Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 2, Episode 13 - New Neighbors - full transcript
A new family moves into the next house and the family tries to make friends with them. As it turns out, all but the two men despise each other, which leaves them living their new-found ...
What you looking at?
Reese's report card.
It is much better
than last time.
Really?
Yeah. This time he used
the exact same brand of pen
as the teacher to
change his grade.
Look at that.
He gave himself a "C" in math
instead of an A+.
Yeah, it's subtle.
Nice attention to detail.
He's really learning.
Two months grounded?
Three months scrubbing toilets.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Feet.
Hey!
Ow!
My sandwich!
It's mine now.
Moving van!
We've got a moving
van next door!
Ooh, espresso-maker.
Leather couch... I'm thinking
upscale professional.
Well, if they're living here,
they haven't managed
their money very well.
Families keep moving in
and out of that house.
I wonder why.
Whoa!
Maybe the house is haunted.
Table saw!
No, Hal. No borrowing.
We have a clean slate
with these people.
We're going to behave.
I want to have one
person on this earth
who can pick up the mail.
Your mother's right.
Doesn't hurt to have
allies on the block,
especially allies with a pool.
We just got to make
sure we get to them
before the Reeds can
poison them against us.
Or the McCartys.
Or the Whitfords.
We definitely need
to get to them
before the Whitfords.
I see Mrs. Schneider circling.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Ten-hut!
When you men are done here,
I expect to see each
and every one of you
on the parade ground
practicing your
close order drill.
But, sir, we just did
close order drill.
Is that what that was?
It looked like physical therapy
at a head trauma ward.
Sir, we've been cleaning
and drilling for 36 hours.
I think, by law, we're supposed
to be allowed to sleep.
Why are we doing this?
Well, this was supposed
to be a surprise,
but I can no longer
contain my excitement.
Marlin Academy is
about to be visited
by one of the last
living heroes.
Gentlemen,
Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North,
United States Marine Corps,
Retired, is coming here
to give you a
motivational speech.
Sir, isn't he a convicted felon?
That conviction was overturned.
So was mine, but I'm
still stuck here.
Well, if you had a Bronze Star,
a Silver Star, two
Purple Hearts,
and a nationally syndicated
radio call-in show,
then maybe you could have had
a deal.
But since you don't...
you can shut your piehole!
This is nice, Tina.
You didn't have to barbecue.
Well, you're the first neighbors
to come by and say hello.
Well, that's not surprising.
I don't want to speak
ill of anybody
and I won't say who,
but some of our neighbors are
prone to paranoid fantasies.
Oh, yeah, don't get me
started on the stories.
Hal... Yeah.
So, what's there
to do around here?
Well, there's a pothole we
like to jump with our bikes.
They filled it.
There's a dead squirrel
we like to poke at.
That should be good
for a few more days.
And there's always
the dried-up creek
and the flooded park.
Boy, if it wasn't
for that squirrel,
my life would be
really pathetic.
Wait, wait, you, you
only flipped 'em once?
I feel every patty has a moment.
See, I always rush it.
Factor in the fat content, Hal.
Hey, do you have a good doctor?
Why, is something wrong?
Well, neck pain.
Or back pain.
Whatever will get him to
write the prescription.
No, I'm sorry. My
doctor's honest.
Too bad.
I'll let you know if I find one.
I wouldn't stare at him like that.
He'll get angry.
No, he won't. He's friendly.
Tell that to the kid he ate.
What kid?
That's why we had to move.
Didn't you read about
it in the newspaper?
No.
Just as well.
Pictures were really gruesome.
I did it. I did it!
See? I told you you could.
Can I have another burger?
Malcolm spit on mine.
What?
Malcolm, why would you do such a thing?
But I didn't...
Yeah, yeah, here.
There. Now beat it.
Why are you staring at me?
What, do you want a chip?
Ow! Cut it out!
Ow! What are you doing?!
Stop it!
I think there are
some briquettes
in one of these boxes.
Is this heaven?
Wow, look at this collection.
Oh, Doobie Brothers,
King Crimson.
Oh, Cheap Trick... hello!
You like vinyl?
Oh, yeah.
Check this out.
Is that a Shirendorff
1280 turntable?
1290.
Why did you say I
spit on your burger?
Don't worry about it.
Want to see something funny?
Hey, quit staring
at my mom's chest.
What? I'm not.
Malcolm, knock it off!
But I-I wasn't...
Aah, get away from me!
Aah! Get away from me!
Your daughter is biting my son.
Oh, no, they're just playing.
Ow! It hurts! It hurts! Mommy!
Now, honey, if you
want to breathe,
you're going to have to open
your mouth and let go of my son.
What are you doing?
Just a little trick I picked up.
How dare you touch my daughter.
She was gnawing on my son.
If you're not going
to control her...
Are you questioning
my parenting?
I don't know. I
haven't seen it yet.
How nice. This from a
woman raising a pervert.
Where was he supposed to look?
You got 'em laid out like
a couple eggs on a plate.
I wasn't... Emily, Josh,
I don't want you playing
with these awful
children anymore.
Hey, my...! Well,
they may be awful,
but they're a hell of a lot
better than your two brats.
♪ Whoa!
Cherokee People! ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Cherokee Tribe... ♪
A little help?
This is nice.
Yeah. You know, you
may not believe this,
but you're the first neighbor
friend I've ever had.
No way. Yeah.
In fact, you're the first
guy who's ever been
back here that didn't work
for the power company.
Actually, I have a
confession to make.
I don't have many
male friends myself.
To friendship.
To friendship.
I'm straight.
Me, too.
Malcolm, what's going on?
Get away. I'm not
talking to you.
Why? What'd I do?
You keep telling lies about me.
Come on, man. It's just a joke.
I-I didn't know you
were so sensitive.
Excuse me.
My friend here thinks
you're really pretty.
No, I don't, I mean...
Come on, Malcolm, just tell her.
Okay, maybe then you'll stop
following her around everywhere.
I am telling you,
it is not healthy.
Aah! Your mom said to
stay away from us!
Damn it!
Damn it, Hector, not over there!
Are you deaf or stupid or both?!
Could you please try to
be a little less useless?
Where is the sun?
Do you see the sun?!
I told you to dig the
holes over there!
El sol?!
God, you people drive me
nuts with your laziness!
What is the matter with you?!
Excuse me?
You can't talk to him like that!
He's a human being.
You talk to him like
he's some kind of animal.
I will deal with the
help the way I want to.
He is not "the help."
He's not a servant or a slave.
He's a professional.
He's a person with a skill--
a skill you do not have,
which is why you hired him!
Oh, for God's sake,
just pick it up!
Who does that woman
think she is?
Suddenly fake boobs
and $50 highlights
allow you to treat other
people like dirt?
I tell you, Hal,
they are officially
the worst neighbors
we've ever had.
Worst neighbors?
Honey, that's not
really fair to Mike.
Remember the
70-year-old swingers?
Dad, they're horrible.
Look at what their little
piranha did to me.
Every time I go outside,
Emily's there, lying in wait.
Yeah, and that kid
Josh keeps making up
all these weird lies about me.
He told the whole school
that I was born with both sex
organs and raised as a girl
until I was five.
Their gnome wants to eat me.
It's evil.
They're all evil, sweetie.
I think the word everyone is
tiptoeing around is "feud."
That's a bit drastic, Reese.
No, Dad, a feud is just
what this family needs.
Having a common enemy
will hone our skills
and unite us
in a brotherhood of blood.
Look, all I'm saying is
that, before we judge them,
maybe we should take a long,
hard look at ourselves.
Oh, never mind.
Ow!
No! No! No!
Do you think Colonel North
is going to be impressed
by such a sloppy
group of cadets?
Now, we are going to do this
and keep doing it until
you get it right!
All right, now, once more.
With feeling.
And...
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪
♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Cover it with choc'late
and a miracle or two ♪
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Oh, the Candy Man can ♪
♪ The Candy Man can ♪
♪ The Candy Man can ♪
♪ 'Cause he mixes it with love ♪
♪ And makes the
world taste good ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ The Candy Man makes ♪
♪ Everything he bakes ♪
♪ Satisfying and delicious ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do... ♪
♪ Talk about your
childhood wishes ♪
♪ You can even eat the dishes. ♪
She's out there.
Who?
Emily-- the Demon Child.
She's everywhere.
No matter where I go or
what I do, she's there.
I'm going crazy.
Aren't you the one
who wanted a feud?
Malcolm, you know I don't
think things through.
How am I supposed to fight her?
I can't hit her.
I can't do anything to
her, and she knows it.
I'm completely defenseless.
Reese, she's four.
You're bigger and
smarter than...
Well, you're bigger.
Malcolm, would you
come out here, please?
Malcolm, these people would
like a word with you.
We've had a report that
you've been seen prowling
in the neighbors' yards and
peeking in their windows.
What?
So you've decided
to become a Peeping Tom?
A Peeping Tom?!
But I didn't do it.
Why would I want to look
in anybody's windows?
Have you seen the people
in this neighborhood?
Peeping isn't about looks, son.
It's about the thrill
and exhilaration
of observing someone
without their knowledge.
You still have to go to Dayton?
Yeah, but it's only
a couple of days.
How was your presentation?
Oh, great. Your joke killed.
Look at us.
We've been reduced to
sneaking around at night.
A man should be able to talk to
his best friend in daylight.
Did you say "best"?
I should go.
This has been going on for days.
I can't believe everybody
fell for Josh's stupid lie.
Maybe if I just ignore it
for a while, it'll go away.
People have short
memories, right?
♪ Late at night, when
you're sleeping ♪
♪ That's when Malcolm ♪
♪ Comes a-peeping ♪
♪ You better watch out ♪
♪ You better beware ♪
♪ Or Malcolm will see
your underwear. ♪
What are you doing? Where
did you learn that?
At school.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Malcolm's at your
bedroom door ♪
♪ Five, six, seven... ♪
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?!
These are our hedges!
This is the property line!
The property line!
The property line!
You can't cross the
property line!
I can see you!
Don't think you
can hide from me!
What don't you come out here
and apologize to
me like an adult?!
Oh!
Oh, that's real mature.
Don't think you can get
rid of me so easy!
Fine.
That's the way you
want it to be?
You'll get these back
when you fix my hedges!
What's going on?
We're on our fifth
rendition of "Candy Man."
Where is Spangler?
He says he's not ready.
What's he trying to do?
Make a fashionable entrance?
North's been waiting for
dinner for 45 minutes.
He's going to fill up
on cheese and crackers.
Huh?
Are you all right, sir?
I am a little under the weather.
You're drunk, sir.
That could be why.
I was a tad nervous about
Colonel North's visit.
I thought that a little nip
of something might help.
That, and seven or
eight belts of Scotch.
Let's get you dressed.
And attached.
The man is a national hero.
He has done so many things
and I have done so little.
I don't deserve to breathe the
same air as that great man.
Don't talk like that, sir.
No!
I'm a worm.
Cadet, I'm a worm.
I belong on the floor
with the other worms.
Sir, get up.
Sir, please stop wriggling.
Sir?
Look, we just sneak
over the fence,
plant the stolen goods
under Josh's window,
and make an anonymous
phone call to the police
from Stevie's house.
Yeah, I know it's stupid, but
I'm too desperate to care.
Are you sure this
is going to work?
If there's one thing
I've learned,
it's you can't clear
your own name.
You can only ruin
someone else's.
Yeah, but... Trust me.
I've thought of everything.
Everyone's going to
think Josh is a thief.
His parents are going
to be tied up in court
and Emily's going to be
thrown in a foster home
where she'll bite
her foster parents,
who will then leave her
at a rest stop somewhere,
and she can spend the
rest of her life
biting hillbillies
on the interstate.
Okay.
My God, you people are handsome.
Dios mío!
Oh, oh!
Oh, you little monsters!
He's teaching me to swim.
I can't believe after
all he put us through,
Spangler ends up getting drunk
and standing up the colonel.
Yeah, that was creepy
the way he was wriggling
around on the floor like that,
calling for his mother.
I'll go check on him.
Sir?
Who's there?
Uh, just me, sir.
What time is it?
Colonel North should
be here any minute.
It's morning, sir.
You, you already
missed reveille.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The one chance I had to be
face-to-face with my hero,
and I slept through his visit?
Slept through his visit, sir?
You guys were up
all night talking.
We did?
Yeah, you really hit it off.
He told you to call him Ollie.
Really? Don't you remember?
You two were joking and
laughing like old friends.
And drinking Scotch,
lots and lots of Scotch.
Yes, we did, didn't we?
If I may say so, sir,
you were the happiest
I have ever seen you.
Well, you may... you may.
Now, if you will excuse me,
I have to get myself ready.
Dude, that was classy.
Thanks.
So when do we get
back the pictures
of him in the negligee?
Wednesday.
Poster size takes two days.
Hey, I'm really sorry
about you and Tina.
What's this?
A mix tape.
Hey.
Hi, neighbor. Steve Jenkins.
Sorry, Steve.
It's just too soon for me.
Reese's report card.
It is much better
than last time.
Really?
Yeah. This time he used
the exact same brand of pen
as the teacher to
change his grade.
Look at that.
He gave himself a "C" in math
instead of an A+.
Yeah, it's subtle.
Nice attention to detail.
He's really learning.
Two months grounded?
Three months scrubbing toilets.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the
boss of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Feet.
Hey!
Ow!
My sandwich!
It's mine now.
Moving van!
We've got a moving
van next door!
Ooh, espresso-maker.
Leather couch... I'm thinking
upscale professional.
Well, if they're living here,
they haven't managed
their money very well.
Families keep moving in
and out of that house.
I wonder why.
Whoa!
Maybe the house is haunted.
Table saw!
No, Hal. No borrowing.
We have a clean slate
with these people.
We're going to behave.
I want to have one
person on this earth
who can pick up the mail.
Your mother's right.
Doesn't hurt to have
allies on the block,
especially allies with a pool.
We just got to make
sure we get to them
before the Reeds can
poison them against us.
Or the McCartys.
Or the Whitfords.
We definitely need
to get to them
before the Whitfords.
I see Mrs. Schneider circling.
Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Ten-hut!
When you men are done here,
I expect to see each
and every one of you
on the parade ground
practicing your
close order drill.
But, sir, we just did
close order drill.
Is that what that was?
It looked like physical therapy
at a head trauma ward.
Sir, we've been cleaning
and drilling for 36 hours.
I think, by law, we're supposed
to be allowed to sleep.
Why are we doing this?
Well, this was supposed
to be a surprise,
but I can no longer
contain my excitement.
Marlin Academy is
about to be visited
by one of the last
living heroes.
Gentlemen,
Lieutenant Colonel Oliver North,
United States Marine Corps,
Retired, is coming here
to give you a
motivational speech.
Sir, isn't he a convicted felon?
That conviction was overturned.
So was mine, but I'm
still stuck here.
Well, if you had a Bronze Star,
a Silver Star, two
Purple Hearts,
and a nationally syndicated
radio call-in show,
then maybe you could have had
a deal.
But since you don't...
you can shut your piehole!
This is nice, Tina.
You didn't have to barbecue.
Well, you're the first neighbors
to come by and say hello.
Well, that's not surprising.
I don't want to speak
ill of anybody
and I won't say who,
but some of our neighbors are
prone to paranoid fantasies.
Oh, yeah, don't get me
started on the stories.
Hal... Yeah.
So, what's there
to do around here?
Well, there's a pothole we
like to jump with our bikes.
They filled it.
There's a dead squirrel
we like to poke at.
That should be good
for a few more days.
And there's always
the dried-up creek
and the flooded park.
Boy, if it wasn't
for that squirrel,
my life would be
really pathetic.
Wait, wait, you, you
only flipped 'em once?
I feel every patty has a moment.
See, I always rush it.
Factor in the fat content, Hal.
Hey, do you have a good doctor?
Why, is something wrong?
Well, neck pain.
Or back pain.
Whatever will get him to
write the prescription.
No, I'm sorry. My
doctor's honest.
Too bad.
I'll let you know if I find one.
I wouldn't stare at him like that.
He'll get angry.
No, he won't. He's friendly.
Tell that to the kid he ate.
What kid?
That's why we had to move.
Didn't you read about
it in the newspaper?
No.
Just as well.
Pictures were really gruesome.
I did it. I did it!
See? I told you you could.
Can I have another burger?
Malcolm spit on mine.
What?
Malcolm, why would you do such a thing?
But I didn't...
Yeah, yeah, here.
There. Now beat it.
Why are you staring at me?
What, do you want a chip?
Ow! Cut it out!
Ow! What are you doing?!
Stop it!
I think there are
some briquettes
in one of these boxes.
Is this heaven?
Wow, look at this collection.
Oh, Doobie Brothers,
King Crimson.
Oh, Cheap Trick... hello!
You like vinyl?
Oh, yeah.
Check this out.
Is that a Shirendorff
1280 turntable?
1290.
Why did you say I
spit on your burger?
Don't worry about it.
Want to see something funny?
Hey, quit staring
at my mom's chest.
What? I'm not.
Malcolm, knock it off!
But I-I wasn't...
Aah, get away from me!
Aah! Get away from me!
Your daughter is biting my son.
Oh, no, they're just playing.
Ow! It hurts! It hurts! Mommy!
Now, honey, if you
want to breathe,
you're going to have to open
your mouth and let go of my son.
What are you doing?
Just a little trick I picked up.
How dare you touch my daughter.
She was gnawing on my son.
If you're not going
to control her...
Are you questioning
my parenting?
I don't know. I
haven't seen it yet.
How nice. This from a
woman raising a pervert.
Where was he supposed to look?
You got 'em laid out like
a couple eggs on a plate.
I wasn't... Emily, Josh,
I don't want you playing
with these awful
children anymore.
Hey, my...! Well,
they may be awful,
but they're a hell of a lot
better than your two brats.
♪ Whoa!
Cherokee People! ♪
♪ Ow! ♪
♪ Cherokee Tribe... ♪
A little help?
This is nice.
Yeah. You know, you
may not believe this,
but you're the first neighbor
friend I've ever had.
No way. Yeah.
In fact, you're the first
guy who's ever been
back here that didn't work
for the power company.
Actually, I have a
confession to make.
I don't have many
male friends myself.
To friendship.
To friendship.
I'm straight.
Me, too.
Malcolm, what's going on?
Get away. I'm not
talking to you.
Why? What'd I do?
You keep telling lies about me.
Come on, man. It's just a joke.
I-I didn't know you
were so sensitive.
Excuse me.
My friend here thinks
you're really pretty.
No, I don't, I mean...
Come on, Malcolm, just tell her.
Okay, maybe then you'll stop
following her around everywhere.
I am telling you,
it is not healthy.
Aah! Your mom said to
stay away from us!
Damn it!
Damn it, Hector, not over there!
Are you deaf or stupid or both?!
Could you please try to
be a little less useless?
Where is the sun?
Do you see the sun?!
I told you to dig the
holes over there!
El sol?!
God, you people drive me
nuts with your laziness!
What is the matter with you?!
Excuse me?
You can't talk to him like that!
He's a human being.
You talk to him like
he's some kind of animal.
I will deal with the
help the way I want to.
He is not "the help."
He's not a servant or a slave.
He's a professional.
He's a person with a skill--
a skill you do not have,
which is why you hired him!
Oh, for God's sake,
just pick it up!
Who does that woman
think she is?
Suddenly fake boobs
and $50 highlights
allow you to treat other
people like dirt?
I tell you, Hal,
they are officially
the worst neighbors
we've ever had.
Worst neighbors?
Honey, that's not
really fair to Mike.
Remember the
70-year-old swingers?
Dad, they're horrible.
Look at what their little
piranha did to me.
Every time I go outside,
Emily's there, lying in wait.
Yeah, and that kid
Josh keeps making up
all these weird lies about me.
He told the whole school
that I was born with both sex
organs and raised as a girl
until I was five.
Their gnome wants to eat me.
It's evil.
They're all evil, sweetie.
I think the word everyone is
tiptoeing around is "feud."
That's a bit drastic, Reese.
No, Dad, a feud is just
what this family needs.
Having a common enemy
will hone our skills
and unite us
in a brotherhood of blood.
Look, all I'm saying is
that, before we judge them,
maybe we should take a long,
hard look at ourselves.
Oh, never mind.
Ow!
No! No! No!
Do you think Colonel North
is going to be impressed
by such a sloppy
group of cadets?
Now, we are going to do this
and keep doing it until
you get it right!
All right, now, once more.
With feeling.
And...
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Hey! ♪
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪
♪ Who can take a sunrise ♪
♪ Sprinkle it with dew ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Cover it with choc'late
and a miracle or two ♪
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Candy Man ♪
♪ Oh, the Candy Man can ♪
♪ The Candy Man can ♪
♪ The Candy Man can ♪
♪ 'Cause he mixes it with love ♪
♪ And makes the
world taste good ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ The Candy Man makes ♪
♪ Everything he bakes ♪
♪ Satisfying and delicious ♪
♪ Do-do-do-do-do-do... ♪
♪ Talk about your
childhood wishes ♪
♪ You can even eat the dishes. ♪
She's out there.
Who?
Emily-- the Demon Child.
She's everywhere.
No matter where I go or
what I do, she's there.
I'm going crazy.
Aren't you the one
who wanted a feud?
Malcolm, you know I don't
think things through.
How am I supposed to fight her?
I can't hit her.
I can't do anything to
her, and she knows it.
I'm completely defenseless.
Reese, she's four.
You're bigger and
smarter than...
Well, you're bigger.
Malcolm, would you
come out here, please?
Malcolm, these people would
like a word with you.
We've had a report that
you've been seen prowling
in the neighbors' yards and
peeking in their windows.
What?
So you've decided
to become a Peeping Tom?
A Peeping Tom?!
But I didn't do it.
Why would I want to look
in anybody's windows?
Have you seen the people
in this neighborhood?
Peeping isn't about looks, son.
It's about the thrill
and exhilaration
of observing someone
without their knowledge.
You still have to go to Dayton?
Yeah, but it's only
a couple of days.
How was your presentation?
Oh, great. Your joke killed.
Look at us.
We've been reduced to
sneaking around at night.
A man should be able to talk to
his best friend in daylight.
Did you say "best"?
I should go.
This has been going on for days.
I can't believe everybody
fell for Josh's stupid lie.
Maybe if I just ignore it
for a while, it'll go away.
People have short
memories, right?
♪ Late at night, when
you're sleeping ♪
♪ That's when Malcolm ♪
♪ Comes a-peeping ♪
♪ You better watch out ♪
♪ You better beware ♪
♪ Or Malcolm will see
your underwear. ♪
What are you doing? Where
did you learn that?
At school.
♪ One, two, three, four ♪
♪ Malcolm's at your
bedroom door ♪
♪ Five, six, seven... ♪
Oh, my God!
What are you doing?!
These are our hedges!
This is the property line!
The property line!
The property line!
You can't cross the
property line!
I can see you!
Don't think you
can hide from me!
What don't you come out here
and apologize to
me like an adult?!
Oh!
Oh, that's real mature.
Don't think you can get
rid of me so easy!
Fine.
That's the way you
want it to be?
You'll get these back
when you fix my hedges!
What's going on?
We're on our fifth
rendition of "Candy Man."
Where is Spangler?
He says he's not ready.
What's he trying to do?
Make a fashionable entrance?
North's been waiting for
dinner for 45 minutes.
He's going to fill up
on cheese and crackers.
Huh?
Are you all right, sir?
I am a little under the weather.
You're drunk, sir.
That could be why.
I was a tad nervous about
Colonel North's visit.
I thought that a little nip
of something might help.
That, and seven or
eight belts of Scotch.
Let's get you dressed.
And attached.
The man is a national hero.
He has done so many things
and I have done so little.
I don't deserve to breathe the
same air as that great man.
Don't talk like that, sir.
No!
I'm a worm.
Cadet, I'm a worm.
I belong on the floor
with the other worms.
Sir, get up.
Sir, please stop wriggling.
Sir?
Look, we just sneak
over the fence,
plant the stolen goods
under Josh's window,
and make an anonymous
phone call to the police
from Stevie's house.
Yeah, I know it's stupid, but
I'm too desperate to care.
Are you sure this
is going to work?
If there's one thing
I've learned,
it's you can't clear
your own name.
You can only ruin
someone else's.
Yeah, but... Trust me.
I've thought of everything.
Everyone's going to
think Josh is a thief.
His parents are going
to be tied up in court
and Emily's going to be
thrown in a foster home
where she'll bite
her foster parents,
who will then leave her
at a rest stop somewhere,
and she can spend the
rest of her life
biting hillbillies
on the interstate.
Okay.
My God, you people are handsome.
Dios mío!
Oh, oh!
Oh, you little monsters!
He's teaching me to swim.
I can't believe after
all he put us through,
Spangler ends up getting drunk
and standing up the colonel.
Yeah, that was creepy
the way he was wriggling
around on the floor like that,
calling for his mother.
I'll go check on him.
Sir?
Who's there?
Uh, just me, sir.
What time is it?
Colonel North should
be here any minute.
It's morning, sir.
You, you already
missed reveille.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
The one chance I had to be
face-to-face with my hero,
and I slept through his visit?
Slept through his visit, sir?
You guys were up
all night talking.
We did?
Yeah, you really hit it off.
He told you to call him Ollie.
Really? Don't you remember?
You two were joking and
laughing like old friends.
And drinking Scotch,
lots and lots of Scotch.
Yes, we did, didn't we?
If I may say so, sir,
you were the happiest
I have ever seen you.
Well, you may... you may.
Now, if you will excuse me,
I have to get myself ready.
Dude, that was classy.
Thanks.
So when do we get
back the pictures
of him in the negligee?
Wednesday.
Poster size takes two days.
Hey, I'm really sorry
about you and Tina.
What's this?
A mix tape.
Hey.
Hi, neighbor. Steve Jenkins.
Sorry, Steve.
It's just too soon for me.