Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 11 - Funeral - full transcript

"I'll say yon grey
is not the morning's eye.

"'Tis but the pale reflex
of Cynthia's brow.

"Nor that is not the lark

"whose notes do beat

"the vaulty heavens
so high above our head.

"I have more care to stay
than will to go.

Come, death. And welcome."

Yes! He nailed it!

Malcolm...

that was wonderful!

So sensitive
and full of passion.



It was just beautiful.

Before you say anything,

just remember
we're best friends.

So that wheelchair

isn't gonna stop me
from kicking your ass.

Bring it on, Homeo.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪



♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

What do you mean
what happens when you die?

You're dead.

That's it.
Oh, now,

honey, that's not quite true.

Actually, son, after death

your body undergoes

a fascinating series of changes.

First, it bloats up
like a balloon.

Then shrivels like a raisin.

Then tiny microbes

you can't even see,
but are on you right now,

start to devour your flesh

and return all the elements
in your body back to the soil.

Now, some people will tell you

that your hair keeps growing,
but that's... that's a myth.

It's actually your head
that shrinks.

Now, go get ready
for Aunt Helen's funeral.

Julie, listen, I'm sorry
I'm canceling out so late.

That's okay.

I mean, it's a funeral.

So, were you close
with your aunt?

No, but I guess my mom was.

She keeps saying
how important this is.

Anyway, I'm really sorry.

Especially since you're stuck
with the extra ticket.

Well, that's okay.

Maybe I'll ask Jimmy to go.

Who's Jimmy?

Jimmy Westcott.
He plays football.

Bye.

Oh, yeah. Life's fair.

Did you call that girl?

Yes, I called her.

I called her and told her
I couldn't go to the concert.

And now she's probably going
to invite someone else.

Well, Malcolm, I'm sorry
that my mother's sister--

the woman who took care of me
every day after school--

had to die and inconvenience

your social life.

She does it on purpose.

I could have made up a million
different escape plans,

but now my brain
is filled with mom guilt.

Who's this?

How should I know?

Hal?

Beats me.

Dewey?

Is this a friend of yours?

Uh-huh.
Who is he?

I don't know.

What's your name, son?

Egg.

Did he say Greg?

I thought he said Craig.

His name is Egg.

"Egg"?
I named him.

Well, you can't keep him.

He needs to go home, okay?

Okay.

This stinks.

Whether it's a wedding,
a funeral or court date,

these family gatherings
are always the same.

Ooh! I just can't take
my hands off that face!

I can't wait till I get zits.

At least then I can fight back.

Hal, you have to get ready.

Why are you still messing around
with those record albums?

Well, I thought I was gonna
spend today in the garage

listening to them
on my quadraphonic.

But now that we're going
to the funeral,

I have to reseal
the shrink wrap.

Hal!
I'll hurry, okay?

I have to get
my speech ready anyway.

Honey, you know
you don't have to talk

at every funeral we go to.

Whew, I wish that were true.

You see how people look to me

when they ask if somebody has
a few words to say?

They're not looking to you,
they're looking at you.

To, at... what's
the difference?

Hello.

Hey, Mom, I'm just warning you,

someone claiming to be the
commandant might call you soon.

It's just this guy
down the hall.

Just play along and pretend
you believe him.

He's totally harmless.

Francis, I really can't
talk to you right now.

We're on our way
to Aunt Helen's funeral.

Aunt Helen died?

Well, I sure hope so.
We're going to her funeral.

Well, when did she die?

Mom, why didn't
anybody tell me?!

Uh, well, honey, we just,

we didn't want to have
to worry you over nothing.

Nothing? She's dead!
How's Uncle Fred taking it?

Well, I don't think he's thought
too much about it.

He died about two months ago.

What?!
Francis, I'm sorry.

I really have to go. Here.

Talk to your brother.
Mom?

Hello?

All right, let's see it.

I can't breathe.

Fine.

You know the drill.

Upgrade.

See?

Problem solved.

Hello?

Oh.

Okay, well, you can wear

one of the suits that
Uncle Fred left you.

Aw, Mom, a dead suit?

Cool. A dead suit.

Dewey, why don't you help
your little friend

find his way out?
I did.

He keeps coming back.

This thing's
an open casket, right?

I think so. Why?

Because I'm going to stash
this with Aunt Helen.

What is that?

It's a Mighty Man.
Mom and Dad had it

in the back of their closet
for some reason.

I'm Mighty Man.
It's Dewey's
birthday next week.

This is his present.

Oh.
What'd you do to it?

I stomped on it.
Why would you do that?

Look, I don't know why
I do the things I do.

I just know I don't
want to get caught.

That's why Aunt Helen
is getting a new friend.

You're gonna bury
that with her?

You are so dead.

Hey, I watch lawyer shows.

Mom will think I did it,

but she can't prove it
without this.

It's in the Constitution--

no evidence, no conviction.

E pluribus unum.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, honey.
Hey, you know,

I finally found my joke cards.

For some reason, they were
behind the water heater.

Really?
Hey, how's this?

"A priest, a rabbi
and Uncle Fred are..."

Oh, well, Aunt Helen.

"...are playing golf
with Saint Peter."

Hal, please!
Hey, have you seen
my pun file?

It's in a box marked
"laughter thoughts."

Laughter thoughts?

How did she die?
Cats ate her face.

Dewey, I think you're confused.
I'm asking about Aunt Helen.

Cats ate her face.
Look, would you just

put Mom or Dad on the phone?

Hello.
Dad!

What happened to Aunt Helen?

Cats ate her face.

Well, here, Dewey knows
more about it than I do.

Mom, I hate wearing
Reese's hand-me-downs.

Look at this.

Jelly in the pockets,
the fly's broken,

and it smells like wet dog.

Well, you should be glad
he only wore it once.

You know, I'm trying
to be there for Mom.

But the annoyances are starting
to outweigh the guilt.

I'm this close to sneaking
out of the whole thing.

Well, I suppose you're
entitled to complain.

After all, it's
only my Aunt Helen.

What is she-- a mind reader?

And then there were
ants on her bones.

And the police came.
Dad, listen...

Hey, can you think of anything
that rhymes with cadaver?
Dad?

How long is this
funeral gonna take?

Including traveling time?
All day.

I know, I know.
But remember,

it'll make your mom happy.

Mom really loved
Aunt Helen, huh?

Oh, God, no.

Your mom hated her.

What? She "hated her"?
Mm-hmm.

Everyone did.
Horrible woman.

I used to have to forbid her
from calling here

'cause she always
made your mom cry.

I can't believe Mom
tricked me like that.

I'll tell you one thing--

I now consider myself
totally free

to ditch this funeral.

I got to call Julie.

Hello?
Malcolm!

Oh, thank God!
Somebody I can talk to.

Sorry, I have to make a call.

No...

So, your aunt's... not dead?

No. It turned out to be
one of those comas

where they think you're dead

and they put you
on the embalmer's table

and you wake up
at the last second.

It was a close call.

Uh, okay.

I guess we'll pick you up
at 2:00.

Great.

I figure I'll commit to it first
and come up with a plan later.

I always think better
under pressure...

or is it when
I'm not under pressure?

Oh, well. Too late now.

I'm ready to go.
Yeah. Hey!

You're taking a backpack
to the funeral?

My back gets cold.

Fair enough.

Look, Francis,

I guess I get scattered.
You know, sometimes I forget

what I told you, and you're
not here, so I don't...

I'm not there
because you sent me away.

I swear, I'm not even
a part of this family anymore.

Francis, it's very important
that you understand

that is not true.

But I don't have time right now.
I understand.

It's not like it's a matter
of life and death.

Oh, wait, it is!

Anyone else die in the last
five minutes

I should know about?

Francis, you want
to know everything

that's been happening?

Your father mowed the lawn,

Reese polished off
all the cereal,

and I dropped a frying pan
on my foot

and I got a big black toe.

You want me to send a picture?

Egg! Cut it out!

Who is Egg?

Oh, he's a new boy in the house.

What?!

Okay.

It'll only hurt for a second

and I'll get out of the funeral.

I can tell Julie
a really cool story

about how I got my black eye.

Aw, I'm so gutless!

Why are you taking so long?

Let's go.

Reese, listen.

I know it sounds crazy,

but I need you to hit me.

You idiot!

In the eye!

And leave a mark
for Mom to see?

Forget it.

No bruises, no evidence...

no crime.

I guess we move on
to plan B-- lying.

What book report?

I just remembered.

I have a big book report
due tomorrow.

And I haven't even
started reading it.

Standard technique--

you volunteer a small crime

to distract them
from looking for the big one.

So, what's the report on?

A Tale of Two Cities.

Oh, how many words?
750.

Was that on your
assignment sheet?
No, it's an addendum.

When did you get that?
Thursday.
I didn't bring it home.

That's why I forgot
to do the assignment.

Ooh, nice one.

Well, I suppose
if it's schoolwork.

That's the mislead.

Wait for the reverse.

A Tale of Two Cities.

Who's that by?
Charles Dickens.

Oh, I thought it was
Victor Hugo.
No, it's Dickens.

Is that the one
with Jean Valjean?

That's Les Miserables.
No, no.

Uh, isn't A Tale of Two Cities
the one with Jean Valjean,

where he's says, "It's a far,
far better thing I do..."

right before he steals
a loaf of bread?

No. Sidney Carton says that
right before they behead him.

I thought you hadn't read it.

What? No. I said
I hadn't written it.

And when is it due?

Tomorrow, I told you.

On Les Miserables?
Yes. No!

It's on Tale of Two Cities.

Which you haven't read yet.
Right.

But you just said you did.

No, I-I said I didn't,
and then you said...

It was Thursday, and...

Look, I just don't want to go
to this stupid funeral!

There's no reason for me
to go, and I want to go

- to the concert with Julie!
- Let's go, let's go.

I'll be waiting in the car.

Malcolm?

I am ashamed of you.

Wanting to deny your
poor Aunt Helen her due.

No, that won't work on me,
because I know

you didn't love Aunt Helen.
You hated her!

Of course I hated her. What does
that have to do with anything?

What?
Malcolm, this isn't about love.

It's about family.

We have a duty to this family.

And we are darn well
gonna do it!

But why? It's not fair!

You can't just stick the word
"family" in front of something

and turn everyone
else into slaves.

It makes no sense.

No one liked this woman.

So why do we have to
pretend like we did now?

What good will it do anybody?

Hal?

I got nothing.

I could really use
some support here.

Excuse me?

I am being
incredibly supportive.

I'm giving up my entire day
for this-this thing.

And you don't hear me
complaining.

Hal, it was a bunch
of old record albums.

It's not like you're not giving
up something important.

Well, they're important to me.

You-you people!

I can't believe you.

I asked you to do
one thing that...

You're not asking;
you're ordering.

After all I do for this family.

I cook, I clean,
I spackle, I plunge.

And none of it means anything
to any of you people!

And the one time
I ask you for something--

something that I shouldn't even
have to ask you for--

and all I get are complaints!

Well, what about me, hmm?

You think I want to be
cleaning out the gutters

when I could be
surfing the beaches of Europe

or-or cruising around on my hog?

What hog?!
Aha!

Exactly! Where's my hog?!

Where do you think you're going?

I have had it!

From now on,
no one has to do anything.

We can all just do
whatever we want!

And I want to take

a bubble bath!

Fine!

So, that's a "yes"
on the concert?

Come on, come on.

Are you gonna be
in there all day?

If I feel like it.

Fine. Just so you know,
when I'm done in the garage,

I'm using the bathroom
whether you're in here or not.

Mom?

I think we should go
to Aunt Helen's funeral.

I mean,
she was a good woman.

It's the least we can do.

I don't know
what you're trying to pull,

Reese, but I don't like it.

Am I the only one
that cared about her?

Yes, you're the good one.

Enjoy your moment in the sun.

Now, get out of here.

This is me time.

Hey, Reese,
which one stinks more?

What's your problem?!

You couldn't keep your big mouth
shut until after the funeral.

Now I'll have to wait
for another relative

to die to bury this thing.

It could be weeks!

You'll think of something.

No, I won't.

You have good ideas
all the time.

But for me, this was special.

Hey! You can't leave
this mess here.

I've got a guest coming over.

Too bad.
Thanks to you,

no one has to do
anything anymore.

It's anarchy, baby.

That's the word, right?

Um... Mom?

I was just wondering

if you could wash
this shirt for me?

You must be joking.

But you're the only one
that knows how to use

the washer and dryer
without getting shocked.

Please?

Well... since you said please.

Here you go.

All washed.

I think you've been
in the garage long enough.

Okay.

Gosh!

Well, no, no, no.

You are gonna get
your own outlet.

Uh... okay, here we go.

Okay... okay, here we are.

Come on.

Come on. God.

Gotcha!

Oh.

No, not my problem today.

♪ Well, I don't know
why I came here tonight ♪

♪ I got a feeling
that something ain't right... ♪

Hand me that loofah.

He wants juice.

Go get your own juice.

You said I'm not supposed to.

You're right.

Okay, from now on,

you are officially old enough
to get your own juice.

Poof.

♪ Yes, I'm stuck
in the middle with you ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
what it is I should do... ♪

Darn it.

Darn it.

Darn it.

Mom!

I spilled!

So? Clean it up!

♪ Jokers to the right,
here I am ♪

♪ Stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ Well, you started off
with nothing... ♪

Green apple soap.

Girls like green apples, right?

Oh, man,
she got my pants wet, too!

♪ Here I am, stuck
in the middle with you... ♪

Hello?

Is Malcolm here?

Is Malcolm here?!

Huh?

Malcolm!

Malcolm?

Julie!
Nothing.

♪ On the back and say please ♪

♪ Please... ♪

Oh, my God!

Are you okay?

I just wanted to be nice!

People told me not
to come to your house!

But I thought they
were just being silly!

Julie, I'm sorry!

Things aren't
usually like this.

Just give me a minute
and I'll be ready to go.

I don't want to go anymore!

Just leave me alone!

♪ Out of my chair ♪

♪ And I'm wondering
how I'll get down the stairs ♪

How could you let her see me
in my underwear?!

Mom, this has gone too far!

You have to do something!

It's not supposed
to be like this.

We're not supposed
to injure my friends.

We're not supposed to let people
see me in my underpants!

We're supposed to be there
for each other.

Like when a family member dies,

and we're supposed to go
to their funeral?

I'll be in my room.

Then she slid into the trash
and ran off.

I swear, this whole family
is falling apart.

Oh, yes! I knew
this moment would come.

They don't have
their scapegoat around,

so everything goes to hell.

No one realized that I'm the one
who held this family together.

Without me
to blame everything on,

they don't know what to do
with themselves.

A scapegoat... thanks.

Mom thinks...

He's right.

This family needs a scapegoat.

I started this, so I should be
the one to end it.

I did a terrible thing today.

I tore this family apart.

And I'm really sorry for that.

But...

it's not half as bad...
as what Reese did!

Oh, my God!

I'm Mighty Man.
Was this Dewey's present?

Present?

Reese, how could you?

Do you know how
expensive this was?

Hal?
I'm on it.

That was a terrible thing to do

to your little brother.
There's more!

He was gonna bury it
with Aunt Helen!

You were going to make
Aunt Helen spend eternity

with a crushed Mighty Man?

A Mighty Man?

I can't believe you!

This is a whole
new low, Reese.

First of all,
this is all circumstantial.

I don't know how that thing
got in my backpack.

As for this Aunt Helen
business, no one knows

what I would've done at that
funeral because we're not going.

Who says we're not going?

You did.
Well, you can guess again.

You are gonna march
right up to that coffin,

and apologize
to that poor, dead woman.

We all are.

All right,
everyone in the car as is.

We'll have to drive creatively,
but we might make the end.

Let's go. Chop, chop!
Here we go!

Egg!
Come on!

Aunt Helen used to say...

"Oh, you're gonna
miss me when I'm gone."

And, uh, by the looks
of today's turnout,

I can see it wasn't
just an idle threat.

Yeah, Francis,
your father's giving a speech.

And it's actually
kind of good.

Can I get my phone back?

I'm almost done, sweetie.

Oh, Aunt Helen
looks just lovely.

You turn right back around,
mister!

You'll never guess
what Reese did.

Well, it's been
a pretty productive day.

I made Julie Rulerman hate me.

Reese is gonna kill me
the second we get home.

And right now,

Aunt Helen is personally
bad-mouthing me to God.

You want some more water,
Uncle Louie?

Sure.

I need someone to put in
a good word for me.