Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 13 - Rollerskates - full transcript
Malcolm sucks at street-hockey, frankly because he has no skates. So he turns to his father, who trains all his sons in the secrets of skating before he allows them to have their own pair. Neither of his bigger brother tell him about his fathers training and Malcolm gets even more anxious as Hal gets very mysterious about it all, but nothing can prepare either one of them for what is to come. Lois hurt her back terribly and has to stay in bed, which does not keep her from tyrannizing Reese and constantly trying to avoid being drugged with pain medication by her loving husband Hal. At the military academy everybody is preparing for a weekend of survival training without any comfort, except for Francis who tries to ditch his comrades.
This isn't fair.
Yes, it is.
It's absolutely fair.
I'm getting hungry.
We're doing it my way.
They're getting cold.
You want them
divided up fairly or not?
You have more than me.
No, I don't.
We all have 29 inches
of fries so far.
I have two four-inchers,
five three-inchers
and three two-inchers.
You have five five-inchers
and a four-incher.
They're exactly the same.
Dewey!
Okay, we're going to assume
this was a four-incher
from the share pile.
117 minus three,
times 29, divided by three,
minus...
We each take a two-inch bite
out of this one.
Last week, we
had curly fries.
It took us
three hours.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Good job, Don!
Center it!
Aw, man.
He's wide open!
Shoot, shoot!
There it is!
In your... face.
I got it, I got it!
Car!
Good... game.
This... sucks.
You... mocking me?
No... tired.
Get... skates.
Can't.
Dad.
My dad was some kind
of skating champion
a long time ago.
He made a rule--
no one in the family
could buy skates until after
they take lessons from him.
So take... the lessons.
You don't get it.
My dad's, like, a total
fanatic about skating.
He doesn't even
call it skating.
He calls it...
"The Brotherhood
of the Wheel."
He taught Francis
and Reese,
and they've never
been the same after.
Gretzky shoots!
He scores!
He laughs
at the other Canadians!
Hey, Reese, remember
when Dad taught you
how to skate?
I don't want to talk about it.
Why can't you just tell me
what it was like?
One, I'm not
supposed to,
and two, I don't even like
to think about it.
It makes me cry.
Hey, hey, hey!
What's wrong with you?
You know you're not supposed
to skate in the house.
Why? Everyone else
in the world gets to.
Wait a minute.
Somebody stepped in something.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What a mess!
Reese...
what did you roll in?
Oh, man.
You have to admit,
it is kind of funny--
yelling so loud you actually
throw out your back.
Just try to relax.
Got the baby monitor
all set up here.
Now, if you need
anything, just holler--
but not too loud--
and I will get on it.
Oh, God.
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, God.
Lois, why don't you just take
the pain medicine
the doctor gave you?
Because they make me loopy.
I will not have this house
come crashing down around me
because I'm hopped up
on goofballs.
Mom, I'm really sorry.
Are you okay?
Oh, Reese, come to mama.
Closer, sweetheart.
Are you happy
you crippled your mother?
Mom...
Are you?
Mom. Mom. Ow!
Survival weekend?
What does that mean?
That means we
get to spend
two whole days out
in the wilderness
with limited supplies
and no food.
You're kidding, right?
No.
It's an excellent way to learn
basic survival techniques.
It's two days in the woods.
Our parents are paying
for room and board.
Where does that money go?
Sounds like a big scam.
Maybe so, but you're doing it.
What?
Francis, I let you
blow off a lot of things
around here,
but this is something
I believe in.
It's a character builder.
I think it'll be good for you.
How could it be good for me?
No food, no shelter.
No broken clavicles.
That's something
inside me, right?
What are you doing?!
Nothing.
Get a glass.
Don't you dare!
When I get well, I am going
to beat you blue, mister.
Get a glass!
All right. Okay.
Can I have some milk?
Yes, but get a glass.
Okay.
Hello, Francis.
I have a problem.
I need your advice.
Trust me, pal, whatever
you're going through
is not half as bad
as what I'm facing.
I'm thinking of asking Dad
for skating lessons.
Why does everyone do that?
What does he do?
Look, if I told you,
you'd just freak out,
but if you think you're ready,
my advice is
to get it over with quickly.
It's like pulling a giant
Band-Aid off your crotch.
I'm going to have a Band-Aid
on my crotch?
Who are you
talking to?
Francis.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I am in such pain
because of my back.
Doctor says I have to stay
in bed for at least three days
Mom...
with my leg up on a pillow
and then I'm supposed
to put ice on it.
Ice, not heat.
Look, Mom.
Have you ever heard
of such a thing?
I never heard of such a thing.
That doesn't make
any sense to me.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Here we go.
One more thing.
Huh?
Yeah?
Stop trying to drug my food.
Oh.
Where was I?
Francis?
Where wa...?
Uh, your back.
Oh, yeah.
So they say that my fourth
and fifth vertebrae
are out of alignment.
Apparently my shoulder muscles
are asymmetrical.
I mean, did you ever hear
of such a thing?
They say it's genetic.
It's the first case
of scream-induced
back trauma they've ever seen.
I swear, they paraded
every Tom, Dick and Harry
through that room
to take a look at me.
And me, I'm just lying there
with that little flimsy
paper thing on me
with my rear end flapping in the
breeze for all the world to see.
Boys, they're called...
Gut-busters.
They take a sausage,
stuff it with cheese,
wrap it with bacon,
and shove it in
a deep-fat fryer
full of lard.
They're indescribable.
Bon appetit.
Malcolm, where
have you been?
You got to get
in on this.
Dad... I want skating lessons.
Son, do you know,
once you start
there's no going back?
I know.
This means
total commitment.
Once you begin the path,
there is no
leaving the path.
Are you sure you're
ready for that?
I mean really ready?
I-I guess so.
Neat.
We'll start tomorrow.
Come on, dig in
before they harden.
Let's do it.
Stretch.
Nose to knees,
nose to knees,
and... release.
Ooh.
You feeling a
little limber now?
Mostly I feel sleepy.
Well, we have
to start early.
We've got a lot of
ground to cover.
Rule number one:
you can't question my ways.
I'm the top skate-dog.
Understood?
You may not like my methods,
but let me just show you
what you can accomplish
if you stick with it.
Should I be impressed
or horrified?
Dad, that was unbelievable.
Whew! That routine won me a gold
medal, a macramé plant hanger,
and your mother's heart,
all in the same afternoon.
What to see your skates?
Yeah.
Come on.
I prefer
a Saratoga four-wide,
but I know
you kids like that
in-line stuff.
So...
Whoa! They're beautiful!
They are, aren't they?
Wait, I don't get to wear them?
Oh, no... you're not ready
for those just yet.
That's just your incentive.
One step
at a time, Malcolm.
Roll to the gold. Huh?
You're going to start
with these.
Why do I have to...
Ah-ah-ah.
Top skate-dog.
Now, let's see you skate
through those cones.
I don't have skates.
Your skates are in here.
Go on.
Glide... and glide...
let your arms work with--
slow down.
Slower.
Slower!
This is going to rule.
All I'm taking is a canteen,
a knife, my bedroll
and some emergency rations.
Wuss.
Canteen, knife,
survival blanket.
That's all?
Dude, hard-core.
Let's rock.
You ready?
Ready as I'll ever be.
What is it?
My back.
I can't move.
It happens sometimes.
It's genetic.
My shoulder muscles
are asymmetrical,
and it pulls my vertebrae
out of alignment.
I'll be fine.
I just need to ice it.
Which vertebrae?
Fourth and fifth.
All right.
Take him to his room.
Hands out front
so you get a balance.
Hold it... hold it.
Why am I doing this?
Stop clouding your mind.
This is a process.
Dad, it's street hockey,
not clown school.
Process... and one
and down and over.
When am I ever
going to use this?
Full range of motion,
and point and bump,
and point and bump,
and point and bump,
and then we glide.
How about my skates?
Can I at least
try on my skates?
Absolutely not.
You need at least
two more days.
Two days?
Uh-huh.
I know enough
to play a stupid game
of street hockey now.
That's all I care about.
Malcolm, we go at
the speed I say.
This is about safety
and proper technique.
But it doesn't
make any sense.
That's because you're not
in a skating state of mind.
Now, that's it. Okay?
We're done. Go home.
You know what?
Thanks to your attitude,
we are now a day behind.
Fine!
The boy's fighting me, Lois.
Oh, he's got the talent,
but he's reckless and wild.
Fine. I'll
talk to him.
That's not what I'm asking.
Well, that's what
going to ha...
Would you just take
the darn pill... dear?
I can't believe
he cut me off.
You questioned his ways.
Never question his ways.
That just makes it
take even longer.
You going to go
play hockey?
You bet.
I'll see you out there...
in a month or two.
I don't know how yet,
but there's definitely a way
I can justify this.
Malcolm!
Dang, I thought
I'd at least
get a few minutes in
before he busted me.
You know what?
Screw it.
I'm sick of this.
What do you think
you're doing?
Taking my skates
to go play hockey.
Absolutely not;
we had an agreement.
Agreement?
You just like
bossing me around!
And you like fighting me
every step of the way!
Because you're treating
me like a baby!
The stuff you're
teaching me is stupid.
Okay, that's it.
You just lost these, pal.
Oh, yeah? Well...
...you.
You heard me.
Modeling isn't all glamour.
Sometimes you have to act like
it's hot when it's really cold.
People don't realize
how hard we work...
I am the only one who truly
understands you, Inga.
I cannot believe
you said that to Dad.
Oh, and by the way--
if you pass Francis
on your way to Siberia,
tell him I said hi.
Do you think he told Mom?
I wouldn't worry
about that.
Mom's feeling a lot better.
Dr. Reese paid her
a little visit.
What are you talking about?
Let's just say, pills
and sandwich-- not effective;
pills and milk-- effective.
I just, I just
don't get it.
I mean, I have always been
the good parent.
That's true.
I'm the nice one.
Yeah, that's true.
You're the bad one.
The system can't work
with two bad cops.
Oh, I hate cops.
Cops, eh...
You know what else
I hate?
Those what-do-you-
call-thems? Those, uh...
I just wasn't ready
for this from Malcolm.
...soap salesmen.
Not yet. But he stepped
over the line
and I don't think
there's any way back.
I mean, it's not as if
I caught him with a cigarette
and can make him smoke
a whole carton.
You know what?
I hate bigots, too.
Oh, I hate bigots.
Malcolm has always
been different.
God, why can't he be
like his brothers?
Reese took a swing at me,
Francis took a swing at me--
that I can deal with.
Block, chop, they're on
the ground gasping for air.
It's over with.
But this is like... words.
I mean, you know what
I hate the most of all?
I hate those gigantic
pink...
Oh, thank God.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Smoking!
Uh, Houston, we are good to go.
Uh, roger that.
You are good to go
in five, four, three, two, one.
Go!
Whoo!
Hey... fellas!
Boy, has it been
two days already?
How was it, huh?
You just missed the big fire.
But, um, luckily I was here
to put it out.
Can I offer you
some cookie dough?
Come on, guys,
let's be reasonable.
I can't spend two days
in the woods tied to a chair.
Three days--
one extra for lying.
Well, at least lend me a jacket!
Or some food!
Dudes, come on!
You can't leave me out here
with nothing!
That was to me,
not at me, right?!
Hal.
Honey, what are you
doing up?
Don't you "honey" me.
You slipped me drugs.
Oh!
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,
getting Reese to sandbag me
like that.
"Would you like some milk,
Mother?"
The kid's never brought me
one thing in his entire life.
And don't think I can't
smell those Gut-busters
coming out of your pores.
You are back on rice cakes,
mister,
starting now!
Boys, your mother's mobile.
Malcolm, I need to see you
in the backyard.
Now, you said what you said,
and we can't change that.
And it isn't the kind of
thing that could be solved
with an apology or
a simple punishment.
But we do need to find a way
to get past this. Agreed?
I guess so.
Good. Now, here's
how I see it:
this whole thing stems
from you feeling like
I treat you like a child.
So...
what's this?
That is ten pages,
single-spaced,
of filthy name calling.
What?!
They get worse
as they go along.
What am I supposed to do
with this?
Well, since you think
you're old enough
to use these kind of words,
I think you're old enough
to see the effect they have.
Malcolm, you are going
to look me in the eye
and say every last one
of these terrible things
to the man who held
you in his arms
the moment you were born.
But, Dad...
Uh-uh, I'm not your dad;
I'm, uh, here...
A stinkin' son of a...
To my face.
Continue.
♪ ♪
I can't.
You see, son? Words hurt.
That's why you have
to use them carefully.
I understand, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Okay. I think you've
had enough.
No, wait. I can make it
through the whole list.
I'm not going to let
you down again.
♪ ♪
Hole.
Good.
Very thorough.
Dad, will you please finish
teaching me how to skate?
Of course.
But let's not make eye contact
for a couple weeks.
You got it.
Aw, man.
Come on.
I know I look like an idiot,
but I'm kickin' ass!
Yes, it is.
It's absolutely fair.
I'm getting hungry.
We're doing it my way.
They're getting cold.
You want them
divided up fairly or not?
You have more than me.
No, I don't.
We all have 29 inches
of fries so far.
I have two four-inchers,
five three-inchers
and three two-inchers.
You have five five-inchers
and a four-incher.
They're exactly the same.
Dewey!
Okay, we're going to assume
this was a four-incher
from the share pile.
117 minus three,
times 29, divided by three,
minus...
We each take a two-inch bite
out of this one.
Last week, we
had curly fries.
It took us
three hours.
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Good job, Don!
Center it!
Aw, man.
He's wide open!
Shoot, shoot!
There it is!
In your... face.
I got it, I got it!
Car!
Good... game.
This... sucks.
You... mocking me?
No... tired.
Get... skates.
Can't.
Dad.
My dad was some kind
of skating champion
a long time ago.
He made a rule--
no one in the family
could buy skates until after
they take lessons from him.
So take... the lessons.
You don't get it.
My dad's, like, a total
fanatic about skating.
He doesn't even
call it skating.
He calls it...
"The Brotherhood
of the Wheel."
He taught Francis
and Reese,
and they've never
been the same after.
Gretzky shoots!
He scores!
He laughs
at the other Canadians!
Hey, Reese, remember
when Dad taught you
how to skate?
I don't want to talk about it.
Why can't you just tell me
what it was like?
One, I'm not
supposed to,
and two, I don't even like
to think about it.
It makes me cry.
Hey, hey, hey!
What's wrong with you?
You know you're not supposed
to skate in the house.
Why? Everyone else
in the world gets to.
Wait a minute.
Somebody stepped in something.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God! What a mess!
Reese...
what did you roll in?
Oh, man.
You have to admit,
it is kind of funny--
yelling so loud you actually
throw out your back.
Just try to relax.
Got the baby monitor
all set up here.
Now, if you need
anything, just holler--
but not too loud--
and I will get on it.
Oh, God.
Sorry. Sorry.
Oh, God.
Lois, why don't you just take
the pain medicine
the doctor gave you?
Because they make me loopy.
I will not have this house
come crashing down around me
because I'm hopped up
on goofballs.
Mom, I'm really sorry.
Are you okay?
Oh, Reese, come to mama.
Closer, sweetheart.
Are you happy
you crippled your mother?
Mom...
Are you?
Mom. Mom. Ow!
Survival weekend?
What does that mean?
That means we
get to spend
two whole days out
in the wilderness
with limited supplies
and no food.
You're kidding, right?
No.
It's an excellent way to learn
basic survival techniques.
It's two days in the woods.
Our parents are paying
for room and board.
Where does that money go?
Sounds like a big scam.
Maybe so, but you're doing it.
What?
Francis, I let you
blow off a lot of things
around here,
but this is something
I believe in.
It's a character builder.
I think it'll be good for you.
How could it be good for me?
No food, no shelter.
No broken clavicles.
That's something
inside me, right?
What are you doing?!
Nothing.
Get a glass.
Don't you dare!
When I get well, I am going
to beat you blue, mister.
Get a glass!
All right. Okay.
Can I have some milk?
Yes, but get a glass.
Okay.
Hello, Francis.
I have a problem.
I need your advice.
Trust me, pal, whatever
you're going through
is not half as bad
as what I'm facing.
I'm thinking of asking Dad
for skating lessons.
Why does everyone do that?
What does he do?
Look, if I told you,
you'd just freak out,
but if you think you're ready,
my advice is
to get it over with quickly.
It's like pulling a giant
Band-Aid off your crotch.
I'm going to have a Band-Aid
on my crotch?
Who are you
talking to?
Francis.
Hi, sweetie.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, I am in such pain
because of my back.
Doctor says I have to stay
in bed for at least three days
Mom...
with my leg up on a pillow
and then I'm supposed
to put ice on it.
Ice, not heat.
Look, Mom.
Have you ever heard
of such a thing?
I never heard of such a thing.
That doesn't make
any sense to me.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Here we go.
One more thing.
Huh?
Yeah?
Stop trying to drug my food.
Oh.
Where was I?
Francis?
Where wa...?
Uh, your back.
Oh, yeah.
So they say that my fourth
and fifth vertebrae
are out of alignment.
Apparently my shoulder muscles
are asymmetrical.
I mean, did you ever hear
of such a thing?
They say it's genetic.
It's the first case
of scream-induced
back trauma they've ever seen.
I swear, they paraded
every Tom, Dick and Harry
through that room
to take a look at me.
And me, I'm just lying there
with that little flimsy
paper thing on me
with my rear end flapping in the
breeze for all the world to see.
Boys, they're called...
Gut-busters.
They take a sausage,
stuff it with cheese,
wrap it with bacon,
and shove it in
a deep-fat fryer
full of lard.
They're indescribable.
Bon appetit.
Malcolm, where
have you been?
You got to get
in on this.
Dad... I want skating lessons.
Son, do you know,
once you start
there's no going back?
I know.
This means
total commitment.
Once you begin the path,
there is no
leaving the path.
Are you sure you're
ready for that?
I mean really ready?
I-I guess so.
Neat.
We'll start tomorrow.
Come on, dig in
before they harden.
Let's do it.
Stretch.
Nose to knees,
nose to knees,
and... release.
Ooh.
You feeling a
little limber now?
Mostly I feel sleepy.
Well, we have
to start early.
We've got a lot of
ground to cover.
Rule number one:
you can't question my ways.
I'm the top skate-dog.
Understood?
You may not like my methods,
but let me just show you
what you can accomplish
if you stick with it.
Should I be impressed
or horrified?
Dad, that was unbelievable.
Whew! That routine won me a gold
medal, a macramé plant hanger,
and your mother's heart,
all in the same afternoon.
What to see your skates?
Yeah.
Come on.
I prefer
a Saratoga four-wide,
but I know
you kids like that
in-line stuff.
So...
Whoa! They're beautiful!
They are, aren't they?
Wait, I don't get to wear them?
Oh, no... you're not ready
for those just yet.
That's just your incentive.
One step
at a time, Malcolm.
Roll to the gold. Huh?
You're going to start
with these.
Why do I have to...
Ah-ah-ah.
Top skate-dog.
Now, let's see you skate
through those cones.
I don't have skates.
Your skates are in here.
Go on.
Glide... and glide...
let your arms work with--
slow down.
Slower.
Slower!
This is going to rule.
All I'm taking is a canteen,
a knife, my bedroll
and some emergency rations.
Wuss.
Canteen, knife,
survival blanket.
That's all?
Dude, hard-core.
Let's rock.
You ready?
Ready as I'll ever be.
What is it?
My back.
I can't move.
It happens sometimes.
It's genetic.
My shoulder muscles
are asymmetrical,
and it pulls my vertebrae
out of alignment.
I'll be fine.
I just need to ice it.
Which vertebrae?
Fourth and fifth.
All right.
Take him to his room.
Hands out front
so you get a balance.
Hold it... hold it.
Why am I doing this?
Stop clouding your mind.
This is a process.
Dad, it's street hockey,
not clown school.
Process... and one
and down and over.
When am I ever
going to use this?
Full range of motion,
and point and bump,
and point and bump,
and point and bump,
and then we glide.
How about my skates?
Can I at least
try on my skates?
Absolutely not.
You need at least
two more days.
Two days?
Uh-huh.
I know enough
to play a stupid game
of street hockey now.
That's all I care about.
Malcolm, we go at
the speed I say.
This is about safety
and proper technique.
But it doesn't
make any sense.
That's because you're not
in a skating state of mind.
Now, that's it. Okay?
We're done. Go home.
You know what?
Thanks to your attitude,
we are now a day behind.
Fine!
The boy's fighting me, Lois.
Oh, he's got the talent,
but he's reckless and wild.
Fine. I'll
talk to him.
That's not what I'm asking.
Well, that's what
going to ha...
Would you just take
the darn pill... dear?
I can't believe
he cut me off.
You questioned his ways.
Never question his ways.
That just makes it
take even longer.
You going to go
play hockey?
You bet.
I'll see you out there...
in a month or two.
I don't know how yet,
but there's definitely a way
I can justify this.
Malcolm!
Dang, I thought
I'd at least
get a few minutes in
before he busted me.
You know what?
Screw it.
I'm sick of this.
What do you think
you're doing?
Taking my skates
to go play hockey.
Absolutely not;
we had an agreement.
Agreement?
You just like
bossing me around!
And you like fighting me
every step of the way!
Because you're treating
me like a baby!
The stuff you're
teaching me is stupid.
Okay, that's it.
You just lost these, pal.
Oh, yeah? Well...
...you.
You heard me.
Modeling isn't all glamour.
Sometimes you have to act like
it's hot when it's really cold.
People don't realize
how hard we work...
I am the only one who truly
understands you, Inga.
I cannot believe
you said that to Dad.
Oh, and by the way--
if you pass Francis
on your way to Siberia,
tell him I said hi.
Do you think he told Mom?
I wouldn't worry
about that.
Mom's feeling a lot better.
Dr. Reese paid her
a little visit.
What are you talking about?
Let's just say, pills
and sandwich-- not effective;
pills and milk-- effective.
I just, I just
don't get it.
I mean, I have always been
the good parent.
That's true.
I'm the nice one.
Yeah, that's true.
You're the bad one.
The system can't work
with two bad cops.
Oh, I hate cops.
Cops, eh...
You know what else
I hate?
Those what-do-you-
call-thems? Those, uh...
I just wasn't ready
for this from Malcolm.
...soap salesmen.
Not yet. But he stepped
over the line
and I don't think
there's any way back.
I mean, it's not as if
I caught him with a cigarette
and can make him smoke
a whole carton.
You know what?
I hate bigots, too.
Oh, I hate bigots.
Malcolm has always
been different.
God, why can't he be
like his brothers?
Reese took a swing at me,
Francis took a swing at me--
that I can deal with.
Block, chop, they're on
the ground gasping for air.
It's over with.
But this is like... words.
I mean, you know what
I hate the most of all?
I hate those gigantic
pink...
Oh, thank God.
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
Smoking!
Uh, Houston, we are good to go.
Uh, roger that.
You are good to go
in five, four, three, two, one.
Go!
Whoo!
Hey... fellas!
Boy, has it been
two days already?
How was it, huh?
You just missed the big fire.
But, um, luckily I was here
to put it out.
Can I offer you
some cookie dough?
Come on, guys,
let's be reasonable.
I can't spend two days
in the woods tied to a chair.
Three days--
one extra for lying.
Well, at least lend me a jacket!
Or some food!
Dudes, come on!
You can't leave me out here
with nothing!
That was to me,
not at me, right?!
Hal.
Honey, what are you
doing up?
Don't you "honey" me.
You slipped me drugs.
Oh!
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,
getting Reese to sandbag me
like that.
"Would you like some milk,
Mother?"
The kid's never brought me
one thing in his entire life.
And don't think I can't
smell those Gut-busters
coming out of your pores.
You are back on rice cakes,
mister,
starting now!
Boys, your mother's mobile.
Malcolm, I need to see you
in the backyard.
Now, you said what you said,
and we can't change that.
And it isn't the kind of
thing that could be solved
with an apology or
a simple punishment.
But we do need to find a way
to get past this. Agreed?
I guess so.
Good. Now, here's
how I see it:
this whole thing stems
from you feeling like
I treat you like a child.
So...
what's this?
That is ten pages,
single-spaced,
of filthy name calling.
What?!
They get worse
as they go along.
What am I supposed to do
with this?
Well, since you think
you're old enough
to use these kind of words,
I think you're old enough
to see the effect they have.
Malcolm, you are going
to look me in the eye
and say every last one
of these terrible things
to the man who held
you in his arms
the moment you were born.
But, Dad...
Uh-uh, I'm not your dad;
I'm, uh, here...
A stinkin' son of a...
To my face.
Continue.
♪ ♪
I can't.
You see, son? Words hurt.
That's why you have
to use them carefully.
I understand, Dad.
I'm sorry.
Okay. I think you've
had enough.
No, wait. I can make it
through the whole list.
I'm not going to let
you down again.
♪ ♪
Hole.
Good.
Very thorough.
Dad, will you please finish
teaching me how to skate?
Of course.
But let's not make eye contact
for a couple weeks.
You got it.
Aw, man.
Come on.
I know I look like an idiot,
but I'm kickin' ass!