Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 15 - The Grandparents - full transcript

Great pancakes, Dad.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, who's ready for seconds?

I am.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

So, which one of these pinks

do you want to let
float this month--

cable or Visa?

Oh, we can probably
go without cable.

You know, it might be fun.

We'll get together as a family,

play board games, sing songs.

Okay, you made your point.

We'll pay the cable.



Oh... for crying out loud.

The freezer's out again.

What?!

We just had that fixed.

I know, the stupid
piece of junk.

Oh...

It's only five years old.

How could it keep breaking down?

Aw, man!

I'll go get the ice
chest from the garage,

providing that still works.

Nuh-uh!

Uh-huh!

We'll let Mom settle this.

The loser licks the tub drain.
Deal.

Mom, whose tongue's longer?

Are you going to make us
stand out here all day?!

Mom! Dad!

Oh, my God, honey!

Your parents are here!

Oh, God.

Dewey, your
grandparents are here.

Hey, come on in.

So, this is certainly
unexpected.

What brings you all the
way down from Canada?

Wait a minute, this
can't be Reese.

Yep.

Uh, what's the matter with you?

Don't you clean
behind your ears?

Look what I found!

Ha-ha, five bucks!

Thanks, Grandpa.

So, Grandpa, did you
have a nice drive down?

Huh? I said, did you
have a nice drive down?

I can't hear this one.
He sounds like girl.

So, you just decided
to hop in the car

and drive on down from Canada

without calling ahead, huh?

How fun!

Yeah, how long do you
think you'll be staying?

If we're such big
inconvenience, we go right now.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

Please... Don't be silly.

Uh, Dewey, you remember
your grandparents,

don't you, sweetie?

He needs changing.

He always needs changing.

You take him.

Ooh, let him sit in it.

That will teach him.

I don't want to take
him; he smells.

Ooh, that's what happens
to little boys who squirm.

Mmm...

It's estimated that
as many as 30,000 young people

have descended on New Orleans

to join in the annual
Mardi Gras festivities.

At this hour police have
been called in to try and...

Look at those animals
going berserk,

tearing each other's
clothes off.

Those are people

with no respect for authority.

Eric's right, that could be us.

If we left right now

we could be in New
Orleans in five hours.

How we going to get there?

And where are we going to stay?

Gentlemen, you quibble with me

about logistics when I'm
offering you 48 hours

of non-stop debauchery?

This could be the greatest
weekend of our lives.

Damn, Francis,

you should have known better

than to eat sushi
at a truck stop.

Hey, the cashier said the
yellowtail was fresh.

Besides, my octopus
was excellent.

Can we not talk about
the fish, please?

Guys, it's like a
war zone out there.

There's looting,
rioting, and now

the cops are turning a
fire hose on the crowd.

Wet T-shirts!

Sorry about the takeout.

I don't know what the
deal is with the fridge.

What do you expect?

That brand is dishufka.

That's it.

Fatten up on pizza.

Good luck running

when they come with the dogs
and chase you into the hills.

You know, I think it's great

you're able to just hit the road

without a care in the world.

Oh... right... yeah, with me

I'm always thinking
about things back home.

You know, did I
leave the stove on?

Is the iron plugged in?

I once heard of a fire
being caused by a mouse

chewing through an...

Where is my coffee?

Uh, it's right here, Dad,
just the way you like it.

Mom, I really wish

you'd put out that cigarette.

It's not good for the kids.

What, you think it'll
stunt their growth?

You turned out big enough.

Look at him eat, like animal!

Not like Mr. Pizza

with knife and fork.

You know, Dad,

since the last time
you were here,

uh, Malcolm has been put
into a special class.

I'm not surprised.

No, no, no, no, no, it's, uh,

it's an advanced class.

It's very challenging work.

Tell him, Malcolm.

Well, today we finished
reading Grapes of Wrath

and we're studying
advanced algebra.

What is
that, shot at me?

I no study algebra?

It's because I go to war
when I was your age.

What good is math in war, huh?

When you can provide
for your family,

you can have last
piece of pizza.

Dad, Hal provides
for us just fine.

Which isn't easy when someone's
hogging all the pizza.

You can't even keep
food in the house

for my grandchild.

Do you call that providing?

We will get the
refrigerator fixed.

For what, so it can break again?

What does a new one cost?

$700, $800?

I give you $800
to buy a new one!

Thank God our generation knew to
save our money, to hold onto.

We didn't fritter it away on
things like toys and dolls.

I dressed up piece of wood

and I was happy to have it.

We will not take your money.

Of course you will!

We love you too much to stand by

and watch your children
grow up ashamed of you.

This is what family is for.

Hello.

Malcolm, listen,

I need to know what Mom
used to put in the hot tea

when we were sick.

Is she around?

I think she's changing
the sheets on their bed.

Grandma and Grandpa are here.

Oh, you're kidding.

So, did they knock,
or did you just hear

their cloven hooves
clatter up the driveway?

I can't be sure, but I
think Grandpa spit at me.

Look, don't take it personally.

They're primeval creatures
with tiny little hearts.

Yeah, but there must
be some reason...

Malcolm, they have
stupid lizard brains.

They're threatened by anyone

with an ounce of ambition
or intelligence.

They'd eat you if they
had better teeth.

This one, always on phone.

That's Grandpa, isn't it?

Tell him I said he's a
malevolent, poisonous troll.

Francis says, "Hi."

No-good delinquent.

He says "Hi" back.

No, absolutely not.

I will not let you
take their money.

Why not?

Because they'll never
let you forget

that they had to give you $800.

They'll use it to try
to humiliate you.

They do that now.

Lois, come on, I know what
your folks think of me.

We need the fridge.

We can't store the meat
on the porch forever.

I'm big enough to take
one for the team.

What?

You're better than all of us.

Oh...

Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!

We can't do this on Dewey's bed.

Reese's looks okay.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Do you know this thing
makes ice cubes

in both circular and
crescent shapes?

How do they expect
people to decide?

Well, it's nice to have

something in the
house that works.

Yeah.

You know, maybe in their
dark, twisted world,

this is how your
parents show love.

Hey, Victor, pretty great, huh?

My descending colon's inflamed.

What's great?

Uh, listen, Dad,

I just mailed off

the mortgage and car payments,

and what with buying the
new refrigerator and all,

we should probably get that
check from you right away.

About that... your mother
and I decided it's no good

for family to give
money to family.

Always ends badly.

Pulp!

Who buys orange juice with pulp?

How can they do this?!

How can they just offer us money

and then pretend
it never happened?

I am going to kill them.

I swear I'm going to snap
their necks like chickens!

That is not going to pay
off the debt, Lois.

Unless you're a beneficiary

on some sort of life
insurance policy.

What am I saying?

Look, look, why don't we just

return the refrigerator?

I can't. I bought it on sale.

Oh, Hal, what are
we going to do?

Well, what choice do we have?

For the next couple of weeks,

until we get caught back up,

we're just going to have
to work a ton of overtime.

Oh, really?

And who's going to
look after the kids?

So, we thought the
perfect thing might be

if you could stay
a little longer

and keep an eye on the kids.

I don't know.

Mother and I should go.

We sense tension.

No!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, no, there's
no, there's no tension.

We just, uh, we have a couple
of hectic weeks coming up

and we just hoped that you
could stay a little longer.

Of course.

We do anything for you.

We are a family.

Oh, Dewey, hey, guess what.

Grandma and Grandpa

are going to stay
and watch you guys

for the next couple of weeks.

How you doing, Francis?

I need a doctor.

We got you something
better, man.

We brought you beads!

You wouldn't believe
it out there, Francis.

There's free beer

and the women take
their tops off

when you give them beads.

Is it possible we crashed our
car on the way down here

and died and went to heaven?

I'd welcome death right now.

I can't believe this is
you talking, Francis.

You're our leader.

If it wasn't for you, we
wouldn't even be here.

You know what?

You're right.

This is Mardi Gras.

I can do this.

Yeah. All right.

Give me those beads.

Yeah! Come on!

Francis!
Francis!

Francis! Francis! Francis!

Thank God we found a hotel
with a drain in the hallway.

We're back.

Still no parents?

If you're going to
work all the time,

don't have children.

Hey, I wanted ice cream.
I don't blame you.

Why do they always do that?

They take you for ice cream
and stuff and never ask me.

I've thought about that.

And I think they see me as the
protector of the bloodline.

If the future's half as bad
as Grandpa and I suspect,

the only survivors are
going to be mutants,

cockroaches and me...

all living underwater.

Let's face it: they're
backing a winner.

Oh, man, I'm stuffed.

I shouldn't have
had a second one.

Are you okay, Grandma?

'Cause I could carry
your purse for you.

Or maybe your whiskey.

I once strangled a border
guard with my bare hands.

Just asking.

So, I studied about
your country in school.

Always with the books.

You won't be happy till
you get eye cancer.

No, really.

I found the folklore
very interesting.

And the history, the
wars, the revolution.

It must've been very
hard for you growing up.

It was.

Very hard.

Have a snort.

Maybe later.

Hey, look at the mama's boy.

You going to take that? What?

Hey, you boys!

Come back here and say that.

Grandma, what are you doing?

Who's this? Your
90-year-old bodyguard?

No, no, it's okay.

She's kidding.

Nushkaya zibhat shinka!

Ow!

Grandma.

Oh, geez.

I don't know why you won't
tell me who did this.

You know, there's no honor
in protecting a bully.

Okay, it's your face.

Mom, do you...?

Do you like your parents?

It doesn't matter how
I feel about them.

It's not like I can trade
them in for someone else.

You can't pick your parents.

You're pretty much stuck
with who you get.

I know.

Anyway, they're certainly
not going to change.

If things get too difficult,

at least I can be grateful
that soon they'll be gone.

Back to their own home?

Yeah.

That's what I meant.

Never thought I'd beat you home.

They had us keep both
registers open till midnight.

What kind of idiot
needs a beach ball

at 11:00 at night?

Did you make the kids' lunches?

Oh, right. No, not yet.

I've been kind of tied up here.

You know, I discovered something
kind of interesting, yeah.

Now, it appears the circular
cubes cool quicker,

but the crescent
ones last longer.

Oh, for God's sake, Hal, will
you quit playing around?

That is a rectal thermometer.

I'm going to go brush my teeth.

You know, I ask you to
do one simple thing.

I can't do it all
myself, you know?

Hey.

Are you upset about something?

Look, I'm tired. I just
got off a double shift.

I want to go to bed.

Sure.

You just seemed a little
snappish about the cubes.

Because I'm tired of you not
helping out around here.

All right, Lois.

I know we're both a little
raw from the last five days,

but that's no reason

to dump your frustration
with your parents onto me.

On you? Oh, yes.

Because that's what
this is all about.

You're angry at them

and you're displacing
your anger onto me.

I mean, it is classic.

Oh, I'm displacing, am I?

Kind of like how you're
focusing all your attention

on that monstrosity
in the kitchen?

See, I knew it!

You don't like the refrigerator.

I hate that refrigerator.

I hate its tubular handles.

I hate the way it
keeps the butter.

I hate that, when I'm
trying to sleep,

I can hear it whirring.

Oh, no, you can't.

Yes, yes, I can.

No. Not the 5100.

That motor housing is
four layers thick, Lois.

Four layers.

And it keeps things too cold.

That is unfounded
criticism, Lois.

Unfounded and unfair.

And until you apologize,
I will be in the garage.

I told you
there was tension.

Hey, Grandma.

Grandpa wanted to
know if you could...

Ow!

What was that for?

See, you not even try
to defend yourself.

Why are you so weak?

I wasn't expecting
for you to hit me.

That's what they're counting on

when they kick down your door
in the middle of the night. Ow!

Grandma, stop this.

Come on, show me what you got.
Come on, come on.

Grandma, I'm not
going to hit you.

A kid should never
have to say that.

So how you going to
fight these people

when they throw you in the
truck and take you away?

You going to read to them?

You going to impress
them to death

with your giant
know-it-all brain?

Huh?

Look, I'm smart, okay?
That's who I am.

And if you don't like the fact

that I'm taking high
school math classes

and reading great books,

well, too bad.

Because I'm going to be
successful and maybe even rich

because I am smart, okay?

So just leave me alone.

And I'm going to be just fine!

Ow.

Ha!

I warned you about the eyes.

What's this about?

I want to show you something.

Something just for you.

I have waited many
years for this moment,

but now that you are old enough,

I want to give you something

close to my heart.

Wow, is this stuff real?

From the big war.

Wow, is this a real gas mask?

Gas mask, yes.

Field glasses...

chocolate K-rations.

You get yourself nice girl
with this, I tell you.

This is so awesome, Grandpa.

You're the best.

This is so cool.

God in heaven!

What?!

This is live grenade!

Do not let go of
handle or we both die.

I don't want to die!

Don't worry, you won't.

All we have to do is
find, find the pin.

Find the pin, put
the pin back in,

and then everything will fine.

Quit crying like baby.

What's going on?

Grandpa gave me a live grenade.

It's really cool. You
want to hold it?

No, no, no. It's
for you, not him.

Oh, my God, we have
to call the police.

No, no police.

No police, please.

There's no reason to panic.

Yes, there is.

You gave Reese a live grenade,
and he's a total idiot.

He's right, I am.

I don't think I should
have it anymore. Here.

No, you hold on to that.

No, I'm tired of this game.

I think what I really want
to do is go lie down now.

No!

Hello.

What was that?

What was what?

What happened here?!

We can't be sure.

Grandpa gave me a live grenade

and it was going to blow

and I didn't mean to drop it.

But Malcolm threw
it in the fridge.

You gave my son a live grenade?

You brought live ammunition
into this house?

What is the matter
with you people?!

Are you completely insane?!

You don't ever talk to us
like that, do you hear me?

Vuschka robotisch
ber doya kraup.

Mom, I-I...

I just... I-I just mean that...

All right, all right.

Lois, take the boys
in the other room.

But, Hal... Now.

Come on.

Why don't we sit down?

First off, I'm not here
to try to sort out

the complicated relationship you
have with the woman I love.

That's not my place.

And I know it would be folly
to try to put a price

on the deep psychological trauma

that you've caused Lois
through the years.

But let me take a
stab at it anyway.

$3,000 sound okay to you? What?

Well, that would pretty
much cover the fridge,

the collateral damage, pay
off a few credit cards,

and finally get the
transmission fixed on my car.

Because of what just happened,

you want us to loan you $3,000?

Please, I know you're
uncomfortable lending to family,

so let's be clear.

With one phone call, I could
have your asses thrown in jail

for child endangerment.

So... this money I'm asking
for, it's not a loan.

It's blackmail.

It's like your brother
Vasclev all over again.

Come on, Francis. We
got to hit the road

or we're not going
to make bed check.

I don't care.

I came all the way
to New Orleans,

I got all these beads...

I'm not leaving until
I get some action.

Now, if you don't mind,
I need the room.

Okay, I'm good.