Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 17 - Surgery - full transcript

Okay, I think I fixed the leak.

Let me just reattach this here.

Try it now.

Now there's hot water
coming out of both taps.

What?

Is that really so bad?

You always complain
there's not enough hot water.

It wouldn't kill you
to hire a professional

every once in a while.

It costs $70 just
to get them in the house.

Look, I know my work
isn't perfect,



but I am saving us
a ton of money,

and at least
the job gets done.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
there's someone at the door.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪



♪ Life is unfair. ♪

The tension is palpable
here at the 8,215th

Daily Shaving Olympics.

Hal has lost crucial seconds
in his lathering,

but he hopes to make it up
with his blade work.

This is for the gold.

Hal, boys, breakfast!

Bacon Day!

Dewey, don't be scared,

but there's a big spider
next to you.

Yeah, Dad. There's always
a spider on Bacon Day.

You know, I'm not
feeling that good.

I could give Dad
some of mine,

but that's not really
in the true spirit of Bacon Day.

Mom, my stomach hurts.

So does mine.

I'm not kidding,
it's really sore.

Ow! It hurts!

Shut up, Reese.

Mom...
I see spots!

Mommy!

All right, that's enough.

I don't care what test
you didn't study for

or what assignment
you didn't do,

you're going to school.

You know, now that
you mention it...

Everybody's going.

Sir, what are you doing?

Why are you taking
away our TV?

It's for your
own good, cadet.

But that is the only thing
that makes this place bearable.

Television rots
the mind, cadet.

How can you focus
on your studies

and improve
your character

if your brain is full of
your Morks and your Mindys?

Now you'll have time for
more worthwhile endeavors.

Write a letter. I'm sure
your parole officers

will appreciate
the personal touch.

Okay, that is ridiculous.

I mean, we should do something.

He's right.

Spangler doesn't get
to make arbitrary decisions

about our lives.

He can't tell us
where to go and what to do.

Oh, wait... he can.

Face it, Francis,

we're like prisoners
but without the rights.

Okay, so we're helpless.

But even helpless people
have options.

History is full of supposedly
powerless people

who found a way to stand up
to their oppressors.

What are you talking about?

Civil disobedience.

You know, like a hunger strike.

We could do that.

I mean, he doesn't want a bunch
of starving kids on his hands.

That would totally work.

I don't know.

Isn't that
a bit drastic?

Can't we wait till
after lunch?

What are we having?
Shepherd's pie.

The strike starts now!

Malcolm, why are you
walking like that?

My side still hurts.

But it's the weekend.

Okay, everybody get in the car.

We're going to the hospital.

Mom, why does that man
have a lightbulb stuck...

Dewey, get away from there.

Dad, you okay?

I'm fine, son.

Just not a big fan
of hospitals.

Oh, they can dress it up
with plants and pictures,

but let's face it, this
place is a slaughterhouse.

Hal...

Okay, we've run some tests.

His white count is 12.2,

and with these acute
abdominal pains,

I'm pretty sure we're
looking at appendicitis.

We'll hold him

for observation tonight,

and then tomorrow
he'll probably need surgery.

I'm having surgery?

There's nothing
to worry about, son.

You'll barely even have
a scar.

If you can just sign
these release forms,

we'll check him in.

They're going
to cut you open?

Like a trout.

Don't worry,
you won't feel a thing;

you'll be unconscious.

Not necessarily.

I saw this thing on TV
where this guy woke up

in the middle
of his operation

and could feel everything
they were doing,

but he was paralyzed
and couldn't even scream.

Reese, for the love of God,
stop talking.

Mom...
Honey, don't worry about it.

You're going to have
your own TV,

you're going to have
people to wait on you;

it's going to be
a lot better

than being at home.

Why do I have to stay
in the kids' ward?

I'm sorry, honey,
but you're six months too young

to have an adult room.

I hear if you're
really good,

they'll put apple juice
in your sippy cup.

Dad, do you want to
wait out in the car?

No. I'm okay.

I'm fine.

I'm on a beach.

There's the surf,
there's sand,

there's... needles.

There's the horrible choking
stench of hospital antiseptic.

Hal!

Coming.

I think I better take
your father home.

You'll be okay.

Hey, feel better, sport.

Reese, give
your brother a hug.

Aw, Mom.

Do it!

If you tell anyone
I hugged you,

I'll put you
right back in here.

Bye.

Why did she make him hug me?

Wait.
Why did she make him hug me?

Wow, it's sure quiet
without Malcolm here.

Poor little guy.

There's an extra pork chop.
Mine!

Go ahead. I'm stuffed.

Me, too.

So am I.

I was just hoping someone
would fight me for it.

Hey, can we play
"March and Conquer"?

That game's no fun.

Malcolm always creams us
in, like, five minutes.

Yeah, can we?

I... don't know.

Please?

We need at least three people
or we can't play.

Oh, all right.

Okay, Lois,

let's see how well
you defend the Black Sea

without Bosporus
and the Dardanelles.

Yeah, yeah, just wait.

Wow, it's been an hour
and I'm still in the game.

I usually tip the board
over way before now.

Guess what?

We look just like
the family on the box.

Oh, yeah.

Can I be the little girl?

Not on my watch, son.

You want to play
"Go Fish"?

No. I didn't want to
play five minutes ago.

I didn't want to play
an hour ago.

I don't want to play!

You got any fives?

And this is our
inflamed appendix.

The patient arrived today
complaining

of abdominal pain
in the right lower quadrant.

Ow!

We're going to have
to start him on an I.V.

Cathryn?

Oh, God.

Not me again.

Please!

It'll be fine
this time, Cathryn.

Accidents happen.

Can maybe someone else...
Helmut will hold him still.

If you feel pain,

you can bite down on his hand
just as hard as you want.

Helmut won't mind.

How long has it been
since we ate?

33 hours, 12 minutes.

Oh, man, they're serving
dinner right now.

Ten-hut!

I found myself eating
the last several meals alone.

Are we dieting?

Don't tell me
it's prom season already.

We're on a hunger strike, sir.

We're not eating until
you return the television.

Ah... passive resistance.

The last resort
of slackers and sissies.

What about Gandhi?

Sissy.

We're making a stand here, sir.

We will not back down
until we get justice.

Now let me see
if I've got this straight.

I get to continue to eat,
but you don't.

Ooh, I feel
the pressure already.

Ow, make it stop.

♪ ♪

Go, Mom! Nice!

Go, Mom!

Okay, you can do this
the easy way

and surrender with dignity,

or I can destroy you.

You forget,
I still have Antarctica,

gateway to New Zealand.

You got nothing.

Any roll
other than three,

and the world is mine.

Three, three, three.

Three.

Yeah!
Yay!
Yes!

Oh, sorry, honey,
you tried really hard.

And for a while there, I thought
you might actually be...

Rematch.

All right.

Hal, it's after
midnight.
Rematch.

Set up the board.

I'll do it.

Here he is.

What?

You just keep quiet.
You're in good hands.

This is to keep
your head still

so Mr. Laser
can do his job.

Huh?

Psst.

Shh.

Oh, I'm sure it wasn't that bad.
They made me use a bedpan

even though I could walk.

They turned off the lights at
6:30 so I couldn't even read.

And last night, some man
put a metal cage on my head.

They were going to operate
on my brain.

Bedpan.

Sweetie, I'm sure

it was just a bad dream.

Besides, I'm feeling
a lot better now.

I don't even think
I need surgery.

It's okay. Surgery makes
everybody a little scared.

Trust me, this is going
to be over before you know it.

Between
the stench of disease

and all those waffles,
I don't feel very well.

What waffles?

Oh, man, you missed it.

We went to Pancake Pete's.

We never go out to breakfast.

Well, we stayed up late
playing March and Conquer,

and your mother was
too tired to cook.

You guys played
March and Conquer without me?

Oh, Malcolm, you didn't
miss anything last night.

These guys
are a bunch of pushovers.

Pushovers? I held
Kamchatka for three hours.

Look, we're going to take
the boys home,

and then your dad and I
will be back

in time for your operation,
okay?

Dewey, you're
wearing my shirt.

Am I?

I'm so hungry.

I think
we proved our point.

Guys, this hunger strike will
only work if we stick together.

Now, we can do this.

Our stomachs have shrunk.

The hardest part is over.

Good morning, cadets.

I must say, it is inspiring

to see young men
with the courage

to stand up for
the things they believe in.

Two whole days.

What an impressive show
of civil disobedience.

That's the kind of
intestinal fortitude

that can only be properly
honored by an omelet bar.

Tempting us with food
isn't going to work, sir.

Of course not.

These delicious eggs

and choice of scrumptious
fillings are for me.

Now, here's my dilemma.

What shall I put
in my omelet?

Black forest ham?

Imported cheese?

Porcini mushrooms?

Porcini?

Oh, what the heck!

Give me the works.

Mmm.

There's our
fallen comrade.

I love Room 124.

When's the...

appendix...

coming out?

Tonight, but-- I don't know--
I'm feeling better.

Maybe I don't need
the operation.

What are you talking about?!

Of course
you need the operation!

But what if...
Don't you understand?

You're sitting on a gold mine.

Ride the guilt train, baby,
as far as it'll take you.

My adenoids got
me this watch.

My strangulated testicle
got me a week at Disneyland.

I'm one.... procedure...

from a...

Range Rover.

Well, we got two hours
till we have to

go back to the hospital.

You want to order in
or eat leftovers?

Well, I'd say "you decide,"

but then I'd be a
pushover, wouldn't I?

What are you talking about?

March and Conquer.

You called me a pushover.

Don't deny it.

Come on, honey, I trounced you.

Just because you got
all the good dice rolls

and you weren't saddled
with Brazil to protect.

A-And I wouldn't
call it "trounced."

What would you say?

Demolished?

Creamed?

Annihilated?

Get the board.

How are you, Tiger?

I want you to note
the bedside manner.

Dr. Harrison,
I'm glad you're here.

I wanted to talk to you.

I feeling a lot better now,

and my temperature's been down
for six hours,

and I'm thinking
that maybe my first blood test

wasn't accurate.

Now, this is what we call
a hysterical patient.

I'm not hysterical.

I just think it'd be smart
to run another blood test

before you commit
to cutting me open.

Why, that's a terrific idea.

Really terrific.

We'll see you later.

What's wrong with you people?!

Labs make mistakes!

Listen to me!

I declare war
on that blue country!

Reese, why
are you attacking me?

Your dad's wide open.

What are you
saying, Lois,

that the boys and I have formed
a secret alliance against you?

Hal, that's my foot
you're tapping Morse code onto.

I can't take this anymore.

If I don't eat soon,
I'm going to pass out.

This isn't worth it.

I agree with Finley.

Who are you?

Your roommate.

Oh. Yeah.

Hey, after the luau,
you want to go parasailing?

What?

Snap out of it.

You're talking crazy.

Why would we have a luau

when we're trapped in
a disabled submarine?

Wait.

I hear tapping.

Come on, guys,
we're doing good.

I think we're on
the right track here.

If we keep this up,
Commandant...

Uh...

Spangler?

Yes. Spangler.

Commandant Spangler
will have no choice

but to meet our demands.

Francis?

It's time we talked.

Will you gentlemen
excuse us, please?

Take your time.

Yes! Madagascar is mine!

Let me see those dice.

Are you accusing me
of cheating?!

Don't be ridiculous.

That's the pizza
delivery man.

Why don't you get it?

So my artillery can
mysteriously disappear

like it did when I went
to get a glass of water.

Or when I went to the bathroom

and your tanks just materialized
on my border.

I'm not getting it.

Come in!

It's locked!

Try the window!

What?!

Haven't you ever delivered
pizza before?!

Come in through the window!

It's locked, too!

Okay, thanks anyway!

Here. Take this.

What's this for?

Sedatives.

Your surgery has
been moved up.

What do you mean, moved up?

My parents aren't even here.

I'm sure they've
been notified.

Look, I'm not taking these

until after I get
another blood test.

Take the pills.

No! I'm not going to!

You can't force...

I know you are frightened,

and that is normal
for a little boy.

But now you must let
the grown-ups handle things.

All you have to do is relax
and let the pills take effect.

That's a good boy.

It's your move, Reese.

What are you going to do?

I don't know!

I'm hungry.

Reese, if you attack me,
you're grounded.

If you don't attack
her, you're grounded!

Stop it!

I don't want
to play anymore!

I hate this game.

It's never been this horrible,

even when Malcolm
was kicking our butts.

He's right.

Look what we've become.

Without Malcolm
humiliating us,

our worst competitive
instincts took over.

I'm ashamed for all of us.

So, you're quitting?

Let it go, Lois.

Ah, you're right.

Reese, do the honors.

Good. Now, who
wants to go outside

and watch me burn
the evil game?

I have to admit, cadet,

I thought you boys would
have surrendered by now,

but instead,
you have shown

strength of will, teamwork,

and a willingness to sacrifice.

Well done.

With what?

The strike.

Right, right, the strike.

Well, that's good, 'cause...

we weren't going to do...

the thing...
until we got back...

Well, you know.

Yes, I believe I do.

Shall we discuss terms?

We did it.

The strike's over.

We won!

We got his magic hat!

What about
the television?

Huh?

Here's your
blood test, man.

Thanks. Here's my urine.

Good luck on the drug test,

but I really think
you should get some help.

I knew it!

Oh, good-- Helmut.

I've been looking all over
for you.

I have great news.

You see, I just had
another blood test,

and it shows that I really
don't need surgery, because...

If the blood count
goes down to normal,

that means
it isn't appendicitis.

It was probably
just a transient infection

or maybe even a cold sore.

Yes, little boy.

I need...
to talk to Dr. Harrison.

Count backwards from a hundred.

Hi there, sport.

We'll have that
appendix out in no time.

Okay, scalpel.

Huh? Hold on a second.

"Do not operate.

'H' and 'H': 16 and 47,
platelets: 310..."

These are blood
test results.

"White count: 8.4"?

Is that right?

"I will sue your ass
for malpract..."

Uh, maybe we should
run another blood test.

Spangler was right.

Who needs television?

This is nice.

Get some fresh air,
some exercise.

Nice drive.

Thanks.

I think this
hat is magic.

Right, Francis?

Uh-huh.

Oh, remember
to replace your divots.

There's nothing
like two days at the hospital

to make you appreciate
your own home.

Give me that!

Oh, my God!

Look at Malcolm's
hospital bill.

I'd hate to think
what it'd cost

if he'd actually
had the operation.

There goes
our summer vacation.

So we have to pay even
though he was faking?

I wasn't faking.

I'm the one who figured out
they were wrong, remember?

Well, if you're
such a genius,

why didn't you
figure it out sooner?

Well, son, you want
to answer that for us all?

Nothing like ten seconds at home

to make you appreciate
the hospital.