Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 9 - Lois vs. Evil - full transcript

I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

Stop it right now!
I mean it!

When are you going to be done?

Soon as I can, honey.

I said, stop it!

I hate my brothers.



I only like me.

I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

"Five across.

My mother the... blank."

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

I know a lot of kids
say they like school,

but honestly,
I just find it exhausting.

I mean, when I am in school,
I'm either bored, terrified...

...or confused
about Julie Houlerman.

Hi, Malcolm.

Perfect example.

What does she mean by that?

Is it just "hi"?

Is she trying to say
she likes me?

Is she just being nice?

And now I have to figure out
a secret way to answer her

without A)
acting like I like her,

or B)
acting like I don't like her,

or C) acting like
I've never thought about A or B.

Just be pleasant
but noncommittal.

Hey, Jul...

She's doing this to me
on purpose.

Hey, how are you?

Stanley, you are incredible.

I thought Malcolm was a genius,
but this is off the charts.

The school asked
for an honor guard.

I figured you'd like a few
weeks without drill practice.

A pageant, though.

Beautiful girls
with self-esteem issues.

It's perfect.

Easy. Let's start with
the obvious runners-up.

They're going to be
the neediest.

You know, uh, this
is a little intense.

You, me, working
this shelf... together.

What's intense about it?

I guess nothing.

Excuse me.

Mom!

You're not supposed
to yell in the store.

Not supposed
to do that either.

Life's funny that way.

Hey... the Three Musketeers.

Athos, Aramis...

and you must be Porthos.

You're creepy.

You really shouldn't say
hurtful things to grown-ups.

I'm sorry.

That's okay.
We're still friends.

Craig...

you have got to redo
the nail polish.

The crystal pinks are mixed
with the frosty pinks

are mixed with
the God knows what.

Right away, Mr. Pinter.

Okay. I'm off work
in five minutes.

Don't touch the register.

Don't touch the candy,
don't touch the price tags

and don't touch the microphones.

And that includes by accident.

That includes just looking.

That includes hovering

with your finger
a half inch away from it.

Fair warning.

Dare you.

Go ahead.

You do it.

I'll do it.
Yeah, right.

I will.

This isn't baby
stuff, Dewey.

Yeah, go ride the horsey
out front.

Horsey.

I got to remember that.

The microphone, register...

candy... price tags...

steam cleaner.

Boys!

It's not what it looks like!

Oh, hello, boys.

How long you in for?

Another hour.

Yow.

Hi, hon.

Hi.

Did you see Dewey outside?

Oh, what's wrong?

I don't know,
but something's upsetting him.

He didn't say a word
on the way home,

and now I just can't
find him anywhere.

Hmm.

Hey, I'll check
his special place.

Dewey?

You in there, buddy?

No.

What's wrong, pal?

I did something bad.

They told me to ride a horsey,
and I'm not a baby,

but I would have played
with the carpet cleaner,

and I didn't have
a quarter anyway.

Uh-huh. Dewey, honey,

Daddy's getting a cramp
in his leg.

What did you do?

I took something
from Mommy's store.

Well, that's very serious.

What did you take?

A candy bar?

No. It's not
a candy bar.

Oh? Well, what is it?

$150 bottle of cognac?

How could you take this?!

I'm sorry.

My God,
would you look at this thing?

Can you imagine the man

who spends 150 bucks
on a bottle of cognac?

What do you think a guy
like that pays for socks?

Dewey, what am I
going to do with you?

This works
pretty good, Mom.

Go get your jacket; we're
going back to the store.

You are going to return
this bottle to Mr. Pinter,

apologize and accept
the consequences.

What do mean, "fired"?!

You can't fire me for this.

Sorry. Store policy is
very clear about stealing.

But he didn't steal it;
he returned it.

It's right there.
The bottle is perfect.

You can just put it
right back on the shelf.

I already marked it
out of inventory.

My hands are tied here.

What are you talking about?

You don't even do inventory.

You foist if off on me because
you make so many mistakes.

You're not exactly making me
regret my decision here, Lois.

Mom?

Oh, honey, it's
okay. It's okay.

This is just an excuse.

You have hated me
since the minute you got here

because I was first choice for
your job and I turned it down.

You know, you think
what you want, okay?

At least I didn't raise a thief.

Velcro. I win the pool.

Sweet home Alabama.

Where the skies are so blue.

Sweet home Alabama.

Lord, I'm coming home

to you.

Oh, very, very
nice, Bridget.

That was very nice.

Oh, Francis, I wanted
to thank you again

for being so helpful.

Usually, the honor guards
just sit around and gawk,

but you've really
thrown yourself

into this whole hog,
haven't you?

What can I say?
I love the theater.

Francis, will you help me
decide on my leg extensions?

Which do you think
looks better--

right leg...

or left leg?

Hmm.

Can you... do both?

It's been ten days
since Mom lost her job.

Yesterday for dinner,
we had macaroni and rice.

Today it's rice and macaroni.

Mom, I can't eat
this stuff anymore.

Reese, this is not the time
for complaining.

I'm not complaining;
I'm constipated.

I'm sorry, we can't afford
to live lavishly anymore.

Drink your milk.

It's lumpy.

Then chew it.

Hey, come on, we can do this.

We've had to economize before.

Remember when Grandma drove
into the living room?

Or last year, when we were
saving up for Disneyland?

We're going to Disneyland?

No.

It's like that.

Except this time, we're just
trying to keep the house.

Okay, everybody, stop worrying.

I am going to find another job.

Another cashier job
with flexible hours

that allows me to leave whenever
I need to take care of my kids.

Well, can't you get
unemployment or something?

No. I only worked
38 hours a week.

They consider that part-time.

You know, I hope
you are at least learning

something
from all this.

Yeah, if you do
something bad, don't tell.

No. We did the right thing.

That's what's important.

Can't we at least do a load
of laundry or something?

Everything I have stinks.

Yeah, he wants to smell
good for... Julie!

Malcolm.

Yeah, yeah.

It was worth it.

So we can't do laundry,
we have to share baths,

and yesterday, she had
our cable turned off.

Our cable!

How's your... love life?

What?
So, basically,
everything I tell you

in confidence as a friend

you're going to use
to make fun of me?

I have... nothing else.

Hi, Malcolm.

You want to split lunches?

What?

Yeah, sure.

I have a Chinese chicken
salad, a tangerine,

and, ooh, Jordan almonds.

What do you have?

Leftover eggs
from breakfast.

Oh.

Uh, I'm on a special diet,
for sports.

Oh, I forgot.

I have to go...
work out.

I'll see you later.

I can't take
this anymore!

Everything I want,
I can't have!

Anything that's nice,
I can't do!

Everyone in the world
gets to do everything except me!

Malcolm...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know there's other people
worse off than me.

You know what?
I don't care.

I'm sick of going to school
every day smelling like feet!

Malcolm...

I hate being poor, okay?!

I mean, is that so bad?

Why is that, like,
some big character flaw?

It's not my fault
we're poor!

Malcolm!

You, um...

left your backpack.

Maybe you should try taking
a really deep breath

before you start talking.
Yeah.

Francis, where have you been?

I've been looking for you
for days.

I'm sorry, Dad.
I've just been buried here.

Okay, listen, I've got kind of

a good news/bad news thing here.

Your mom lost her job,
and we're pretty broke.

The good news is, that makes
your tuition an issue.

Now, I think I can talk her
into letting you come home.

Dad, no, I can't come home!

Marlin Academy
is the best thing

that has ever
happened to me.

I am at a crucial point
in my rehabilitation.

Uh-huh. What's her name?

That's the thing--
there's, like, ten of them!

Check the peephole.

If they've got a hand truck,
don't open it.

Craig, what are
you doing here?

Lois, I just had a meeting
with Mr. Pinter--

well, more like an hour
begging, really--

but the point is, you can
have your old job back!

Yes!

Craig, that is such good news!

And all you have to do
is apologize.

And let him dock your pay
150 bucks.

And you have to work
the graveyard shift

for a couple months.

Oh.

Sounds good, Mom.

No, thanks.
What?!

You're kidding!
Why?!

Because that's like admitting
he's right.

I'm not going to do that.

Lois, if this makes
any difference,

I will work every graveyard
shift right alongside you--

every single one of them.

Oh, hi, Craig.
What's going on?

Nothing. Just business.

Take it easy, tiger.

We're working.

Well, I am.

Hi.

Back to the grind.

Nice guy.

Thank you, Tanya.

Tanya, that was
fantastic.

I swear, when you
put tap to it,

the Pledge of Allegiance
just comes alive.

One suggestion:
do you have a tube top?

Oh, Francis, you are
just wonderful.

I mean, you're so different
than the local boys.

I mean, I haven't even
known you that long,

and I already feel
so connected to you.

I know. It's almost mystical.

Yeah. And I'm so glad the
gay thing isn't an issue.

You're gay?

No, no, silly-- you are.

Wait, you think I'm gay?

Oh, you don't have to
hide anything, honey.

I mean, we're a lot
more liberal here

than you think we are.

I mean, it's not
like Birmingham.

Wait a minute--
you think I'm gay?

Why do you think I'm gay?

Oh, come on.

You like the theater,
you're good with decorating,

and, well, you're completely
obsessed with your mother.

Can you undo my hooks?

Tanya, I'm kind of having
a dilemma here...

Oh, great.
Frannie, can you spray me?

My suit keeps riding up.

That's why I'm here...
girlfriend.

So what did you
want to talk about?

I'm your teacher.
Can't we just talk?

You know, that
Julie Houlerman

is a very special
little girl.

Oh, come on!

Caroline,
I don't want to...

Malcolm, Malcolm, Malcolm.

So private, so guarded.

But you don't have to
be that way with me.

I'm on your side.

Julie knows that-- she's
not even in my class.

She talked to you?
About me?

What'd she say?

Aw, nothing that wasn't
obvious already.

You know, when you
open up to people,

you will always
be surprised

just how well
things turn out.

Surprise!

Isn't it wonderful?

Julie organized

the whole thing herself,
and everyone

in school responded.

Dear Malcolm, this
isn't just food.

It's an expression of how
we all feel about you.

Our hearts go out to you
in your time of need.

You're going
to keep the food?
Yes.

I'm not going to throw away
perfectly good pie filling

and... lamb chutney.

Don't you even care
how humiliating this is?

We've done can drives.

This is just the
crap people find

when they clean
out the garage.

Okay, just stop it.

I know how
hard this is,

but no one ever said
life is fair.

Sometimes decent,
hard-working people

get dumped on
for no good reason,

and they just have
to wipe out their eyes

and keep on walking.

Something will
turn up.

We just have to hold on
a little bit longer.

And in the meantime, be
thankful for small favors.

Anyone want the last olive?

Those aren't olives.

Those are peaches.

Well, you got him here
early, that's good.

He'll be fine
in a few days.

Just like when this
one ate the frog.

I only ate half of it.

I won't put
the stomach pump on the bill.

I mean, he did most
of the work on the way over.

Thanks, Don. Uh...

listen, as far
as the bill goes,

what kind of neighborhood
are we in?

Well... the emergency room,

couple days
of observation--

probably three or four.

Three or four...
hun...?

Okay.

You boys take
care of your dad.

I'm going to go see Mr. Pinter

and beg for my job back.

What? Mom, wait.

You don't have
to do that.

Yes, I do. I don't want to,

shouldn't have to,
but guess what?

I do.

But I want you boys
to understand something.

I am not going back
on anything I said before.

She's completely
going back on it,

but I'm not going
to kick her when she's down.

You're totally
going back on it.

No, I am not.

Everything I said before
still goes.

You know, sometimes
bad things happen

and you don't
understand why,

and you just have to trust that
there's a good reason for it.

Sure, it's easy
to work in mysterious ways

when you have a job.

The first one who laughs
gets their ass kicked.

You have
incredible hands.

Well, it's easy
on such a beautiful back.

Not to mention
the most talented...

sweet...

sexy...

What?

Francis...

are... are you sure
you're really...

how you are?

Tanya, I'm so confused.

I mean, I thought that I was,
but when I'm around you,

I have these...
strange, new feelings.

I feel like...
maybe I could... change.

That you could be
the woman who changes me.

Oh, Francis...

I was hoping you'd say that.

I want to be that woman

for you.

Oh, and don't
you worry, honey.

If there's one thing
we know how to do

down here,

it's how to fix this.

And with God's help,

we can say "no!" to weakness.

We can say "no!"
to all things unnatural!

It is procreation,
not recreation!

And when Satan tempts us,
what do we do?

Pray out the gay.

Get to it!

I have to say, Lois,
I'm surprised

by this change
in your attitude.

Yeah, well, me, too.

I know we've had
our differences,

but I hope that we
can make all this

water under the bridge.

So, if you'll
just sign here...

Mm, what's this?

Your apology.

I think I captured
your voice rather nicely.

You want it in writing?

Yes.

Look, Lois, you can
tell these clowns

whatever you want--
that I got on my knees

and begged you to come
back, I don't care.

I just want you and I to
know how things really are.

That's not a signature.

No, it's more
of a suggestion.

"The horse you rode in on"
is optional.

Now, look...

No, you look.

I don't deserve this.

The only thing
I ever did wrong

was all the work I did
to cover your butt.

Well, we obviously
have different

definitions of "wrong."

Yeah, I guess we do.

For instance,
I think it's wrong

for you to put your name
on sales reports

that you didn't write.

I think it's wrong you keep
a little bag of "herbs"

in your bottom left drawer.

I think it's wrong
you slept with

the district manager's wife.

And you want
to know something?

You don't even
have to worry about it,

because I also think it's wrong
to blab this kind of thing.

You know, you should be so glad
that I'm the only one that knows

this stuff about you.

Anyone else here would sell you
down the river in a second.

God, I am so much
better than you.

Yeah, he just ran off
and quit for no reason.

Huh, who knows why?

See, you do
the right thing,

and everything
works out for the best.

Clean.

I have Ho Hos-- real Ho Hos.

You know,
I'm sure I'm neglecting

my spiritual side, but...
money rules.

The best part is

I can finally get everything
straightened out with Julie.

Hi, Malcolm.

Look, we're not poor anymore!

So I don't want any more
of your stupid pity, okay?!

That helped, right?