Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 18 - Reese Cooks - full transcript

I had a bad dream.

It's okay, sweetie.

Here, come on.

Come on.

It's okay now.

What was your dream?

I dreamed...

there was this man...
outside the door

with a big knife...

and he wanted to
tie everyone up...

and kill them...



and eat their eyeballs.

Good night.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪



Hey. What you doing there, son?

I have to prove Kepler's third
law of planetary motion.

What's Dewey doing?
He's coloring.

Well, I'd better get in there.

Dad, there's this
crazy guy chasing me.

He's saying I did
some horrible things,

but I couldn't really
understand him.

I think he's an escapee
from the mental hospital.

I didn't hear anything.

Hello again, Hal.

You are not to step foot
outside of this house

except for school
for the next month!

Okay. Wait a minute, honey,
he has to go outside.

He's not done pulling weeds
from his last punishment.

Oh, I think staying
inside with no TV

is worse than weeding.

I'm already banned from TV.

You are?

All right. Fine.

No TV, no going outside
except for weeding,

which you'll do at night.

Inside.

Oh, I got nothing.

How long is this going to take?

Oh, look, just... go to your room!
Oh, you...

Your father and I
will sort this out.

Okay.

We are not getting
through to him.

Well, what else can we do?

We-We've taken away
television, video games,

his music, fresh air.

Lois, we have taken
away his air,

and he doesn't care
about any of it.

Well, we had better
come up with something

before he winds up being
a problem for the state.

I don't know, maybe we
should try something

other than punishing him.

Like what?

Maybe Reese needs
more attention.

Positive attention.

When I was his age

I always wanted someone
there to talk to,

to hang out with,

be a role model.

Oh, Hal, I don't know.

Lois, that boy needs
a father figure,

and I really think
it should be me.

What is Cynthia doing?

We thought you would know,

given your relationship.

We don't have a relationship.

It's okay... to feel.

Shut up.

Hey, guys.

Here you go.

I'm having a party this weekend.

Don't lose those invitations

'cause no one gets past
my dad without them.

A party.

An actual, non-self-delusional-
figment-of-my-imagination party.

Is it your birthday?

No, it's just for socializing.

You know, it's weird.

I've been here for a
month and a half,

and you guys are the
only friends I have.

You're kidding.

I'm serious.

It may be hard for
you guys to believe,

but some people have trouble

making friends.

Cynthia, are you sure you
want to sound so...?

Man, I wish I'd thought of this.

I know!

It's going to be so great.

I'm finally going to
make some friends.

What do you think, Malcolm?

It sounds great.

It should be a...

party.

Fingers crossed.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, Eric, how's it going?

You just missed your third
history deadline, Francis.

I am not going to
Spangler's summer school

because my partner blew off
his half of the project.

Didn't you get my half?

I slipped it under your door.

This is your half?

Yeah.

This is my half!

Well, if I knew you were
going to go so overboard,

I would have spent a little
more time on my section.

You photocopied a page
out of the dictionary.

Okay.

I messed up.

There's still time.

When's this thing due, again?

The 20th.

And you're worried?

We have over a week.

My half took me two months.

Okay, I guess I'm just going
to have to buckle down

and get it done, then.

All right.

I'll go to the library
and get some books.

You stay here and
organize your notes.

Sounds like a plan.

68 degrees.

Perfect paper-writing
temperature.

Let's get to it.

I thought you said we were
trying something new.

That's right, we are.

So this isn't a punishment?

No. Why would you say that?

'Cause you keep looking
at me and saying stuff.

I am paying attention to you.

But, Dad, a cooking class?

Come on, Reese, open your mind.

The art of cooking
is as masculine

as any of these other courses--

judo, riflery, kickboxing.

Anyone can fight, but
it takes a special man

to craft a truly great
Bolognese sauce.

I still feel like
I'm in trouble.

Hi, I'm Cynthia.

We don't know each other,
but I'm having a party.

See how it says, "8:00 till ?"

That means it could
go on ad infinitum.

See you there.

Hi, I'm Cynthia.

We don't know each other, but...

What is she doing,
inviting the whole school?

I'm sorry. I can't
talk right now.

I'm saving all my good
conversation for the party.

For instance, there's an
interesting piece in this month's

New England Journal of Medicine.

Hey, that's my anecdote.

I hope...

my wheelchair... fits in the...

make-out closet.

I hope you come
with an appetite.

I'm serving cookies
shaped like famous

Communist revolutionaries.

Hi, I'm Cynthia...

Uh... Cynthia, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure.

Tell all your friends!

How many people are you
inviting to your party?

God, who knows?

I left a stack of
invitations at the library

and a stack at the arcade.

I figure people will
appreciate the personal touch.

You know, so they can
match a face with a face.

Don't you think you're
kind of overreaching?

What are you talking about?

I'm afraid you're
setting yourself up

for a giant disappointment.

I mean, when ten people
don't show up, it's a drag.

When 300 people don't show up,

it's, like, total humiliation.

Well, I guess lots of people
will have to show up, then.

Cynthia, you're a Krelboyne.

Krelboynes have
Krelboyne parties.

You don't know how many friends
I'm capable of making.

Yes, I do. Zero.

Just like the rest of us.

Cynthia, no one's
coming to your party.

Oh, yeah?

Well, it so happens
the Kinkos man said

I set a new record for
laminated invitations.

So? That doesn't mean anything.

I know what this is all about.

You're jealous.

Jealous?

Making friends obviously
doesn't come easy to you.

So you hide in your
safe little circle

while people like me
throw big parties

and make lots of friends
and enjoy life.

Hmm? Bitter-- what a surprise.

The key to quick chopping
is to rest the blade

against your knuckles and
slowly pull back as we...

Who chopped that?

I-I did it.

Let's see it again.

Oh, my word!

Actually, his slices are

a little more
uniform than yours.

And you say you've never
cooked anything before?

Intentionally?

No.

Remarkable.

Sit down and listen to me!

I am sick of this!

It's been two days

and you haven't done
a lick of work.

And I can't believe I let
you drag me to that movie.

I know. I'm beginning
to question

the whole talking dog genre.

You know what would get
our mind off that movie?

Another round of miniature golf!

No! No miniature golf.

You have to get to work.

You're right.

When you're right, you're right.

Let's get to it.

These two books are
on the war itself

so you can breeze through them

'cause your half of the
project is on Reconstruction.

Okay. I have no idea what
you're talking about.

But I will

'cause I'm not leaving this room

for the next ten hours.

That's what I like to hear.

Now, before I go, do
you need anything?

I don't want you
leaving this room.

No, just stop bothering me.

I'm trying to study.

All right, Harvey, let's see if
you can break Brent's record.

You have to beat an
hour and four minutes.

Go!

Sorry I'm late!

Craig ran off some kids

and needed me to
walk him to his car.

I'll have dinner ready
in just one second.

Shh, shh, shh.

Look.

Well?

It's hot.

And it needs another bay leaf.

Just look at him.

After tasting his
chocolate soufflé,

the class actually gave
him a standing ovation.

Reese?

Dewey,

are you happy with how
those are julienned?

I think so.

Go check the brioche.

The bread in the oven?

Ah.

Dad, I just wanted
to let you know

how much that cooking
class means to me.

If you hadn't signed
me up for it,

I never would've known
that something so stupid

could be so much fun.

Thanks.

Oh, come on, that's got
to make you feel good.

Aw, look at Malcolm,
surrounded by all his friends.

I wonder what he owes
his social success to?

What do you think, Invisible
Friend Number One?

Leave me alone.

There you go again--
pushing people away.

You know, Malcolm, if you
want to make friends

you have to extend yourself.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm going to work on that.
See ya.

It's sad, really.

I feel sorry for you.

You know what?

I just got the greatest idea!

It's the perfect way
to break you out

of your self-protective shell.

What are you talking about?

You're going to cohost
the party with me.

Come on.

Hi, I'm Cynthia and
this is Malcolm.

We're cohosting a
party this weekend...

Let go.

And we have a musical
invitation for you.

♪ You should come 'round to
our party, you'll have fun ♪

♪ You'll have fun ♪

♪ You should come 'round to our
party, you'll have fun... ♪

Okay, you made me do this.

Can't you think of a
better place to kiss me?

There. Read that.

Malcolm, are you crazy?

Read.

That's the Krelboyne
Wall of Fame.

You can see that you're
pretty well represented.

There's my section
and there's Lloyd's.

But in terms of sheer volume,
you still have us beat.

So do you understand now?

You can't have that party.

But that one there,
that's ridiculous.

No one really believes
that about you.

Real...

classy.

Hey, you guys seen Cynthia?

No, but maybe you can
settle a debate.

Maroon or beige?

What are you guys

talking about?

Duh. Matching turtlenecks
for the party.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, Cynthia, I wanted
to apologize...

Nothing to apologize
for, Malcolm.

Here.

I'm canceling my party.

These are uninvitations.

Don't crowd, there's
one for each of you.

Malcolm opened my
eyes to the fact

that I'm a creepy,
friendless dork

who has no reason
to expect anyone

to come to her party.

You callous bastard!

Cynthia, I didn't want to tell
you like that. I'm sorry.

No need to be sorry.

I should be thanking you.

Thank you, Malcolm.

Cynthia... You know what?!

There's only so much crying

I can do in one day,

and just looking at you
makes me want to cry.

So, if you don't mind,

I'd like to leave you now.

All right, no more
distractions, Francis.

I'm tired of yelling at you.

I'm not saying Harvey's last
heat wasn't exciting...

You didn't have to
kill him, you know.

Yes! Yes, I did.

Now, please,

as a friend, just focus!

I'm sorry.

I know I tend to procrastinate,

but when a deadline nears, I
always manage to get it done.

Okay. I'll check on you in 30.

Uh, you'd better take this.

Why?

♪ Man, you know this
party's gettin' hotter ♪

♪ It's gettin' hotter ♪

♪ I'm feelin' hotter ♪

♪ Feelin' hotter ♪

♪ I want to let my hair down ♪

♪ Gonna let my hair down. ♪

I can't believe I
really made this.

You know, Dad,

if you work really hard
at something, it shows.

Yes, son. Yes, it does.

Mmm...

Class, during our next session

we'll be holding a
little competition.

Friends and relatives are
encouraged to attend,

and don't be discouraged if
you feel a little outclassed

by some of our more
promising students.

We're all here to have fun.

What do I get if I win?

A six-inch paring knife

and a bread cloche.

Awesome!

May I help you?

Hi. I'm Malcolm.

I don't know if you remember...

I'm not sure. I have
a vague recollection

of you throwing a brick
through my daughter's window.

Oh, and I think you're the kid

who ruined her party and
humiliated her in a public toilet.

How am I doing?

Now, if you don't mind...

It's okay, Dad.

How's it going?

Oh, great.

The party's a blast.

Can't you hear it in there?

What are you doing
here, Malcolm?

You won't talk to me at school

and you won't return my calls.

I just want to say
again that I'm sorry.

Fine.

You want to alleviate
your guilt?

You are absolved.

Just let me finish.

I'm not sorry that I
told you the truth.

You were just
setting yourself up

for a big disaster tonight

if you went ahead
with your party.

I just wish I was
nicer about it.

What's the nice way
to tell someone

they're a social retard?

So you see my problem.

But what I didn't say

is that even if you are a dork,

you're also smart and funny

and interesting and kind

and a totally unique person,

and if other people
can't see that,

that's their problem.

So, how'd you learn to
deal with the whole school

making fun of you?

The same way I deal
with everything:

I pretend it doesn't bother me

and then lash out on people

who don't deserve it.

It seems to work.

Do you want to come in?

Hey!

Can I help you?

Yeah. We're here for
Cynthia's party.

We found these things
in the library.

Uh...

I thought you handed
out uninvitations.

I thought you said
no one would come.

Come on in... I guess.

I think he's actually
going to win.

I just hope we get to taste
whatever it is he's cooking.

Reese, this is the best spinach
quiche I've ever tasted.

What gives it that
extra something?

I put some allspice on the pine
nuts before I toasted them.

Allspice. Yeah,

it just seemed like it would
balance out the ricotta.

How extraordinary.

How much salt did you use?

Just a pinch.

I did not put all of
this salt in there.

Where do you keep
your first aid kit?

My husband's tongue is
swelling up like a melon.

I need a bathroom!

I guess Cynthia was right.

If you invite people to a
party, they'll show up.

♪ Don't matter who's
the best side ♪

♪ East side, west side... ♪

Well, that sounds like fun,

but I think I'm going to leave
it unpierced for a while.

You girls should really

get up to the planetarium.

They got a great
laser show up there.

I have a card

that can get four of you in

for the price of three.

Let me know when you're going.

As soon as my grandmother
falls asleep,

I can sneak up and
sit next to you.

Are you wearing cologne?

Just my... aftershave.

Hey, Stevie.

I'm working... here.

♪ This party is jammin' ♪

♪ Come on, get your
booty on the floor... ♪

Can we please just go?

Yeah, just two more hours
and then we'll head home.

Francis, the project
is due tomorrow.

Okay, don't worry.

We have an eight-hour ride home.

We'll do it then.

By the way, this is Terri
and her friend Robin.

♪ Everybody put your hands up... ♪

Hi.

I'm Eric.

I'm totally going
to summer school.

Dewey, go to your room.

But Reese

is the one who poisoned
all those people.

Now!

What is wrong with you guys?

You didn't even let
me accept my trophy.

Oh, I'll give you
a trophy, mister.

Honey, the whole cooking
thing was my idea.

I'll handle this.

Reese, we pulled
you out of class

because we know you cheated.

Now, you would have won easily.

Why did you do it?

I don't know.

It was fun.

Those people worked very
hard on their dishes,

and you destroyed them.

How would you feel

if you were that poor woman
whose quiche you salted?

Fat?

Reese...

do you know what empathy is?

No.

Empathy is putting yourself
into other people's shoes

so you can feel the way they do.

If you hurt someone, empathy
makes you hurt as well.

Then, why would
you want empathy?

He has no more sense of right
and wrong than a tree frog.

What are we going to do?

What can we do?

It's back to punishment.

How can we punish him if
he doesn't care about...?

All right, son, here's
what's going to happen.

For the next month, you are
not allowed to cook a meal.

That's it?

So I don't cook, big deal.

That means no chicken cordon
bleu, no Windsor tortes.

Wait a second.

You said no cooking.

The torte is baking.

No baking, no broiling,
no sautéing.

Come on, you can't do that.

You heard your father.

The stove and all the whisks
are off limits for a month.

Oh, please, I'll be good.
I promise.

I'll do whatever you say.

I'm sorry, son.

This is the way it has to be.

It worked.

I think we really turned
a corner with him.

We have a weapon.

His actions will
have consequences.

I know.

We can hurt him.

We can be parents again.

Oh, it's even worth
suffering through a month

of eating your flank steaks.

Amen to that.

♪ Y'all gon' make
me lose my mind ♪

♪ Up in here, up in here... ♪

You know, I just
realized something.

Parties suck.

The music always stinks,
the food's bad,

and who cares if no
one talks to you?

People are such phonies anyway.

Hey, Malcolm. Hey, Cynthia.
Great party.

I like the music, and
what's in the dip?

Ooh, you know what?

I'm gonna need that chair.