Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 16 - Traffic Ticket - full transcript

Here are the house rules:

You can't reach for seconds

until you're finished
with your first,

but as soon as anybody's fork

leaves the perimeter
of their plate,

all bets are off.

It's mine!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

You're all set, Mrs. Gunderberg.

Remember, this is the
one you take orally.

I can do what I
want, because I'm older!

- Stop pushing me! Ow!
- Shut up, Dewey!

- Stop touching me!
- I was not!

Yes, you were! Stop it!



Hey, guys. My shift is
over in five minutes.

Then we head over to
the barber college.

Why can't we go
to a real barber?

Because I like to
support education.

Besides, it's free.

Are they going to take my
hair and plant an evil Dewey?

Honey, we've already
had this talk.

Every word that comes
out of Reese's mouth

is a lie, remember?

Ah! Okay, go look
at some magazines.

And anything you break comes
out of your allowance.

We don't
get an allowance.

Yeah, now you know why.

I'm going to ask the barber

to shave this side totally off

and leave the other side long.

You know, a style
for each profile.

A different look
for both my moods.

How's it going? Not bad.

In five minutes I get my soul
back for the night. And you?

Can't complain.

That's $6.24.

I-I'm... I'm sorry. What?

Your total is $6.24.

Uh, is there a problem?

No, it's just that, uh...

your assistant manager and I

we have an arrangement.

I wouldn't know
anything about that.

I've only got $3.00.

Well, you can put
back the magazine.

Lois, Lois... I give Officer
Stockton a discount.

You know, policeman's discount?

100% off?

Craig, I can't do that.

But, Lois...

Don't worry about it.
It's okay, Greg.

It's "Craig."

What are you, crazy?

Don't you know how this works?

We scratch his back,
he scratches ours?

We give him a few candy bars,

he looks out for us.

It's called protection.

Craig, we have been
robbed five times

in the last six months.

Lois, think of all the places
he gets free stuff from.

He can't be everywhere at once.

Mom, seriously, I'm
not letting that kid

with two fingers
cut my hair again.

That's all you need
to use scissors.

And you be polite.

Those people are nervous
enough as it is.

Oh, what?

I didn't do anything!

Make a run for it, Mom.

We can be on the news.

All right, you boys, not a
word out of any of you.

No one makes piggy sounds, no
one says they smell bacon,

and no one claims
to be kidnapped.

You?

License and
registration, please.

What's this all about?

You impeded traffic.

When you pulled out,
that Volkswagen

had to slam on its brakes.

What Volkswagen?

I looked over to my
left when I pulled out.

There was no car.

License and registration, ma'am.

All right.

Don't think I don't know
what this is all about.

It's 'cause I made you
pay for that ice tea.

Oh, was that you?

Now, you just sit tight.

I got to do some paperwork,
run a computer check.

It may take a little while.

The computer's kind of slow.

Yeah, well, knock yourself out.

My record is clean.

There is no way I have 16
unpaid parking tickets.

The computer's wrong!

You are not getting
away with this!

Hey, Mom, is this a
bad time to tell you

I got kicked out
out of shop class?

I mean, it seems to
pale in comparison.

Chin up, Lois.

I'll make sure the
boys get home.

I'll wait for you.

I want you boys to
behave for Craig.

And, Dewey, don't be frightened.

Mama's going to be okay.

Can you turn on your siren?

Sure.

Yay!

Come on, honey.

You got to admit it
was kind of sexy--

me having to bail
you out of jail.

Well, it was sexy for me.

Oh, yeah, Hal, it
was a real turn-on

sitting there wondering how
my children were doing,

what horrible things are
going through their heads

knowing that their mother
is sitting in jail.

Hey, Mom, did you get tattooed?

I don't understand.

How could we get
16 parking tickets

and not even know about it?

Mom, just calm down!

I was in jail, Francis! Jail!

All because you didn't pay
your parking tickets!

How could you have gotten
16 parking tickets?!

It's not my fault. You
keep me stuck here.

When I come home, I have
so much living to do,

I don't have time to
look for legal parking.

You listen, mister-- your
irresponsible behavior

has finally caught up with you,

and you are going to
suffer the consequences!

You are paying those
parking tickets!

You know, Mom, jail has
really hardened you.

I'm serious, Francis,
you are paying us back

that money for those tickets

plus $145 to get the
car out of impound.

That means you owe us $747.13.

This is totally unfair!

None of this would have happened

if you weren't such
a reckless driver.

Excuse me?

When I parked too
close to a mailbox,

I didn't endanger
anybody's life.

I didn't endanger anyone.

I was pulled over
by a corrupt cop

for a traffic violation
that I didn't commit.

Oh, but when I tell you I've
been framed by the police,

you send me to military school.

Ironic, isn't it?

That cop was out to get me.

Of course he was.

Everyone's out to get you.

And the neighbor's
cat's the ringleader.

Didn't you know that?

Ha-ha, you can laugh
all you want, Francis,

but until you come
up with the money,

you are not coming home.

Where am I supposed to get $700?

You're just using this as
an excuse to keep me here.

Yeah, that's right. It
was the cat's idea.

Mom, there's no way

Francis can come up with
that kind of money.

Which is what he
should have thought of

before he did that
bad, bad thing.

Honey, don't worry
about a thing.

Everything's going to be fine.

Francis will think of something.

I hear they've made traffic
school really fun.

They have cooking
traffic school,

bowling traffic school.

Remember when I took that
comedy traffic school?

I mean, God, that was hilarious.

A rabbi, a priest and a minister
come to a four-way stop...

I am not taking traffic school.

Honey, if you don't
take traffic school,

you'll get a point
on your license.

I'm not getting a
point on my license

because I'm taking
this to court.

I did nothing wrong

and I've got three
eyewitnesses to prove it.

They saw exactly what happened.

Blah, blah, blah.

Blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah.

Quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack.

Quack, quack, quack,
quack, quack, quack.

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey,
Dewey, Dewey, Dewey

Dewey, Dewey, Dewey,
Dewey, Dewey, Dewey.

Exactly what you said, Mom.

You're right, Mom. Right.

See, Hal, it's a clear
case of entrapment.

The cop doesn't get
his free ice tea

so he trumps up a
cockamamy ticket.

Well, we're going to fight this.

Well, honey, let's think
about this a second.

You know it's going to be
your word against his,

and judges usually
side with the police.

Yeah, that's what
he's counting on.

That's why he thinks he
can get away with lying.

Well, I'm not going to let him

'cause I know I'm right.

I know that, honey,

but what if something
does go wrong?

I mean, I'm not sure

we can afford the bump
in the insurance.

I am not going to lose.

I'm in the right and I'll
find a way to prove it.

Okay, okay, if that's
what you want to do.

You have our total support.

Just remember, Mom,
in a world of lies,

truth is your only weapon.

What? It's not?

Thank you.

Howdy, ma'am.

How was jail?

Fine, thank you.

Shouldn't you be out
planting drugs on someone?

Yes, I was planning
to go do that

right after I pay full
price for my ice tea.

I'm fighting the
ticket, you know.

Well, then, I look forward
to seeing you in court.

Drive safely...

whenever you get your car back.

There is no way that cop
could have seen me pull out.

Yeah?

Mom, great news.

Francis, I'm a little busy here.

Okay, here it is.

I just sent you $20
good-faith money...

Great. Only $727 more
before you can come home.

What?

Francis, I am not going
to let you weasel out

of your responsibility.

Because of you, we
are down to one car

until your father's
next paycheck.

Now, you either come
up with the money

or you don't come home.

Mom, it's impossible.
I'm in school.

When I'm not in school,
I have homework.

When I'm not doing homework,
I'm in detention.

If I'm lucky, I have
six hours free a week.

At minimum wage

I wouldn't be able to make it
home until Thanksgiving 2010.

You bring the yams.

He'll find the money.

Hey, do you know where Craig is?

Your assistant manager?

Big guy, smells like cabbage?

Thanks.

Uh-uh, it's not there.

Keep looking...

Lower...

Craig, Mom said you can give
me a ride to study group.

Sure, sure.

What are you doing?

I was, uh, uh, reviewing
some old security tapes.

You know, looking for a pattern.

See if anyone was
casing the joint.

You can't be too careful.

Hey, that girl's
stealing something.

Oh, I, I didn't notice that.

I'd better review her
other tapes, then.

Wait. Are there cameras
all over this place?

Oh, yeah, they're everywhere:

pharmacy, ATM, the bath...

Uh, yep, lot of cameras.

Is there one in the parking lot?

Whoa!

What is it?

That girl dropped a
can under her car.

Sorry.

Wait! Stop!

There's our van.

She did it.

She's guilty.

Mom's... wrong.

Oh, my God.

Mom's wrong.

My whole worldview is shaken.

I know. This is amazing.

We have to go show it to her.

Wait, maybe we should save it

for the next time
Mom yells at us,

then spring it on her.

No, I think it's better fresh.

Okay, let's go. Wait, we need
to keep a straight face.

Okay, okay.

I'm ready.

No, I'm not.

Stop smiling.

Come on...

Hey, honey.

God, it's been a great day.

The fire alarm went off
during the morning meeting,

and I got the last Snickers
out of the vending machine.

I did not think it
was going to fall,

but then I gave it a
little hip check-- boom!

Who is Susan King?

Hmm?

Susan King.

Hmm, Susan King.

Give me a moment.

Susan...

All right, before
I say anything,

do you know already or
are you really asking?

She called today with
some insurance quotes

in case I get a point
on my license.

Why would she do that?

It was nothing.

I just gave her a
little phone call.

Curious about a few things.

Like what will happen if I lose?

Well, yes, yes, I just
wanted to find out

what the worst-case
scenario might be.

I mean, what if...

There are no "what ifs," Hal!

You're right.

You are right.

Right, okay.

So, I mean, even if our
insurance does go up

and we can't afford two
cars, we'll just sell one.

I mean, you know, what
did they do before cars?

They, uh, they walked,
so we'll walk.

You're expecting me to lose.

Is this how you support me?

I do support you.

I'm just-- I think we need

to know what we're
getting into here.

I mean, I don't know.

Is, is it actually
worth all the trouble?

Yes, Hal.

I think standing up for
myself is worth the trouble!

I think refusing to be
railroaded is worth the trouble!

I know I can win this
because I know I'm right!

I can't believe you have
so little faith in me!

I have complete faith in you.

It's the rest of the world
that I don't have faith in.

Things could look different

to different people.

The system can be corrupt.

We wouldn't be in this situation
if that weren't true.

And sometimes, Lois, being
right isn't enough.

Being right is everything.

I didn't do anything wrong, Hal,

and I'm willing to
fight to prove it.

I know it's going to be hard.

But that's why the
last thing I need

is my own family undermining me.

How many times do I
have to tell you?

I'm right, I'm right.

I swear on my children's
lives, I am right!

What do you want?

Nothing.

I can't believe you
chickened out.

Me? You're the one
who disappeared.

Oh, so now we're playing
the blame game.

Look, we know Mom is
going to freak out

on whoever shows her the tape...

Not it. Maybe someone could

mail it to her anonymously...

Not it. Okay, fine, but
I'm going to need...

Not it.

Look...

someone has to be the person...

Not it. Who doesn't
give it to her.

I'm it.

Ha!

Oh.

Let me get this straight:

We each pay you $50 and
you're going to jump

from the roof of the dorm
to the roof of the gym

on the school's
riding lawnmower.

Who's in?

Are we talking with the
bagger attachment?

Are you crazy?

You know what kind of
drag that would create?

I don't know.

It just sounds too easy.

Okay, okay, how about this:

For five extra dollars,
I'll do it blindfolded.

Francis, phone.

Give it some thought.

Hello?

Hey, Francis.

You know Mom's traffic ticket?

Well, I have a videotape,

and it shows that Mom
really was at fault, and...

She was wrong?

Yeah, and now I'm
trying to figure...

What are you talking to me for?

You have incontrovertible
proof that Mom was wrong.

Shove it in her face.

Francis, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Are you kidding? It's brilliant.

From now on, whenever she gets
all high-and-mighty with us,

we can just throw
this back at her.

Francis, I can't.

If I show Mom this
tape, she'll go crazy

and then she'll kill the
messenger, which is me.

You're asking me
to commit suicide.

And think of the
look on her face!

We thought it would be best
if we showed it to you first.

Well, I can't say that
I'm glad you did,

but I-I guess you did
the right thing.

Someone should show it to her.

Not it. Dad!

Okay, but we need to
ease her into this.

Pick the right moment.

This is a very delicate matter.

Hal!

Come on, come on,
come on, come on...

I swear, that cop

was following me
on the way home.

Oh, come on, Lois.

I don't think he'd follow you.

I'm sure he's got
better things to do.

What do you think
you're doing here?

My commander informed me

that you made a request
for my records,

which, of course, is your right,

so I thought I'd
take a drive over

and deliver them to you myself.

Nice house.

Don't you try to intimidate me.

All I said was you
have a nice house.

First you follow me home and now
you're making vague threats?

Well, it's not going to work.

You are going to be so
sorry you messed with me.

Have a nice evening, ma'am.

You are going down, mister.

You hear me?!

You are going down!

I don't care how long it takes
or how much money it costs!

I'm going to win
because I am right!

There's something
you have to see.

Honey, I'm sorry you
had to see that,

but it's best you found out
now before it's too late.

It's wrong.

What?

The tape is wrong.

Dad...

You heard your mother.

The tape... is...

Oh, man!

Honey...

Look, I'm not stupid.

I saw the tape.

But it's wrong.

I don't know how to
explain it, but I know.

I know that tape is wrong.

I believe you. No, you don't.

Well, what do you expect?

I expect you to believe me.

Lois, in the past 20 years

you have never admitted
that you were wrong.

And as far as I know,
you've never needed to.

But the facts are right there
in front of your eyes,

and this time you are wrong.

And if you can't see that,

well, that's just plain crazy.

I am not crazy.

The tape is wrong. It has to be.

Well, wha-what are you saying,
that someone doctored it?

No, I...

I, I-I know... I know
it wasn't doctored.

I'm just saying that it's wrong.

I know what happened, and
I know that I'm right.

Okay, honey, that may be,

but me and the rest of the world
tend to believe what we see,

and everything is pointing
to you being wrong.

The universe is telling
you to give up.

It's time to let it go.

Well, that's not fair.

You know what's not fair, Lois?

Having to be right all the time.

That's a terrible burden.

Wouldn't it be a relief

just to let go?

You want me to say
that I'm wrong

even when I know I'm right?

Yes, yes, that's
exactly what I want.

I know

it doesn't happen
very often, Lois,

but you have been beaten.

Let go.

But I am right.

Let go, honey. But I...

Just once.

Can you do that?

Let go.

That's it.

Aw, see?

Okay...

Okay, can you say it?

I was...

wrong.

That's right.

You see, it's not so bad.

Hmm?

You'll go to traffic school

and meet some nice people,

maybe hear a couple
good car jokes.

Huh?

Everything is...

Everything's going to
be all right, okay?

Everything's going
to be all right.

Oh, I am so proud of you.

You are so great.

You are so beautiful.

You are so wrong.

How many times have
I told you people

don't leave the
refrigerator open!

You did it.

Maybe I did.

She's been like this all week.

It's like her
spirit's been broken.

It's nice.

Hi, Francis-- about the money...

Okay, look, I've raised 192
bucks, and if I can only...

Look, Francis, I'm
sorry I got so angry.

Why don't you just use that money
to come home next weekend?

But...

I've got to go to traffic school.
Love you. Bye.

Bye.

Where's Lois, did I miss her?

Craig.

You guys are not going
to believe what I have.

I have a surveillance

arrangement with the manager

of the mini-mart
across the street.

We exchange tapes in order
to better understand

the security needs
of our customers.

"Short skirt, windy day"?

That's code.

Anyhoo, one of their cameras

caught Lois from a
different angle

right before she got her ticket.

See?

Lois was right all along!

This completely exonerates her.

Isn't this great?

What are you doing?

You will never, ever
tell her of this.

But...

Ah! Ever.

Got it?