Malcolm in the Middle (2000–2006): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Bots and the Bees - full transcript
Lois takes off to visit Francis at the academy, which might make his recent appendectomy just a little more painful. Without Lois, Hal devolves to his former bad boy personality, which ...
I got one!
Yes, yes. Cool.
Get him!
Ugh.
I got one!
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Okay, give me the tape.
What if we get caught?
Don't worry about it.
No one's home.
I cued it up
to the best part.
It's BattleBots,
and it's a free for all
at the battle area.
All of these heavyweight..
I thought this was porno.
Ew. No, this
is better.
And no one's...
excluded.
Come on, this is
the lamest thing I've...
Oh, my God, is that real?
It's an open
competition.
People build killer robots,
put them in a ring,
and see which one
comes out alive.
Killer robots?!
I can't believe it.
Finally something cool
about being smart.
I wish we could do that.
We were hoping you'd say that.
Here's the deal:
we want to enter
the competition.
We've got the designs,
we've got the desire,
and we're not distracted
by any kind of social life.
The only problem is that our
parents would never allow us
to build something
that dangerous.
That means we need a place
with a total lack
of caring adult supervision.
That's my house!
But those things look
really expensive.
No problem.
My father tries
to buy my love.
Who's your... daddy?
Push.
What are
the odds, huh?
Of Francis having
an emergency appendectomy
two months after using
the same excuse to ditch school?
Well, he was never very lucky.
Oh, I need you
to call work
and tell them I
won't be coming in.
Will do.
Well, there's my cab.
What's that all about?
A little something
to remember me by.
You know, it just
occurred to me
that we have not been apart
for one night in 18 years.
You gonna be
okay with that?
I think I can manage
without my mommy
for a few days.
I told you that baby
voice creeps me out.
Sorry.
Ten-hut!
Well, Cadet,
I see you survived.
Yes, sir.
I brought you
a little something
to take your mind
off the pain.
This is a good
opportunity for you
to catch up
on your homework.
Take it from me--
a lengthy hospital stay
is the perfect environment
to focus your mind and attack
weaknesses in your character.
If it hadn't been
for this,
I never would've learned
conversational French.
Carry on.
Sorry, man.
I was this close
to going medieval on him.
You feeling okay?
I feel like I have a belly
full of broken glass.
Every time I breathe in, I
almost pass out from the pain.
This is the single
greatest thing
that has ever
happened to me.
What?
Well, for as long
as I can remember,
my mom has been
torturing me with guilt.
I've never been able to fight
back, but this is perfect.
Her first-born child almost dies
a thousand miles from home,
and she's the one
who sent me here.
She can't dismiss it,
she can't argue about it,
she can't twist it around
and make it my fault.
It's beautiful.
Dude, you almost died.
I want you to say that
again when she gets here.
Oh, this poor woman has no
idea what she's walking into.
Okay, Mom's only gonna be gone
for about four or five days,
so we have to prioritize.
What are you asking Dad for?
I want to wear
my pajamas to school.
I'm getting a scope
for my BB gun.
You don't have a BB gun.
Not yet.
Okay, but since I'm asking
to build a killer robot,
I should go first.
Why?
Because anything
after "killer robot"
is gonna sound reasonable.
Dad?
Yeah.
A couple friends and
I want to explore
our engineering and
machining skills.
Sounds great.
So, um, you think
it'd be all right
if a bunch of Krelboynes and I
build a robot in the house?
Yeah, fine.
Whoa, that was
easy, even for him.
For crying out loud.
Be strong.
Lois will get through
her operation.
She is a fighter.
No, no, Craig,
it was Francis.
Oh, my God.
Did he shoot her?
I knew it.
I t-told her
to stay away from him.
That boy has been
nothing but trouble.
Uh, Craig, uh, Lois did
not have an operation.
Our son Francis did.
Sh-She just went down to Alabama
to look after him for a while.
Oh.
Well, tell Lois
I stopped by.
I can't believe my mom missed
them putting my catheter in.
Maybe I should take it out
so they can reinsert it
when she gets here.
Or maybe you could,
I don't know, shut up about
your mom for half a second.
No one's that bad.
Hey, I been sugar-coating it
for you 'cause you're enfeebled.
Francis!
But you can just see
for yourself.
Hi, honey.
You look terrible.
You think that's
gonna appease your guilt?
What guilt?
Boy, it's stuffy in here.
That can't be good for you.
You look pasty.
Have you had a
bowel movement?
When is the last time
you moved your bowels?
Mom...
Hello.
Who are you?
Edwin Spangler-- I am commandant
of Marlin Academy.
Good for you.
Where's your eye?
Pardon?
Do your ears work?
Do you have some business
with my son?
He needs to rest.
Well, I stopped by to pick up
your boy's homework.
Homework?! You're not
giving him homework.
My son nearly
lost his life--
something that never
would've happened
if you'd taken proper care
of him in the first place.
Well, I assure you, ma'am,
had it not been for Francis's
long history of crying wolf...
Crying wolf?
You listen to me, you idiot!
My child is sick.
He does not need you
marching in here, puffing up
your little chest
and making his life
more miserable
than it already is.
Why don't you just go play
army man somewhere else?
God, she is magnificent.
Dude, your mom rocks.
Hmm.
You got a girl, Rizzo?
Yeah, Sarge.
I miss her something awful.
Soon as I get home,
I'm going to marry her.
Rizzo!
We need...
more torque!
No, we need a balance
between speed and torque.
This is great.
I can make a huge mess,
build a killer robot,
and Mom's not here
to yell at us.
I don't even mind
having Krelboynes in the house.
Do we all want
a direct, continuous
linear relation
between the rotary actuator
and the robot's
translational displacement,
or am I just some kind
of crazy dreamer?
Well, what about my design for
- the polycarbonate body?
- It's a...
butterfly.
Correction--
killer butterfly.
Beautiful yet deadly.
The perfect killing machine.
It's too unreliable.
It's got to be more simple,
like a sledgehammer or...
A superheated spike shot
out by power charges.
Yeah, but that's not
going to be easy...
What's this stuff?
We were just... sort of...
fooling around with some ideas.
Let's have a look.
Well... I'd go
with the flame thrower.
That would destroy everything
within a ten-foot perimeter.
Of course, a lot to be said
for that high-voltage probe.
Sir, before you continue,
I feel I have to mention
that our parents
strongly disapprove of this.
Sorry. My therapist
says it's a compulsion.
Well, I guess you shouldn't
tell your parents, then.
Wow.
Your father's lack
of responsibility
is both terrifying and...
oddly thrilling.
I can't apologize enough for
these barbaric accommodations.
You deserve so much more.
Oh, no, this is fine.
Why are all the hotel rooms
booked?
The all-Alabama gay rodeo
is in town again.
Homosexuals riding horses
and such.
It does wonders
for the local economy,
but you have to fight
the crowds for everything.
If you're interested,
I have some passes.
No, thanks.
Another time, then.
Bonsoir.
You know, this
room isn't so bad.
The way you whined about it,
I thought it was going to be
a couple of cots
and a drain in the floor.
What are you doing?
You're stinky.
I'm going to give you
a sponge bath.
You're not
giving me a sponge bath.
Arms up.
Just because you had surgery
is no reason to be a pig.
Mom, did you know
that I almost died?
Oh, you did not
almost die.
My appendix burst!
They had to vacuum out
the contents of my intestines.
You could not possibly
comprehend
the pain that I was in--
that I am in.
Yeah. I don't know
anything about pain,
what, with four boys
totaling 112 hours of labor--
you being half of
that, I might add.
I'm sorry that I came out
feet first, Mom.
That's okay, honey.
I forgave you years ago.
Oh, God, that tattoo.
I like the tattoo, Mom.
What is it with the men in
this family and tattoos?
Took me five years
to get your father
to burn his off.
What, are you growing
potatoes in there?
Dad had a tattoo?
Yeah, he put a
great big "Lois"
right across
his rear end.
Actually thought I'd
be flattered by it.
That guy was such a
mess when I met him.
Between the motorcycle
and the drinking
and the fighting--
he was so reckless,
it was crazy.
Where do you think
you boys get it from?
Just doesn't sound like Dad.
Yeah, well, that was
a long time ago.
Your father has been
quite a project.
I spent years hounding him
and scolding him
and constantly watching him,
but finally
I got all that rebellion
right out of him.
I can't believe
Dad had a wild side.
Well, someday, you're going
to meet a nice girl.
She's going to do
the same thing for you.
Do your lowers.
Dad?
Oh, hey, son.
What are you doing?
I just thought
I'd help you kids out
with your robot.
You know, it's amazing how
much you can get accomplished
when you don't sleep at all.
I think we got a little
something up our sleeve
for the competition.
Dad...
I know, it's still
a little slow.
But wait till I put
on the big blade.
I eat your heart
and thus avenge my father.
Well, we just finished
the 45th and final video
of the Shaolin Dragon series.
We are now officially
desensitized to violence.
How many sodas
have you had?
I don't know. I don't
know. I don't know.
Look, I can write
on my tongue.
Well, we can start in on
Monks of Death
or lighten things up with
a little Samurai Bloodfest.
We've had a vote.
We're backing out
of the contest.
What?
Your father
has commandeered this project
and twisted it toward
his own mad ends.
We want our
blueprints back.
We can... do this...
the easy... way...
or... we can...
do this... the hard...
Come on, my dad's
in the backyard.
...way.
Dad?
Hey, boys.
Guys want the...
Are you smoking?
Oh, this? No, I'm just...
just playing around.
Listen, don't tell your mom,
okay?
She'd kill me if she found out.
She worked so hard
to get me to stop.
Oh, God, how I
miss that woman.
Um, the guys want
their blueprints back.
Oh, yeah,
they're over there.
I have gone
way past that.
Hey, picture this.
A laser-guided bee cannon.
Bees shot out
with the precision of a laser.
How would that hurt a robot?
Oh, come on, think.
It's not for the robot,
it's for the guy
controlling the robot.
Buzz, zap!
You're going home
with the plaque or ribbon
or whatever crappy award
they give you for winning.
This...
will end... badly.
There we go.
I hear you, old fella!
You're not alone.
Come on, come on,
do it for mama!
Come on, come on, go!
Aw, come on. You're just
letting me win, aren't you?
I'm really not.
I know. I'm just rubbing it in.
Rubbing it in!
Your mom is great.
This isn't my mom.
It's an act.
It's some kind of freaky mind
game she's playing with me.
Any second now,
her face is going to split open
and she's going
to reveal herself
for the evil banshee
she really is.
Man, I don't know why
she puts up with you.
Anyone for doubles?
Nope.
All right, then.
Oh, hi, honey.
Where you been?
I want you to leave.
What?
I want you to leave.
You made your phony point.
You made me look like an idiot.
Mission accomplished.
Okay.
You know what? I have
had it with you, mister.
You have done nothing but bitch
and moan since I got here,
and I've been nothing
but pleasant.
Exactly!
Oh, what, you complain
when I'm pleasant,
you complain when
I'm not pleasant?
There's no winning with you.
Why don't you just tell me
exactly how you
want me to behave
every second of the day, and
we'll see if that satisfies you.
This isn't fair!
You're taking my pain
and you're twisting it
into your guilt trip!
Fine. Why don't I
just leave, then?
Fine.
Fine.
Mom being gone was fun at first,
but this is getting
out of control.
Please be Mom.
Please be Mom. Please be Mom.
Hello?
Hello!
Oh. Hi, Mr. Jackson.
Well, yes,
I do have a very good reason
for not going in to work today.
Well, how about this?
I didn't come to work because
somehow I felt that eight hours
of joyless, mind-numbing crap
just didn't seem like fun.
Well, I guess we're just going
to have to agree to disagree.
Yeah!
I thought your flight
wasn't till 11:00.
It isn't.
So we have some
extra time.
You want to...
do something?
We're in the middle
of Alabama.
What is there to do?
Gay rodeo's in town.
That could be
interesting.
Well, if that's
what you want to do.
Look, it isn't really
what I want to do.
I'm trying to
be pleasant...
We'll go.
Please be Mom.
Craig.
Just brought by
your mom's paycheck.
Tell her I'm the one
that brought it by.
Wait. We need your help.
My dad's going crazy.
He hasn't slept in four days.
He's smoking, he's dancing
around in his underwear.
He's ripping phones
out of the walls.
You've got to stop him.
Don't worry, son.
I'll handle this.
What are you doing?
You don't expect me to tackle
something like this
on an empty stomach.
Hey, buddy.
Well, well.
What do we have here?
The boy here says you
could use some company.
No, I got my sons.
We're bonding.
What the hell
is that thing?
That thing is
a little project
we have been working on
around here.
A secret, deadly project.
Hal...
why don't you turn off
the machine and sit down?
Why don't you stop telling me
what to do?
Why don't you sit down
like I asked you to?
Look, Fats...
I don't want you
around my house anymore.
Hey, you don't go
to the fat thing,
I won't go to the crazy thing.
Dad, cut it out!
Come on, it's not
funny anymore!
Leave him alone!
Say "uncle"!
No!
Just say it.
We can stop this right now
with a little dignity
if you just say it!
I won't say it!
One simple word.
Duncle.
Uh-uh, you said "duncle."
Now you have to say "uncle"
in my butt.
No! Let me up!
Dad, you have to stop it!
Dad, no!
You're right.
I've got better
things to do.
Dad, what are you doing?
I think me
and Lois Number Two here
are going to go down to work
and pay a little visit
to Mr. Jackson's Lexus.
Hey!
Dad, don't move.
W-What are you doing?
I'm stopping you
from quitting your job
by threatening you
with a killer robot.
I wish this felt half
as cool as it sounds.
Just turn it off, Malcolm.
Stop being crazy.
Just put the remote down.
You-you have no idea
what this machine is capable of.
Why don't you just sit down?
And why don't you just
put the remote down?
Dad, please.
Malcolm...
Why don't you both
just shut up?!
Run. No kidding. Run.
Oh, no.
Call... animal... control.
You ripped the phone
out of the wall.
Go... to... the neighbor.
They won't let us over anymore.
Do... something.
Why don't we just
all sit down
and no one will do anything
until Mom gets home?
Okay.
I got to say,
as far as gay rodeos go,
this one's pretty entertaining.
Are you sure you're
not embarrassed
to be seen with
your mother?
Nah.
Yes, yes. Cool.
Get him!
Ugh.
I got one!
♪ Yes, no, maybe ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ Can you repeat the question? ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ You're not
the boss of me now ♪
♪ You're not the boss
of me now ♪
♪ And you're not so big ♪
♪ Life is unfair. ♪
Okay, give me the tape.
What if we get caught?
Don't worry about it.
No one's home.
I cued it up
to the best part.
It's BattleBots,
and it's a free for all
at the battle area.
All of these heavyweight..
I thought this was porno.
Ew. No, this
is better.
And no one's...
excluded.
Come on, this is
the lamest thing I've...
Oh, my God, is that real?
It's an open
competition.
People build killer robots,
put them in a ring,
and see which one
comes out alive.
Killer robots?!
I can't believe it.
Finally something cool
about being smart.
I wish we could do that.
We were hoping you'd say that.
Here's the deal:
we want to enter
the competition.
We've got the designs,
we've got the desire,
and we're not distracted
by any kind of social life.
The only problem is that our
parents would never allow us
to build something
that dangerous.
That means we need a place
with a total lack
of caring adult supervision.
That's my house!
But those things look
really expensive.
No problem.
My father tries
to buy my love.
Who's your... daddy?
Push.
What are
the odds, huh?
Of Francis having
an emergency appendectomy
two months after using
the same excuse to ditch school?
Well, he was never very lucky.
Oh, I need you
to call work
and tell them I
won't be coming in.
Will do.
Well, there's my cab.
What's that all about?
A little something
to remember me by.
You know, it just
occurred to me
that we have not been apart
for one night in 18 years.
You gonna be
okay with that?
I think I can manage
without my mommy
for a few days.
I told you that baby
voice creeps me out.
Sorry.
Ten-hut!
Well, Cadet,
I see you survived.
Yes, sir.
I brought you
a little something
to take your mind
off the pain.
This is a good
opportunity for you
to catch up
on your homework.
Take it from me--
a lengthy hospital stay
is the perfect environment
to focus your mind and attack
weaknesses in your character.
If it hadn't been
for this,
I never would've learned
conversational French.
Carry on.
Sorry, man.
I was this close
to going medieval on him.
You feeling okay?
I feel like I have a belly
full of broken glass.
Every time I breathe in, I
almost pass out from the pain.
This is the single
greatest thing
that has ever
happened to me.
What?
Well, for as long
as I can remember,
my mom has been
torturing me with guilt.
I've never been able to fight
back, but this is perfect.
Her first-born child almost dies
a thousand miles from home,
and she's the one
who sent me here.
She can't dismiss it,
she can't argue about it,
she can't twist it around
and make it my fault.
It's beautiful.
Dude, you almost died.
I want you to say that
again when she gets here.
Oh, this poor woman has no
idea what she's walking into.
Okay, Mom's only gonna be gone
for about four or five days,
so we have to prioritize.
What are you asking Dad for?
I want to wear
my pajamas to school.
I'm getting a scope
for my BB gun.
You don't have a BB gun.
Not yet.
Okay, but since I'm asking
to build a killer robot,
I should go first.
Why?
Because anything
after "killer robot"
is gonna sound reasonable.
Dad?
Yeah.
A couple friends and
I want to explore
our engineering and
machining skills.
Sounds great.
So, um, you think
it'd be all right
if a bunch of Krelboynes and I
build a robot in the house?
Yeah, fine.
Whoa, that was
easy, even for him.
For crying out loud.
Be strong.
Lois will get through
her operation.
She is a fighter.
No, no, Craig,
it was Francis.
Oh, my God.
Did he shoot her?
I knew it.
I t-told her
to stay away from him.
That boy has been
nothing but trouble.
Uh, Craig, uh, Lois did
not have an operation.
Our son Francis did.
Sh-She just went down to Alabama
to look after him for a while.
Oh.
Well, tell Lois
I stopped by.
I can't believe my mom missed
them putting my catheter in.
Maybe I should take it out
so they can reinsert it
when she gets here.
Or maybe you could,
I don't know, shut up about
your mom for half a second.
No one's that bad.
Hey, I been sugar-coating it
for you 'cause you're enfeebled.
Francis!
But you can just see
for yourself.
Hi, honey.
You look terrible.
You think that's
gonna appease your guilt?
What guilt?
Boy, it's stuffy in here.
That can't be good for you.
You look pasty.
Have you had a
bowel movement?
When is the last time
you moved your bowels?
Mom...
Hello.
Who are you?
Edwin Spangler-- I am commandant
of Marlin Academy.
Good for you.
Where's your eye?
Pardon?
Do your ears work?
Do you have some business
with my son?
He needs to rest.
Well, I stopped by to pick up
your boy's homework.
Homework?! You're not
giving him homework.
My son nearly
lost his life--
something that never
would've happened
if you'd taken proper care
of him in the first place.
Well, I assure you, ma'am,
had it not been for Francis's
long history of crying wolf...
Crying wolf?
You listen to me, you idiot!
My child is sick.
He does not need you
marching in here, puffing up
your little chest
and making his life
more miserable
than it already is.
Why don't you just go play
army man somewhere else?
God, she is magnificent.
Dude, your mom rocks.
Hmm.
You got a girl, Rizzo?
Yeah, Sarge.
I miss her something awful.
Soon as I get home,
I'm going to marry her.
Rizzo!
We need...
more torque!
No, we need a balance
between speed and torque.
This is great.
I can make a huge mess,
build a killer robot,
and Mom's not here
to yell at us.
I don't even mind
having Krelboynes in the house.
Do we all want
a direct, continuous
linear relation
between the rotary actuator
and the robot's
translational displacement,
or am I just some kind
of crazy dreamer?
Well, what about my design for
- the polycarbonate body?
- It's a...
butterfly.
Correction--
killer butterfly.
Beautiful yet deadly.
The perfect killing machine.
It's too unreliable.
It's got to be more simple,
like a sledgehammer or...
A superheated spike shot
out by power charges.
Yeah, but that's not
going to be easy...
What's this stuff?
We were just... sort of...
fooling around with some ideas.
Let's have a look.
Well... I'd go
with the flame thrower.
That would destroy everything
within a ten-foot perimeter.
Of course, a lot to be said
for that high-voltage probe.
Sir, before you continue,
I feel I have to mention
that our parents
strongly disapprove of this.
Sorry. My therapist
says it's a compulsion.
Well, I guess you shouldn't
tell your parents, then.
Wow.
Your father's lack
of responsibility
is both terrifying and...
oddly thrilling.
I can't apologize enough for
these barbaric accommodations.
You deserve so much more.
Oh, no, this is fine.
Why are all the hotel rooms
booked?
The all-Alabama gay rodeo
is in town again.
Homosexuals riding horses
and such.
It does wonders
for the local economy,
but you have to fight
the crowds for everything.
If you're interested,
I have some passes.
No, thanks.
Another time, then.
Bonsoir.
You know, this
room isn't so bad.
The way you whined about it,
I thought it was going to be
a couple of cots
and a drain in the floor.
What are you doing?
You're stinky.
I'm going to give you
a sponge bath.
You're not
giving me a sponge bath.
Arms up.
Just because you had surgery
is no reason to be a pig.
Mom, did you know
that I almost died?
Oh, you did not
almost die.
My appendix burst!
They had to vacuum out
the contents of my intestines.
You could not possibly
comprehend
the pain that I was in--
that I am in.
Yeah. I don't know
anything about pain,
what, with four boys
totaling 112 hours of labor--
you being half of
that, I might add.
I'm sorry that I came out
feet first, Mom.
That's okay, honey.
I forgave you years ago.
Oh, God, that tattoo.
I like the tattoo, Mom.
What is it with the men in
this family and tattoos?
Took me five years
to get your father
to burn his off.
What, are you growing
potatoes in there?
Dad had a tattoo?
Yeah, he put a
great big "Lois"
right across
his rear end.
Actually thought I'd
be flattered by it.
That guy was such a
mess when I met him.
Between the motorcycle
and the drinking
and the fighting--
he was so reckless,
it was crazy.
Where do you think
you boys get it from?
Just doesn't sound like Dad.
Yeah, well, that was
a long time ago.
Your father has been
quite a project.
I spent years hounding him
and scolding him
and constantly watching him,
but finally
I got all that rebellion
right out of him.
I can't believe
Dad had a wild side.
Well, someday, you're going
to meet a nice girl.
She's going to do
the same thing for you.
Do your lowers.
Dad?
Oh, hey, son.
What are you doing?
I just thought
I'd help you kids out
with your robot.
You know, it's amazing how
much you can get accomplished
when you don't sleep at all.
I think we got a little
something up our sleeve
for the competition.
Dad...
I know, it's still
a little slow.
But wait till I put
on the big blade.
I eat your heart
and thus avenge my father.
Well, we just finished
the 45th and final video
of the Shaolin Dragon series.
We are now officially
desensitized to violence.
How many sodas
have you had?
I don't know. I don't
know. I don't know.
Look, I can write
on my tongue.
Well, we can start in on
Monks of Death
or lighten things up with
a little Samurai Bloodfest.
We've had a vote.
We're backing out
of the contest.
What?
Your father
has commandeered this project
and twisted it toward
his own mad ends.
We want our
blueprints back.
We can... do this...
the easy... way...
or... we can...
do this... the hard...
Come on, my dad's
in the backyard.
...way.
Dad?
Hey, boys.
Guys want the...
Are you smoking?
Oh, this? No, I'm just...
just playing around.
Listen, don't tell your mom,
okay?
She'd kill me if she found out.
She worked so hard
to get me to stop.
Oh, God, how I
miss that woman.
Um, the guys want
their blueprints back.
Oh, yeah,
they're over there.
I have gone
way past that.
Hey, picture this.
A laser-guided bee cannon.
Bees shot out
with the precision of a laser.
How would that hurt a robot?
Oh, come on, think.
It's not for the robot,
it's for the guy
controlling the robot.
Buzz, zap!
You're going home
with the plaque or ribbon
or whatever crappy award
they give you for winning.
This...
will end... badly.
There we go.
I hear you, old fella!
You're not alone.
Come on, come on,
do it for mama!
Come on, come on, go!
Aw, come on. You're just
letting me win, aren't you?
I'm really not.
I know. I'm just rubbing it in.
Rubbing it in!
Your mom is great.
This isn't my mom.
It's an act.
It's some kind of freaky mind
game she's playing with me.
Any second now,
her face is going to split open
and she's going
to reveal herself
for the evil banshee
she really is.
Man, I don't know why
she puts up with you.
Anyone for doubles?
Nope.
All right, then.
Oh, hi, honey.
Where you been?
I want you to leave.
What?
I want you to leave.
You made your phony point.
You made me look like an idiot.
Mission accomplished.
Okay.
You know what? I have
had it with you, mister.
You have done nothing but bitch
and moan since I got here,
and I've been nothing
but pleasant.
Exactly!
Oh, what, you complain
when I'm pleasant,
you complain when
I'm not pleasant?
There's no winning with you.
Why don't you just tell me
exactly how you
want me to behave
every second of the day, and
we'll see if that satisfies you.
This isn't fair!
You're taking my pain
and you're twisting it
into your guilt trip!
Fine. Why don't I
just leave, then?
Fine.
Fine.
Mom being gone was fun at first,
but this is getting
out of control.
Please be Mom.
Please be Mom. Please be Mom.
Hello?
Hello!
Oh. Hi, Mr. Jackson.
Well, yes,
I do have a very good reason
for not going in to work today.
Well, how about this?
I didn't come to work because
somehow I felt that eight hours
of joyless, mind-numbing crap
just didn't seem like fun.
Well, I guess we're just going
to have to agree to disagree.
Yeah!
I thought your flight
wasn't till 11:00.
It isn't.
So we have some
extra time.
You want to...
do something?
We're in the middle
of Alabama.
What is there to do?
Gay rodeo's in town.
That could be
interesting.
Well, if that's
what you want to do.
Look, it isn't really
what I want to do.
I'm trying to
be pleasant...
We'll go.
Please be Mom.
Craig.
Just brought by
your mom's paycheck.
Tell her I'm the one
that brought it by.
Wait. We need your help.
My dad's going crazy.
He hasn't slept in four days.
He's smoking, he's dancing
around in his underwear.
He's ripping phones
out of the walls.
You've got to stop him.
Don't worry, son.
I'll handle this.
What are you doing?
You don't expect me to tackle
something like this
on an empty stomach.
Hey, buddy.
Well, well.
What do we have here?
The boy here says you
could use some company.
No, I got my sons.
We're bonding.
What the hell
is that thing?
That thing is
a little project
we have been working on
around here.
A secret, deadly project.
Hal...
why don't you turn off
the machine and sit down?
Why don't you stop telling me
what to do?
Why don't you sit down
like I asked you to?
Look, Fats...
I don't want you
around my house anymore.
Hey, you don't go
to the fat thing,
I won't go to the crazy thing.
Dad, cut it out!
Come on, it's not
funny anymore!
Leave him alone!
Say "uncle"!
No!
Just say it.
We can stop this right now
with a little dignity
if you just say it!
I won't say it!
One simple word.
Duncle.
Uh-uh, you said "duncle."
Now you have to say "uncle"
in my butt.
No! Let me up!
Dad, you have to stop it!
Dad, no!
You're right.
I've got better
things to do.
Dad, what are you doing?
I think me
and Lois Number Two here
are going to go down to work
and pay a little visit
to Mr. Jackson's Lexus.
Hey!
Dad, don't move.
W-What are you doing?
I'm stopping you
from quitting your job
by threatening you
with a killer robot.
I wish this felt half
as cool as it sounds.
Just turn it off, Malcolm.
Stop being crazy.
Just put the remote down.
You-you have no idea
what this machine is capable of.
Why don't you just sit down?
And why don't you just
put the remote down?
Dad, please.
Malcolm...
Why don't you both
just shut up?!
Run. No kidding. Run.
Oh, no.
Call... animal... control.
You ripped the phone
out of the wall.
Go... to... the neighbor.
They won't let us over anymore.
Do... something.
Why don't we just
all sit down
and no one will do anything
until Mom gets home?
Okay.
I got to say,
as far as gay rodeos go,
this one's pretty entertaining.
Are you sure you're
not embarrassed
to be seen with
your mother?
Nah.