Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 14 - Hal Quits - full transcript

Mom, Dad, guess what.
The Tooth Fairy came.

He did?

Oh! So what'd he give
you-- a couple dollars?

I got a rock and
half a stick of gum.

Malcolm!

Reese!

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

Watch this, Francis-- I can make
milk come out of either nostril.

He's gotten pretty good at this.

It's sad, but I'm
actually kind of jealous.

Reese, anything coming
out of your nose

is going right back
in your mouth.

This corner of my
waffle's still frozen.

Oh, I'm sorry, honey.



I had to put Francis'
waffle on top,

and that toaster oven
just isn't big enough.

It's your fault my
waffle's frozen?

Sorry.

Francis, you'd better get moving.
You don't want

to be late for your
first day of inventory.

Oh, yeah, Mom. Thanks again
for getting me that job.

Some of the guys

are spending their spring
break river rafting.

You wouldn't believe how jealous
they were when they heard I was

going to be counting shampoo
bottles at the Lucky Aide.

Sorry, Francis, but
it's the perfect fit:

we needed people and
you have no choice.

Hey! Look at the sexy professor!

Dad, you're bringing all
that junk to Dewey's class?

Yes, I am, Malcolm.

This is my first Career Day.

I want to make
sure I dazzle 'em!

I want Dewey to be
proud of his old man.

One out of four
wouldn't be so bad.

Dad, they're six years old.

Which is why we have
to keep things moving.

We'll start with the pie chart,

then move to Earnings Index.

Do I have to do this?

Relax, Malcolm. Your
teacher said it's fine.

You'll just make up what
you miss after school.

You know, I am really
looking forward to this.

I think this is going
to be a lot of fun.

Well, no, that's
not, not all I do.

I, uh, there are some,
you know, important

and, uh, very, uh,

interesting...

Could you repeat the question?

Your job sounds awful.

Well, of course
it's awful; it's a job.

You know...

He's tanking.

He's way past tanking.

See, you, you kids have to
realize that all jobs are awful

and there's nothing that
you can do about that.

I mean, they're, they're
tedious and boring.

Being a fireman isn't boring.

True, but you have to
take into consideration

the high mortality rate.

It's real easy to get
killed in a fire.

My daddy's a fireman.

Pete's daddy's going to die?

Oh, and I'm sure he's
probably going to be fine.

So the only reason
you like your job

is because you won't
get killed in a fire?

Yes.

Well, actually, you see...

you see, I-I work on
a very high floor,

so that's not necessarily true.

Any other questions?

If your job is so boring
and you don't like it

why do you do it?

You quit your job?

Lois, please, give me

a little more credit than that.

No, I asked for a
leave of absence

because of a kidney malfunction.

Nice.

Drastic but vague
enough to discourage

any follow-up questions.

Way to go.

You're doing this because of
what a seven-year-old said?

It was horrible.
He made Dad cry.

This kid was ruthless...

but fair.

His dad did a puppet show.

I'll tell you boys,
life is crazy.

One day you're in
community college

driving a Camaro T-top,

cock of the walk,

and then you need some
cash, so you get a job.

You think it's only temporary,
but then you get a promotion

and then a raise,

and all these doors
open up for you,

except they're not really doors.
They're trapdoors.

And then all of a sudden--

bam! 20 years has zipped
by, and you're thinking,

"Is this all I have to my life?"

Not you kids.

I love you kids, but, come
on-- the house-- it's crap.

Boys, I want to talk
to your father alone.

So, you've got a bedroom.
We're eating.

Just kidding, we're leaving.

Hal...

is this a midlife crisis?

I don't know what it is.

I-I-- it-- I just know that
I had to do something.

And what is it exactly
you plan on doing?

What I have always
talked about doing...

a thing that has been
in my head for years.

The painting?

Yes, I-I-I can see
it so clearly.

Every line, every streak,

every daub.

The blazing crimson flushes,

the vivid blue tones.

The almost subliminal
tinges of tangerine.

Yes, Hal, I have heard
this before, but...

Lois, I got to get
this out of my head.

Do you know how crazy this is?
Yeah.

You were going to save the
painting until retirement,

when it's okay to be insane.

Hal, I was really
looking forward

to that old painter guy
puttering around the house

with a little old spot
of paint on his cheek.

I'm sorry, baby, I just, I
just can't wait anymore.

Maybe I can be the
old gardener guy.

Okay.

Yes? Really? Yes?

This is important to you,

and up until about
five minutes ago

you were a very good
husband and father.

You deserve this.

Oh, thank you.

You deserve something
really great.

I really wish I could
buy it for you,

but I'm going to be
digging pretty deep

into the savings
for art supplies.

Thank you.

Congratulations, people.

You have all passed the
rigorous Lucky Aide

inventory screening process.

You should be proud.
This is a great crew.

We've done a few trust
games, some stretches.

Now we're ready for battle.

As I already explained,

corporate has us pitted
against the downtown store.

First one to finish inventory
gets a plaque and a hundred...

a plaque.

Yes, a question.

Yes, which household product
will kill me fastest?

We're going to start you off
counting the cotton swabs.

Bleach... or oven cleaner

or Rat Grenade. Rat
Grenade's good.

It's weird.

All my life, Dad's been
getting up every morning

and dragging himself to
a job that he despised

with every fiber of his being.

I can't believe I never noticed.

I guess I've been
pretty self-centered.

Oh, my God!

What if that happens to me?

Two quarts of amber varnish.

A number two camel hair brush.

Or maybe a Kalinsky sable.

Camel hair brush,
Kalinsky sable.

How do you know about
all this stuff?

You never painted
anything in your life.

I have been painting this
for 15 years, Lois...

up here.

Oh, hi, honey.

Do you people have any idea

what this kind of mindless
labor does to a person?

It kills your soul.

It turns your mind into jelly

and it crushes your
spirit to dust.

Oh, Craig called. He wants you there
tomorrow at 7:00 instead of 8:00.

Oh, and can you keep it down
when you get up in the morning?

I'm sleeping in.

So, Malcolm, word
on the street is

your father wigged out at work.

What?

Did he really set his desk
on fire and dance around it?

I heard it was a lovers' quarrel

with the cleaning lady.

That's crazy.

Where are you guys
hearing all this stuff?

My dad's fine.

He's just taking some
time off from work

because he hates his job.

You know, it's actually
kind of got me thinking.

What am I going to
do when I grow up?

You mean you don't
have a plan in place?

No.

That's okay, Malcolm.

I mean, it's not too...

Excuse me, allergies.

You guys already have
your careers planned?

You don't just luck into

running a particle
accelerator, you know.

With my intelligence...

and tokenism...

the sky's...

the limit.

Okay.

How many is that?

Oobin keitch.

Write it down.

That's a number?

Where are you from?

Red alert! Everyone
gather 'round.

People, my sources tell
me that downtown found

some Rain Man-type
human calculator

at a homeless shelter.

Now, I hear he's
prone to tantrums,

but we can't count on that.

So I'm going to need everyone
to work late tonight.

Oh, Francis?

The loose candy bin count
looks a bit hinky to me.

I want you to double-check
the malt balls.

Should I start with
the 40 in your belly?

I heard that

and I'm paying for those.

Things are starting to get
really strange around here.

It's Dad, he's so... happy.

Mmm, this meat loaf
is incredible.

New recipe?

Same as it's always been.

Oh, come on,
something's different.

I can tell.

Oh, actually, you know what?

I was out of tomato
paste, and I used

ketchup instead. Uh-huh, see?
I could taste it.

It's good, isn't it, kiddo?

What's the matter, son?

A girl at school called
me "Ewey Dewey."

This is the same girl who puts

paste in your hair all
the time, isn't it?

Mm-hmm, well, you know, she's
just doing this because

she likes you. It's her way
of getting your attention.

So she doesn't think I'm ewey?

No, of course not.

He's right. Hmm.

Hey, Dad? Hmm.

I have a little situation that
maybe you can help me out with.

There's this girl who's...
I suggest

that you leave her alone

before she calls
the police on you.

Okay, thanks.

What's wrong?

What do you mean?

Well, I noticed you
looking at me.

Nothing.

See? It's creepy.

You know, Hal, I
got to admit it.

Not working has really
been good for you.

You seem so much happier,

so much more attentive,
tuned in to the boys.

Hal...

My God, you're beautiful.

Okay, team, you did
a great job yesterday.

Unfortunately, I lost
all the numbers.

I think I accidentally
mailed them to my mom.

Yeah, so... whoops.

So why don't you guys
start recounting?

I'm going to head to
the downtown store

and play a little "defense,"
if you know what I'm saying.

Uh... Garkech, you're in charge.

Whoa, whoa, whoa... you're
putting him in charge?

He doesn't speak English.

We don't even know if
Garkech is really his name.

We don't know that it's not.

Besides, he hasn't questioned
every decision I've made.

That's because he can't.

And what happened
to our lunch break?

I can't hear you.

Thought you might be
ready for some aspirin.

I'm working for a moron.

Of course you are, honey.

Your boss is an idiot,

your coworkers are incompetent,

and you are underappreciated.

Welcome to the working world.

How do people do it?

Well, let's see...

If you want to eat,
sleep indoors,

you know, those
kinds of luxuries,

you really don't have
much of a choice.

What about Dad? He had a choice.

Every 20 years, you're allowed
a two-week breakdown.

Oh, I can't wait.

He says, "Get back to work!"

I really appreciate

your letting me take
this vocational exam.

I know it's generally
for older kids.

I just felt like I
really needed some help.

I don't want to make
a wrong decision.

Well... did you get
the test results?

Oh, yes.

What did they say I should do?

Well... according to this...

absolutely anything you want.

What?

Yeah, you-you scored

equally excellent in all areas.

According to this test,

there isn't a career
on the planet

you wouldn't be great at.

Congratulations.

Well, that... that doesn't
exactly clarify anything.

I-I was kind of hoping...

You know, kid, there
are a lot of people

who would kill to have
both "professional golfer"

and "neurosurgeon" on
their test results.

Yeah, but that doesn't help me.

I mean, how am I
supposed to decide

if I don't have any
parameters at all?

Well, boo-hoo for you, Mr.
Unlimited Potential.

Let me wipe my tears for you
on my plastic briefcase.

Does the test at least
say what I might like?

Aside from exposing
middle-aged underachievers

for the failures they are?

Nope.

Can I take the test again?

Uh... no.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to catch a bus

or I'll be late for
my night job...

unless, of course,
you'd like that, too.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Dad, what are you doing up? It's,
like, 5:30 in the morning.

Ooh, wow. Really? 5:30?

Yeah, I should be getting to bed.
What are you doing up?

I'm going to work.
Maybe you remember it.

Oh, hey, Francis, can
I borrow 20 bucks?

I need to buy some more paint.

What? You just bought, like,
six cans of paint yesterday.

What happened to that?

I used it. Man, what are
you grilling me for?

How can you use six cans
of paint in one day?

Francis, please, I
really need it.

I'm so close.

It's almost right.

Do you have any idea how hard
I have to work to make $20?

All right. All right!

I didn't ask for a lecture.

Hey, Dad, can we ask
you for some advice?

The girl who's
been bugging Dewey

still won't leave him alone.

Now she's calling
me Dewey Dwarf.

I told him-- you've got
to fight fire with fire

and he should come up with some
really raunchy nickname for her

and spread it around school
and church and stuff.

You know, really
get it out there.

Uh, yeah, good for you, boys.

So the name thing?

You're on board with that?

All right, let's get to work.

What's that girl's name again?

Regina Tucker.

Don't worry. We'll
think of something.

Another day of crap.

Damn catalogs.

Idiot foreman.

Watch your step.

Whatever.

So tired.

Hal, it's past midnight.

Are you coming to bed?

No! How can I go to bed?

It's nothing what it should be.

Honey, this is your dream.

It's supposed to be fun.

What are you talking about, fun?

This isn't fun.

This is driving me crazy!

I just... I-I-I
can't get it right.

Well, you don't
have to finish it.

Look at you! You're
killing yourself.

One more day. That's all.

I just need one more day!

Hal, there has got to be, like,
500 gallons of paint up there.

There isn't...

Yeah, that's about right.

Well... it's over.

I just got the word.

Downtown finished
their inventory.

We've lost.

Chelooz marak!

I think Garkech
speaks for all of us.

I'll be in the cookie aisle.

Well, I say we just make up

the rest of the
numbers and go home.

Wait a minute, go home?

Weren't you listening? We lost.

I just spent my
entire spring break

counting flip-flops and Vagisil.

You're saying that
was all for nothing?

Yes.

Do you know how many parties
I missed this week?

How many spring break
debaucheries I could've been at?

How many drunken sorority
girls ripped their tops off

without me there to
yell encouragement?

You can't tell me
that was for nothing!

We can't quit!

Come on, guys. We
took on a challenge.

I'm staying until this
is done the right way.

Who's with me?

Why aren't you translating?

There's no point,
but please go on.

That's it.

Ah.

Okay, see you.

All right, now,
keep them closed.

Come on.

You've all been very patient.

I appreciate that.

You've been waiting
a long time, so...

Here it is.

It's...

Yeah.

You're finished?

Yeah. It's perfect!

I mean, it's exactly
how I imagined it.

Then... look at it.

What?

Look at your painting.

Oh, I can see it.

Hal, I want you to
look at that painting

and tell me that you're
satisfied with it.

I knew it! You are not finished.

I can't do it, Lois.

It is driving me crazy.

I have been slapping on paint

day after day and
I've got nothing!

And I'm never going
to get it right

so I might as well
just forget it.

Oh, you listen to me, Hal.

You are not going back to work

until you get this
out of your system.

No!

You don't understand.

It is no use!

You are not giving up.

You are going to stay right
here until you are finished.

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

I'm not going to go through
this every five years

when you decide that
there's a sculpture

or a fountain or God knows what

it is you still have to build.

You are going to finish it!

Fine! You want them

to see me finish it,
I'll finish it.

I'll put a little bit here, huh?

How about there?
How about there?!

And...

Oh... oh...

And...

here...

And...

Awesome!

I don't believe it.

That's it. That's
what was in my head.

I've had it!

Everyone at that place are a
bunch of slacker, lazy...

Oh, wow...

Wow!

Hal, I am so proud of you.

I did it.

I really did it.

What's that sound?

I don't know.

It sounds like...

Look out! Paint-alanche!

Hal!

Mime mokay!
Mime mokay!

Oh, honey, I got to go. Bye.

Francis, come on, I'll drive
you to the bus station.

Hey, vacation's over, mister.

Time to get back to the old grindstone.
Let's go.

You know, all this
made me realize,

why plan for my future when
it's just going to end up

with a giant wall of paint
crashing down on me?

I'm just going to enjoy
being a kid for a while.

There's a lot of good
things about being a kid.

Ow!

That's for stepping on
my side of the room.

No pressures, no
responsibilities.

Malcolm, how many times

do I have to tell you
to make up your bed?

You are going to make up all
of our beds for a month

starting now.

I think I'm smart enough to
know when I got it good.