Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 16 - Water Park - full transcript

Who wants to make
five bucks?

How?
How?

I need someone

to take the fall.

- Oh, my God!
- What did you do?

I can't tell you.

Yes or no, no questions asked.

Oh, my God!

Make it ten.

Done.

Oh, my God!



You're a good son.
I got him, honey!

I got him!
Don't worry.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪



There you go--
all pink and shiny.

Mmm. Boys?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Ooh! Feel ten pounds lighter.

You ready?

Oh, yeah. Go.

Uh, aah...

Dad got us
free tickets

to the water slide
park from work.

It takes two days
to prep him,

but it's worth it.

Ooh, smooth as a seal.

Ready for that water slide.

You know, we haven't been
on an outing in a long time.

It's nice when we can do things
together as a family.

Do what together?

Why can't I go?

Dewey, we discussed this.

You have to stay home
because of your ear infection.

I never get to go.

Honey, I know it seems
like a pattern,

but it's just this.

And Disneyland.

Oh, and that
chocolate factory tour.

You know,
maybe it's time you stopped

sticking dirty things
in your ears.

Hey, Dewey.

How's the ear?

Stop teasing
him, Reese!

You know, if your father
doesn't find a babysitter,

nobody's going anywhere
and we'll just see
who's crying then!

Oh, no, no, no.
It's just the little one.

Yeah, the other two
aren't going to be
anywhere near you.

Ever since
I can remember,

we've always had trouble
with babysitters.

Hello!

Goochy, goochy,
goochy, goo.

Goochy, goochy...

I don't know, sweetie.

What do you have
behind your back?

You little losers!

I've had enough of this.

You open this door
right now.

Okay, look. I'm a little
claustrophobic, okay?

Just open the door!
Just let me out!

Come on!

I don't know.

I'm starting to think
it might be us.

Well, you'd think I'd get bored

wiping the floor with my cadets.

God knows
we enjoy it, sir.

Do you know what
your problem is, cadet?

Discipline.

Anything worth doing
is worth doing well.

Whatever I do,
whether it's teaching you boys

or mastering tai chi,
or playing pool...

I focus.

I push myself.

But you don't commit
to anything, son.

You're never going
to be a winner

because you do everything
half-assed.

Oh, regrettable.

You may have spoken too soon,
sir.

I think you'll find I play pool
with my whole ass.

Eight ball, corner pocket.

Damn.

Ah, the fatal scratch.

Once again,
I waltz with Lady Victory.

And until you focus,
Francis,

she is never going to be
your dance partner.

Thank you so much for coming
on such short notice.

And it was so nice
of your agency

to give us a second chance.

You two are going to have
so much fun together.

Don't you dare hurt her.

Hurry,
the sun's coming up!

Do you want to play something?

No.

Hey, hey, look, kids.

Only 12 more miles
to Wavetown, USA.
Yay.

So, Malcolm, you
going to go down the
Liquidator this time?

Don't pressure
the boy, Hal.

I'm not pressuring him.
I'm just asking.

He's scared enough
as it is

without you making
a big deal out of it.

Hey, Mom, doesn't
Malcolm have to wear

his nose plug
for his sinuses?
Shut up.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot it.

Listen, honey, you just be
very careful then, okay?

Don't worry,
here it is.

Oh. Thank you,
Reese.

Oh, my gosh,
look at this!

This is awesome!

I can't wait
to get on the rides.

Malcolm, don't think
you can take off

that nose plug
just because I'm not looking.

You're going
to wear it all day.

But I'm not even in the water.

Hey. If I catch you,
for even one second,

not wearing that nose plug,

you're going to spend the day

in the kiddie
sprinkler.

So what do you want
to do first?

What makes you think I want
to do anything with you?

What's your problem?

That nose plug thing
was bogus.

You crossed the line, Reese.

What?!

You sold me out to Mom.

It would've been different

if I had done
something to you, but...

that was
totally cold-blooded.

Don't be
such a baby.

What you did to me
was an act of war.

And believe me,
I will get you back.

You won't know where or when,
but you're gonna pay.

You sound funny.

You...

you wanted to see me, sir?

I just got a call
from the sheriff

that a cocksure,
smart-mouthed youth

looking very much like yourself

has been hustling pool
at the local bars.

Really, sir?

You are in serious trouble,
cadet.

I can explain...

Why have you been holding back

when we've played pool?

What?

I want to know why
you've been letting me win.

Sir, if I
played for real

I'd just end up
humiliating you

in front of the
whole school, and...

and you'd, you know,
torture us all for it.

Really, nothing good
could come from it, and

and, besides,
winning seems to
make you so happy.

I am not a child.

Do you really think me

so petty that I would throw
a tantrum

over something so small
as a game of pool?!

My mistake, sir.

We are going to play again.

And you are going to give me

your best game, cadet.

And to make sure of that,
if you don't win...

picture yourself, 0400, awakened
from sweet dreams of Mommy,

sent outside
into the bitter cold

to raise our school colors

and stand at attention
for three hours

until reveille is called.

Now, picture that

for 230 consecutive days.

But what if I try my best
and I still lose?

Then you shall be miserable
indeed.

Dismissed.

Remember, honey,
how I promised you

that exotic
island vacation,

but we had to go have
children instead?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I was thinking

maybe today could be
our little island getaway.

We've got the sun,
the sand, the palm trees.

And I brought
the cocktails.

It's Malibu rum
in a lotion bottle

so no one will know
the difference.

You are so cute when
you sneak in alcohol.

Hey, Reese,
I think I just saw
that girl you liked.

You know, the one
with the really long
blonde hair.

April?
April, that's her.

Why'd you say you
liked her again?

She's real trampy.

I hear she kisses
with tongue.

Is that true, April?

Jerk!

Now we're even.

You geek, you deserved it!

Ow!

Get out of here!

I think
those are ours.

All right.
No. I'll take
care of it.

Ow!

Malcolm, Reese, knock it off!

Can I watch TV?

No.

Can I play video games?

No.

What can I do?

Something quiet.

Quieter.

I can do this.

Keep your arms and legs
crossed at all times.

Do not bend your legs.

Do not raise your head.

Remove all piercings.

You may have nothing
around your neck.

Enjoy the ride.

Okay, here it goes.

On three.

One...

two...

three...!

Hey, there, girlie.

Let me adjust your bra strap.

Now we're even.

Oh, no, no,
no, no.

First, we sort
by the number of holes,

then by color.

What's in your mouth?

Nothing.

There are at least
20 things I will
not tolerate,

and lying is one of them.

Spit it out.

You're eating my buttons.

I wasn't eating.
I was saving.

What are you?
A hamster?

What were you
saving it for?

I don't know.

It's pretty.
It's my favorite one.

You know... actually,
it's my favorite, too.

What do you think
of this one?

It's ugly. I hate it.

So do I.

My, you're a, you're
a smart little boy.

You seem to be practicing
pretty hard.

I hope you're
not planning

on doing something stupid,
like winning.

Look, guys, I know
you want me to lose,

but Spangler insisted
I play a real game.

Francis, you can't win.

If you do, Spangler's
going to take it out on us.

Remember when Hendrix
beat him playing horse

on a lucky shot?

We couldn't watch anything
but PBS for a week.

And that was during
pledge drive, man.

Guys, come on.
Do you have any idea

what Spangler's going
to do to me if I lose?

Do you know what we're going
to do to you if you win?

Where were we?

Mom! You have
to stop Reese!

He's being
a total jerk!

Malcolm, does it look like
I'm open for business?

You have done nothing
but pester us.

Is it too much to ask

that your father and I
enjoy one day?

But Reese is the one...
I don't want to hear it.

You either take care
of this yourself

or I'm gonna lock
the two of you in the car

for the rest of the day.
I mean it.

Lifeguard, help!

My brother--
he can't swim.

Out of the way, guys!

Drowning boy!

Out of the way!

Drowning boy!

Drowning boy!
Drowning boy!

Drowning boy!

Give him some air, guys.

Give him some air.
Back up.

Sir!

Let the people
who work here
do that.

Now we're even.

And then I was playing
with my imaginary friend,

and Reese hit me
because he said

I shouldn't talk to myself.

Well, Reese is a
horrid little boy.

I mean, there's nothing
wrong with having

an imaginary friend.

I talk to my Harold
all the time.

You do?
Of course.

He's here right now.

Would he like a cookie?

Sure.

No, no, no.

He's over there.

Yes!
Yes!

Sorry, sir.

It's understandable, cadet.

I've seen professionals
do much worse.

I guess the pool gods
are smiling on me today.

But then, the pool gods
can be fickle.

That's okay, sir.

You'll win the next one.

Sir, what are
you doing?

I think I'm losing.

And gracefully, I'd
like to be noted.

But you could have
made that shot.

I could say
the same thing to you.

There were at least
a dozen shots

that you've held back on.

But since you seem
to be motivated more

by losing,

I'm going to beat you
at your own game.

Huh?

I'm going down, cadet.

I'm going down hard.

But, sir, these guys are going
to kick my ass if I win.

Well, that's just gravy.

May the best man lose.

Fudge! It seems
I've scratched again.

Well, you seem to be
on a roll, cadet.

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ I'm mixin' business
with leather ♪

♪ Christmas with Heather ♪

♪ Freaks flock together ♪

♪ Makin' all the B-boys scream ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ Turn it up now ♪

♪ Turn it up now ♪

♪ All right ♪
♪ All right ♪

♪ Turn it up now ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ Word up to the man thing ♪

♪ She's always cold lamping ♪

♪ Visine at the canteen ♪

♪ I just want
to watch you dance. ♪

♪ Can you hear the drums,
Fernando? ♪

♪ I remember long ago
another starry night like this ♪

♪ In the firelight, Fernando ♪

♪ You were humming to yourself ♪

♪ And softly strumming
your guitar ♪

♪ I could hear
the distant drums ♪

♪ And sounds of bugle calls
were coming from afar ♪

♪ There was something in the air
that night ♪

♪ The stars were bright,
Fernando ♪

♪ They were shining there
for you and me ♪

♪ For liberty, Fernando ♪

♪ Though we never thought
that we could lose ♪

♪ There's no regret ♪

♪ If I had to do
the same again ♪

♪ I would, my friend, Fernando ♪

♪ There was something in the air
that night ♪

♪ The stars were bright... ♪

Before you say
anything, Malcolm,

I just want to tell you,

I don't want to hear it.

Can't you give your mother
and me five minutes of peace?

You know what? You can
have the rest of the day

because I've given up.

I'm not going to have
any fun anyway, so why try?

As long as we're
on the same page.

Today sucked.

I've done nothing
except chicken out,

get laughed at
and fight with Reese.

So now I'm just
going to lie down,

enjoy the sun and wait for them
to take me home.

Now we're even.

Now we're...

Boys!

Reese,

I've done some soul-searching
in the last few minutes

and hereby offer my complete
and full apology.

It was very wrong of me.

I'm truly sorry for my childish
and inappropriate behavior

and I'd like to think that
the terrible guilt I'm feeling

is punishment enough for...

Hey, there's no
cutting in line.

Oh, it's you again.

Reese, I am
so sorry.

I really, really mean it.

Do you think we're wealthy?!

What?!

Do you think we're wealthy?

Wealthy people

drive fancy cars.

They buy fresh pasta.

Do we do any of those things?

No! Wealthy people

can afford
to have their vacations ruined.

No big deal. They just pick up
and they go again.

Your father and I

work so hard.

We work so long.

What is wrong with you two?!

Are you aborigines?!

Every time I turn around,
I hear someone

screaming and fighting,
and I pray to God

it's someone else's kids,
but it's not.

It's always you!

Sane children
would appreciate this,

but you have to keep nattering
at each other like a couple

of rabid monkeys!

It is not enough
that you do this every day.

You have to make me suffer, too.

So help me!

Don't you dare!

Arms and legs crossed
at all times!

That is the bravest thing
I've ever seen you do.

Yeah.

You're going to die.

I know.

So, do you think
she's okay?

This is the last time
I take you boys anywhere!

Good playing, cadet.

Same to you, sir.

Hey, who won?

Who cares, man?