hal,
he could have a gun.
Just let him pass.
All right, silver Toyota,
you win this round.
Go ahead, get there
two seconds sooner!
That guy is just an accident
waiting to happen.
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
It's a good
thing I found you.
It's not very safe
for a little boy like you
to be all by yourself.
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
Oh, don't you worry.
I'm going to get you back home
to your parents.
They must be worried sick.
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
It's "E," dear.
♪ A, B, C, D, E. ♪
♪ E. ♪
I know.
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
"Sugar, corn syrup and gelatin."
How can something so
simple be so delicious?
That stuff's nasty, Francis.
To the unsophisticated
palate, yes,
but to me, the Candy Quack
is nature's perfect food.
I'll bet I could eat
a hundred of them.
No way. All that marshmallow
would expand in your stomach.
You wouldn't get past 50.
Okay, there's where
you're wrong, Joe.
See, the marshmallow
wouldn't expand.
It would dissolve.
I'd never get full.
In fact, I don't...
Will you just shut up!
I have sat back
and said nothing
while you've gone on and on
about how you can eat
a hundred of this
and lift a hundred of that.
The Quacks would expand.
You're an idiot
if you think different.
Okay, let me tell
you something.
If I say I can eat
a hundred Quacks,
you can take that as
a bona fide guarantee.
And there's no need to resort
to personal attacks,
because I'd hate to raise
the whole issue of you
wearing boxers in the shower.
That was so cool.
Did you see that truck
jackknife and flip over
and that wheel fly
through the air?
An explosion
would've been nice,
but you can't
have everything.
Yeah, Reese,
this is great.
Now we're stuck
here for hours
with no food and no
air-conditioning.
I guess it could be worse.
I could be the guy
in the silver Toyota.
Why can't you just
open one lane?
Lady, we have to wait
for the crane to get here
before we can even think of
opening this road to traffic.
Yeah, but if you just moved a
couple of those police cars,
there'd be enough room to
just pass on the shoulder.
I mean, this is
just plain stupid.
Ma'am, don't call
a police officer stupid.
What, that's a law now?
Look, my freshman year,
I ate seven pounds of grapes
in one sitting.
I think I know what my body
is capable of.
We're not talking
about grapes, Francis.
We're talking
about pure sucrose.
The human body simply
cannot absorb the sugar
in 100 Quacks.
Yeah!
Hey, in extreme cases,
the human pancreas has
been known to increase
its insulin production
by up to 60%.
Yeah!
Listen, your pancreas can
produce enough insulin
to fill a swimming pool.
That doesn't mean squat
if your adrenal gland
can't distribute it
into your bloodstream
fast enough!
Yeah!
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
This argument is pointless.
One.
Look, look at that--
they're just standing around.
Yeah, 500 cars full of people
who actually have
someplace to go, and they're
just standing there talking.
What is there to discuss?!
Hey! Let me clear
something up for you!
This is a car wreck!
You're a road crew.
Do your job!
Are you even listening
to me?
That could
have been me.
Yeah, well, Hal,
it could've been all of us.
Nope! No, that
car was sliced
right through
the driver's seat.
You and the boys would've
walked away without a scratch.
This totally sucks.
It's like an oven out here.
What is the point of wandering
aimlessly through traffic?
So we can find cool stuff
like this.
Smells like gasoline.
Reese, can't we just
go back to the car?
My feet are killing...
Ice cream man!
Go away!
There is no ice cream
in the truck!
He's lying!
There's tons of ice cream
in there!
The ice cream in the truck
is not for sale!
It is against the law
for me to sell ice cream
in the middle of traffic!
This is just wrong!
You could make money
and please children.
This is a senseless act.
You are evil--
pure evil!
Well, if you kids
are not willing
to discuss this sensibly...
You son of a...!
Look, there's nothing
you can do.
Yes, there is.
I can... I can...
And the Nobel
Prize goes to...
Hey, you're talking
about my brother.
Good one.
I'm Jessica-- gray Volvo.
Malcolm-- crappy minivan.
Do you want to go check
out the crash site?
Sure. You know, my dad
practically caused it.
Wow.
What time is it now?
It's still 4:00.
You have to wait
at least a minute
for the time
to change, dear.
What time is it in China?
Well, sweetie,
I think they're
a good 20 hour...
Do you speak Chinese?
Well, no. I...
Is Chinatown in China?
Honey, if you want
an answer to a question,
you have to first wait...
What does this toe do?
You know what? I need to
buy a pack of cigarettes--
for the first time
in 20 years.
Grape juice, please.
He's getting away!
Hello.
Think about it, Lois.
I stopped to tie my shoe
in the parking lot.
If I hadn't done that,
we would've been
on the road 20 seconds sooner.
I would've been 200 yards
ahead of where I was,
and then I would've
been the silver Toyota.
And if you hadn't
rented Body Heat,
we never would
have had Dewey.
It's all an intricate
tapestry, Hal.
Ma'am?
Yes. Hello... D-Did you
ask your supervisor?
Yes, and this phone is for
emergency roadside assistance
only, ma'am.
I can't connect you
to a private line.
Look, I have got to get
through to my babysit...
Look. J-Just let me talk
to the supervisor.
One moment, ma'am.
Hello. This is the supervisor.
No, it isn't.
You're just disguising
your voice.
No, I'm not.
I'm really the supervisor.
You can't do this!
Ma'am, I'm about to be replaced
by a machine.
I can do whatever
I damn well please.
H-Hey! Where do you think
you're going, young lady?
It's okay. My dad's an
investigator for the D.O.T.
Oh, there he is.
Hi, Daddy!
Okay.
Whoa. Your dad's
a crash investigator?
Here's a little
secret, Malcolm:
whenever you want something,
everybody's your dad.
Hi, Daddy!
Okay, she's cute, she's smart,
and she even lies to cops.
I may be in over my head here.
Forty-six!
Forty-seven!
Forty-eight!
And when you're constantly
moving from town to town,
it's really hard
to make friends.
So, yeah, I acted
out, I guess.
But who wouldn't
in my situation?
All right,
I got to let you off here.
Okay.
Sixty-one!
Sixty-two!
Sixty-three!
Sixty-two!
Sixty-one!
Sixty-two!
Sixty-three!
Malcolm, you have got
to check out this view.
Ow! I hate
pricker bushes.
What fruit are they
trying to protect anyway?
Do you see anything on
here worth protecting?
What are we
doing up here?
Just enjoying the sights.
And check out
that crazy lady.
So tell me about
this gifted class.
It's horrible.
I'm surrounded
by Krelboynes.
I have to do twice
as much homework
as anyone else
in my grade.
I have to take all these
college-prep classes...
What a nightmare.
If you're not careful,
you might get a full
scholarship to Harvard.
You don't understand.
Malcolm, you've been
bellyaching nonstop
for an hour and a half.
Seriously,
all you do is bitch.
I happen to bitch
the perfect amount
for someone
in my situation.
Today is the
perfect example.
Look at this mess.
What's good about this?
Well... if it weren't
for this...
we never would have met.
How could I not see that coming?
This girl's incredible!
Ow!
Ow!
Pricker bush.
And I keep rolling it
around in my head--
how much time do I have left?
And what have I done
with my life?
I mean, what is
my contribution?
You go home
at night knowing
that you have helped to make
the world a better place
by forging that thin blue line,
and that is real, man.
If I could just once
feel that sense
of accomplishment, it...
Do you know
how special you are?
Do you?
Z... Y... X...
W...
Okay, let me get this straight.
We have been waiting
all afternoon for a crane,
and now the crane is here.
That's right.
And the man who works
the crane, he's here, too.
That's right.
Then why is nothing happening?!
Look, we can't touch anything
until the investigators sign
off on the accident report.
Yeah, but they must have been
done hours ago. Where are they?
That's a whole
nother department.
It's really not
my job to know.
Start... the... crane.
You can't tell me what to do.
Hey, not so fast,
Charlie!
Ah! Let go of me!
What do you think
you're doing, huh?
Nothing! I'm just
going for a walk!
What the hell's going on?!
This kid was trying
to break into your truck.
Let go of me!
I just want
some damn ice cream.
You don't deserve ice cream.
Yeah, well, you don't deserve
to be an ice cream man!
Ow!
Come here, you punk!
You little punk!
That will teach you
to mess with me!
I was a surgeon in my country!
Way to go!
Hit me again.
Come on! Come on!
Ha!
Looks like the human body
can only accept 96 Quacks.
Check and mate.
Francis, just four more.
You can do it.
Can't...
Quacks...
Dying...
Hey, no one said he had
to eat all the Quacks.
They just have to be
inside his body, right?
He did it!
100 Quacks!
You got heart.
Hey, way to go,
Francis.
Man, that was way cooler
than the time
Davis did a thousand sit-ups.
Impossible.
I mean, Davis is
in pretty good shape,
but a thousand sit-ups?
You're just begging
for a double hernia.
Man, it's that kind
of small-minded thinking
that keeps you from
recognizing true greatness.
What are you
talking about?
You're always arguing
about something, man.
A thousand sit-ups?
Are you crazy?
Pleasure doing business
with you, Kyle.
Nice moves
out there, Erin.
And here's your share,
Mr. Wells.
That man left us no choice.
Try the green one!
Come on out
of there, ma'am.
You order them
to move this thing!
Let's just get you
out of the crane,
and then we'll have
a little talk.
Don't you dare patronize me.
Okay, you don't want
to be patronized?
I'll be blunt.
You're a control freak.
I see them all the time.
But guess what?
This is a traffic jam.
It is out of your control.
Yeah, but I...
You can't boss it around.
You can't yell at it
and expect it to listen.
I have been...
It will end when it ends!
You just have
to live with it.
There's absolutely nothing
you can do about it.
Whose damn dog is this?!
I said, whose damn dog is this?!
He's trapped inside.
All the windows are rolled up.
It's... it's, like,
90 degrees out here!
Okay, okay...
it is nobody's damn dog.
Then I guess nobody's
going to mind if I just do this!
Oh... don't be scared,
little doggy.
Oh, no.
Everything's going to be o...
Oh, poor thing.
Okay, I got it.
I was hoping
I could deliver a baby
in a taxicab or something,
but... a life is a life.
Oh, now look at you.
Huh? How did you get like this?
There you go, pal.
I'm impressed.
You actually have
a working first-aid kit.
We used to, but my brother
ate all the Band-Aids.
I think you'll live.
You know, I
was thinking,
maybe sometime
we can do something.
It'd be cool if...
You're from Canada?!
We're here on vacation.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because then you would have
spent the whole day grousing.
I knew this was
too good to be true.
I mean, why should I
get to meet someone
who's smart, funny,
not a Krelboyne,
not a member of my family?
But we did meet, Malcolm,
and it was awesome.
You know, it's okay
to enjoy something
even if it's just
for a little while.
Come on, we had fun.
No, we didn't.
You just said we did.
That was before I knew this
was all a big waste of time.
Doogie, come back
to the car, honey.
Bobby, get a
move on, sport.
Malcolm! Reese! Move!
I got to go.
Just pull out, Hal.
I am waiting my turn.
Malcolm!
Malcolm! Here's my phone number!
Call me!
That... was so much fun!
Who would have thought
a traffic jam would be so cool?
We should totally
do this again.
When are we going
on another road trip?
Oh, how about next week?
See you, kid.
Bye, Santa!
Hi, Mom.
Dewey, where's
the babysitter?
She went away.
You got rid
of another babysitter?
What is wrong
with you kids?
Then I drove off with
a potato chip man.
Then I picked apples.
Then we all went to jail.
Then I played the...
about my family:
we don't go on a lot of outings
together, but when we do,
there's a little tradition
we always end up observing.
When you say lifetime ban,
I mean, whose lifetime
are you talking about?
Ow! Mom, let my feet
touch the ground.
Don't you ever ask me
for anything ever again.
I should've just
given birth to chimps.
Then at least I know
to expect this kind of behavior.
Ow!
Believe it or not,
I actually envy Dewey.
He got to stay home and play
with the babysitter.
And then the ambulance came,
but there was this balloon.
And then I was chasing it,
and then I didn't know
where I was.
And then I chased a bag,
and then I really didn't know
where I was.
And then I saw you,
and I thought
maybe you could help me
because you helped that other
girl-- the one in the movie.
So if you could just
come to life and help me,
I'd really appreciate it.
Thanks anyway.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
It's 95 degrees outside.
It's 110 in here.
We have to run the heater
so the radiator
doesn't boil over.
Hal, stop swerving.
This darn silver Toyota's
been tailgating me
for the last three miles.
Just pull over,
let him pass.
Oh, flashing
the brights.
It's going to be
like that, huh?
Huh!
Good lord, Hal,
he could have a gun.
Just let him pass.
All right, silver Toyota,
you win this round.
Go ahead, get there
two seconds sooner!
That guy is just an accident
waiting to happen.
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
It's a good
thing I found you.
It's not very safe
for a little boy like you
to be all by yourself.
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
Oh, don't you worry.
I'm going to get you back home
to your parents.
They must be worried sick.
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
It's "E," dear.
♪ A, B, C, D, E. ♪
♪ E. ♪
I know.
♪ A, B, C, D ♪
♪ A, B, C, D... ♪
"Sugar, corn syrup and gelatin."
How can something so
simple be so delicious?
That stuff's nasty, Francis.
To the unsophisticated
palate, yes,
but to me, the Candy Quack
is nature's perfect food.
I'll bet I could eat
a hundred of them.
No way. All that marshmallow
would expand in your stomach.
You wouldn't get past 50.
Okay, there's where
you're wrong, Joe.
See, the marshmallow
wouldn't expand.
It would dissolve.
I'd never get full.
In fact, I don't...
Will you just shut up!
I have sat back
and said nothing
while you've gone on and on
about how you can eat
a hundred of this
and lift a hundred of that.
The Quacks would expand.
You're an idiot
if you think different.
Okay, let me tell
you something.
If I say I can eat
a hundred Quacks,
you can take that as
a bona fide guarantee.
And there's no need to resort
to personal attacks,
because I'd hate to raise
the whole issue of you
wearing boxers in the shower.
That was so cool.
Did you see that truck
jackknife and flip over
and that wheel fly
through the air?
An explosion
would've been nice,
but you can't
have everything.
Yeah, Reese,
this is great.
Now we're stuck
here for hours
with no food and no
air-conditioning.
I guess it could be worse.
I could be the guy
in the silver Toyota.
Why can't you just
open one lane?
Lady, we have to wait
for the crane to get here
before we can even think of
opening this road to traffic.
Yeah, but if you just moved a
couple of those police cars,
there'd be enough room to
just pass on the shoulder.
I mean, this is
just plain stupid.
Ma'am, don't call
a police officer stupid.
What, that's a law now?
Look, my freshman year,
I ate seven pounds of grapes
in one sitting.
I think I know what my body
is capable of.
We're not talking
about grapes, Francis.
We're talking
about pure sucrose.
The human body simply
cannot absorb the sugar
in 100 Quacks.
Yeah!
Hey, in extreme cases,
the human pancreas has
been known to increase
its insulin production
by up to 60%.
Yeah!
Listen, your pancreas can
produce enough insulin
to fill a swimming pool.
That doesn't mean squat
if your adrenal gland
can't distribute it
into your bloodstream
fast enough!
Yeah!
Gentlemen, gentlemen!
This argument is pointless.
One.
Look, look at that--
they're just standing around.
Yeah, 500 cars full of people
who actually have
someplace to go, and they're
just standing there talking.
What is there to discuss?!
Hey! Let me clear
something up for you!
This is a car wreck!
You're a road crew.
Do your job!
Are you even listening
to me?
That could
have been me.
Yeah, well, Hal,
it could've been all of us.
Nope! No, that
car was sliced
right through
the driver's seat.
You and the boys would've
walked away without a scratch.
This totally sucks.
It's like an oven out here.
What is the point of wandering
aimlessly through traffic?
So we can find cool stuff
like this.
Smells like gasoline.
Reese, can't we just
go back to the car?
My feet are killing...
Ice cream man!
Go away!
There is no ice cream
in the truck!
He's lying!
There's tons of ice cream
in there!
The ice cream in the truck
is not for sale!
It is against the law
for me to sell ice cream
in the middle of traffic!
This is just wrong!
You could make money
and please children.
This is a senseless act.
You are evil--
pure evil!
Well, if you kids
are not willing
to discuss this sensibly...
You son of a...!
Look, there's nothing
you can do.
Yes, there is.
I can... I can...
And the Nobel
Prize goes to...
Hey, you're talking
about my brother.
Good one.
I'm Jessica-- gray Volvo.
Malcolm-- crappy minivan.
Do you want to go check
out the crash site?
Sure. You know, my dad
practically caused it.
Wow.
What time is it now?
It's still 4:00.
You have to wait
at least a minute
for the time
to change, dear.
What time is it in China?
Well, sweetie,
I think they're
a good 20 hour...
Do you speak Chinese?
Well, no. I...
Is Chinatown in China?
Honey, if you want
an answer to a question,
you have to first wait...
What does this toe do?
You know what? I need to
buy a pack of cigarettes--
for the first time
in 20 years.
Grape juice, please.
He's getting away!
Hello.
Think about it, Lois.
I stopped to tie my shoe
in the parking lot.
If I hadn't done that,
we would've been
on the road 20 seconds sooner.
I would've been 200 yards
ahead of where I was,
and then I would've
been the silver Toyota.
And if you hadn't
rented Body Heat,
we never would
have had Dewey.
It's all an intricate
tapestry, Hal.
Ma'am?
Yes. Hello... D-Did you
ask your supervisor?
Yes, and this phone is for
emergency roadside assistance
only, ma'am.
I can't connect you
to a private line.
Look, I have got to get
through to my babysit...
Look. J-Just let me talk
to the supervisor.
One moment, ma'am.
Hello. This is the supervisor.
No, it isn't.
You're just disguising
your voice.
No, I'm not.
I'm really the supervisor.
You can't do this!
Ma'am, I'm about to be replaced
by a machine.
I can do whatever
I damn well please.
H-Hey! Where do you think
you're going, young lady?
It's okay. My dad's an
investigator for the D.O.T.
Oh, there he is.
Hi, Daddy!
Okay.
Whoa. Your dad's
a crash investigator?
Here's a little
secret, Malcolm:
whenever you want something,
everybody's your dad.
Hi, Daddy!
Okay, she's cute, she's smart,
and she even lies to cops.
I may be in over my head here.
Forty-six!
Forty-seven!
Forty-eight!
And when you're constantly
moving from town to town,
it's really hard
to make friends.
So, yeah, I acted
out, I guess.
But who wouldn't
in my situation?
All right,
I got to let you off here.
Okay.
Sixty-one!
Sixty-two!
Sixty-three!
Sixty-two!
Sixty-one!
Sixty-two!
Sixty-three!
Malcolm, you have got
to check out this view.
Ow! I hate
pricker bushes.
What fruit are they
trying to protect anyway?
Do you see anything on
here worth protecting?
What are we
doing up here?
Just enjoying the sights.
And check out
that crazy lady.
So tell me about
this gifted class.
It's horrible.
I'm surrounded
by Krelboynes.
I have to do twice
as much homework
as anyone else
in my grade.
I have to take all these
college-prep classes...
What a nightmare.
If you're not careful,
you might get a full
scholarship to Harvard.
You don't understand.
Malcolm, you've been
bellyaching nonstop
for an hour and a half.
Seriously,
all you do is bitch.
I happen to bitch
the perfect amount
for someone
in my situation.
Today is the
perfect example.
Look at this mess.
What's good about this?
Well... if it weren't
for this...
we never would have met.
How could I not see that coming?
This girl's incredible!
Ow!
Ow!
Pricker bush.
And I keep rolling it
around in my head--
how much time do I have left?
And what have I done
with my life?
I mean, what is
my contribution?
You go home
at night knowing
that you have helped to make
the world a better place
by forging that thin blue line,
and that is real, man.
If I could just once
feel that sense
of accomplishment, it...
Do you know
how special you are?
Do you?
Z... Y... X...
W...
Okay, let me get this straight.
We have been waiting
all afternoon for a crane,
and now the crane is here.
That's right.
And the man who works
the crane, he's here, too.
That's right.
Then why is nothing happening?!
Look, we can't touch anything
until the investigators sign
off on the accident report.
Yeah, but they must have been
done hours ago. Where are they?
That's a whole
nother department.
It's really not
my job to know.
Start... the... crane.
You can't tell me what to do.
Hey, not so fast,
Charlie!
Ah! Let go of me!
What do you think
you're doing, huh?
Nothing! I'm just
going for a walk!
What the hell's going on?!
This kid was trying
to break into your truck.
Let go of me!
I just want
some damn ice cream.
You don't deserve ice cream.
Yeah, well, you don't deserve
to be an ice cream man!
Ow!
Come here, you punk!
You little punk!
That will teach you
to mess with me!
I was a surgeon in my country!
Way to go!
Hit me again.
Come on! Come on!
Ha!
Looks like the human body
can only accept 96 Quacks.
Check and mate.
Francis, just four more.
You can do it.
Can't...
Quacks...
Dying...
Hey, no one said he had
to eat all the Quacks.
They just have to be
inside his body, right?
He did it!
100 Quacks!
You got heart.
Hey, way to go,
Francis.
Man, that was way cooler
than the time
Davis did a thousand sit-ups.
Impossible.
I mean, Davis is
in pretty good shape,
but a thousand sit-ups?
You're just begging
for a double hernia.
Man, it's that kind
of small-minded thinking
that keeps you from
recognizing true greatness.
What are you
talking about?
You're always arguing
about something, man.
A thousand sit-ups?
Are you crazy?
Pleasure doing business
with you, Kyle.
Nice moves
out there, Erin.
And here's your share,
Mr. Wells.
That man left us no choice.
Try the green one!
Come on out
of there, ma'am.
You order them
to move this thing!
Let's just get you
out of the crane,
and then we'll have
a little talk.
Don't you dare patronize me.
Okay, you don't want
to be patronized?
I'll be blunt.
You're a control freak.
I see them all the time.
But guess what?
This is a traffic jam.
It is out of your control.
Yeah, but I...
You can't boss it around.
You can't yell at it
and expect it to listen.
I have been...
It will end when it ends!
You just have
to live with it.
There's absolutely nothing
you can do about it.
Whose damn dog is this?!
I said, whose damn dog is this?!
He's trapped inside.
All the windows are rolled up.
It's... it's, like,
90 degrees out here!
Okay, okay...
it is nobody's damn dog.
Then I guess nobody's
going to mind if I just do this!
Oh... don't be scared,
little doggy.
Oh, no.
Everything's going to be o...
Oh, poor thing.
Okay, I got it.
I was hoping
I could deliver a baby
in a taxicab or something,
but... a life is a life.
Oh, now look at you.
Huh? How did you get like this?
There you go, pal.
I'm impressed.
You actually have
a working first-aid kit.
We used to, but my brother
ate all the Band-Aids.
I think you'll live.
You know, I
was thinking,
maybe sometime
we can do something.
It'd be cool if...
You're from Canada?!
We're here on vacation.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because then you would have
spent the whole day grousing.
I knew this was
too good to be true.
I mean, why should I
get to meet someone
who's smart, funny,
not a Krelboyne,
not a member of my family?
But we did meet, Malcolm,
and it was awesome.
You know, it's okay
to enjoy something
even if it's just
for a little while.
Come on, we had fun.
No, we didn't.
You just said we did.
That was before I knew this
was all a big waste of time.
Doogie, come back
to the car, honey.
Bobby, get a
move on, sport.
Malcolm! Reese! Move!
I got to go.
Just pull out, Hal.
I am waiting my turn.
Malcolm!
Malcolm! Here's my phone number!
Call me!
That... was so much fun!
Who would have thought
a traffic jam would be so cool?
We should totally
do this again.
When are we going
on another road trip?
Oh, how about next week?
See you, kid.
Bye, Santa!
Hi, Mom.
Dewey, where's
the babysitter?
She went away.
You got rid
of another babysitter?
What is wrong
with you kids?
Then I drove off with
a potato chip man.
Then I picked apples.
Then we all went to jail.
Then I played the...