Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 12 - Cheerleader - full transcript

♪ Doo, be, doo, be, doo ♪

♪ Doo, be, doo-be-doo ♪
♪ Doobee, doobee, doobee-do ♪

♪ Doo, be, doo-be-doo ♪
♪ Doobee-doobee-do be-dah ♪

♪ Doobee-doobee-do be-dah ♪
♪ Doo, be, doo, be, doo ♪

♪ Doobee-doobee-do be-dah ♪
♪ Doo, boo, doo, be-bah ♪

♪ Doo, be... ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doobee ♪

♪ Doo, doo-wah. ♪

All right, class.

Recess is over.

I know.



Malcolm, I think
you should say something

to your classmates.

They stayed inside
while you were out

playing ball with your friends.

Thanks.

♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪

♪ I don't know ♪

♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪



♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big ♪

♪ Life is unfair. ♪

I don't know why Mom makes me
get up at 8:00.

School doesn't even start
till 8:15.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You look different.

I took a shower.

I knew it!

...on the state-
legislature-sponsored initiative

limiting the cabinet's attitude

of overanalyzing past
and current positions,

aimed toward curbing this type
of governmental interference.

In international news,
boring, boring, boring.

I'm incredibly boring.

Do you know who's boring? Me.

Boring, goring, zoring,
loring, doring, noring, foring.

Why haven't you changed
the channel yet?

What? I took a shower.

Is that a crime?

Reese, is this going
to be a daily thing?

Because we got a schedule...

Honey, let me
handle this.

Son, are you on drugs?

No, it's just...

Why doesn't everyone
just leave me alone?!

Wow. Usually we don't get
someone storming off

from the table
until after pancakes.

Hey, kids, it's a new,

improved sleepy-time Herbie,

now with super-sleepy
fuzzy fur.

I'm sleepy.

Herbie's not available
in stores.

Order yours now

through this special TV offer.

Hi, Dewey.

I can make you happy.

I can make your brothers
be nice to you.

I can get you out of school.

Your parents want
to buy me for you.

All you got to do is ask them.

They're right there
in the kitchen.

Why don't you go ask them?

Go on. Yeah.

Go ask them.

Can you buy me
a Herbie?

No, they're too expensive.

Maybe. Ask me again
in four seconds.

Can you buy me a Herbie, please?

Didn't you just hear me?

I said no.

Ask louder.

Son, what were you thinking?!

Stealing 200 frogs
from the biology lab

and setting them loose
on the highway!

I was freeing the
alleged frog, sir.

Killing live animals in the
name of science is inhumane.

No! Inhumane is
sitting in a car

for two and a half hours

when I live only eight blocks
from campus.

Sir, I didn't mean to...

I am very tired

of all the things
that you didn't mean to do.

You didn't mean to come in
four hours after curfew.

You didn't mean to replace
the morning reveille record

with a selection from
trip-hop wizard Tricky.

Maybe I should
just rename this

"Francis's
'I didn't mean to' file."

That would be
a bold choice, sir.

Glibness.

What a surprise.

I'm giving you exactly
ten seconds to tell me

why I shouldn't put you
on latrine detail

for the rest of this semester.

Okay. Um, why shouldn't
I have to clean toilets

for the next three months?

It's an intriguing question.

Is that a new tie, sir?

Four seconds.

What a beautiful beach.

Did you take this, sir?
'Cause...

you've certainly captured
your young male friend's Speedo.

That is a picture of me.

Now, if I were you,

I wouldn't try
to distract me and...

Sir?

Sir?

Hmm?

That'll be all, Cadet.

Were you crying?

No, I was reading.

You don't read.

Just shut the door, Krelboyne.

I'm still in here, perv!

Ha! You're crying.

Oh, man. You're crying.

You don't want
to talk about it, do you?

It's about a girl.

I should've just walked away.

Wendy Finnerman-- she hates me.

I don't know what to do.

I've tried everything
to make her like me.

I'm toilet-papering
her house tonight.

If that doesn't work,
I'm out of ideas.

Look, Reese,
maybe I can help you.

What am I
supposed to do?

I don't know.

Just try anything
that doesn't make her cry.

I guess you could start off

by finding out stuff about her.

You know, do the things
she likes to do.

Is that before or after
I go T.P. her house?

Instead.

All right.

I'll try it your way.

Thanks.

No problem.

I know I'm going
to pay for this, but...

Reese loves Wendy.

Reese loves Wendy.

Come here! Stay here!
Ha-ha!

Go Wildcats, go!

Go Wildcats, go, go!

Go Wildcats,
go, go!

Go Wildcats, go, go!

That's it.

Reese!

Reese, why are you
dressed like that?!

I figured out
what she likes.

I saw her cheering
for the football team,

so I joined the
cheerleading squad.

Why didn't you join
the football team, doofus?

She's a cheerleader.

Reese, you're a guy.

Guy cheerleaders
are the lowest of the low,

worse than band,
worse than Krelboynes.

The only thing lower is that guy

that never takes
his hand out of his butt.

Oh, Chester?

He's a cheerleader, too.

Does a lot of solo work.

I tried to help him.

I gave him advice.

I tried reasoning with him.

There's only one
thing left to do:

sit back and
laugh my ass off.

Good luck.

Come in, Cadet.

Look, sir...

I have the floor.

In the short time that
you have been under my care,

we have had
our share of conflicts.

In all my efforts
to get through to you,

I have tried
every method I know how.

And besides
mental and physical abuse, sir,

exactly which methods
would those be?

This photo made me
realize something.

I used to be like you.

Insolent, arrogant, cavalier.

Sir, I...
Floor!

Now, son, you are

on the precipice.

Now, I am going
to tell you a story

about my life, in the hopes
of finally getting you

to straighten yourself out.

Now, in the coming hours,
you are going to hear things

that are going to horrify you.

It sounds illuminating, sir,
but I have biology.

I've taken the liberty

of canceling
your next three classes.

Son, do you know
what a wet nurse is?

Dewey, have you forgotten me?
I thought we were friends.

All of the boys and girls

on your street are my friends.

They all bought me.

Your parents have lots of money.

They're just hiding it.

But I don't want you
to buy me for me.

It's for your own good.

I didn't want to tell you this,

but if you don't buy me,
you'll die.

Honestly, Hal, I don't know
what's wrong with Reese.

Oh, he's just
a little slow.

No. I mean the way
he's been acting.

Hey, Mom, where's the iron?

Ah.

It's a girl.
It's a girl.

Hal, it's time
for the talk.

I don't know
what you mean.

The talk, Hal.

Oh, geez, he's a little young,
don't you think?

You waited so long with Francis;
look what happened there.

All right,
but if I'm giving the talk,

all three boys are getting it
at the same time.

And I'm not doing it again.

So if we have any more kids,
they're on their own.

Mom, Dad,
I'd really like a Herbie doll.

I know it's expensive,
but I don't ask for a lot.

And I've been
very good lately.

I want it! I want it!
I want it! I want it!

I want it! I want it! I want it!

Looks like he
found the sugar.

Oh, doesn't he look
just like a little dust mop?

Ready? Hit it.

B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

B-E A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E!

What's that spell?

Be aggressive!

B-E aggressive!

V-I-C-T-O-R-Y.

That's the Wildcats' battle cry!

What a... geek.

I never thought...

I'd get... to say that.

Oh, my God.

I'm a Krelboyne with a
brother who's a cheerleader.

I could wet my
pants in public,

and it would be
a lateral move.

...O-R-Y.

That's the Wildcats' battle cry!

Success!

Victory, success!

Victory, yes!

Ow! Ow!

So clumsy.

Hey, Malcolm,

you think your brother
will lend me his corset?

When a Krelboyne
makes fun of you,

you know you're
in trouble.

See, that comment was
playing off the concept

that we all have
specific notions

of gender-appropriate roles.

At least they're
no good at it.

So there we were--

the ocean,
my stepfather and me.

As the storm raged overhead,

he made one final lunge
for the rudder.

I ripped it from his hands
and stared him down.

He knew that I was prepared
to kill him.

I left port

that day a 16-year-old boy.

I returned a man.

That was an amazing
story, sir.

I mean, I was
skeptical at first,

but we do have
something in common.

I mean, look at the way
both our mothers abandoned us.

What are you talking about?

You know, how I was
shipped off here

and you were left with your
wet nurse for all those years.

That story had nothing
to do with my mother.

It had to do with me
finally taking responsibility

for my own actions.

Just sounded like she may
have been a little bit distant.

Well, that is none
of your business.

I swear, you are absolutely
fixated on mothers.

I am not fixated.

Can you name one thing
in your life

that you don't blame
on your mother?

Sure.

I'm sorry.
I was just giving an opinion!

Well, it's that pop
psychology nonsense that's...

It is nothing to get
defensive about.

I am not defensive.

Every time anybody
denies a lie,

they're called defensive.

Fine. I take it back.
Your mother was a saint.

I am not saying
that at all.

Does this look anything
like a "Q"?

Reese, just stop this.

You're acting like a moron.

And you're making no
progress with Wendy.

And what the hell do you
need a "Q" for anyway?

You're right. I'm terrible.

I'm just not coordinated
unless I'm hitting somebody.

But I really like her.

I have to get good.

Listen to the words.

Good. Boy. Cheerleader.

Quit while you still
have some dignity.

Oh, and let her think
I'm a quitter?

You can't even remember
a simple six-step routine.

There's six steps?

Yes. It's just right, left,
right, left, reverse, pose.

You remember that
from just watching?

You guys did it,
like, ten times.

So...

you know my routine?

It's not that hard.

But... you know
my routine.

Yes, I do.

Look, I know where
this is going, and...

No, you don't.

You're going to help me.

That is where
I was going.

Oh. Good.
Let's get started.

No!
Oh, come on, you have to.

No. Don't you know
how embarrassing

that could be for me?

I know what's
more embarrassing.
What?

Getting beaten into a coma
by a good boy cheerleader.

My mother was neither
a Madonna or a whore!

She was a damn fine woman!

Stick your arms out!

We have to sell this!

Can you move your hand
a little to the left?

Spread your legs!

No!

I said spread your legs!

No!

It's time for the talk, Hal.

Come on, spread your legs!

I'm not spreading my legs!

Fight, fight, fight!
Fight harder!

Wildcats, help us out, fight!

Fight, fight, fight!

Fight harder!

Wildcats, help us out, fight!

We got spirit!
Wildcats, we got spirit!

Wildcats, we got what?
What, what, what?

What, what, what,
what, what, what, what?

We got spirit!

Wildcats, we got spirit!

Wildcats, we got what?
What, what, what?

What, what, what,
what, what, what, what?

We got spirit!

Yes. Yes.

Reese, that was incredible.

Who's been helping you
on your spirit kicks?

Come on, Reese,
I really have to go!

I'm the most worthless,
putrid loser in the world.

Everybody hates me.

I hate me.

Your brother in there?

Where else?

Reese? Come on out.
We need to have a talk.

Finally.

No, Malcolm, you're in
on this talk, too.

Me? Why do I
have to be here?

Relax-- it's going to be
far worse for me

than it is for you.

Boys, this talk

is very important,

so I need
your undivided attention.

It's very important

that you be bored
and squirm a lot.

Now, I want to tell you
about what happens

when a boy really,
really likes a girl.

And, Dewey, I'll try to make
this easy for you to understand.

Ah.

Aw, man, I still
play with that.

Here we go.

You see, there's a certain thing
that happens

between normal, healthy people.

It's called chemistry.

Well, that doesn't happen.

Except maybe the first time.

What does happen

is this.

I like you.

I like you, too.

And if they love each other

and take the proper precautions,
they'll have sex.

But I've told you
about that already.

Not me.

Well, ask your brothers.

Now, unfortunately,
if the boy is from our family,

it goes a little more like this.

I like you.

I hate you!

Now I love you!

Leave me alone!

Your insane neediness
is driving me away!

Look at me! Look at me!

Look, oh, I'm crazy! Look-it!

Ooh! Ooh! Pay attention to me!

Look at me!
Look at me! I'm crazy!

I'm an idiot!
I'm an idiot!

Watch me crash and burn!

There's no explaining it.

It's hereditary.

And it goes back
for generations.

Francis has it,
so does Uncle Pete.

It's why your great
grandpa went to work

on that oil rig in Peru.

All I know is
your mother must carry

some sort of internal antidote,

because, through some fluke,
I was lucky enough to get her.

I just wanted you boys
to know what you were in for.

There was so much I
wanted to tell her...

but she was gone.

And I... I...

Come on, sir.

Just say it.

I hated her!

All these issues with my mother.

I know now that this
was not an accident.

You know, talking with you
has helped me

work out some things
with my own family.

I mean, all those years
I blamed my parents

for every senseless act
of self-destruction.

And all this time, I was
at least partially responsible

for a couple of them.

You know, it really
means a lot to me

to know that I can come to you
when I need to talk.

Familiarity
breeds contempt, Cadet.

What are you doing?

What's the point?

You heard Dad. I'm doomed!

You can't quit! I've worked
too hard for you to quit now!

I hate to inform you, brain boy,

it's not about you,
it's about me.

That's before I spent
an entire day

with your hand on my ass!

You owe me!

I can't help you.

Yes, you can!

You can break the cycle
Dad was talking about!

You have to talk to Wendy!

I can't! I freeze up!

Do you want to end up
like Francis? Or Uncle Pete?

I don't care anymore!

Anything's better than this!

Even marrying Mom?

Dewey, your mother and I
want to talk to you.

You're a good boy.

But in life,

being good doesn't always

get you the things you want.

I guess what I'm trying
to say is

that when your mother and I
don't buy you a toy,

it doesn't mean
that we don't love you.

Hmm?

You just have to learn
that disappointment

is all part of being a grown-up.

But, luckily,
you're not a grown-up yet!

Ta-da!

Wow!

Oh, come on,
how cute is that?

Break me.

Okay.

Okay, second row.

Okay, ready?
Here we go.

I... I...

Did you say something?

Wendy, I really like you.

Like when a boy likes a girl--
normal and healthy.

I'm sorry for hurting
you all those times.

I'm really
not a bad guy.

Anyways... thanks.

I like you, too.

Really?

Yeah.

I even kind of liked
your bad boy side, too.

Oh, my God!

Call...

nine...

one...

Hello, Mother?

It's Edwin.

Yes, it has been a long time.

So be sure to try

the new and improved
Chip-A-Roo cookie today.

I can make you taller,
I can make you better-looking.

If you eat enough of me,
I can make you president,

maybe even emperor of the world.

Honey, can you buy me
a box of these cookies?

Make it two.

Make it two boxes.