Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 10 - Stock Car Races - full transcript
Hal takes the day off and the boys to the stock car races, while Francis gets into trouble with Commandant Spangler which leads to troubles with his fellow cadets, but that can not stop Francis from aiming for the next big possibility to screw up - this time it involves a Dog and a Snake. As Lois is searching for a check, she discovers more and more dirt on each family-member, hidden in the dustiest corners of the house, which she piles up for later use. Meanwhile the boys get bored at the tracks fast and get into problems on their own.
What are you looking at,
monkey boy?
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Reese!
What are you doing?
Help! Ow! Help! Mom, help!
No, cut it out. Cut it out.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Help! It hurts! Ow!
- Knock it off, you little...
- Reese!
What the heck are you doing?
Honest to God,
you can't leave that kid alone
for five minutes
without picking on him!
I didn't do anything, Mom.
Go!
He's lying!
I gave him that.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Honey, which juice
don't I like--
apple or grape?
You don't like either.
Oh, right.
Malcolm, what is all this
stuff from your teacher?
That woman sends home two
or three fliers every day.
She says she wants the parents
to be as involved as possible
with the children.
At school? It's the
only break I get.
What exactly is "personal
fulfillment week"?
Square dancing.
That's right,
square dancing.
You should see it.
The Krelboynes dance
on the tetherball courts
in front
of the whole school.
We laugh our asses off.
Excuse me?
Butts.
We laugh our butts off.
Uh-oh.
Open.
Swish.
Spit.
This tastes like crap.
Reese is right.
This class is turning me
into a total weirdo.
You are not a weirdo.
You are gifted.
And if gifted kids are
supposed to square-dance,
then you'll do it.
Probably teaches you geometry.
Don't forget to mail these
bills; they're late.
Ah. Ooh!
Two blues, only one pink.
We're doing better.
Well, don't get cocky.
They're hot until
I deposit my paycheck.
You kids, let's get going.
Come on, Malcolm!
You don't want them to
do-si-doing without you.
That's it!
For the sake of my manhood,
today I'm ditching school.
Hey!
Why don't I drive you boys
to school today?
Uh, that's okay, Dad.
I don't mind walking.
Oh, no, no, no.
I really want to.
A chance to spend
a few extra minutes
with my sons,
enjoying their company.
Honestly, son, it'll be
the highlight of my day.
Come on.
Great. Now I can't
even be mad at him.
Aw, Stanley.
Let me show you how it's done.
Uh-oh, eyes down.
That was good.
You didn't give them
any satisfaction.
In another six months,
they'll be bored with you.
That's got to hurt!
Mom was right.
I do get some sick thrill
out of trouble.
Ow!
That skinny guy!
Come on, get him!
Commandant on the floor.
Ten-hut!
I smell smoke.
Who is responsible?
Very well.
We'll do it the hard way.
Patton.
Francis, please lift up
your right foot.
Son, you have
the worst attitude
I've ever seen in 15 years
at this institution.
You seem compelled
to break every rule,
to flout every convention.
You are never
gonna make it--
in the Armed Forces
or anywhere else.
Now, I was never fortunate
enough to serve in combat,
but I do know what it requires.
Look at this dog.
He is vicious,
he is ungrateful,
and yet even he understands
the importance
of obedience.
Do you hear
what I am saying, Francis?
Yes, sir.
I'll try to be more like
a Jack Russell terrier, sir.
There will be
no hot water for this floor
for the entire month.
You can thank the cadet
after I leave.
Ow!
Reese wiped his booger
on my lunch bag.
Dewey, what have we taught you
about snitching?
"Only snitch
when asked to snitch."
Good boy.
So, looking forward to school?
I guess.
Well, that's a shame.
'Cause we're not going
to school.
Where are we going?
Boys, I'm going to share
something with you
I hope you'll remember
for the rest of your lives.
Now, I don't want
to spoil the surprise,
but I've been planning this
for years.
I just had to wait
until you were all old enough
to appreciate it.
Hookers?
If it gets me out
of square dancing, fine.
Just sit back
and enjoy the ride, boys.
We're rebels.
We're wild men!
Whoo!
Where did I put
the damn paycheck?
Yeah.
Those guys are wimps.
That's not even half the size
of the one I gave you
just to get you
out of riflery.
Hey, thanks
for pulling them off me.
I owe you one.
One?
Hey, you want to see
something very, very cool?
Oh, boy, what have
you done now?
Oh, isn't he beautiful?
He only cost me $20.
I'm calling him Otis.
Did you listen to
anything Spangler said?
You're already in
enough trouble as it is
without bringing in a pet.
Well, Spangler has
that oversized gerbil.
And besides,
Otis is not a pet.
Otis is a symbol.
Of what?
Of everything that is
beautiful in the world.
Independence...
free thought.
I may be stuck here in
this militaristic loony bin,
but at least some part of me
can stay connected
to the things
that give me my humanity.
You're not gonna
turn me in, are you?
I don't know.
On the one hand,
you're probably
gonna get caught,
because you always do.
Then, of course,
I'll be involved
even though I had
nothing to do with it.
On the other hand...
...it's a snake.
Good man!
I think I'm starting
to bring out the rebel in you.
Touching.
Right. Sorry.
♪ ♪
Stock car races!
Oh, cool!
That's right, boys.
The real field of dreams--
only with concrete
instead of all that grass.
♪ I don't want to work... ♪
We all together? Here we go.
Excuse us, please.
Here we go...
Oh, oh! Boys, boys?
You see that blue
car down in front--
- number 16?
- Yeah.
That is Rusty Malcolm.
The greatest man in the
history of the sport.
Maybe the greatest man ever.
15 NASCAR titles,
six world records.
Inventor of the in-car
urination system.
The list is endless.
And he came from nothing
just like you boys.
You see, this is Rusty's
last race ever.
He's retiring, so I
wanted to share him
with you before he went so
that you can see for yourselves
just how much you can accomplish
in this world with a...
a little persistence
and determination.
Did you read
that article in People
about him getting a divorce?
Shut your filthy mouth.
You know, you were named
after Rusty, Malcolm.
I was?
Yes sirree, Bob.
Took me two kids
to win that argument.
Gentlemen, start
your excitement,
because here they come!
He won!
Rusty Malcolm won!
Oh, no, sweetheart.
That was just the pace lap.
How many laps are there?
Oh, hundreds.
We've got four hours of this.
Four hours?!
Uh-huh.
Do we at least get to see
any flaming wrecks?
Reese, it's
not about that.
See, it's about strategy
and-and technique.
It's-it's about the melding
of man and machine.
The wrecks are
just sort of a bonus.
Dewey?
You can keep track
of the laps.
♪ ♪
Can we go get sodas?
What? Already?
Well, okay.
Guess it can't be a special
day without sodas, huh?
Here. Oh, hey, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
See if you can get
your dad a beer.
Take my I.D.
Come on, Rusty!
Firecrackers.
Malcolm.
I'm gonna say Reese.
Dewey, stay with us.
You're gonna get lost.
No, I won't.
Yes, you will.
You always do.
You know you could help.
I'm watching him.
He's right over...
Man, how does he do that?
Totally your fault!
He was right in your eye line.
You don't pay
attention to anything!
I pay attention.
Score!
What are you doing?
Too slow.
Come on.
Let's just go find Dewey.
This place sucks.
It's hot, it stinks,
nobody's T-shirts
cover their stomachs,
and I'm bored out of my mind.
Hey.
Look at that.
Let's check it out.
I don't know.
It doesn't just say "keep out,"
it says "forbidden."
And they wouldn't bother
making it "forbidden"
if it wasn't something totally
bitching on the other side.
Wow. I can't find a flaw
in his logic.
Come on. What's the worst
that could happen?
We didn't do anything!
I'm a diabetic!
I need insulin!
Sit down!
You are such an idiot!
It actually was pretty bitching.
I'm totally getting
one of these for Christmas.
What does the sign say?
"No soliciting."
Yeah, that includes Jesus.
No, it's Carolyn Miller,
Malcolm's teacher.
I need to talk to you.
Yeah, come on in!
Oh, spring cleaning?
Oh, ho.
Yeah, I'm cleaning house,
all right.
I'm sorry to bother
you at home,
but when Malcolm didn't
show up for school today...
What?
Malcolm cut school today?
Yeah. Actually, not just today.
Now, I know your first
reaction is probably
gonna be one of
understandable...
Wait!
"Ditching."
We have a winner!
Anyway, this week we've been
doing a lot of work
on folk movement,
and I-I think that Malcolm
may be ditching because
he's afaid that...
well, that he may
not seem... graceful.
Oh, you're serious.
Yes, I'm serious.
I think he may have body issues.
Look, honey,
you're probably very bright,
but you got a lot
to learn about boys.
First off,
they're able to think maybe
three minutes into the future,
and it's our job
to make sure that future
comes crashing down on them
within the time limit.
Otherwise,
they never learn anything.
Help lift.
What is that?
Don't be such a baby.
I'll get the tongs.
I'll be Kevin.
You be Clyde.
Think you can cry?
No. I got to feel it.
Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
No!
Just follow my lead.
No, Reese.
Whatever it is, no!
Well, I guess you boys
had some time
to think about what you've done.
Yes, sir.
Look, I, uh...
used to be your age.
And I understand how tempting
a place like that can be.
And I guess you kids
really didn't do any major harm,
so I've decided
to let you off...
Hi-ya!
You idiot!
Open it!
It's locked!
Okay, I think
I can cry now.
My pleasure, Rusty!
Hey, how about that, boys?
Well, this just plain
hurts my feelings.
Oh, man.
Oh, ma... Stanley,
I'm sorry, I did...
Wait. I'm trying to see
if I'm inspired
by its symbolic bid
for freedom.
No. I'm just really pissed.
Okay, don't overreact.
It's just a snake, right?
So, it's got to be
around here somewhere.
No big deal.
Oh, my God, Patton! No!
Hi, Mom. Uh, I was just thinking
about how much I missed you guys
and I love you, and...
I was thinking
I should come for a visit,
you know, like, today.
There's a flight leaving
in half an hour
and I already booked it,
so I just need
your credit card number to...
Well, honey, here's the thing.
Right now, you are
actually better off
being as far away from me
as possible.
But...
Aw, you got to trust me
on this one, Francis--
or, uh, should I say...
"Olaf Mortenson"
of Wheatville, Montana?
You know, I have learned more
in two hours with you
than I have
in six years of teaching.
So, did your life
turn out anything at all
like you planned?
Oh, God, no.
Oh, when I was a girl,
I had all these crazy,
romantic dreams.
I wanted to be
a blackjack dealer
in an Indian reservation.
Didn't work out.
Stubby thumbs.
Well, at least
you have your home
and your family.
All I come home to every night
are three howling cats
and... Bob.
Who's Bob?
My showerhead.
Do you have anything stronger?
I'm way ahead of you.
...and it looks like
Rusty Malcolm
will win his final race!
Rusty!
I can't believe
they're missing this.
What happened?
What happened?
Rusty do something?
Missed it!
What'd he do?
Men... a terrible tragedy
has befallen us.
At approximately 1700 hours,
our beloved Patton
was set upon by a serpent
and devoured.
I, myself, fired
a few rounds
as it slithered away,
but hampered by a lack
of depth perception,
my efforts were useless.
Now... after an incident
such as this,
certain questions arise.
Leaving aside for the moment
why God feels the need to take
away everything that I love,
that leaves us
with the matter of
who is responsible.
Can you explain that,
Francis?
Yes, sir. I believe
you lost that finger
trying to restart
the school lawnmower, sir.
What is in the hand?
They appear to be
Raisinettes, sir.
They are snake droppings,
found in your footlocker.
Now, what do you
have to say for yourself?
Sir, I'm obviously the victim
of an elaborate conspiracy
to frame me.
It's just too perfect, sir.
Two months!
No hot water, no television,
and an 8:00 p.m. curfew
for the entire academy.
Feel free to
thank the cadet
after I leave.
Could I ask one favor--
would you send a picture
to my mom with "I told you so"
written across it?
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah!
Way to go, man!
What?
We hated that
yappy, little rat.
Let's hear it for
Francis, you guys!
This is an improvement, right?
Reese!
Malcolm!
Hi, Dad.
Hi. Where are your brothers?
Oh, geez.
Come on.
Uh... what-what seems to be
the trouble here,
Officer, uh... Karl?
These your boys?
Uh, yes, sir, that they are.
Fine boys. Couldn't
be prouder of them.
For your information,
these are two of the worst kids
I have ever encountered
in my life.
And I work the state fair.
Really? See, that
must be fascinating.
Seeing people from all over,
the different cultures...
Hey!
I don't want to be
a hard case here,
but these kids
physically attacked me.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Plus, they completely destroyed
a $300 pneumatic drill, which
someone's going to pay for.
Well, this all sounds
pretty serious.
But don't you worry,
Officer Karl.
They are gonna hear all about
when I get them home. You see,
I'm just sorry that they had
to put you through all of this.
That's not fair.
And I, uh, see, I fully
intend to pay for... Aah!
Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Ooh!
Okay.
All right, men.
Well, I hope you've all
learned something today, huh?
I learned my dad
is actually capable
of doing something cool.
I'm not saying violence is cool,
but that was cool.
I always wondered
where we got it from.
Program... tickets...
Huh.
Your mother's paycheck.
Now, boys, remember,
as far as your mom knows...
I have been at work all day.
Okay, go on.
All right.
Well, at least she doesn't know
I skipped school all week.
monkey boy?
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Reese!
What are you doing?
Help! Ow! Help! Mom, help!
No, cut it out. Cut it out.
Ow! Ow! Ow!
Help! It hurts! Ow!
- Knock it off, you little...
- Reese!
What the heck are you doing?
Honest to God,
you can't leave that kid alone
for five minutes
without picking on him!
I didn't do anything, Mom.
Go!
He's lying!
I gave him that.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Honey, which juice
don't I like--
apple or grape?
You don't like either.
Oh, right.
Malcolm, what is all this
stuff from your teacher?
That woman sends home two
or three fliers every day.
She says she wants the parents
to be as involved as possible
with the children.
At school? It's the
only break I get.
What exactly is "personal
fulfillment week"?
Square dancing.
That's right,
square dancing.
You should see it.
The Krelboynes dance
on the tetherball courts
in front
of the whole school.
We laugh our asses off.
Excuse me?
Butts.
We laugh our butts off.
Uh-oh.
Open.
Swish.
Spit.
This tastes like crap.
Reese is right.
This class is turning me
into a total weirdo.
You are not a weirdo.
You are gifted.
And if gifted kids are
supposed to square-dance,
then you'll do it.
Probably teaches you geometry.
Don't forget to mail these
bills; they're late.
Ah. Ooh!
Two blues, only one pink.
We're doing better.
Well, don't get cocky.
They're hot until
I deposit my paycheck.
You kids, let's get going.
Come on, Malcolm!
You don't want them to
do-si-doing without you.
That's it!
For the sake of my manhood,
today I'm ditching school.
Hey!
Why don't I drive you boys
to school today?
Uh, that's okay, Dad.
I don't mind walking.
Oh, no, no, no.
I really want to.
A chance to spend
a few extra minutes
with my sons,
enjoying their company.
Honestly, son, it'll be
the highlight of my day.
Come on.
Great. Now I can't
even be mad at him.
Aw, Stanley.
Let me show you how it's done.
Uh-oh, eyes down.
That was good.
You didn't give them
any satisfaction.
In another six months,
they'll be bored with you.
That's got to hurt!
Mom was right.
I do get some sick thrill
out of trouble.
Ow!
That skinny guy!
Come on, get him!
Commandant on the floor.
Ten-hut!
I smell smoke.
Who is responsible?
Very well.
We'll do it the hard way.
Patton.
Francis, please lift up
your right foot.
Son, you have
the worst attitude
I've ever seen in 15 years
at this institution.
You seem compelled
to break every rule,
to flout every convention.
You are never
gonna make it--
in the Armed Forces
or anywhere else.
Now, I was never fortunate
enough to serve in combat,
but I do know what it requires.
Look at this dog.
He is vicious,
he is ungrateful,
and yet even he understands
the importance
of obedience.
Do you hear
what I am saying, Francis?
Yes, sir.
I'll try to be more like
a Jack Russell terrier, sir.
There will be
no hot water for this floor
for the entire month.
You can thank the cadet
after I leave.
Ow!
Reese wiped his booger
on my lunch bag.
Dewey, what have we taught you
about snitching?
"Only snitch
when asked to snitch."
Good boy.
So, looking forward to school?
I guess.
Well, that's a shame.
'Cause we're not going
to school.
Where are we going?
Boys, I'm going to share
something with you
I hope you'll remember
for the rest of your lives.
Now, I don't want
to spoil the surprise,
but I've been planning this
for years.
I just had to wait
until you were all old enough
to appreciate it.
Hookers?
If it gets me out
of square dancing, fine.
Just sit back
and enjoy the ride, boys.
We're rebels.
We're wild men!
Whoo!
Where did I put
the damn paycheck?
Yeah.
Those guys are wimps.
That's not even half the size
of the one I gave you
just to get you
out of riflery.
Hey, thanks
for pulling them off me.
I owe you one.
One?
Hey, you want to see
something very, very cool?
Oh, boy, what have
you done now?
Oh, isn't he beautiful?
He only cost me $20.
I'm calling him Otis.
Did you listen to
anything Spangler said?
You're already in
enough trouble as it is
without bringing in a pet.
Well, Spangler has
that oversized gerbil.
And besides,
Otis is not a pet.
Otis is a symbol.
Of what?
Of everything that is
beautiful in the world.
Independence...
free thought.
I may be stuck here in
this militaristic loony bin,
but at least some part of me
can stay connected
to the things
that give me my humanity.
You're not gonna
turn me in, are you?
I don't know.
On the one hand,
you're probably
gonna get caught,
because you always do.
Then, of course,
I'll be involved
even though I had
nothing to do with it.
On the other hand...
...it's a snake.
Good man!
I think I'm starting
to bring out the rebel in you.
Touching.
Right. Sorry.
♪ ♪
Stock car races!
Oh, cool!
That's right, boys.
The real field of dreams--
only with concrete
instead of all that grass.
♪ I don't want to work... ♪
We all together? Here we go.
Excuse us, please.
Here we go...
Oh, oh! Boys, boys?
You see that blue
car down in front--
- number 16?
- Yeah.
That is Rusty Malcolm.
The greatest man in the
history of the sport.
Maybe the greatest man ever.
15 NASCAR titles,
six world records.
Inventor of the in-car
urination system.
The list is endless.
And he came from nothing
just like you boys.
You see, this is Rusty's
last race ever.
He's retiring, so I
wanted to share him
with you before he went so
that you can see for yourselves
just how much you can accomplish
in this world with a...
a little persistence
and determination.
Did you read
that article in People
about him getting a divorce?
Shut your filthy mouth.
You know, you were named
after Rusty, Malcolm.
I was?
Yes sirree, Bob.
Took me two kids
to win that argument.
Gentlemen, start
your excitement,
because here they come!
He won!
Rusty Malcolm won!
Oh, no, sweetheart.
That was just the pace lap.
How many laps are there?
Oh, hundreds.
We've got four hours of this.
Four hours?!
Uh-huh.
Do we at least get to see
any flaming wrecks?
Reese, it's
not about that.
See, it's about strategy
and-and technique.
It's-it's about the melding
of man and machine.
The wrecks are
just sort of a bonus.
Dewey?
You can keep track
of the laps.
♪ ♪
Can we go get sodas?
What? Already?
Well, okay.
Guess it can't be a special
day without sodas, huh?
Here. Oh, hey, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
See if you can get
your dad a beer.
Take my I.D.
Come on, Rusty!
Firecrackers.
Malcolm.
I'm gonna say Reese.
Dewey, stay with us.
You're gonna get lost.
No, I won't.
Yes, you will.
You always do.
You know you could help.
I'm watching him.
He's right over...
Man, how does he do that?
Totally your fault!
He was right in your eye line.
You don't pay
attention to anything!
I pay attention.
Score!
What are you doing?
Too slow.
Come on.
Let's just go find Dewey.
This place sucks.
It's hot, it stinks,
nobody's T-shirts
cover their stomachs,
and I'm bored out of my mind.
Hey.
Look at that.
Let's check it out.
I don't know.
It doesn't just say "keep out,"
it says "forbidden."
And they wouldn't bother
making it "forbidden"
if it wasn't something totally
bitching on the other side.
Wow. I can't find a flaw
in his logic.
Come on. What's the worst
that could happen?
We didn't do anything!
I'm a diabetic!
I need insulin!
Sit down!
You are such an idiot!
It actually was pretty bitching.
I'm totally getting
one of these for Christmas.
What does the sign say?
"No soliciting."
Yeah, that includes Jesus.
No, it's Carolyn Miller,
Malcolm's teacher.
I need to talk to you.
Yeah, come on in!
Oh, spring cleaning?
Oh, ho.
Yeah, I'm cleaning house,
all right.
I'm sorry to bother
you at home,
but when Malcolm didn't
show up for school today...
What?
Malcolm cut school today?
Yeah. Actually, not just today.
Now, I know your first
reaction is probably
gonna be one of
understandable...
Wait!
"Ditching."
We have a winner!
Anyway, this week we've been
doing a lot of work
on folk movement,
and I-I think that Malcolm
may be ditching because
he's afaid that...
well, that he may
not seem... graceful.
Oh, you're serious.
Yes, I'm serious.
I think he may have body issues.
Look, honey,
you're probably very bright,
but you got a lot
to learn about boys.
First off,
they're able to think maybe
three minutes into the future,
and it's our job
to make sure that future
comes crashing down on them
within the time limit.
Otherwise,
they never learn anything.
Help lift.
What is that?
Don't be such a baby.
I'll get the tongs.
I'll be Kevin.
You be Clyde.
Think you can cry?
No. I got to feel it.
Ooh, ooh, I got an idea.
No!
Just follow my lead.
No, Reese.
Whatever it is, no!
Well, I guess you boys
had some time
to think about what you've done.
Yes, sir.
Look, I, uh...
used to be your age.
And I understand how tempting
a place like that can be.
And I guess you kids
really didn't do any major harm,
so I've decided
to let you off...
Hi-ya!
You idiot!
Open it!
It's locked!
Okay, I think
I can cry now.
My pleasure, Rusty!
Hey, how about that, boys?
Well, this just plain
hurts my feelings.
Oh, man.
Oh, ma... Stanley,
I'm sorry, I did...
Wait. I'm trying to see
if I'm inspired
by its symbolic bid
for freedom.
No. I'm just really pissed.
Okay, don't overreact.
It's just a snake, right?
So, it's got to be
around here somewhere.
No big deal.
Oh, my God, Patton! No!
Hi, Mom. Uh, I was just thinking
about how much I missed you guys
and I love you, and...
I was thinking
I should come for a visit,
you know, like, today.
There's a flight leaving
in half an hour
and I already booked it,
so I just need
your credit card number to...
Well, honey, here's the thing.
Right now, you are
actually better off
being as far away from me
as possible.
But...
Aw, you got to trust me
on this one, Francis--
or, uh, should I say...
"Olaf Mortenson"
of Wheatville, Montana?
You know, I have learned more
in two hours with you
than I have
in six years of teaching.
So, did your life
turn out anything at all
like you planned?
Oh, God, no.
Oh, when I was a girl,
I had all these crazy,
romantic dreams.
I wanted to be
a blackjack dealer
in an Indian reservation.
Didn't work out.
Stubby thumbs.
Well, at least
you have your home
and your family.
All I come home to every night
are three howling cats
and... Bob.
Who's Bob?
My showerhead.
Do you have anything stronger?
I'm way ahead of you.
...and it looks like
Rusty Malcolm
will win his final race!
Rusty!
I can't believe
they're missing this.
What happened?
What happened?
Rusty do something?
Missed it!
What'd he do?
Men... a terrible tragedy
has befallen us.
At approximately 1700 hours,
our beloved Patton
was set upon by a serpent
and devoured.
I, myself, fired
a few rounds
as it slithered away,
but hampered by a lack
of depth perception,
my efforts were useless.
Now... after an incident
such as this,
certain questions arise.
Leaving aside for the moment
why God feels the need to take
away everything that I love,
that leaves us
with the matter of
who is responsible.
Can you explain that,
Francis?
Yes, sir. I believe
you lost that finger
trying to restart
the school lawnmower, sir.
What is in the hand?
They appear to be
Raisinettes, sir.
They are snake droppings,
found in your footlocker.
Now, what do you
have to say for yourself?
Sir, I'm obviously the victim
of an elaborate conspiracy
to frame me.
It's just too perfect, sir.
Two months!
No hot water, no television,
and an 8:00 p.m. curfew
for the entire academy.
Feel free to
thank the cadet
after I leave.
Could I ask one favor--
would you send a picture
to my mom with "I told you so"
written across it?
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah!
Way to go, man!
What?
We hated that
yappy, little rat.
Let's hear it for
Francis, you guys!
This is an improvement, right?
Reese!
Malcolm!
Hi, Dad.
Hi. Where are your brothers?
Oh, geez.
Come on.
Uh... what-what seems to be
the trouble here,
Officer, uh... Karl?
These your boys?
Uh, yes, sir, that they are.
Fine boys. Couldn't
be prouder of them.
For your information,
these are two of the worst kids
I have ever encountered
in my life.
And I work the state fair.
Really? See, that
must be fascinating.
Seeing people from all over,
the different cultures...
Hey!
I don't want to be
a hard case here,
but these kids
physically attacked me.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Plus, they completely destroyed
a $300 pneumatic drill, which
someone's going to pay for.
Well, this all sounds
pretty serious.
But don't you worry,
Officer Karl.
They are gonna hear all about
when I get them home. You see,
I'm just sorry that they had
to put you through all of this.
That's not fair.
And I, uh, see, I fully
intend to pay for... Aah!
Clyde, Kevin! Get to the car!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
Ooh!
Okay.
All right, men.
Well, I hope you've all
learned something today, huh?
I learned my dad
is actually capable
of doing something cool.
I'm not saying violence is cool,
but that was cool.
I always wondered
where we got it from.
Program... tickets...
Huh.
Your mother's paycheck.
Now, boys, remember,
as far as your mom knows...
I have been at work all day.
Okay, go on.
All right.
Well, at least she doesn't know
I skipped school all week.