Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 22 - Mini-Bike - full transcript

Oh, my God. Hal, look at this.

We still have a Christmas
present for one of the boys.

I wonder what it is.

Reese ever get that
football jersey?

I can't remember.

Well, you know, honey,

the boys got so much for
Christmas last year,

they don't even appreciate
what they have.

If we save it for his birthday,

it'll be that much more special.

Hal, this one's for you.



Oh, boy! You did get me

that DVD player I've
been hoping for.

I thought you forgot.

To be honest with you,

I've been holding a
grudge for months.

Now I get to watch all
those DVDs I've got hidden

in the garage.

Oh.

Jumper cables.

Thank you, honey.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Oh, this is ridiculous.

Craig has been in
there for 45 minutes.

♪ God, I hope I get it ♪

♪ I hope I get it ♪

♪ How many people does he need? ♪

How long is he going
to be living with us?

Look, we have to be
patient with him.

We burned the man's house down.

♪ How many boys, how many girls? ♪

♪ He doesn't like
the way I look ♪

♪ He doesn't like
the way I dance ♪

♪ He doesn't like the way... ♪

That's it, we're
opening the door.

Someone go get me a coat hanger.

I did that yesterday, Dad.

Trust me, don't go in there.

He's done when he's done.

Hey, everyone.

Say good morning, Jellybean.

Oh...

dear Lord.

We burned his house down.

You know, I'm really excited

about this father-son
weekend at Marlin.

Spend some time with Francis,
do some male bonding,

maybe even a survival hike.

You have your fluffy pillow?

Right here.

I'm really going to miss you.

Oh...

Come with me.

I can't. I'm not allowed.

It's fathers and sons only.

Well, I'll hide you.

No one will know.

You can be my dirty
little secret.

Now this is nice.

And don't you worry
about a thing, Hal.

I'll take as good care of
your house as you did mine.

I'm just kidding.

I won't burn your house down.

But that's all in the past.
Totally forgotten.

Better get going, though.
Don't want to be late.

Thanks.

Bye, honey.

Bye. Bye.

Uh, Lois,

I'm aware this isn't the most
comfortable situation here,

having me around all the time,

the forbidden fruit, as it were.

Especially now, with Hal gone.

Yeah, Craig, it's not...
But, shh...

Whatever feelings we shared...

that's in the past.

That part of us is dead now.

Craig, I... Shh, shh, shh!

Let's
not rekindle this.

You know, if you're not allowed

to keep a squirrel
in your locker,

they should put up a sign.

I'm not psychic. I
can't read minds.

Look.

No, Dewey, let's go.

No, it's a minibike.

Someone's just throwing it away?

Man, that would be
so cool to have.

Wait! Wait!

Wait.

You can't throw that out.

This?

It's a piece of trash.

What are you talking about?

That's not trash.

You don't know what trash is.

I am a garbage man.

Look, why don't you
give us the bike?

Maybe we can fix it
up or something.

What's it worth to you?

What? We don't have any money.

You were just about
to throw it away.

Give you 30 bucks.

Done.

Where'd you get 30 bucks?

What are you, a cop?

Hey, Lois.

Just fighting Father Time.

Craig, I have to
work late tonight.

Would you mind feeding the boys?

No problem.

Thanks.

So, uh, I'm in charge, then?

All you have to do is fix
them some dinner. Right.

But I'm completely in charge.

They got to listen to me.

Dance for me.

That's right, dance. Why?

'Cause I'm in
charge, that's why.

We burned his house down.

Look at it. It was just dirty.

The paint job's perfect.

And all it needs is a spark
plug and a carburetor

and it'll be working.

We can get that stuff
off Dad's lawnmower.

This minibike is
the coolest thing

we've ever had in our lives.

This totally makes up for
all the years of crap.

This is the only thing
we've ever shared.

This is the only thing we've
had that's worth sharing.

The first thing I'm gonna do

is go down to Principal
Littledove's house

and cut donuts on
his front lawn.

Okay, why don't you take
it tomorrow and Wednesday

and I'll take it on...
Excuse me?

What? What are you doing?

Nothing, I'm just
making up a schedule.

Why do you get to
make up the schedule?

What's the problem?

I'm giving you the first day.

So what?

You're not the boss of everyone.

Look, I'm the one who put
together the engine.

Well, I'm the one
that paid for it.

You wouldn't even have
it if I didn't see it.

Shut up, Dewey.

You shut up!

Look, it's not even fixed yet.

There's no point in fighting...

I get it on Sundays!

You do not!

Dewey, you're too short
to even ride it.

I'm in the 40th percentile.

And you're too
stupid to ride it.

Would you guys chill out?

Shut up! Yeah, Malcolm!

You may be able to boss around

your loser Krelboynes,

but normal people don't
have to listen to you.

Quit talking and hit him.

You don't have any friends.

Mom told you you're never
allowed to talk about that.

Let's have a hand

for Cadet Drew and his father,

direct from the showrooms

of Atlantic City.

That was just riveting.

And, now, we have a few
more awards to give out.

Now, now,

we have a lot of students, and
they all deserve recognition.

The award for the
best history essay

by a junior or
sophomore goes to...

Cadet Eric.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

We're so proud of our Eric.

We're the luckiest
dads in the world.

It was a great essay.

I had a shot at the "C" till
he screwed up the curve.

They sure are giving out
a lot of awards, huh?

Yeah, I'm sorry. This
is just ridiculous.

He gives these things
out like candy.

And now

the award for the cadet

who has shown the
most improvement.

This young lad came to Marlin
as a delinquent jack-a-ninny

without the slightest
sign of potential.

And yet, in a mere
year and a half,

he has started

to turn himself around.

He's not all the way there yet,

but he is on the
path to becoming

an outstanding member
of the Marlin family.

I proudly present...

Cadet Gordie.

This is nice, you know?

Sitting around with family,
eating together, sharing.

What'd you do today, buddy?

Nothing. I'm too short.

I wouldn't worry
about that, sport.

I bet you probably
have the biggest head

in your whole class.

Am I too stupid to
have some more peas?

I don't think there are
any rules on that, Chief.

Yeah, this is nice.

I remember when I was your
age, not a care in the world.

Me and my imaginary brother

outside in the yard
building forts all day.

Yep, good times.

Where do you think you're going?

To the garage!

Not alone, you're not!

I'm coming, too!

You're all excused.

Kids.

Hey, genius,

you going to be done
any time this year?

If you'd just shut up and left
me alone, it'd be fixed by now.

You two disgust me.

All right, this should do it.

Let me do it.

I'm doing it. Me, me, me, me!

I told
you I could fix it.

Way to go, jackass. Now
get out of my way.

Get off! It's mine! No!

It's mine! Get off!

It's mine! Mine! Move!

I found it and I fixed it!

It's mine! Leave it alone!

It's mine!

It's nobody's!

What's wrong with you kids?

You're not allowed to
have a motorcycle.

What are you doing?
Yeah, that's ours!

We paid for it with
our own money!

Well, that was pretty
stupid of you, wasn't it?

There's no way you're
having a motorcycle.

But, Mom, it's not a motorcycle.

It's just a little minibike.

It's a motorcycle.

It's not a motorcycle!

It's two feet high.

It was made
specifically for kids.

Two wheels. Motor. Motorcycle.

Look, I... I understand
that, uh, Francis

is never going to
be the perfect kid.

You see, what I'm
asking for here

is, is just a little...
ray of hope.

Anything at all?

Francis is...

...not interested in learning.

Francis is...

interested in causing trouble.

I'm sorry to have to say that,
but I have seen his type before.

All he likes to do

is flout authority.

He has contempt for rules.

He lives to undermine
and destroy.

He feels no compunction...

Okay.

I get it.

Isn't there anything
positive you can tell me?

Sorry.

Oh, wait.

Yes?

Do you want chicken
or fish tonight?

Look, Mom, I don't
think you realize

how much we really
want this bike.

I looked over your tax return,
and I think I could save you

about $1,200...

if you make it worth my while.

No.

You know that dog that
keeps you up every night?

I could take him for a little...
"walk."

No!

I want it! I want it!

I hate you! I want it!

I wish I was dead!

Detailed information on
every unsolved breakage

or disappearance in this house
for the last two years.

No!

Doing laundry, huh?

Yes, Craig.

Well, don't even think
of doing my stuff.

I'm the only guy that
handles my used underpants,

thank you very much.

Of course, shame to
waste electricity

if you got the room.

Okay, Mom, we thought about it

and we understand

that you're worried
about us getting hurt,

so we promise we'll
always wear helmets

when we ride the minibike.

And in addition to the helmets,

we'll also wear
elbow and knee pads

no matter how dorky we look.

And we'll only ride
it in the park.

And only under your supervision

when you say so and
when you're with us.

No.

Wait!

No!

This isn't fair!

You don't get to just say no!

Yes, I do. No, you don't!

You can't just make
a blanket statement

that covers everything.

There has to be some scenario

where you'll let
us ride the bike.

I mean, what if I was
a trained athlete

who practiced on a
simulator for 15 years

and wore Kevlar body armor
in a field of marshmallows?

I would still say no.

Now stop bothering me.

I don't know, Lois.

The boys sound pretty
reasonable to me.

Stay out of this, Craig.

Hey! I live here, too, don't I?

Sorry, baby.

Mom's just doing this
'cause she can't stand

that we were actually
working together.

I know. Fixing that bike up was
the best time we ever had.

I never wanted it to end.

Yeah. We were a perfect team.

We still are.

The three of us, we're
going to work together

and find a way to beat her.

She's going down.

Hey... wait a minute.

Boys! I need some help!

Oh.

What's this?

Looks like a picture
of you on a horse.

What were you,
about Dewey's age?

What are you doing with this?

This looks awfully dangerous.

Look at that.

No padding, no helmet.

Did you ever fall?

What does this have
to do with...?

We're asking the questions.

So, according

to your logic,

a two-foot fall from a minibike

is more dangerous
than a six-foot fall

from a galloping horse?

That was a long time ago.

Before gravity?

I don't have time
for this right now.

I have to get ready...

I have to go to work.

Did you see that?

We totally rattled her! Yeah!

We did it!

It worked!

We've got Mom!

What?

There's a chink in the armor!

We're going to do it!

If we just play it cool,
have a little patience,

we'll have the minibike
by the end of the week!

No, we won't.

It's broken.

What?

I snuck it out for a ride.

And you know what?

They are dangerous.

You think Mom will notice?

You moron! Do you have any
idea what you've done?

We were so close! We had her!

That's what I figured.

I wouldn't have
taken it otherwise.

I'm not an idiot.

I can't believe you would...

How was it?

It was awesome.

I looked really cool doing it.

I could see my reflection
in the car windows

right up until I
hit the mailbox.

Sometimes you just embarrass me.

It's okay. Mom doesn't
have to find out.

I'll be fine.

My leg's really starting
to feel better.

Let's see it. Ow!

Hi, Mom! Hello.

Look, boys, I was
thinking about it,

and, uh, you're old enough
to deserve an explanation.

I was...

You don't always know
what's best for us!

You don't know that we
would have gotten hurt!

There's such a thing as trust!

I really think we've earned it!

Reese, I'm not saying that I...
I don't have

to sit here and listen to this!

Yes, you do. Oh, right.

Look, I'll tell you what.

How about I take you to the
skateboard park tonight, huh?

How does that sound?

Actually, I'm pretty tired.

Me, too, and I think I
really want to get a jump

on next week's homework.

What's going on?

You guys are...

Lois! Lois!

Oh, for God's sake!

What is it now?

What's the matter, Craig?

What does it say on this jar?

"Craig."

Well, I'm glad someone
around here can read.

These jars come with
14 pickles in them.

I had three yesterday,
two for lunch today

and one-and-a-half for a snack,

and now there are six-and-a-half
pickles in this jar!

Simple math indicates...

Are you counting the
one in your hand?

Okay, false alarm.

We burned his house down.
We burned his house down.

Oh, this is the guy.

This is Francis.

What I want to know is,

how did you get the cow

onto the roof of the gymnasium

in the first place?

Ah, that was easy.

The parachute was the problem.

Did you know those
things don't open

unless you're thousands
of feet in the air?

You live, you learn.

Did I ever tell you about that?

No.

Look at this: archery,
debating, field hockey...

Look at all these
clubs and teams,

and you're not in any of them.

There isn't even a picture
of you in the yearbook.

Look under Pete Zahut.

I don't want to look
under Pete Zahut.

No, no, no, if you say it
fast, it sounds like...

I don't believe this.

Francis... don't you
care about anything?

What?

In a school filled
with problem children,

you're the worst one here.

Wait, that's not true.

I can think of three other guys

with longer records than I have.

We have worked and we've worked,

trying anything we can think
of to turn you around,

but nothing seems to
get through to you.

Come on, Dad.

No. You don't give a damn
about anything but yourself!

And, Francis, I don't
like saying these things,

but what am I supposed to do?

I-I feel like I have to
give up on my own son.

Dad...

You know, I can't even
look at you right now.

I don't remember if
we're hating each other

or liking each other,
but either way

I appreciate this.

Ah, it's been two hours, Reese.

The swelling isn't going down.

Look, you can see his heartbeat.

Oh, man. We really need to
get you to the hospital.

We can't! Mom will kill us if
she finds out about the bike.

This isn't about the bike!

We're screwed for
the next five years

on anything we'd like to do.

There's got to be some way we
can get you to the hospital

before she finds out.

Then we could come up
with a cover story.

Could you handle that?
Because I'm going to scream

into my pillow for the
next five minutes.

There's got to be some
way we can do this.

Have you seen
Jellybean's sweater?

I don't know why we have to
go all the way across town.

Seems kind of silly.

Craig, I promise, it's the
best ice cream in town.

Yeah, well, I'll be
the judge of that.

What was that?

Ow!

Ow, my leg!

Ow. Ow.

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Oh, my God! What did I do?
What did I do?

You ran over his leg!

What happened?

Oh, my God! Reese!

Ow!

Ow!

Oh, for God's sakes, Jonathan,
pull yourself together.

He'll be home for your birthday.

You got a problem?

An untucked

shirttail, Cadet?

Is that what we teach you here?

To disgrace your uniform?

I think not.

Sir, his shirt
just came untucked

when he was hugging his father.

You can't yell at him

for hugging his father.

Francis... No.

No, I'm glad you saw this.

This is exactly what
I was talking about.

Always undermining my authority.

Day in, day out,
it's the same thing.

Like when I had Cadet Dooley
run 600 laps of the perimeter

for an inside-out
pillowcase violation,

Francis organizes a sit-in.

Or when I cut off
the electricity

to the fifth floor for
a contraband boom box,

he hijacks a generator

for them.

The boy lives to cause chaos.

He was hugging his dad!

In front of his own father,

he still defies
me at every turn.

And every time something
like that happens,

he challenges you?

Every time.

Even when he knows
he'll get in trouble?

That doesn't seem to
matter to him at all.

I understand.

I will deal with you later.

Look, Dad, I just want to...

Shut up, son.

Oh, come here.

I can't believe that
plan actually worked.

We came up with it in,
like, two seconds.

Maybe we should do more
things half-assed.

Hey, Reese, how's your leg?

Not bad.

The pain goes away
when I black out.

You guys want anything to drink?

Sure. Great. All right.

One more thing.

Did you really think
I wouldn't notice

a busted up minibike
half-buried in the sandbox?

Jellybean and I are leaving now.

Once again, I'm very sorry.

I can't even look you
people in the eye.

I think we'll call
this one a wash.

I love you, Francis.

Good-bye.

Love you, too, Dad.