Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 21 - Malcolm vs. Reese - full transcript

Hey, Mom.

Want to buy a worm?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Well, let's get you cleaned up.

Don't forget your ears, Dewey!

Okay!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Hey, you!

When Francis is home,
anything we do is fun.

I mean, we're just watching

some stupid TV show,
but it doesn't matter.

This totally rules.

This totally sucks!

Isn't there anything
fun to do around here?



I've got some chalk.

We could draw some dead guy
outlines on the sidewalk.

Boring.

Mom's not home.

We could play cantaloupe ball.

We did that last
time I was home.

Come on, guys, think!

I'd be up for the
chalk outline thing.

Kitty's at the end
of an ear infection.

He'll need drops
three times a day.

Now, Jellybean likes to have

a half-cup of wet
food in one bowl

and a half-cup of
dry in another.

Now, he likes the juice

from the wet half
poured onto the dry.

Now, no overfeeding.

I mean that, mister.

Okay, maybe tomorrow.

I can't say no to you.

Craig, can we
speed things up?

We've got Jellybean's
emergency numbers.

We know where his sweaters are.

You showed us how to
take his temperature.

Is there anything else
Dewey needs to know?

I guess that's it, sport.

Now, taking care of
another living thing

is a big responsibility.

Are you sure you're
up to the challenge?

Mm-hmm.

Don't worry, Craig.
I have a feeling

Dewey's going to do a great job.

Great, and when the
long weekend is over,

you'll have earned
five whole dollars.

You told Mom ten. Right, ten.

Aren't you a good little listener?
Ow!

I'm not so sure about this, Hal.

Are you sure that Dewey
can handle this?

Aw, it's no big deal, honey.

A job is a good thing for a boy.

It teaches him the
value of money.

It gives him a little
self-confidence.

Besides, Craig's new place

is only two blocks
from our house.

Hey, you can see our
backyard from here.

Hey... I almost forgot to
show you my itinerary.

Yeah, the convention
lasts three days.

I'll be back early
Monday evening.

Wow, Craig, I had no idea you
were so into comic books.

Well, it's not like
I'm a freak about it.

It just helps me keep
my life in perspective.

You know, somehow my
problems seem insignificant

when compared to Richie Rich's.

Well, it's time to say
good-bye, Jelly Belly.

Come give Daddy
some kissy-kisses.

I love you...

Yes, I do-do-do...
do-do-do-do-...

I know,
son, but a job's a job.

Big news, guys.

Things are going to get a lot
more interesting around here.

What's up?

I forget--

you guys enjoy
wrestling, don't you?

Rage in the Cage?!

Oh, my God! You're the
best brother ever!

We're going to have so much f...

That's only two tickets.

I know.

How am I ever going to decide
which one of you to take?

You deliberately bought two
tickets just to torment us?

No, of course not.

I bought them to see
who loves me the most.

Now, I know you both love me...

but I bet one of you loves
me just a little bit more.

No. No way. We're not doing
another butt-kissing contest.

There's got to be another way.

Okay, fine. Who's got a quarter?

Here. Great.

You're in the lead.

Maybe you should
make me a sandwich.

Oh, come on, guys.
It's Rage in the Cage!

You should be happy!

We are happy.

Well, you're not doing
the happy dance.

Happy dance, happy dance,
we love to do the happy dance.

Happier.

Happy dance, happy dance,

we love to do the happy dance.

Happier.

Happy dance, happy dance,
we love to do the...!

A half-cup of
wet food in one bowl

and a half-cup of
dry in another.

He likes the juice
from the wet half

poured onto the dry.

Jellybean also likes you
better than your brothers.

Everyone likes you better
than your brothers.

Someday, you're going to
be president of Idaho

and anyone taller than you
will be fed to wolves.

Time for your
eardrops, Jellybean.

Okay, Jellybean, stop hiding.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Okay, come on.

Please don't go
outside, Jellybean.

Don't be scared, Jellybean.

They're just eardrops. See?

Jellybean!

Jellybean!

♪ ♪

Turn.

Hey, Ma, can I borrow the car
to go over to Richie's house?

Uh, no.

Why not?

Because whenever you return
the car, it's always filthy.

That is so unfair.

You always assume
the worst of me.

Assume? I see it.

How am I going to show you
that I've actually grown up

if you never give
me the chance?!

Okay, I'm listening.

Okay, how about if I wash
the car before I take it?

And I'll rake the leaves and
I'll scoop out the gutters,

and if that's not enough,
I'll clean the whole attic!

Mom, give him a break.

Okay, you got yourself a deal.

Bring it home in one piece.

You need anything ironed, Mom?

Dewey? You in here, son?

What's wrong, son?

You were supposed to
be home hours ago.

I can't do anything right.

Dewey.

Where's Jellybean?

I left the door open,
and he ran away.

Oh, dear.

Do we have to tell Mom?

Well, this is a very
serious situation, son.

Of course we're not going
to tell your mother.

Really?

Really.

But I think it might
be a little bit

too much responsibility
for your first job.

Hey, don't worry,
we'll find Jellybean.

But I've been looking for hours.

Well, that's your
first lesson, Dewey.

Sometimes it takes a lot
of time and hard work

to accomplish something.

But what if Jellybean's hurt?

It's dark outside.

Let me tell you a
little something

about cats, all right?

They're nocturnal creatures,

which means they
prefer the night.

Then again, so do
coyotes and feral dogs

and devil worshippers.

My point is that
Jellybean is fine.

He'll come home when
he's good and ready.

We're just going to put a
little bowl of food out,

and he'll come back.

Are you sure?

Trust me, tomorrow morning,
everything is going to be fine.

Dad! Jellybean's bowl is empty!

He was here!

You're the smartest
man in the world!

Yes!

No sign of forced entry.

I just don't see how
these guys got in.

It's a mystery.

You left the window open.

Mystery solved. I'm sorry,

what is it you say
you're doing here again?

We're watching the cat
while the owner's away.

I don't see a cat.

We're not doing a very good job.

Hello?

Hal?

Oh, Craig! Hi!

How's the convention?

Fantastic.

I've picked up some
great bargains.

You would not believe some
of the idiots that are here.

Anyhow, I just called to
see how Jellybean's doing.

Oh, fine. He's a frisky
little guy, you know.

Oh, get off the TV, Jellybean!

That reminds me--

could you hit the timer
button on my VCR?

I want to tape Arliss.

Uh...

Sure, no problem.

Hey, Hal, um, I don't want you
to think I'm weird, but...

could you put Jellybean
on the phone?

Uh, yeah, let me just...

pick him up, yeah...

There he is!

Okay...

Okay, I got his
ear to the phone!

Hey, Jellybean!

How's my widdle pussycat?

Have you been a good boy

while I've been away?

I love you, honey.

Give Daddy a kiss.

Jellybean?

I got to tell you, Reese,
you are doing a great job.

I am very impressed.

Thank you.

Here?

Nah, one over.

I just want to point out

that Malcolm has
not done a thing,

and I have been carrying
you around all afternoon.

Don't think your enthusiasm

and that pathetic
look of desperation

are going unnoticed.

Here you go, Francis.

What's this?

Your English term paper

on the rise of the novel.

It's a guaranteed "A."

You can screw off the whole
rest of this semester

and still pull a "C."

This pleases me.

Jellybean!

Come on, Jellybean.

Come to Hal.

That's a good pussycat.

That's a good pussycat.

Stay right where you... Damn!

Come back here, Jellybean!

Jellybean! You want
some kissy-kisses?!

Kissy-kisses!

What is it?

What?

You know, I realized something.

You could do Francis's homework
for the next ten years,

but you still can't go
to Rage in the Cage

if you're grounded.

What are you talking about?

Mom!

What is with you, Reese?

You've got to get in there

and see what Malcolm
did to Dewey.

He's totally lost it! Hey, Mom.

Where's Dewey?

He left early to go
feed Craig's cat.

No way!

Huh?

What is going on
with you, Reese?

Oh!

Dewey, wait till you
see who I found...

What happened to your face?

What happened to your pants?

Never mind that.

Look who I have.

Mrs. Johnson's cat?

Yes... Mrs. Johnson's cat, yes!

Go, scoot.

♪ ♪

Hey! I found these in the
laundry in my shirt pocket!

You put them there, didn't you?!

Yeah, just like you put my muddy
sneaker on the kitchen table!

Guys, what's going on?

He's trying to get me grounded
so I can't go with you,

but he's too stupid
to pull it off!

We'll see who's stupid
when this stupid

is watching a wrestling match.

Whoa, guys, this is

supposed to be a
contest about love,

and you've twisted it
into something ugly.

Carry on.

Get off me! Get off! Ow!

This, too, pleases me.

Okay, we can fix this.

Cats are territorial.

I'd put money on it that
Jellybean hasn't been

outside a square
block of this place.

Ooh!

Yup, he's been back.

These are fresh.

But he never stays.

Well, then we'll
just have to find

a way to keep him
here, won't we?

Paid a little visit
to my doctor.

What are those?

These are sleeping pills, Dewey.

I simply told him I've been
up for the past few nights,

things aren't going
well with the wife,

afraid I'm going to
lose the house...

But don't you worry, son.

Those are just lies I told
to get prescription drugs.

Now, we're just going to
grind a few of these up,

sprinkle it on his food,

and it's sweet
dreams, Jellybean.

Should we put them in
the wet or the dry?

The wet, dry, milk, water--

we have to cover all
our bases, son.

We are going to get this cat!

Which one's Jellybean?

Well, that's another challenge.

We'll make three piles:

"Probably Not Jellybean,"
"Definitely Not Jellybean,"

and... "Not Even a Cat."

We'll start with that possum.

I think it's time to call Mom.

I was hoping you'd say that.

Rage in the Cage.
Rage in the Cage.

What are you doing?

Wait till Mom sees what you did
to my expensive microscope.

You don't have the guts.

Say you quit, Reese.

No! You're going to
totally be grounded

when Mom sees the
beating you gave me.

What are you doing?

Sucker!

Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah?

Hey, hey, hey!

This isn't about the
tickets, is it?

You have to decide.
Who's going with you?!

Oh, yeah, I probably
should've said something.

I met this girl at
the Burger Barn,

and guess what?

She likes wrestling.

What? You can't.

Guys, it's a girl...

who likes wrestling.

I'm just as much a
victim as you are.

Aw, you'll understand
when you're older.

You guys are cool.

I'm definitely bringing you
home a couple programs.

You're telling me none of
these cats is Jellybean?

What's wrong with you?!

Come on, Lois, this is a
very complicated situation.

Don't blame Dewey.

I am not blaming Dewey.

Oh.

Mom, maybe we can...

Dewey, it's okay, just let
your mom take care of it.

Now here's what
we're going to do.

Okay, I'll say it.

It was a really bad idea.

I'll tell you one thing--

I've never seen 50 cats run
out of a place so fast.

Hal, how could this
have happened?

We've ruined Craig's life.

No, no, it is not
our fault, Lois.

At a certain point,
we simply have to say

to ourselves that
Craig is just cursed.

Dad, it's Jellybean!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Let me just grind up one
of these sleeping pills.

Won't take a minute.
Keep him entertained.

Or we could just pick him up.

Yay!

You see, Dewey, I told you
everything would work out.

You know, it
doesn't pay as well

as some other summer jobs,

but I get the chance to
mentor inner-city children.

And how can you put
a price on smiles?

Oh, you're cute and sweet.

You know, this is the first time
I've gone out in six months.

Then... we'll have to make this

a night to remember, won't we?

Amateurs.

What?

Oh, it's nothing.

It's just a prank from...

some of the kids at the center.

You know, it's inspiring
how they can laugh

after all they've been through.

Oh, man!

I wasn't speeding, was I?

I don't think so.

License and registration.

Officer, what did I do?

This car has been
reported stolen.

License and
registration, please.

Oh, it's been
reported stolen, huh?

I'm not going to ask you again.
License and registration.

Look, Officer, I know
this looks bad, but...

Open the trunk, sir.

Officer, let me explain...

Open the trunk!

Get out of the car!

Mom wasn't too thrilled

about having to pick us
up at the police station,

but it was totally worth it.

We don't have to serve
Francis anymore.

Here's your sandwich, Craig.

Can I go to bed now?

Ooh, mayo on only one side?

It's a lot of mayo.

No one's saying it's not,

but I specifically asked
for it on both sides.

Craig... Malcolm,

I don't like this any
more than you do,

but it was your mom's idea.

Since as long as I'm living here
you have to do everything I say,

I'll try to meet you
halfway and make my orders

as clear as possible,
okay, champ?

Here, I heated it for ten
seconds just like you said.

It's still not quite
room temperature.

Look, I know I'm
being demanding,

but Jellybean's apartment
was burned down, too.

All right, it was
almost worth it.

There's something
you have to see.

Cut.

Oh, honey, the night
is still young.

What's the line?

I'm sorry.

Cut.

Ow!

Cut.

Shut up! We wouldn't
be in this mess

if you hadn't called for help.

Keep... pushing me...

ass.

Would you guys stop laughing?

Dang, it's not that funny.

Craig, you can't
say "ass."

Keep...

pushing me...

ass.

Whoo!

Cut! Cut!

Now, honey, I'm sorry
you had to see that.